Devil Barf, Ghost Coffins, Head Removal

How could 1973’s The Exorcist not be what the guy at the grocery store says is the scariest horror movie ever made when it has everything: religion gone wild, spin class barfing, multisyllabic naughty words, skull rotation, crucifix polishing, Latin beerspeak, demon boners… You’d have to go to church — or the Tug Tavern — to get that kind of party. Or do you? Now you can own an exquisitely detailed 1/10th scale model of the devil-possessed 12-year-old Regan MacNeil in her iconic bed pose right before she did a soul swap with backup priest Father Karras, making him jump out a five-story window onto the unrepentant cement stairs below…and Jesus not catching him.

From Iron Studios™ and BigBadToys.com: “Confined and restrained in her room on a bed with a padded headboard and foot-board to protect its occupant, a demonic evil entity possesses the body of a preteen girl, making her body physically distorted and covered in wounds. All the diabolic spirit that lives in her body wishes for is to cause the death of its innocent host. Considered by many as the most terrifying movies of all time, Iron Studios present their Possessed Regan MacNeil statue of the bedeviled protagonist from The Exorcist, one of the greatest horror films ever.”

While this limited edition statue doesn’t come accessorized with action puke (you can load up at the Tug Tavern), the model is hand-painted and made of bible-resistant polystone. And it will possess your wallet for $219.99 (estimated arrival 3rd quarter 2023). A suggestion would be to raid the nearest collection plate.

While you’re in confession (10 Hail Bloody Marys usually gets me off the hook —and puts me on other ones), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you shout at the Devil — or your shoes… 

OPEN THE COFFIN / Out now (YouTube™)

“A detective investigates supernatural mystery murders that seem to be the result of a curse.”

Where would supernatural murder mysteries be without curses? That’s like having a used car sale without balloons.

IVANNA / Out now (YouTube™)

“A beautiful young woman, who has limited vision, and her family and friends are terrorized when they celebrate Lebaran at an old house in the Bandung area. She has visions of the previous owner, a Dutch woman named Ivanna who was murdered during the Japanese invasion of Indonesia in 1943. Now, Ivanna’s spirit has returned to the house seeking revenge.”

The ghost of Ivanna decapitates her victims. This no doubt is what’s causing the drastic decline of comb sales in Bandung.

KUNTILANAK 3 / Out now (YouTube™)

“Dinda, who is considered strange by the village children because of her strength, accidentally injures Panji and Ambar. Regretting her actions, Dinda asks Aunt Dona to register her at the Mata Hati School, so that she can learn to control her power.”

Just think of what you can do with super strength — open stuck peanut butter jar lids. Give me a minute and I’ll think of another one.

AMBER ROAD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Amber Road is a hidden place in the digital universe where anything can be bought, sold and traded. It is a place where a person can fulfill their darkest desire or unleash their deepest depravity. And once you travel down that path, there comes a point where you can never return. A husband and wife awaken to find themselves trapped in a basement dungeon apparently at the hands of a serial killer driven by the demands and requests of sick and demented individuals finding a community on the dark web.”

Is it just me, or does this darkest desire digital universe sound like Amazon.com?

Monster Boat, UFO Lyft, Shark Sham

It’s called Pangeos, a Kaiju-sized, solar-powered floating city that can hold 60,000 people and sail indefinitely around the world with no emissions. The same cannot be said for Gamera and/or Godzilla, as emissions or “radioactive bodily discharges,” are part of their weapons arsenal. With those kinds of stats, though, no one should get sticker shock at the vessel’s “eight years to build, $8 billion to make” price tag.

From Lazzarini Design Studio’s website, the designers behind this staggering monolithic concept: “Pangeos is named in honor of the Pangea super-continent that existed millions of years ago during the late Paleozoic and early Mesozoic eras.” I didn’t understand a word of that. But Lazzarini, whose name sounds like an expensive Italian cocktail garnished with a bread stick, says the colossal catamaran “is a mix between a five-star resort, a cruise ship and a city, and can accommodate as many as 60,000 guests via a combination of villas and apartments. Other highlights include a rooftop mall, sprawling gardens, several pools and a supersized beach club. Naturally, the yacht is fitted with helipads, hangars and marinas to store choppers, toys and tenders.” Naturally. 

