Groovy Vampire, Goodwill Evil, Plush Shark

In 1972, the deliciously cheesy vampire classic Blacula was released to mixed reviews, but went on to become one of the top-grossing movies of that year, and was followed by Scream Blacula Scream in 1973. Mind you, top-grossing in those days meant it made enough to cover the film’s budget without ending up in gas station discount VHS bins. (That’s where I bought my copy.) In the genre-busting movie, African prince Mamuwalde was turned into a vampire in 1780 and locked in a coffin by that mean Count Dracula fellow. This is because Drac refused to help Mamuwalde help suppress the slave trade. Meet the old boss, same as the new boss.

But now, over 50 years later, Blacula is backula as the star of his own graphic novel: Blacula: Return of the King. Written by Rodney Barnes and illustrated by Jason Shawn Alexander, the $19.99/128 page book ( releasing January 31, 2023/Zombie Love Studios™) resurrects the soul-sucking vampire and to right a few wrongs. From the press release: “The book is an adaptation and expansion of the classic 1972 blaxploitation film that brings it to the modern day, pushing boundaries with its contemporary setting for the film’s characters.”

“Los Angeles – the City of Angels. Two souls, one is looking for vengeance and one is looking for the truth. They share one thing in common, they are both searching for the legendary vampire Blacula. Tina Thomas is a reporter for the blog Dark Knights, which chronicles all things unnatural, uneasy, and undead. She meets a young man named Kross whose family was forever changed by the vampire. Kross asks Tina to help him kill Blacula. Blacula, too, is on a mission — he’s searching for the one who forever changed his life centuries ago — Count Dracula.”

While you preorder Blacula: Return of the King (Amazon™/Barnes & Noble™) and scour eBay™, the equivalent of a gas station discount VHS bin, to get a copy of the original Blacula ($7.90 — $29.99) here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as stylishly groovy as a black vampire… 

SHE CAME FROM THE WOODS / February 10, 2023 (Limited/VOD)

“A group of counselors accidentally unleash an ancient evil spirit on the last night of a summer camp. As the situation turns bloody, the group is forced to confront what stories are worth telling and what secrets are worth keeping.”

Forget the woods…Always shop for ancient evil at Goodwill™ — great selection.

THE WELDER / February 24, 2023 (VOD)

“A Latina woman emotionally is scarred by her military service. Hoping to alleviate her stress, she embarks on a ranch vacation with her African American boyfriend. However, the couple’s relaxing weekend spirals into a nightmare of depravity and violence when they run afoul of a mad doctor bent on conducting macabre racial experiments.”

“Alleviating stress” and “mad doctor.” Sounds like a visit to my primary care physician. Which reminds me, I need to schedule an appointment. I haven’t been experimented on in a while.

DOLL SHARK / April 11, 2023 (DVD – SRS Cinema) 

“‘Sea Shark Swim’, the red hot online music video, is all the rage in children’s entertainment, setting records across social media and top streaming platforms. One of its biggest fans, a young boy named Kirby, receives a special gift from his dad, the famed shark hunter, Brock Banner – the doll from the show! However, Brock, thinking it would be a lucky charm, has hidden a tooth inside the toy from a shark he caught and killed. Soon the doll becomes possessed by the spirit of the evil sea beast! As the child spends a weekend with a nasty babysitter, the doll comes to life, feasting on bodies and wreaking havoc on the unsuspecting household.”

A stuffed shark stuffing itself with bodies. How could this possibly suck?

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: HONOR AMONG THIEVES / MARCH 31, 2023 (Theaters)

“A charming thief and a band of unlikely adventurers embark on an epic quest to retrieve a lost relic, but things go dangerously awry when they run afoul of the wrong people.”

A live action film of the popular board game first introduced in 1974. Never played it. I’m more of a 1975 kinda guy. 

Undead Ale, God Powers, Drug Bugs

Just when you think drinking couldn’t get any more fun, Zombeer™, brewed in Russia, is bottled with uniquely clever packaging: a three-layered sticker label that, when scratched, creates a whole new design with alternate zombies. As the sales sheet instructs, “Tear your human casing apart leave human worries behind and become a zombie.” Awesomely awesome. But if I’m drinking beer, that means I already left my human worries behind.

From brewery’s press release: “Zombeer™ is brewed by small Moscow brewery Solod™ in the Belgian style and has a high density and strength. Enjoy a complex taste of malt sweetness with a hint of caramel, chocolate and dried fruits. Fermented in a bottle.” The irony here is, when you drink beer, YOU become fermented.

