Archive for Goth

Monsters Undressed, Moon UFOs, House Ghost

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 20, 2023 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

As promised in a previous bloggedy-blog, here’s more of Canadian designer Phil Postma’s creative art, this time turning the Bride of Frankenstein into a gas station pin-up calendar cutie.

Phil monster-mashed The Bride with Wolf-Man, Dracula, Creature From The Black Lagoon and even her primary care provider, Victor Frankenstein, achieving pant-tingling results. Makes you wish he’d make these billboard-sized or at least a print that could be held up with one hand.

In The Bride of Frankenstein (1935), the reanimated gal throws a hissy-fit when her prearranged pairing with Frankenstein’s monster didn’t go as planned. This scenario gave birth to not only girl Goth, but speed-dating as well.

While we beg Phil to do 100 more monster pin-ups, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a gas station… 

REBROKEN / March 7, 2023 (VOD)

“Will is a devastated father who spends his time between court-ordered grief counseling drinking himself into oblivion. He repeats the cycle of despair every day with no plans to stop, until he meets a mysterious stranger who gives him some old vinyl recordings. After Will listens to the records, he suddenly starts receiving messages from his recently deceased daughter. As the communications from his daughter grow more and more frequent, Will becomes convinced that these recordings hold the answer to bring his daughter back from the dead.”

If the deceased daughter tours in support of her album, I would like front row tickets.

SECRET SPACE UFOs: APOLLO 1-11 / April, 2023 (VOD)

“The UFO phenomenon has been recorded far beyond the boundaries of Earth with hundreds of sightings during the Apollo missions 1-11. James Fox, Darcy Weir, Mike Bara and Richard Dolan discuss this hidden history of UFOs in space and structures on the Moon. A history of NASA’s early Apollo missions as astronauts endeavor to set foot on the Moon and go further in space than any man has before.”

Of course aliens live on the Moon, as evidenced by the “Stay Off The Lawn” signs intended for trespassing astronauts.

DIVINITY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Set in an otherworldly human existence, scientist Sterling Pierce dedicated his life to the quest for immortality, slowly creating the building blocks of a groundbreaking serum named Divinity. Jaxxon Pierce, his son, now controls and manufactures his father’s once-benevolent dream. Society on this barren planet has been entirely perverted by the supremacy of the drug, whose true origins are shrouded in mystery. Two mysterious brothers arrive with a plan to abduct the mogul, and with the help of a seductive woman named Nikita, they will be set on a path hurtling toward true immortality.”

Never understood the appeal of immortality. Paying never-ending taxes would suck big time.

THE UNDERBUG / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As India is ravaged by sectarian violence on the eve of its Independence Day, two rioters take refuge in an abandoned house. An eerie presence in the house, however, haunts the men to the edge of sanity.”

Eerie presence is just a fancy term for supernatural squatter. They can all share the house as long as everybody labels their food in the fridge and shares in doing the dishes and taking out the recycling.

Fearful Finger, Angry Villagers, New-Fangled Kaiju

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, paranormal, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 9, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

As a kid, watching that scene in Creature of the Black Lagoon (1954) where a geology expedition in the Amazon (the rain forest, not the online retailer that makes $1.5 trillion dollars a month) finds a skeleton of a webbed non-human hand, totally la’gooned me out. If just the hand was that scary, then seeing who it belonged to was surely gonna be a pant-filling moment. And…IT WAS.

To further make mockery of freshly laundered britches comes the Universal Monsters Creature from the Black Lagoon Fossilized Creature Hand Scaled Prop Replica. Coming in July 2023 from Factory Entertainment™, the hand, with an outstretched middle finger (yes, it’s flipping us off), preorders for $79.99. That’s less than a co-pay visit to my proctologist, Dr. “Big Finger” Linderman, whose misshapen digits look EXACTLY like that of the Creature. Probably feels like it, too.

From Factory Entertainment™: “The high quality, scaled prop replica of the fossilized creature hand unearthed at the start of 1954’s Creature from the Black Lagoon is a must have for fans! This stunning heavy duty scaled prop replica is molded out of solid metal and features a display stand. Each scaled replica comes in collector packaging. Measures 7” tall x 6” wide x 6” long.” 