The boat is obviously inspired by Pacific Rim’s (2013) Jaegers (gigantic humanoid mechas — “To beat monsters, we had to build monsters”). As such, the Gamera-shaped floating city that can hold tens of thousands of screaming citizens, is a next-level boat, referred to as a Teryacht, which could easily be a name of a new Godzilla foe (or “nemesis”). Heck, the gargantuan gondola is so big, it could host at least 100 Gyaos on Spring Break.

In rough seas, the next sound you’ll hear is 60,000 people throwing up in unison. So while we wait for Pangeos to be built, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need Dramamine™ to watch…

MISSING 411: THE UFO CONNECTION / December 13, 2022 (VOD)

“In his third documentary, David Paulides reveals the first evidence documenting a link between UFOs and missing people.”

They’re not missing — they did a UFO ride-share to get off this toilet Earth. 

LULLABY / December 16, 2022 (VOD)

“A new mother discovers a lullaby in an ancient book and soon regards the song as a blessing. But her world transforms into a nightmare when the lullaby brings forth the ancient demon Lilith.”

All the really good lullabies are found in ancient books. That’s why they’re so in popular with new mothers. They get ‘em at ScaryMommy.com. Bet you didn’t know that’s a real website.

WATCHDOG / release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After narrowly escaping an armed robbery, Travis Wilkes invites the drifter who saved him back to the isolated home where he and his girlfriend reside, not realizing that he’s opened the door to a night of terror and brutal revenge.”

You want a night of brutality and terror, open the door to the Tug Tavern.

SHARK TRAP / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Every summer, the little island town of Ocean Point stirs with new life and pleasure-seeking vacationists. A water park is opening against the wishes of the local islanders. Nefarious business dealings leave a dead body in the water — and it draws a shiver of sharks to the area. The amusement park becomes a feeding ground for a great white shark.”

I thought a feeding ground WAS an amusement park for a shark. Given the over-chewed plot, clearly this is a shark movie made by people who’ve never seen a shark movie.

’70s Horror, Spanish Exorcisms, Funeral Fun

Was perusing Flashbak’s™ comprehensive dissertation (sorry — word of the day calendar) on 15 Reasons The 1970s Were The Best Decade In Horror Cinema. Unlike this blog, the article, written by Yeoman Lowbrow (fake or not, great name), is extremely well researched, and presents a detailed argument to support the claim.

Key to the thesis is the poster art for such lurid gems as I Spit On Your Grave (1978), Love Exorcist (1975) and The Toolbox Murders (1978), to must see feel-good movies as The Sinful Dwarf (1973), Nude For Satan (1974), and Deranged: Confessions of a Necrophile (1974). It was the gloriously gruesome art that first drew me down horror movie’s dark path I’m currently still trying to find my way off of. (Okay, not really.)

Sub-topic examples go from The Grit (genuine grime), What’s a Taboo? (pre-political correctness), Promotional Gimmicks (barf bags), Euro-Horror (La Orgia Nocturna De Los Vampires/1972, La Noche De Los Diablos/1972), Occult-Gone-Wild (The Omen/1976, The Sentinel/1977, Alucarda/1978), as well as Slow-Burn Horror, A Sequel-Free World and Nudity Aplenty (horror and boobies go together like beer and nachos ).

While you abandon the cart that is Drinkin’ & Drive-in™ and bounce on over to Flashbak’s™ encyclopedic essay (click down on it), here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as cool as spitting on graves and/or taking off your pants in the name of evil…  

LA EXORCISTA / Out now (VOD)

“Ofelia, a young nun recently arrived at the town of San Ramon, is forced to perform an exorcism on a pregnant woman. Just when it looks like the possession has ended, she discovers that the evil presence has not vanished.”

My mom couldn’t find an exorcist when she was knocked up with me. Dodged that bullet.

JACK FROST / Out now (VOD)

A family is terrorized by Jack Frost, a Christmas demon, and must learn their family’s dark secrets that link to why they are cursed. This Christmas, Jack will stop at nothing to exact his vengeance on those left in the bloodline.”

Christmas sure is lot more evil these days, what with all the evil Christmas trees, evil Santa Clauses, evil Mrs. Santa Clauses, evil elves, evil toys, evil reindeer… Miss the days when I was the most evil thing every Christmas.

CHRISTMAS CRAFT FAIR MASSACRE / December 13, 2022 (VOD)

“A holiday craft fair is ground zero for a coven of Satan worshipers who stalk and kidnap a group of locals in their attempt to create a ‘Satanic Nativity’ with occult spells and grisly slayings.”

