Archive for Broadway

Power Tool Terror

Posted in Classic Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , on March 6, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Driller Killer

The Driller Killer is a lurid little ditty that came out in 1979. The title is way better than the flick, though. Regardless of the promise of exquisite gore and Broadway-caliber acting, it’s still a piece of crap all these years later. Except for the two chicks showering part. I’ll get to that in a sec.

The Driller Killer

Reno is a hot-tempered artist (angry hippie with a paintbrush) and his next masterpiece is the one that’ll pay the rent for him and the two chicks he lives with in a rundown slum. His agent won’t front him any cash. A crappy punk rock band just moved in downstairs and practices all night, every night. The New York streets outside are littered with the mentally ill, the criminally-minded and the stinky homeless. All this feeds Reno’s growing anxiety and ill mood.

The Driller KillerHis brain — not unlike rubber band suspenders — is about to snap. Then Reno sees a commercial on TV for a new drill that comes with a Porta-Pak™, which allows holder of said drill to move around without the tool coming unplugged. Remember, this was in 1979, long before batteries were invented.

The Driller KillerReno’s latest painting is that of a buffalo getting a proctology exam, hence the shocked look on the buffalo’s face. That’s what it looked like to me, anyway. Needing inspiration and a way to vent, he buys the drill and runs out into the night to make vents in the homeless. As immediately gratifying as this is, it doesn’t soothe his fraying nerves caused by the incessant noise from the band downstairs, his nagging girlfriend or his agent, who just told him his painting is the worst thing he’s ever seen. I ask you, would you not buy a painting of a buffalo getting a proctology exam? I sure as hell would. So Reno straps on the power tool and goes out to aerate as many people as he can. 

The Driller Killer

All of the killings are non-graphic, except for the close-up of his agent’s head when Reno takes his time on the screaming critic. Whaddaya know — the punk band’s noise comes in handy when covering up the shrieks of the power tooled. Reno’s girlfriend has had it and goes back to her husband. Guess who follows? [Insert revving power tool sounds here].

The Driller Killer

Oh, yeah — Reno’s chick roommates take a shower together. This was most excellent and absolutely integral to the plot, the message being that it’s important to maintain proper cleanliness and hygiene as it applies to all nooks AND crannies. I’m supportive of that stuff.

Spanish Neck-Eater

Posted in Foreign Horror, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shiver

In the succinctly titled Shiver (2008), a Spanish teen just moved into the hood with his mother in a house so far out in the woods, even bugs won’t go there. He thinks he’s a vampire and even dreams of being caught in the daylight and his skin burning as if dipped in deep-fryer oil. There is no explanation as to why he’s sun-phobic, other than to set him up as a bully target at school. Can’t blame them — the kid has wimp written all over him.

Shiver

Soon, local animals, a shepherd, and even a schoolmate all turn up deader than the town’s nightlife, with throats torn into Shredded Wheat™, but with more stringy tendons than you get in a large box. Everybody (me included) thinks Santi (the emovampire” kid) is responsible. He’s not — but he might know who did.

Shiver

There’s a creature in the woods that zooms around ripping throats apart. Sasquatch? Nope. A bear with a taste for huckleberries and human flesh? Not quite. Extraterrestrials looking for new orifices to “examine”? Not this time. A vampire? Ha — you are SO wrong. A little girl who, after getting lost in the woods while in Africa, raises herself and eventually gets brought back to Spain. You’re getting warmer.

Shiver

Later the girl witnesses her parents being violently killed, which drove her mad. So she’s dumped into an orphanage, where she kills and maims the Sisters at the Nun School For The Ferally-Challenged. Back to the woods with you, ya mangy pup.

Shiver

In an effort to clear his name of the murders and solve the mystery, Santi, a school buddy and the police detective’s daughter (who is hot for Santi, probably because he has a Hot Topic™ vibe) enter the woods to find this eater of necks.

Shiver

While there, they trip over a village secret that threatens to tear the whole town into remorseful serving portions. The feral girl does her bit on the man who killed her parents. Santi discovers he’s not a vampire, but hates the sun all the same. His mom is visibly relieved and a little blood gets spilled. Scary? Nope. Suspenseful. Nope. Broadway-caliber acting. Yes. I mean, no. Worth renting? Only if you’re an emo wannabe vampire with crybaby tendencies when exposed to the sun.

Horror Massacre’d

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 31, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

The suggestive noun “massacre” – a 1580s, French word meaning “wholesale slaughter, carnage” – first got its Broadway movie marquee worthy start in 1974 with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Few, if any horror movies, has ever had a better title. You didn’t even need to see it as the name said it all and gave you nightmares in your pants.

Horror Massacre

This set off a series of horror movies using that highly marketable buzzword, including The Slumber Party Massacre (1982), Sorority House Massacre (1986), Nail Gun Massacre (1985), Swingers Massacre (1975), Drive-in Massacre (1977), and my fav, Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre (aka, Harpoon/2009). P.S. No whales were massacred during the filming of said movie – just endangered people.

Now, because it just seems right, “massacre” is making a comeback, despite the evening news tarnishing its reputation. Three new horror movies – Garden Party Massacre, The Funhouse Massacre and Sheborg Massacre, all have imminent release dates as it pertains to the calendar you’re looking at on your smartass phone.

Here’s press release sales pitches as to why you might let these movies massacre your wallet…

Garden Party Massacre

GARDEN PARTY MASSACRE
A fast-paced, hilarious romp in the vein of Shaun of the Dead (2004) and Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (2010), telling the tale of a backyard gathering of friends that goes horribly awry when an unexpected guest arrives. With a pickax. And an attitude.

The Funhouse Massacre

THE FUNHOUSE MASSACRE
Six of the worlds scariest psychopaths escape from a local asylum and proceed to unleash terror on the unsuspecting crowd of a Halloween Funhouse whose themed mazes are inspired by their various reigns of terror.

Sheborg Massacre

SHEBORG MASSACRE
When an alien fugitive crash lands into a local puppy farm and begins turning people into machines that feed on puppy flesh, Dylan – a self styled tough girl and punk activist — has to decide if she believes in any cause enough to risk her life, take on the SheBorg menace, and save the world.

Daily News

All three sound pretty cool. Doubtful they’ll instill as much horifying impact as the evening news, though. Thanks, mainstream media, for desensitizing me. Now all I do is laugh when watching horror movies. We weren’t supposed to do that.