While I wait for a case of it to be shipped to me (only set me back 34376.07 Rubles), here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you feel like scratching your face off…

ISLAND / Out now (Amazon Prime™)

“Evil took its first step to destroy the world. On the mysterious Jeju Island, the gateway to this, Van is a mix of human and monster. Won Mi-ho is the center of fate. And Johan is exercises God’s power. The all come together in this strange, yet captivating, action-packed exorcism fantasy, in which they fight evil, sharing the fate of saving the world — and to defy their own.”

Hard top pick which super power I’d want. Since I’m already a mix tape of human and monster, it’d be cool to be the center of fate, if only to wield as a bar trick. Having God’s power means you get to live in the sky and make people give you money in order to worship you. And you wouldn’t even need a Stargate to get around town. I’ll go with that one.  

BIRDEMIC 3: SEA EAGLE / January 24, 2023 (VOD)

“When global warming triggers chaos along the Northern California coast, two scientific researchers will discover tender romance, appalling CGI, automatic weapons, and attacks by sea eagles that could lead to the extinction of life on Earth.”

There is no place for romance in a world under attack by sea eagles using their beaks of doom to cause global extinction. Quit being love birds and let the grisly gulls bestow an epic party fowl on humanity.

WOMAN OF THE PHOTOGRAPHS / February 7, 2023 (VOD)

“Kai, a solitary and skilled digital photographer, begins a twisted romance with a model suffering from body dysmorphia and obsessed with appearing perfect in her photos.”

Dysmorphia is defined as having mental disorder characterized by the “obsessive idea that some aspect of one’s own body part or appearance is severely flawed and therefore warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it.” No wonder women buy so much makeup.

SWALLOWED / February 14, 2023 (VOD)

“After a drug run goes bad, two friends must survive a nightmarish ordeal of drugs, bugs and horrific intimacy in this backwoods body-horror thriller.”

Just say no to bugs.

Gore-geous Plaything, Zombie Therapist, Evil Goats

Elvira, the legendary Mistress of the Dark, is a living doll. Now, thank to Mattel™, she’s a plastic one, too. As part of Mattel’s™ Monster High collection, which includes The Shining, Stephen King’s IT, Beetlejuice, and Gremlins 2, the Elvira Skullector Doll releases on January 13, 2023 and sells for a mere $65.00. You should drop everything (unless you’re holding a glass bowl full of beer and/or cereal) and buy it here. 

From Mattel’s™ website: “The Mistress of the Dark wears a ghoulishly glam gown with a peekaboo slit and screamium details like spooky spider stilettos, her signature dagger, and Great-Aunt Morgana’s magic ruby ring. Additional highlights include her iconic pitch black, stylized hair, while her eyes mesmerize with delicate spider-webbing in her irises. Dramatic makeup, a beauty mark and black painted nails add drop-dead gore-geous detail to her killer look. Comes included with displayable packaging and a black Monster High™ doll stand.”

While we inquire as to whether the Elvira Skullector Doll comes in adult size — and possible inflatable — here are a few out now/up and coming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as exhilarating as Elvira’s trademark(s)…

THE ZOMPOCALYPSE THERAPY SESSIONS / Out now (VOD)

“An anxious therapist and her awkward clients wrestle to overcome personal issues and zombies.”

A better premise would be zombies who seek professional therapy for self-esteem issues, like why do people keep trying to shoot me in the head and/or running away screaming? Embarking on a journey of personal improvement with all that negativity in your un-life is a challenge no one should ever have to face. 

CANNIBAL CABIN Out now (VOD)

“A group of 20 somethings want to end the summer on a high, they take the advice from a girl they met at a festival about a secret rave deep in the valleys. When their route is detoured they have no choice but to venture into the unknown. Once they come across a derelict aqua park, they soon realize what they thought was their salvation turns out to be the heart of the Cannibal’s lair.”

The problem with consuming 20 somethings is that while they look appetizing, they taste bland. Kinda like eating the cheese-stained box a pizza comes in. 

KILL HER GOATS / January 13, 2023 (VOD)

Audra’s graduation gift is her dream house, but it soon becomes a living nightmare when some uninvited guests come to her homecoming party who aren’t very subtle about the fact they don’t approve of the home’s new owner.”

Audra got a dream house AND goats for a graduation gift? All I got was a one-way bus ticket to another state.

WALPURGIS NIGHT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A wealthy couple, Imre and Justine, are visiting the deep forests of Romania and find themselves at the mercy of Waldemar Daninsky, a werewolf. Waldemar and Justine must travel to London to seek the help from Dr. Jekyll’s grandson.”