Apparently Halloween is not enough for Satan worshippers. That community seems to be taking over all our cherished holidays. What’s next — Thanksgiving of the Damned? Malevolent Memorial Day? Villainous Valentine’s? Foul 4th of July? Those Satan loving asshats better not go anywhere near Groundhog’s Day…   

NUTCRACKER MASSACRE / December 2022 (VOD)

“Clara, a struggling, young romance novelist, receives an invitation from her beloved aunt to spend Christmas holidays with her. When she arrives at the secluded countryside cottage, sees that her aunt has a life-sized nutcracker doll by the Christmas tree. Something about the doll unnerves her. That night, at the stroke of midnight, the star on the Christmas tree glows, as do the eyes of the life-size nutcracker. It comes to life and kills a delivery man who has come to the house — and its reign of havoc has only just started…”

Outside of pro wrestling finishing moves, no guy was/is comfortable with the word “nutcracker.” Holiday nuts should be fondled, not cracked.

SCARE PACKAGE II: RAD CHAD’S REVENGE / December 2022 (Shudder™)

“When horror guru Rad Chad Buckley’s funeral turns into an elaborate series of hilarious death traps, the guests must band together and use the rules of horror to survive the bloody game.”

I thought a funeral was a death trap. This sounds like an escape room game. Unfortunately, there is no escape room for dying. Yet.

Upside Down House, Woodland Werewolf, Kids-Only Apocalypse

Yet another Stranger Things-related real estate offering, this one being the horror house where Vecna dwelt/dwells. In case you forgot/didn’t care, Vecna was/is the super mean sentient creature from the Upside Down, the place where the tavern floor is the ceiling and the ceiling is the tavern floor. (Don’t worry — it makes sense after you’ve had a few.)

Vecna’s shack — aka, the Creel House — is going for $1.5 million in loose bus change. It’s located in Rome, GA (I thought Rome was in Italia) and has 6,000 square feet — plenty of room to store a lot of things…upside down. Heh. It also has seven bedrooms and (gasp!) seven bathrooms…and one with a cast-iron urinal. How metal. Toilet paper, unfortunately, is not included. 

Just a few years ago (2019), the pre-evilized house was purchased (or “bought”) for $350,000. After a little restoration, some rust-free coating on the aforementioned heavy metal watering pot, and a ton of free advertising on Stranger Things, apparently there’s no price ceiling on these ceilings. 

While you put a cast-iron urinal on your Christmas piss list, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved with rust-free coating… 

SHADOW MASTER / November 4, 2022 (Theaters), November 8, 2022 (Apple TV™)

“Slain during a ferocious fight and reborn with supernatural powers, one man stands between demonic forces bent on hastening the Apocalypse and a ragtag group of apartment dwellers protecting their children from certain peril. Shadow Master is an outrageous mix of haunted house chills and martial arts thrills, featuring jaw-dropping fight choreography.”

Looks like someone’s been tik-talking with The Crow (1994).

BUZZ CUT / December 12, 2022 (VOD)

“The Hash House Harriers (a drinking club with a running problem) are on a 25th anniversary get-together when they accidentally cross paths with a beekeeper, who also happens to be a serial killer in this crazy Kiwi horror-comedy that’s part Animal House and part ’80s slasher movie.”

A beekeeping serial killer and a drinking club. Sounds like Candyman joined a frat.

THE FOREST HILLS / Pending release 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“A disturbed man is tormented by nightmarish visions after enduring head trauma while camping in the Catskill Mountains.”

This movie is supposed to be about werewolves. All they’re telling us is there’s a confused guy with a headache. That’ll pretty much describe me if they don’t give us werewolves.

HEARTLAND / Pending release 2023 (Theaters)

“A group of children in the American Midwest struggle to survive in the brutal landscape of a zombie apocalypse that has wiped out the entire adult population.”

Great — a world full of unsupervised kids. The zombie apocalypse will be the least of Earth’s problems.

Monster Master, G-Rated Zombies, Hotel Hell

According to Wikipedia™ (that name sounds so made up), filmmaker John Carpenter is generally recognized as one of the greatest masters of the horror genre. Of course he is. This is the guy who brought us classic horror/sci-fi movies like Halloween (1978), The Fog (1980), The Thing (1982), Christine (1983), Prince of Darkness (1987), Vampires (1998), and Ghost of Mars (2001). Insert mic drop sound here.

