Archive for undead

A Baker’s Dozen Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Thir13en Ghosts

An evil rich uncle figured out a way to capture souls and store them in stay-fresh cubicles in his house, which is made of glass walls with Latin slogans on them to keep the pesky dead from touching his stuff.

Thir13en Ghosts

These ghosts aren’t of the Casper variety — they’re the most gnarliest, f’d-up poltergeists on the planet, looking like they came from Marilyn Manson’s shiny pants.

Thir13en GhostsEach of these ghosts were chosen for their unique energy, which, when combined with a demonic machine and a spell from some spell book, will open the Eye of Hell, allowing the user to see behind the creation curtain. (I’ve seen it — just a bunch of boxes filled with last year’s Christmas decorations.)

Thir13en Ghosts

A family inherits the evil uncle’s house after said relative dies while trying to round up a ghost that doesn’t want to be rounded up. “This isn’t a house; it’s a machine made by the Devil and powered by the Dead,” remarks one ghost-hunter. An understatement — all the ghosts are contained in the basement, but the family screws around with the buttons in the Rubik’s Cube™ mansion and let the stinky wraiths out. Then it’s smack ass time.

Thir13en Ghosts

These ghosts make Hellraiser’s Cenobites look like cotton candy vendors at Disneyland™. Blood and guts decorate the stylish glass walls like Dutch Boy™ paint. Lots of swearing, tension, and a handful of flinchy moments that’ll have you tossing your popcorn before you eat it, thereby wasting it.

Thir13en Ghosts

2001’s Thir13en Ghosts (a hardcore graphic re-imagining of 13 Ghosts/1960) is quite lean on suspense and backstory, though, which makes it hard to give the ghosts some love when you don’t really know anything about them. As for the evil uncle, it’s not explained why he’s so mean. No matter; It’s heartwarming to see such ultra-violence and brain goo.

A Vampire Who Takes Handsome lessons

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , on December 8, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Immortality

Finally, a vampire movie that re-invents the genre to the point you’ll no longer think of the blood-sucking undead as glaring, cape-wearing suckwads with glowing eyeballs. (Not like the ones I see in the grocery store all the time.)

Immortality

A young British man (straight teeth — no fangs or poor genetics) is double handsome and triple charming. He uses these enhanced techniques to entice women to his flat (deflated apartment), where he seduces (politely feels them up) them in really cool ways, too — wine, polite conversation, demonic shadow-casting

Immortality

Sufficiently dazzled, he gets ’em in the sack, then in the throat, where he needs the enhanced emotions that provide nutrients, which keep him alive.

Immortality

Along the way, Immortality (aka, The Wisdom of Crocodiles/1998) takes several amazing turns. The cops are on to him, yet he cleverly plays into their hands. He encounters street thugs in a very intense stand-off, uses only his wicked charms to talk the ruffians down. Then he gets a girlfriend who he doesn’t want to kill, yet…he…must.

Immortality

Extremely intelligent, superbly acted, with dialogue that doesn’t make you wanna punch the director in the lens.

Crappy UFOs, Haunted Mansions, Pre-made Zombies

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Curse of the Man Who Sees UFOs

Recently watched a “documentary” called Curse of the Man Who Sees UFOS (2016). In the first five minutes the cursed and excitable Christo Roppolo, looking to be in his late 50s, reenacts going to the park at night, looking up and seeing a UFO. The said unidentified flying object sets ‘ol Christo’s innards a’ rumblin’ and he quickly runs over to a tree, drops trou, and lets loose a huge, public steamer. Laughing, he recounts leaving the park with an identifiable wet stain on the back of his britches. That’s icky and funny at the same time!

The eccentric Christo, however, has video proof of multiple UFO sightings around Monterey, CA, documenting quite a few close encounters. And he does this with bowel-emptying glee. (Note to self: bring Handi-Wipes™ on next UFO hunting excursion.)

That publicly stated, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you feeling like you need to ruin public parks with your steaming wrongness…

I Make Corpses

I MAKE CORPSES (available now)
“A serial killer whose work has suddenly become exponentially easier thanks to a recent zombie outbreak and thus, is able to create corpses and make it look like they were simply killed by the undead to avoid any suspicion on his part. During a zombie outbreak the dead reanimate and Ben becomes a little complacent in ensuring the corpses are disposed of correctly, and soon his handiwork rears its ugly head.”

