Archive for emo

Spanish Neck-Eater

Posted in Foreign Horror, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shiver

In the succinctly titled Shiver (2008), a Spanish teen just moved into the hood with his mother in a house so far out in the woods, even bugs won’t go there. He thinks he’s a vampire and even dreams of being caught in the daylight and his skin burning as if dipped in deep-fryer oil. There is no explanation as to why he’s sun-phobic, other than to set him up as a bully target at school. Can’t blame them — the kid has wimp written all over him.

Shiver

Soon, local animals, a shepherd, and even a schoolmate all turn up deader than the town’s nightlife, with throats torn into Shredded Wheat™, but with more stringy tendons than you get in a large box. Everybody (me included) thinks Santi (the emovampire” kid) is responsible. He’s not — but he might know who did.

Shiver

There’s a creature in the woods that zooms around ripping throats apart. Sasquatch? Nope. A bear with a taste for huckleberries and human flesh? Not quite. Extraterrestrials looking for new orifices to “examine”? Not this time. A vampire? Ha — you are SO wrong. A little girl who, after getting lost in the woods while in Africa, raises herself and eventually gets brought back to Spain. You’re getting warmer.

Shiver

Later the girl witnesses her parents being violently killed, which drove her mad. So she’s dumped into an orphanage, where she kills and maims the Sisters at the Nun School For The Ferally-Challenged. Back to the woods with you, ya mangy pup.

Shiver

In an effort to clear his name of the murders and solve the mystery, Santi, a school buddy and the police detective’s daughter (who is hot for Santi, probably because he has a Hot Topic™ vibe) enter the woods to find this eater of necks.

Shiver

While there, they trip over a village secret that threatens to tear the whole town into remorseful serving portions. The feral girl does her bit on the man who killed her parents. Santi discovers he’s not a vampire, but hates the sun all the same. His mom is visibly relieved and a little blood gets spilled. Scary? Nope. Suspenseful. Nope. Broadway-caliber acting. Yes. I mean, no. Worth renting? Only if you’re an emo wannabe vampire with crybaby tendencies when exposed to the sun.

Aussie Ghosts, Home Invading Aliens and Vegas Zombies

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Caught

As a change of pace, been watching some classic horror comedies (I totally heart you The Ghost and Mr. Chicken/1966). But the best horror comedy you’ll ever see is coming from the White House. That thing should be a g’damn film studio.

Here’s some upcoming horror films that won’t make you laugh…

CAUGHT (2017)
“While on an afternoon walk with their children, two small town reporters notice the military camped on a hilltop. Debating the possible significance of this activity, they answer their door when two unusual strangers come knocking and find themselves held hostage in their own home.”

Don’t let the bland and uninspired press release put you off; this is an alien home invasion movie. So what could extraterrestrials possibly want from our shelves, cupboards and nightstand drawers? Given their galaxy-known probing procedures, they’re probably look for lube. The director is describing this movie as “alien art house.” Sounds cool, but I have no idea what that means.

Lemon Tree Passage

LEMON TREE PASSAGE (Available now Australia/Russia/2017 U.S.)
“A group of young backpackers in Australia discover that a legendary local ghost tale turns out to be true.”

The trailer looks pretty cool, introducing a bunch of young people to a much shorter lifespan in creative ways. The legend goes that if a car load of disposables travel down Lemon Tree Passage (in the States we call that a “road”) a light follows them. My advice to annoying young people — you can find Lemon Tree Passage on Google Maps™. Go there. Today, if possible. Unfortunately, this movie will be re-titled to the supremely generic/boring Death Passage for its US release.

It Stains Sands Red

IT STAINS THE SANDS RED (2017)
“Following a zombie apocalypse, Molly finds herself lost in the Las Vegas desert with one of the rabid living dead hot on her trail. Although at first she finds it hard to give him the slip, the situation gets even more complicated when the girl realizes that, unlike her pursuer has no physical need to stop and rest.”

Sorry about the art — was unable to find official stuff after 30 seconds of frantic clicking around the web. Interesting premise — a zombie pursing a chick in the desert like he was Jaws: The Revenge (1987), wherein the shark follows Chief Brody’s widow halfway around the world, just to have a nosh with her.

The Sound

THE SOUND (2017)
“Kelly is a writer and a skeptic of the supernatural. As a specialist in acoustic physics she uses low frequency tactile sound-waves to debunk reported paranormal activities for her online blog. When presented a new case of a supposedly haunted subway station Kelly sets off to uncover the truth behind the hoax that involves a 40-year-old unexplained suicide. Her investigation takes her deep into the abandoned station where her skepticism is tested. As Kelly ascends into the depths of the metro’s darkness she is confronted by an unforeseen evil. In the vastness, she must face her own haunted memories to find the truth and surface back into the light.”

How can you be a skeptic of the supernatural with all those ghosts goonin’ out everyone who dares venture into a haunted subway station/7-Eleven™? And while we’re on the subject, why is it ghosts are always of the “unforeseen evil” variety? Are there no more nice ghosts left? (I don’t count Casper the Friendly Ghost as he’s more emo than friendly. Nothin’ worse than a whiny poltergeist.)

The House That Jack Built

THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT (2018)
“Over a span of 12 years, the highly intelligent Jack introduces the murders that define his development as a serial killer. We experience the story from Jack’s point of view, while he postulates each murder is an artwork in itself. As the inevitable police intervention is drawing nearer, he is taking greater and greater risks in his attempt to create the ultimate artwork.”