So it makes perfect sense Carpenter hosts Masters of Monsters, Godzilla!, a Godzilla Monster Marathon airing November 3rd through November 6th, 2022 on Shout! Factory TV, TokuShoutsu, Scream Factory TV and Shout! Cult. P.S. National Godzilla Day is November 3rd, which amazingly ties in with this show’s G-Fest. Nice timing!

From Shout Factory’s press release: “This November, Shout Factory is celebrating Godzilla day and doing it up big, with Masters of Monsters, Godzilla! Carpenter is sitting down and presenting his four favorite monster films directed by Ishiro Honda: Godzilla, The uncut Japanese original (Gojira), Rodan, Ghidorah, The Three-Headed Monster, and The War of the Gargantuas. Carpenter will be our Master of Monsters tour guide, making appearances throughout to discuss his love for the franchise.”

While you click on over to MastersofMonsters.com for more info (or “information”), here are a few out now and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may be worthy of a John Carpenter endorsement…

SAWED OFF / Out now (VOD)

“Two hunters, friends for years and vying for the affections of the same woman, find themselves on cursed land where they keep killing each other and coming back to life.”

The beginning of Sawed Off is worth the rental price. There’s naked nudity, outdoor sex, a loaded shotgun, exit wounds… You could stop the movie right here and know you got your money’s worth.

ZOMBIE TOWN / December, 2022 (Theaters)

“A fantastical film turns an entire town into zombies. It’s up to two teenagers to save them.”

This is based on the R.L Stine kid’s horror book of the same name. This means you won’t see zombies mouth-kissing fresh flesh as if it were free hamburgers on sale.

TALES FROM THE OCCULT / Release pending 2022 (VOD)

“An old school anthology consisting of three short films, Tales from the Occult is the first in a new omnibus series about the hidden horrors that lurk behind the urban landscape of Hong Kong.”

Wonder what the hidden horrors are lurking behind Hong Kong’s urban landscape? I’m thinkin’ a Ringu or two, undercooked chicken teriyaki bowls, tourists… 

HAZBIN HOTEL / Summer 2023 (VOD)

“Charlie, the princess of Hell, pursues her seemingly impossible goal of rehabilitating demons to peacefully reduce overpopulation in her kingdom. After a yearly extermination imposed by angels, she opens a hotel in the hopes that patients will be ‘checking out’ into Heaven. While most of Hell mocks her goal, her devoted partner Vaggie, and their first test subject, adult film-star Angel Dust, stick by her side. When a powerful entity known as the ‘Radio Demon’ reaches out to assist Charlie in her endeavors, her crazy dream is given a chance to become a reality.”

Adult animation. Cartoon boobies are almost as fun as those mythical real ones. They should make a movie about that.

Monster Memorabilia, Death Dad, Senior Citizen Demon

Wanna own the hockey mask Jason wore in Friday The 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)? How about Freddy Krueger’s knife-glove used in Freddy vs. Jason (2003)? Or would you like to own the Michael Myers’ mask from Halloween H2O: 20 Years Later (1998). You can buy all of this and more…if you have tens of thousands of disposable cabbage not earmarked for alcohol.

Propstore™ is launching a massive horror movie memorabilia auction where one can procure actual movie props, from a Pinhead life-cast from 1978’s Hellraiser and a Child’s Play 2 (1990) Good Guy Factory Doll to Ripley’s jumpsuit from Alien (1979) and Leatherface’s mask from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990).

From their press release: “Over 1,500 rare and iconic lots will be sold during Propstore’s unique Entertainment Memorabilia Live Auction over four days from Thursday, November 3rd to Sunday, November 6th, 2022 from 3:00pm GMT each day. Registration is now open HERE and online proxy bids can now submitted.” P.S. They have a complete list auction items, which are expected to fetch in excess of $12.6 million. Heck, you could buy Pinhead, Jason, Freddy, and Michael themselves for that kind of wallet bling. 

So while you’re digging in a rich man’s couch for loose change to buy Freddy Krueger’s gut-sweater or Dr. Hill’s severed head prop from 1985’s Re-Animator (if you’ve seen the movie, you know where that head has been), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be auctioned off to the lowest bidder…

BLOOD RED OX / October (Theaters), November 8, 2022 (VOD, Digital, DVD

“Amir and Amat, invited on a trip into the South American Rain Forest, quickly find the pleasant visit to Bolivia taking a bizarre turn as Amat starts having strange visions and loses his mind over the ghostly presence of a giant blood-red ox. Amir must save his boyfriend from paranoia, but he quickly realizes that he can trust nothing and nobody, as he might be losing his mind too.”

