Hometown Haunts, Prime Time Exorcism, Robot Mom

Does your town have a haunted house/hotel/7-Eleven™? If it did, would you know how to find it? Now you can with Fright Find, a website with a comprehensive database of every real haunted house/hotel/7-Eleven™ in every state. It’s like one-stop shopping for ghost groupies. 

From Fright Find’s website: “Every state has its own eerie haunted history. From the Salem Witch Hunts to the Ghosts of the Alamo, each state’s history goes back hundreds, if not thousands, of years. However, there are no boundaries on the afterlife. To help you find haunts in your state, we’ve organized these real haunted houses, places, and haunted attractions so that you can start your phantom hunt. Curious to know your state’s haunted history? Want to find the most haunted place in your state? Start your Fright Find right here…”

According to their stats, Florida is the most haunted state with 127 listings. The District of Columbia clocks in with a non-tourist generating seven haunts. I drink in Washington State and Fright Find says we have a respectable 73 haunted listings. In your face, every state with 72 or less.

While you go through Fright Find’s documentation of all the scary stuff in your state, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not put you in a scary state…

CRAZY CROCODILE / Out now (YouTube™)

“Food host Xiaoyu is tricked into participating in a survival reality show, along with a group of other people who all have their own reasons to participate. Everyone strays into the forbidden area in the wild and they are attacked by mutant crocodiles.”

The irony of a food host becoming food for the mutant crocodiles is…delicious.

KKN DI DESA PENARI: LUWIH DOWO, LUWIH MEDINI / December 29, 2022 (VOD)

“A Javanese proverb expressed by Widya’s mother just before she left for KKN. A sign that there was something in the village at the far east. Widya, Nur, Ayu, Bima, Anton and Wahyu never thought that their KKN activities would lead to disaster.”

The movie’s weird and unpronounceable title translates to KKN in Dancer Village: Longer, Scarier. Yeah, no — didn’t help. I think there’s a dancing snake in this movie.

TRUE HAUNTING / January 6, 2023 (VOD)

“The terrifying true story of the first televised exorcism on NBC in 1971. Millions around the country watched the program that was recorded in Chicago. The NBC news segment was a success, the exorcism was not. Instead, it made things worse for the Becker family who lived there. Much worse.”

All exorcisms should be televised. Can’t be any ickier than watching Dr. Pimple Popper.

JUNG_E / January 20, 2023 (Netflix™)

“In the 22nd century, with Earth no longer habitable due to climate change, war breaks out in the last shelter built for human survival. The only way to end the war hinges on cloning a legendary mercenary into a scalable robot. In a post-apocalyptic near-future, a researcher at an Artificial Intelligence lab leads the effort to end a civil war by cloning the brain of a heroic soldier — her mother.”

It’d be cool to have a robot mom. I don’t know why. Just seems like she’d be better than non-robotic moms.

Enlarged Crocogator

There’s several things should know about 1979’s Italian-made The Great Alligator. First is that the alligator, while not quite great, is actually a crocodile. Secondly, the movie has been released by many nom de plumes, like Il fiume del grande caimano, Alligators, Caiman, Big Alligator River and The Big Caimano River. And third, the great CROCODILE has more body count credits to its resume than just about any other oversized marauding reptile this side of Godzilla. 

So stop me if you’ve heard this before: a rich entrepreneur is opening a tourist resort on a river-fed African lagoon. The subsequent tourists p*ss off the neighboring low-tech Kuma tribe that dresses up in leaves and backward, bamboo alligator head masks, and worships the island’s big boy croc that makes them consistently stain their leaves. A nighttime booze cruise with the tourists on Tarzan’s Raft (not making that up) and a relentless attack by “The Great God Kruna,” aka the title character. This “all you can eat buffet” has a quickly escalating scorecard: Croc: 46, tourists: zero.

A photo journalist and a supermodel (later kidnapped and tied to a bamboo barge as a sacrifice to Kruna) try to warn everyone, etc. No one listens until they become Cheese-Nips™ for the crocodile. (When he bites you underwater, you can hear the crunching sounds. That’s oddly satisfying.)

A missionary, who years earlier came to the island to force his religious beliefs on those godless natives, lives in a cave, fearful of leaving should he end up meeting their god instead. Beyond that, the ensuing  tourist slaughter rodeo is impressive if the plot is not: the tribe attacks the surviving tourists jumping off the flaming Tarzan Raft booze cruise and as yet not taken out of the win column by the crocodile. Bodies are shot with flaming arrows and spears, hung, stabbed, and pretty much made unable to get a vacation refund.

A bridge collapses. A van turns into a submarine. More regional burning arrows. Some dynamite, a wide open croc yap and a big ka-BOOM later, and it’s gator burgers for tonight’s luau. In all, despite the cheesy effects, The Great Alligator is a laughable, dubbed waste of time.

