Archive for Goth

Alien Jockeys, Bad Students, Pool Monsters

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 28, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien

You’ll be visibly shaken to find out the fossilized, giant space alien in 1979’s Alien (one of the movie’s iconic scenes) was replicated as a scale model that measured slightly over 3’ x3’. That’s so emotionally crushing as all these years I though that thing was 100’ x100’. Next, someone will tell me there’s no such thing as Krampus. I don’t think I could handle that.

Alien

What’s more shocking is that the space jockey model, previously owned by 20th Century Fox Executive Peter Beale, was put up for grabs by Nate D. Sanders Autographs and Memorabilia Auction with a starting bid of $100,000 smackos. Here’s the sales pitch:

“Scarce model from the 1979 film Alien of the famed Space Jockey character aboard the Derelict Spaceship’, designed and hand-painted by H.R. Giger. One of the most recognizable scenes in sci-fi cinema, the haunting Space Jockey aka The Pilot, found dead aboard the alien spaceship, was conceived and designed by famed Swiss surrealist painter, sculptor and visual effects artist H.R. Giger, whose work on Alien won an Academy Award in 1980.”

H.R. Giger

The auction ended successfully with someone coughing up the mega space bucks for the model. I would’ve bid on it, but I left $100,000 around here somewhere. Probably stuck between couch cushions or in a pair of not-so-fresh britches I threw into a 3’ x 3’ pile of laundry that needs to be washed and/or salvaged by the Nostromo.

So yeah, denied. While you make plans to join me for a candlelight vigil, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cost $100,000 to rent…

Grey Agenda

GREY AGENDA (available now)
“When a group of friends go missing, the local police are shocked at the return of a mysterious stranger. While searching for their missing friends, they uncover a dark secret and the truth behind the ‘Grey Agenda’.”

Abducted by aliens or everyone just at the mall? While I have yet to be abducted by extraterrestrials, I have fallen prey to the black hole pull of the mall. Man, you could spend days in there and no one would even know.

Creep 2

CREEP 2 (available now)
“Sara is a video artist whose primary focus is creating intimacy with lonely men. After finding an ad online for ‘video work’ she thinks she may have found the subject of her dreams. She drives to a remote house in the forest and meets a man claiming to be a serial killer. Unable to resist the chance to create a truly shocking piece of art, she agrees to spend the day with him, but discovers she may have dug herself a hole from which she cannot escape.”

Didn’t see all of the original Creep (2014) movie. I got through the first 10 minutes and was distracted by the mall and felt a driving need to go there. I just couldn’t help myself. I’ll go back and watch it, but first I need to get down to the mall; Hot Topic™ is having a 2-for-1 sale on faux Goth products. Score!

Dismissed

DISMISSED (November 21, 2017/VOD)
“An idealistic, straight-laced English teacher is drawn down a nightmarish rabbit hole by an honor roll student who will stop at nothing to get an ‘A.’”

Is this even a horror movie? At least they got the title right.

Nereus

NEREUS (2018)
“A young girl is attacked by an unearthly creature in her friend’s swimming pool. Later, she discovers that anyone who comes into contact with the water is in danger and she is driven to confront the mystical and malevolent creature lurking in the depths.”

Probable spoiler: The “unearthly creature” could be an unpackaged Baby Ruth™ candy bar, which looks a heckuva lot like a pool monster. Can’t think of anything else that would resemble the dark brown and peanut lumpy treat. Except maybe a Mountain Bar™.

Hell Kids, Hell Zombies, Hell Stuff

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Stranger Things 2 / A Nightmare on Elm Street

As you/me/I/us/them/they wait IMPATIENTLY for Stranger Things 2 (premiering Friday, October 27, 2017), news comes down the super fun happy slide the surprise horror hit has already been renewed for a third season. I needed some good news after waiting all day for that !@#$ “once-in-a-lifetime” eclipse to somehow destroy the world. (I know the eclipse was for free, but dang — I feel gypped.)

The new Stranger Things 2 key art is a slick homage to 1984’s A Nightmare on Elm Street. When you think about it, sleep slasher Freddy Krueger’s dream state world is the ‘80s version of Stranger Thing’s The Upside Down alternate universe/dimension/golf course. Regardless, I’ll have to go back to hoping for Melancholia to smash into this toilet Earth for my world-destroying fantasies.

While we wait for that planet to pinball ours, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to help cope with the disappointing, non-destructo eclipse

Little Evil

LITTLE EVIL (September 1, 2017/Netflix)
“Gary just married Samantha, only to find out that her 6-year-old son is the Antichrist.”

This horror comedy sounds fun/ny. But if the kid is the son of the Antichrist, does that men Samantha is the Mom Antichrist, or is this one of those, “it takes a village” things?

