Archive for curse

Possessed Mirrors, Legacy Killers, Neighborhood UFOs

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dobaara: See Your Evil

Been on Mufon.com (Mutual UFO Network) again lately, a site that among other things documents UFO sightings in real time. Apparently, while I was watching episodes of Supergirl, iZombie, The Flash and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. last night, my neighborhood was being buzzed by no less than seven UFOS. That my neighborhood is situated along the flight path to the Sea-Tac Airport is but a mere coincidence.

UFOs cruising the hood and they didn’t have the decency to honk and wave going by? Speaking of things you may or may not to be oblivious of, here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks (or “movies”) that may or may not require your attention…

DOBAARA: SEE YOUR EVIL (June 2, 2017)
“Natasha and Kabeer Merchant come across a strange mirror while dealing with the death of their parents.”

A haunted mirror story, this one being from Bollywood and based on Oculus (2013) to the point of copyright infringement. There have been dozens of haunted mirror movies through the ages. And they all owe their plots to The Picture of Dorian Grey (1945), the story of a cursed portrait painting. They didn’t have mirrors back in the ’40s, so people had to paint picture selfies to see what they looked like. Problem is, if you had hot dog mustard on your upper lip at the time of the painting… You can see why mirrors had to be invented.

Awakening The Zodiac

AWAKENING THE ZODIAC (June 9, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“A down-on-their-luck couple discovers a serial killer’s film reels. They decide to take the law into their own hands, risking everything for the chance at a $100,000 reward. It isn’t long until they find themselves in the killer’s lethal cross-hairs.”

This one’s based on the real-life Zodiac Killer, who back in the late ‘60s, killed a bunch of people in California and was never caught. Things might have ended differently if he tried doing his dirty deeds in Gotham City.

Violent Staar

VIOLENT STARR (2017)
“Peace in the galaxy — or whats left of it — is crumbling. The evil god-like creature, the GODMICHAEL, a giant head floating in space and his evil minions are swarming out to eliminate creatures and races that the Godmichael deems “unworthy.”

Godmichael. Sounds like a name for a Christian metal band. As for the giant floating head, been done — in 1974. What, you haven’t seen Zardoz? If you wanna see a giant floating head, start there. Or look in the mirror, you stoners — ha!

Still/Born

STILL/BORN (2017/2018)
“Mary, a new mother who lost one of her twins in childbirth. While she struggles with the loss of one of her children, she starts to suspect something sinister is after her surviving child — a supernatural entity that has chosen her child and will stop at nothing to take it from her.”

Evil follows kids around like ice cream trucks. The horror movie theme of a supernatural entity taking kids away from their parents is nothing new, though. This was the bone structure of Rosemary’s Baby (1968), The Omen franchise (1976 — 2006) and It (1990). A similar one to watch is Stephen King’s Storm of the Century (1999). It’s like they combined evil with a bad weather report. Neat!

Devil Dolls, Witch Wedding Crashers, Sharks

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Heidi

Been toying with the idea to do a run-down of all the streaming horror/sci-fi movie chanels. Turns out there’s a lot, so that means work. I’ll probably call in sick so as to not work. Shudder™ tops the short list of good ones, but it can’t match YouTube™ for its unlicenced use of practically every horror movie ever made in broadcast quality ranging from beer goggles to bent antenna. Anyway, try Midnight Pulp, American Horrors and/or Frightpix (warning — if you don’t pay Frightpix’s admittedly cheap subscription, you’re gonna have to endure a commercial every two minutes.)

Speaking of wading in crap, here’s a few upcoming ones to consider stepping in…

HEIDI (Available now)
“After investigating a neighbor’s attic, two high school pranksters are increasingly plagued by a series of disturbing, supernatural events involving a creepy, vintage doll named Heidi. As she stalks them day and night, no one will take their claims seriously until it is too late.”

An odd trend in horror movies these days, using painted wooden dolls as the source of all which plagues non-painted/non-wooden citizens. It came back with the Puppetmaster series and got more mileage with Annabelle from The Conjuring franchise (the doll now has its own stand-alone film coming out in 2017). Its moderate success spread to horror lite flicks as The Boy (2016) and The Doll (2016) to rat out a few.

