Archive for demon

Inner Demons, Outer Ghosts, Rock Gods

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Demon Inside

Quite happy to see riveting TV series The Exorcist and Gotham getting renewed second and fourth seasons respectively. Still hoping the SyFy Channel™ continues with Channel Zero. That one was quite couch gluer. This comes amid news that TV stations are canceling shows left and right. Why don’t you just cut off my blood supply, you numbers-crunching douchebags?

While we wait to see who else makes the chopping block, here’s a few just-released and upcoming horror movies to take your mind off the cancellation of Emerald City after one season instead of YET ANOTHER season of the weak Fear of the Walking Dead, which has been a mixed laundry load mess from episode one..

THE DEMON INSIDE (available now/VOD)
“Years after his release from jail, Sam Parsons is trying to build his life with his wife Courtney and their young daughter Harper. He works hard to provide for his family and afford their beautiful home in their quiet suburban neighborhood. When supernatural occurrences start to happen in the house, Sam fears for the safety of his wife and daughter. When the occurrences turn into attacks, Sam hires Corbin Carlysle and his reality TV show ghost hunting team known as ‘The Ghost Killers’ to help him battle the dark entity that’s lurking in the shadows of his home. To win this fight Sam must battle his own inner demons and revert back to his violent past. In order to save the ones he loves, a Demon must face a Demon.”

Inner demon versus outer demon. That’s like trying to suppress a fart in church as opposed to someone sitting next to you in said holy structure just falling shy of crapping his/her pants. (Guess that’s why they call ‘em “pews.”) Probably a her, though. Lady flatulence may be perfume fragrant, but dang are they funny.

THE LOST CASE (available now/VOD)
The Lost Case is a found footage horror film based on a popular television show, Ghost Doctor TV. With a first-person perspective, the audience gets to see the story first-hand through the eyes of the show production crews, Itt and Por.”

Only a ghost hunting team would be made up of people with names like Itt” and “Por.” Can’t get real jobs with names like that, not even at Kinkos™, who will hire street kids with pink hair. They should’ve stuck with Ghost Doctor TV as the title, though. A proctology exam conducted by a medically-trained poltergeist would be a LOT less invasive.

Killswitch

KILLSWITCH (available now/VOD)
“A military experiment to harness unlimited energy goes horribly awry, leaving a pilot with no choice but to fight through an imploding world to save his family and the planet itself.”

Don’t let the bland press release fool you. This one looks to be a real earth-burner, what with the world exploding/imploding (same thing) and such. Glad I don’t live there,

Griffin's Ghost

GRIFFIN’S GHOST (2017)
Griffin Kidder is a career New Yorker with a strong yearning to be a mother. Ready to start a peaceful life outside the city, Griffin and her construction-savvy husband purchase a dilapidated house to renovate, only to discover the suburban home already has residents: a scarred family of apparitions.”

Hide And Seek

Serviceable if not stock ghost story. However, I do take issue with the key art, which looks a heckuva lot like 2005’s Hide And Seek. I swear, sometimes I have the associative recognizance of a beaver or community college educated lemur.

A Beginner's Guide To Snuff

A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO SNUFF (June 16, 2017)
“Two brothers kidnap an actress, torture her, and make her think she is going to die.”

The trailer is hilarious, which makes me think this is a family comedy with swear words. It also echoes 2008’s British horror comedy The Cottage, with the stunningly multi attractive Jennifer Ellison turning the tables on her dumbass captors. Say what you will about supermodels — when cornered, they can really kick some arse.

Chris Cornell

Aliens, Apes, Puppets and Motörhead

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 1, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Recall

Had something quite weird happen to me the other day. There I was, watching a bunch of Bigfoot videos on YouTube™ (they’re all blurry), and one came up that showed the top 15 alleged Sasquatch creature sightings. By the time they got to number seven, I was shocked. That Bigfoot was wearing a Motörhead shirt, exactly like the one I’m wearing right now for a third day in a row. Then it hit me — that was me! Several things immediately came to mind — I was thrilled to be featured in a Bigfoot movie (Pffft — I should’ve been in the top 5). Secondly, I should probably shave. And lastly, I’m gonna kill my neighbor and his stupid new video camera.

