Monster Brawl, Bedeviled Bluff, Sentient Body Parts

More teaser art for the upcoming six episode anime series Gamera: Rebirth on Netflix™ (sometime in 2023), with character posters depicting the kaiju ninja turtle swapping mutant DNA with long time nemesis Gyaos and that space oddity, Jiger. In total, the series states simply that Gam-Gam will get into a skirmish with five kaiju in all. Sounds like WWE’s™ Royal Rumble, but using buildings instead of folding metal chairs.

We all know Gyaos is an anvil-headed winged asshat who’ve been testing Gamera’s resolve since 1967. Gyaos is not only its birth name, but the name of an entire species of winged asshats. Jiger, in case it slipped your mind, is a mega-dinosaur kept out of commission by the Devil’s Whistle, a statue of unknown origins on Wester Island in the Pacific Ocean. Jiger’s powers — other than he’s a she — include jet propulsion (jets in the back of her hairdo), magnetium beam (can shoot curved beams out of the corner of her head so it doesn’t smear her lipstick), and shooting quills, not unlike a punk rock porcupine. 

Other old school kaiju from Gamera’s hit list could be Barugon (giant lizard with a unicorn horn, rainbow death ray that shoots out of it, extendo tongue), Viras (land squid with a spear head, able to swim and fly), Guiron (fat gator reptile, head shaped like a steak knife, can shoot shurikens stored in two indents on the side of his head, teeth 60 times sharper than a Mecha Piranha), and Zigra (alien space parrot, has a snack-pak variety of emitting beams — Cell Activity Suspension Beam, Fourth Dimensional Beam, Earthquake-Inducing Beam, Tri-Color Ray Blast — and can launch a nuclear weapon out of its mouth). All solid ingredients to make turtle soup.

So while we re-watch all the Gamera movies (there are 12), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you emit multi-colored beams out of your orifices…

THE BURIAL / Out now (VOD)
“When Molly’s boyfriend gets a phone call from his estranged brother, she thinks nothing of joining him on an impromptu family reunion at a remote cabin. However, she soon finds herself taking charge of a deadly situation when the trip’s true purpose is revealed and good intentions lead to a conflict with pure evil.”

Impromptu family reunions should take place at Red Robin™ or T.G.I. Fridays™. At either of those places you can get mozzarella sticks. At remote cabins in the woods, all you can get is sticks.

THE CURSE OF WOLF MOUNTAIN / May 2023 (VOD)

“AJ begins having vivid dreams of his parents’ death. He decides to go back to the spot where they were killed, 20 years ago, accompanied by his brother and his brother’s family. But legend has it there is something mysterious roaming these woods.”

The movie’s ad sheet says this one’s called Wolf Mountain. Serviceable, but boring. So they changed it after the fact to The Curse of Wolf Mountain. Just adding the word “curse” to anything makes it ominously cool. Example: The Curse of Ketchup…My Girlfriend’s Monthly Curse…Cursed Toilet Paper… Hey, this is fun!

APPENDAGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A young fashion designer seems fine on the surface but secretly struggles with debilitating self-doubt. Soon these buried feelings begin to make Hannah physically sick and sprout into a ferocious growth on her body: The Appendage. As Hannah’s health declines, The Appendage grows more powerful and begins to fuel her anxieties, her perceived lack of talent at work, her deteriorating relationships with her boyfriend and best friend and her parents’ lack of love and understanding. At her breaking point, Hannah makes a shocking discovery: there are others out there like her.”

I remember watching an adult movie called The Appendage. It didn’t have a plot.

THE WAIT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Eladio, hunting estate keeper, takes a bribe from a veteran hunter. Weeks later, his whole life falls apart. What looked like the opportunity of a lifetime, turns into a macabre descent to hell when he finds out that his misfortune might not be entirely by chance.”

They should’ve called this, Here Comes The Bribe.

Horror Espresso, Vile Romance, High School Ghost

Back in the late Sixties/early Seventies, there were more neighborhood VD clinics than coffee shops. These days you can’t walk 20 feet without bumping into someone coming out of a Starbucks™coffee shop, lip-locking an admittedly delicious Caramel Macchiato. As easy is it is to snark at the smug hipsters who pay $4.15 for something you can make at home for .35 cents (Folgers™ drip, double squeeze of pancake syrup, Cool Whip™ topping), what if was less pretentious, something more…horror-based? Enter Horror Vibes Coffee™ located in North Hollywood (specifically, 5251 Lankershim Blvd.)

