Archive for Poltergeists

Naked Ghost

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 11, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Haunted

The generically-titled Haunted (1995) is a supernatural thriller with sexy results set in the early 1900s. And by sexy, I mean seeing a young and fetching Kate Beckinsale de-clothed and having premarital bouncy-bounce with the parapsychologist investigating her and her two brother’s Edbrook Manor to see if it’s really haunted.

Haunted

Professor David Ash is tormented by the drowning death of his sister. (Hello — did the sign not say “no lifeguard on duty”?) So he goes around debunking ghosts, even though his sister is one. When he arrives at Edbrook it doesn’t take long for eerie doo doo to start hitting the eerie fan.

HauntedIt’s all standard ghost house stuff, but the best part happens when Kate de-clothes herself. She doesn’t really need ’em because she and her brother are the poltergeists that are haunting their own house. (Don’t give me that look — you would’ve figured it out 15 minutes into the flick.) Just watch it to see Kate do with the professor what she won’t be doing with you.

Haunted

Ghost Hotels, Unnatural Disasters and Cigar Zombies

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Stanley Hotel

Prepping for my annual solo holiday trek to downtown Portland, OR, my favorite city within 175 miles from where I’m littering. This year will be a bit different as I plan on visiting several Chamber of Commerce endorsed haunted buildings, one of which happens to be the very hotel I’m staying at. (Love the new bathroom upgrades at The Benson, but the ghosts could be a bit more spookier.)

Room 217

The hotel that’s on my bucket list is, of course, The Stanley Hotel (aka, The Overlook Hotel in The Shining), located at 333 E Wonderview Ave, Estes Park, CO. (And in case you need the zip code: 80517.) Their website has this to say about that: “The Stanley Hotel features a variety of rooms with high paranormal activity including the famous Stephen King Suite 217, the Ghost Hunters’ favorite room 401; as well as 407, 428 and 1302. These are among our most-requested rooms, availability is limited.”

White Eagle Saloon

While I polter-hunt/drink in Old Town Pizza, Crystal Ballroom and the White Eagle Saloon, all of which have documented ghost sightings (and tasty snacks), here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not scare the Christmas wrap outta you…

Dangerous People

DANGEROUS PEOPLE (available now)
“In the early 1970s two murderers pick up a girl in a bar and take her back to their apartment. A moment of brutal violence occurs, which leads to a series of mind games to see who lives and who dies. Dangerous People is a psychedelic trip that is equal parts crazy, scary, sexy, funny, sick and tragic.”

Crazy, scary, sexy, funny, sick and tragic. Aren’t those the ingredients on Fruity Pebbles™ cereal boxes? (That stuff has more artificial coloring than a beauty parlor.)

Channel Zero: Butcher's Block

CHANNEL ZERO: BUTCHER’S BLOCK (2018)
“Inspired by Kerry Hammond’s ‘Search and Rescue Woods’ Creepypasta tale, Butcher’s Block tells the story of a young woman named Alice who moves to a new city and learns about a series of disappearances that may be connected to a baffling rumor about mysterious staircases in the city’s worst neighborhoods. With help from her sister, they discover that something is preying on the city’s residents.”

This sounds a lot better than the fizzled dud, Channel Zero: No-End House (2017). Sure, it got off to a great start, what with some teens going into a reputed spook house that preys on your innermost fears and doesn’t have an exit. But every slow-moving episode that followed felt like a no-end mini-series.

The Quake

THE QUAKE (2018)
“In 1904 an earthquake of magnitude 5.4 on the Richter Scale shook Oslo, with an epicenter in the ‘Oslo Graben’, which runs under the Norwegian capital. There are now signs that indicate that we can expect a major future earthquake in Oslo.”

You could almost predict this one — it’s being done by the same folks who made the Norwegian hit disaster movie, The Wave (2015). Another prediction: Once The Quake comes out, they’ll start working on The Really Windy Day, A Tree In the Road and The Pothole.

Rise of the Living Dead

RISE OF THE LIVING DEAD (2018)
“In 1962, Dr. Ryan Cartwright was on the scientific and altruistic path to find a way for humans to sustain life in the event of M.A.D. (Mutual Assured Destruction), a huge topic brought on by the Cuban Missile Crisis. Little did he know that over the course of the next several years of his life, he would take a well-funded and military focused journey to the darkest corners of the world as he creates the ultimate weapon for the government and a curse that will plague mankind for the rest of days.”

Cool title for YET ANOTHER zombie movie. Interesting to frame it around the Cuban Missile Crisis, which, I always thought was a near miss catastrophe about the Cuban cigar shortage. (Cigars are missile-shaped, hence, I assumed, the term.) Warning: this is what beer does to you.