This is a film short, which is too bad as the premise is pretty clever cool and would make for a double pretty clever cool full-length feature type thingamajig.

Planet Rehab

PLANET REHAB (available now/VOD)
“It’s a race to save mankind and hybrids from the aliens that would get them hooked on crack. One man, Dakota Schill, armed with his crack factory, fights the good fight against the alien intruders. A little crazy, a lot sexy, and definitely off the wall!”

Drug dealing aliens. Would’ve thought they’d try and get us drunk on Romulan Ale; we’d be a lot easier to abduct as alcoholics than as crackheads, who are way monkey crazy and unpredictable. Drunks just wanna sit in their own makings and not do anything else except keep drinking. Or so I’ve heard. Ahem.

Delirium

DELIRIUM (January 19, 2018)
The Hell Gang, an exclusive club made up of a group of school friends, promise their classmate Eddie that he can join the gang if he can just make it to the porch of a legendary local mansion with a dark, sinister past. Others have tried but none have made it within sight of the mansion before fleeing back in terror. And Eddie, who is rigged with a camera to prove he did it, does not return at all! Five members of the gang must now go in to find him. They set off, confident that Eddie is trying to prank them, but what they find in the old mansion is even more terrifying than the campfire stories and legends of murdered children that once lived there.”

Kinda sounds like a spin on Salem’s Lot (1979/2004) and the spooky ass Marsten House, which has been rented to vampires. (They probably had to put down a larger damage deposit to cover carpet cleaning.)

The Russian Bride

THE RUSSIAN BRIDE (2018)
“A Russian woman travels to America with her daughter to marry a reclusive billionaire, who turns out to be a madman and sends their lives spiraling into a living hell.”

Marriage is the best worse horror story ever, and nothing like the rom-coms they churn out like horror movies. If you’re married and are happy, disregard the above sentence.

Virgin Vampires With Full Moons

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Devil's Wedding Night

The Devil’s Wedding Night (aka, The Devil’s Crypt, Full Moon of the Virgins, Il Plenilunio delle Vergini/Italy, 1973) isn’t nearly as lip-smacking as it sounds. In fact, the Devil doesn’t even show up to his own happiest day. (Who can blame him? His brides/victims won’t sign a pre-nup.) But you don’t need him when you have a clothes-hating, female vampire bathing in human blood squeezings, likely for its moisturizing properties.

The Devil's Wedding Night

Two handsome brothers are twin archaeologists. One likes to gamble and make smooch happen with chicks. One wants to find the invaluable Ring of the Nibelung (it has mind-moisturizing properties), said to be in Castle Dracula in Transylvania, high up in the Carpathian Ski Mountains. Since this in the early 1900s and there is no Uber or Lyft to get him there, he has to ride his horse. (He never tips the pony or gives it a good rating, the jerk.)

The Devil's Wedding Night

Once at the castle, handsome twin #2 knocks on the door and tells the emotionless gal he’s an architect and wants to study the castle’s feng shui. While wandering around like a snoopy guest opening up underwear drawers and medicine cabinets, he hears a shrieking sound and sees moving shadows. It’s here he meets Countess Dracula, who invites him to stay for dinner and dessert, if you get my drift. Turns out, he’s the main course, but not before a little rub-a-dub.

The Devil's Wedding Night

While this shameful action is going on, his brother is hot on the trail, rushing to bring him a protective amulet to ward away evil. Ironic, since the fabled jewelry is said to have been fashioned by Pazuzu, King of the Demons. (I would’ve thought P would be more into Gothic cabinetry than homemade jewelry.)

The Devil's Wedding Night

As it so happens, tonight is the full moon of the virgins, wherein five as yet undefiled young gals from the nearby village fall under the ring’s spell, and they all walk to the castle at midnight, where in Countess Dracula extracts their blood and slathers it all over herself, likely for its moisturizing properties.