Hellriser

HELLRISER (October 9, 2017/UK)
“When their city is rocked by a series of brutal occult murders, veteran detective John Locke and his young partner Terri Keyes are forced to put aside their differences and follow the trail of evidence to a formerly abandoned asylum, where the new owner Dr. Unnseine is conducting his own brand of Nazi-inspired “medical research” on the unwilling inmates. One such inmate, the sexy but deadly Annie Dyer, may hold the key to the murders — and to the doorway to Hell itself — if only Locke and Keyes can stay alive long enough to discover what it is.”

Dawn of the Dead / Land of the Dead

As much as you’d think this is one of those Asylum Studio rip-offs, it is, unfortunately, from another source of rip-offery. Obviously, the title is lifted from Clive Barker’s Hellraiser (1987). Then there’s the “When there’s no more room in Hell…” kicker line on the key art, a bold shoplift from 1978’s Dawn of the Dead. Wondering why the filmmakers didn’t just put it all on the glass and have the zombies wearing Goth leather and walking around with nails in their heads, like those teens at the mall.

Hagazussa: A Heathen's Curse

HAGAZUSSA: A HEATHEN’S CURSE (2018)
“Set in the 15th Century in the Austrian Alps, Hagazussa takes us back to a dark period when pagan beliefs of witches spread fear into the minds of the rural folk exploring the thin line between ancient beliefs, magic and delusional psychosis.”

Ancient beliefs, magic and delusional psychosis. That may be f’d up for those in the Austrian Alps, but for me it’s just another night at The Poggie Tavern. I like witches, though. The sexy ones on TV, not the stinky kind at the bar who smell like room temperature Steel Reserve malt liquor.

Still/Born

STILL/BORN (2018)
“Mary, a new mother who lost one of her twins in childbirth, struggles with the loss. She starts to suspect something sinister is after her surviving child — a supernatural entity that has chosen her child and will stop at nothing to take it from her.”

They kinda hand this one to us one a parsley-garnished platter — the “supernatural entity” is the twin that didn’t make it to market. (A theory, not a conclusion.) By the way, do you want me to tell you what you’re getting for Christmas?

Death Notes, Punk Rock, Bigfoot, The X-Files

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Beach Massacre at Kill Devil Hills

YouTube™ is such a glorious wasteland of video treasures. Why, if it weren’t for YT, I’d have never known about all those alien bases and artifacts on the Moon. And all those haunted house “documentaries”? Yep, full of real ghosts that you can talk to.

Don’t get me started on all the Bigfoot videos, though. I love seeing my favorite furry friend on TV (I don’t go into the woods — too many icky bugs live there), but people, you need to give him a break. The poor guy can’t even scratch his swimsuit area and smelling his fingers without someone filming it and uploading the footage for the entire world to see. Embarrassing doesn’t begin to decribe the blatant invasion of privacy.

Speaking of things that should or shouldn’t be seen, here’s some upcoming horror vids to full your tube with…

BEACH MASSACRE AT KILL DEVIL HILLS (2017/summer)
“When Stacy’s abusive ex-husband Jason gets out of prison, she decides to take their daughter Lizzie and her four best friends to her parents beach house. Soon their peaceful plans turn into a nightmare. Who will survive the night?”

Extremely clunky title. How dare they do this to me/you/us/they? And Lizzie has four best friends? Probably not for long by the looks of the movie’s ad poster.

The Rangers

THE RANGER (2017/2018)
“A group of teen punks who get in trouble with the cops. The punks escape to the woods to hide out where they come up against the local authority, an unhinged park ranger with an axe to grind, hell-bent on preserving the serenity of his forest.”

Punk rockers in the woods? Dumb maneuver — if they would’ve gone to the mall, they’d blend in and basically become invisible. Who knew Hot Topics™ could be good for something other than dressing teens in over-priced Goth crap?

Death Note: Light Up The New World

DEATH NOTE: LIGHT UP THE NEW WORLD (2017)
“Set ten years after the events of the previous films, society is afflicted with cyber-terrorism and six different Death Notes have fallen to the human world. In the midst of this two new individuals inherit the DNA of Light Yagami and L, both of who play a deadly game of cat-and-mouse once again.”

This actually came out in Japan in October of 2016, but we’re still waiting for it to knock on our video doors. Maybe it already has. I’ve been busy and didn’t really double-check. I’ve seen the first Death Note (2006) movie; Pretty wild stuff. It revolves around a book that, when someone scribbles a name in it, that person becomes scribbled…to death. While it plays more like a crime mystery, there’s a really freaky punk glam creature that only the holder of the Death Note book can see, who floats around you while you’re trying to grocery shop and/or planning on who to scribble next.

The X-Files

THE X-FILES (2018)
Agents Muldar and Scully are back for another season (#11) — 10 episodes instead of the six we got last year, which had to cram in way too much stuff to catch everybody up to speed, thereby making that season a hot mess. Still, I’m a huge X-Files fan and am giddy at the thought of another season. I hope they add more flying saucers — those things are cool.

