Misshapen Godzilla, Exotic Creatures, Sci-Fi Hat

Chibi Godzilla. Doesn’t quite roll off the linguistic tongue. But if you live in Japan, it’s a well known designation. According to Wikipedia™ — the wizard behind the curtain — “Chibi, also known as super deformation, or S.D. is a style of caricature originating in Japan, and common in anime and manga where characters are drawn in an exaggerated way, typically small and chubby with stubby limbs, oversized heads and minimal detail.”

Now you can get Chibi Godzilla and Friends on t-shirts and hoodies at Godzilla.com. And that’s IF you like seeing Godzilla small and chubby with stubby limbs, oversized heads and minimal detail. Personally, I like Godzilla in full beast mode, ripping the heads off King Ghidorah and eating ’em like niku-dango (Japanese meatballs). Regardless, if you want a Chibi Godzilla t-shirt and/or hoodie ($32.00 and $60.00 respectively), click this and be the envy of every kid under 5.

So while we reconsider impulse buying and/or our fashion choices, here are a few out now/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you feeling small and…Chibi…

OMEN / Out now (VOD)

“Following Koffi’s return to his birthplace after he has been ostracized by his family, Omen explores the weight of beliefs on one’s destiny through four characters accused of being witches and sorcerers, all of them intertwined and guiding each other into the phantasmagoria of Africa.”

Had to look up phantasmagoria as I’ve only heard it used as a descriptive in regards to the lovely ladies of Last Call. Merriam-Webster™ defines it thusly: An exhibition of optical effects and illusions; a constantly shifting complex succession of things seen or imagined; a bizarre or fantastic combination, collection, or assemblage Yep, that accurately describes the lovely ladies of Last Call.

FATAL EXPEDITION / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Based on true and ancient rituals of human sacrifice from the 13th century in Borneo, this exotic creature/action film takes us deep into the heart of the jungle as Doctor Sani and his team search for his wife, who disappeared on an expedition to study a mysterious burial totem. Burial poles are known to have been used as instruments of virgin sacrifice in ritual ceremonies. As the doctor’s team makes its way through the jungle looking for answers, each begins having hallucinations and malevolent disturbances and is transported to strange locations. The tension escalates as their deepest fear turns into reality when one of them is taken over by dark forces and the real monster appears.”

A way around being the object of a virgin sacrifice would be to make mattress happen as soon as possible. Problem solved.

WARUGA: KUTUKAN ILLMU HITAM / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A young man inherits his black magic practitioner father’s house.”

Sounds like a turnkey to me. P.S. The title translates as Waruga: The Curse of the Dark Arts. Duh — all Dark Arts are cursed. It says so right in the instructions.

QUADRANT / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

Developed by scientists Harry and Meg, the augmented reality Quadrant helmet allows your mind to transport you into a world where all your phobias and nightmares are real, while also granting you the strength to defeat them, liberating you from their control forever. However, the Quadrant experiment is about to go horribly wrong. When Erin, a young woman who’s obsessed with Jack the Ripper uses the device to become the Ripper, she unleashes a reign of terror, first in her mind in an AI version of old London created by the Quadrant, and then in reality, where she now stalks the contemporary city streets, seeking out victims for her blade. The only way to stop this savage new Ripper is for an even more vicious killer to enter the artificial Quadrant-verse and bring her down. What ensues is a brutal, bloody battle, with a murderer against a murderer, both in this world and the surreal, dangerous, synthetic world of Quadrant.”

I liked this better when it was called Dreamscape (1984).

Groovy Vampire, Goodwill Evil, Plush Shark

In 1972, the deliciously cheesy vampire classic Blacula was released to mixed reviews, but went on to become one of the top-grossing movies of that year, and was followed by Scream Blacula Scream in 1973. Mind you, top-grossing in those days meant it made enough to cover the film’s budget without ending up in gas station discount VHS bins. (That’s where I bought my copy.) In the genre-busting movie, African prince Mamuwalde was turned into a vampire in 1780 and locked in a coffin by that mean Count Dracula fellow. This is because Drac refused to help Mamuwalde help suppress the slave trade. Meet the old boss, same as the new boss.