The Devil's Wedding Night

There’s a lot of running around the castle holding lit candles since the psychedelic, rainless lightning storm raging outside must’ve knocked out the power. Handsome twin brother #1 eventually stumbles across his brother entombed in a stone coffin and beats down a bald male vampire with sick thick eyebrows to rescue him.

The Devil's Wedding Night

The virgins show up, the countess turns into a giant bat, the handsome brother chops off her hand, snags the ring, gives his brother an economic, in-ground burial after serving up a stake well done.

So even as “meh” as this all is, stick around for the double twist ending. It will make you believe in the power of jewelry.

Wining Zombies, Accidental Superpowers, The Endless Endless

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 7, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead Wine

For those of you/us/me who get drunk on The Walking Dead, can now actually get drunk on The Walking Dead with the release of three special edition TWD bottles of wine. (Disclaimer: I don’t drink wine — I drink beer, for those of you making out your Christmas gift lists).

From the press release: “Wine lovers and fans of The Walking Dead can now order The Walking Dead Wine Collection from Lot18 in partnership with AMC. Perfect for your weekly viewing parties or for any occasion, the limited-edition collection features three hand-crafted blends and uniquely designed labels to honor the essence of characters from the series. The inspiration behind the wines are as follows…”

Rick Grimes – 2016 California Petite Sirah. This red is a true crowd pleaser – bold, dark and balanced, exhibiting a notable tension between the bright acidity and firm, tannic structure.”

Daryl Dixon – 2016 California Cabernet Sauvignon. Similarly reliable, showing depth and an attractive core of ripe black fruits, intermingled with savory nuances of coffee bean and dried herbs.”

Negan – California Bourbon Barrel Red Blend. Bourbon barrel aged for three months. Composed of 73% Merlots, 18% Zinfandel and 9% Petite Sirah.”

Too many descriptive adjectives, one of 100 gripes I have with wine. Beer only needs one word to sell it: Ice cold. (Okay, that’s two words, but they both mean the same thing.)

Get TWD wine series wile supplies last: $20 a bottle, $132.00 MSRP 1/2 case, $264.00 full case. Click HERE to get drunk.

While you go shopping for new wine straws, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to suck down…

Apocalypse Road

APOCALYPSE ROAD (December 5, 2017/VOD)
“Following a post-apocalyptic event, two sisters are hunted down and separated by a gang of ruthless killers intent on creating their own twisted form of law and order. The sisters must fight through this new, dangerous world to stay alive in the hopes of being reunited, and escaping to freedom.”

The don’t say what the apocalyptic event is, but I can theorize that all the ICE COLD beer ran out. That’s enough to drive anyone over the edge of sanity.

Day of the Dead: Bloodline

DAY OF THE DEAD: BLOODLINE (January 5, 2018/VOD)
“A re-imagining of George A. Romero’s cult classic, Day of the Dead: Bloodline is set in a post-apocalyptic, zombie-filled world where a former med school student is tormented by a dark figure from her past. The only thing is, he’s a half-human, half-zombie hell-bent on destroying her world.”

So this mysterious figure is half-human/half-zombie. Which half is which? That’ll be important to know when shopping for a bathing suit.

Psychokinesis

PSYCHOKINESIS (2018)
“An ordinary man accidentally obtains superpowers and uses them to help his daughter and others around them.”

The phrase “accidentally obtains superpowers” is how I describe myself after drinking  a half case of pre-apocalyptic ICE COLD beers.

The Endless

THE ENDLESS (2018)
“A lonesome man at the threshold of death finds himself trapped in a place called The Endless.”

Yep, he’s stuck in a dive bar bathroom.

Hellish Rock Stars, Gun Ghosts, Sequel Sharks

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Guitar Teacher From Hell

Clicked across this one while surfing for YET ANOTHER  black t-shirt to buy. Guitarist Acey Slade has created his own comic book series, Guitar Teacher From Hell ($4.99 for the printed comic/$1.99 for a digital download, which can be exchanged for money by clicking HERE). It’s so cool, I have to have it because I don’t know why.

