Archive for virus

Pools of Horror, Zombie Submarines, Misshapen Monsters

Posted in Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 31, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

12 Feet Deep

Just watched Unacknowledged (2017), that amazing documentary on the disclosure cover-up of UFOS and the technology they bring to the conspiracy dinner table. Did you know the government has known about UFOs since the late ’40s and that they won’t publicly admit it? if I was an alien, I’d be hot around the lunar collar that I went to all that trouble to come here, just to be associated with that whole “fake news” hoopla. So much for cordial relations with our space brothers.

Speaking of hoopla, here are a few new horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be fake…

12 FEET DEEP (June 20, 2017/VOD)
“Sisters Bree and Jonna get trapped beneath the fiberglass cover of an Olympic sized public pool after it closes for the holiday weekend. They find themselves at the mercy of the night janitor, Clara, who sees the trapped sisters as an opportunity to solve a few problems of her own.”

This one was originally titled The Deep End. I think a porn movie already locked up that one. The plot is just a reworking of 2010’s Frozen, wherein two guys and a gal get stuck halfway up the mountain on a ski lift that just closed for the weekend. Which begs the question — would you rather freeze to death or be trapped in a public pool that also serves as a all-inclusive toilet for the less discreet among us? Think I’d take my chances on becoming a human popsicle.

Dark Beacon

DARK BEACON (2017)
Amy Wilcock loves the married Beth Gadbsy with a fierce and tragic passion. When Beth’s distraught husband Christian dies in an emotional intervention, the now widow disappears with her daughter Maya into secret seclusion. Amy eventually tracks Beth down to a distant lighthouse only to find her broken and maddened in the midst of an alcoholic abyss. But that is not all she finds. They shockingly discover that the spirit of Beth’s spurned husband will not rest until he takes the surviving trio with him. Can Amy save them all from the spiral of madness and the crazed and hell-bent supernatural threat?”

First thought — waaaay too much plot getting in the way of a simple ghost story. For a really fun/funny (it was meant to be serious, but I didn’t interpret it as such) back-from-the-dead lighthouse/beach movie, give 1960s’ Tormented a spin. In that one a jazz musician “accidentally” kills his side trim (jazz term for “groupie”) by “letting” her fall from a lighthouse. She, of course, comes back from the dead, headless and yelling her head off, “Tom Howard killed me!” Those could be good lyrics for a snappy dance number if Tom would just roll with it.

Operation Ragnarok

OPERATION RAGNAROK (2017)
“In a town in southern Sweden, tensions between the locals and immigrants grow. Meanwhile, a submarine carrying a strange plague enters the town. The crew infects police officers out to investigate and a full-blooded outbreak begins. The town is isolated by the Swedish army, but the survivors inside, immigrants and locals alike, must band together against the infected.”

This one was originally titled Zon 261. I don’t know what a Zon is. As for the plague aboard the submarine, you sure it just isn’t a case of jock itch gone wild shared by guys stuck underwater for weeks on end with no windows to air out the place?

The Blob

THE BLOB (2018)
“When a band of miners uncover something hidden deep beneath the earth they unwittingly unleash a hideous creature beyond imagination. Now the townsfolk must fightback, before it destroys everything.”

A remake of a remake of a sequel of a cool 1958 horror movie starring a young Steve McQueen. Really glad back then they made the blob a reddish brown (and growing more red as it consumes screaming citizens). If I saw a big brown blob headed down the street, I’d totally cover my nose and reach for a case of Febreze™ because it could be that King Kong just dropped one heckuva steamer.

Zombie Finger Exchange Rate

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 7, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Quick and the Undead

In The Quick and the Undead (2006) — an Old Western/Modern Zombie mash-up that spins the tile of 1995’s The Quick and the Dead — YET ANOTHER viral outbreak results in 75% of the world’s population being recycled into skin-snacking zombies. Bounty hunters roam the land collecting zombie fingers as a means to pay the rent. How these things are considered a medium of exchange is beyond my financial grasp.