While you wait for me to make more jokes about personal space violations, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not make you feel uncomfortable as…

SKINAMARINK / January 13, 2023 (Limited), TBD 2023 (Shudder™)

“Two children wake up in the middle of the night to find their father is missing and all the windows and doors in their home have vanished. To cope with the strange situation, the two bring pillows and blankets to the living room and settle into a quiet slumber party situation. They play well worn videotapes of cartoons to fill the silence of the house and distract from the frightening and inexplicable situation. All the while in the hopes that eventually some grown-ups will come to rescue them. However, after a while it becomes clear that something is watching over them.”

I bet that “something” is Casper the Friendly Skinamarink

DEATH KNOT / January 17, 2023 (VOD)

“After the death of their estranged mother, two siblings return home and are immediately confronted by angry villagers who claim their mother was a practitioner of a dangerous brand of black magic behind multiple mysterious deaths.”

Villagers historically have anger issues, famously going back to the Salem witch burning days and Victor Frankenstein’s Goth body modifications. And you don’t wanna know the uproar that followed when the “open 24-hours” Village 7-Eleven™ only stayed open 23 hours. Sheer anarchy.

HOSHI 35 / Release pending 2023 (DVD)

MRTS has shared an exclusive first look at their next kaiju film, Hoshi 35. ‘Hoshi’ means ‘star’ in Japanese and, like the English word, has several meanings. The movie, which will use traditional Japanese FX techniques, will be directed by Hiroto Yokokawa.”

This new kaiju is so cool looking, the movie doesn’t need a plot. All it has to do is just stand there for 90 minutes. And maybe stomp on a few Big & Tall™ outlets.

KNIGHTS OF THE ZODIAC / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a goddess of war reincarnates in the body of a young girl, street orphan Seiya discovers that he is destined to protect her and save the world. But only if he can face his own past and become a Knight of the Zodiac.”

Once a goddess of war, always a goddess of war…but once a knight is enough.

Goth Threads, Bloodthirsty Lawnmower, Ghost Barge

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 22, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Gold brocade laced pants? Black jacquard waistcoat? Sapphire waist cincer corset? The fashion monster inside me wants out of its cage, all because I clicked on DraculaClothing.com. This clothing site, for all who live in the Darkness (or a drafty 450 ft one-bedroom apartment with insensitive neighbors), is one-stop shopping for vampire, Goth, and steampunk suits, dresses, coats, ties, jewelry, accessories, corsets, and more.

Located in the Czech Republic, Dracula Clothing’s elegantly evil fashions will unleash your inner cosplay or further define your style esthetic, all at extremely affordable prices. (Under $200 dollars, or “Romanian Lei.”) And hey, free worldwide shipping. Minunat!

Who wouldn’t want to go to a snooty masquerade ball dressed to kill in a black brocade long vest with matching velvet officer pants, an onyx tie and a rhinestone skull necklace while you hover around the buffet table, looking to bite the necks of chilled shrimp appetizers? Now THAT would be freakin’ dernier cri!

While we go to DraculaClothing.com for a neck-to-nut, creature of the night wardrobe upgrade, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be stylish in the day OR night…

BLADES IN THE DARKNESS / Out now (VOD
“Tirana 1997. The chaos left by the fall of Communism has opened the doors to a bloody civil war. Matia, just a teenager, is harassed by his playmates. In an attempt to escape, he hides inside an abandoned bunker. In that spooky building, Matia will be the first to discover something scary and unthinkable that will change his whole life…a bloodthirsty horror armed with deadly blades.”

Sounds like my lawnmower has been moonlighting

MASK OF THE DEVIL / Out now (VOD)

“An intern in a porn movie production battles against the evil powers inhabiting an ancient tribal mask.”

I would very much like to be an intern on a porn movie production. Heck, I’ll pay them to hire me. Please. Don’t make me beg.

TERROR TALK / Out Now (Tubi™)

“When a virus outbreak causes widespread panic, a doomsday prepper retreats into his new house, believing that he’s safe from the dangers outside. He soon discovers his house is haunted by terrifying ghosts.”

Tough call — germs outside, ghosts inside. But it boils down to this: germs will make you a ghost, whereas ghosts can’t transmit germs. So yeah, new roommates. Problem solved. 

