Monster Auction, Pharmaceutical Felines, Terrible Whales

Got a few hundred thousand spare bitcoin laying around? Then you might wanna head over to PropstoreAuction and get your fan freak on at all the cool movie memorabilia going up for grabs in Los Angeles, June 28 — 30, 2023. And you can preorder the auction catalog for a wallet-stopping $60 to see all the horror/sci-fi/fantasy movie props going up on the auction chopping block. (click here)

Want the evil clown doll from Poltergeist (1982)? It’s expected to bid out between $200,000 to $400,000. Carrie Fisher’s Princess Leia dress from the original Star Wars movies and the Batpod used by Christian Bale in The Dark Knight (2008)? Yeah, projected to fetch around $2,000,000 each. Need Harry Potter’s distressed costume with glasses from 2002’s Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets? Expensive, but you do need a new enchanted bathrobe, yes?

Other props include Jason Voorhees’ hockey mask from Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988), Thor’s cracked Mjolnir hammer used by both Natalie Portman and Chris Hemsworth in 2022’s Thor: Love and Thunder, one of Harrison Ford’s costumes from Blade Runner (1982), and that super scary spider head from John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982).

From PropstoreAuction’s website: “Propstore is holding a preview exhibition at its office facility in Valencia, CA by appointment from May 29 to June 20. The exhibition will feature over 80 lots, giving fans and hopeful bidders the chance to see props and costumes from the auction up close and ask questions to the specialists.” Click here for more info than I have time to include.

So while we all fantasize about driving the Batpod to the store while wearing Princess Lei’s dress and Jason’s hockey mask, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as super scary as a spider head…

COCAINE COUGAR / Out now (DVD/Blu-ray), Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A cougar high on cocaine escapes an animal testing facility and wrecks havoc on Los Angeles.”

Cougars in L.A. doing cocaine? When haven’t they? 

MOTHER, MAY I? / July 21, 2023 (VOD)

“Emmett wants to clean and flip his recently deceased mother’s house: get in, get out, and avoid any trauma still lingering from when she abandoned him as a young child. Anya, his fiancé, see’s this as an opportunity to finally force Emmett to deal with his trauma because she believes it is preventing him from being the partner she needs. So she convinces him to take mushrooms to get him to let go. But something strange happens while they’re tripping: she starts behaving like his mother. The next morning he wakes up sober, but she still won’t drop the act. Anya loves playing games — is this her taking it too far? Or did his mother’s spirit somehow possess her?”

This is what happens when you take drugs. Stick to beer and stay out of trouble. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

WHALE GOD / Release pending 2023 (VOD/DVD/Blu-ray™)

“Once a year, the quiet fishing village of Wadaura in Southern Japan is in a turmoil. The whalers have always concentrated their efforts to try and catch a Killer Whale which is easily twice as large as an ordinary leviathan, and passes by in the offing at the same time every year. Shaki, whose grandfather, father, and elder brother were all victims of the Killer Whale, is determined to kill it. As an inducement, the headman of the village promises to give his only daughter and all his possessions to anyone who succeeds in disposing of the terrible whale.”

This one came out in Japan in 1962 marketed under the generic title, Killer Whale. Now, six decades later, we’re finally gonna be able to see this lost Kaiju movie, with the title amphibian being a practical special effect and, get this, built to scale! Watch the trailer on YouTube™ to see how b*tchin’ cool this Orcinus orca is.

THE MOVERS / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A close-knit family who moves into a seemingly charming neighborhood, only to discover all is not what it appears. As they face persistent threats, the family begins to question their reality and the world around them. It’s a nightmarish universe of deceiving angels and compassionate demons, lost souls desperately seeking a way out.”

I live in a seemingly charming neighborhood as well, and it has a deceiving angel (me) and compassionate demons (Amazon™ delivery people). 

Can’t We All Just Get A Kong? Leprechaun Heck, Vampire Strippers

In biblical terms, King Kong is more popular than Zeus. And while Zeus may be the Olympian god of the sky and thunder, his marketable appeal is confined to Greek mythology and a couple of movies, whereas King Kong is a global deity, worshiped in every country on the planet, even the stinky ones. Need proof? Just look at all visual interpretations of Kong from various continents…particularly the stinky ones.