A Baker’s Dozen Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Thir13en Ghosts

An evil rich uncle figured out a way to capture souls and store them in stay-fresh cubicles in his house, which is made of glass walls with Latin slogans on them to keep the pesky dead from touching his stuff.

Thir13en Ghosts

These ghosts aren’t of the Casper variety — they’re the most gnarliest, f’d-up poltergeists on the planet, looking like they came from Marilyn Manson’s shiny pants.

Thir13en GhostsEach of these ghosts were chosen for their unique energy, which, when combined with a demonic machine and a spell from some spell book, will open the Eye of Hell, allowing the user to see behind the creation curtain. (I’ve seen it — just a bunch of boxes filled with last year’s Christmas decorations.)

Thir13en Ghosts

A family inherits the evil uncle’s house after said relative dies while trying to round up a ghost that doesn’t want to be rounded up. “This isn’t a house; it’s a machine made by the Devil and powered by the Dead,” remarks one ghost-hunter. An understatement — all the ghosts are contained in the basement, but the family screws around with the buttons in the Rubik’s Cube™ mansion and let the stinky wraiths out. Then it’s smack ass time.

Thir13en Ghosts

These ghosts make Hellraiser’s Cenobites look like cotton candy vendors at Disneyland™. Blood and guts decorate the stylish glass walls like Dutch Boy™ paint. Lots of swearing, tension, and a handful of flinchy moments that’ll have you tossing your popcorn before you eat it, thereby wasting it.

Thir13en Ghosts

2001’s Thir13en Ghosts (a hardcore graphic re-imagining of 13 Ghosts/1960) is quite lean on suspense and backstory, though, which makes it hard to give the ghosts some love when you don’t really know anything about them. As for the evil uncle, it’s not explained why he’s so mean. No matter; It’s heartwarming to see such ultra-violence and brain goo.

Hanging Out With Ghosts

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 9, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Heirloom

James hasn’t been home for a while. Twenty years, in fact, studying abroad. (Instead of studying a broad — heh.) Imagine his surprise when he finds out he’s inherited the family’s huge mansion and can live there rent free. Sure, the place is in disrepair and could use a good de-ghosting. But free is always a good thing. Or is it?

The Heirloom

James invites his friends over to drink some wine. (What, you too good for beer? Posers.) During the sipping something happens to their guests. The house has that effect on people, seeing how all those years ago the entire family committed suicide by hanging — all at the same time. The family that slays together, stays together.

The Heirloom

Over the course of the slowly advancing plot, we discover the multi-millionaire family used ghost children to help make them powerful and rich, and a way to smite their enemies. All this time I thought you just needed to rub a lamp. The care and feeding of the ghosts is another issue altogether, using family members’ um, juices for spiritual potato chips. If you got sick or came down with a case of the brain tumors and polluted the food chain, then into the attic you went — for years.

The Heirloom

The bottom line is James’ friends are being hanged by invisible rope. (It’s amazing how technology has advanced.) His girlfriend finds out the secret of the tainted house and why it seems more haunted than usual.

The Heirloom

The Heirloom (aka, Zhai bian/2005) is murderously tedious, not particularly creepy, and bogged down with too much talk (sub-titles), and not nearly enough cursed spirits. This is surprising given that there are so many ghosts out of work, a fair number of whom would intern for free if given the chance.

Finding UFOs, Imagined Ghosts, Whiskey Cake

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

UFO Detector

Found this old UFO Detector ad and it got me thinking — my old one is on its last legs and I need a new UFO Detector with more buttons and shinier lights. That means it’ll work better.

So did my old UFO Detector — purchased on eBay™ for $800 actually work? Yes and no. Yes, in that it kept detecting things I was cooking (unidentified frying objects). No, in that I was unable to get a refund.

Speaking of getting your money back for bogus products, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not detect anything but how much disposable income you have in your wallet and how few operating brain cells you have left in your head…

The Basement

THE BASEMENT (October 7, 2017/ Shriekfest Film Festival)
“An L.A. serial killer known as The Gemini, tortures and ultimately murders his victims in the dungeon-like basement of his San Fernando Valley home. Gemini has already claimed seven victims, all of whom he has horrifyingly maimed and decapitated with a blowtorch, but Craig Owen, the famed musician who Gemini has chosen for his eighth victim, and Craig’s beautiful wife Kelly prove every bit the killers equal in the art of psychological warfare, giving rise to one of the more diabolical plot twists in recent memory.”

Maimed and decapitated with a blowtorch. Along with peanut butter and olive loaf sandwiches, several words you probably wish to never hear again. But apparently there are enough torture porn freaks out there (looking in your direction every one of you) to make this a mouth-curling viewing experience.

