Archive for Count Dracula

A Family of Teeth and Fur

Posted in Classic Horror, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood

In the painfully low-budget Blood (1973), a highly impatient Dr. Lawrence and Regina Orlovsky, a pseudo aristocratic couple, travel by some sort of boat from 1899 Europe to 1899 America in order for Lawrence to continue his doctor-esque research. Assisting is Carrie and Orlando, a married couple. Orlando doesn’t have legs (“accident”) and Carrie, whose right leg is infected by something…icky. She doesn’t have long to do the two-step. Also on board is the cadaverous and mute Carlotta, whose being used as food for Regina.

Blood

Turns out Lawrence is the son of Lawrence Talbot, the Wolf Man. And Regina is the daughter of Count Dracula. And they’re in America to check on his inheritance (which is running out), and to cultivate carnivorous plants that produce a serum that Larry injects into Regina every time she starts to melt from being out in the sunlight. Doesn’t help that Regina is constantly melting, whining and complaining, and is pretty much a spoiled vampire.

Blood

Going by the name of Lawrence Orlovsky, he shows up his attorney’s office, demanding a look-see at the books. Turns out the “lawyer” has been embezzling from the inheritance and funneling the cash into shell companies that go bankrupt, but pay off directly to his own pocket. Warning: do NOT try and steal from a guy who could bite your face off and crap it out on the neighbor’s lawn.

Blood

The very cute and single Prudence Towers works as the lawyer’s assistant and spills the books to Lawrence during a graveyard visit to pay respects to his wolfy dad. (And no, the headstone was not shaped like a fire hydrant.) Even though he’s married, he uses his animal charms to lock lips with Prudence amongst the romantic graveyard. Their clinch is busted by Petra, an old non-hygienic woman with rotted teeth, who is the cemetery attendant. She knows Larry’s dad’s secret. And she knows his secret as well, using it to blackmail money and/or jewels from the Orlovskys, which she’ll hopefully use to buy toothpaste.

Blood

The man-eating plants are growing out of control. Carrie’s leg needs to be chopped off. Regina cuts off the hand of Petra, who showed up demanding extortion funds. Prudence is sucked dry after a jealous Regina finds out about the mortuary make-out session in the dead zone. Lawrence can’t take the pressure and wolfs up, demanding they all abandon ship and head back to Europe, setting fire to everything to cover their tracks. This does not work for Regina and she gets her fang on to do battle with her leg-lifting husband with flame-y flames heating things up.

Blood

An odd yet oddly intriguing movie, Blood feels like a thrown-together mess, but the ending is one of those moments of genius that only makes sense once you sit through the entire thing. P.S. Don’t go near the cannibal plants — just ask Orlando and Carrie’s legs.

Merry Christmas, Dracula

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 5, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Christmas At Draculas

Even though it’s grammatically wonky Christmas at Draculas (2015) is in contention for best horror movie title of the decade.

Just think what the holiest time of the year (besides Halloween and National Beer Day) would be like with the Prince of Darkness. I mean, what would you give the guy who has everything? A chew toy? A cherry Slurpee™? A Groupon™ for tooth polish?

So here’s the plot, which has me drooling all over my National Beer Day shirt:

“Told through the eyes of The Invisible Man, Count Dracula has hit rock bottom, so with the help of his noble companion Igor, he decides to throw the greatest Christmas party of all time.”

“He invites The Wolfman, Medusa, The Wicked Witch, Frankenstein, Dr. Jekyll and The Invisible Man. But when two killers arrive at the door, things slowly begin to spiral out of control. And Dracula’s faith lies in the hands of one creatureDeath himself!”

I only have one question – How do I score an invite to this party? If anyone can hook a brother up, I’d appreciate it.

Boobs For Dracula

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood For Dracula

The campy, art nouveau Blood For Dracula (1974), produced by eccentric ’60s/‘70s pop artist pop artist/filmmaker Andy Warhol (he turned Campbell’s Soup™ cans into profitable statement art), is also known as Andy Warhol’s Dracula. After watching it, I think a better title might be Boobs for Dracula, as there are lots of those in this straight-faced, porn-lite black comedy.

Blood For Dracula

Count Dracula is fresh out of virgins. Well, who isn’t? In his homeland of Romania, he and his vampire family have bled the countryside dry, and now he’s less than two weeks away from dying. Oh sure, there’s lots of regular blood still left, but he needs the pure blood from virgins. And I thought I was a picky eater.

Blood For Dracula

He and his assistant travel to Italy and are hosted by a family of strapped landowners. They figure if they can get one of their four daughters married off to him, they’ll get a cash bail-out. But the Count and his weirdo accent has specific rules – his new wife must be a “wirgin.”

Blood For Dracula

Of course, the two smoking hot middle sisters lie as they’ve been getting the handyman’s handy man for some time now, and even take off their clothes to prove it. Dracula, starved to the point of being pushed around in wheelchair, bites the hell out of the eldest daughter’s throat and… Uh, oh – the tainted blood wants back out.

Blood For Dracula

In one of the greatest – and longest – convulsive vomiting scenes ever filmed, Dracula is hunched over the bathtub barfing his brains out, while squirming around like a worm on a hot frying pan. “Vomiting looks great when you’ve got a tuxedo on,” he decides later. True that.

Blood For Dracula

One down, one to go. Drac goes after the next sister and gets another gut full of rotten blood. Dang it – why do they keep lying to him? Getting fed up with not being fed up, Dracula sets his sights on the 14 year-old sister. But the Handyman is on to him. After a preemptive reputation besmirching of the young lady (please tell me you know what I meant), he fetches an axe and chops off Dracula’s pointing arm and both of his legs. Undead or not, that looked like it hurt like hell.

Blood For Dracula

So the sisters and the estate now become the property of the Handyman. All in a day’s work. And hey, no more wirgins left to put a damper on the party!