Prague. Japan. Yugoslavia (see “stink countries”). Turkey. Spain. There is no place on Earth where Kong is not king. And images of our simian savior can fetch prices from as little as $15 in fun coupons/Benjamins/cabbage/smack smacks, all the way up to $1,000 pocket pals/doubloons/gwop/sawbucks for lovingly restored vintage prints.

So while we all go look under couch cushions and long abandoned fanny packs for loose cheddar/clams/lucre/quid to buy bootleg prints of King Kong on Etsy™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cost a lot of pesos/moolah/Lincolns/frog skins to rent…

JOVI & LOU / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™), May 2023 (Tubi™)

An irreverent and sometimes offensive dark comedy in a world where Jovi (God) and Lou (Satan) negotiate the fate of all humanity, one game piece at a time. After his wife Mary sinks into a coma after a car wreck, Joey strikes a bargain with the sinister Lou to save her. His quest for her salvation leads him behind the scenes to the realm of the immortals, where humans are merely pawns in Jovi and Lou’s games.

God’s first name is Jovi and Satan’s first name is Lou? Given their career choices, you’d think they could come up with something more appealing, like Self-Righteous Shelly and Malevolent Mark.

SEVEN ANGELS / May 19, 2023 (VOD)

“Seven Angels, a famous girl band from Indonesia, consisting of Stella, Carla, Dian, Anggun, Amy, Tari and Mika go on vacation to Melbourne, Australia where they socialize with a local singer named Mark. Mark takes the girls of Seven Angels to Aradale Lunatic Asylum, a former haunted asylum with a dark and horrific history.”

You’re a dude with seven chicks and you take ’em to a haunted asylum? Were you born in a monastery?

THE WATCHERS / JUNE 24, 2024 (THEATERS)

“Mina, a 28-year old artist gets stranded in an expansive, untouched forest in western Ireland. When Mina finds shelter, she unknowingly becomes trapped alongside three strangers that are watched and stalked by mysterious creatures each night.”

Leprechauns. And no amount of Lucky Charms™ will save you from them.

SAMMY SLICK: VAMPIRE SLAYER Relese pending crowdfunding, 2023 (VOD)

“In the dark and seedy streets of Ybor City, FL, Vampire Investigator Sammy Slick vows to rid the city of its blood sucking inhabitants once and for all. After a dancer from Foxy’s Strip Club comes to him with her suspicions that the club’s new owner is luring men in as potential prey, Sammy and his trusty sidekick Ash set out to prove her right and bring down the vampiress. Along the way they are met with obstacles, vampiric adversaries, and vampire strippers.”

Vampire strippers. Just don’t tip ‘em with bulbs of garlic. That’ll get you thrown out of the club.

Godzilla Noodles, Future Pollution, Tropical Cults

Did you know that for a mere $5.99 you can have your face roasted off by Godzilla? That’s a pretty good deal considering the going rate is $14.99. I’m talking, of course, about FYE.com’s™ exclusive sale-priced Godzilla Ghost Pepper Ramen™, which is hotter than Godzilla’s own melt-y breath.

From FYE.com™: “Introducing Godzilla Ghost Pepper Ramen™ — the spiciest and most delicious instant ramen you’ll ever try! This 5-pack includes five individual servings of noodles and broth that are packed with the intense heat of ghost peppers. Each bite of these fiery noodles will send your taste buds into overdrive, providing a bold and flavorful experience that is sure to satisfy even the most discerning spicy food lovers. The ghost pepper, also known as the Bhut Jolokia, is one of the hottest peppers in the world, packing a punch that is sure to make your mouth water.”

Fye.com™ is also suggest pairing the hellishly hot noodles (click here) with a themed Godzilla ramen bowl (click here) and Godzilla chopsticks (click here), though they should be offering Baby Godzilla-sized fire extinguishers. So while we’re gambling grievous bodily harm by consuming this edible version of lava, here are few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not kick your Bhut… 

BLACK KNIGHT / May 12, 2023 (Netflix™)

“In the year 2071 it’s impossible to live without a respirator due to extreme air pollution. With a majority of the Korean peninsula now a wasteland and only one per cent of its original population remaining, delivery drivers play a crucial role in the survival of its inhabitants. The legendary delivery man who goes by the name ‘5-8’ with extraordinary fighting skills meets Sa-wol, a refugee who dreams of becoming a delivery driver, the only hope of refugees.”