This is nothing new; possessed dolls go way back in time and have a long history of gooning out people who own them. The one that got to me as a kid was that messed up Zuni hunting fetish doll in Trilogy of Terror (aka, Terror of the Doll) back in 1975. Soiled my Underoos™, I did.

7 Witches

7 WITCHES (April 14, 2017)
“As their big day approaches Cate and Cody should be celebrating, they’ve got their family with them, and rented an island for the big day. Unbeknownst to them their wedding falls on the day when a 100 year old curse comes to fruition. Instead of celebrating they find themselves fighting for their lives as a coven of witches rise for revenge.”

Time to fire your wedding planner. Geez, of all the things to disrupt the happiest day of your life (for a few months, anyway), you’d think it’d be a drunk relative and not a flippin’ witch. Wonder what the witches will give the bride as a household wedding gift — a broom? Heh.

Sharknado

SHARKNADO 5 (August 6, 2017)
“With much of North America lying in ruins, the rest of the world braces for the inevitable — a global sharknado. Fin Shepard and his family must put a stop to this disaster before Earth is completely obliterated.”

Man, this joke has worn itself so thin, it should be shown on wax paper. The best — and worse — part of these Sharknado droppings are the C-list “celebrities” lining up with make cameos inside the shark’s mouth. I don’t know if I’ll be flattered or insulted if they ever get around to calling me.

Nails

NAILS (2017)
Dana Milgrom, a track coach who, having survived a near-death car accident, finds herself completely paralyzed and trapped inside her own body. While recovering she becomes convinced that an evil presence exists inside her hospital room and is intent on killing her. Believing her to be experiencing a mental breakdown, Dana’s family brush away her concerns. Becoming increasingly terrified, Dana soon realizes that she may not be the only target. Unable to leave her bed, she risks losing the ones she cares for most.”

If you’re seeing an evil presence in the hospital, it may be time to up the morphine drip. Then you won’t care who the entity goes after. High or not, it’d be really funny if the evil presence tripped over a full bed pan. Just thinking about it is making me LOL.

Skin vs Fur – A Fashion Statement

Posted in Misc. Horror, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pelts

Rotund rocker Meat Loaf stars in Pelts (2006) as a furrier who runs a sweat shop (his shirt could count as one), and gets coat-making raccoon skins from a trapper. The trapper gets his raccoons from the woods. The raccoons are watched over by an old woman who lives in a shack and hasn’t mowed her lawn in years. She’s no doubt behind the curse that befalls anyone who takes the “pine lights,” a reference to the raccoons, whose eyes glow in the dark, the only part of ’em you can see when they’re up the trees ready to jump on your head get poison all over you.

Pelts

Meat Loaf frequents a strip club where he’s totally sprung on a supermodel dancer. But she won’t give up the good stuff because he’s fat and icky. He promises her a fur coat so awesome, she’ll do it with him, just you wait and see.

Pelts

A call from the trapper has Meat traveling way out in the woods to evaluate this so-called “best fur you’ve ever seen.” There’s a joke in there somewhere. When he gets there, he finds the trapper and his assistant dead, one of ’em with his face severed in half…length-wise. That’s what happens when you voluntarily put your head in a bear trap.

Pelts

Meat finds the fur and is simply aghast — this is indeed the best fur he’s ever seen. And he’s been to a LOT of strip clubs. (Heh.) Taking the pelts, he gets his workers busy making the coat. But during the night the curse kicks in and one worker sews her eyes, nose and mouth shut, thereby suffocating herself. Instant job opening.

Pelts

Meat takes the completed wrap to the stripper. It’s the best fur she’s ever seen, and she’s danced in a LOT of strip clubs. Trying it on, she gets all fuzzy inside and offers herself to the Meat. He takes it. But he’s not done, uh, showering her with gifts. He goes into the bathroom where a meat cleaver sits. All strippers have these kinds of knives in case they get a knot in their work bikini.