But now, over 50 years later, Blacula is backula as the star of his own graphic novel: Blacula: Return of the King. Written by Rodney Barnes and illustrated by Jason Shawn Alexander, the $19.99/128 page book ( releasing January 31, 2023/Zombie Love Studios™) resurrects the soul-sucking vampire and to right a few wrongs. From the press release: “The book is an adaptation and expansion of the classic 1972 blaxploitation film that brings it to the modern day, pushing boundaries with its contemporary setting for the film’s characters.”

“Los Angeles – the City of Angels. Two souls, one is looking for vengeance and one is looking for the truth. They share one thing in common, they are both searching for the legendary vampire Blacula. Tina Thomas is a reporter for the blog Dark Knights, which chronicles all things unnatural, uneasy, and undead. She meets a young man named Kross whose family was forever changed by the vampire. Kross asks Tina to help him kill Blacula. Blacula, too, is on a mission — he’s searching for the one who forever changed his life centuries ago — Count Dracula.”

While you preorder Blacula: Return of the King (Amazon™/Barnes & Noble™) and scour eBay™, the equivalent of a gas station discount VHS bin, to get a copy of the original Blacula ($7.90 — $29.99) here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as stylishly groovy as a black vampire… 

SHE CAME FROM THE WOODS / February 10, 2023 (Limited/VOD)

“A group of counselors accidentally unleash an ancient evil spirit on the last night of a summer camp. As the situation turns bloody, the group is forced to confront what stories are worth telling and what secrets are worth keeping.”

Forget the woods…Always shop for ancient evil at Goodwill™ — great selection.

THE WELDER / February 24, 2023 (VOD)

“A Latina woman emotionally is scarred by her military service. Hoping to alleviate her stress, she embarks on a ranch vacation with her African American boyfriend. However, the couple’s relaxing weekend spirals into a nightmare of depravity and violence when they run afoul of a mad doctor bent on conducting macabre racial experiments.”

“Alleviating stress” and “mad doctor.” Sounds like a visit to my primary care physician. Which reminds me, I need to schedule an appointment. I haven’t been experimented on in a while.

DOLL SHARK / April 11, 2023 (DVD – SRS Cinema) 

“‘Sea Shark Swim’, the red hot online music video, is all the rage in children’s entertainment, setting records across social media and top streaming platforms. One of its biggest fans, a young boy named Kirby, receives a special gift from his dad, the famed shark hunter, Brock Banner – the doll from the show! However, Brock, thinking it would be a lucky charm, has hidden a tooth inside the toy from a shark he caught and killed. Soon the doll becomes possessed by the spirit of the evil sea beast! As the child spends a weekend with a nasty babysitter, the doll comes to life, feasting on bodies and wreaking havoc on the unsuspecting household.”

A stuffed shark stuffing itself with bodies. How could this possibly suck?

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: HONOR AMONG THIEVES / MARCH 31, 2023 (Theaters)

“A charming thief and a band of unlikely adventurers embark on an epic quest to retrieve a lost relic, but things go dangerously awry when they run afoul of the wrong people.”

A live action film of the popular board game first introduced in 1974. Never played it. I’m more of a 1975 kinda guy. 

Enlarged Crocogator

There’s several things should know about 1979’s Italian-made The Great Alligator. First is that the alligator, while not quite great, is actually a crocodile. Secondly, the movie has been released by many nom de plumes, like Il fiume del grande caimano, Alligators, Caiman, Big Alligator River and The Big Caimano River. And third, the great CROCODILE has more body count credits to its resume than just about any other oversized marauding reptile this side of Godzilla. 