I wouldn’t trust any advice from Dr. Jekyll’s grandkid — I hear he’s as two-faced as his grandfather.

Guitar Monster, Tunnel Monster, Space Monster

If you’re a fan or horror movies and guitars, then you’ll totally want Deathgrips™, a monster/creature hand that’s actually a guitar wall hanger. And if you don’t have a guitar, you can hang other things on ‘em, like rubber bands, a clean bathing suit or leftover spaghetti. But mostly guitars.

The downright cool guitar hangars are designed by Gabe Escamilla and available on his Etsy™ store, the world’s largest garage sale: “Deathgrips™ are wall-mounted monster hand hangers designed to hang guitars and a variety of other items…wherever you need a hand.” 

“Original creature designs are sculpted with intricate detail and scaled to life-size. Each one is individually resin-cast in custom molds that leave no parting lines. Special-effects painting techniques are applied to hand-painted versions: shadows, blood, custom fur application… They can hold most acoustic, electric and heavy bass guitars. Also violins and ukes! Guitar hanging area is coated with a thin layer of clear rubber to add a protective cushion.”

Prices for the cleverly-titled, fully-painted hangars are a bit lofty (most expensive: 148.87£ = $184.09 US), but you can get unfinished versions for $72.59 and colorize to your liking. But c’mon — you know your life won’t be complete without at least five of ‘em.

While go to the store and buy YET ANOTHER guitar to hang on the wall, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not complete your life…

CIRCLE LINE / January 5, 2023 (Theaters/Singapore)

“Trapped in the underground train tunnel system, a single mother’s resolve to protect her son is tested to the extreme as both of them are the few remaining survivors of an attack by a monster. Meanwhile in the control room, duty engineers fight desperately to rescue the trapped survivors.”

Of course mutant lizard/rat hybrid monster is underground. Where else his it gonna live — besides in my neighborhood?

ALIVE / January 31, 2023 (VOD)

“Helen navigates a ravaged world with her boyfriend Kevin and her little brother Barney. Desperate to find help after Barney’s infection slowly turns him into a zombie, they come upon a house where lives Dan, a man harboring a heavy secret.”

I know Dan’s secret — he’s got a really bad cold…and doesn’t care who he passes it onto, thereby infecting everybody within sneezing range. Dan is a dick.

SPACE MONSTER MANGWAGWI / January 2023 (Blu-ray)

“Aliens from another world seeking the conquest of Earth invade with flying saucers. They unleash a gigantic monster called Wangmagwi, that destroys everything in its path. The Air Force, led by ace pilot Oh Jeong-hwan, is dispatched, but can do little in such still heavily-populated areas. Wangmagwi deploys a powerful death ray, melting entire buildings, forcing Oh Jeong-hwan to finally take action. But will he be able to stop the titanic behemoth once and for all?”

South Korea’s Space Monster Wangmagwi came out in 1967 and was thought to be lost after the fact. Now its finally un-lost and being made available on physical media for the first time in the history of television, which I’m pretty sure wasn’t even invented until 1970. Regardless, technology to the rescue once again.

THE UFO MOVIE THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO SEE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A documentary showing the real science behind today’s UFO phenomenon. Why are they talking about UFOs in Congress? What’s behind all these videos? And most important of all: Are we being visited?”

Not surprisingly, I can easily answer all these questions. 1. Why are people in Congress talking about UFOs? To distract from all their non-accomplishments, political scandals and f’d in the b-hole party extremism. 2. What’s behind all these videos? Someone with a camera. 3. Are we being visited? Yes. And they come bearing cookies.

Halloween Hooch, Mexican Zombies, Blue Collar Aliens

When we were kids, trick-or-treating on Halloween was like winning the tooth-decay Lottery™. Now that we’re adults (ahem), Halloween for this “aging disgracefully” community is an opportunity for something even sweeter than free candy: refreshing AND invigorating alcohol.

To celebrate Halloween properly, here are new themed cocktails to scare the sobriety right outta you. On the Breckenridge Distillery™ website, they’ve come up with a menu of deadly delicious All Hallow’s Eve adult beverages that not only taste like Hell (in a good way), a few even have horror movie references that make ‘em worthy of a second/third/fourth round. (See the recipes HERE) 

A few drink examples: “You’ll Float, Too,” a Pennywise aperitif (yeesh, that’s a pretentious word) concocted with Breckenridge Chili Chile Vodka™, lemonade, red honey, lemon sherbet and soda. It’s an “I scream” float — heh. Then there’s the Harry Potter drink, “Deathly Hallows,” made with Breckenridge Bourbon™, vanilla bean syrup, apple cider, and cranberry juice. That’ll stiffen your wand. 