Pelts

With skilled precision, Meat slices into his arms and stomach and, in an inspired moment, pulls his own skin off as though it were a seamless shirt. He gives it to the stripper who doesn’t want it. (Probably not her size.) But a chase into an old elevator ends with arms and legs being severed and no one left to try on the skin shirt. Too bad — it looks like you could wear it with just about anything.

Alien Cats, Magic Boxes, Natural Disasters

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Zombie Cats From Mars

Doing my taxes while watching horror movies. Kinda the same thing. And like my taxes, here’s some upcoming horror movies you won’t get a refund after watching…

ZOMBIE CATS FROM MARS (February 14, 2017/DVD)
“Billy is a fan of vintage science fiction action thrillers. His only friend is Cameron, a nerdy film buff who tries to boost his confidence whenever he can. After seeing a UFO land, Billy retreats into his head, imagining that aliens are taking over the town. Cameron is skeptical, as is the rest of the town. Meanwhile, people are starting to die. Meanwhile, the killings continue. Billy, wrapped up in a world of fiction, discovers a story in which Martian Cats land on Earth and inflict horror upon the town.”

Great. Alien cats using Earth as a litter box. Still, kitty cats flying around in UFOs — that’s kinda cute. But like all things feline, they soon wear out their welcome. My solution for Billy is to go get Fluffy, that giant, three-headed slobbering dog from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (2001) to go all Cujo on ‘em.

Don't Kill It

DON’T KILL IT (March 3, 2017/VOD)
“An ancient evil is unleashed in a small Alaskan town leaving a trail of death and destruction as it passes from host to host. The only hope of survival lies with a grizzled demon hunter who has faced this terror before. Together with a reluctant FBI agent he has to figure out how to destroy a demon with the ability to possess its killer.”

Sounds a LOT like The Hidden (1987), i.e.: “An alien parasite with the ability to possess human bodies goes on a violent crime spree in Los Angeles. A human cop, Detective Beckett, and an alien cop posing as a young FBI agent Gallagher both pursue the parasite who frequently changes his human hosts.”

The Hidden

All they did was change locations and say that the alien parasite is YET ANOTHER ancient evil whoozit. While I’m not an alien (that I know of) or born of ancient evil (maybe a little), it’d be cool to be able to switch bodies. Just think of how many restaurants you could dine ‘n dash. Sweet!

Wish Upon

WISH UPON (June 30, 2017)
“17 year-old Clare Shannon is bullied in high school, embarrassed by her manic, hoarder father Jonathan and ignored by her longtime crush. All that changes when her father comes home with an old music box whose inscription promises to grant its owner seven wishes. While Clare is initially skeptical of this magic box, she can’t help but be seduced by its dark powers, and is thrilled as her life radically improves with each wish.”

“Clare finally has the life she’s always wanted and everything seems perfect — until the people closest to her begin dying in violent and elaborate ways after each wish. Clare realizes that she must get rid of the box, but finds herself unable and unwilling to part with her new-and-improved life — leading her down a dark and dangerous path.”

If I had a magic box that granted me wishes but left people bereft of life as a consequence, would I continue to use it? Only until the wishes were used up. (Sorry people closest to me — that in-ground swimming pool ain’t gonna build itself.)

The Quake

THE QUAKE (August 2018/Norway)
“Inspired by a 1904 earthquake in Oslo. Rather than embracing the ‘disaster porn’ aesthetic of films like San Andreas (2015), Norway’s The Wave (2015) was wonderfully restrained; the effects took a back seat to the human emotion, making it one of the best disaster movies to come along in recent years.”

Not much else to say about the ground shaking like Godzilla’s busted washing machine. I do, however, have a kicker line ready for ‘em. (Please deposit bit coins into my account to use it): The Quake — It’ll Crack You Up. I should be a millionaire. P.S. Wonder if they’ll name the sequel, The Quisp. Heh.

Ghost vs. Ghost

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sadako vs. Kayako

Sadako vs. Kayako (2016) had all the elements to become a supernatural tour de force lock-up worthy of a pay-per-view. (Now that I think about it, that’s what VOD is.) Regardless, the Japanese horror match with Sadako the long black haired ghost chick that crawls out of wells/TV screens from The Ring franchise, and Kayako, the long black hair ghost chick that crawls down stairs on her stomach from the Ju-on Grudge series, should’ve been a box office bonanza for these two iconic ghosts. Instead, it turned into a slow-moving, frightless flick made for teens. To put a sharper point on it, teens are more scary than this movie.