As first reported by Bloody Disgusting, Horror Vibes Coffee™ serves up killer caffeine with names like “Chai-Day the 13th”, “The Candyman Dulce De Leche” and the morning go-to to-go, “Nightmare on Maple Street.” Horror coffee is well-positioned to replace breakfast as the most important meal of the day. 

But Horror Vibes Coffee™ isn’t just about the drinks. As Bloody Disgusting reports, “The shop is “loaded with horror vibes, from the paintings of horror icons outside to the Chucky and Annabelle dolls hanging out inside. Artwork on the walls pays tribute to everything from Terrifier 2 to the Scream franchise.”

While we redeem our Starbucks™ Rewards points for a bus ticket to Hollywood to bask in Horror Vibes Coffee’s™ vibes, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may are may not be made better topped with Cool Whip™…

THE COMMUNION GIRLS / Out now (VOD)

“Spain, late 1980s. Newcomer Sara tries to fit in with the other teens in this tight-knit small town in the province of Tarrgona. If only she were more like her extroverted best friend, Rebe. They go out one night at a nightclub, on the way home, they come upon a little girl holding a doll, dressed for her first communion. And that’s when the nightmare begins.”

In Spain this movie is called, La Niña de la Comunión. I have no idea what that means. It’s like they literally have a different word for everything. ¡Caramba!

PUISI CINTA YANG MEMBUNUH/ Out now (VOD)

The story of Ranum, who is always tricked by the sweet words of men who then betray her and later ends with death by a mysterious figure. Ranum’s family drama revolves around deceit; it is poetic, romantic, and hilarious which instantly turns into terror. Ranum decides to keep looking for true love, which is beautiful and brings kindness to ward off the tragedy she has experienced. Who is the figure who spreads the vile terror, and can Ranum find her love?”

First look at this movie’s title had me thinking someone barfed up a whole lotta Wordle™. Translated, it reads Deadly Love Poem. Normally, I would eschew (sorry — word of the day calendar) topics such as this as love and romance have no place in horror. A wood chipper, perhaps. However, when they put “vile terror” in the movie’s description, it gave me a glimmer of hope that love and romance could be acceptable within the context. 

THE WRAITH WITHIN / February 21, 2023 (VOD)

“When a group of friends returns to their hometown for a high school reunion, a tragic curse of the town’s history emerges to terrorize them after horrifying revelations put all of their lives in peril for a shocking night they may not all survive.”

The horrifying revelation is everybody got fat and bald. High school reunions are what real horror stories look like.

THIS LAND / March 10, 2023 (VOD)

“Ava, a traumatized mother agrees to a rustic getaway on the 4th of July with her husband and son in hopes of putting back the pieces of their lives. It’s the one-year anniversary of a violent home invasion that cost her unborn baby’s life. However, after arriving at the cabin rental they learn they are double booked with a family with very different political beliefs. Tensions boil over the weekend as the families confront grief, race, and the divide within the country. They soon realize something else is trying to drive them apart — a band of sinister elites targeting them for an ancient ritual.”

We see this on the news every night. Does there really have to be a movie about it? I am so done with ancient rituals.

Automated Nightmares, Werewolf Flowerbed, AM/FM Evil

In the exploding world of AI (artificial intelligence) art — where you type in key words/descriptive phrases and a sentient computer does the design for you — there’s only one question: can you call yourself an artist? This would be akin to rave DJs calling themselves musicians. (I stand on the “No — you’re not” side of that debate.)

No doubt the flood of AI art — accomplished by MidJourney.com — generates mind-altering and spectacular images; You don’t need a paintbrush to become a robotic Rembrandt — just type in a few words, click a button, and put your rage into the machine. And the horror/sci-fi/fantasy crowd doing this is hitting the gas. Take for example AI artist Paul Parsons (aka, jed.ai.master), who has taken his unique visions and pushes the boundaries of what this new technology can do. And he did it without crayons, water colors, pencils or chalk, the preferred medium of today.

