Hell vs. Heaven vs. Hell

YI Kwak, a 924 AD demon hunter in the royal demon-hunting squad of Chuh-yong-dae, just lost Yon-hwa, his steady arm candy/fiancée to evil demons. Beats having her dump you and then doing it with one of your friends.

YI Kwak, whose name sounds like the noise a dyslexic demon-hunting duck would make, is freakin’ p*ssed. This spells bad news for demons, evil or not, as YI Kwak has the ability to see the dead, whereas his contemporaries do not. This makes him not only a valuable addition to the warrior squad, but carries a semblance of job security.

YI Kwak and his squad are making headway against the forces of darkness, which at times look like guys in futon sheets. Regardless of thread count, they are STILL EVIL. Still not satisfied, YI Kwak somehow ends up in Joongcheon (or “Midheaven”), the Land of the Dead, while investigating a shrine with no noticeable bathrooms. Joongcheon is that waiting room between Hell and Heaven and Hell (or, in today’s vernacular, between your job and Happy Hour). This is where souls have to wait 49 days before they can be reincarnated. I don’t know why, those are the rules.

Guess who YI Kwak runs into? Guess who has no previous memory? Guess how long he has to wait until he gets second base privileges again? YI Kwak also bumps into his former teacher Ban-chu (what is it with these people and their messed up names?), who is about to lead a rebellious coup on behalf of the demons and a plan to get out of Midheaven and into Outerheavern, where they will cause much grief and the knocking over of stuff.

The Restless (2006) is a lush, stylized fantasy with no blood spilling worth blogging about. While I’d rather look into the glowing red eyes of evil than have to endure any more of YI Kwak and Yon-hwa gazing longingly into each others’ eyes, this ain’t a half bad time waster.

Mermaids, UFOs, Vampires, Witches

MetroNews.com recently posted an article featuring an illustrated 1562 map that depicts several mermaids holding/playing with UFOs. That these objects could possibly be clam shells doesn’t negate the fact that mermaids and UFOs are as real as tasty, butter-dipped bivalve molluscs.

From the article written by Jaspar Hamill (Pffft — that name sounds so made up), the map is called Americae Sive Quartae Orbis Partis Nova Et Exactissima Descriptio (A New and Most Exact Description of America or The Fourth Part of the World). It was made in 1562 by the Spanish cartographer Diego Gutiérrez and the Flemish artist Hieronymus Cock (Awesome ancient porn name). The map is the earliest example of a large ‘wall map’ of America and is believed to be the first to feature the name ‘California’. It features giants as well as barbaric cannibals shown roasting a victim over an open fire.”

The map also includes “images of parrots, monkeys, mermaids, fearsome sea creatures, cannibals, Patagonian giants, and an erupting volcano in central Mexico complement the numerous settlements, rivers, mountains, and capes named. Sadly, it did not indicate why the mermaids might be holding a UFO, which means this ancient mystery remains officially unsolved.”

Man, it must’ve been a blast to live in 1562. I’d go out for a drink with a mermaid — for about 30 seconds, which is about as long as I can hold my breath.

So if you wanna see this NOT FAKE map in person, it’s being housed at the Library of Congress. Or, you could just wait for these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to see if there are any barbaric cannibals shown roasting people over an open fire…

GONJIAM: HAUNTED ASYLUM (March 28, 2018/South Korea | April 13, 2018 (US/Limited)
“The crew of a horror web show plan to stream live from inside a ‘haunted’ asylum. To attract more viewers, the show’s host arranges some scares for the team, but as they move further into the nightmarish old building, they begin to encounter much more than expected.”

YET ANOTHER one of these “reality shows in a haunted asylum” movies. By my count, this makes over one billion. And yes, I’ve see all one billion of ‘em. What can I say? I have a lot of free couch time.

CORBIN NASH (April 20, 2018)
“Searching a world of darkness for a truth he was never ready for, a rogue detective is murdered only to be reborn the ultimate killer. Embracing his destiny, vowing vengeance on all that destroyed his family; he is Corbin Nash, Demon Hunter.”

I liked it better when it was Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010). Still, with demon hunter job openings becoming as scarce as soap-filled dispensers in dive bar restrooms, might be time to see some demon slaying job skills in action.

