Archive for Shredded Wheat

Spanish Neck-Eater

Posted in Foreign Horror, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shiver

In the succinctly titled Shiver (2008), a Spanish teen just moved into the hood with his mother in a house so far out in the woods, even bugs won’t go there. He thinks he’s a vampire and even dreams of being caught in the daylight and his skin burning as if dipped in deep-fryer oil. There is no explanation as to why he’s sun-phobic, other than to set him up as a bully target at school. Can’t blame them — the kid has wimp written all over him.

Shiver

Soon, local animals, a shepherd, and even a schoolmate all turn up deader than the town’s nightlife, with throats torn into Shredded Wheat™, but with more stringy tendons than you get in a large box. Everybody (me included) thinks Santi (the emovampire” kid) is responsible. He’s not — but he might know who did.

Shiver

There’s a creature in the woods that zooms around ripping throats apart. Sasquatch? Nope. A bear with a taste for huckleberries and human flesh? Not quite. Extraterrestrials looking for new orifices to “examine”? Not this time. A vampire? Ha — you are SO wrong. A little girl who, after getting lost in the woods while in Africa, raises herself and eventually gets brought back to Spain. You’re getting warmer.

Shiver

Later the girl witnesses her parents being violently killed, which drove her mad. So she’s dumped into an orphanage, where she kills and maims the Sisters at the Nun School For The Ferally-Challenged. Back to the woods with you, ya mangy pup.

Shiver

In an effort to clear his name of the murders and solve the mystery, Santi, a school buddy and the police detective’s daughter (who is hot for Santi, probably because he has a Hot Topic™ vibe) enter the woods to find this eater of necks.

Shiver

While there, they trip over a village secret that threatens to tear the whole town into remorseful serving portions. The feral girl does her bit on the man who killed her parents. Santi discovers he’s not a vampire, but hates the sun all the same. His mom is visibly relieved and a little blood gets spilled. Scary? Nope. Suspenseful. Nope. Broadway-caliber acting. Yes. I mean, no. Worth renting? Only if you’re an emo wannabe vampire with crybaby tendencies when exposed to the sun.

Tropical Teenage Mutants

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive

The mutant claw babies from It’s Alive (1974) and It’s Alive 2: It Lives Again (1978) go on spring break to a tropical island paradise and have many madcap adventures, like the time mutant claw baby #2 gets drunk on tequila shooters, throws up on a palm tree and passes out. His buddies duct-tape him to a Ski-Doo™ and give the keys to a mischievous monkey. Um, sorry – I was paraphrasing from a script I wrote for the first It’s Alive sequel.

It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive

It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive (1987) begins eight years after the first “incident” (people ripped into Shredded Wheat™) with a court trial arguing to let the mutant claw babies (now mutant pre-teens) the right to not be shot in the face, and live on an island away from society and its “rules.” The judge agrees. Yes! The system works if you let it.

It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive

But that hard-core baby-hater Lieutenant Perkins (from the first movie) wants the mutants eliminated and goes to the island under the false pretext of helping one of the dads find his claw son. His real plan: to shoot them all in the face. What Perkins doesn’t know is the mutant claw babies know the island like the back of their, uh, claw, and turn the paradise retreat into an…ISLAND OF BLOOD.

It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive

Even with various face-ripping, gut-ripping and shirt-ripping, III is not nearly as good as the first two It’s Alive movies. Nevertheless, I’m somewhat impatiently waiting for It’s Alive IV: The Claw Is Family. In outer space. Hey, everyone likes outer space, so it could be BIG box office.