Other cool bevs include, “The Upside Down,” “Hallows & Horcruxes,” “Bedlam & Broomsticks,” and my favorite: “Don’t Fall Asleep,” a Nightmare on Elm Street cocktail. (Ironically, drinking five of these will probably make you fall asleep/pass out, at which point Freddy Krueger — or pink Freddy Kreugers — will come to f*ck up your sloshed slumber.)

While you beg your bartender to make you one of these seasonal drinkables, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need alcohol to enjoy…

MEXZOMBIES / Out now (ViX+)

Two misfit teenagers: Cronos, a lover of classic cinema, and Tavo, an aspiring parkour expert. Along with their friends from the exclusive Sierra Linda neighborhood, they must face the unexpected challenge of preventing a zombie apocalypse in Mexico City. As they test their friendship, they also search for their first love.”

Why did they go and ruin a perfectly good Mexican zombie movie by adding “friendship” and “first love”? An undead apocalypse is not the time OR place for BFFs and/or smooching. Mierda total. 

THE AREA 51 INCIDENT / November 1, 2022 (VOD)

“An outbreak occurs in the infamous Area 51, leading a group of survivors to an underground bunker — only to learn they are not alone.”

Of course they’re not alone. They’re in Area 51, which means the place is crawling with extraterrestrials. Heck, aliens even hold down day jobs at Area 51— and they don’t need humans bugging ‘em while they’re at work. You don’t see aliens harassing you at 7-Eleven™ where you work… 

MANDRAKE / November 10, 2022 (Shudder™)

“A probation officer, Cathy Madden is tasked with rehabilitating a notorious killer named ‘Bloody’ Mary Laidlaw back into society following a two-decade sentence.”

A Mandrake is a narcotic, short-stemmed European plant, Mandragora officinarum, of the nightshade family, having a fleshy, often forked root somewhat resembling a human form. What this has to do with a notorious killer beats the nightshade outta me. 

THE CASTLE / November 11, 2022 (VOD)

“On their wedding day, Michael and Catherine’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. They walk several miles when they discover an old castle. Against her better judgment, Catherine is convinced by Michael to spend the night. Once she enters the castle, she feels like something is watching her. What she discovers in the castle will change her life forever.”

Castles usually have only three things: bite spiders, stink rats and Dracula. Only one thing is more horrifying: newlyweds. 

Hanging With Elvira, Ghost Cops, Phenomenal Dirt

Two giants in the horror entertainment field — Joe Bob Briggs/The Last Drive-In and Elvira/Mistress of the Dark (oh, wait…make that three giants) are finally appearing together on Joe Bob’s Haunted Halloween Hangout special edition of The Last Drive-In. This happens on Shudder™ TV October 21, 2022/9pm ET. Unable to Shudder™? This will air on-demand October 23, 2022. Not sure, but I think that’s two days later. I’ll call NASA to calibrate my math.

From the press release: “The hit series returns with Briggs, the world’s foremost drive-in movie critic, presenting eclectic horror movie double features, interrupting the films to expound upon their merits, histories, and significance to genre cinema. The season premiere will feature a celebration of The Last Drive-In’s 100th movie since Joe Bob’s first Shudder™ marathon in 2018, with surprise special guests.”

While we congratulate Joe Bob on his 100th movie milestone and Elvira for getting us through puberty, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that may or may not cause you to Shudder™ all over your TV face…

THE FINAL ROSE / Out now (Tubi™)

“Set on a remote island a single mother competes on a reality TV dating show called, Love at Last. When the contestants become targets of a mysterious masked killer, their search for romance turns into a fight for survival.”

So this is what the bottom of the barrel looks like.

MATRIARCH / October 21, 2022 (Hulu™)

“Afflicted with a mysterious disease after surviving an overdose, a woman returns to her childhood home to confront her personal demons but instead discovers a real one.”

That means she figured out where she stashed her stash.

SOMETHING IN THE DIRT / November 4, 2022 (Limited)

“When neighbors John and Levi witness supernatural events in their Los Angeles apartment building, they realize documenting the paranormal could inject some fame and fortune into their wasted lives. An ever-deeper, darker rabbit hole, their friendship frays as they uncover the dangers of the phenomena, the city, and each other.”

We don’t watch horror movies to see bros trying to figure out their “feelings.” We wanna know what’s in the dirt, man. And it better not be dog doo.