It’s like they say about air — it’s no big deal until you’re not getting any.

THE FIRST HARVEST / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After his daughter goes missing, Jerry decides to hunt down the serial killer known as Jay Sullivan. Upon having nightmares of Jay, his wife Emily decides to join in the hunt. Meanwhile, Jay himself struggles with reality. When he makes a bold decision, he risks everything and everyone he loves. In this tribute to ’80s horror, who can survive?”

Okay, this is totally freaky — I have a neighbor in my apartment building named Jay Sullivan. Unassuming, quiet, keeps to himself. Yep, he’s a serial killer.

CURSED WATERS / Pending crowd-funding (VOD)

“After their ship is sunk in a naval battle, a group of pirates flee to a nearby island. However, the island is more than it seems. As they try to evade capture by the Navy they soon find that the island is inhabited by a terrifying cult. What other secrets does this island hold? Can the pirates survive? Can they escape?”

If a terrifying cult lives on an island, who are they trying to be terrifying to — free-range rhesus monkeys? That could backfire in a big way because those dirty things are known for throwing their own leavings at enemies and each other. Super ick.

MALICE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An ancient evil is unleashed upon six people in a cabin that possesses those who are close to death. They must battle against plague and seal it away before it takes them all over.”

There’s an Asian horror movie coming out this year with the same name. In Japan, though, it’s called Akui. That’s the sound I make when I sneeze while watching highly-cliched horror movies.

Literary Godzilla, DJ Devil, Loud Earworm

Most people would rather watch Godzilla kick the Shittori Choco out of Japan (and other monsters) than read about it. But now, thanks to modern technology, you can do both — at the same time, if you’re a weirdo. University of Minnesota Press is publishing the novelization of Godzilla (1954) and Godzilla Raids Again (1955) as English-translated paperback and e-books for the YA (Young Adult) market. Good luck trying to get kids to read — they’re too busy making stupid TikTok™ dance videos and investing in get-rich-quick cryptocurrency, or “imaginary money.”

From the University of Minnesota Press’ press release: “Shigeru Kayama (1904 – 1975) was a science fiction writer and scenarist whose early stories about monsters and mutated sea creatures attracted the attention of Toho Studios™, who asked him to draft the first two Godzilla films. The film Half Human (1955) by Toho Studios™ was also based on one of his stories, and he contributed to the screenplay for the Toho™ film The Mysterians (1957).”

The books will be available October 3, 2023 on Amazon Prime™ and Amazon Kindle™ from $17.41 and $9.99 respectively. That’s reasonably priced cryptocurrency. Invest in it here.

So while we put down our TVs and pick up a book for the first time in years, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not appeal to young adults…

LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A live broadcast of a late-night talk show in 1977 goes horribly wrong, unleashing evil into the nation’s living rooms. Jack Delroy is the host of a late-night talk show Night Owls. His rating are plummeting, it’s sweeps week and he’s desperate for a boost so he plans a Halloween special with a magician, someone that claims to be possessed, and skeptics. This is not your traditional late-night variety show; It slowly builds until pure chaos and mayhem ensue.”

Unleashing evil, pure chaos and mayhem? I’ve been all up and down the dial and can’t find it. A shiny cookie to anyone who can tell me where to find this radio station. And hurry — these shiny cookies aren’t gonna make it to late night.

INCESSANT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A troubled couple taking time away at a place in the country. Instead of peace, they encounter an audio-altering virus, a parasite that will slowly rip them apart.”

I’ve said it before — the audio-altering virus can be found on every Motörhead song in existence. Visibly shocked I have to keep repeating myself.

DON’T LOOK AWAY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

‘It doesn’t move, it doesn’t think — it just kills. And for a young woman and her friends, a chance encounter with the supernatural entity proves deadly, because once you see it, don’t you dare look away or it comes for you…and keeps coming for you until you’re dead.”

