Archive for Asian Sci-Fi

Frightening Footwear, Ceramic Vampires, Child-Eating Monsters

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

FRank Slippers

Frank the Bunny was the breakout star of 2001’s mind-bending Donnie Darko, the story of a kid who survives a freak accident, only to discover the secrets of the universe and the gained ability to alter time. (In non-movie terms, we call that “drinking”.) Frank, the man in the rabbit suit, would show up every so often and talk Donnie into committing crimes. (“Frank” could very well be another name for “beer”.)

Frank The Bunny

Since Frank is clearly an upstanding role model, it’s awesome to now be able to own a pair of Frank Slippers for the mere price of $41.89, available at Firebox.com. (They also sell spreadable gin for $14.00 a jar. I didn’t know spreadable gin came in a jar as opposed to, say, a quart bottle with a screw cap.) You need both — click HERE to go get ’em.

Frank the Bunny

While you’re waiting for your fantasy footwear to arrive via some sort of mail delivery service, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not alter time — or keep your feet warm…

The Forces of Horror Anthology Series Volume 1

THE FORCES OF HORROR ANTHOLOGY SERIES VOLUME 1 (available now)
“In this blood-curdling horror anthology, a troubled young girl named Libby visits her psychiatrist to recount the terrifying stories of four nightmares that have been troubling her sleeping hours. The kindly doctor tries to explain away the dreams as the result of normal childhood anxieties, but as the tales become more gruesome, he begins to believe that ‘Libby’ may not be who she says she is.”

I’ve never really understood the term “blood-curdling.” Does it mean something is so scary it turns your hemoglobin into cottage cheese? If that’s the case, I’ll have to pass — cottage cheese tastes like unsalted, wet, air-popped popcorn. Blood, on the other hand…

Wilding

WILDING (April 13, 2018)
Anna is a woman who spent her entire childhood locked in the attic under the care of a mysterious man she only knows as Daddy. Anna is scared to death of a creature he calls the Wildling, a child-eating monster that roams outside. After a small-town sheriff Ellen Cooper frees Anna and helps her start a new life, her childhood nightmares of the Wildling return, disrupting the possibility of a normal life.”

Word around the dog park is that Wilding is a werewolf movie. This is very cool. And people in the dog park who don’t use pooper scoopers? That is very not cool.

Vampire Clay

VAMPIRE CLAY (available now/Japan/2017 | 2018, U.S.)
After studying in Tokyo, Kaori returns to Aina Academy to finish her prep classes for art school. Her time away has made her a better artist than most of her classmates and she soon begins making top scores on projects. Things begin to get strange, however, when she finds some clay left behind by the building’s previous owner, who died tragically at his workshop, and begins to use it for sculpting assignments. Following a mishap with a razor blade and the disappearance of one of her most jealous classmates, her teacher and the other students soon find themselves dealing with murderous, bloodthirsty clay monsters. The figures attempt to imitate and subsequently devour the students (seriously), thus answering the age old question: can a work of art be so bad that it kills?”

Who in their right mind would pass up a movie called Vampire Clay? That’s right up there with Basket-Woven Bigfoot. This came out in Japan in 2017, but I never got to see it as I heard the theater that showed it sold dried squid snacks instead of the slightly-less fishy tasting red vines. But hey, give me a bucket of seaweed and I’m good to go.

RokuRoku: Promise of the Witch

ROKUROKU: PROMISE OF THE WITCH (available now/Japan | 2018/U.S.)
“Structured like an anthology with intermingling segments, Rokuroku features everything from a deep sea kaiju, to a cackling disembodied head, to a sickle-handed psychopath. A supernatural force hurls schoolgirls off of rooftops. An old man faces the return of a horrific creature from his youth. Childhood friends recall a long forgotten promise that leads them to room 666 of a horrifying hotel.”

Impressive — the only thing missing is a basket-woven Bigfoot. I wonder, though, if the sickle-handed psychopath is available to trim my hedges? If he does a good job, I’d be happy to recommend him on Thumbtack.com.