THE HAUNTING OF LADY-JANE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

The peaceful waterways of the English countryside are plagued by legends of Ràn — a water spirit who collects the bodies of sinful people along the river. After a disturbing incident left Lily emotionally scarred and estranged from her parents she decides to begin her life again. Now a socially aware writer on female empowerment, she decides to tour the country with Zara, whose journey of self-identity has led her to fully explore life. Lily met Zara through her blog, they decided to become travel companions. They see a chance to travel on a barge the Lady-Jane on the English canals. The journey upriver becomes increasingly bizarre and dangerous when canal ghosts surfaces, and the spirit known as Ràn torments them on their journey.

You know how to torment that super mean Ràn fellow? Pee and/or urinate over the side of the barge into the canal, or “British lap pool.”

The Artistry of Horror, Dracula’s Cousin, Ghost Sex

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Ghosts, paranormal, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

People imbued with the power of being able to read, and specifically this blog, know I’m a huge fan of horror movie poster art and the infinity more talented than me artists who design them. While many horror movie ad sheets are created in Photoshop (I learned PS in order to put my head on Chippendale™ dancer’s bodies), the best ones are hand-illustrated and often better than the movies themselves.

Here’s a select batch of some truly dazzling and ingenious takes on horror/sci-fi movies and links (click the artist names) to view some amazing portfolios. The Nope poster above was illustrated by Gilbert Posters (no relation, but that doesn’t stop me from implying credit during Happy Hour gatherings). The art for Smile was done by the insanely talented Nuno Sarnadas (who also did the posters for Prey and Aliens below).

Keith Goulette designed the wicked Black Phone art and you can find him swimming happily among a sea of other talented designers one redbubble.com. (Click his name to explore a whole new world of visual horror). Jack Gregory did the jaw-dropping Evil Dead art, as well as the freakishly beautiful art for Dawn of the Dead and Halloween Ends (click to see his portfolio). The It poster, which should’ve been used by the movie studio, was designed by Jorge Teles, who also did numerous takes on Batman.

While we’re not worthy and should throw away our design tools (for me it’s crayons, felt pen laundry markers, Etch A Sketch™), here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not need new cover art done with laundry markers…

THE CURSE OF DRACULA / Out now (VOD/DVD)

“Two small-time crooks scam tourists by organizing a guided tour of a creepy manor house rumored to be haunted by the cousin of Count Dracula. Their first group consist of a Swedish Satanist, two French Goths and a Russian porn director. But the tour descends into bloody chaos when they are confronted by a mysterious phantom wielding a circular saw.”

Dracula has a cousin? The Swedish are Satanists? The French are Goths? Russians are into porn? What kind of world did I just wake up in? Guess I’ll have to start hanging out with normal people, like that ghost guy with the gasoline-powered power tool. He seems cool.

AMITYVILLE THANKSGIVING / Out now (VOD)

“Jackie and Danny’s marriage has taken a turn for the worst. They turn to what they believe to be their only option, Amityville Couples Counselor Frank Domonico, a doctor with a hidden, sinister past, who recommends an isolated cabin retreat. Little do they know that the doctor plans to end their sessions, as well as their lives, with a devilish Thanksgiving dinner — and them as the main course!

So they’re gonna eat the unhappy, fighting married couple. Bet they’ll taste bitter. Heh. They can be washed down with Annulment Ale, though. That should make everyone very…hoppy.

PARASENSE: THE NAKED EXPERIMENTS / Out now (VOD)

Paranormal veteran, Ross Allison, focuses his attention on the physical aspects of being touched by a ghost. His struggle to prove these phenomena takes a crucial turn when a real scientist and inventor, Chad Goodwin, joins his team as they take naked subjects into the most haunted sites known for supernatural physical contact.”

The best part about having intimate relations with a poltergeist is you can ghost ’em afterward. 

EXORCIST BLOODLINE / Out now (VOD)

“After moving back into her childhood home, a young woman is possessed by a depraved evil spirit masquerading as her dead mother and must battle to save her mind, body and soul.”

For some of us, it’d be hard to differentiate between a depraved evil spirit and a deceased mom. Not me, though. My mom rocks. (Had to say that, as she reads this blog, and I don’t want to be sent to my room…YET AGAIN.)

Krampus Gifts, Teen Demons, Witch Grandmas

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Slashers, Vampires, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Looking for a way to make Christmas, birthdays and everyday more filled with horror than they already are? Then you need to check out Spooky Cat Press (click here) and peruse tons of awesome horror and horror movie-themed stuff, from gift wrap, greeting cards and coffee mugs (you could legally put cold booze in ’em if so desired), to clothing, phone cases and decor, which I believe is French for “decoration.” From their website: “Spooky Cat Press is an artist-owned Gothic & Horror shop with all the essentials for spooky gifting.”