The supernatural entity they’re referring to is your television.

POUNDCAKE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A New York City serial killer is murdering straight white men in unspeakable ways. Podcasters are chiming in with their theories on who the killer is, what his motives are, and how to stop him. Is it all a hoax to garner sympathy for cisgender white men? Some people think so. Others find the murders cathartic, even funny. Are the victims finally getting what they deserve after inflicting centuries of oppression? Can the killer be stopped? New Yorkers must find a way to end the hate and embrace positivity instead. It might be the only way to kill the beast!”

The first time I heard the word “positivity” was in “Spice Up Your Life”, the irresistible 1997 Spice Girls hit song. And now, 26 years later, New Yorkers are asked to embrace positivity to stop a serial killer. I say to them — “Spice up your life and dance all over that serial killer, b*tches!”

Glazed Gorilla, Bearly Evil, Ghost Criminals

In King Kong vs. Godzilla, the 1962 kaiju classic dust up, there was the hilariously memorable and infamous scene where Kong gets drunk as a mecha-skunk and passes out, his bar tab covered by jungle natives. This is so he can be taken passively to Japan for promotional purposes and ends up in a smackdown with Godzilla, who is a total teetotaler. (The outcome depended on whether you live in the US or Japan.) Now you can get a Drunk Kong action (or would that be non-action) figure and get your jungle boogie on.

From TemptingToysandCollectibles.com website: “Rotokaiju drunk King Kong 1962 30cm Vinyl figure fully built and painted (made in 2020). This limited version was completely built and painted by the manufacturer and has the ‘drunk’ Kong face and three Suma Juice jars.” Drunk Kong stands 12” inches tall — or 12” long when he’s laying in the gutter, stinking of Suma Juice highballs. That’s the fun news. The opposite of that is Drunk Kong costs $1,999.00. (Conversely, a six-pack of Suma Juice is only $1.00._ Spend your money here.

The way they transport Drunk Kong off Faro Island was genius, strapping him to hot air balloons and gently escorting the drunky monkey off the premises. FYI: If you plan on chugging down a few jars of Suma Juice (called Soma Juice on the box and Farolacton Juice on Kong’s island), be sure and have a designated balloon handler to get you home — don’t drink and float.

So while we head to the Faro Island’s corner liquor store to stock up on Farolacton Juice and become a party animal, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your head swell up like a balloon…

ADALYNN / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“A mother is fighting postpartum depression and slipping over the edge. It becomes hard to distinguish where depression ends and her nightmares turn real as she and her newborn are haunted by a stalker unlike any other.”

Probably a demonic nanny/babysitter. I had one. She let me get away with murder.

NIGHT OF THE KILLER BEARS / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“After not seeing each other for a long time, five teenage friends living in Bangkok go on a vacation together, staying at a quiet resort isolated from the city. Things take a dark turn when it’s revealed each of them have hidden secrets, and unbeknown to the group, there is someone observing them. When one of them ends up brutally murdered, paranoia and distrust surrounds the group, motivating each remaining member to accuse each other of being the murderer or considering the possibility that the real murderer is the unseen presence observing them, and that they all are in danger.”

Bears are the new sharks in horror movies recently, what with the moderate successes of Cocaine Bear (2023), Winnie-The-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023). But for really scare bears, that chemical pollution-mutated one in The Prophecy (1979) and the alien-mutated one in Annihilation (2018) are both pretty…grizzly.

LEGEND OF THE WHITE DRAGON / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Erik Reed, The White Dragon, has returned home to Virtuo City three years later after being defeated in a colossal battle against the ancient overlord, Ashtagor. The crystal he used to become the White Dragon was broken in two as a result of the epic battle, both pieces were subsequently lost. Being blamed for the destruction and collateral lives lost, his identity was outed after the battle thus making him a fugitive from the law. We now follow Erik on his journey as he teams up with treasure hunters from the past who help him reclaim his power as the White Dragon. Once reunited with his powers, he and his team are now ready to battle a new threat, Dragon Prime, who seeks revenge against the White Dragon and try and defeat Dragon Prime in order to get one step closer to clearing his name and being able to protect his family from an ancient evil that still lurks in the darkness — Ashtagor.”