Godzilla Earth, Hand-Carved Horror, Vampire Addict

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 14, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla: Decisive Battle, Mobile Breeder City

The title of the upcoming Godzilla anime movie sequel is nothing if not crazy tantalizing: Godzilla: Decisive Battle, Mobile Breeder City. A mobile breeder city? Where do I sign up? How much is the rent? Can I move there now?

Godzilla: Decisive Battle, Mobile Breeder City

If you haven’t seen Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017) on Netflix, I question your sanity. The ending is so unreal, it’s unreal. And it’s so good, I’ll be counting down the ‘ol tick tock when Godzilla: Decisive Battle, Mobile Breeder City releases in Japanese theaters on May 18, 2018. Maybe a few of us could carpool there.

So here’s the press release, which reveals that MechaGodzilla will be getting into a rust up with his mountainous counterpart: “After suffering a crushing defeat at the claws of Godzilla Earth — the seemingly immortal, 300 meter tall, 100,000 ton incarnation of Godzilla who now rules the planet — Haruo Sakaki is rescued by Miana, a native girl who belongs to the Futua tribe, the descendants of humanity that were left behind on Earth during the initial evacuation.”

Godzilla: Decisive Battle, Mobile Breeder City

Meanwhile, Galu Gu, the leader of the Bilusaludo forces, realizes that the arrowheads of the Futua are made of nanometal, the same material that was used to build MechaGodzilla, a super weapon that failed to curb Godzilla’s rampage and that was presumed destroyed in a battle at the foot of Mt. Fuji in the 21st Century.”

I just soiled myself. Whilst I go clean up, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made out of nanometal…

Revenge of Robert

REVENGE OF ROBERT (available now)
Germany, 1941: Two secret agents, one working for British intelligence and the other working for the Nazis, board a train. Their mission is to find a Toymaker who is in possession of a mystical book which gives life to the inanimate. As the two secret agents close in and the Toymaker has no idea who to trust, he uses the magical tome to bring a vintage doll called Robert to life…and Robert will stop at nothing to protect his puppet master. So begins a blood soaked battle aboard the train as the Toymaker and the killer doll fight to survive. Only the victor will get off at the next stop!”

Ugh — more dumb doll horror. Chucky, if he wasn’t undead, would be rolling over in his toy box. And does this plot not take replacement parts from Puppetmaster (1989), and its 12 sequels? (Honorary mention: Magic/1978).

Family Blood

FAMILY BLOOD (March 31, 2018/Netflix)
Ellie, a recovering drug addict, has just moved to a new city with her two teenage children. She has struggled to stay sober in the past and is determined to make it work this time, finding a stable job and regularly attending her meetings. Unfortunately, new friends, a new job, and the chance of a new life, can’t keep Ellie from slipping once again. Her life changes when she meets Christopher— a different kind of addict —which forces her daughter and son to accept a new version of Ellie.”

Smells like a vampire to me. Then again, everything smells like vampires, especially Krispy Kreme™ donuts. Those things will suck the very soul right out from under your taste buds.

4/20 Massacre

4/20 MASSACRE (April 3, 2018)
“Five women who go camping in the woods to celebrate a friend’s birthday over the 4/20 weekend. But when they cross the turf of an illegal marijuana growing operation they must struggle to survive the living nightmare.”

Hmmm, what could a “living nightmare” possibly be when stumbling into a marijuana growing operation? You guessed correctly — there’s no beer with which to catch a weekend buzz. How boring it must be for all of them.

Dasvidaniya: Russian Brides 2

DASVIDANIYA: RUSSIAN BRIDES 2 (2018)
Svetlana Veselov is a sweet, naive exchange student from Moscow plunged into a living nightmare where she must fight to survive. But, what happens when the hunted becomes the huntress and the pain of others brings pleasure?

