Archive for Planet Halloween

Horror Trivia, Dead Dump, Ghost Boat

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Trivial Pursuit: Horror Movie Edition

As first reported by Reddit and not the fake news, USAopoly™ has released Trivial Pursuit: Horror Movie Edition™, just in time for the upcoming alt-Christian holiday All Hallow’s Eve, which is like Christmas for Planet Halloween™.

Trivial Pursuit: Horror Movie Edition

The details are as cool as the $19.99 price: 600 questions that cover 100 years of the horror genre, with topics like epic monster movies, the paranormal, slasher and goriest movies. I just soiled myself.

Trivial Pursuit: Horror Movie Edition

You can get this delivered right to your face mailbox through Amazon™ or GameStop™. Before you get to clickin’, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not fall into one or more of Trivial Pursuit’s Horror Movie™ categories…

I'll Take Your Dead

I’LL TAKE YOUR DEAD (2018/2019)
William has a simple job: he makes dead bodies disappear. Through circumstances out of his control, his little farm house in the country has become a dumping ground for the casualties of the gang related murders in the nearby city. His daughter Gloria has become used to the rough looking men dropping off corpses and is even convinced that some of them haunt their house. After a woman’s body is dumped at the house, William begins his meticulous process when he realizes that she’s not actually dead. As the gang activity increases, William patches up the woman and holds her against her will until he can figure out what to do with her. As they begin to develop an unusual respect for each other, the woman’s murderers get word that she’s still alive and make a plan to finish what they started.”

Dumping bodies on a farm? That’s why they’re called criminals; bodies can be recycled instead of becoming rodent/bug-attracting illegal landfill. If they can figure it out in Soylent Green (1973), so can we do it today.

Alive

ALIVE (2018)
“A male patient, badly injured from an unknown event, is trying to piece together his checkered past.”

This is normally referred to as a Defcon 1 hangover. It’s a moment when you come out of your alcoholic coma to find your body looking like raw hamburger. As painful as it is, you know there’s a really great — and highly likely — funny story behind it all.

The Boat

THE BOAT (2018)
“A lone fisherman on his daily run finds himself lost in a thick fog, which proves impossible to navigate. The worst is yet to come when his encounter with a seemingly abandoned sailboat becomes a fight for survival against an enemy unknown.”

Cool — ghost boat! Guess the life preservers didn’t work after all. Wonder if this event happened on a…May day. Heh.

Brothers’ Nest

BROTHERS’ NEST (2018)
“Two brothers are intent on murdering their stepfather before their dying mother changes her will in his favor.”

That’s one way to do it. Another way would be to dress up as the mom, go to the bank, and make a hefty withdrawal. I’ve heard that works 17% of the time. I’ll take those odds.

Finger Wicks, Knights Templar, Ego Horror

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 19, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Halloween Candle

Always look forward to the new decorations they put on sale a Planet Halloween™ this time each year. While I’m a big fan of the classic (Whoopee Cushion™, Fart In A Can™, Electric Handshake Buzzer (you can use it on just about any body part), the new one I should buy with every bitcoin I can scrape up is the Halloween Wax Bleeding Hand Candle. Right out of the gate it reminds me of the hand in 1972’s made for TV horror, When Michael Calls. (The scene with Michael’s ghostly, manifested hand in a fishbowl that still makes my cushion go whoopee! every time)

Yeah, there’s been lots of bleeding hand candles before, but this one is the most realistic, especially if your name is Michael. And you can get one of this babies at CreepyCandles.net for a mere wallet-melting $35.00 bones ( no pun intended.) While you’re working your fingers to the bone (sorry) to come up with the appropriate digits (sorry), here are a few just released horror and sci-fi moves that may or may not set off your Whoopee! CushionJack Hunter's Paranoia

JACK HUNTER’S PARANOIA TAPES (available now)
“Jack Hunter presents a found footage movie that will surely put you on the edge of your seats and will send a chill down the bottom of your spine.”

Just when you thought a movie title and press release couldn’t get any more lazy/cliched. It’s one thing to present yourself as a filmmaker and put your own name in the title when all you’re doing is a found footage fare (no skill required). That’s like saying just because you tried out for American Idol™, that makes you a singer. Secondly, who the canned spray fart says “sends a chill down to the bottom of your spine” anymore? That is so hack, even my proctologist doesn’t use that phrase — and that procedure is so g’dam horrifying, it sends a chill down to my very bottom.

Stag Night

STAG NIGHT (available now)
“A satanic Knights Templar crosses paths with Brian and his paintball-loving friends in this supernatural horror tale. Five years after the squad broke up, Brian’s old buddies get back together for a reunion. When they visit a forest paintball park though, the reunited friends find a sinister force of evil awaiting the group.”

Great — they besmirch the legend of the terrifying Knights Templar by putting ‘em in a paintball park. What’s next — a Knights Templar Tupperware Party? These guys are known for revenge eating your soul. Now they’re just a punchline in YET ANOTHER dumbass teen “horror” movie. Kinda makes you wanna sell your gang-emblem tunic and go back to being a door-to-door sword salesman.

Mad Cow

MAD COW (2017)
“A crazed scientist creates a half-man, half-cow creature, which goes on the rampage at an African game lodge.”

Um, has any of these filmmakers ever heard of the Greek mythological creature, the Minotaur (half-man/half-bull) or more notably, The Island of Dr. Moreau? Moreau has been turning jungle animals into human hybrids since 1913. Which begs the question — if you try and milk the half-man/half cow, are you just looking for cereal milk, or are you a fetish freak trying to pleasure said creature for your sick and twisted desires? The correct answer is to just walk away.

Haunted Changi

HAUNTED CHANGI (available now)
“Old Changi Hospital is one of the most notoriously haunted places in the world. A group of filmmakers explore the famously haunted old Changi Hospital in Singapore with terrifying and tragic results.”

A foreign version of about, oh, 10 dozen American horror movies with the EXACT SAME PLOT. I did, however, look up Changi Hospital and it’s a real abandoned mental hospital. Apparently, Singapore has a pile of those laying around as well. My hard detective work (drinking a beer, clicking around the Internet) reveals that Changi’s buildings are said to be haunted by the souls of the victims of the Japanese Occupation, homeless ghosts and the spirits of those who died in the hospital. Is it just me or don’t we go to hospitals to not die? No wonder the place went out of business; no one left to pay the bill.

Picking A Bone With Skeleton Man

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Skeleton Man

Schlock genre movie actor Casper Van Dien is part of YET ANOTHER commando troop wandering around the jungle to go after a paranormal whatever. This time it’s a guy wearing a black hood, cape and plastic skeleton mask purchased from the Planet Halloween™ discount bin.

Skeleton Man

The back story involves some ancient Indian guy who killed a bunch of people and somehow comes back to life, jumping in and out of a time portal to continue his stabby vocation. The military troops are unspectacularly (great word – I must use it more often) killed one by one until the leader manages to trap the “skeleton man” in a power plant and blow up the place.

Skeleton Man

Skeleton Man (2004) is so g-damn awful it almost made me consider religion as an escape. The dialogue actually hurts ears. And for once Casper Van Dien did the right thing and got himself taken out early on. Now if we can just get the Skeleton Man to do the same to whoever green-lighted this butt burrito.