A lot going on here. Then again, the trailer explodes with spaceships, punching violence, future bikinis, ancient overlords with dumb names, revenge glares and costumes that look more at home in a 1980s video game. So yeah, I’ll watch the movie.

DEADLAND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A U.S. Border Patrol Agent tries to apprehend the ghost of his father, a grave decision that will haunt him forever.”

Related or not, ghost criminals are the worst because it’s near to impossible to keep ’em in jail, what with being able to walk through walls ’n stuff.

Cuddly Kaiju, Filming Bigfoot, Killer Whales

Godzilla is the KISS of merchandising, having his likeness/logo/iconic beer belch attached to literal hundreds of products, ranging from designer underwear and hot sauce to 100% Toho™ cotton bed sheets and a themed hotels (Hotel Gracery Shinjuku, for a reasonable $125 a night). And thanks to Quantam Mechanix™, Godzilla is now a plush zipperhead. And no, that wasn’t me calling him names. Godzilla has been turned into a plush toy (fancy term for being stuffed) with a mouth that can be opened/closed with zipper lips. (That sounds like a cool name for a new Godzilla foe or a punk band.)

Godzilla Zippermouth Plush comes in a set of four: Godzilla Burning, Godzilla Atomic Breath, Godzilla Standard, Godzilla Black and White. This set sells for $139.99 and has these features: “Charming, edgy, and packed with personality, these Godzilla Zippermouth Plush are soft, cute, and full of details that will appeal to kids and even the most discerning collector. Measuring approximately 8 1/2-inches tall, each plush features individually stuffed claws; embroidered details on his eyes, nose, spine; and custom-dyed fabric that’s super soft to the touch. They also sport a trademark Quantum Mechanix™ zippered smile you can unzip to reveal Godzilla’s destructive grin!”

Destructive grin. A possible name for a rotgut craft cocktail. These plushies arrive in June 2023 and you can reserve yours here. And while you start a punk band and/or sip some rotgut, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not leave you feeling stuffed…

SOMETHING WALKS IN THE WOODS / Out now (VOD)

“A viral video shows a mysterious figure walking along the edge of the woods each day, and filmmaker Bill Howard sets out to spend a night there to find out exactly what it is.”

It’s Bigfoot looking to pound the film out of anyone pointing a camera in his general direction

THE REAPER MAN / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“A grieving wife summons a dark spirit with an insatiable desire for revenge.”

I liked this better when it was called Pumpkinhead (1988).

SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After being forced to drive a mysterious passenger at gunpoint, a man finds himself in a high-stakes game of cat and mouse where it becomes clear that not everything is as it seems.”

This one stars Nicolas Cage, who has already been in 415 movies so far this year.

THE SWARM / Release pending 2023 (Streaming Series)

“Whales begin sinking ships. Toxic, eyeless crabs poison Long Island’s water supply. The North Sea shelf collapses, killing thousands in Europe. Around the world, people are beginning to feel the effects of the ocean’s revenge as the seas and their inhabitants begin a ‘violent revolution’ against mankind. At stake is the survival of the Earth’s very fragile ecology — and ultimately, the survival of humanity.”

They had me at whales sinking ships. Points also for eyeless crabs.

Giant Screen Giant Monster, Accidental UFO, Psychiatric Demon

Godzilla is coming to town. But this time he’ll be a little less destructive on your real estate and moderately so on your wallet-sized purse. Fathom Events™ is bringing Godzilla: Tokyo SOS (2003) back to the big screen with some extras that’ll pop your corn.

From Fathom’s™ press release: “Godzilla is roaring back into theaters! Fathom Events™ and Toho International™, the Japanese studio’s U.S.-based subsidiary that brought classic Godzilla to life, announced today that Godzilla: Tokyo SOS is coming to theaters for the first time in the U.S. in celebration of the film’s 20th anniversary. This one-day-only event will take place on the big screen in over 600 theaters across the U.S. on March 22, 2023 and will feature the film with subtitles along with bonus content every fan will love, including a special showing of Godzilla vs. Gigan Rex, a short that debuted at the 2022 Japan Godzilla Festival as a sequel to G vs. G (2019).”