So stop me if you’ve heard this before: a rich entrepreneur is opening a tourist resort on a river-fed African lagoon. The subsequent tourists p*ss off the neighboring low-tech Kuma tribe that dresses up in leaves and backward, bamboo alligator head masks, and worships the island’s big boy croc that makes them consistently stain their leaves. A nighttime booze cruise with the tourists on Tarzan’s Raft (not making that up) and a relentless attack by “The Great God Kruna,” aka the title character. This “all you can eat buffet” has a quickly escalating scorecard: Croc: 46, tourists: zero.

A photo journalist and a supermodel (later kidnapped and tied to a bamboo barge as a sacrifice to Kruna) try to warn everyone, etc. No one listens until they become Cheese-Nips™ for the crocodile. (When he bites you underwater, you can hear the crunching sounds. That’s oddly satisfying.)

A missionary, who years earlier came to the island to force his religious beliefs on those godless natives, lives in a cave, fearful of leaving should he end up meeting their god instead. Beyond that, the ensuing  tourist slaughter rodeo is impressive if the plot is not: the tribe attacks the surviving tourists jumping off the flaming Tarzan Raft booze cruise and as yet not taken out of the win column by the crocodile. Bodies are shot with flaming arrows and spears, hung, stabbed, and pretty much made unable to get a vacation refund.

A bridge collapses. A van turns into a submarine. More regional burning arrows. Some dynamite, a wide open croc yap and a big ka-BOOM later, and it’s gator burgers for tonight’s luau. In all, despite the cheesy effects, The Great Alligator is a laughable, dubbed waste of time.

Spanish Neck-Eater

In the succinctly titled Shiver (2008), a Spanish teen just moved into the hood with his mother in a house so far out in the woods, even bugs won’t go there. He thinks he’s a vampire and even dreams of being caught in the daylight and his skin burning as if dipped in deep-fryer oil. There is no explanation as to why he’s sun-phobic, other than to set him up as a bully target at school. Can’t blame them — the kid has wimp written all over him.

Soon, local animals, a shepherd, and even a schoolmate all turn up deader than the town’s nightlife, with throats torn into Shredded Wheat™, but with more stringy tendons than you get in a large box. Everybody (me included) thinks Santi (the emo “vampire” kid) is responsible. He’s not — but he might know who did.

There’s a creature in the woods that zooms around ripping throats apart. Sasquatch? Nope. A bear with a taste for huckleberries and human flesh? Not quite. Extraterrestrials looking for new orifices to “examine”? Not this time. A vampire? Ha — you are SO wrong. A little girl who, after getting lost in the woods while in Africa, raises herself and eventually gets brought back to Spain. You’re getting warmer.

Later the girl witnesses her parents being violently killed, which drove her mad. So she’s dumped into an orphanage, where she kills and maims the Sisters at the Nun School For The Ferally-Challenged. Back to the woods with you, ya mangy pup.

In an effort to clear his name of the murders and solve the mystery, Santi, a school buddy and the police detective’s daughter (who is hot for Santi, probably because he has a Hot Topic™ vibe) enter the woods to find this eater of necks.

While there, they trip over a village secret that threatens to tear the whole town into remorseful serving portions. The feral girl does her bit on the man who killed her parents. Santi discovers he’s not a vampire, but hates the sun all the same. His mom is visibly relieved and a little blood gets spilled. Scary? Nope. Suspenseful. Nope. Broadway-caliber acting. Yes. I mean, no. Worth renting? Only if you’re an emo wannabe vampire with crybaby tendencies when exposed to the sun.

Hellish Rock Stars, Gun Ghosts, Sequel Sharks

Clicked across this one while surfing for YET ANOTHER  black t-shirt to buy. Guitarist Acey Slade has created his own comic book series, Guitar Teacher From Hell ($4.99 for the printed comic/$1.99 for a digital download, which can be exchanged for money by clicking HERE). It’s so cool, I have to have it because I don’t know why.