R.I.P.D. 2: RISE OF THE DAMNED / November 15, 2022 / (Netflix™/ DVD)

The Wild West has gone to Hell, literally, and the world’s best hope of being saved lies in the gun-slinging hands of Sheriff Roy Pulsipher as he becomes the newest officer for the Rest In Peace Department (R.I.P.D.) enforcing the afterlife’s laws. Roy thought joining the R.I.P.D. would give him a chance to revisit his daughter and solve the mystery of his murder. Instead, he has his holsters full with havoc and hellfire when he’s given a mission to stop a dangerous demon from opening a portal to the underworld. The fate of the living and the dead now depends on Roy and his partner Jeanne, a mysterious swordswoman, as cowboys clash with creatures and undead insanity unleashes apocalyptic chaos.”

R.I.P.D. came out in 2013 and despite having both Deadpool and The Dude in it, the movie was oddly dumb. Not quite stupid, but you know what I’m saying (especially if you watched it.) Cautious hopes for the sequel, which only took nine years to happen. Only. Wonder if any of the movie’s creatures, demons and the undead drink White Russians?

New Werewolves, Old Vampires, Born Again Creeps

Lycanthropy fans can now legally bark at the moon — both the one in space and the one in the back of your pants. The film version of Werewolf By Night, based on Marvel’s 1972 comic book (nothing comic about it, though), premiers October 7, 2022 on Disney+™.

Before we shave the 5 o’clock shadow on this groundbreaking comic series, Disney+™ personally called (sorta) to tell me about the plot: “A secret group of monster hunters gather at Bloodstone Castle following the death of their leader and engage in a mysterious and deadly competition for a powerful relic, which will bring them face to face with a dangerous monster.”

So cool and so overdue. But even in its genesis, Werewolf By Night had a tough leg to chew on. Wikipedia™: “Prior to the formation of the Comics Code Authority in 1954, Marvel’s predecessor Atlas Comics published a five-page short story titled “Werewolf by Night!” in Marvel Tales #116 (July 1953). With the relaxation of the Comics Code Authority’s rules in 1971, it became possible for the first time to publish code-approved comic books with werewolves.”

Werewolf By Night comics were published from 1972 through 1977, 43 original issues in all. (Cool trivia: Issue #3/1975 features the first appearance of the Moon Knight, a new series also on Disney+™.) Yeah, there were a number of one-off specials and cameos in other comics, and they even tried to reboot Werewolf BN in Marvel Comics Presents, where he (Jack Russell, his hairless otherself) appeared irregularly from 1991 to 1993.

More cool trivia: Werewolf By Night stars Laura Donnelly, who plays the kick ass Amalia True in Joss Whedon’s The Nevers (2021), a period piece supernatural fantasy series on HBO Max™. 

So while you’re waiting for the moon — the one in space and the one in the back of your pants — to rise and shine on the premier, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have you yelling at lunar-esque surfaces…

THE MUNSTERS / September 27, 2022 (Netflix)

“A prequel to the original 1964 TV series, the film chronicles the meeting and eventual marriage of Herman and Lily Munster in Transylvania, despite the protestations of her disapproving father.” 

Pat Priest, who played Marilyn Munster in The Munsters (1964) has a cameo. Elvira (secret identity: Casandra Peterson) also appears, but not as Elvira. Hope they don’t have her wearing a button-up shirt.

JEEPERS CREEPERS: REBORN / October 4, 2022 (Out now in Germany, Russia)

“Forced to travel with her boyfriend, Laine begins to experience premonitions associated with the urban myth of The Creeper. She believes that something supernatural has been summoned — and that she is at the center of it all.”

Glad they’re trying to make up for the steaming heap that was Jeepers Creepers 3 (2017). That one was so bad, all the actors lined up to voluntarily offer themselves to the movie’s cannibalistic Creeper.

NEXT EXIT / November 4, 2022 (VOD)

“When a research scientist makes national news proving she can track people into the afterlife, Rose sees a way out and Teddy sees his chance to finally make it. These two strangers, both harboring dark secrets, race to join the doctor’s contentious study and leave this life behind. While Rose is haunted by a ghostly presence that she can’t outrun, Teddy is forced to confront his past. As these two misfits humorously quarrel their way across the country, they meet people along the way who force them to reckon with what is really driving them.”

Next Exit stars Rose McIver and Rahul Kohli, both of whom starred together in the wildly fun/funny iZombie TV series (2015 – 2019). Rose, a fully functioning zombie, ate recipe-enhanced brains (think HelloFresh™ for the undead) in every episode. I don’t think anyone’s eating think loaf in this one, though. Sad.