Last time I went to the South American Rain Forest Tavern, I hooked up with a blood red ox. Her name was Shirley.

MEGALOMANIAC / NOVEMBER 1, 2022 (VOD)

“Felix and Martha, the two offspring of legendary serial murderer The Skinner of Mons, grapple with the grotesque legacy bequeathed to them. While Martha works a menial janitorial job, Felix continues his father’s reign of terror. But following a brutal attack at work, Martha quickly descends into madness, finding she must come to terms with the infamous blood that flows through her veins.”

So the serial killer has kids. Kinda makes you wonder what drew their mom to him. Maybe it was his looks that kill. Heh.

THE BREACH / November 1, 2022 (VOD)

“Counting down his last days as Chief of Police in the tiny town of Lone Crow, John Hawkins must investigate one last case when a mangled body with uncanny wounds washes up on the shores of the Porcupine River.”

If your wounded, mangled body washes up on the scenic shores of Porcupine River, you don’t need a Medical Examiner to determine that the injuries were caused by a friggin’ PORCUPINE. 

NIGHT OF THE CAREGIVER / November 1, 2022 (VOD)

“A caregiver and a sweet, elderly woman find themselves in grave danger as something demonic dwells in their home.”

Why would demons plague an old lady’s home? Don’t demons have enough hand-knitted sweaters?

Witch Whisky, Cash For Killers, Sheriff Wendigo

Cask 88™ is globally known for their pursuit and curation of rare and old whisky, or “fancy fun juice.” Adding to their impressive catalog comes their Scottish Witchcraft Series: Daemonologie™. I can’t spell that, but can certainly drink it.

Here’s their marketing pitch: “Introducing the second release in a new series that is taking whisky collections to another world – one with a darker side. The latest bottle in the Scottish Witchcraft Series goes back in time to offer artistic illustrations based on the book of the Daemonologie written by King James VI. Our modern conceptions of witches owe much to what was written this book, assisted by Shakespeare’s Tragedy of Macbeth, whose depictions of witchcraft are drawn directly from Daemonologie. Don’t miss your chance to own another of the most feared whisky releases of all time, order today.”

A bottle of their witch whisky, which glows in the dark (the bottle and you after drinking it), goes for a shot glass-breaking $108.69 + tax + $38.78 standard shipping. Spooky — watch your money disappear.

So while you’re weighing rent money on this rare bourbon versus $23.99 for Budweiser, 30 pk (12 oz. cans), here are few upcoming horror movies that may or may not take 10 years to ferment…

MISSING / November 4, 2022 (Theaters) / November, 28, 2022 (VOD)

“Depressed and in debt following the death of his wife, Santoshi tells his young daughter Kaeda he’s found a way out. Pointing to a reward note, he vows to find the infamous serial killer ‘No Name’ and cash in, claiming to have seen the man in the flesh a few days earlier. Kaeda cannot take her aloof father seriously.”

A serial killer named “No Name.” There’s marketing for you. So what is a serial killer bounty worth? $1.99 + tax.  

FRIENDSHIP GAME / November 11, 2022 (VOD)

“A group of teens come across a strange object that tests their loyalties to each other and has increasingly destructive consequences the deeper into the game they go.”

In my day this was called “Spin the Bottle.” Had different rules, though — instead of donkey smooching the person the bottle pointed to, you had to drink whatever was in the bottle. Yeah, I totally rigged the game.

ASTONISHING TALES OF TERROR: ROCKTAPUSSY/ September 27, 2022 (Canada), 2022/2023 (US)

“Astonishing Tales of Terror follows a group of everyday heroes after they unwittingly awaken an ancient monster. When an intrepid reporter bumps into a down-on-his-luck miner, the duo join a rag-tag bunch of survivors as they attempt to fend off mind-controlled zombies, possessed medieval knights, and a gigantic demonic demigod: The Rocktapus!”

This Rocktapus you speak of — I wish to audition for his band. How many guitar solos do you want me to do — eight? Is it eight?

THE WENDIGO / Pending release, 2022

A malevolent Algonquian spirit resides in the wilderness of Northeastern America. Described as a stag-headed beast with hooves and antlers, the creature possesses hapless souls who break certain taboos. After a social media star disappears in the woods of North Carolina, his friends are set to figure out what happened to him. Ignoring the legend of the cursed land was their first mistake.”