From the press release: “Learning to play guitar is tough for everyone, but for 15-year-old Cory Conners it’s going to be Hell. Follow the torment as Cory learns how to play through legendary rock star guests hosted by Acey Slade who has teamed up with independent cartoonist Steven Reardon Jr. to create Guitar Teacher From Hell, a comic book series that plays on Faustian mythology portrayed in a dark comedy fantasy about the obsession young people have towards learning how to play the guitar.”

Should probably get this now as I’ve been playing guitar for a number of years, though my neighbors think I only know how to play Iron Maiden, KISS and Black Sabbath. (Not all their songs, just one from each.)

Acey’s resume is a chart-topper: “Slade’s resume includes Rock & Roll Hall of Fame-inducted Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. In addition he has worked  with Misfits, Murderdolls and Dope. As a writer and producer, he has worked along side Earl Cohen (Lady Gaga/Jessica Simpson), Tom Camuso (Lenny Kravitz/DJ Logic/Ect). A New York-based musician with homes in Los Angeles and Taipei, Acey Slade has also been DJing and producing rock, hard rock, punk and pop for bands around the globe. He has engaged audiences with guitar clinics worldwide trekking from Moscow to Dallas. Other associated acts include: Trashlight Vision, Billy Liar, Amen, Rachel Lorin and Vampire Love Dolls.”

AND he has tattoos. I do, too, but mine come off in the shower. While I learn how to keep that from happening, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not permanently imprint themselves on your mind…

BLOOD HARVEST (November 21, 2017)
“A rural village is terrorized by an evil force that drains the blood from its victims. A discredited police detective, who believes the killings are the work of vampires, must team up with his former partner to uncover the truth.”

Vampires or discount doctors. Either or, the plot seems stock and played. What if the vampires were doctors? I would love to call my health insurance and go, “Yeah, I need to schedule a DAYTIME appointment with Dr. Vampire…” In addition to questionable medial practices/advice, it’d be cool if he/she could sell t-shirts in the waiting room with the kicker line: “Lose Blood Now — Ask Me How.”

DAWNING OF THE DEAD (December 5, 2017/VOD)
“While a virus that causes the dead to reanimate brings the world to its knees, the scientist responsible entrusts his cataclysmic findings to Katya Nevin, a troubled ex-war correspondent turned anchor-woman at W.W News. While she and the rest of her crew witness the collapse of society via video feeds from around the globe, a deadly special agent climbs the building floor by floor, his only goal to ensure her silence. Armed only with information and an indomitable will to live, Katya must overcome her crippling anxiety and learn to lead in order to make it out of the studio and into a terrifying new world where only the dead survive.”

There isn’t one thing original about this movie, which has been my major point of contention with the unending regurgitation of zombie movies. Wanna do something cool with zombies for a change? Start with set-in-Africa The Dead (2010) and/or South Korea’s Train To Busan (2016) and we’ll discuss.

WINCHESTER: THE HOUSE THAT GHOSTS BUILT (February 2, 2018)
“Inspired by true events. On an isolated stretch of land 50 miles outside of San Francisco sits the most haunted house in the world. Built by Sarah Winchester, heiress to the Winchester fortune, it is a house that knows no end. Constructed in an incessant twenty-four hour a day, seven day a week mania for decades, it stands seven stories tall and contains hundreds of rooms. To the outsider it looks like a monstrous monument to a disturbed woman’s madness. But Sarah is not building for herself, for her niece or for the brilliant Dr. Eric Price whom she has summoned to the house. She is building a prison, an asylum for hundreds of vengeful ghosts, and the most terrifying among them have a score to settle with the Winchesters.”

Great kicker line: “Terror is Building.” This house and its history actually exists. I wrote about it exactly one year to the day. Didn’t plan it that way, but I should be somehow rewarded, either with bit coins and/or candy. Can’t wait for this movie, even though its been done — poorly — a while back (i.e., Haunting of Winchester House/2009). Let’s hope they don’t suck the life out of this  ghost story. (Okay, that was funny.)

DEEP BLUE SEA 2 (2017/2018)
“Dr. Klaus Van Etten experiments on bull sharks, much to the chagrin of Misty and her team of marine experts. The sharks get out and all hell breaks loose.”