SUBSPECIES V: BLOOD RISE / Pending 2023/2024

“Spanning 500 years in the life of the vampire, Subspecies V chronicles Radu Vladislas’ descent from a noble warrior for the Church to a depraved creature of the night. Stolen by crusaders on the night of his birth, he has no knowledge of his bloodline: his mother a demon, his father a vampire.

Trained and exploited by a brotherhood of mystic monks to slay all enemies of the church, fate brings him back one night to the castle of his father, armed with the monster-slaying Sword of Laertes, to destroy the vampire Vladislas and reclaim a holy relic: the Bloodstone. The events of that night turn Radu from a noble man into a vampire with no master, setting him on a centuries-long quest for sustenance, for companionship, for the treacherous one who stole him from the sun, and for the Bloodstone he hopes will bring him peace.”

Radu sucks on the Bloodstone as if it were a refillable 7-Eleven™ Hemoglobin Slurpee®. He’s been at this game for a while: Subspecies (1991), Bloodstone: Subspecies 2 (1993), Bloodlust: Subspecies 3 (1994), Vampire Journals (1997), Subspecies 4: Bloodstorm (1998). This means he’s either a real vampire or very good at his job. Thinkin’ both. 

Pre-Teen Vampires, Evil Again, Alternate Worlds

Vampire fans will be thrilled to the jugular that Let The Right One In, the stunning 2008 Hall of Fame vamp classic, is now a series on Showtime™, premiering October 7, 2022. You’ll have to hit up Dracula for his password — or pay subscribe — to watch it. Here’s the series’ premise…

“Mark and his daughter Eleanor’s lives were changed forever 10 years earlier when she was turned into a vampire. Seemingly frozen in time at the age of 12, Eleanor has lived a closed-in life, able to go out only at night, while her father does his best to provide her with the human blood she needs to stay alive. Now they’ve returned home to New York City, desperate to find a cure.”

I’m in, especially after watching the trailer, which teases additional vampires sucking up some action. And looking forward to seeing Demián Bichir as the dad. He was power-mad Apex CEO Walter Simmons in Godzilla vs Kong (2021). Too bad Mecha-Godzilla permanently laid him off. (Oh, crap — that was a spoiler; sorry to anyone reading this who hasn’t seen GvK. On that note, why haven’t you seen GvK? What is wrong with you?)

Until you can figure out how to skate around Let The Right One In series without coughing up a coin purse-squeezing $10.99 a month (with 7-day free trial), here are a few upcoming horror movies that you may or may not let in…

DEVIL’S WORKSHOP / September 20, 2022 VOD

Struggling actor Clayton is desperate for a role as a demonologist. He contacts Eliza, an expert in devil lore, to help him prepare and spends the weekend at her home. Eliza forces Clayton to confront his troubling past, perform dark rituals, and sacrifice a goat. Does she want to help Clayton, seduce him — or destroy him? The shocking climax will set your soul ablaze.”

A couple ’o things: Aren’t all struggling actors desperate and have troubling pasts? Aren’t all chicks experts in devil lore and goat sacrifice? Has any horror movie’s “shocking” climax ever set your soul ablaze? Not seeing a reason to waste valuable horizontal couch time on this one.

AMONG THE LIVING / October 4, 2022 (VOD) November 8, 2022 (Blu-ray)

“Stranded in the countryside in the aftermath of a deadly outbreak, older brother Harry fights to protect his younger sister, Lily, while he desperately searches to find refuge with their father. Harry and Lily are determined to survive their journey as they strive to avoid an infected population with a thirst for blood as well as the greater threat of other survivors.”

Why is it in every zombie movie people embark on a journey with the undead just waiting for the restaurant to open? Why not hole up in the nearest Motel 6™, raid the mini bar and crank the tunes until the Apocalypse is over? And as if it needs to be said a’loud, is this not the same plot as 99% of all zombie movies ever made in the history of the Multiverse?

SATANIC HISPANICS / Release pending 2022/2023

“When police raid a house in El Paso, they find it full of dead Latinos  — and only one survivor. He’s known as The Traveler. When they take him to the station for questioning, he tells them those lands are full of magic and talks about the horrors he’s encountered in his long time on this earth, about portals to other worlds, mythical creatures, demons, and the undead.”

