Horror Clowns, Black Superheroes, Meaty Godzilla

Every month they change the fresh sheet at JaK’s my fav steakhouse of all time and space. (My accountant looked at my receipts and asked if I owned stock in the place. By now I should.)

June’s fresh sheet came out and right there in print was the…Rib-Eye Godzilla. This is no joke — and get this, it comes with a side order of screaming citizens! (Okay, that part was a joke.) Wonder if it comes with an order of Tokyo? Regardless, you now know what I’ll be eating for the next 30 days,

Speaking of tasty, here’s some upcoming horror and sci-fi that may or may not satisfy your city-crushing hunger…

BEHIND THE SIGHTINGS (October 2017)
“Based on over 112 hours of footage recovered from the personal belongings of aspiring filmmakers Todd and Jessica Smith. The husband and wife filmmaking duo were investigating the 2016 creepy clown sighting epidemic. The first clown sightings occurred in August 2016 in Greenville, South Carolina. Authorities were alerted to reports by neighborhood kids stating that creepy clowns were appearing in the woods near an apartment complex. The clown sightings spread to all 50 states and across Europe. Todd and Jessica were attempting to track down clown sighting witnesses and the clowns involved in a rash of creepy clown sightings that plagued an eastern North Carolina community.”

A little late on the clown sighting social phenomenon, which I though was a clever promo for the new It (2017) movie. The funny part here is that people who took part in the clown sightings were in fact already clown themselves. Think this goes in the “already seen it” file, which is right next to the “stupid dumbasses” folder.

MIDNIGHTERS (2017/2018)
“Midnight, New Year’s Eve: when all the hopes of new beginnings come to life — except for Lindsey and Jeff Pittman, whose strained marriage faces the ultimate test after they cover up a terrible crime and find themselves entangled in a Hitchcockian web of deceit and madness.”

Hitchcockian web? Hitchcock was a spider? Now his movies all of a sudden make sense.

BLACK PANTHER (February 16, 2018)
“Black Panther springs into action when an old enemy threatens the fate of his nation and the world.”

Marvel’s Black Panther was a hugely welcome debut in Captain America: Civil War (2016). That cat had some sleek moves. So it’s with some sort of glee I’m looking forward to an entire movie devoted to his sleek moves. Of course, African-American superheroes have been around for some time, but not nearly as much as their counterparts. For a recent example watch Luke Cage (Netflix). He also hooked up with Jessica Jones in her TV series. Lucky guy. Off the top ‘o my noggin is Hancock (Will Smith) Storm (Halle Berry) Spawn (1977) and yep, I’ll through in Asgard’s Heimdall (Idris Elba). But if you wanna go really obscure, try The First Black Superman, released back in 1977 when hippies ran free and personal hygiene was dubious at best. Fun watching how your parents acted when they were young and stupid.

ANGEL (pending crowd-funding)
When a brutal massacre plagued the isolated and peaceful town of Raven Rock in 1986, the remaining residents fled, leaving the once tranquil community behind. For thirty years the town has been chained and walled off from the outside world while deteriorating and crumbling. However not all has been quiet as disappearances have been attributed to the supposedly haunted town. Now a headstrong journalist and her team venture to Raven Rock to investigate the town, its history, and the missing persons. What they will discover is sometimes the truth is more disturbing than myth and Raven Rock is still being occupied.”

Sounds like a direct lift of 2006’s Silent Hill. That one had really cool weirdo monsters in the abandoned town. Ghosts, too. You’d think that be a tourist attraction instead of, say, a Ferris Wheel run amok. And don’t get me started on that possessed Tilt-a-Whirl, the only amusement park ride that makes you pay to reverse vomit.

California Kong

Mighty Joe Young (1998) is a somewhat believable-sized version of King Kong (1933). King Kong is a great name. Who the heck names their pet gorilla “Joe”? Why not Lord Awesome or Kool Mo’Key? You animal lovers need to get a clue.

Joe Young, who I hear is mighty, is a 15-foot gorilla in love with hottie Charlize Theron. She thinks Joe’s her best friend. He keeps wondering in thought monkey-speak if she’ll split like a hot pineapple should they decide to “consummate” their best friendness.