I’ve broken so many taboos, it’d take two or more duly deputized Wendigos to bring me to justice. Warning to Wendigos: I will not go gentle into that good night.

Gutter Clowns, Blood Witches, California Demons

The clown is back in town and ready to get down. Cinedigm™ and its Bloody Disgusting™-powered horror platform Screambox™ just announced the release of the acclaimed horror documentary Pennywise: The Story of IT, an in-depth look at the 1990 miniseries based on Stephen King’s iconic novel. It shows up on doorsteps, VOD and street drain holes November 22, 2022 as a collector’s edition Blu-ray. Pre-order HERE.

From the helpful press release: “An in-depth look at the 1990 mini-series based on Stephen King‘s novel, The Pennywise: The Story of IT collector’s edition Blu-ray will include six bonus features, several of them exclusive to this release. The documentary also boasts a wealth of archival material and never-before-seen footage.”

When It came out as a five-hour mini-series in 1990, it was somewhat shocking for the time. But it hasn’t aged as well as, say, me. Pennywise, the super evil clown who terrorizes kids and then again as adults, is pretty cool, though. Pennywise in 2017’s smash success re-boot hit the gas and depicted the hideous harlequin with an extreme makeover that had you making sewage in your britches.

While we go on Amazon Prime™ to order the Blu-ray (might as well pick up some new pants while I’m in the zone), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a sewer…

THE BASTARD SON & THE DEVIL HIMSELF / October 28, 2022 (Netflix™)

“After being discovered as an illegitimate son of the ‘World’s Most Dangerous Blood Witch’, 16-year-old Nathan Byrn was monitored by The Council of Fairborn Witches for several years. However, as the conflict between Blood Witch and Fairborn Witch escalates, Nathan found an opportunity to escape. As he escaped, he’d soon built alliances with Annalise and Gabriel while discovering previously unknown secrets of himself.”

Wish I was the illegitimate son of the World’s Most Dangerous Blood Witch. It’s likely I already am, though. This is why I started calling myself, Son of the World’s Most Dangerous Blood Witch. That’d look cool on some sort of wearing shirt.

THE SLEEP EXPERIMENT / November 1, 2022 (iTunes™, Amazon™, Google Play™, iNDemand™, DISH™)

“Two detectives begin an investigation on the ethics involved in Porton Down, the top-secret research facility. One experiment in particular stands out to them as the most horrific — The Sleep Experiment, which took place during the Cold War. The experiment consisted of five prisoners deemed Enemies of the State, being locked in a sealed gas chamber. An airborne stimulant was continually administered to keep the subjects awake for 30 consecutive days. The prisoners were falsely promised that they would be set free from the prison if they completed the experiment. Inspired by real events, The Sleep Experiment is a psychological thriller that exposes the horrors of what humanity is capable of when pushed to the brink.”

I tried staying awake for 30 days, but only made it about three hours. Still, pretty rough. My humanity was definitely pushed to the brink.

MALIBU HORROR STORY / Pending release 2022/2023

“A group of amateur paranormal investigators are filming a documentary about four teens missing since 2012, a case that remains unsolved despite recovered camera footage from the day of their disappearance. The investigation leads them to the teen’s last known whereabouts: a cave deep in the Malibu mountains, where they set up camp. Attempting to communicate with the spirits within, the investigators bring forth an ancient demon intent on guarding the land and enacting the same gruesome fate those four teens met 10 years ago.”

No wonder the ancient demon is so intent on guarding the land around his cave hole. This is in Malibu, home of some of the priciest real estate ever invented. Teens do nothing but drive the property value down. And not just in Malibu.

NIGHTMARE RADIO: THE NIGHT STALKER / Pending release 2022/2023

“Candy is a late-night radio DJ with a program where people call to tell her ‘real’ horror stories. One of her listeners begins to call her insistently. Candy quickly discovers that there is a strange connection between them. Soon she will find out how far an obsessed fan is willing to go.”

Yeah, but did she play his song request? Radio DJs don’t think listeners have anything better to do than to keep calling the station. The song he requested? “Psycho Killer.” Heh.

New Werewolves, Old Vampires, Born Again Creeps

Lycanthropy fans can now legally bark at the moon — both the one in space and the one in the back of your pants. The film version of Werewolf By Night, based on Marvel’s 1972 comic book (nothing comic about it, though), premiers October 7, 2022 on Disney+™.