1922

1922 (October 29, 2017/Netflix™)
1922 is based on Stephen King’s 131-page story telling of a man’s confession of his wife’s murder. The tale is told from the perspective of Wilfred James, the story’s unreliable narrator who admits to killing his wife, Arlette, with his son in Nebraska. But after he buries her body, he finds himself terrorized by rats and, as his life begins to unravel, becomes convinced his wife is haunting him.”

Horror author icon Stephen King continues his hot streak with this offering of old time-y ghosts, real or imagined. The rats are real, though. They make up most of the population of Nebraska from what the Internet tells me. I want to believe.

Halloween Pussy Trap KIll! Kill!

HALLOWEEN PUSSY TRAP KILL! KILL! (October 27, 2017)
“On Halloween an all girl rock-n-roll band called Kill Pussy Kill ventures out to play their biggest show to date. However, before hitting the road they manage to unwittingly upset a man. Unfortunately, this man turns out to be an evil genius dead set on revenge and manages to lure the girls into his Hell House. When they wake up from being gassed, they find themselves trapped inside an inescapable room filled with a vicious variety of devices that can kill them as well as a variety of weapons that can be used on each other. The rules are simple: advance through all three rooms and you are allowed to go free. The catch is, in order to make it to the next room, someone must die! With a ticking clock, and the mastermind watching, the question becomes — are you willing to kill to stay alive?”

A nice homage to Russ MeyersFaster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (1965). That one has voluptuous, sadistic go-go dancers causing all sorts of misc. heckaroo. Halloween Pussy Trap Kill! Kill! sounds like a segment from any one of the Saw movies. I prefer go-go dancers with a penchant for low-cut fashion-ware and purse cutlery.

Impossible Horror

IMPOSSIBLE HORROR (2018)
“Every night a scream rings out in the same neighborhood. Two insomniac strangers, Lily the filmmaker and Hannah the game designer, head out together into the darkness to find the cause. Is it a psychotic killer claiming a new victim? A murderous ghost out for revenge? A flesh-eating monster? All of the above with extra chainsaws? Before they know it, Lily and Hannah have gone from being scream hunters to scream prey, and an evil force wants them dead.  If they can both survive the night, they may just find the answers they’re looking for, but the price will have to be paid in sanity and blood.”

Sounds like another typical night at TGI Fridays™. And yes, “evil force” is on their menu under desserts: Tennessee Whiskey Cake (Toffee cake, candied pecans, vanilla ice cream. Butterscotch Jack Daniel’s® Whiskey sauce.) The price is whatever the going rate for a soul is these days.

Finger Wicks, Knights Templar, Ego Horror

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 19, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Halloween Candle

Always look forward to the new decorations they put on sale a Planet Halloween™ this time each year. While I’m a big fan of the classic (Whoopee Cushion™, Fart In A Can™, Electric Handshake Buzzer (you can use it on just about any body part), the new one I should buy with every bitcoin I can scrape up is the Halloween Wax Bleeding Hand Candle. Right out of the gate it reminds me of the hand in 1972’s made for TV horror, When Michael Calls. (The scene with Michael’s ghostly, manifested hand in a fishbowl that still makes my cushion go whoopee! every time)

Yeah, there’s been lots of bleeding hand candles before, but this one is the most realistic, especially if your name is Michael. And you can get one of this babies at CreepyCandles.net for a mere wallet-melting $35.00 bones ( no pun intended.) While you’re working your fingers to the bone (sorry) to come up with the appropriate digits (sorry), here are a few just released horror and sci-fi moves that may or may not set off your Whoopee! CushionJack Hunter's Paranoia

JACK HUNTER’S PARANOIA TAPES (available now)
“Jack Hunter presents a found footage movie that will surely put you on the edge of your seats and will send a chill down the bottom of your spine.”

Just when you thought a movie title and press release couldn’t get any more lazy/cliched. It’s one thing to present yourself as a filmmaker and put your own name in the title when all you’re doing is a found footage fare (no skill required). That’s like saying just because you tried out for American Idol™, that makes you a singer. Secondly, who the canned spray fart says “sends a chill down to the bottom of your spine” anymore? That is so hack, even my proctologist doesn’t use that phrase — and that procedure is so g’dam horrifying, it sends a chill down to my very bottom.

Stag Night

STAG NIGHT (available now)
“A satanic Knights Templar crosses paths with Brian and his paintball-loving friends in this supernatural horror tale. Five years after the squad broke up, Brian’s old buddies get back together for a reunion. When they visit a forest paintball park though, the reunited friends find a sinister force of evil awaiting the group.”

Great — they besmirch the legend of the terrifying Knights Templar by putting ‘em in a paintball park. What’s next — a Knights Templar Tupperware Party? These guys are known for revenge eating your soul. Now they’re just a punchline in YET ANOTHER dumbass teen “horror” movie. Kinda makes you wanna sell your gang-emblem tunic and go back to being a door-to-door sword salesman.