Poachers want to kill Joe for his abundant value. An Eco-concerned animal lover wants Joe to be moved from his crib in Africa to a licensed animal sanctuary in Los Angeles (I thought L.A. was an animal sanctuary). Joe goes because hey, he’s in love. But not before a big chase scene with guns aimed at this “how can you miss?” target.

While in California, an amusement park Ferris Wheel catches on fire and there’s a screaming kid stuck at the top. Time to burn fur. Joe rescues the brat and is the hero, hooray, throw a parade.

This is a re-telling of 1949’s Mighty Joe Young, but not sure what the fuss is. A big dumb ape being led around by the nose by a hot blonde? Walk into any bar and you’ll see at least 10 of ’em.

Earth Must be Stopped

Remember The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951/2008)? Well, this time it stopped altogether. No loitering for this planet, just a complete and utter dead halt.

I could end my overview of The Day The Earth Stopped (2008) right here, but there may be one or two of you who never listen when I tell them movies that are quick knock-offs of other — and better — flicks, suck the big [insert your choice of disparaging proper noun here].

A battalion of spaceships pull up to Earth and park their giant destructo robots in areas all over the world. Six hundred and sixty-six of ’em to be exact, though you only get to see one.

Two aliens — a naked young man with zits on his face, and a nude 30-something woman with heavy eye shadow and thick lip gloss (from the “Hot Uranus Nights” weekend collection) — are captured by the Army and interrogated.

Turns out Earth has been pissing off all the other planets, and it’s time to kiss our arrogant fannies goodbye. That is, unless we can show them a reason for sparing our lives…by sundown. Unfortunately, the giant robots start blasting, wrecking an innocent Ferris wheel and shooting the top off the Eiffel Tower. France probably deserved it.

The lesson learned? Don’t watch cheap knock-off “sci-fi” movies like this anymore. But like touching a hot stove burner, I’ll probably do it again.

Scary-Go-Round

Years ago a little girl dies after falling out of a Ferris wheel. (She was probably on drugs at the time and thought the ride was a vertical merry-go-round.) The ensuing grief causes the town’s amusement park to shut down. If Disney™ shut down every time someone died on one of their rides, we’d never get to feel up the Little Mermaid’s mom.

But what is an abandoned amusement park thought to be haunted by ghosts but a magical place just begging to be explored? Screw Disneyland™ and their defective rides – this is the happiest place on earth.

Spin forward to today: A young Asian hottie loses her brother in…THE PARK, so she goes into… THE PARK to find him. Mysteriously, all the lights and rides come to life as if someone hidden from sight had turned them on with a mystical switch or button. It’s all but said out loud that this place is owned and operated by Satan. (Maybe that’s why the cotton candy costs a hellish $6.66.)

That’s all I know about The Park (aka, Chow lok yuen/2003), an inherently dumb “horror” movie with tired special effects. As it was originally filmed in 3D and I made the mistake of renting the special edition version and didn’t have those cool paper glasses with one red eye and one blue eye to view it properly. Everything looked blurry. I just thought it was the malt liquor. I think I saw a digital ghost, though. More likely a solid fart.

The Irrefutable Truth About Demons

A moderately handsome anthropologist exposes cults for a hobby, which makes a bunch of stinky demons mad at him. As an academic who only deals in fact, his world flips around like a broken ferris wheel when his reality is thrown into question by random acts of magic, eerie symbols and unholy, computer-generated demons.

Filmed in Australia, all the actors and hellish entities talk like that dead Crocodile Hunter guy. (“G’day, evil!”) Our hero’s girlfriend is crucified in their living room; his dead brother keeps coming back to taunt him; he’s kidnapped and tortured by punk rock demonologists; and his heart is yanked out of his chest and put in a fashionable coin purse for carrying bus change and chapstick and such.

The delicious Katie Wolfe turns up as a loony tune trying to help him “see” the evil around him. And to touch his chazwazza. (“There’s a hidden message, but you have to keep it close to your penis,” she says, sticking her hand down his trousers.) The sex scene is blurred just enough where you can’t see Kate’s groceries, but there’s enough blood and violence and plot turns in The Irrefutable Truth About Demons (2000) to keep you from conjuring your own demons. In other words, no worries, mate.