While you click on over to MidJourney.com and start creating your own line of virtual virtuosity, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi TV series/movies that may or may not be made by a computer. An iPhone™ maybe…

SCARE BNB: THE HOSTS / February 28, 2023 (DIVABoxOffice.tv)

“The first original, LGBTQ+ series: two couples — long-time friends since high school — are in high spirits when they arrive at a remote, rental cabin in the Tennessee woods for a much-needed vacation. But, upon their arrival, they find the overly attentive owners may want to host them to death.”

A remote cabin in the Tennessee woods? Um, that’s exactly where The Evil Dead was filmed in 1981. I’ll bet my possessed soul that it’s the same cabin, too. Wonder if those evil neighbors still live nearby? They seemed nice.

WOLF GARDEN / February 28, 2023 (VOD)

“A man who has gone into isolated hiding is haunted by visions.”

If you wanna keep wolves out of your garden, fertilize it with Nair™ and… Okay, I took the shot and missed the rim. It’s been a rough week. Maybe I should get in a little isolated hiding.

SOUND OF SILENCE / March 9, 2023 (VOD)

“When her father is gravely injured, Emma returns to her family home in Italy. Alone in the house while her father recovers, she encounters a haunted radio — and the evil entity behind it. With the supernatural force growing stronger by the hour, Emma must reveal the dark secret behind the radio’s curse to survive the night.”

I think it’d be really cool to listen to a haunted radio. Just as long as the supernatural DJ doesn’t play rap music. Smooth jazz, yes. Hip hop, hell to tha no.

THE KNOCKING / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Three adult siblings return to their childhood home where their parents were allegedly murdered many years ago. The plan is to get the house and estate ready to be sold but it turns out there’s something evil that tries to prevent them from doing so.”

If they find a buyer who doesn’t mind murder stains (anything can be covered up with paint), they’ll make a…killing…on the sale. I have no idea why I find that to be funny.

Sheet-Faced, Alien Chart-Toppers, Cursed Knick Knacks

If you’re looking to break free of Bed, Bath & Beyond’s™ death grip on the sheets/blankets industrial complex, click on over to Wonderskull.com and become awash in skull horror duvets with matching pillowcases — and do away with your visually flaccid Nestwell™ Supreme Softness Plush Blankets and decorative pillows.

Wonderskull.com’s mattress-blowing selection of staggeringly artful skull duvet sets (172 and counting) will change your night life for an average price of $89.95. And with sizes ranging from US Twin to UK Super King (isn’t that the name of England’s president?), they have your bed covered. Heh.

The duvets aren’t the only things Wonderskull.com offers. Check out their like-themed area rugs, lamps and candles to accentuate your new bed clothes. And speaking of clothes, They offer a plethora of horror, steampunk, Gothic, Victorian, and witchy sleepwear and lingerie, bikini and swimsuit, to hoodies and rompers (short pants trousers). Heck, they’re so cool, you could charge people to come over and look at you.

While you’re trying to figure out where to donate your stained sheets (try Motel 6™) and turn your four-legged futon into the nightmare of your dreams, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you soil your stylishly adorned bed…

TOP 25 ALIEN ENCOUNTERS: UFO CASE FILES EXPOSED / Out now (Apple TV™)

“The recent revelation that the U.S. Government has been actively investigating UFO sightings and encounters has opened a new chapter in the pursuit of truth behind alien visitations. Top 25 Alien Encounters explores some of the most mind-blowing cases of recent times, exposing new details behind hidden secrets, suppressed evidence and cover-ups. Stunning military encounters, astronaut accounts, abductions, crashed UFO retrievals, alien body examinations, startling witness confessions, NASA’s™ subversive agenda and much more reveal a foreboding reality — that they no longer hide in the shadows, but are looming over us in plain sight.”

Pffft —my alien abduction case didn’t even make their Top 30. There’s your real suppressed evidence/cover-up.

DISQUIET / February 10, 2023 (Paramount+/VOD)

“After a near-fatal car accident, Sam wakes to discover he is trapped in an abandoned hospital by mysterious and sinister forces that have no intention of letting him leave.”

Don’t be fooled by the lackluster title and sales pitch — the trailer for this one looks like the stepchild of Resident Evil (2002) and Silent Hill (2006). And that’s a good thing.

ANT-MAN AND THE WASP: QUANTUMANIA / February 17, 2023 (Theaters) 

“Together, with Hope’s parents Hank Pym and Janet Van Dyne, the family finds themselves exploring the Quantum Realm, interacting with strange new creatures and embarking on an adventure that will push them beyond the limits of what they thought was possible.”