The Quick and the Undead

The bounty hunters look like they came from the Old West, with one guy doing a pretty decent Clint Eastwood impression. Everyone is wearing leather chaps, old time cowboy hats and packing six-shooters. Only thing missing is a zombie stagecoach and/or saloon with swinging wooden doors.

The Qucik and the Undead

He lures the undead with fresh human meat and picks ’em off as though shooting at carnival ducks. But another bounty hunter and his gang of three is upset because their hunting territory has been infringed upon. So they shoot him, cut off his finger (hey, it counts) and take his hat and cool leather cowboy coat. But the guy isn’t quite dead despite being shot in the gut area and having been bitten by a zombie.The Quick and the Undead

It’s not explained, but he developed a resistance to the viral infection. Harder, though, to build up resistance to bullets. So he tracks his “killers” down to shoot them and reclaim his money fingers.

Along the way hordes of zombies follow the kitchen-fresh scent of the living, with both situations converging for a classic old style showdown. One unlucky meal/human, gets chewed into while still alive, and before he expires, utters “choke on it,” an homage to the same line in 1985’s Day of the Dead. Thank you for remembering.

The Quick and the Undead

P.S. Even though she took the title, author Kimberly Raye’s meh-selling book The Quick and the Undead (2014) has cowboys, but no zombies. Instead, she frames vampires as the protagonists.

Cowboys & Vampires

P.P.S. Kimberly meh or meh not have gotten the “idea” from 2010’s Cowboys & Vampires (aka, Dead West).

P.P.P.S. Just to be safe, do NOT let Kimberly sit behind you in class.

Bloody Hell, Sci-Fi Teens, Reverse Werewolves

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 1, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bloody Muscle Body Builder In Hell

Here’s a neat trick — when celery stalks go limp, soak ’em in water and a short time later, stiff as if you doped ‘em up with Viagra™ and just as store-bought crunchy. Better still, soak ‘em in vodka. Get drunk and healthy at the same time. Works on carrots, too! I have no doubt that’s an original idea, I’m I’m gonna patent it. So please don’t viral my pension plan.

Speaking soaking yourself in healthy alcohol, you might need some of the good stuff to get through these just released and/or upcoming horror/sci-fi movies…

BLOODY MUSCLE BODY BUILDER IN HELL (available now/UK)
“After a surprise phone call interrupts his daily workout, beefy body builder Naoto agrees to meet his photojournalist ex-girlfriend to help with her research on haunted houses. Accompanied by a professional psychic, they visit an abandoned house once owned by Naoto’s father. But inside the house a dark secret lingers and they find themselves trapped and tormented by a relentless ghost with a 30 year grudge. Bloody Muscle Body Builder invites fans of bizarro, lo-fi cinema on a far out journey…into Hell.”

While I do like the title (I’d buy the shirt), this is also aka’d as The Japanese Evil Dead. Gotta say, I dig that, too, if not as well. This came out in 2014 (in Japan) and was described as a “cross between the 1977 Japanese horror classic Hausu (House) and The Evil Dead (1981).” Kore ijō iwanai — I’m in.

So can you see it in your own hausu? Yep — just order it from AmazonUK™ [click HERE]. It’ll set you back £7.99 (free delivery in London Land if you have Amazon Prime™). This converts into $10.35 U.S. fun coupons. To have it shipped here, though, is a bit pricey as there are import fees, triple stamps with Monarch faces on ’em, probably weird packaging and extra sticky tape, etc. So figure about $400 total just to be on the safe side.

Resident Evil: Vendetta

RESIDENT EVIL: VENDETTA (June 19, 2017)
“BSAA Chris Redfield enlists the help of government agent Leon S. Kennedy and Professor Rebecca Chambers from Alexander Institute of Biotechnology to stop a death merchant with a vengeance from spreading a deadly virus in New York.”

What the stink is going on here? Did we not just have Resident Evil: The Final Chapter in 2016? (There are six RE movies in all, dating back to 2002.) As it turns out, Resident Evil: Vendetta is an animated movie, or “CG,” which obviously stands for “cartoon gunk.” Apparently, this is the third such RE animated movie. I care not for this medium. For one thing the blood looks too “illustrated.” And don’t get me started on computer-designed entrails. If you want me to watch a movie length cartoon, make It’s The Great Pumpkinhead, Charlie Brown.

