Archive for Jack The Ripper

Pottery Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Limehouse Golem

Based on the 1994 book Dan Leno & the Limehouse Golem by Peter Ackroyd, The Limehouse Golem horror movie (release date pending 2016) is a spin on the Jack The Ripper hot mess. Yeah, the theme is played, but the movie features none other than Professor Severus Snape, aka “Alan Rickman.”

While Professor Snape was able to handle a variety of Harry Potter’s magical indiscretions, how will the former Death Eater come to terms with the Golem who the press claims is responsible for a “series of gruesome murders shaking the community in the dangerous Limehouse district of London in 1880”? Wand to the ready – Expecto Patronum, b*tch!

As the press release goes, with no genuine leads, the police put the “vastly experienced Detective Inspector Kildare on the case.” Man, I hope Kildare smacks that mean Golem guy double hard.

The Golem

Golem, by the way, is an icon of ancient Jewish folklore, appearing in the 1915 German silent film, Der Golem. (Oddly, the DVD cover says the movie is from 1920. I’m at a loss here.)

The Golem

As the moving picture goes, a 16th Century Prague rabbi brings a clay statue to life to save the Jews from ongoing brutal persecution by the city’s rulers. A kind of Yiddish Pumpkinhead, the molded savior is later found 400 years later in the rubble of an old synagogue (a church you aren’t allowed in) and resurrected once again, this time to be a servant (an early model beer b*tch).

The Golem

When I get around to resurrecting Der Golem, first thing I’d do is change his first name from “der” to “the”, then give him a new coat of paint and take him out for a spin on the pottery wheel. I bet he’d like that. Then I’d command him to smack my enemies – double hard.

A Traveling Sales Werewolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 30, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Romasanta

In the mid 1800s the countryside of Spain was plagued by unusual murders and wolf attacks. My first of three conclusive thoughts was, “Wolves are mugging people, no doubt.”

But the wolfiness going on was merely a by-product of the murders, wherein the wolves would eat the remains and make the cops think the dead people were made that way by the hungry animals.

But one detective noticed hidden within the mangled flesh areas were very precise surgical incisions. Since there was nary a hairy enrolled in medical school, the crimes were obviously committed by a human. (My second conclusive thought placed the blame squarely on Jack The Ripper. Apparently, it was not him, dang it.)

Romasanta

Enter Romasanta, a traveling soap salesman who makes his product out of human body fat. Ick. Since this was the stinky 1800s and bathing was done on special occasions (like the changing of the seasons), his soap was in demand. After he seduces a rippingly hot supermodel (bath tub scene – great rewind material), she discovers he killed her sisters and was more than likely using their soapy butt fat to wash herself. Eeww! So she tells the police and a manhunt ensues.

Romasanta

While the wolf/werewolf attacks are PG graphic, it’s the scene of the fat and naked guy running through the woods with his Willy Wonka flapping around the way a chubby snake does when it sticks its head out the window of a car speeding down the freeway that’s the most unsettling.

Romasanta

Romasanta is tried in court and he tells them he couldn’t help killing 15 people because he’s a werewolf. His attorney successfully gets him off the hook under the “bonkers” defense strategy. I need this guy’s number.

Romasanta

While Romasanta doesn’t morph into a werewolf in a silly fur coat, they do show him changing into a human from a real wolf form. I felt this was pretty neat.

Romasanta

A few problems, however: Romasanta did not have an accent befitting someone from Spain. Nor did the cops. Nor did the wolves, which didn’t sound the least bit Spanish when they howled (example: “El Barko! El Barko!”). My last conclusive thought was that Romasanta (2004), which was based on a true story (Werewolf of Allariz, 1853), could’ve used more soap bubbles.