Archive for Greek

Monster Guide, Halloween on Halloween, Evil Stuff

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Frightfest Guide: Monster Movies

For those of us who still know how printed books work (no swiping left or right required), you might wanna swipe, uh, I mean, purchase the just released The Frightfest Guide to Monster Movies (Dark Heart of Cinema), written by longtime horror movie critic and Fangoria writer/editor, Michael Gingold. The price? A mere $24.93 with free shipping from Amazon Prime™. (If you live in England Town and order from Fabpress.com, it’ll set you back 20£ or “quid”. (Translation: $26.38 U.S.)

Frightfest Guide: Monster Movies

From the book’s press release: “Celebrated writer, editor, and critic Michael Gingold traces the history of the genre from the silent movies all the way through to the present day. From Universal Studios legends such as Frankenstein’s Monster and the Wolf Man, to the big bugs, atomic mutants and space invaders that terrorized the ’50s, to the kaiju of Japan and the ecological nightmares of the ’70s and ’80s, to the CG creatures and updated favorites of recent years — they’re all here.”

Frightfest Guide: Monster Movies

Guess I’ll have to raid the quid swear jar and get a copy. There might not be enough shillings in there, so time to start cussing like an Irish longshoreman at last call. While I practice yelling “shite” at the top of my lungs, here are a few recently released and upcoming horror I swear you may or may not watch…

The Invoking 3: Paranormal Dimensions

THE INVOKING 3: PARANORMAL DIMENSIONS (available now)
“Hundreds of disturbing paranormal events occur every year. Most of these terrifying encounters go unreported – until now. Enter the disturbing world of The Invoking 3: Paranormal Dimensions, where the undead come to wreak havoc upon the living. Grim Reapers, evil poltergeists, satanic forces and conjured spirits will feed off your fear and drag you into the abyss of waking nightmares.”

How this movie isn’t about alcohol abuse is beyond me. I see this stuff ALL THE TIME whilst excessively imbibing.

10/31

10/31 (October 31, 2017)
“A new horror anthology in the vein of V/H/S (2012) and Creepshow (1982) brings an ensemble cast together to spin twisted tales of the macabre. The poster is by Travis Smith who’s designed artwork for Metallica, Slayer, Avenged Sevenfold, Opeth and others.”

Cool poster. Hope the movie is as good. I like anthologies as my attention span is dwindling by the…

Live Evil

LIVE EVIL (October 31, 2017/Amazon/VOD)
“When a small college town police station is besieged by ‘Evil’ on a sleepy Halloween night, Pete, the sheriff, and Hancock, his loyal deputy, are thrown into the middle of holy chess game that could destroy the town, and possibly the world.”

Shouldn’t that be UNholy chess game? Why would Evil play a holy game? That’s like playing golf with bowling balls.

I Remember you

I REMEMBER YOU (November 10, 2017/DVD/VOD)
“After a woman hangs herself in a church, a new psychiatrist discovers she was obsessed with the disappearance of his eight-year-old son, who vanished three years earlier. Meanwhile, three city dwellers are restoring a house when they realize it is haunted, and a mysterious child named Bernodus, who disappeared 60 years earlier, is discovered as the link between the two groups.”

[Disclaimer: Already brought this to your attention a few months ago. This is the updated U.S. key art and a whole new pithy commentary.] Who names their kid “Bernodus”? Is he Greek? Are the names Jacob Marley or Casper not spooky enough? And why would a woman hang herself in a church? What, tying a rope around your neck and stepping off a wobbly stool not sufficiently religiously offensive?

Finger Wicks, Knights Templar, Ego Horror

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 19, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Halloween Candle

Always look forward to the new decorations they put on sale a Planet Halloween™ this time each year. While I’m a big fan of the classic (Whoopee Cushion™, Fart In A Can™, Electric Handshake Buzzer (you can use it on just about any body part), the new one I should buy with every bitcoin I can scrape up is the Halloween Wax Bleeding Hand Candle. Right out of the gate it reminds me of the hand in 1972’s made for TV horror, When Michael Calls. (The scene with Michael’s ghostly, manifested hand in a fishbowl that still makes my cushion go whoopee! every time)

Yeah, there’s been lots of bleeding hand candles before, but this one is the most realistic, especially if your name is Michael. And you can get one of this babies at CreepyCandles.net for a mere wallet-melting $35.00 bones ( no pun intended.) While you’re working your fingers to the bone (sorry) to come up with the appropriate digits (sorry), here are a few just released horror and sci-fi moves that may or may not set off your Whoopee! CushionJack Hunter's Paranoia

JACK HUNTER’S PARANOIA TAPES (available now)
“Jack Hunter presents a found footage movie that will surely put you on the edge of your seats and will send a chill down the bottom of your spine.”

Just when you thought a movie title and press release couldn’t get any more lazy/cliched. It’s one thing to present yourself as a filmmaker and put your own name in the title when all you’re doing is a found footage fare (no skill required). That’s like saying just because you tried out for American Idol™, that makes you a singer. Secondly, who the canned spray fart says “sends a chill down to the bottom of your spine” anymore? That is so hack, even my proctologist doesn’t use that phrase — and that procedure is so g’dam horrifying, it sends a chill down to my very bottom.