Number 13

NUMBER 13 (2017)
Northern Canada, the dead of winter, and some scientists studying a wolf pack dynamics try to anesthetize and tag a wolf. The wolf awakes prematurely and attacks, but the trapped scientist bites first. This bitten wolf is infected with a disease called ‘humanity’. As the moonlight rises, this wolf is changing. When wolves chase a naked and bloody man into their camp, the scientists are shocked. This stranger can’t talk, is lost and is freezing, but from where? The first taste of danger enters the camp when the pack of wolves reappears, now fearless. Before this full moon sets, the humans will learn both the true nature of the stranger and of their own “pack dynamics”. More importantly, they will learn the true difference between wolves and humanity — the ability to lie.”

Lousy name for a reverse werewolf movie. There were Number 13’s in 2006, 2008, 2013 (looks like a sci-fi video game with “real people”), and an Alfred Hitchcock movie that was shot way the heck back before time in 1922 and never released. None of those featured reverse werewolves. (Maybe as stage hands, but certainly not actors.) So man bites dog. In the newspaper game, that’s called a lead story. Definitely an interesting premise whether you read newspapers or not. I do for the horoscopes and the funny pages. Not necessarily in that order.

Maze Runner: The Death Cure

MAZE RUNNER: THE DEATH CURE (2018)
“In the conclusion to the Maze Runner trilogy, Thomas and the surviving Gladers prepare to face off against WCKD one last time as they fight to find a cure for the deadly disease known as The Flare that has wiped out most of the world. Friendships and loyalties will be tested and the fight against WCKD will also determine who will survive in the end.”

This one’s already done and in the grocery line waiting to be checked out. Got postponed several times over reasons I don’t give an exasperated hoot about. Saw the first Maze Runner (2014), a sci-fi teen movie based on a book of all things. Did not see the sequel Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials (2015) as it had more teenagers in it. Might have to see MR: Death Cure as The Flare disease turns people, I mean teens, into sci-fi zombies. Bye-bye future teens.

More Sharks, A Few Killers, A Bunch of Superheroes

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 28, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

47 Meters Down

Been watching a lot of trailers for the spring/summer movie season. The two I really spazz out over are the ones for Justice League and Wonder Woman. (By the way, you can buy Wonder Woman stamps at the post office. I often go there to see if my picture has yet to be added to the wall.)

The one that isn’t doing a thing for me is the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. It looks like a half-assed version of the first movie, which came out in 2014. Getting a chuckle, though from the new Thor: Ragnarok trailer. Big T faces down the Hulk in some sort of forced battle arena (i.e., Christians vs. The Lions pay-per-view, 80 A.D.)

Speaking of chuckling, here’s some upcoming horror movies that by definition should make you laugh, since there hasn’t been a really scary movie since The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966). And no, The Blair Witch Project (1999) wasn’t remotely scary. Don’t believe the hype.

47 METERS DOWN (June 6, 2017)
“On the rebound after a devastating break-up, Lisa is ready for adventure while on vacation in Mexico. Even still, she needs a little extra persuasion when her daring sister suggests they go shark diving with some locals. Once underwater in a protective cage, Lisa and Kate catch a once in a lifetime, face-to-face look at majestic Great Whites. But when their worst fears are realized and the cage breaks away from their boat, they find themselves plummeting to the bottom of the seabed, too deep to radio for help without making themselves vulnerable to the savage sharks, their oxygen supplies rapidly dwindling.”

Yes, you’re, like, double correct; I previewed this on June 30, 2016. I had just combed my hair in a stylish fashion. But that was when they title the movie In The Deep, which sucks clam juice. They changed it to that from 47 Meters Down. Now they changed it back. Geez, pick a lane, Lois. And they changed the key art AGAIN, but this time it’s better than the Art Institute™ version it was before. It’s also a year late in getting in front of my attentive eyeballs. Better get here soon; I’m getting the urge to comb my hair again.