What they’ll discover is the creature-dwelling Quantum Realm is really…the Tug Tavern. (Like you didn’t see that coming.)

FREE TO A BAD HOME / February 17, 2023 (VOD)

“The lives of three strangers — a widow, a thief and an addict — are terrorized by cursed objects and those that spread them.”

I have a bedeviled candy dish. Everything that comes out of it makes you fat.

Monster Master, G-Rated Zombies, Hotel Hell

According to Wikipedia™ (that name sounds so made up), filmmaker John Carpenter is generally recognized as one of the greatest masters of the horror genre. Of course he is. This is the guy who brought us classic horror/sci-fi movies like Halloween (1978), The Fog (1980), The Thing (1982), Christine (1983), Prince of Darkness (1987), Vampires (1998), and Ghost of Mars (2001). Insert mic drop sound here.

So it makes perfect sense Carpenter hosts Masters of Monsters, Godzilla!, a Godzilla Monster Marathon airing November 3rd through November 6th, 2022 on Shout! Factory TV, TokuShoutsu, Scream Factory TV and Shout! Cult. P.S. National Godzilla Day is November 3rd, which amazingly ties in with this show’s G-Fest. Nice timing!

From Shout Factory’s press release: “This November, Shout Factory is celebrating Godzilla day and doing it up big, with Masters of Monsters, Godzilla! Carpenter is sitting down and presenting his four favorite monster films directed by Ishiro Honda: Godzilla, The uncut Japanese original (Gojira), Rodan, Ghidorah, The Three-Headed Monster, and The War of the Gargantuas. Carpenter will be our Master of Monsters tour guide, making appearances throughout to discuss his love for the franchise.”

While you click on over to MastersofMonsters.com for more info (or “information”), here are a few out now and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may be worthy of a John Carpenter endorsement…

SAWED OFF / Out now (VOD)

“Two hunters, friends for years and vying for the affections of the same woman, find themselves on cursed land where they keep killing each other and coming back to life.”

The beginning of Sawed Off is worth the rental price. There’s naked nudity, outdoor sex, a loaded shotgun, exit wounds… You could stop the movie right here and know you got your money’s worth.

ZOMBIE TOWN / December, 2022 (Theaters)

“A fantastical film turns an entire town into zombies. It’s up to two teenagers to save them.”

This is based on the R.L Stine kid’s horror book of the same name. This means you won’t see zombies mouth-kissing fresh flesh as if it were free hamburgers on sale.

TALES FROM THE OCCULT / Release pending 2022 (VOD)

“An old school anthology consisting of three short films, Tales from the Occult is the first in a new omnibus series about the hidden horrors that lurk behind the urban landscape of Hong Kong.”

Wonder what the hidden horrors are lurking behind Hong Kong’s urban landscape? I’m thinkin’ a Ringu or two, undercooked chicken teriyaki bowls, tourists… 

HAZBIN HOTEL / Summer 2023 (VOD)

“Charlie, the princess of Hell, pursues her seemingly impossible goal of rehabilitating demons to peacefully reduce overpopulation in her kingdom. After a yearly extermination imposed by angels, she opens a hotel in the hopes that patients will be ‘checking out’ into Heaven. While most of Hell mocks her goal, her devoted partner Vaggie, and their first test subject, adult film-star Angel Dust, stick by her side. When a powerful entity known as the ‘Radio Demon’ reaches out to assist Charlie in her endeavors, her crazy dream is given a chance to become a reality.”

Adult animation. Cartoon boobies are almost as fun as those mythical real ones. They should make a movie about that.

Queen Ghidorah, Weathered Clowns, Men (And Women) In Black

Three more/new promotional key art for Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019). This brings the total of advertising posters (so far) to 14. They only needed one to get my drool cup overflowing. The bulk of the art depicts Godzilla squaring of with King Ghidorah. It’d be cool if a Queen Ghidorah showed up. And each one of her heads could have a different hairdo. That’d be pretty dang funny.

Hot on the heels of the first trailer for It: Chapter Two (September 6, 2019), comes the second of two movie posters. I get that the balloons factor in, but when are they gonna put out some art with Pennywise? Sure, it would no doubt goon out everyone at the mall. So what? Make ’em fill their pants! And speaking of the first trailer, those two minutes alone require you wear Depends™ while watching it. You can thank me later.