VIDAR THE VAMPIRE (available now/Norway | 2018 U.S.)
“Vidar Haarr is a 33-year-old, sexually frustrated bachelor farmer who leads a monotonous life as a Christian on his mother’s farmstead in the Western outskirts of Norway.  In a desperate attempt to break free from routine, Vidar prays to a higher power to grant him a life without boundaries. Unfortunately, his prayers are heard and, following that most unorthodox of ceremonies, Vidar is reborn as the Prince of Darkness.”

Been following this one. The press is calling Vidar The Vampire “a blood drenched, over-the-top horror comedy that is seriously not for the easily offended.” There is no part of that sentence I didn’t like.

I AM NOT A WITCH (available/France, Germany | 2018 U.S.)
When eight-year-old Shula turns up alone and unannounced in a rural Zambian village, the locals are suspicious. A minor incident escalates to a full-blown witch trial, where she is found guilty and sentenced to life on a state-run witch camp. There, she is tethered to a long white ribbon and told that if she ever tries to run away, she will be transformed into a goat. As the days pass, Shula begins to settle into her new community, but a threat looms on the horizon.  Soon she is forced to make a difficult decision — whether to resign herself to life on the camp, or take a risk for freedom.”

I say risk freedom and turn into a goat. You don’t see many of those things around the mall much anymore, so that could be kinda neat.

Godzilla Bombs, Demon Police, Head App

Been keeping an i-ball (heh) open for continuing information on the 2019 Godzilla movie, which is scheduled to include G-foes Mothra, Rodan and King Ghidorah. Recently leaked is the news that this kaiju rodeo is flashing respect to the original Godzilla movie (1954) with the inclusion of the famous Oxygen Destroyer, the science water bomb (made by the FIRST Dr. Serizawa) that melted Godzilla’s flesh off his super-sized bones. That Godzilla somehow came back to life and starred in a plethora of sequels is probably noteworthy.

Speaking of bombs, will the new Oxygen Destroyer be able to  stop the new Godzilla ’n super friends from turning the Earth’s landscape into garden mulch? While we all ponder that, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not bomb at the box office…

DEMON HUNTER (August 15, 2017/VOD)
“Captured by police for questioning in the slaying of a man she claimed was a demon, Taryn Barker must prove her innocence, and the existence of demons. But when a cult captures the daughter of one of the detectives on the case, the police must trust, and unleash, this warrior on the Satanic group who are intent on bringing an ancient evil force into the world.”

Where would we be without demon hunters? I certainly don’t want to have to clean up those evil messes. I did enough of that as a bus station bathroom attendant.

REMEMORY (August 24, 2017)
“The body and unexplained death of Gordon Dunn, a visionary scientific pioneer, is found shortly after the unveiling of his newest work: a device able to extract, record and play a person’s memories. Gordon’s wife, Carolyn, retreats into her house and cuts off contact with the outside world when a mysterious man shows up. After stealing the machine, he uses it to try and solve the mystery, beginning an investigation of memories that lead him to unexpected and dangerous places.”

A device that can record and playback memories probably isn’t science fiction (Apple™ is no doubt working on an iPhone™ app as we speak). I won’t be buying one — some memories are better left buried. Those I can remember, anyway.

HOUSE BY THE LAKE (2017/2018)
“A struggling married couple try to reconnect at an idyllic lake house, but their relationship is tested when their young daughter begins to fixate on an imaginary friend that may or may not be real.”

Couldn’t be Bigfoot as he’s not imaginary. Her “friend” is likely one of those lake monsters. I hear they live in lakes. Wonder if Bigfoot has ever seen a lake monster during one of his frequent nature walks?

BOOTS ON THE GROUND (2018)
“Five British soldiers try to stay alive on the last night of the Afghan War, facing not just the Taliban, but also supernatural forces more terrifying than anything they’ve encountered before.”

If anyone can take down a supernatural force, it’s the British. Just look at what Harry Potter was able to accomplish with a stick and a broom.

Alien Cats, Magic Boxes, Natural Disasters

Doing my taxes while watching horror movies. Kinda the same thing. And like my taxes, here’s some upcoming horror movies you won’t get a refund after watching…

ZOMBIE CATS FROM MARS (February 14, 2017/DVD)
“Billy is a fan of vintage science fiction action thrillers. His only friend is Cameron, a nerdy film buff who tries to boost his confidence whenever he can. After seeing a UFO land, Billy retreats into his head, imagining that aliens are taking over the town. Cameron is skeptical, as is the rest of the town. Meanwhile, people are starting to die. Meanwhile, the killings continue. Billy, wrapped up in a world of fiction, discovers a story in which Martian Cats land on Earth and inflict horror upon the town.”