Again with the living nightmare. It’s like you’re working at Jack In The Box™ when your friends show up at the drive-thru window and you’re standing there in the grease spattered company uniform, stinking of french fries and secret sauce. Still, I’ve been in worse living nightmares, none of which, though, involve mail-order Jack In The Box™ brides. Yet, anyway. (I’m more of a Five Guys Burgers And Fries™ mail order brides person.)

The Witch Doctor vs. The Giant Crocodile

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 10, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Brutal River

There’s a problem with Bang Mud Canal (oh dear God…too…many…jokes…head…about to…explode) in Thailand’s Chumporn District. A gigantic alligator or, “crocodile” is eating everyone who dares sticks an expendable limb into the water. Even the local police can’t stop its canoe-capsizing behavior.

The Brutal River

Using modern techniques to subvert the beast, a local witch doctor is called in. He lasts about two minutes on his Shaman inner tube. Hmmm, let’s try that again with another witch doctor, only make this one have more incense and dynamite.

The Brutal River

The monster reptile seems to like witch doctors as they go down smooth. Time for the military to step in. Trapping Croc-y against a quickly-constructed dam. (I didn’t see any building permits, so I bet that thing is really shaky.) A cop jumps in the water with a grenade. Finally, someone with balls. Until the grenade goes off, that is.

The Brutal River

The Brutal River (aka, Khoht phetchakhaat/2005) is extremely low-budget horror, although an exploding crocodile makes a way more chunky mess than I originally theorized.

Undead Thailand

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sars War

Thailand may think its pandemic-proof, but a SARS-infected bug says otherwise. One bite from this sick sucker and you turn into a zombie with piranha teeth. Convenient, then, that the first guy bitten lives in a fully occupied high-rise condo. No need to run around town biting people as there’s hundreds of bite-ables right here!

Sars War

The condo is also the place where a small gang of criminals are holding a businessman’s amazingly hot daughter for ransom. Sending a martial arts student to rescue her, all these events converge into a splattery eat-a-thon, with a house pet anaconda getting turned into a zombie as well. (It grows to about 50 feet and swallows people whole without chewing. So much for savoring.)

Sars War
Sealing off the building, the Thailand CDC sends in a supermodel doctor with a possible antidote. It doesn’t work and makes the zombies’ heads explode. But fortunately she’s wearing fishnets and leather hot pants under that hazmat suit. (Watch the movie and you’ll see why that’s an important plot point.)

Sars War

 

The student makes a deal with the hostage hottie: if he can get her out safe, then she has to have sex with him. Done and done. Battling their way through a flood of zombies, the student gets bitten, and before he can turn into a biter, drinks a bunch of laundry detergent and powdered cleaning products to keep from coming back and hurting the girl. Amazingly, he stumbled upon a cure for zombie-itis as the soapy combination cured him. Now he can have sex. Whew!

Sars War

After they knock boots in the condo’s romantic parking garage with zombies just around the corner, the snake shows up and swallows her. Then it swallows the student’s master. (Yeah, forgot to mention him. Forgot to mention the Stop Virus Bullet, too). But the master has the Green Frozen Sword and slices his way out, freeing the hottie and a criminal that was swallowed earlier.

Sars War

Even with snake gunk all over it, his gun still works, and he shoots the hottie in the back. Before she dies she pulls off her mask and reveals that she’s a he. Good times — the student lost his virginity to a tranny.

Sars War

Mixing anime with live zombie action, SARS War: Bangkok Zombie Crisis (2004) is played as a slapstick comedy, but has some really cool undead creatures. So where was the real hottie the whole time? She fell out a window wearing nothing but panties. Fortunately, a shirt hanging from a clothesline covered her shame and the soft bush below (hey, no jokes — this is a family movie) cushioned her fall. Whew!

