Vinyl Horror, Mix ’n Match Predators, Slaves To Evil

If you have some loose bus change totaling $169.99 jingling around in your britches, you may want to click on over to HouseofMysteriousSecrets.com to pre-order their case set of miniature vinyl horror movie icons to put on various shelves and/or tabletops in the place you change (and hopefully wash) said britches.

Each of these cooler than heck collectibles is 3 1/4” tall and are bendable into different poses. For instance, the possessed Regan doll (The Exorcist/1973) could be bent over to reenact projective vomiting. Other characters include multiple versions of Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Pennywise (1990 version). These dolls can be purchased separately, but why? Pre-order all of ‘em now as they’re arriving July, 2018. 

And while you’re clearing your shelves of unread books/plastic bowling trophies to make room for ‘em, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be collectible…

PRED4TOR (2018)
“From the outer reaches of space to the small-town streets of suburbia, the hunt comes home in Shane Black’s explosive reinvention of the Predator series. Now, the universe’s most lethal hunters are stronger, smarter and deadlier than ever before, having genetically upgraded themselves with DNA from other species. When a young boy accidentally triggers their return to Earth, only a ragtag crew of ex-soldiers and a disgruntled science teacher can prevent the end of the human race.”

Already e-blogged about this prior, though I can’t recall when as I’ve been distracted by…pizza. So this is the latest key art and official plot — Predators swapping DNA spit in the shower with other species. You have my attention. Note to Predators: If it doesn’t involve probing or the touching of the swimsuit area, I would like to be genetically-upgraded so that I, too, may join your social club.

THE DARK (2018)
“Undead and hating it, young flesh-eater Mina haunts the woods surrounding her childhood home. When she befriends a physically abused boy, she must figure out why, for once, she isn’t feeling homicidal.”

Interesting spin on the zombie theme. I bet Mina eats the abused boy’s parents. And I hope she burps/farts as loud as the horns of humanity after finishing her meal. Parents or others who abuse kids should get even worse punishment than being digested and crapped out by a zombie.

THRESHOLD (2018)
“A group of graduating college seniors find themselves stuck in the spooky residence of the college President after a graduation party. The house changes as they move through it, no passage leading the same way twice. They soon discover the house is a labyrinth, and at its center is an ancient monster of mythology. As they are eaten one by one, they learn they are part of a ritual and must find their way out of the house by solving the maze if they are going to survive.”

It’s said that Threshold’s monster is a Minotaur, a creature half man, half bull. So does he sleep in a bed or a barn? I bet he’d be king of the rodeo at those county fair bull-riding contests.

SATAN’S SLAVES (2017/Indonesia – 2018/US)
“A record-breaking box-office hit upon release, Joko Anwar’s affectionate remake of 1980’s Pengabdi Setan is one of horror cinema’s recent triumphs: an atmospheric, expertly-shot roller-coaster ride of a haunted house film, inspired as much by Indonesian folklore as by retro genre classics.”

Slashfilm.com has this to say about that: “A Quiet Place and Hereditary have already been dubbed 2018’s scariest films to beat, but you can add Satan’s Slaves to that list now – the most horrifying film of 2018 you haven’t heard of yet.” With that kind of endorsement, it kinda makes your mouth start slobbering all on its own. Better wear a plastic shirt (and possibly pants) when I go see it. Heck, might as well buy a wet suit.

Finger Wicks, Knights Templar, Ego Horror

Always look forward to the new decorations they put on sale a Planet Halloween™ this time each year. While I’m a big fan of the classic (Whoopee Cushion™, Fart In A Can™, Electric Handshake Buzzer (you can use it on just about any body part), the new one I should buy with every bitcoin I can scrape up is the Halloween Wax Bleeding Hand Candle. Right out of the gate it reminds me of the hand in 1972’s made for TV horror, When Michael Calls. (The scene with Michael’s ghostly, manifested hand in a fishbowl that still makes my cushion go whoopee! every time)

Yeah, there’s been lots of bleeding hand candles before, but this one is the most realistic, especially if your name is Michael. And you can get one of this babies at CreepyCandles.net for a mere wallet-melting $35.00 bones ( no pun intended.) While you’re working your fingers to the bone (sorry) to come up with the appropriate digits (sorry), here are a few just released horror and sci-fi moves that may or may not set off your Whoopee! Cushion…

JACK HUNTER’S PARANOIA TAPES (available now)
“Jack Hunter presents a found footage movie that will surely put you on the edge of your seats and will send a chill down the bottom of your spine.”