While I go change shirts and lather up, here’s a few upcoming hairy horror/sci fi movies headed your way…

THE RECALL (June 16, 2017)
“A group of friends are spending the weekend at a cabin on the lake while unbeknown to them aliens have begun to attack planet Earth. A number of the friends are abducted immediately by the ship hovering above and the remaining two of the group, Annie and Charlie, must rely on an eccentric and dangerous hunter who seems to have special knowledge of the attack, explaining that this day has been prophecized for years and extraterrestrials have been guiding Earth’s evolution in preparation for their ultimate takeover.”

I say let the aliens take over and fix this toilet Earth. How could they run/ruin it worse than it’s being done right now? As long as they don’t mess with my health care (i.e., “probing prevention”), they have my vote.

War of the Planet of the Apes

WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES (July 14, 2017)
Caesar and his apes are forced into a deadly conflict with an army of humans led by a ruthless Colonel. After the apes suffer unimaginable losses, Caesar wrestles with his darker instincts and begins his own mythic quest to avenge his kind. As the journey finally brings them face to face, Caesar and the Colonel are pitted against each other in an epic battle that will determine the fate of both their species and the future of the planet.”

The new Planet of the Ape series has been quite exhilarating, what with thousands of monkeys flinging their poo and what not at the surviving humans. I bet they could run the world a lot better than it’s being done right now. As long as they don’t mess with my health care (i.e., medical moist towelettes), they have my vote.

Annabelle: Creation

ANNABELLE: CREATION (August 11, 2017)
“A dollmaker and his wife who, 20 years after the tragic death of their little girl, welcome into their home a nun and several girls from a shuttered orphanage. Soon, however, the nun and the girls become the target of the dollmaker’s possessed creation, Annabelle.”

A demonically possessed doll. Not understanding how this predictable franchise keeps getting the green light. And how is this different from the Puppetmaster (eight and counting) series? This is about as lame as me getting the idea to make a Blob sequel using of 1,000 packs of Silly Putty™.

Veronica

VERONICA (August 25, 2017 / Spain / 2017/2018 U.S.)
“A young woman must protect her younger brother and sister after she attempts to bring back the spirit of their dead father through a Ouija ritual.”

Am I hearing this correctly? Is she protecting her siblings from their dead dad? What — were there spankings left unresolved before his untimely passing? Are their rooms clean? Did they not eat all their vegetables? Not seeing a plot here — and my room is clean and I alway eat my vegetables. And I haven’t been spanked by a parental poltergeist since 1990’s Ghost Dad.

Evil, Evil, Evil and…Ghosts

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 24, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Holy Terror

Cut myself shaving the other day. Then I cut my peanut butter spreading hand while making a sandwich with a chef-grade butcher knife. Then I cut my back-up hand on what appeared to be diamond edged paper. Then I cut my elbow/neck/rib cage on some barbed wire. (Hey, it was in the dumpster — finder’s keepers.) I feel like I’m both the slasher and the slashee.

While I change my bandages, here’s some upcoming horror movies that are hopefully a cut above the rest. C’mon — that was a clever tie-in. Geez, tough crowd.

HOLY TERROR (April 1, 2017)
“Believing their deceased son isn’t at peace, Molly and Tom ask a medium to make contact. But after they invite a vengeful demon to cross over, the couple must enlist the help of a disgraced priest to attempt a dangerous exorcism.”

How come it’s always a disgraced priest who gets the call to clean-up on aisle four? If the Devil knows your secrets (which is why Satan never loses at poker), then you’re setting yourself up for a real embarrassing social situation.

A Dark Song

A DARK SONG (April 28, 2017 / VOD / Limited)
“A determined young woman and a damaged occultist risk their lives and souls to perform a dangerous ritual that will grant them what they want.”

Isn’t that what a slot machine does? (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve risked my soul on the Mega Meltdown slot. What can I say — I’m a sucker for pictures of lava.

Another Evil

ANOTHER EVIL (2017)
“After encountering a ghost in their vacation home, Dan and his wife Mary consult an exorcist. Unsatisfied with the verdict, Dan goes behind his wife’s back to seek a second opinion, and secretly hires Os, who promises to get rid of the beings. Os and Dan spend a week together in the vacation home exorcising the “EFD” (Evil Fully Determined) beings, but Dan soon realizes that ridding the home of evil won’t be as simple as it seems.”

A ghost squatter. That’s a new one. Wonder if it’s a ghost of a hippie, who are known to squat in real estate that isn’t legally theirs? A little Iron Maiden (dealer’s choice) played at hippie melting levels should solve that problem real quick.