Mallzilla, Double Scarecrows, Future Toilets

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 3, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Not talking about beer (although I guess I just did), I’m referring to the famous Godzilla statue in Tokyo’s Hibiya Chanter (ranked No.70 on TripAdvisor among 352 attractions in Chiyoda). So popular is this magnificent sculpture, the entire shopping mall is being renamed as Godzilla Square later in March, 2018. I should like to live there. In the mall. Next to the Godzilla statue.

Shin Godzilla

But hold the boat — now they’re kicking Godzilla to the curb, where he’s stood vigilantly since 1995. And in his place, they’re gonna put…Godzilla. (Go wash your face — there’s a big question mark on it.) The replacement will be none other than Shin Godzilla, which continues to be massively popular in Japan. (There’s even a Shin Godzilla statue inside the mall, next to the L.L. Bean store, which regularly has 50% off sales — neat!)

Shin Godzilla

So the Heisi Godzilla statue won’t become a street person and will be relocated inside of Toho Cinemas Hibiya on March 29, 2018, while Shin Godzilla becomes the new ambassador for unbridled consumerism outside. And all of this happens on March 23, 2018. (That’s a Friday — time to call in sick at work and head to Japan for a few hours to get a few Shin selfies.)

If you’re unable to get the time off to join me, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not qualify for an L.L. Bean 50% discount…

Headgame

HEADGAME (available now)
“A group of young people awake, locked inside a warehouse with cameras screwed into their heads. It becomes apparent that they are unwilling competitors in a deadly game, and they will need to murder each other if they hope to survive.”

Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth

A camera screwed to your head? Sounds delightfully painful. But it’s been done before in Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth (1992).

Scarecrows

SCARECROWS (2018)
“While on a hike to find a secret lagoon, a group of teenagers have no choice but to pass through an ominous cornfield. Unbeknown to them, the farm owner despises trespassers and has vowed to kill anyone who crosses his land by turning them into living scarecrows, leaving them to rot in his fields. Once one goes up…it never comes down.”

I think the farmer is over-reacting. I mean, it’s just corn, for crying out loud. It’s not like he’s growing eggplant. (There is not enough chocolate butter frosting in the world to make eggplant taste anything other than like eating skunk pie.)

Rise of the Scarecrows: Hell On Earth

RISE OF THE SCARECROWS: HELL ON EARTH (2018)
“A quiet town finds that a deadly secret from their past has come back with a vengeance to take over its inhabitants.”

According to Horrorpedia.com, this is a “belated sequel to Rise of the Scarecrows (2003).” It’d be cool if Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz (1939) had a cameo. Sure, he’d be almost 80 years old, but scarecrows aren’t supposed to look fresh off the vine. Also, it would be nice to see him rip human flesh apart as if caught in a baler-gone-wild instead of vaudeville dancing and singing, while slightly entertaining, accomplishes nothing.

Nova Star

NOVA STAR (pending crowd-funding)
“Set in an ’80s retro future world, Mack and her robot co-worker Spanners, clean toilets aboard a majestic spaceship, the Nova Queen. When an ancient star fragment is embedded in Mack’s skull by a dying space princess the space-sh*t hits the space-fan. Mack and Spanners are chased across the galaxy by Kill-Bots, Space Pirates, Bounty Hunters and an evil Space Queen who will use the Star to flush the entire cosmos out of reality through a black hole. Using everything she knows from a life working in sanitation it’s up to Mack to save the star, and save the galaxy!”

Seems to have all the right ingredients. I’m mean, who wouldn’t want to clean future toilets? If I were to call on all my life’s sanitation skills, I can sum it up in three T-shirt worthy words: jiggle the handle.

Godzilla’s Butt, Storm In A Box, Stuffed Terror

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shin Godzilla

If you did/didn’t see Shin Godzilla (2016), you’ll still have a gnawing urge to buy the insanely detailed  “frozen” Godzilla action model, complete with that awesome mutated tail. (Note: If you didn’t see Shin Godzilla, please unread the previous sentence as it will spoil your TV dinner.)