New Age Gargoyles

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Curse of the Talisman

In Curse of the Talisman (2001), an ancient curse unleashes a flock of evil gargoyles that are compelled to adhere to the curse’s rule of die, kill, bleed. Good for them.

This happened in London’s village of Yorkshire (home of that expensive pudding) in 1100 A.D. Artifacts of the gargoyles made its way through the magic of time to a modern museum of today. But a shifty shipper intercepts one of the gargoyle statues and a Goth talisman necklace and sells it to a New Age bookstore (run by a guy who looks more like a motorcycle thug than someone who would own a New Age bookstore), thereby setting into motion the return of the gargoyles.

Curse of the Talisman

Enter a British priest hot on the trail of the talisman. No one likes pompous Limeys demanding things, so they give him a good ’ol U.S. run-around. The gargoyle, now flying around and killing people, wants the talisman as well. Seems he needs it to release his winged brothers of doom from inside the thirty or so statuettes on display at the museum.

Curse of the Talisman

There’s a LOT of pointless running around/running away just to get to the showdown at the museum. The gargoyles, which look like death metal seagulls, belong in a Gremlins (1984) movie where they’d be more at home alongside stuffed toys with teeth. As far as ancient curses go, you’d be better off with a case of medieval jock itch.

Evil Bathrobe

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 18, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Evilmakers

A voluptuous chick has nightmares, so she takes off her shirt. This is clearly the right thing to do when confronted by the unknown.

Her Goth girlfriend picks her up and, after meeting up with friends (a large chick and a reverse attractive large chick), head for the beach to score with men with boogie boards.

EvilmakerThe party car only makes it a few miles out of town, so the girls walk right into an unlocked furnished house with plenty of booze and nobody home. Mysterious voices pester the boob-gifted chick, so she takes her clothes off and hops in the bathtub. Again, she has what it takes to smash evil.

Evilmaker

The biggest drawback (besides the food stamp-esque budget), is the Evilmaker turns out to be the chick’s ghost ex-boyfriend in a discount black bathrobe. And not an absorbent bathrobe, either. (P.S. Not a spoiler – they practically hand it to you in the beginning as if an obligation-free cheese sandwich.)

The Evilmaker

Explained in flashbacks, he was caught cheating on her (that butt!) and was chopped up by an axe. Neither deeds are shown onscreen, and it only gets worse when the reverse attractive large chick exposes one of her Sarah Lee™-filled poundcakes.

So how evil is Evilmaker (2000)? About the same as a discount black bathrobe.

There’s A Werewolf In My Mouth

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wolf House

It’s always amazing when new horror movies rip off old horror movies and think no one will connect the dots. A new example of this comes in the form of Wolf House, a supernatural horror movie due out early 2017. It goes like this…

“Six friends on a camping trip think they have discovered and killed a Sasquatch. But what they have actually unleashed is something more evil, more ancient and more deadly than they could ever imagine – an army of supernatural terrors that will hunt them until no one remains…”

The Company of Wolves

That meets my eco concerns. However, their advertising art steals DIRECTLY from 1984’s Goth horror The Company of Wolves, a modern re-spinning of the Red Riding Hood fairy tale. The story is different from Wolf House, but the ad art is either an homage or bold faced thievery. I’m thinkin’ felony burglary here.

The Company of Wolves

The Company of Wolves, by the way, is a must-see for fans of werewolf movies. That thing is loaded with ’em to the point where you don’t know who is a misanthrope lycanthrope (science name for a people hating were-person) or a bipedal hominid (science name for you).

My science name is Led Sapien.

Screaming Insects & Oatmeal

Posted in Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 6, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shredder Orpheus

Hell has its own television network – and (gasp!) they need new prime time talent. Unfortunately, the Boys from Down Under have recruited a newly-wedded rock star’s bride for the position. (Dang, he didn’t even have sufficient time to feel her up).

Shredder Orpheus

The saddened hubby, a post-apocalyptic skater Goth punk who wears a headband, grabs his electric lyre (or “pocket harp”), hops a skateboard and goofy foots his way through the Netherworld in search of his kidnapped Goth biscuit. He eventually finds her, but she doesn’t want him anymore because she’s damned for all eternity (the measurement of time, not the over-priced perfume of the same name).

Shredder OrpheusAnd what does he get for all his efforts? A chainsaw to the neck. But not before he blurts out the winning line: “I’ve dedicated my life to the sounds of metal insects screaming in a wall of oatmeal.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt that same way.

Shredder Orpheus

Shredder Orpheus (1989), a pre-grunge twist on the Greek myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, was made and filmed in Seattle, were I’ve staked my claim since way before this obscure ditty came out. I wasn’t asked to be in it. Now everybody who was are can’t-walk-down-the-street famous, whereas I, to date, am not.