Great. Alien cats using Earth as a litter box. Still, kitty cats flying around in UFOs — that’s kinda cute. But like all things feline, they soon wear out their welcome. My solution for Billy is to go get Fluffy, that giant, three-headed slobbering dog from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001) to go all Cujo on ‘em.

DON’T KILL IT (March 3, 2017/VOD)
“An ancient evil is unleashed in a small Alaskan town leaving a trail of death and destruction as it passes from host to host. The only hope of survival lies with a grizzled demon hunter who has faced this terror before. Together with a reluctant FBI agent he has to figure out how to destroy a demon with the ability to possess its killer.”

Sounds a LOT like The Hidden (1987), i.e.: “An alien parasite with the ability to possess human bodies goes on a violent crime spree in Los Angeles. A human cop, Detective Beckett, and an alien cop posing as a young FBI agent Gallagher both pursue the parasite who frequently changes his human hosts.”

All they did was change locations and say that the alien parasite is YET ANOTHER ancient evil whoozit. While I’m not an alien (that I know of) or born of ancient evil (maybe a little), it’d be cool to be able to switch bodies. Just think of how many restaurants you could dine ‘n dash. Sweet!

WISH UPON (June 30, 2017)
“17 year-old Clare Shannon is bullied in high school, embarrassed by her manic, hoarder father Jonathan and ignored by her longtime crush. All that changes when her father comes home with an old music box whose inscription promises to grant its owner seven wishes. While Clare is initially skeptical of this magic box, she can’t help but be seduced by its dark powers, and is thrilled as her life radically improves with each wish.”

“Clare finally has the life she’s always wanted and everything seems perfect — until the people closest to her begin dying in violent and elaborate ways after each wish. Clare realizes that she must get rid of the box, but finds herself unable and unwilling to part with her new-and-improved life — leading her down a dark and dangerous path.”

If I had a magic box that granted me wishes but left people bereft of life as a consequence, would I continue to use it? Only until the wishes were used up. (Sorry people closest to me — that in-ground swimming pool ain’t gonna build itself.)

THE QUAKE (August 2018/Norway)
“Inspired by a 1904 earthquake in Oslo. Rather than embracing the ‘disaster porn’ aesthetic of films like San Andreas (2015), Norway’s The Wave (2015) was wonderfully restrained; the effects took a back seat to the human emotion, making it one of the best disaster movies to come along in recent years.”

Not much else to say about the ground shaking like Godzilla’s busted washing machine. I do, however, have a kicker line ready for ‘em. (Please deposit bit coins into my account to use it): The Quake — It’ll Crack You Up. I should be a millionaire. P.S. Wonder if they’ll name the sequel, The Quisp. Heh.

Hunting Demons

Oh, that sneaky Asmodeus, up to his old tricks again. As a demon vampire he’s knocking up hookers to carry his demon seeds to cause all sorts of heckaroo on Earth. But Jake the Demon Hunter, with all the emotion of a DMV clerk, is out to stop him. It’s his job – and his boss is the Cardinal (head religious guy, not the red bird or one of the St. Louis baseball players).

Jake is good at cleaning up botched exorcisms: he beats the Hell out of the possessed. But the church wants him to go after Asmodeus because A’s unsavory ’n evil ’n stinky. Along to assist is a nun who is a supermodel. On Asmodeus’ team is a Succubus who wants to give Jake a hellishly delightful hummer – and almost succeeds, except Jake, being half human and half demon himself, knows all the catches to that sort of deal. She’ll probably wanna hang out afterward, go shopping and buy a puppy together. Not in Jake’s plan.

But Asmodeus turns out to be a freakin’ wuss and doesn’t do anything cool except throw a few decent punches. The Succubus, at least, has flappy demon wings and weird fleshy horns that look like deformed cow udders poking out of her head. But it’s Sarah, the hot nun, who becomes the real star – right after she turns into a demon herself and removes Asmodeus’ left spleen.

Sarah and Jake go at it, Jake wins, the church is happy, but there’s way too many unanswered questions. Where did the Succubus go after Jake stabbed her in the boob? What happened to all the hot vampire hookers that were made “with demon child” up by Asmodeus? How did the church already know Sarah was a demon? And what did Jake mean when he told ’em, “Oh, yeah? Well I have a plan, too!”?

Demon Hunter (2005) is loaded with topless eye candy and even a crotch shot (thankfully female), but little else to convince us Jake is the demon hunting badass the DVD cover wants us to believe.