Archive for scientist

Tasty Body Modifications

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Splatter: Naked Blood

In the super gory Splatter: Naked Blood (1995), three hot young Asian chicks offer their firmness up to science for an experiment that will be a boon to mankind — a drug that will make them not want to wear bras. OK, that’s not exactly it, but this Japanese movie is sub-titled and I can’t really read.

Splatter: Naked Blood

One chick is unable to sleep, another obsessed with food, the other addicted to clothes and beauty products. In other words, just average chicks. But the woman scientist’s 17-year-old son, a prodigy scientist, has secretly mixed his experimental drug in with his mom’s drug, and it’s unknowingly administered to the hotties. It’s a super endorphin that boosts the brain’s pain-killing chemical and makes everyone happy and not depressed. People, beer can do the same thing without needles or surgery gowns where your butt shows.

Splatter: Naked Blood

The drug’s effect happens almost innocently, with the food chick accidentally cutting her finger while preparing a succulent repast of tempura squid. Sucking the blood out of her wound, she starts to feel…aroused. Staring at a pot of boiling oil on her stove, she gets the idea to dip her hand into the tempura mixture and then deep-fry her hand. Tempura cooks quickly (about two to three minutes, or until golden brown) and she’s ready to take a bite.

Splatter: Naked Blood

Therein lies the movie’s genius plot: the endorphin chemical turns pain into sexual pleasure. (Now you know why we drink beer.) What began as a slow-moving flick about nothing suddenly turns down a dark road, with the food chick — fork and knife in hand and sitting on the dinner table half naked — starts cutting bite-sized morsels out of the area normally used for outgoing mail. Then she feasts upon said bite-sized morsels.

Splatter: Naked Blood

Seeing her reflection in the knife blade, she gets another idea: stab said eye with said fork and force it out with said knife. All of this, it should be noted, is done without the camera moving away and is brutally and realistically graphic. So much so, it’ll probably turn you off to eating your own eye.

Splatter: Naked Blood

And the scientist mom? Someone cut a portal so big in her gut as to allow her dead husband to crawl into. (Don’t ask — just watch.) The gore is magnificent and lives up to the movie’s title of splattering and being naked, so really, the plot is all but there to pass the time.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I got a hankerin’ for some elbow macaroni.

Horny Space Gargoyles

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Terror Within

At some point during the future, a chemical warfare “oops” happened and everybody died. I’m surprised you didn’t know about it. This turned the world into a post-apocalyptic wasteland, full of dirt, caves and gargoyles. Fortunately, a small group of scientists in matching jumpsuits were able to create an antidote and sequester themselves in an underground science lab. From there they venture out into the dirt to see if anyone is left alive and if so, can they direct them to the nearest 7-Eleven™ (they’re always open) for a refreshing Slurpee™ because damn, it’s hot out there.

The Terror Within

Those who do not come back are presumed ripped into Bacon Bits™ by the surface gargoyles and their food rations dispensed among the inwardly happy survivors. One such patrol yields a supermodel not yet turned into Californian gargoyle wrap. They take her back to the science hole and discover she’s pregnant. One theory as to who the father is. During the extremely truncated gestation period, she gets ready to pop in just a few hours. One doctor chick slices open the mom-to-be’s gut bucket (i.e., stomach), reaches in and pulls out a (you’re NOT gonna believe this) gargoyle. Before the reluctant mother can give it a name, like Rot Face Chew Boy or Dougy, the thing wiggles away and leaves mom ready for a dirt nap.

The Terror WithinThe newborn makes its way into the air vent and grows at an accelerated rate. The rest of the scientists are pretty much screwed — they can’t stay in, yet they can’t go out. A quandary for sure. Now in his teens, the gargoyle puts his raging hormones to use and gets busy with one of the science chicks, who gives birth a half-hour later as well. What the heck is it with gargoyles and their whole “I don’t use condoms, man” ethic?

The Terror Within

The gargoyle resembles an alligator if the alligator was turned inside out and stood on two legs and had rubber-looking feet and claws. It doesn’t need to be said, but those gargoyles are king butt unattractive. With only two scientists (a dude and a chick) remaining, the race is one to get out of the doom tunnel before the gargoyle wants to knock boots again. Smellin’ a party, all the top-side gargoyles come a’runnin’.