Escape Room

ESCAPE ROOM (2017)
“Four friends decide to partake in a popular escape room horror attraction, only to find themselves stuck inside with a demonically possessed killer. They only have one hour to solve the room and escape with their lives.”

Sounds like a cross between The Funhouse (1981) and any of the Saw movies. You might think I’m being a dick, but I hope they run out of time. That would make my sun shine.

My Name Is Evil

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

My Name Is Bruce

The legendary Bruce Campbell stars as himself in My Name Is Bruce (2007), or rather the version of himself as the star of The Evil Dead (1981).

My Name Is Bruce

Kidnapped by a horror fan teenager and brought to the small mining town of Gold Lick, Oregon to do battle with Guan-di, a Chinese demon god of war, Bruce thinks it’s all a gag being played on him as a birthday present from his manager.

My Name Is Bruce

Guan-di is protecting the souls of 100 dead Chinese immigrants who died in a mining disaster one million years ago, and he does this by slicing off the heads of anyone within the zip code of his scythe. Bruce, all the while, thinks it’s all a joke and wise-cracks his way through the party, referring to the town as a “fart hole” and offering a hot chick a chance to play with his “boom stick.”

My Name Is Bruce

Non-stop of laugh-out-loud moments, with p*ssed off townsfolk yelling things like, “You were the worst thing about Moontrap!” as Bruce finds out the demon is real and turns tail. Sir Campbell is in his element, tossing off sharp one-liners and hamming it up as a self-obsessed Hollywood movie star. I thought about writing ’em all down, but figured it’s way better to hear Bruce deliver the goods.

My Name Is Bruce

And speaking of goods, the hot single mom of the kid who kidnapped (so THAT’S where that term came from) Bruce is one well-rounded actress, if you get the inference. Which means there’s two more reasons to watch this movie right the heck now.

Lunar Living Dead

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 2, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Plaguers

Of course I believe that the six supermodels rescued from the U.S.S. Diane were hijacked by astro-pirates who killed the entire crew except them. Wouldn’t you?

Plaguers

Answering the distress call, the fuel transport ship Pandora picks up the silver platform boot-wearing hotties dressed in clothes picked up for cheap at a Star Trek rummage sale. No sooner than they’re on board before they reveal themselves as being the pirates. Dang them all to heck.

Plaguers

But what the pirates don’t know is that the Pandora is carrying a green glowing marble the size of a soccer ball called “Thanatos” (way dumb), a virus entity, which when cracked, leaks out Simple Green™ and turns whomsoever into flesh-gulping space zombies.

Plaguers

One by one, the crew fall prey to those infected and do nothing but chase everyone around for the rest of the movie. (I swear the zombies knew the camera was on them because one even stops to strike a pose.) While the zombies in Plaguers (2008) look somewhat decent (demon mouths, oil breath, open sores), I dare you not to LOL when two chicks fist fight each other. I haven’t seen that kind of wimpy b*tch slapping since I got into it with a stubborn twist top.

Evil, Space Stuff, Spider-Man

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Spider-Man, Alien

Is it just me or does Spider-Man look like the inspiration for grey aliens or the other way around? These are the things I think about. All the time.

Here are some upcoming new horror/sci-fi movies for you to think about…

Galaxy of Horrors

GALAXY OF HORRORS (March 7, 2017)
“Trapped in a damaged cryogenic pod, a man is forced to watch a series of horrific science-fiction tales while his life support systems run out. Featuring intense stories of the unknown and otherworldly, equally wonderful and terrifying.”

Change cryogenic pod to couch and this could be me. Also smells like a winked homage to the punk rock sci-fi classic A Clockwork Orange (1971), wherein after a hyper violent crime spree, a gang leader is apprehended and is subject to “attempted rehabilitation via controversial psychological conditioning.” It’s the Republican way.

Bethany

BETHANY (April 7, 2017 / VOD / Limited)
“A young woman named Claire moves back to her childhood home only to be haunted by her imaginary friend from when she was a child.”

I never had an imaginary friend. I had imaginary parents, though. I can’t move back to my childhood home, either. I think someone’s been living there since I got kicked out, uh, moved away.

MALICIOUS (2017)
“When a young college professor Adam and his pregnant wife Lisa suffer a traumatic event, they find themselves haunted — and connected — to a malicious entity. It is only when Adam calls upon Dr. Clark, a professor of parapsychology at the university, that the true horror of what they have encountered becomes clear.”