Just in time for the holidays is a killer line of greeting cards: Horror Christmas, Zodiac Christmas, Halloween Christmas, Krampus Christmas and Zombie Christmas. And it doesn’t stop there — you can get cards for Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Gothic Witch, Tiki, and so much more, you’ll make giddy in your pants. I just bought the eight-piece Krampus Folklore Cards box set (only $16.75). Tomorrow I’ll tap into whatever’s left of my 401k to grab the Zombie Santa Cards set as well. Then I’ll go wash my pants.

So while you take most of the day to go through Spooky Cat Press’ vast catalog of coolness, here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you have to wash your pants… 

13 EXORCISMOS / Out now (VOD)

“After the strange behavior displayed by teenager Laura Villegas, her family calls a Vatican-sanctioned exorcist to intervene in the case of demonic possession. From there a series of strange phenomena appear.

Why the fuss? Demonic possession is merely a part of being a teen.

JACK & JILL: THE HILLS OF HELL / Out now (VOD), January 10, 2023 (DVD)

“While searching for her missing daughter, a woman discovers that Jack and Jill are fetching more than buckets of water.”

A horror movie based on a nursery rhymes from the 18th Century. Can’t wait for a horror movie based on “There once was a man from Nantucket…”

EVIL EYE (aka MAL DE OJO) / Out now (VOD)

“Nala, a thirteen-year-old girl from the city, travels with her family to her grandmother’s home in the countryside to try to find a cure for her little sister’s mysterious illness. But she’ll soon find her granny is not exactly what she seems.”

Granny is not exactly what she seems? Either “she’s” a cross-dressing grandpa or a wrinkled witch who makes killer cookies. Hope it’s both. (Okay, all of that was just…weird.)

8 FOUND DEAD / Pending release 2022/2023

“Two couples drive to a secluded house in the desert for a weekend getaway; each with their own baggage, expectations, and secrets. Upon their arrival, each couple is met by two strangers, claiming to have rented the house as well. A couple of local sheriffs help the audience navigate the depraved and violent events of the evening, but what starts out as a ‘simple misunderstanding’ ends in an all-night bloodbath.”

All-night bloodbath. Sounds like a typical Saturday night at the Tug Tavern.

Hellraising Kids, Corpse Condo, Krisp Kringle

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

You’ve already been to Hell and back (some of us more often than others), so why not show your little hellraisers how to do the same? Now you can with the Shape Shifting Hellraiser Puzzle Box — for kids! 

A sort of demonic Jack-in-the-Box™, Hellraiser’s infamous Lament Configuration is used to call on Cenobites to tear your soul (and flesh and pants) apart with extra-large fishing hooks so that you may experience the ultimate pain and pleasure. (As if last call didn’t cover both.) And it’s now available at Wal-Mart™ for a wallet-piercing $25.99.

From the marketing statement: “Marketed as a STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math) building toy, the Hellraiser Puzzle Box can move and change shape like in the movie. It can be an educational toy to help children build self-esteem and confidence, develop spatial awareness, train memory skills, and exercise hand-eye coordination.”

Uh…wow. So cancel culture can unilaterally ban R-rated high school books, but a demonic puzzle box to summon extra-dimensional sadomasochism Goth leather demons from another realm is okay for kids? As f’d in the b-hole as this sounds, at least your child playing with the Lament Configuration is a safer than high school.

So while you’re contemplating the ramifications of your kid being able to summon flesh fetish demons, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cause you the ultimate pain and/or pleasure…

KRAMPUS: THE RETURN / Out now (Tubi™)

“When Lisa and her friends go looking for answers behind her brother’s mysterious death, they discover he was a victim of the infamous Christmas demon.”

Yet another “Anti-Claus” movie that does little to explore the real horror of Christmas. For instance, did you know Krampus uses candy canes as rectal thermometers on kids who’ve been bad all year? I didn’t just make that up.

THE OFFERING / Out now (VOD)

“In the wake of a young Jewish girl’s disappearance, the son of a Hasidic funeral director returns home with his pregnant wife in hopes of reconciling with his father. Little do they know that directly beneath them in the family morgue, an ancient evil lurks inside a mysterious corpse with sinister plans for the unborn child.”