Polaroid

POLAROID (August 25, 2017)
“High school loner Bird Fitcher has no idea what dark secrets are tied to the Polaroid™ vintage camera she stumbles upon, but it doesn’t take long to discover that those who have their picture taken meet a tragic end.”

This one echoes Stephen King’s 1990 novella “The Sun Dog” from his Four Past Midnight collection.  If you haven’t read it, you probably should. Haunted Polaroid™ in that one as well. And it’s okay to move your lips whilst reading it. I do it all the time, even when I’m typing. Feels like I’m having a friendly conversation with my self. As for the camera that kills, let’s give it to all those selfie-prone people. On that subject — stop taking pictures of yourself; you’re not as good looking as you think. And quit sucking in your cheeks and pursing your lips — you look like a Grouper fish about to take the bait.

Deep In The Woods

DEEP IN THE WOODS (September 27, 2017)
“Tommi, a 4-year-old child, disappears during an annual Krampus festival. Five years later, a child was found nameless and without documents. DNA matches — he is Tommi. Manuel, the father, can finally embrace his son. The mother, Linda, however, cannot adapt to the new situation. As suspicion digs inside her: what if that child is not really her son?”

It’s probably Tommi, but he’s likely p.o.’d that they didn’t finish spelling his name before sending him out into the woods to gather Krampus snacks. Wonder if he’s possessed by the spirit of the Pine Cone King? Hey, if you believe in Krampus, you’d probably fall for anything.

Downhill

DOWNHILL (October 10, 2016 / UK / 2017 U.S.)
“After his best friend dies in a racing accident, biking star Joe agrees to go back on the wheels for an exhibition in Chile. On a test run with his girlfriend Stephanie, they stumble upon a badly injured man dying from a mysterious virus. That’s the start of a very bad day for them as they become the target of relentless killers ready to do anything to keep their secret from going out of the mountains.”

This one came out in England in October 2016. Looked for it in non-British places, but have yet to find it. So yeah, biking horror. There’s something new-ish. I bet the dying guy was infected with boredom. Or a hickey from the (wait for it)…PINE CONE KING! Now there’s a horror movie worth pursuing.

Swamp Monsters, Disposable Vampires and Boobs

Posted in Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Attacked On Set

Six months of non-stop rain and dreariness. Seattle weather could qualify as its own horror movie. So why do I continue to live here instead of, say, the Atacama Desert in South America, the driest desert in the world? For one thing, I would not want sand beetles as neighbors. Too noisy.

Anyway, here’s some stay-indoor upcoming horror movies to help take your mind off the stupid weather…

ATTACKED ON SET (March 21, 2017)
“When these girls lay down, things stand up. A perfect mixture of comedy, gore and campiness with lots of boobs and blood.”

Despite having one of the worst horror movie titles (and press releases) going, I do look forward to the boobular aspect of said dumbly named flick.

Vampire Cleanup Department

VAMPIRE CLEANUP DEPARTMENT (2017)
Vampires have been haunting Hong Kong for centuries. Because of this, hidden in this city is an official special action unit coping with them — the Vampire Cleanup Department (VCD). The street cleaners out at night are actually vampire hunters, their giant garbage bins containing the captured vampires. The ordinary garbage station is their secret headquarter.”

So to get rid of vampires all you have to do is throw ‘em in the garbage? Seems too easy; do you need to have garlic-flavored garbage bags lining said can? Should you throw your silverware in the trash along with said disposable vampires? That begs the question — are vampires recyclable? Hope so. Wouldn’t be cool to have landfills overflowing with discarded vampires.

Swamp Freak

SWAMP FREAK (2017)
“Six college students go into the wetlands to find their missing professor after he takes off in search of the mythical and deadly monster known as the Swamp Freak.”

Not to be confused with Field Freak (2016), which also features a mythical and deadly creature. Maybe they’re cousins.

Mayhem

MAYHEM (2017)
“A virus infects a corporate law office on the day attorney Derek Saunders is framed by a co-worker and wrongfully fired. The infection is capable of making people act out their wildest impulses. Trapped in the quarantined building, our hero is forced to savagely fight tooth and nail for not only his job but his life.”

Time to leave the corporate world and get a job with the less violent Vampire Cleanup Department.