The key art hints that some sort of evilness either is responsible for the pregnancy or wants the kid once its plopped out. Note to evilness: no matter how the paternity suit fits, you’re looking at 18 years of child support.

Without Name WITHOUT NAME (2017)
“There’s something bizarre and nightmarish waiting in the woods, and its sights are set on Eric, a land surveyor who’s tasked with assessing the woodland area in question just as his marriage is about to crumble. Stressed out by his fractured home life, Eric is tragically susceptible to the woods’ powerful ability to enter the emotionally wounded man’s mind and wreak both physical and mental havoc on him.”

Sounds to me like the “bizarre and nightmarish something” and the guy’s soon-to-be-ex are the same thing. Or it could be a meth-crazed chipmunk. On the fence as to which. Or maybe the woods with its powerful ability to wreak physical and mental havoc is a metaphor for an alcohol-fortified bender in the bushes to celebrate being able to turn on the “open for business” sign again.

Alien Cats, Magic Boxes, Natural Disasters

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie Cats From Mars

Doing my taxes while watching horror movies. Kinda the same thing. And like my taxes, here’s some upcoming horror movies you won’t get a refund after watching…

ZOMBIE CATS FROM MARS (February 14, 2017/DVD)
“Billy is a fan of vintage science fiction action thrillers. His only friend is Cameron, a nerdy film buff who tries to boost his confidence whenever he can. After seeing a UFO land, Billy retreats into his head, imagining that aliens are taking over the town. Cameron is skeptical, as is the rest of the town. Meanwhile, people are starting to die. Meanwhile, the killings continue. Billy, wrapped up in a world of fiction, discovers a story in which Martian Cats land on Earth and inflict horror upon the town.”

Great. Alien cats using Earth as a litter box. Still, kitty cats flying around in UFOs — that’s kinda cute. But like all things feline, they soon wear out their welcome. My solution for Billy is to go get Fluffy, that giant, three-headed slobbering dog from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001) to go all Cujo on ‘em.

Don't Kill It

DON’T KILL IT (March 3, 2017/VOD)
“An ancient evil is unleashed in a small Alaskan town leaving a trail of death and destruction as it passes from host to host. The only hope of survival lies with a grizzled demon hunter who has faced this terror before. Together with a reluctant FBI agent he has to figure out how to destroy a demon with the ability to possess its killer.”

Sounds a LOT like The Hidden (1987), i.e.: “An alien parasite with the ability to possess human bodies goes on a violent crime spree in Los Angeles. A human cop, Detective Beckett, and an alien cop posing as a young FBI agent Gallagher both pursue the parasite who frequently changes his human hosts.”

The Hidden

All they did was change locations and say that the alien parasite is YET ANOTHER ancient evil whoozit. While I’m not an alien (that I know of) or born of ancient evil (maybe a little), it’d be cool to be able to switch bodies. Just think of how many restaurants you could dine ‘n dash. Sweet!

Wish Upon

WISH UPON (June 30, 2017)
“17 year-old Clare Shannon is bullied in high school, embarrassed by her manic, hoarder father Jonathan and ignored by her longtime crush. All that changes when her father comes home with an old music box whose inscription promises to grant its owner seven wishes. While Clare is initially skeptical of this magic box, she can’t help but be seduced by its dark powers, and is thrilled as her life radically improves with each wish.”

“Clare finally has the life she’s always wanted and everything seems perfect — until the people closest to her begin dying in violent and elaborate ways after each wish. Clare realizes that she must get rid of the box, but finds herself unable and unwilling to part with her new-and-improved life — leading her down a dark and dangerous path.”

If I had a magic box that granted me wishes but left people bereft of life as a consequence, would I continue to use it? Only until the wishes were used up. (Sorry people closest to me — that in-ground swimming pool ain’t gonna build itself.)

The Quake

THE QUAKE (August 2018/Norway)
“Inspired by a 1904 earthquake in Oslo. Rather than embracing the ‘disaster porn’ aesthetic of films like San Andreas (2015), Norway’s The Wave (2015) was wonderfully restrained; the effects took a back seat to the human emotion, making it one of the best disaster movies to come along in recent years.”

Not much else to say about the ground shaking like Godzilla’s busted washing machine. I do, however, have a kicker line ready for ‘em. (Please deposit bit coins into my account to use it): The Quake — It’ll Crack You Up. I should be a millionaire. P.S. Wonder if they’ll name the sequel, The Quisp. Heh.