I suppose if I were an ancient evil (then again, I may already be), I’d totally hide out in a mysterious corpse. Seems like it’d be cozy, if not a bit sticky and freshness-expired. Don’t think I’d have sinister plans outside of discharging a couple of well-timed formaldehyde farts during funerals. That would be super fun.

NO DEJES DE GRABAR 2 / Out now (VOD)

Jonathan, a businessman who lives in Paris, decides to go to Barcelona to investigate the crimes that happened eight years ago. Along the way, he meets a mysterious man who tells him that he, too, is looking for clues. Jonathan finds himself at a crossroads full of mysteries, paranormal events and terrible situations, but nothing will stop him until he finds out the truth of what is happening in that building, now abandoned.”

The movie’s Spanish title translates to Do Not Stop Recording. Can’t tell you how many heavy metal vomit parties I attended where, after assisting with the draining of sacrificial kegs, how those exact words keep coming back to haunt me.

SHADOWS / November 15, 2022 (VOD)

“Alma and Alex, two teenage sisters, are survivors of a catastrophic event. They live deep in the woods with their mother, a strict, overprotective woman who has sheltered them from ominous presences, the Shadows, which live in the daylight and infest the world beyond the river. When they follow mother out for hunting, Alma and Alex start a series of events which will make them discover the truth about the Shadows and their own reality.”

I’ll take the Shadows over a strict mom any day. The Shadows won’t make me clean my room, finish my vegetables and do my homework. Not that I ever did what I was told, mind you. In your face, responsible parenting.

Death Whistles, Cursed Videos, Goth Vegans

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, paranormal, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 27, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The four best words you’ll hear all year: Screaming Aztec Death Whistle. Not a movie, but it could/should be, this is an actual handmade charcoal and ceramic wheeze pipe that emulates a woman screaming, though you don’t need a whistle for that.

Called “De Itzcoehua,” this mouth flute sells on Amazon™ for $34.95 and, when blown properly, reaches 125+ decibels. That’s akin to grooving to some soothing sandblasting, a Metallica concert or standing next to a pneumatic riveter, which also sounds like a Metallica concert.

From the sales pitch: “Terrifying instruments of religion and war were used by Ancient Aztecs to summon spirits and create horror and fear wherever they went. These whistles emit a scream that sounds like a woman being tortured in horrible agony.”

Suitable not just for Halloween, but whenever you’re in a traffic jam, Starbucks™ or a maternity ward, the Screaming Aztec Death Whistle is the must-own knick-knack for any season.

While you put your lips together and blow, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you scream like you were being tortured…

SADAKO DX / October 28, 2022 (VOD)

“People who watch a cursed video suddenly die. These deaths take place all over Japan. Ayaka Ichijo is an extremely smart graduate student with an IQ of 200. Her younger sister happens to watch the cursed video for fun. Ayaka tries to reveal the mystery of the video.”

Um, isn’t this the same plot as Ringu (1998), Spiral (1998) and Ringu 2 (1999)? Maybe it’s the same film, but the actors are wearing different clothes.

EATING MISS CAMPBELL / October 31, 2022 (VOD)

“A vegan-goth high school student falls in love with her new English teacher and develops a problematic taste for human flesh.”

Whatever it takes to get a passing grade, although being both vegan AND goth is a better horror movie idea.

SUPER Z / October 31, 2022 (VOD)

“The adventures of a family of genetically modified super-zombies.”

They all eat dinner together. And hey — no dishes to wash afterward!

THE CONCLAVE OF SHADOWS / October 31, 2022 (VOD)

” The end of the world begins today and here.”

That doesn’t go very far in telling us what this is about. Bad business model if the end of world begins today, right when you’re putting the movie out. This is also being called, El Cónclave de Las Sombras. I have no idea what that translates to.

Vampire Shirts, Florida Bigfoot, Giant Chicks

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , on September 29, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Interview With The Vampire, based on the 1976 horror Goth literary bible by author Anne Rice, premiered November 1994. It had handsome, albeit emotionally turbulent vampires, frilly shirts, deep throating, and — get this — even MORE frilly shirts, MORE vampires and MORE deep throating. It’s like a frilly shirt with extra frills.

Now AMC has rebooted the immortal story into a series and its already been renewed for a second season — ahead of the first season’s debut on October 2, 2022. Unlike vampires, this doesn’t suck and means we’re likely in for one heck of a fang bang.