Sadako vs. Kayako

To access these vengeful ghost gals is easy. For Sadako, just watch a cursed video tape. Then the phone rings and it’s Sadako informing you of deadness by death in 48 hours. With Kayako, just poke around the abandoned house where she “lives” with that pasty white kid in diapers who makes cat growl sounds. Once inside, she spider crawls down the stairs and pretty much ends your existence with just a blink of her one eyeball. (Wonder if she wears contacts?)

Sadako vs. Kayako

Two high school chicks learn about Sadako from their urban legends teacher, then later go to a junk shop and buy an old VCR, which just happens to have the cursed tape still in it. Like all teens they burn it onto a disc and upload it to the Internet, where it goes viral. Now that’s some efficient population control. Of course, one of the girls actually watches the tape and the phone rings. Nice not knowing you.

Sadako vs. Kayako

Over at Kayako’s house, four young school boys go inside and…school’s out forever. This was witnessed by the teen girl across the street who is made stinky by the curse of Kayako. And now we have the dots in place to connect how this movie is supposed to work.

Sadako vs. Kayako

A botched exorcism with the girl earmarked for death introduces us to Keizo Tokiwa, a ghostbuster with psychic powers, who whips his hand around the doomed victim to expel said curse. Doesn’t always work. Must not be whipping hard enough. The die-now-pay-later teen kills herself with a belt wrapped around her neck instead of sagging britches. This leaves the unkilled friend and the girl across the street whose parents Kayako just ghosted (in a confusing sequence that made about much sense as the little boy who talks like a wet cat) to all gather at the Kayako’s house for the big showdown.

Sadako vs. Kayoko

And here’s where all the pointlessness could’ve been salvaged — the two scariest poltergeists in Japan’s movie history finally facing off. Keizo theorized that the ghost gals would cancel each others’ curses when their disparate energies collide. Guess what didn’t happen? Their first meeting had them evenly matched and nothing really happens except a lot of flailing black hair and everyone ending up in the well outside. (Who even has one of those in a middle class neighborhood? If I was middle class, I might consider having one installed — without the bucket retrievable curses.)

Sadako vs. Kayako

With no pay-off, Sadako vs. Kayako is a BIG let-down. There was so little screen time for both S and K, you wonder how someone justified their names being used in the title. They must have good agents.

Curse of the Unseen Ultimate Evil Ghost

Posted in Asian Horror, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 22, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Wailing

How come Hollywood isn’t paying me to post all this e-barfing about their horror movies? It’s at least worth minimum wage. And would it kill them to throw in a few paid personal days off? Don’t tell me they can’t afford it; I’ve seen movie stars wearing clean clothes all the time, so somebody’s making big cake.

Anyway, five new ones THAT I’M NOT GETTING PAID TO ADVERTISE. Pffft.

THE WAILING (November 25, 2016)
“Out of his depth, local police officer Jong-goo investigates a spate of killings, as well as an outbreak of madness seemingly connected to the recent arrival of a mysterious Japanese man who resides in the outskirts of the village. What’s more, he’s horrified to discover his young daughter may have fallen under the stranger’s curse and must confront the ultimate evil.”

The ultimate evil. Pffft. That line is used in almost every lazily-written horror movie press release. You don’t know what the ultimate evil is until you’ve been in the men’s bathroom at the Maharajah in West Seattle. To say it’s a portal to Hell is being complimentary. The sink faucets should be dispensing holy water.

Beacon Point

BEACON POINT 92017)
“Zoe joins a small group of inexperienced hikers for an adventure of a lifetime, exploring the Appalachian Trail. After a gruesome discovery they become lost deep in the mountains. The adventure spins out of control when they’re terrorized at their campsite by an unseen force.”

My gut tells me the “unseen force” is either an invisible bear or that stupid Blair Witch. Pffft – she’s about as scary as a stylishly-camouflaged Bigfoot.