That’s pretty much the same plot as Deep Blue Sea (1999), except Dr. Susan McAlester experimented on great white sharks that became mega aggressive/hungry and ate humans like they were peanut butter and jellyfish sandwiches.

Finger Wicks, Knights Templar, Ego Horror

Always look forward to the new decorations they put on sale a Planet Halloween™ this time each year. While I’m a big fan of the classic (Whoopee Cushion™, Fart In A Can™, Electric Handshake Buzzer (you can use it on just about any body part), the new one I should buy with every bitcoin I can scrape up is the Halloween Wax Bleeding Hand Candle. Right out of the gate it reminds me of the hand in 1972’s made for TV horror, When Michael Calls. (The scene with Michael’s ghostly, manifested hand in a fishbowl that still makes my cushion go whoopee! every time)

Yeah, there’s been lots of bleeding hand candles before, but this one is the most realistic, especially if your name is Michael. And you can get one of this babies at CreepyCandles.net for a mere wallet-melting $35.00 bones ( no pun intended.) While you’re working your fingers to the bone (sorry) to come up with the appropriate digits (sorry), here are a few just released horror and sci-fi moves that may or may not set off your Whoopee! Cushion…

JACK HUNTER’S PARANOIA TAPES (available now)
“Jack Hunter presents a found footage movie that will surely put you on the edge of your seats and will send a chill down the bottom of your spine.”

Just when you thought a movie title and press release couldn’t get any more lazy/cliched. It’s one thing to present yourself as a filmmaker and put your own name in the title when all you’re doing is a found footage fare (no skill required). That’s like saying just because you tried out for American Idol™, that makes you a singer. Secondly, who the canned spray fart says “sends a chill down to the bottom of your spine” anymore? That is so hack, even my proctologist doesn’t use that phrase — and that procedure is so g’dam horrifying, it sends a chill down to my very bottom.

STAG NIGHT (available now)
“A satanic Knights Templar crosses paths with Brian and his paintball-loving friends in this supernatural horror tale. Five years after the squad broke up, Brian’s old buddies get back together for a reunion. When they visit a forest paintball park though, the reunited friends find a sinister force of evil awaiting the group.”

Great — they besmirch the legend of the terrifying Knights Templar by putting ‘em in a paintball park. What’s next — a Knights Templar Tupperware Party? These guys are known for revenge eating your soul. Now they’re just a punchline in YET ANOTHER dumbass teen “horror” movie. Kinda makes you wanna sell your gang-emblem tunic and go back to being a door-to-door sword salesman.

MAD COW (2017)
“A crazed scientist creates a half-man, half-cow creature, which goes on the rampage at an African game lodge.”

Um, has any of these filmmakers ever heard of the Greek mythological creature, the Minotaur (half-man/half-bull) or more notably, The Island of Dr. Moreau? Moreau has been turning jungle animals into human hybrids since 1913. Which begs the question — if you try and milk the half-man/half cow, are you just looking for cereal milk, or are you a fetish freak trying to pleasure said creature for your sick and twisted desires? The correct answer is to just walk away.

HAUNTED CHANGI (available now)
“Old Changi Hospital is one of the most notoriously haunted places in the world. A group of filmmakers explore the famously haunted old Changi Hospital in Singapore with terrifying and tragic results.”

A foreign version of about, oh, 10 dozen American horror movies with the EXACT SAME PLOT. I did, however, look up Changi Hospital and it’s a real abandoned mental hospital. Apparently, Singapore has a pile of those laying around as well. My hard detective work (drinking a beer, clicking around the Internet) reveals that Changi’s buildings are said to be haunted by the souls of the victims of the Japanese Occupation, homeless ghosts and the spirits of those who died in the hospital. Is it just me or don’t we go to hospitals to not die? No wonder the place went out of business; no one left to pay the bill.