Before we shave the 5 o’clock shadow on this groundbreaking comic series, Disney+™ personally called (sorta) to tell me about the plot: “A secret group of monster hunters gather at Bloodstone Castle following the death of their leader and engage in a mysterious and deadly competition for a powerful relic, which will bring them face to face with a dangerous monster.”

So cool and so overdue. But even in its genesis, Werewolf By Night had a tough leg to chew on. Wikipedia™: “Prior to the formation of the Comics Code Authority in 1954, Marvel’s predecessor Atlas Comics published a five-page short story titled “Werewolf by Night!” in Marvel Tales #116 (July 1953). With the relaxation of the Comics Code Authority’s rules in 1971, it became possible for the first time to publish code-approved comic books with werewolves.”

Werewolf By Night comics were published from 1972 through 1977, 43 original issues in all. (Cool trivia: Issue #3/1975 features the first appearance of the Moon Knight, a new series also on Disney+™.) Yeah, there were a number of one-off specials and cameos in other comics, and they even tried to reboot Werewolf BN in Marvel Comics Presents, where he (Jack Russell, his hairless otherself) appeared irregularly from 1991 to 1993.

More cool trivia: Werewolf By Night stars Laura Donnelly, who plays the kick ass Amalia True in Joss Whedon’s The Nevers (2021), a period piece supernatural fantasy series on HBO Max™. 

So while you’re waiting for the moon — the one in space and the one in the back of your pants — to rise and shine on the premier, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have you yelling at lunar-esque surfaces…

THE MUNSTERS / September 27, 2022 (Netflix)

“A prequel to the original 1964 TV series, the film chronicles the meeting and eventual marriage of Herman and Lily Munster in Transylvania, despite the protestations of her disapproving father.” 

Pat Priest, who played Marilyn Munster in The Munsters (1964) has a cameo. Elvira (secret identity: Casandra Peterson) also appears, but not as Elvira. Hope they don’t have her wearing a button-up shirt.

JEEPERS CREEPERS: REBORN / October 4, 2022 (Out now in Germany, Russia)

“Forced to travel with her boyfriend, Laine begins to experience premonitions associated with the urban myth of The Creeper. She believes that something supernatural has been summoned — and that she is at the center of it all.”

Glad they’re trying to make up for the steaming heap that was Jeepers Creepers 3 (2017). That one was so bad, all the actors lined up to voluntarily offer themselves to the movie’s cannibalistic Creeper.

NEXT EXIT / November 4, 2022 (VOD)

“When a research scientist makes national news proving she can track people into the afterlife, Rose sees a way out and Teddy sees his chance to finally make it. These two strangers, both harboring dark secrets, race to join the doctor’s contentious study and leave this life behind. While Rose is haunted by a ghostly presence that she can’t outrun, Teddy is forced to confront his past. As these two misfits humorously quarrel their way across the country, they meet people along the way who force them to reckon with what is really driving them.”

Next Exit stars Rose McIver and Rahul Kohli, both of whom starred together in the wildly fun/funny iZombie TV series (2015 – 2019). Rose, a fully functioning zombie, ate recipe-enhanced brains (think HelloFresh™ for the undead) in every episode. I don’t think anyone’s eating think loaf in this one, though. Sad.

SUBSPECIES V: BLOOD RISE / Pending 2023/2024

“Spanning 500 years in the life of the vampire, Subspecies V chronicles Radu Vladislas’ descent from a noble warrior for the Church to a depraved creature of the night. Stolen by crusaders on the night of his birth, he has no knowledge of his bloodline: his mother a demon, his father a vampire.

Trained and exploited by a brotherhood of mystic monks to slay all enemies of the church, fate brings him back one night to the castle of his father, armed with the monster-slaying Sword of Laertes, to destroy the vampire Vladislas and reclaim a holy relic: the Bloodstone. The events of that night turn Radu from a noble man into a vampire with no master, setting him on a centuries-long quest for sustenance, for companionship, for the treacherous one who stole him from the sun, and for the Bloodstone he hopes will bring him peace.”

Radu sucks on the Bloodstone as if it were a refillable 7-Eleven™ Hemoglobin Slurpee®. He’s been at this game for a while: Subspecies (1991), Bloodstone: Subspecies 2 (1993), Bloodlust: Subspecies 3 (1994), Vampire Journals (1997), Subspecies 4: Bloodstorm (1998). This means he’s either a real vampire or very good at his job. Thinkin’ both. 