The original movie’s plot: “A vampire tells his epic life story of love, betrayal, loneliness, and hunger.” 

Boo-hoo. Why do Emo vampires always feel sorry for themselves? How about some cheese to go with that whine? Heck, vampires get to live forever, barring confrontations with churchifixes, medium-rare stakes and bothersome Vitamin D-enriched daylight. They can shape-shift (handy when your first choice restroom is occupied and your bladder is about to go Defcon #1), party all night and sleep all day, and never have to go to the dentist (vampires prefer overbites to braces).

While we’re trying to picture a vampire with Invisline™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have frilly shirts in ’em…

THE WILD MAN / September 30, 2022 (Digital)

“Young women have been going missing in Ochopee, FL without a single suspect in custody. Sara, a young journalist, convinces her crew to join her investigation as she travels to Ochopee to document her discoveries, but they soon realize their presence in town is not welcome. What they discover is a secret deeper than fairy tales and legends — it’s much darker and more sinister than bargained for.”

What could be darker and more sinister than naming your town ‘Ochopee’? Geez, how do you even pronounce it? I think I got the “pee” part right, though. I usually do.

MYSTERY SPOT / October 7, 2022 (Digital/VOD)

“A number of lost souls find refuge in a small motel in the middle of nowhere, its only distinguishing characteristic being the ruins of an old Mystery Spot — a long-dead roadside attraction with strange metaphysical powers. Everyone at the Mystery Spot will be affected by its unique properties, but only some will survive its reality-shattering implications.”

I should like to visit this Mystery Spot so as to be imbued with unique properties. The ones I currently have aren’t pulling their weight. Indestructible liver, my ass.

SPIRIT HALLOWEEN: THE MOVIE / October 11, 2022 (VOD)

“When a Spirit Halloween™ store opens in a deserted strip mall, three middle school friends who think they’ve outgrown trick or treating make a dare to spend the night locked inside the store Halloween night. But they soon find out that the store is haunted by an angry evil spirit who has possessed the creepy animatronic characters. The kids will need to embark on a thrilling and spooky adventure in order to survive the night and avoid becoming possessed themselves.”

So a Halloween movie about the real-life Halloween pop-up superstore with socially-arrogant kids locked in it. You might wanna ask permission from Chopping Mall (1986) if it’d be okay to steal their plot.

GIANTESS BATTLE ATTACK / October 2022 (Full Moon Features Channel/Amazon Prime Video)

“Beverly Wood is one of the biggest stars on social media. Millions of fans subscribe to her sexy cam shows and buy her products and it seems like everyone loves her. Everyone that is except her husband and Fuschia, the young upstart who secretly plots to bring Beverly down and take over her online empire forever!”

“But when Beverly’s latest — and untested — brand ‘Unholy Meat-rimony’ gives her some gargantuan side effects, she becomes an even BIGGER force to be reckoned with! Ballooning to beastly proportions, the now 50 foot tall influencer becomes super large, totally in charge and ready for revenge in this wacky comedy that’s positively bursting at the seams!”

Never understood why women who grow into giants (i.e., Attack of the 50-foot Woman/1958) have their clothes grow as well. It’s just not fair, dang it.

Mastering Shadows, Extreme Physicians, Horny Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 2, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Master of Dark Shadows

If you were a fan of the Goth horror soap opera Dark Shadows (1966 — 1971), then you’ll no doubt make happy happen in your pants over the April 16, 2019 release of Master of Dark Shadows, a comprehensive celebration of the legendary daytime series and its visionary creator, Dan Curtis. If you have no idea what the heckaroo I’m talking about, you can find the massively influential series on Amazon Prime™ and even some boot-leggy low-res versions on YouTube™ and get with the program.

Master of Dark Shadows

From the press release: “In 1966, a phenomenon was launched when Dark Shadows debuted on ABC-TV as a daily Gothic suspense series. Airing in the late afternoon, the show attracted a massive youth audience as it shifted to the supernatural with the introduction of vulnerable vampire Barnabas Collins. Witches, ghosts, werewolves and scary story lines turned Dark Shadows into a TV classic that led to motion pictures, remakes, reunions and legions of devoted fans who have kept the legend alive for five decades.”