In case you never saw or heard of Godzilla: Tokyo SOS, here’s a plot snapshot: “Mothra and her fairies return to Japan to warn mankind that they must return Kiryu to the sea, for the dead must not be disturbed. However, Godzilla has survived to menace Japan leaving Kiryu as the nation’s only defense.” Amazing fun fact: “SOS” in Japan stands for “Sushi On A Shingle.”

While you flee to Fathom Events™ website to see if Godzilla will be stopping by your zip code (click this), here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not be a fathomable event…

ACCIDENTAL TRUTH: UFO REVELATIONS / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“The truth can no longer be contained by those duty-bound to hide it. Officials who interact with the public regarding the UFO question openly acknowledge that they know things that they can’t reveal. In Accidental Truth, the reality of an advanced intelligence engaging humanity becomes undeniably clear; You will witness revelations on UFOs/UAPs from government insiders that have never been previously shared with the public.”

Yesterday’s papers. We already know ETs have been coming here and interacting with our feces. The government should get a new job.

NEFARIOUS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“On the day of his scheduled execution, a convicted serial killer gets a psychiatric evaluation during which he claims he is a demon. And further claims that before their time is over, the psychiatrist will commit three murders of his own.”

I think this one came out in theaters (limited) in April of 2022. I was having a psychiatric evaluation all that month, and missed it. Turns out I’m a demon!  

INVOKING YELL / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“Set in 1997 in the south of Chile, a trio of metal-head twenty-something girls venture into the woods to shoot a demo tape for their black metal band, Invoking Yell, while also documenting the eerie and unsettling process of recording electronic voice phenomena in the woods for the final track.”

I guess you could go in the woods to record electronic voice phenomena, though you run the risk of being punked by social media woodchuck secretly recording you recording him to post online. Who needs that in their life?

DARK WINDOWS / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“Four teenagers were involved in a car crash. One of them dies, and when the others are blamed for her death, they decide to stay at a summerhouse in the countryside to get out of town and work through their grief. Then a masked man starts to terrorize them.”

We already know what you did last summer. We seen the other movies with the exact same plot. Note to teens: stay in school, don’t do drugs and let the masked man do his job.

Frightful Voices, Shark Cravings, Shiny Giants

One of the better and hammy fun vampire movies of the ‘80s is Fright Night (1985), wherein a stylish, manscaped vampire moves next door to Charley Brewster, a teen a horror movie fan, who discovers his new neighbor’s penchant for sucking down neck Slurpees™. Charley enlists the help of local TV horror movie host/vampire hunter Peter Vincent (played by Planet of the Apes’ Cornelius), to expose his neighbor’s vampiric activities. The wild stuff that happens from there (sorry, no spoilers) cemented Fright Night’s cult status among horror fans, and was even remade in 2011.

Chris Sarandon, who played Jerry Dandrige, Fright Night’s the lethally smooth vampire, also starred as police detective Mike Norris in 1988’s Child’s Play (he was the guy who shot the criminal guy who, before he could die, voodoo’d himself into a plastic doll and became Chucky), and was the voice of Jack Skellington in 1993’s animated “horror” classic, The Nightmare Before Christmas. His work in horror includes 1977’s The Sentinel, 1991’s The Resurrected, Bordello of Blood in 1996, and a cameo in the 2011 Fright Night remake. (P.S. Fright Night 2: New Blood came out 2013, but he wasn’t in it. Neither was I.) And Sir Sarandon recently returned to the FN universe by voicing A. Jack Ulkrich novel Fright Night: Origins in audiobook format. This is fantastic news for people who don’t know how to read. (Hey, I was wet nursed on TV. Quit judging me.)

Here are the particulars: “You think you know the whole story, don’t you? High school isn’t going well for teenage horror fan Charley Brewster, still dealing with the loss of his father, he finds himself in his first serious relationship with the vibrant and beautiful Amy Peterson. If new love wasn’t complicated enough Charley is also failing Trigonometry. Late one night while cramming for a test Charley spies something suspicious in the yard next door, two men carrying what appears.to be a coffin. What’s going on in the old Victorian House and who are Charley’s new neighbors?”