A hot-off-the-press new poster for the impending Clownado. There have been several others that were just “meh” (the first one looked like someone with a degree in doodling designed it), but this one is killer. No pun intended. 

In case you didn’t write it down when I first e-barfed about this back in April or 2018, it goes something like this: “Cursed demonic circus clowns set out on a vengeful massacre using tornadoes. A stripper, Elvis impersonator, truck driver, teen runaway, and a dude get caught in the supernatural battle between femme fatal and the boss clown from Hell.” They had me as cursed demonic circus clowns.

The Japanese version of Men In Black: International (June 14, 2019) brings the total of advertising art to 10. I looked at all of ‘em. They’re kinda okay, though I’d tell the movie studio to keep working on ‘em — they need more…doodling. 

TV Superheroes, Wooden Evil, Bad Babies

Cracking up over the “cover story” of the Daily Planet (where Superman as Clark Kent works for minimum wage) about superheroes uniting to protect the Earth. Whoever mocked this up is a flippin’ genius and probably drinks a lot of smart water.

The article is “written” by Lois Lane. So awesome. But it’s the photo of Superman (George Reeves), Batman (Adam West), Robin (Burt Ward) Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter) and Aquaman (Lloyd Bridges) that’s even better because none of these heroes overlapped in the same time/universe. Conclusive proof: Adventures of Superman aired from 1952 — 1958. Batman aired from 1966 — 1968. Wonder Woman aired from 1975 — 1979. And Sea Hunt (here’s the genius part) aired from 1958 — 1961. Outside of a pilot episode that sunk faster than a heavy metal clam, there was no Aquaman TV series. There was, however, a cartoon series that ran from 1967 — 1970, so someone cast former United States Navy frogman Mike Nelson (Lloyd Bridges) as the scuba-doo underwater hero (Sea Hunt ran for 155 episodes). That he was depicted as Aquaman (in his original DC Comics suit) is full-on brilliant. P.S. Aquaman was punked by Man From Atlantis, which ran from 1977 — 1978, and featured a guy with “amphibious abilities.” That is so low tide.

While I go to Metropolis to get a copy of the Daily Planet and frame it, here’s a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be worthy of a Lois Lane cover story…

BLOOD CHILD (available now)
“After suffering a devastating miscarriage in Singapore, Ashley turns to a witch doctor to help her with the occult practice of raising a ‘ghost child’ and finding the spirit of her lost child. After returning to the States, Ashley and her husband Bill find themselves pregnant again. However, their happiness is short lived as the pregnancy acts as a catalyst for a series of terrifying events that start to occur within their home. The family soon learns that Ashley has brought back a lot more than just memories from Asia. The spirit of their lost child is not about to play second fiddle to the impending new arrival, and unleashes an unspeakable evil upon the household.”

YET ANOTHER evil kid birth movie. Start with Rosemary’s Baby (1968) and go from there. So what do you feed the little home wrecker — Gerber’s™ Demon Peas? (Their strained Hell bananas, though, are to die for. No pun intended.)

ROOTWOOD (2018)
“Students Jessica and William are hosting The Spooky Hour, a podcast about paranormal phenomena and urban legends, when they’re hired by the Hollywood film producer Laura Benott to produce a horror documentary about the Curse of the Wooden Devil. They smell a chance to become famous. Together with their friend Erin they enter Rootwood Forest and investigate the area to find out the truth about the Wooden Devil and his victims.”

Sounds like YET ANOTHER Blair Witch Project (1999) knock-off/rip-off. What if they get there, only to find out the Wooden Devil is just handmade birdhouse? We can only hope satanic seagulls live in it.

THE WIND (2018)
“A supernatural thriller set in the Western frontier of the late 1800s, where a plains-woman is driven mad by the harshness and isolation of the untamed land.”

She’s not looking at the plus side of living way out in the middle of nowhere. No traffic, noisy neighbors and plenty of flesh-eating buffalo to play fetch with and occasionally rub their fuzzy bellies (they really like that). Sounds like a slice of Heaven to me.