Before you call Satanic Hispanics title blatantly racist, know that this anthology was made by five different Latino filmmakers. Conversely, if this horror omnibus was made by Republicans…

SINPHONY: A CLUBHOUSE HORROR ANTHOLOGY / October 21, 2022 (VOD)

“SINPHONY’s shocking stories include an innkeeper’s growing concern about his secretive new guests; a contractor who inhales mold spores that lead to murder; a couple confronting the fact that one of them is a ghost; a witch protecting her child from a killer; a dance craze that has dire consequences, and much more.”

They had me up until “dance craze with dire consequences.” ALL dance crazes have dire consequences. Case in point — where did all those “Macarena” idiots end up? Stick to the timeless “Chicken Dance” and you’ll be fine.

Bloody Vampires, Bloody Puppets, Bloody Expensive Guitars

With Game of Thrones dominating the non-political headlines, the series final season has people tripping all over themselves to cash in before its relegated to binge-watching re-runs. [Disclaimer: I tried to get into GoT and only made it through the first five episodes. There were so many characters/story lines that clashed with my attention deficit disorder, I’d have needed an abacus to keep track.]

Fender Custom Shop™ is releasing three GoT themed guitars. Even if you don’t play the git-fiddle, these things would make you look awesome just carrying ‘em around, like to the store or while commuting to work on a flying dragon. Here’s the deets:

“As opulent as its namesake — the ambitious house with designs on the Iron Throne — the Sigil Collection Game of Thrones House Lannister Jaguar is an homage to that avaricious clan. This bespoke guitar was painstakingly crafted by Principal Master Builder, Ron Thorn, who called on his extensive experience with materials to work 24k gold leaf into the elegant, sweeping form of the Jaguar. Crafted to order, this guitar could only have come from Westeros — and the Dream Factory, the Fender Custom Shop.”

“Avaricious” is an interesting term to use in a press release. It means “having or showing an extreme greed for wealth or material gain.” Well, heck — it’s like they’re inside my head! Unfortunately, my lack of wealth will keep me from buying one of these guitars, which range in price from $25,000 to $35,000.

If you need something to watch after Game of Thrones concludes, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not have been made for $25,000 to $35,000 smackos…

BLOOD FROM STONE (2019)
“A woman trying to escape the vampire’s grip, and struggles to cope with the vampire curse in a society where old ways refuse to die.”

Why fight it? I’d love to be a vampire. I kinda am already as I suck on long necks. Heh.

THE ROOM (2019)
“Kate and Matt are a young couple in their thirties in search of a more authentic and healthy life. They leave the city to move into an old house in the middle of nowhere. Soon they discover a secret hidden room that has the extraordinary power to materialize anything they wish for. Their new life becomes a true fairytale. They spend days and nights indulging their every desire of material possession, swimming in money and champagne. Yet beneath this apparent state of bliss, something darker lurks: some wishes can have dire consequences. That room could very well turn their dream into a nightmare when it gives them what they’ve been waiting forever and that nature was denying them.”

I liked it better when it was called The Monkey’s Paw.

BLOOD RISE: SUBSPECIES V (February 14, 2020)
Spanning 500 years in the life of the vampire Radu Vladislas, this long-anticipated prequel to the Subspecies series chronicles Radu’s descent from a noble warrior for the Church to a depraved creature of the night. Stolen by crusaders on the night of his birth, he has no knowledge of his bloodline: his mother a demon; father a vampire. Trained and exploited by a brotherhood of mystic monks to slay all enemies of the Church, fate brings him back one night to the castle of his father, armed with the monster-slaying Sword of Laertes, to destroy the vampire Vladislas and reclaim a holy relic: the Bloodstone. The events of that night turn Radu from a noble man into a vampire with no master, setting him on a centuries-long quest for sustenance, for companionship, for the treacherous one who stole him from the sun, and for the Bloodstone he hopes will bring him peace.

Even as uneven as the Subspecies movies (four flicks, 1991 — 1998) have been, it’s nice to see Radu back in action and licking the Bloodstone like it was a bleeding ice cream cone. After all these years, though, he’s looking a bit long in the tooth. Ahem.

BLADE: THE IRON CROSS (February 14, 2020)
“Charles Band’s Puppet Master series continues as an unspeakable evil from Blade’s past emerges in the form of a murderous Nazi scientist named Dr. Hauser. As Hauser’s heinous crimes are discovered, the psychic war journalist, Elisa Ivanov, awakens Blade, and together the bloody journey of revenge begins. It’s Herr Hauser’s reanimated undead army versus a possessed doll and a beautiful vengeance-seeking clairvoyant.”