Fright Night: Origins comes in four Amazon Audible™ options: Kindle™ ($1.99), Audiobook ($0.00), hardcover ($32.99) and paperback ($16.99). Pick your poison here. And while you’re reliving the undead, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved by having ’em read to you…

UNDYING / Out now (VOD)

“A tragic car accident puts a woman in a two year coma. She wakes up to find her fiancee is dead and her friends have abandoned her. So she calls on an evil spirit to raise her fiancee from the dead and exact revenge. But revenge always comes with a price.”

Your friends bailed because you were basically a leftover meatloaf for two years. It’s not like they ran out, leaving you to pay the bar tab. And that’s punishable by death by an evil spirit? Geez, some coma patients are so cranky if they don’t get enough — or too much —sleep.

VENUS / Out now (VOD)

“After being caught stealing from her employers, club dancer Lucía seeks shelter with her estranged sister and niece in the Venus, a decrepit apartment complex on the outskirts of Madrid. Soon, Lucía discovers the apartment complex harbors a dark secret threatening to reveal itself after an unexpected solar eclipse.”

I thought all eclipses were solar. They could’ve just said eclipse.

NO SHARK / Out now (Tubi™)

“In this darkly comedic and uniquely angsty journey, twelve vignettes chronicle a young woman’s inner monologue as she visits various NYC beaches in hopes of fulfilling her dream of being eaten by a shark.”

Why is it every gal I meet wants to be eaten by a shark? It’s giving me a complex.

SHIN ULTRAMAN / January 12, 2023 (Fathom™)

“As the threat of giant unidentified lifeforms known as S-Class Species worsens in Japan, a silver giant appears from beyond Earth’s atmosphere.”

As if it needs to be said, the world could use more silver giants wearing shiny tight pants.

Devil Barf, Ghost Coffins, Head Removal

How could 1973’s The Exorcist not be what the guy at the grocery store says is the scariest horror movie ever made when it has everything: religion gone wild, spin class barfing, multisyllabic naughty words, skull rotation, crucifix polishing, Latin beerspeak, demon boners… You’d have to go to church — or the Tug Tavern — to get that kind of party. Or do you? Now you can own an exquisitely detailed 1/10th scale model of the devil-possessed 12-year-old Regan MacNeil in her iconic bed pose right before she did a soul swap with backup priest Father Karras, making him jump out a five-story window onto the unrepentant cement stairs below…and Jesus not catching him.

From Iron Studios™ and BigBadToys.com: “Confined and restrained in her room on a bed with a padded headboard and foot-board to protect its occupant, a demonic evil entity possesses the body of a preteen girl, making her body physically distorted and covered in wounds. All the diabolic spirit that lives in her body wishes for is to cause the death of its innocent host. Considered by many as the most terrifying movies of all time, Iron Studios present their Possessed Regan MacNeil statue of the bedeviled protagonist from The Exorcist, one of the greatest horror films ever.”

While this limited edition statue doesn’t come accessorized with action puke (you can load up at the Tug Tavern), the model is hand-painted and made of bible-resistant polystone. And it will possess your wallet for $219.99 (estimated arrival 3rd quarter 2023). A suggestion would be to raid the nearest collection plate.

While you’re in confession (10 Hail Bloody Marys usually gets me off the hook —and puts me on other ones), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you shout at the Devil — or your shoes… 

OPEN THE COFFIN / Out now (YouTube™)

“A detective investigates supernatural mystery murders that seem to be the result of a curse.”

Where would supernatural murder mysteries be without curses? That’s like having a used car sale without balloons.

IVANNA / Out now (YouTube™)

“A beautiful young woman, who has limited vision, and her family and friends are terrorized when they celebrate Lebaran at an old house in the Bandung area. She has visions of the previous owner, a Dutch woman named Ivanna who was murdered during the Japanese invasion of Indonesia in 1943. Now, Ivanna’s spirit has returned to the house seeking revenge.”