Shin Godzilla

Bandai™ is selling said model/action figure/occasional table guardian in July, 2018 (I don’t know when that is) and the SH MonsterArts design will set you back $132.00 U.S. bit coins, though there is no North America release date scheduled. This means you’ll have to fly to Japan, get a hotel, take a taxi to the nearest toy store, buy the model, go back to the hotel and drink up all the mini-bar beverages, and fly all the way back home and build a nightstand shrine for it. Or you can order it online. Whatev.

Shin Godzilla

While you pack your suitcase (leave room for some duty-free saki purchasable at the Narita Airport), here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that probably don’t rent for $132.00…

Doomsday Device

DOOMSDAY DEVICE (available now)
“Two FBI agents trying to arrest several crooks who find an ancient Japanese artifact of enormous power. Now, they must stop the crooks from delivering the stone to the criminal mastermind, who is a rich businessman.”

They don’t tell you what the “enormously powerful” stone does, but looking at the key art, it appears to control the weather. Wish I could do that. If so, I’d make it rain on everybody’s parade except mine. Now that I think of it, maybe I’ll make it purple rain. And it’ll stain like nobody’s business.

Atlantic Rim Resurrection

ATLANTIC RIM RESURRECTION (available now)
Mech-bots, with even bigger and badder weapons than their predecessors, attempt to stop bio-mechanical monsters from descending on LA. But the monsters are stronger, leaving the pilots of the mech-bots scrambling to defeat the creatures.”

Could’ve predicted this one without the help of those 1-800 psychics. Once AGAIN The Asylum is cashing in on someone else’s intellectual property to make a cheap knock-off and a quick buck. Atlantic Rim Resurrection, of course, is the sequel to Atlantic Rim (2013), which “borrowed” from Pacific Rim, and now Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018), the upcoming sequel, as well. Be careful walking by Asylum’s offices; if they look out the window and see what you’re wearing, by the time you get to the end of the block, the staff will all be dressed exactly like you.

Alpha Gateway

ALPHA GATEWAY (available now)
“A particle physicist grieving over the loss of her husband in a car crash travels to a parallel world to find him again, with dire consequences for her family.”

Um, is this not a main part of the story arc of CW’s hit TV series, The Flash? Every time Barry Allen, oops, I mean the Flash (dang — I just gave away his secret identity) travels either forward or backward in time, he messes up everyone’s chi. Also, this plot takes liberty from The Butterfly Effect (2004). But if you’ve been traveling back and forth in time, you already knew that.

Teddy Bears Are For Lovers

TEDDY BEARS ARE FOR LOVERS (2018/2019)
“During a college-wide Valentine’s Day party, a 20-something Casanova is targeted by a group of blood thirsty, adorable Teddy Bears seeking revenge for the hearts he has broken, and must confront his ex-girlfriends to break the curse.”

Bloodthirsty Teddy Bears. So this is what the bottom of the idea barrel looks like.

Ghost Channel

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead Waves

As producer of Spirit Sightings, a TV show in Japan that documents the paranormal, Hiroshi Usui needs ratings if he’s to ever to get a shot at Ringu, Part 8.

Dead Waves

Taking his camera crew and an exorcist he found in the phone book to a house where a young girl is reputedly possessed by something more nasty than shrimp cakes, the ritual goes oops and actually opens the spiritual screen door wider for naked, Goth-faced evil to crawl on stomachs through.

Dead Waves

And it just so happens, as a doctor points out, the airing of the TV show causes the already high suicide rate to spike during that time slot. he blames it on “dead waves,” a way for evil to broadcast itself onto your television. The subliminal influence makes people jump out windows and slash their own throats — and that’s just the commercials.

Dead Waves

But in the end, Dead Waves (2005) is just more slow-paced J-horror crud, with no thrills, chills or eating of brains. And the evil entities? I’ve seen scarier people in fetish clubs. Turn off the TV or jump out a window (okay, don’t do that) — just don’t squander your time on this squanderance of time.