The Terror Within

Were it not for a strategically placed bomb (no underground laboratory with limited escape routes should be without one), it could’ve been an all-out slumber party for horny beasts. (If even one of the monsters was from, say, the Castro District in San Francisco, the last remaining science dude would be looking for the nearest phaser to swallow. Okay, that didn’t come out right.) And were it not for the Alien (1979) rip-off scenes and overly long plot padding, I might’ve given the generic The Terror Within (1989), half a zero instead of a full zero.

Lady Bugs

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

INvasion of the Bee Girls

You say you’re in the mood for some horizontal lovin’ and the gorgeous and sexy Bee girls are standing by, ready to assist, even though your two minutes in heaven results in a happy but quick demise due to sexual exhaustion? Seems like a fair trade.

Invasion of the Bee Girls

That’s the campy yet cautionary set-up of 1973’s sex-filled sci-fi, Invasion of the Bee Girls (aka, Graveyard Tramps), wherein a female mad scientist and her genetically altered doll drones seduce men to death. These Bee girls give honey, then take it back. Again, fair trade.

Invasion of the Bee Girls

No one was complaining until John Grubowsky, a bacteriologist at government-funded Brandt Research, died pants-less (and happy). Special agent Neil Agar is sent to California to investigate. What he discovers is that more and more men are dying in the same manner (congestive heart failure due to extreme bump ‘n grind), and that scientists are a randy bunch in spite of their freshly laundered lab coats.

Invasion of the Bee Girls

Agar discerns a death pattern. Outside of them all being naked and frozen in the moment of el flagrante delicto, that is. Helping him establish cause and causality is Dr. Julie Zorn, a young and free-spirited (i.e., bra-less) entomologist studying the mating habits of bees. Convenient for everyone involved.

Invasion of the Bee Girls

After a married scientist is seduced to freshness expiration, the super hot mad scientist gal calls his widow and tricks her into coming to the lab. It’s there all the Bee girls strip her down, cover her in some sort of sticky goo (hold the jokes, please), put her into the radiation presto-change-o chamber and, with the help of bees of all things, turn her into one of them. Tell tale sign — completely black eyes and no clothes. Insects care not for fashion.

Invasion of the Bee Girls

When they try doing this to Agent Agar’s new girlfriend (the aforementioned bee expert) he has to use his blow-dried hair and power meeting slacks to rescue her. Lucky for her he got there in time. Lucky for him she was without clothing.

Invasion of the Bee Girls

In all, classic stuff full of lots and lots of naked, although it should concern you that any one of the Bee girls might very well be your mom back in her wild, entomology-filled youth.

Zombie Babysitters, Bigfoot Infections, Backward Clocks

Posted in Bigfoot, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cargo

Four more new horror/sci-fi flicks. It’s as if they’re being manufactured by some sort of movie assembling plant or something. Wonder if one of those things really do exist? Maybe someone in Hollywood knows.

CARGO (2018)
“In a desperate bid to outrun a violent pandemic, Andy and Kay have holed up on a houseboat with their one-year-old daughter, Rosie. Their protected river existence is shattered by a violent attack, which sees Kay tragically die and Andy infected. Left with only 48 hours before he transforms into one of the creatures they have fought so long to evade, Andy sets out on a precarious journey to find a new guardian for his child.”

This one’s still in production as of this sentence-spitting. Who knows, by the time it comes out if could go from being YET ANOTHER zombie movie to a rom-com. Interesting premise, though — trying to find a nanny in a zombie wasteland. Just so you know, sitter rates double for this one.

The Fiance

THE FIANCE (out now)
“When a beautiful bride-to-be is bitten by the legendary creature, Bigfoot, she becomes a brutal force of nature hellbent on breaking her engagement — and her fiancé.”

Bitten by Bigfoot? You’d think he’d kick her, what with that famous foot of his and all. So if Bigfoot’s bite can turn you into another Bigfoot, imagine what being chomped by a Crap Monkey would do?