The Witch Doctor vs. The Giant Crocodile

There’s a problem with Bang Mud Canal (oh dear God…too…many…jokes…head…about to…explode) in Thailand’s Chumporn District. A gigantic alligator or, “crocodile” is eating everyone who dares sticks an expendable limb into the water. Even the local police can’t stop its canoe-capsizing behavior.

Using modern techniques to subvert the beast, a local witch doctor is called in. He lasts about two minutes on his Shaman inner tube. Hmmm, let’s try that again with another witch doctor, only make this one have more incense and dynamite.

The monster reptile seems to like witch doctors as they go down smooth. Time for the military to step in. Trapping Croc-y against a quickly-constructed dam. (I didn’t see any building permits, so I bet that thing is really shaky.) A cop jumps in the water with a grenade. Finally, someone with balls. Until the grenade goes off, that is.

The Brutal River (aka, Khoht phetchakhaat/2005) is extremely low-budget horror, although an exploding crocodile makes a way more chunky mess than I originally theorized.

Rock Around The Croc

Based on a true story, vacation-minded folks boating around Australia’s croc-infested mangrove swamps barely get their hooks in the water when the boat is hit and overturned. The guide is the first to “be taken.” The others manage to get up a tree, which if you know Australian crocodiles, isn’t up high enough. (Think eight-foot hoop and a six-foot basketball player.)

Playing out like Open Water (2003), a man and the two ladies are trapped miles from nowhere, and their boat — about 20 feet away — is upside down and their only hope of getting out of the tangle of trees. Sucks to be them.

Inevitable loss of blood drips into the swamp water. To a crocodile that’s like throwing the bakery doors open. Speaking of, the reptile is not digital (thank you), and behaves like any other animal in the wild would when presented with taste-test opportunities.

All the scenes are really intense whenever someone gets in the water because you know the croc is in the vicinity, but you only see a few bubbles coming to the surface (maybe he ate a human bean burrito earlier).

Black Water (2007) is a nicely realistic flick, although I really wish they would’ve named the ravaging reptile something along the lines of Sir Bites Alot or Carl “Deathroll” Chewingham. But if it wants to remain nameless, that’s okay by me.

Zombie Croc: Reanimated Reptile

In horror movies, crocodiles, or “alligators,” have been super-sized, mechanized and man-made to terrorize for our viewing pleasure. But when was the last time you saw a walking dead gator? Now you can with the release of Zombie Croc, billing itself as 35 feet of undead reptilian terror. Only thing missing is some drunk rednecks with shotguns and…oh, wait…

The best way to bring a crocodile back from the dead is with voodoo. I know what you’re thinking; what about a space virus or secret government/military powdered gas or sweet refreshing pollution? Those things cost money. Voodoo is practically free – just yammer out a bunch of nonsensical curse words, shake some bones (not your own, you pervs), and get this party started.

Speaking of parties, the voodoo-risen zombie croc crashes a birthday party and chomps down all the screaming desserts. Earlier he ate a clown hired to perform at said box social. He said the clown tasted funny. (Heh.)

Zombie Croc (also listed as A Zombie Croc as well – not sure why) was screened in July of 2015 at a party I wasn’t invited to. (That’s ok; I sent zombie croc in my place.) When will ZC be commercially released to fulfill your low-budget horror comedy needs? Dunno. Their movie’s Facebook™ page is as weak as the storyline.

Ache on the Lake

Even though Freshwater, YET ANOTHER giant crocodile movie, waved its flag around back in 2014, its one-line description sent my red flag waving: “A new take on the classic story of a group of twenty-something kids’ weekend of terror at the lake house.”

It’s always a “new take on a classic story. It’s always a group of twenty-something kids. And it always ends up being the same flippin’ movie we’ve seen over and over every since 1999’s Lake Placid, a surprise hit at the box office, which set off a stampede of giant crocodile/alligator movies.

So here’s the plot: “Lake Charles in Louisiana is the idyllic spot to catch some sun and enjoy the tranquil miles of freshwater. When a group of 20-somethings meet up at their island lake house for a weekend of partying, one of the friends never shows up. As more lake visitors are yanked underwater by what seems to be some giant alligators, the screams bring the group out of the lake house. Frantically discovering their boat has drifted away, they have to watch helplessly as more of their friends are pulled under the water. Will anyone get off the island alive, in one piece? Something more sinister seems to be at play.”

They’re hinting at the “something else” thing, even though the set-up is similar to Lake Placid. Could it be that the crocodile in question pure white instead of the preferred cruddy green? Could it be its a baby crocodile and that its mom is, like, a submarine with teeth? Or could it be the darn thing was put there by someone with vested real estate interests in Lake Charles? We’ll know soon enough.

In the meantime, you can always cringe watch Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (2015), with the cute kicker line: “Crocs on the dock. Snakes in the lake.” This one pits genetically altered beasts against not only each other, but using an entire girls sorority in genetically altered bikinis as snacks.