Stag Night

STAG NIGHT (available now)
“A satanic Knights Templar crosses paths with Brian and his paintball-loving friends in this supernatural horror tale. Five years after the squad broke up, Brian’s old buddies get back together for a reunion. When they visit a forest paintball park though, the reunited friends find a sinister force of evil awaiting the group.”

Great — they besmirch the legend of the terrifying Knights Templar by putting ‘em in a paintball park. What’s next — a Knights Templar Tupperware Party? These guys are known for revenge eating your soul. Now they’re just a punchline in YET ANOTHER dumbass teen “horror” movie. Kinda makes you wanna sell your gang-emblem tunic and go back to being a door-to-door sword salesman.

Mad Cow

MAD COW (2017)
“A crazed scientist creates a half-man, half-cow creature, which goes on the rampage at an African game lodge.”

Um, has any of these filmmakers ever heard of the Greek mythological creature, the Minotaur (half-man/half-bull) or more notably, The Island of Dr. Moreau? Moreau has been turning jungle animals into human hybrids since 1913. Which begs the question — if you try and milk the half-man/half cow, are you just looking for cereal milk, or are you a fetish freak trying to pleasure said creature for your sick and twisted desires? The correct answer is to just walk away.

Haunted Changi

HAUNTED CHANGI (available now)
“Old Changi Hospital is one of the most notoriously haunted places in the world. A group of filmmakers explore the famously haunted old Changi Hospital in Singapore with terrifying and tragic results.”

A foreign version of about, oh, 10 dozen American horror movies with the EXACT SAME PLOT. I did, however, look up Changi Hospital and it’s a real abandoned mental hospital. Apparently, Singapore has a pile of those laying around as well. My hard detective work (drinking a beer, clicking around the Internet) reveals that Changi’s buildings are said to be haunted by the souls of the victims of the Japanese Occupation, homeless ghosts and the spirits of those who died in the hospital. Is it just me or don’t we go to hospitals to not die? No wonder the place went out of business; no one left to pay the bill.

The Gorgon: Python Perm

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Gorgon

The Gorgon, a 1964 horror movie from the legendary Hammer Films in Great British England, is the title creature whose gaze can convert you into stone. It worked on me as I’m all rock (heh).

The Gorgon

Of course you’ve heard of this mythological monster with snakes for hair and know it as Medusa. And here’s where I blow you away – they’re sisters! There were/are three of ’em: Stheno, Euryale and Medusa. Collectively, they were known by their gangsta name: The Gorgons. Only one G in this movie, and it plagues the German village of Vandorf in 1910, leaving a trail of stone bones in her wake.

The Gorgon

The cops won’t investigate the death of a local gal as they believe the legend of the Gorgon to be true. So they pin it on her boyfriend who committed suicide out of grief, not guilt. This makes scapegoat boy’s dad ultra angry, and sets out to clear the family name, which is Goat. (Just kidding, though that would be really funny.)

The Gorgon

Turns out one of the villagers is possessed by the spirit of Megaera, sister to Medusa. Red history flag here. She’s a sister alright, but to Alecto and Tisiphone – and this psycho b*tch is the cause of jealousy, envy and, get this, smacks people who do crime things as well as commit marital infidelity. Okay, now the movie is making sense.

The Gorgon

The “Gorgon” shows up three times and does nothing more than step out of the shadows, makes THE FACE and turns people into anatomically correct statues. Too bad those snakes weren’t paying attention to that guy bringing up the rear with that swingin’ sword, or “Greek butter knife.”

The Gorgon

Taking a little off the top, Megaera’s head rolls around on the floor and reverts back to its human form. So who the stinkin’ heck is it/she? I would tell you, but I’m already in enough trouble with the other two sisters.

Japanese Giant Eyeballs

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 24, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Kwaidan

A 1964 Japanese-made anthology of four “horror” stories involving ghosts, Kwaidan doesn’t have Samaurias in hockey masks spilling teenage guts all over the floor or rotted spirits with crooked teeth looking to suck on your brains. Instead, it’s more artsy, going for color, atmospheric settings, slow suspense build-up and mixed results pay-off. These stories came from a Greek dude but were adapted to the Japanese culture. I don’t know why I know that.

Kwaidan

Of the stories – “The Black Hair,” “The Woman of the Snow” and “In a Cup of Tea,” it’s the charmingly titled, “Hoichi the Earless” that’s the most fun with its cool graveyard scenes. It’s a story about a blind musician, or “biwa hoshi” whose specialty is singing “The Tale of the Heike,” about the Battle of Dan-no-ura, a war fought between Emperor Antoku and Minamoto no Yoritomo during the last phase of the Genpei War. (OK, I totally copied that off Wikipedia™ – but just for fact-checking, as I for real knew all that stuff in the first place. I just didn’t know how to spell everything.) I also liked the giant eye in “The Woman of the Snow.” Giant eyes are kinda neat.

Kwaidan

These are all metaphoric tales of loss, grief, remorse, blah, blah, blah. Brain-eating can be remorseful, too, but you just have to let it be so. While it’s been described as one of the most meticulously crafted supernatural films ever made, Kwaidan is like reading a poetry book when what you really want is a TV Guide™. Still, the snow woman is kinda hot.

Kwaidan