Bloody Vampires, Bloody Puppets, Bloody Expensive Guitars

With Game of Thrones dominating the non-political headlines, the series final season has people tripping all over themselves to cash in before its relegated to binge-watching re-runs. [Disclaimer: I tried to get into GoT and only made it through the first five episodes. There were so many characters/story lines that clashed with my attention deficit disorder, I’d have needed an abacus to keep track.]

Fender Custom Shop™ is releasing three GoT themed guitars. Even if you don’t play the git-fiddle, these things would make you look awesome just carrying ‘em around, like to the store or while commuting to work on a flying dragon. Here’s the deets:

“As opulent as its namesake — the ambitious house with designs on the Iron Throne — the Sigil Collection Game of Thrones House Lannister Jaguar is an homage to that avaricious clan. This bespoke guitar was painstakingly crafted by Principal Master Builder, Ron Thorn, who called on his extensive experience with materials to work 24k gold leaf into the elegant, sweeping form of the Jaguar. Crafted to order, this guitar could only have come from Westeros — and the Dream Factory, the Fender Custom Shop.”

“Avaricious” is an interesting term to use in a press release. It means “having or showing an extreme greed for wealth or material gain.” Well, heck — it’s like they’re inside my head! Unfortunately, my lack of wealth will keep me from buying one of these guitars, which range in price from $25,000 to $35,000.

If you need something to watch after Game of Thrones concludes, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not have been made for $25,000 to $35,000 smackos…

BLOOD FROM STONE (2019)
“A woman trying to escape the vampire’s grip, and struggles to cope with the vampire curse in a society where old ways refuse to die.”

Why fight it? I’d love to be a vampire. I kinda am already as I suck on long necks. Heh.

THE ROOM (2019)
“Kate and Matt are a young couple in their thirties in search of a more authentic and healthy life. They leave the city to move into an old house in the middle of nowhere. Soon they discover a secret hidden room that has the extraordinary power to materialize anything they wish for. Their new life becomes a true fairytale. They spend days and nights indulging their every desire of material possession, swimming in money and champagne. Yet beneath this apparent state of bliss, something darker lurks: some wishes can have dire consequences. That room could very well turn their dream into a nightmare when it gives them what they’ve been waiting forever and that nature was denying them.”

I liked it better when it was called The Monkey’s Paw.

BLOOD RISE: SUBSPECIES V (February 14, 2020)
Spanning 500 years in the life of the vampire Radu Vladislas, this long-anticipated prequel to the Subspecies series chronicles Radu’s descent from a noble warrior for the Church to a depraved creature of the night. Stolen by crusaders on the night of his birth, he has no knowledge of his bloodline: his mother a demon; father a vampire. Trained and exploited by a brotherhood of mystic monks to slay all enemies of the Church, fate brings him back one night to the castle of his father, armed with the monster-slaying Sword of Laertes, to destroy the vampire Vladislas and reclaim a holy relic: the Bloodstone. The events of that night turn Radu from a noble man into a vampire with no master, setting him on a centuries-long quest for sustenance, for companionship, for the treacherous one who stole him from the sun, and for the Bloodstone he hopes will bring him peace.

Even as uneven as the Subspecies movies (four flicks, 1991 — 1998) have been, it’s nice to see Radu back in action and licking the Bloodstone like it was a bleeding ice cream cone. After all these years, though, he’s looking a bit long in the tooth. Ahem.

BLADE: THE IRON CROSS (February 14, 2020)
“Charles Band’s Puppet Master series continues as an unspeakable evil from Blade’s past emerges in the form of a murderous Nazi scientist named Dr. Hauser. As Hauser’s heinous crimes are discovered, the psychic war journalist, Elisa Ivanov, awakens Blade, and together the bloody journey of revenge begins. It’s Herr Hauser’s reanimated undead army versus a possessed doll and a beautiful vengeance-seeking clairvoyant.”

This will be the 15th (!) installment in the Puppet Master film series, which began in 1989. That’s one helluva puppet show. For a really fun killer puppet movie, try Trilogy of Terror (1975), featuring the legendary (and toothy) Zuni fetish doll. That thing caused me to bespoil my trousers back in the day. The cleverly named sequel, Trilogy of Terror II, was released in 1996. I chose to not watch it as getting stains out of britches is not as easy as Oxi Clean™ Refreshing Lavender & Lily Liquid Laundry Detergent claims it is.