This will be the 15th (!) installment in the Puppet Master film series, which began in 1989. That’s one helluva puppet show. For a really fun killer puppet movie, try Trilogy of Terror (1975), featuring the legendary (and toothy) Zuni fetish doll. That thing caused me to bespoil my trousers back in the day. The cleverly named sequel, Trilogy of Terror II, was released in 1996. I chose to not watch it as getting stains out of britches is not as easy as Oxi Clean™ Refreshing Lavender & Lily Liquid Laundry Detergent claims it is.

Carnival Dinosaurs, Uncle Zombie Wants You, Girly Vampires

If you have mounting a dinosaur on your bucket list (okay, that came out wrong), get ready to scratch it off when Universal Studios Hollywood opens the theme-park attraction, Jurassic World — The Ride, summer of 2019. Now you won’t have to travel back in time (another bucket list line item) 145 to 201 million years ago for the experience.

Here’s how they’re gonna justify a high ticket price: “Once aboard specially designed rafts, guests will navigate the lush environs of dense vegetation, traversing new areas besieged with towering dinosaurs meandering just an arm’s length away from visitors. Encounters with such docile creatures as the Stegosaurus and Parasaurolophus will quickly turn awry as predatory Velociraptors and Dilophosaurus begin to wreak havoc, turning guests from spectators to prey. When the Tyrannosaurus rex begins to battle one of the attraction’s new behemoth dinosaurs, the rafts will spill down a treacherous 84-foot waterfall as the sole means of escape.”

While I personally tend to stay away from carnival rides that can kill you (I’m looking in your direction, extra-spin-y Merry-Go-Round), I’ll be content to watch you do it. While you unpack that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as fun as a raft full of screaming people going over an 84-foot waterfall…

THE MAN WITH THE MAGIC BOX (April 4, 2019)
“This Orwellian sci-fi thriller is set in the dystopian future of 2030 Warsaw. A man wakes up without any memory of his previous life. He is assigned an apartment and a job as a janitor in an office building. But when he finds an old radio from the 1950s, it triggers mysterious visions of another past life. As he tries to piece together his past identity with the help of his beautiful but aloft boss, he runs afoul of a totalitarian government willing to do anything to stop him. A beguiling sci-fi love story that is at turns bleak, absurd, unsettling, and oddly affecting.”

A dystopian future that’s a sci-fi love story? I liked it better when it was called A Boy And His Dog (1975).

DEAD TRIGGER (May 3, 2019)
“A mysterious virus has killed billions and turned many others into bloodthirsty zombies. Unable to stop the virus, the government develops a video game Dead Trigger that mirrors the terrifying events that curse the world. The players who kill the most zombies in the game are recruited to combat the zombie horde in real life. Led by Captain Kyle Walker, the elite team travels to Terminal City, the origin of the outbreak, to find a team of scientists who have been working on a possible cure for the virus. The only way to get to them, however, is through a city full of terrifying undead mutants.”

Several observations: 1.) Zombies are not blood thirsty. They don’t even drink. If you need a designated driver, ride with a zombie. 2.) Being good with a gun on a video game does not make you a special ops shooter in real life. You have to be in rap video for those kinds of creds. 3.) A possible cure for the zombie virus is not possible. If there was, then why would we want to watch zombie movies? 4.) This plot is pulled from the cookie sheet of hundreds of similar zombie movies. But that’s kinda obvious.

THE FURIES (2019)
Rebellious high school students Kayla and her best friend Maddie are stalked and abducted by a sinister presence while out bombing their neighborhood with graffiti. Waking up, in the woods, bound and disoriented in a claustrophobic coffin-like apparatus, Kayla’s first thought is of Maddie. Before she has a chance to ruminate on the dreadful fate that may have befallen her friend, Kayla notices a terrifying masked man fast approaching, armed with a razor-sharp ax. As a chase ensues, it soon becomes clear that Kayla and her pursuer are not alone.

The punishment for unlawful graffiti a razor-sharp ax? Sounds too lenient.

CARMILLA (2019)
“Miss Fontaine is a governess to 15-year-old Lara who lives in total isolation in her family home. Struggling to find an outlet for her burgeoning sexuality, Lara is enchanted by the mysterious Carmilla and the pair strike up a passionate relationship. However, with rumors and superstition rife and with the exhortation of the family doctor Carmilla’s presence in their home begins to strike fear into those around her.”

This one is said to be inspired by the 1872 same named novel (or “book”) by Sheridan Le Fanu, and is considered one of the first works of vampire fiction. I didn’t know vampires could read.