The ghost of Ivanna decapitates her victims. This no doubt is what’s causing the drastic decline of comb sales in Bandung.

KUNTILANAK 3 / Out now (YouTube™)

“Dinda, who is considered strange by the village children because of her strength, accidentally injures Panji and Ambar. Regretting her actions, Dinda asks Aunt Dona to register her at the Mata Hati School, so that she can learn to control her power.”

Just think of what you can do with super strength — open stuck peanut butter jar lids. Give me a minute and I’ll think of another one.

AMBER ROAD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Amber Road is a hidden place in the digital universe where anything can be bought, sold and traded. It is a place where a person can fulfill their darkest desire or unleash their deepest depravity. And once you travel down that path, there comes a point where you can never return. A husband and wife awaken to find themselves trapped in a basement dungeon apparently at the hands of a serial killer driven by the demands and requests of sick and demented individuals finding a community on the dark web.”

Is it just me, or does this darkest desire digital universe sound like Amazon.com?

Fearful Finger, Angry Villagers, New-Fangled Kaiju

As a kid, watching that scene in Creature of the Black Lagoon (1954) where a geology expedition in the Amazon (the rain forest, not the online retailer that makes $1.5 trillion dollars a month) finds a skeleton of a webbed non-human hand, totally la’gooned me out. If just the hand was that scary, then seeing who it belonged to was surely gonna be a pant-filling moment. And…IT WAS.

To further make mockery of freshly laundered britches comes the Universal Monsters Creature from the Black Lagoon Fossilized Creature Hand Scaled Prop Replica. Coming in July 2023 from Factory Entertainment™, the hand, with an outstretched middle finger (yes, it’s flipping us off), preorders for $79.99. That’s less than a co-pay visit to my proctologist, Dr. “Big Finger” Linderman, whose misshapen digits look EXACTLY like that of the Creature. Probably feels like it, too.

From Factory Entertainment™: “The high quality, scaled prop replica of the fossilized creature hand unearthed at the start of 1954’s Creature from the Black Lagoon is a must have for fans! This stunning heavy duty scaled prop replica is molded out of solid metal and features a display stand. Each scaled replica comes in collector packaging. Measures 7” tall x 6” wide x 6” long.” 

While you wait for me to make more jokes about personal space violations, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not make you feel uncomfortable as…

SKINAMARINK / January 13, 2023 (Limited), TBD 2023 (Shudder™)

“Two children wake up in the middle of the night to find their father is missing and all the windows and doors in their home have vanished. To cope with the strange situation, the two bring pillows and blankets to the living room and settle into a quiet slumber party situation. They play well worn videotapes of cartoons to fill the silence of the house and distract from the frightening and inexplicable situation. All the while in the hopes that eventually some grown-ups will come to rescue them. However, after a while it becomes clear that something is watching over them.”

I bet that “something” is Casper the Friendly Skinamarink. 

DEATH KNOT / January 17, 2023 (VOD)

“After the death of their estranged mother, two siblings return home and are immediately confronted by angry villagers who claim their mother was a practitioner of a dangerous brand of black magic behind multiple mysterious deaths.”

Villagers historically have anger issues, famously going back to the Salem witch burning days and Victor Frankenstein’s Goth body modifications. And you don’t wanna know the uproar that followed when the “open 24-hours” Village 7-Eleven™ only stayed open 23 hours. Sheer anarchy.

HOSHI 35 / Release pending 2023 (DVD)

“MRTS has shared an exclusive first look at their next kaiju film, Hoshi 35. ‘Hoshi’ means ‘star’ in Japanese and, like the English word, has several meanings. The movie, which will use traditional Japanese FX techniques, will be directed by Hiroto Yokokawa.”

This new kaiju is so cool looking, the movie doesn’t need a plot. All it has to do is just stand there for 90 minutes. And maybe stomp on a few Big & Tall™ outlets.

KNIGHTS OF THE ZODIAC / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a goddess of war reincarnates in the body of a young girl, street orphan Seiya discovers that he is destined to protect her and save the world. But only if he can face his own past and become a Knight of the Zodiac.”

Once a goddess of war, always a goddess of war…but once a knight is enough.