From the press release: “Learning to play guitar is tough for everyone, but for 15-year-old Cory Conners it’s going to be Hell. Follow the torment as Cory learns how to play through legendary rock star guests hosted by Acey Slade who has teamed up with independent cartoonist Steven Reardon Jr. to create Guitar Teacher From Hell, a comic book series that plays on Faustian mythology portrayed in a dark comedy fantasy about the obsession young people have towards learning how to play the guitar.”

Acey Slade

Should probably get this now as I’ve been playing guitar for a number of years, though my neighbors think I only know how to play Iron Maiden, KISS and Black Sabbath. (Not all their songs, just one from each.)

Acey’s resume is a chart-topper: “Slade’s resume includes Rock & Roll Hall of Fame-inducted Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. In addition he has worked  with Misfits, Murderdolls and Dope. As a writer and producer, he has worked along side Earl Cohen (Lady Gaga/Jessica Simpson), Tom Camuso (Lenny Kravitz/DJ Logic/Ect). A New York-based musician with homes in Los Angeles and Taipei, Acey Slade has also been DJing and producing rock, hard rock, punk and pop for bands around the globe. He has engaged audiences with guitar clinics worldwide trekking from Moscow to Dallas. Other associated acts include: Trashlight Vision, Billy Liar, Amen, Rachel Lorin and Vampire Love Dolls.”

AND he has tattoos. I do, too, but mine come off in the shower. While I learn how to keep that from happening, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not permanently imprint themselves on your mind…

Blood Harvest

BLOOD HARVEST (November 21, 2017)
“A rural village is terrorized by an evil force that drains the blood from its victims. A discredited police detective, who believes the killings are the work of vampires, must team up with his former partner to uncover the truth.”

Vampires or discount doctors. Either or, the plot seems stock and played. What if the vampires were doctors? I would love to call my health insurance and go, “Yeah, I need to schedule a DAYTIME appointment with Dr. Vampire…” In addition to questionable medial practices/advice, it’d be cool if he/she could sell t-shirts in the waiting room with the kicker line: “Lose Blood Now — Ask Me How.”

Dawning of the Dead

DAWNING OF THE DEAD (December 5, 2017/VOD)
“While a virus that causes the dead to reanimate brings the world to its knees, the scientist responsible entrusts his cataclysmic findings to Katya Nevin, a troubled ex-war correspondent turned anchor-woman at W.W News. While she and the rest of her crew witness the collapse of society via video feeds from around the globe, a deadly special agent climbs the building floor by floor, his only goal to ensure her silence. Armed only with information and an indomitable will to live, Katya must overcome her crippling anxiety and learn to lead in order to make it out of the studio and into a terrifying new world where only the dead survive.”

There isn’t one thing original about this movie, which has been my major point of contention with the unending regurgitation of zombie movies. Wanna do something cool with zombies for a change? Start with set-in-Africa The Dead (2010) and/or South Korea’s Train To Busan (2016) and we’ll discuss.

Winchester: The House That Ghosts Built

WINCHESTER: THE HOUSE THAT GHOSTS BUILT (February 2, 2018)
“Inspired by true events. On an isolated stretch of land 50 miles outside of San Francisco sits the most haunted house in the world. Built by Sarah Winchester, heiress to the Winchester fortune, it is a house that knows no end. Constructed in an incessant twenty-four hour a day, seven day a week mania for decades, it stands seven stories tall and contains hundreds of rooms. To the outsider it looks like a monstrous monument to a disturbed woman’s madness. But Sarah is not building for herself, for her niece or for the brilliant Dr. Eric Price whom she has summoned to the house. She is building a prison, an asylum for hundreds of vengeful ghosts, and the most terrifying among them have a score to settle with the Winchesters.”

Great kicker line: “Terror is Building.” This house and its history actually exists. I wrote about it exactly one year to the day. Didn’t plan it that way, but I should be somehow rewarded, either with bit coins and/or candy. Can’t wait for this movie, even though its been done — poorly — a while back (i.e., Haunting of Winchester House/2009). Let’s hope they don’t suck the life out of this  ghost story. (Okay, that was funny.)

Deep Blue Sea 2

DEEP BLUE SEA 2 (2017/2018)
Dr. Klaus Van Etten experiments on bull sharks, much to the chagrin of Misty and her team of marine experts. The sharks get out and all hell breaks loose.”