ISABELLE (2019)
“An all-American couple dream of starting a family is shattered after they move into the perfect New England neighborhood. Once settled, they soon after descend into the depths of terror as they struggle to survive a genuine threat from a dark presence that appears to want to end their very lives.”

Though this one was originally titled, The Wanting, it should’ve been called The Republicans. It also describes me in a dive bar, or “unkempt tavern.”

Fur Where There Was No Fur Before

Back in the suit-n-tie days, Larry Talbot returns to Wales after finding out his brother died. Larry thinks it’s a good opportunity to reconcile with his estranged father. Nice timing for a family patching as Larry’s about to become the family dog.

While out on the town, Larry buys a stylish walking cane with a silver wolf’s head for a handle. Looks badass. So much so, he uses it to kill a rogue wolf, sustaining a Band-Aid™ worthy wound during the furry fracas. He later learns that wolf was the son of a gypsy, and…(wait for it)…a WEREWOLF! The wolf man curse has now been non-sexually transferred to Larry. And once the full moon rises, no fire hydrants within miles are safe.

Once he finds out he’s behind all the village attacks, Lon Chaney, Jr.’s painfully remorseful Larry Talbot/Wolf Man actually makes you feel sorry for him. But don’t try and pet him soothingly in wolf form as your arm will no longer be yours to swing around at dances and/or flight decks.

The entire werewolf mythology — needing a haircut when the moon is full, silver ammunition (or handles on whacking canes), pentagrams, wolfsbane, neck biting and/or neck ripping — comes from this enduring and resonant story of what happens when you’re bitten by a wolf. And not just any old wolfy flea bag…one that’s cursed.

The ultra eerie woods and clinging fog impose a sense of tangible dread, as does that freaky, old-as-dirt gypsy woman who recites the famous werewolf poem: “He who drinks beer by the light of the moon, turns into a jackass, a moron, a goon.” (Okay, I may have not remembered that poem correctly.)

You probably already saw The Wolf Man, a landmark horror movie, when it came out in 1941. Those of you who haven’t watched since then, do so again. Today if possible. Those of you who haven’t watched it at all, you can’t really call yourself a horror movie fan until you do. The Wolf Man is required viewing, people.

Space Cat, Highway To Hell, Zombies vs. Kids

Finally, a book worth reading — a re-telling of the famous events that took place in Alien (1979) on the space freighter Nostromo when the crew brought back a face-hugging alien from the planet below. And it’s done by Jonesey the cat’s point of view. Jonesy, as we know, is Ripley’s kitty and witnessed the whole “alien pops out of your chest” thing and kills the entire crew….except, of course, Ripley and Jonesy.

Due on October 16, 2018 on Titan Books, author Rory Lucey releases Jonesy: Nine Lives on the Nostromo, an illustrated book “that offers a cat’s eye view of all the terror!” Here’s the fun press release blurb: “Aboard the USCSS Nostromo, Jonesy leads a simple life enjoying The Company cat food and chasing space rodents. Until one day, his cryostasis catnap is rudely interrupted. The humans have a new pet…and it’s definitely not house-trained.”

Don’t know how much it’s gonna cost, but it shouldn’t matter as we all need to have this book. And while we contemplate space life from a feline’s point of view, here’s a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make your chest burst with excitement…

THE REJECTED (available now)
Recovered footage and self-filmed documentary that journals a UFO sighting and possible abduction. This found footage film will test even those with the most open-minded beliefs. Is The Rejected actual proof of aliens on Earth or is this an elaborate hoax? We let you decide.”

This is supposed to be a “documentary,” but I smell a found-footage rat. So have aliens really landed on Earth or is it an elaborate hoax? I’m gonna be absolutely decisive on this subject and say both.

ROAD TO HELL (August, 2018/Italy)
“A group of robbers fleeing to a new life, crossing their path with a woman, with her son and with the tragic curse they bring with them. A criminal boss and a mysterious organization of unscrupulous men, to help them, an ex-policeman with hasty methods and a jealous girlfriend. The escape will soon turn into a mad rush to Hell to save the life of the child and the fate of the world.”

If you’re from Italian Land (or “Italy”), this one’s called Fino all’Inferno. I have no idea what that means. Still, this sounds like a reality TV show. I can see wanting to save the kid, but we already know the horrible fate of the world — we’re living in it right now.