Villisca

THE AXE MURDERS OF VILLISCA (2017 / VOD / Limited)
“Now used as a tourist destination, the Villisca Axe Murder House has terrified visitors from around the world and is considered one of the most haunted houses in America. Three troubled teens who decide to break in and spend the night at the house, forever changing who they are and what is known about the original murders.”

Again with the troubled teens. Wonder what makes those over-privileged little sh*t heads so angst-y? Maybe I should talk to them and axe them a few questions. You know, get to the bottom of their problems and bury the hatchet.

Couner Clockwise

COUNTER CLOCKWISE (December 13, 2016)
“A scientist, while working on inventing teleportation, instead accidentally invents time travel and zaps himself six months into the future. But that future is a sinister, confusing and violent one as he finds himself being chased by gun-toting hitmen as well as being the prime suspect in the murders of his wife and sister. He attempts to change history and save his loved ones by traveling back in time to uncover the mysteries.”

Sounds like The Fugitive (1993) meets Back To The Future (1985). If I ever get around to inventing time travel, I’d go back and re-drink all the beers I used to baptize my inner neck with. Wouldn’t re-guzzle that first Jagermeister smoothie, though; No amount of time tampering is gonna fix that mess.

No Fizzle In This Missile

Posted in Aliens, Godzilla, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 21, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Lost Missile1958’s The Lost Missile is categorized as a sci-fi movie, but it’s kinda sorta not really. For one thing missiles – lost or not – are pretty much fact. (What do you think we’ve been shooting at Godzilla for the last 60+ years – milkshake straw wrapper spitwads?) Secondly, there’s no uninvited space alien or laser guns to show said party-crashing extraterrestrial the door. Matters not – The Lost Missile is a gripping moment-by-moment flick with battle-ready military, explode-y bombs, real estate damage, and more importantly, panicking.

The Lost Missile

So this unidentified missile — about the size of a vertical submarine — is zooming through space, aimed STRAIGHT AT EARTH. Dang – of all the flippin’ planets out there, it had to choose us. Wanting to show off their military superiority, a nation on the other side of the world (they don’t say who, but I’m looking in your direction outer Mongolia) shoots a rocket (or “missile”) at it. Nice move – they only succeeded in diverting the runaway weapon right into our atmosphere. And I say “our” because it’s heading straight for New York by way of Canada.

The Lost Missile

What follows next is pretty exciting, even though 90.3% of the movie is built around stock Civil Defense footage showing people evacuating the city by heading into bomb shelters, movie theaters, basements and apocalypse-proof hall closets. (It should be noted that doomsday’rs head straight for the bars.)

The Lost Missile

Thankfully, a scientist and his science fiancée (or would that be “sciencée”?) have been working on a hydrogen warhead in-between practicing for their honeymoon. The plan is to stick it in a ready-to-launch rocket and shoot it at the missile, thereby blasting it into nuclear fallout particles/morsels to rain harmlessly down upon our breathable faces/lungs.

The Lost Missile

Lots of exciting footage of real Air Force jets ineffectively firing missiles at the lost missile, which is wreaking Rodan-like destruction in its low-atmosphere trek around the world. Yeah, they gotta fluff the pillows with taut apprehension as it liberally applies to school kids, countdowns, relationship-y stuff. But even with the weapons of mass distraction, The Lost Missile brings home the excitement groceries.

German vs. Germ, Man

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 13, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Flesh-Eaters

The flesh-eaters in The Flesh-Eaters (1964) are miniature marshmallow-sized sparkly organisms in the water that eat your flesh. You don’t need to know where they came from or why human flesh is the only thing that makes their tummies feel all nice ’n happy. All you really need to know is that the handsome pilot of a chartered sea plane and his two hot clients (an alcoholic movie starlet and her tight-sweatered assistant) were forced to land on a barren island whose waters are teeming with said hungry microbes.