Plotergeist Encounters

POLTERGEIST ENCOUNTERS (2017)
“A questionable group of paranormal investigators with their own web series receive the offer of a lifetime: stay one night in a potentially haunted house for a large sum of money. What could possibly go wrong?”

Pffft – That scenario’s been used since 1959’s House on Haunted Hill. For an excellent “spend the night in a haunted house” movie (in addition to HoHH), give The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966) some earnest couch time. A modern grindhouse classic.

The Terrible Two

THE TERRIBLE TWO (2017)
Albert and Rose Poe approach the first anniversary of the death of their daughters, Addi and Jade. As the day comes and goes, Rose continues to struggle to come to grips with the loss of her only children. She begins hearing the girls’ voices throughout the house. Soon Albert and Rose find themselves prisoners of their precious little girls in the safety of their own home.”

Did they just give away the plot? Thanks for nothing, lazy press release writer. Pffft – it’s probably the ultimate evil masquerading as the little girls.

A Cure For Wellness

A CURE FOR WELLNESS (February 17, 2017)
“An ambitious young executive is sent to retrieve his company’s CEO from a mysterious ‘wellness center’ at a remote location in the Swiss Alps. He soon suspects that the spa’s miraculous treatments are not what they seem. When he begins to unravel its terrifying secrets he finds himself diagnosed with the same curious illness that keeps all the guests here longing for the cure.”

Pffft – what secret? Clearly, the miraculous treatment is booze.

P.S. Pffft.

Die Kill Bleed Jubilee

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Krampus: Unleashed

Four more new ones as of today to throw on the “I’ll watch ’em when I get to ’em” backlogged fire.

Speaking of, maybe I should fire up a crowd-funding campaign to buy more TVs so I can watch five horror movies at the same time. (Some might call that “multi-tasking.”) I’ll also need extra cash for snacks and adult beverages as well. Help me reach my goal, won’t you?

KRAMPUS: UNLEASHED (November 1, 2016 / VOD – December 13, 2016 / DVD)
“In pursuit of a lost treasure a group of fortune hunters mistakenly unearth an ancient demonic summoning stone that holds a terrible curse and awakens a timeless evil — the Krampus.”

Gotta say, even with all these Krampus movies of late, I’m still diggin’ evil K’s groove. Here’s a guy who punishes you during the holidays, not like that annoyingly gleeful other guy who rewards your unsatisfactory behavior with dry cookies and hand-knitted sweaters. I bet Santa takes uppers.

The Dark Stranger

THE DARK STRANGER (available now)
While recovering from a recent traumatic event and afraid to leave her own home. As part of her therapy she begins drawing a graphic novel in which an ominous Dark Stranger pursues a lonely girl doll, across a foreboding fairy tale landscape. As the novel progresses Leah begins to see the Dark Stranger in real life. At first she isn’t sure if she is completely losing her mind, or if the Stranger is a deadly supernatural force trying to destroy her.”

Let me get this straight — you draw an evil entity and it comes to life? Time to sharpen my crayons and get to sketchin’ a self-portrait – I have pressing need for another evil me.

The Purging Hour

THE PURGING HOUR (available now)
“With the hopes of a new life for his family, Bruce Diaz left the harsh city for the serene mountains of California. Upon arrival to their new home the Diaz family fell victim to one of the most horrific crimes in history. With no serviceable evidence being retrieved, the case was eventually dismissed. Several years later, the family’s personal home movie footage was released by an anonymous source.”

Sounds like YET ANOTHER found footage flick featuring unendurable characters with hand-held video cameras with batteries that have a longer life span than the people holding ’em. Massacre on Aisle 12

MASSACRE ON AISLE 12 (November 4, 2016)
“As a hardware store begins to close, a duffel bag of cash is found, but so is a body. Now, the employees must decide what to do with both items. Should they turn the cash in, or go on a Christmas shopping spree? Events take an even bloodier turn when the employees turn on each other.

They should donate the money to my crowd-funding page to help me buy five TVs in order to watch more horror movies more often. (I have one TV, but could use back-up in case the power goes out.)