Hatching Horror

Movies about human-eating crocodiles (or “alligators”) are usually pretty fun to watch. Has something to do with seeing boneheaded people get eaten by an oversized reptile that’s gratifying on a “glad it’s not me” level.

While there are dozens of croc shop movies, The Hatching (release pending) is a new British horror comedy (at least judging by the gory yet funny trailer) that elevates the act of nature doing to humans what it does best.

Here’s the plot: On the death of his father, Tim Webber returns to his childhood village in Somerset to find something sinister is disturbing the idyllic peace of the villagers. As people disappear and gruesome body parts mount, the horrific truth emerges that crocodiles are hunting on the moors. As suspicion escalates, Tim is on the hook to make amends for his tragic teenage mistake years before. He’d better make it snappy though…”

If the dialogue is any indication (“How’d you kill the crocodile?” “Mark kicked it in the penis, which was a bit much…”), The Hatching is the must-see reptile vs. people movie of the year.

Nature Eats You – And Likes It

A recipe for fun: a handful of obnoxious teens on Spring Break, alcohol, and a houseboat on a lake that harbors a PMS-ing, super-sized crocodile. Seems the croc’s eggs have been made into omelets by some local hicks, thereby fanning the flames of her discontent.

One of the teens finds an unbroken egg and sticks it up the backpack of a hot chick who won’t take her clothes off. Everywhere she goes, so goeth the croc (whose name is Flat Dog, according to local legend). The beast itself is computer generated and isn’t altogether menacing. Its breath, however, is another story. It also pulls a Free Willy and jumps (!) over a boat. Then it turns around and eats half the pleasure craft, along with the motor, occupants, and life-saving devices. Yum.

Predictably, several teens get chomped upon (graphically enough to warrant a quick rewind); but no one gets naked, no one has sex, and everybody runs around b*tching and screaming like they were in the Blair Witch Project (1999).

The best scene has the croc gulping down a teen whole, then throwing him up later – intact and unscathed, save for a bunch of crocodile stomach goop all over his face and skateboarder street wear.

Crocodile’s (2000) tally: passable gore, toothless special effects, painful acting. Final score: gator 8 (or “ate” – heh), viewer 0.

Talk To The Croc

A yacht-sized saltwater crocodile is eating people who work, live and marinate in the filthy Thailand waterways. That is a complete sentence.

Everybody blames an escapee from Jack McQuade’s Super Fun Crocodile Farm. But the clues – half-eaten human pot pies – are so obvious as to be embarrassing: giant carnivorous turtles! (It’s a theory I’ve been working on since the opening credits.)

Joining the hunt for the people-eater is Hawkins, a grizzled big game hunter, who wants nothing more than a fresh pair of alligator boots. Hard to find the monster, though, as it ends up in back yard swimming pools (don’t dive head first, try cannonballing) and under stylish shacks built out over the river (makes mopping way easier).

The trail of happiness leads to the croc’s cave-y lair, where it has stashed a hot chick everybody’s been looking for. That’s prudent planning – store food instead of eating it all at once. I’ll have to remember that.

The final scene finds Jack with his leg stuck in the crocodile’s mouth. He could get free if only the monster would just chomp a little harder. But there’s a really funny reason it didn’t. And it had nothing to do with the crocodile being made out of rubber and plastic, though that would explain a lot.

Croc (2007) is mildly amusing. Some real blood, some fake blood, some bloody stump sandwiches. Why do movies like this always make me hungry?

People McNuggets

When you get down to it, giant crocodiles eating people is a solid business model. You have your scenic outdoor sequences, nature narratives, screamy tourists, and hey, no unnecessary story lines – just meet ’n eat.

A bowlful, uh, boatload of tourists vacationing in Australia go up the wrong river without a paddle. Something – I’m not saying what – smashes into their flotation device and flips it over, forcing them to swim for a small mud island.

Some can dog-paddle faster than others. Good for them. Those who can’t… You may as well call the sandbar a dinner plate as it isn’t much of a safe haven due to a fast rising tide, leaving the leftovers, uh, tourists to figure out how to get across the river to what they think is safe ground. From here on out it’s a guessing game to see which annoying tourist gets snacked in half and in what order before the “into the croc pot” ending.

 The tourist guide – a blonde supermodel – still thinks she’s in charge. That is, until Mr. Snappy makes out with her with his toothy kiss of death. So much for a second date.

Great butt-clenching tension as everyone tries to get to dry land on a rope line suspended a few feet over the water. The angle of the dangle. You know what’s gonna happen, but it’s still fun to see it all go down. (Yeah, down Mr. Snappy’s throat – ha!)

The crocodile of the moment is pretty big (the credits say 23 feet in length), doesn’t look fake and prefers a side order of screaming with his meals. Which makes Rogue (2007) on par with the other exact plot croc movie, Black Water (2007) and almost as good as Primeval (2007). Like I said, a solid business model.