Master of Dark Shadows

While we wait for Master of Dark Shadows to bring us back to a time when vampires, witches, ghosts, and werewolves finally got some mainstream moments in the spotlight, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have you making happy in your pants…

Black Site

BLACK SITE (April 9, 2019)
Ren Reid was orphaned as a child when a member of an ancient race known as the Elder Gods killed her parents. Twenty years have passed; and a fractured Ren now works for Artemis, an organization set up to contain and then deport these entities back to where they came from. When the Elder God responsible for Ren’s childhood tragedy is caught and brought to the Black Site for deportation, Ren must partner with an unlikely ally as the last line of defense against a wave of worshipers hellbent on releasing their deity back into the world. With the facility on lock-down and the enemy closing in, Ren has just hours to avenge her parents and prove once and for all that she is worthy of wearing the Artemis uniform.”

I hate it when the Elder Gods yell at me to get off their lawn. The plot, though, seems a bit top heavy; why can’t they just loose half the cast and put in all-purpose explosions and car chase scenes?

Hi-Death

HI-DEATH (2019)
“From the makers of Hi-8, five new twisted tales showcasing the talents of both veteran and emerging horror filmmakers. When two young women take the “Terror Tour” through the underbelly of Hollywood, they are led into a bizarre world of unspeakable horror. Their first stop proves that “Death Has a Conscience,” but doesn’t spare the unlucky souls who stumble into his path. Next, a meeting with the “Dealers of Death” exposes the perils of collecting murder memorabilia. Then, it’s off to a quick “Night Drop”, where your next movie rental may be your last. An actress’ worst nightmare unfolds as she is forced to perform a terrifying “Cold Read”, and our Terror Tour comes to a disturbing end as we meet the ancient, seductive evil known as “The Muse”.”

For a couple other cool horror compendiums, give V/H/S (2012) and/or ABCs of Death (2012) anthologies a whack. You can thank me later.

Patients of a Saint

PATIENTS OF A SAINT (2019)
“When medical trials are pushed to their limits, the most extreme tests take place on St. Leonards island, home to a re-purposed prison for some of the world’s most violent criminals. But when one experiment goes horribly wrong, the entire prison becomes a diseased riddled maze for desperate survivors.”

Extreme medical procedures have been going on for a long time. Just ask my proctologist.

Snatchers

SNATCHERS (2019)
Sara is one of the cool kids; she’s got the right friends, makes the right jokes…and is totally terrified of losing her status. She’d be a lot more secure if she could win back her super-hot ex, Skyler, but he’s not interested unless they move to the next level. Sara decides to take the plunge without protection, but soon discovers Skyler isn’t just horny like a normal teenage boy. Something changed on his summer trip to Mexico. Something…extraterrestrial! Sara wakes up the next morning nine-months pregnant.”

Skylar is a super-hot horny teen alien who doesn’t practice safe sex? Today’s teens have all the fun.

 

The Blank Expression of Horror

Posted in Misc. Horror, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bruiser

Henry’s life sucks. His wife plays with his boss’ not-so-private parts. His best friend and stockbroker have robbed him blind. His upscale house is left in construction limbo because he’s overdrawn at the bank. His housekeeper is swiping valuable drink coasters. Everywhere he goes, somebody is always wiping their feet on him.

Bruiser

No big surprise when Henry wakes up one morning to find his face gone: a completely white mug — no features except for his mouth and two pinholes for eyes. He looks like a crash-test dummy. Where Henry was the Invisible Man before, he now becomes the Phantom of the Opera, skulking around with a fedora and black cape, looking to balance karmic scales.

Bruiser

He catches his wife riding his boss’ baloney pony and tosses her out a four-story window. See ya! He corners his stockbroker in a locker room and cuts his losses with a bullet to the Izod. Later, alligator. He gets in a little batting practice with his housekeeper’s head. Base hit!

Bruiser

Henry is able to do as a faceless man what he couldn’t do as a browbeaten corporate schmuck. While there is blood and a head being squashed by a train wheel, Bruiser (2000) is more of a character story and not a bowel-chewing special effects flick.

 Bruiser

The ending seemed tacked on, but it put a grin on my faceful face. Two more in the plus column: Henry’s wife is really hot and we get to see her unfaithful nudity, and white-faced punk Goths, The Misfits play at Henry’s boss’ party where Henry upstages them all. Too bad Henry didn’t turn into a zombie and just eat everybody’s faces instead of losing his.