That’s pretty much the same plot as Deep Blue Sea (1999), except Dr. Susan McAlester experimented on great white sharks that became mega aggressive/hungry and ate humans like they were peanut butter and jellyfish sandwiches.

All About Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Recovered Spacecraft

Was reading Listverse.com’s 10 Claims of Recovered Extraterrestrial Craft and was visibly shocked to see they didn’t include the UFO that was “parked” (half on the sidewalk, half in the fire lane) out behind The Poggie Tavern in my neighborhood. While it didn’t make headlines, the event nevertheless had more than a few witnesses. One claimed the unidentifiable craft was shiny and metallic, like a spaceship, but with windshield wipers.

Airstream Camper Car

Oh sure, they’ll give props to The Paradise Valley Incident Arizona, 1947 (#10) and The Kalahari Incident South Africa, 1989 (#8). But no love — or even an honorable mention — given for The Poggie Tavern Incident West Seattle, 2017.

Alien Parking

Thus, today’s theme for just released on VOD alien movies and documentaries, some of which may or may not make your Top 10…

Alien Implant: The Hunted Must Become The Hunted

ALIEN IMPLANT: THE HUNTED MUST BECOME THE HUNTER (available now)
“A brilliant female recluse sends a distress signal into outer space from a remote location, however it’s not a distress signal, it’s an ingenious trap designed to exact revenge on the extraterrestrials who abducted her as a child.”

Clunky title, but clever plot. Kinda implausible, though. Since all aliens look alike, how will this gal know she’s cappin’ the ass of the exact spacemen who forcibly babysat her? Maybe she should look around for aliens driving space vans offering candy to kids.

Alien Vs. Zombies

ALIEN VS. ZOMBIES (available now)
“An alien travels over galaxies to fulfill a lifelong dream of visiting Earth, only to discover that the planet has been overrun by a zombie plague, caused by a mysterious virus. Now he must team up with a small band of human survivors to save what is left of our world, while fighting off a bounty hunter from his home planet, who wants him to return home a crime he did not commit.”

The alien’s lifelong dream was to visit Earth? Given their propensity for probing, I’m surprised vacation alien didn’t want to go to Uranus.

The Alienators

THE ALIENATORS (available now)
“Two amateur ufologists investigate a woman’s claim that aliens are watching her. Two weeks later, she disappears under mysterious circumstances. During a missing persons investigation, confiscated footage leaks onto the Internet, receiving over 2,000,000 hits in just three hours before the authorities take it down. But many who saw the footage say it contained the most compelling and terrifying evidence of alien existence ever captured. This is that footage, compiled and released by The Civilian Department of Ufology, a privately owned UFO research and investigation organization.”

Love the kicker line for this: “The Most Documented Alien Abduction Case In F*cking History.” Gonna have to put this on my couch time watch list as the idea of two drunk UFO amateurs documenting proof of alien visitation is highly relatable to me for some reason. Ahem.

UFOs: The Best Evidence Ever Caught On Tape

UFOS: THE BEST EVIDENCE EVER CAUGHT ON TAPE — EXPANDED AND UPDATED DIRECTORS CUT (available now)
The Award Winning Fox Television Special, now including new shocking never before seen UFO footage. Shot by amateurs and professional alike, videos of extraordinary objects in the sky offer fantastic evidence of Alien activity now engaging the Planet Earth. This Expanded and Updated Director’s Cut includes the best UFO video ever caught on tape from the U.S. Government and Homeland Security.”

These kinds of documentaries crack me up as they always bring in someone from Star Trek to narrate, as if to give the topic more credibility. Star Trek: The Next Generation’s Jonathan Frakes (aka, Commander William T. Riker) lends his authoritative vocal cords to this one. Worf, the renounced citizenship Klingon on Next Generation, did one as well (Where Are All The UFOs?/1996). But the best comes from James Doohan (aka, Starship Engineer “Scotty”), who not only narrates all the UFO footage, they put him in UFOs: Above And Beyond (1997). And he really threw himself into the project by making intense facial expressions reinforced by his insistent tone. Aliens never had a better advocate.

P.S. This one originally came out in 2000. Glad to see someone still wants to believe.