LITTLE MONSTERS (2018)
“Dave, a washed-up musician, volunteers to chaperone his nephew’s kindergarten class field trip after taking a shine to the plucky schoolteacher, Miss Caroline. Dave’s intentions are complicated by the presence of the world’s most famous kid’s show personality, and competition for Miss Caroline’s affections, Teddy McGiggle. One thing none of them bargained for however, is a sudden zombie outbreak, from which Dave and Miss Caroline must protect the children.”

A kid’s show personality calling himself, Teddy McGiggle? I bet the zombies would tell you he tastes funny.

SICK FOR TOYS (2018)
“Roy accepts an invitation to have Christmas dinner with a beautiful and strangely alluring woman. Once at dinner, he realizes that his date and her oddball brother are not what they seem, and he soon ends up fighting for his life.”

Yeah, but did he get to finish his meal first? Sure hope it wasn’t a three-bean casserole; you eat a plate of that and you’d definitely be fighting for your life. You, or the people sitting nearby. Heh.

Metal For Your Face, Empowered Horror Women, Cursed Movie Stars

If you’re a fan of heavy metal (again, why wouldn’t you be?), you’ll load your britches over a gaggle of new Iron Maiden “Eddie” Halloween masks by Trick or Treat Studios (.com). Eddie, as everyone in the universe knows (even aliens), is the ghoulish mascot for Iron Maiden, gracing the cover of all their albums, sometimes as a zombie slasher, undead WWII pilot, an Egyptian mummy and even a living dead cyborg. If I was a cyborg, I’d want to look like Eddie. Then we could hang out all day and do cool cyborg stuff.

So now Trick or Treat Studios is set to release four new Iron Maiden full head masks, including “Aces High” Eddie, Powerslave, Somewhere in Time Eddie, Final Frontier Eddie, and Number of the Beast Eddie. What, no Groundhog’s Day Eddie? Prices for this sublime face-wear ranges from $49.99 — $59.00. A mere pittance to look like one of heavy metal’s most famous icons.

A little history: the rotting, skeletal visage of Eddie was done by artist Derek Riggs, was based on an original design by art student who just happened to be BBFs with Dave “Lights” Beasley, who, back in the early band days, was in charge of lighting, pyrotechnics and other hearing-damaging effects for Iron Maiden’s live show.

The new masks will be available August/September of this year, which I was just told is 2018. Geez, it was 1980 just a few days ago. So while we wait for our molded plastic makeover, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to bang your rubber-encased head to…

DEAD LIST (May 1, 2018/VOD)
“Calvin is competing with five other actors — Zander, Scott, Kush, Jason and Bob — for a major movie role. Stopping at nothing to win the role of a lifetime, he uses a demonic book to curse his fellow actors, with each actor being killed off in their own separate unique and terrifying chapter.”

Sounds like one of those Final Destination (2000) things, but with demon flavorings added. The only demonic book I know is the TV Guide™. That flippin’ thing is evil and will suck your soul right out of your eyeballs on a nightly basis for hours at a time.

MARY SHELLEY (May 25, 2018)
“Passionate and rebellious teenager Mary Wollstonecraft finds a kindred spirit in poet Percy Shelley. Their whirlwind love affair scandalizes polite society, as the young couple gorge on literature and a bohemian life. When tragedy strikes and the couple lose their baby daughter, Mary strikes back, finding the courage and bravery to transform her pain into the world’s first science fiction novel, Frankenstein— all by the age of 18.”

Mary Shelley, back in the 1800s, was the woman who created Frankenstein, but she’s not the only one. Have you met my mom?

UNDER THE SILVER LAKE (June 22, 2018)
“Young and disenchanted Sam meets a mysterious and beautiful woman who’s swimming in his building’s pool one night. When she suddenly vanishes the next morning, Sam embarks on a surreal quest across Los Angeles to decode the secret behind her disappearance, leading him into the murkiest depths of mystery, scandal and conspiracy.”

I’m thinkin’ the girl in the pool is a ghost mermaid on the swim from the Law. As for the surreal quest across Los Angeles, just driving a few blocks in Hollywood definitely qualifies.

DON’T LEAVE HOME (2018/2019)
“An American artist’s obsession with a disturbing urban legend leads her to an investigation of the story’s origins at the crumbling estate of a reclusive painter in Ireland.”

I can only guess that the urban legend is a sober Irishman. Heh.