Mad Cow

MAD COW (2017)
“A crazed scientist creates a half-man, half-cow creature, which goes on the rampage at an African game lodge.”

Um, has any of these filmmakers ever heard of the Greek mythological creature, the Minotaur (half-man/half-bull) or more notably, The Island of Dr. Moreau? Moreau has been turning jungle animals into human hybrids since 1913. Which begs the question — if you try and milk the half-man/half cow, are you just looking for cereal milk, or are you a fetish freak trying to pleasure said creature for your sick and twisted desires? The correct answer is to just walk away.

Haunted Changi

HAUNTED CHANGI (available now)
“Old Changi Hospital is one of the most notoriously haunted places in the world. A group of filmmakers explore the famously haunted old Changi Hospital in Singapore with terrifying and tragic results.”

A foreign version of about, oh, 10 dozen American horror movies with the EXACT SAME PLOT. I did, however, look up Changi Hospital and it’s a real abandoned mental hospital. Apparently, Singapore has a pile of those laying around as well. My hard detective work (drinking a beer, clicking around the Internet) reveals that Changi’s buildings are said to be haunted by the souls of the victims of the Japanese Occupation, homeless ghosts and the spirits of those who died in the hospital. Is it just me or don’t we go to hospitals to not die? No wonder the place went out of business; no one left to pay the bill.

Icy Horror, Chilling Ghosts, Cold Demons

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Want a real life/real time horror story? A Yahoo!.com science article published on Thursday, July 13, 2017 stated that unchecked climate change will eventually lead to widespread devastation on Earth. To that I say, YEESH! intentionally in all caps.

The jolting article, written by Business Insider’s Kevin Loria, goes on to say, “Rising seas will inundate coastal cities like Miami, searing heat will increase human mortality, and acidic oceans will become inhospitable to fish and coral, leaving behind little but rubbery masses of jellyfish. These consequences of human activity could be the thing that prevents our civilization from advancing much further. In a particularly extreme scenario, it could even wind up wiping us from the face of the Earth.” (They had me at “rubbery masses of jellyfish.”)

This information is timely given that a trillion ton glacier chunk the size of Delaware recently broke off the Antarctica ice shelf (it’s like a cupboard for frozen water), an event horizon that portends mega doom for at least more than a few Emperor penguins and/or whale-eating polar bears. And all this time I presumed aliens would zap our sorry asses, suck up all the valuables (gas, alcohol, bit coins, frozen burritos) and head back to Mars for a kick ass party.

Geostorm

Earth-ending weather-gone-wild horror movies are nothing new (the most recent upcoming  being Geostorm/2017), but to have it all come to real life is a whole different box office.

Speaking of, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies we may or may not get to see once that huge iceberg smashes into our neighborhoods and precious 7-Elevens™. But hey, at the very least, beer will be the coldest it’s ever been!

Planetarium

PLANETARIUM (August 11, 2017/New York — August 18, 2017/Los Angeles)
“In 1930s France, two sisters who are thought to be able to communicate with ghosts meet a visionary producer while performing in Paris.”

Interesting fun fact: All French people can communicate with ghosts, or “des fantômes.” And yes, it has everything to do with drinking a quart of wine per meal.

Ghost House

GHOST HOUSE (August 25, 2017)
A young couple, Jim and Julie, are vacationing in Thailand where Julie falls in love with photographing small shrines called ‘Ghost Houses’ that are believed to give spirits shelter and comfort. A couple of British travelers take them into the countryside with the promise of showing Jim and Julie a ghost house graveyard where many of the shrines are discarded. After leaving the graveyard with a souvenir, Julie is increasingly plagued by visits from a malevolent spirit that threatens both her sanity and her life. After Julie is literally frozen in a state of terror, Jim must find a way to lift the curse before he loses Julie to the ghost world forever.”

Yeah, you don’t wanna shoplift in graveyards. First, said item(s) are always gonna be marinated in evil. Secondly, you don’t want stealing from the dead on your record. As for the Ghost Houses, rent is oddly steep for those things. I looked ‘em up on Zillow.com. You can see pics of inside these houses and it looks like someone lives there — but you never actually see people in the photos. Sounds like ghosts to me.

Exorcism of the Dead

EXORCISM OF THE DEAD (2017/2018)
“Candace, a deeply troubled young woman, is possessed by an ambitious demon. Her family has tried every conventional method to heal her, but both medicine and psychology have failed. As a last resort, they reach out for aid from the church, unaware the priest who arrives to deal with the situation has his own dark secrets.”

This premise has been done and overdone more times than I’ve been exorcised (47 and counting. Note to stupid preachers — not possessed, just drunk-ish.) But I take my collar off for the demon’s sticktoitiveness work ethic.