The Flesh-Eaters

Thinking they’ll have to wait out the storm by sleeping in the dirt, a German scientist scuba diver comes out of the surf and lets them sleep in his zelt (tent). Ach du lieber — this man’s a Nazi! Accent aside, he seems nice — AT FIRST. He even acts appropriately sympathetic when a picked-to-the-bone skeleton washes up on shore (Was not aware skeletons were bouyant.). “Must’ve been a shark,” he rationally deduces. There’s German logic for you.

The Flesh-Eaters

With no coconuts to make a radio out of, the castaways have to wait a few days for a supply boat. But the German — like all zelt-dwelling Germans — has a secret agenda. He figured out a way to stun the microbes. By throwing a positive and negative charge into the water he can immobilize the twerps, then put ’em in jars and eBay™ ’em off to the highest bidding government as a war weapon.

The Flesh-Eaters

But what the Nazi didn’t count on was that the electricity makes the organisms bond together and grow into an electric shellfish with one eye. Fortified with 10,000 volts, this “electro-crab,” the size of Godzilla’s dining room table, rises out of the ocean, ready to shock and awe. Mostly shock, though.

The Flesh-Eaters

Can the pilot save the day with his good looks? Will the Nazi get a taste of his own burning flesh? Will the hot assistant find another reason to take off her shirt? Man, they really knew how to make drama-filled sci-fi back in 1964.

Giant Bug vs. Enormous Bug

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 4, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Deadly Mantis

There is only one thing The Deadly Mantis (1957) has over the almost identical Them! (1954), a nuclear monster movie hailed by the American Film Institute as one of the greatest sci-fi movies of all time: The bug looks cooler. Yeah, I said it.

The Deadly Mantis

The giant ants in Them! look like someone stuck pipe cleaners into a couple of potatoes and spray-painted ’em with Rust-oleum™. The giant mantis in The Deadly Mantis looks exactly like a mantis, all alien-esque, spindly and icky. (While we’re on the subject, The Outer Limits Zanti Misfits (1963) look more like what ants are supposed to look like minus the big bulging eyeballs, though I’ve seen a few of those things crawling around just after last call.)

The Zanti Misfits

Taking the page-by-page format of the “giant insects eat civilization” right out of the Them! playbook, the title 200 foot-long Mantidae (biology name) was de-iced after a volcano thawed it from its icy cube in the North Pole. (I didn’t know they had active volcanoes in the North Pole. Snowball fights, yes; but lava?)

The Deadly Mantis

The military stationed up there (building a massive early detection network) sustains severe preliminary damage as the mantis feeds itself on mess hall chow (servicemen). Then it flys south, theorized to be heading to South America where I here it’s warmer than the North Pole and more suitable for getting an all-around tan. (Note to self: Use that tanning salon coupon before it expires.)

The Deadly Mantis

On its way for a vacation, the mantis buzzes Washington, D.C., and takes a poop rest on the Washington Monument, totally mocking visiting hours. Jets are dispatched, but the launched missiles rarely connect with their exoskeleton target. (Note to the city down below: the air force was just trying to help, man – get over it.)

The Deadly Mantis

One heroic pilot accidentally rams his jet into the bug due to London-grade fog that seems to be covering the entire East Coast, ejecting before ka-BOOM! The mantis hits the ground and crawls into the Manhattan Tunnel, mimicking the giants ants that took up homeless camp residence in the vast Los Angeles drainage tunnels and mocking New York Port Authority’s toll charges. The bail-out pilot leads the charge into the tunnel, armed with chemical gas can bombs, and throws it right onto the face of mantis. In your face, deadly mantis!

The Deadly Mantis

But for all its plagiarized similarities to Them!, The Deadly Mantis has two very funny scenes. One is with a bunch of military guys jailhouse rockin’ each other in the rec room as there are no dames around at the North Pole, and the other where a scientist and a dame (visiting journalist covering the story) and a military dude are theorizing how big the monster is, guessing that it’s probably over six-feet tall. This while the mantis is right outside their window and rising up over three stories. I just about crapped sno-cones over that one.

In conclusion, while the sci-fi sorta classic The Deadly Mantis looks good, it isn’t as good as Them!

P.S. For more big bug fun, watch 1957’s Beginning of the End – it features REAL giant grasshoppers. Those things goon me out for some reason.

Beginning of the End