Just when you thought a movie title and press release couldn’t get any more lazy/cliched. It’s one thing to present yourself as a filmmaker and put your own name in the title when all you’re doing is a found footage fare (no skill required). That’s like saying just because you tried out for American Idol™, that makes you a singer. Secondly, who the canned spray fart says “sends a chill down to the bottom of your spine” anymore? That is so hack, even my proctologist doesn’t use that phrase — and that procedure is so g’dam horrifying, it sends a chill down to my very bottom.

STAG NIGHT (available now)
“A satanic Knights Templar crosses paths with Brian and his paintball-loving friends in this supernatural horror tale. Five years after the squad broke up, Brian’s old buddies get back together for a reunion. When they visit a forest paintball park though, the reunited friends find a sinister force of evil awaiting the group.”

Great — they besmirch the legend of the terrifying Knights Templar by putting ‘em in a paintball park. What’s next — a Knights Templar Tupperware Party? These guys are known for revenge eating your soul. Now they’re just a punchline in YET ANOTHER dumbass teen “horror” movie. Kinda makes you wanna sell your gang-emblem tunic and go back to being a door-to-door sword salesman.

MAD COW (2017)
“A crazed scientist creates a half-man, half-cow creature, which goes on the rampage at an African game lodge.”

Um, has any of these filmmakers ever heard of the Greek mythological creature, the Minotaur (half-man/half-bull) or more notably, The Island of Dr. Moreau? Moreau has been turning jungle animals into human hybrids since 1913. Which begs the question — if you try and milk the half-man/half cow, are you just looking for cereal milk, or are you a fetish freak trying to pleasure said creature for your sick and twisted desires? The correct answer is to just walk away.

HAUNTED CHANGI (available now)
“Old Changi Hospital is one of the most notoriously haunted places in the world. A group of filmmakers explore the famously haunted old Changi Hospital in Singapore with terrifying and tragic results.”

A foreign version of about, oh, 10 dozen American horror movies with the EXACT SAME PLOT. I did, however, look up Changi Hospital and it’s a real abandoned mental hospital. Apparently, Singapore has a pile of those laying around as well. My hard detective work (drinking a beer, clicking around the Internet) reveals that Changi’s buildings are said to be haunted by the souls of the victims of the Japanese Occupation, homeless ghosts and the spirits of those who died in the hospital. Is it just me or don’t we go to hospitals to not die? No wonder the place went out of business; no one left to pay the bill.

Ancient Greek Cow Thing

In Greek mythology (what Greek isn’t mythology?) a Minotaur is a half bull/half man creature that originally dwelt (that’s such a cool word) at the center of the Labyrinth, an elaborate underground maze built for King Minos of Crete (that total penis owes me after I spotted him some drachma), and designed by the architect Daedalus to hold the barnyard curiosity.

He and his son Icarus (that guy in the Iron Maiden song) built it so Minotaur could dwelt in it. They tried to make a movie of this HISTORICALLY-PROVEN FACT, with Tony Todd (Candyman with war paint on his stomach) as the local warlord king who sacrifices teenagers to the Minotaur Cow Thing.

In a nearby village a guy’s girlfriend was taken to be chucked into the Labyrinth. So much for a second date with boobie-feeling privileges. He and a bunch of other villagers break into the castle to find her, only to get themselves in the same can ’o ancient soup. The Minotaur is thinkin’ it’s a restaurant on legs with all the trimmings.

Upstairs, though, the mean king is trying to get busy with his supermodel sister. This girl is so hot she makes Beyoncé look like a cow pie with mascara. But little sister grows tired of Candyman’s nightly attempts to get her to ride the baloney pony. Maddened, he throws the non-putting out mattress candy into the pit with the rest of the losers. Oh sure, there’s some more plot, but none of it matters, especially when there’s an enlarged demonic skull cow charging through the maze to gore people with his horns and hooves of doom.

His frequent attacks look like the heavy metal version of the running of the bulls; You’d expect the Minotaur to look like the Bigfoot business model of a hairy milk cow, but not this time. The Minotaur is all skeletal with evil skin hanging of it and a skull face and horns the size of whaling scrimshaws (harpoons, for all you non-Moby Dick heads). There’s a LOT of screaming. Truth be told, if I was being chased by the Minotaur, I’d make sure that darn thing slips in the adrenaline fluid spraying out of my sprinting backside.

The title creature (Minotaur/2006) is pretty dang cool and is the same one on the DVD box. OK, it might actually be his brother, but they look so much alike as to be twins. And Candyman? Let’s just say, you mess with the bull you get the horn. Heh.