California Kong

Mighty Joe Young (1998) is a somewhat believable-sized version of King Kong (1933). King Kong is a great name. Who the heck names their pet gorilla “Joe”? Why not Lord Awesome or Kool Mo’Key? You animal lovers need to get a clue.

Joe Young, who I hear is mighty, is a 15-foot gorilla in love with hottie Charlize Theron. She thinks Joe’s her best friend. He keeps wondering in thought monkey-speak if she’ll split like a hot pineapple should they decide to “consummate” their best friendness.

Poachers want to kill Joe for his abundant value. An Eco-concerned animal lover wants Joe to be moved from his crib in Africa to a licensed animal sanctuary in Los Angeles (I thought L.A. was an animal sanctuary). Joe goes because hey, he’s in love. But not before a big chase scene with guns aimed at this “how can you miss?” target.

While in California, an amusement park Ferris Wheel catches on fire and there’s a screaming kid stuck at the top. Time to burn fur. Joe rescues the brat and is the hero, hooray, throw a parade.

This is a re-telling of 1949’s Mighty Joe Young, but not sure what the fuss is. A big dumb ape being led around by the nose by a hot blonde? Walk into any bar and you’ll see at least 10 of ’em.

Evil Reunion

Exorcist: The Beginning (2004) is the backstory about Father Merrin, the priest who drove the Hell out of Linda Blair in The Exorcist (1973).

Turns out Merrin is an old buddy of the demon Pazuzu, whom he first encountered in East Africa and then again in Holland during WWII. Even Pazuzu’s stink breath was no match for the war atrocities Merrin witnessed. So the priest/archaeologist heads to Egypt where he thinks he’ll knock back a few cold ones, pet a camel or two, hang out and leave a pyramid in every bathroom.

But the call comes in to return to Africa, this time to scope out an ancient church that was just discovered buried under dirt. (People in that part of the world know nothing about vacuum cleaners. Heathens, I tell you.)

Merrin arrives in Kenya and upon entering the Centuries-old church, notices the place is in pretty good shape despite being buried under elephant crap that long. What the hoohaw, thinks Merrin; this can’t be a church as it was built several millennia before Christianity plagued the world.

But I didn’t come here for a history lesson. I’m here to see evil stuff, which includes babies being born with maggots on ’em, a little boy being torn apart and eaten alive by wild hyenas, another little boy’s head turning all the way around without that snap, crackle and pop sound…

All this leads up to Merrin having a reunion with his ’ol BFF Pazuzu, who looks like a white-faced, stupid Goth wussy. While the demon stuff is icky, it serves no purpose other than to gross you out. I’m OK with gross out, though there’s no impending sense of religious dread causing an immediate need to wash your naughty parts in holy water.

If Pazuzu wants to get back to being truly evil, he needs to quit listening to weenie-ass Goth and start banging his horned head to some righteous heavy metal. And to quit making prequels/pointless sequels.

Blood Monkeys Out For Blood

Six anthropology graduate students go to Africa to assist the esteemed Professor Hamilton as he documents crotch-swelling exciting flora and fauna.

Unknown to the students who bring their cell phones – even though they’re going into uncharted jungles – is that Hamilton has discovered an undocumented primate species that’s super-intelligent, super aggressive and super mad at anything human. He wants to be the first to catalog these killer apes and needs the students as bait seeing how his other assistants have been eaten alive by the gore-rillas. (I invented that name – no one better take it.)

The best scene comes when everyone settles into their tents and it starts raining. But it isn’t water – it’s monkey pee! A whole bunch of apes are in the trees, pissing on the tents. Damn, that was funny. Gives a whole new definition to acid rain, it does.

It’s right here Blood Monkey (2007) slips on a banana. Trapped in a cave, the last two students have wandered into the gorilla’s condo, and we finally we get to see the monster monkey – for exactly two seconds, then right into the credits. Adding to the insult, the monster monkey looks like the title character from Donkey Kong. I’m so mad, if there was a tent around, I’d totally go number one on it.