Lunar Living Dead

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Plaguers

Of course I believe that the six supermodels rescued from the U.S.S. Diane were hijacked by astro-pirates who killed the entire crew except them. Wouldn’t you?

Plaguers

Answering the distress call, the fuel transport ship Pandora picks up the silver platform boot-wearing hotties dressed in clothes picked up for cheap at a Star Trek rummage sale. No sooner than they’re on board before they reveal themselves as being the pirates. Dang them all to heck.

Plaguers

But what the pirates don’t know is that the Pandora is carrying a green glowing marble the size of a soccer ball called “Thanatos” (way dumb), a virus entity, which when cracked, leaks out Simple Green™ and turns whomsoever into flesh-gulping space zombies.

Plaguers

One by one, the crew fall prey to those infected and do nothing but chase everyone around for the rest of the movie. (I swear the zombies knew the camera was on them because one even stops to strike a pose.) While the zombies in Plaguers (2008) look somewhat decent (demon mouths, oil breath, open sores), I dare you not to LOL when two chicks fist fight each other. I haven’t seen that kind of wimpy b*tch slapping since I got into it with a stubborn twist top.

Zombies, Demons and Santa

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

All Through The House

The hardest part about shoveling my way through the Internet (or “world  wide web”) is finding potential brainertainment (fun times for your frontal lobe) and then never actually getting to see it. I chalk that up to Republicans.

Regardless of that particular crushing disappointment, I’ll continue to slip on my digital hip-waders and go fishin’ for your/my/our horror super fun happy times. To that…

ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE (out now)
“Fifteen years ago a peaceful Christmas neighborhood was engulfed by fear when five-year-old Jamie Garrett was mysteriously taken from her bedroom, never to be seen again. Now on Christmas break, Rachel Kimmel comes home from college to find her neighborhood struck again by a reign of terror. A violent killer is hiding behind a grisly Santa mask, leaving a bloody trail of slaughtered women and castrated men on the steps of the Garrett house. Rachel finds herself in a horrifying nightmare as she discovers the twisted secret behind the mask.”

After countless Christmas horror movies, Santa – however evil or f’d up – isn’t scary anymore. I’ll still watch this (man, I just don’t know why), but if you want some seriously f’d up Kris Kringle action, put Krampus (2015), Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010), and Sint (2010) on the ’ol Victrola.

The Monster

THE MONSTER (October 6, 2016 / DirecTV; November 11, 2016 (VOD / Limited)
“Mother and daughter trapped and tormented in a black forest by a screeching creature – it is unlike anything heard before. Not human. Not animal. Like a thousand horses, like a mother’s clamor, a baby’s wail, a father’s howl. Only a mother’s protective love, her most primal instinct, can save her daughter from what’s lurking in the darkness.”

Screeching creature. Sounds like an ex-wife. Or soon-to-be ex-wife.

Day of Reckoning

DAY OF RECKONING (October 8, 2016)
“The story begins fifteen years in the past when the world suffered a horrific global disaster when millions of demon-like creatures ascended from the bowels of the earth, swarming the entire planet, and feasting on mankind for one full day. This event became known as the Day of Reckoning. A less-than-perfect husband and father tries to save his broken family from the return of the demon-creatures in modern day Los Angeles.”

It appears they took the premise of The Purge (2013), replaced the fake monsters with real ones, and are covering this slaughter salad with a tangy gory dressing. Crud – now I’m hungry.

Zombies

ZOMBIES (October 21, 2016)
“A virus leaves the world in shambles and plagued by blood-thirsty zombies. Will Luke and his crew have enough strength and ammunition to stay alive long enough to outlive the undead?”

A virus? Really? They couldn’t come up with something even slightly original, the title notwithstanding? It’s annoying enough ANYONE is making YET ANOTHER zombie movie. But to rely on a plot device so overused it could have come from 99% of every other zombie movie since Night of the Living Dead (1968)? And I thought I was lazy when I throw my slipper at the TV channel to change it.

P.S. I don’t really wear slippers. I meant to say flippers. Hey, they’re suprisingly comfortable. Who knew?