Gotta love an artist who commits to his craft. Wonder what he uses as his medium? Acrylics? Water colors? Pottery clay? Needle point? The “As Seen On TV” Aero Knife™, the one where nothing sticks to it? (At $19.95, that’s a kick ass bargain. Gotta get me one and see if it makes peanut butter fall to the wayside.)

Mecha-Eyeball

Posted in Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Eyeborgs

The Eyeborgs in Eyeborgs (2009) are the equivalent of intersection traffic cams, but with robotic legs that allow them to find trouble, record it, and send it back to Big Brother. Problem is, the crimes they’re filming aren’t really happening at all. (Classic Republican maneuver.)

Eyeborgs

There are ice chest-sized Eyeborgs and kitchen stove-sized Eyeborgs — and they’re all linked together to bring crime to its knees illegal. This is known as the Freedom of Observation Act (dumb), with the Eyeborgs built and maintained by ODIN (Optical Defense Intelligence Network). Guess who pays for this stuff? (Not me; I’m broke.)

Eyeborgs

A conspirator tries to kill the President’s punk rock nephew and to tell the world that the Eyeborgs are really a part of a bigger political (Republican) agenda. A police detective eventually uncovers the truth (the stinky hippie emo conspiracy guy was right all along), and sets out to correct this incorrectness.

Eyeborgs

The Eyeborgs are kinda cool, but the plot, at times, slows things down to a robotic crawl. Fortunately, a big gun battle between human and robot brings things to a nice, shiny finish. And the President? You’ll have to decide if he was real or just a digital media puppet. Art imitates life.

Ghost Lives Matter

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 2, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Riding The Bullet

Riding The Bullet (2004), adapted from the Stephen King novella of the same name of all things, is not one of the better King horror movies out there. Not surprising, as director Mick Garris had done four weak SK’s adaptations (Sleepwalkers/1992, The Stand/1994, The Shining re-boot that needed to be given the boot/1997, Quicksilver Highway/1997, prior to this unfulfilling mess. (Garris later went on to do several more King movies: Desperation/2006 and Bag of Bones/2011).

Riding The Bullet

Riding the Bullet is set in October, 1969. Hippies, gateway drug pot, rock and/or roll, and only one pair of bare boobies. Alan, morose college art student (i.e., hippie) is pretty certain his hot girlfriend is breaking up with him, despite her wanting to smooch his scruffy emo face. On his birthday he smokes pot, drinks non-twist top booze and attempts to commit suicide while taking a bubble bath with candles. A demon appears to urge him on. Alan’s friends bust into the bathroom to birthday surprise him, only to see he’s slit his wrist. Doesn’t anyone knock anymore?

Later finding out his widowed mom had a stroke and is in the hospital, Alan hitchhikes in the dark (about 100 miles) to emote at her bedside. His companion is his own doppelganger who calls B.S. on his poor decision making process.

Riding The Bullet

As Alan accepts rides from red flag travelers (draft dodger, old man with a hernia, greaser demon ghost), he endures alternate situation scenes and confusing flashbacks wherein his mom tells a young Alan his dad is dead, having been involved in a car accident. That’s funny; could’ve sworn he opted out by sucking on the end of a shotgun.

Riding The Bullet

As with all King movies, there’s a self-discovery underpinning that didn’t translate to the big screen this time. What works extraordinarily well on paper (say, a book), doesn’t have enough time to flesh itself out on your TV. So hit the gas pedal on the thrills – the greaser demon ghost gives Alan a ride. He died earlier years prior whilst ramming his sweet 1958 Plymouth Fury into a truck transporting pumpkins to market (same car in King’s Christine/1983), and gets his head cut off from all those super sharp pumpkin shards.

Riding The BulletThe greaser demon ghost tells Alan he has to choose between him and his hospitalized mom who gets to go to Hell, with the Ride the Bullet roller coaster ride of Alan’s youth that he was too much of a p*ssy to ride as a kid, as the metaphor for the whole flippin’ film.

Riding The Bullet

Later, adult Alan reflects on his hippie past, his now dead mom, his ex-wife (he married his college girlfriend for four years) and the greaser ghost demon, who shows up to offer him a ride. Alan tells him to go away. The end.

If you didn’t read the book (sorry, I was busy), this leaves a pumpkin truck load of questions unanswered. You’re left dangling like a severed head. For instance, what was the back story of his dad painting the walls with his particulate matter? I’m guessing it was he found out his son would grow up to be a pot-smoking emo wuss who was too scared to ride the bullet. Dad did – and look how nicely that turned out!

High School Succubus

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , on July 12, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jennifer's Body

Jennifer is a drop-dead gorgeous cheerleader in Devil’s Kettle, Minnesota. Jennifer’s best friend since birth is Needy (full name “Anita”), a sort of wallflower sidekick, but deceptively think-y and as cute as a bag of pink miniature marshmallows with chocolate chip eyes.

Jennifer's Body

They go to a local tavern to see the emo band, Low Shoulder, “because they have awesome haircuts,” only to barely make it out alive when the place catches fire (as do some of the patrons). Not ones to waste time grieving, the band offers Jennifer a ride in their mystery van, leaving Needy on the side of the road.

Jennifer's Body

Jennifer ends up as the center attraction at the band’s satanic ritual in exchange for fame and coin. YET ANOTHER  reason why emo bands suck. Botched ritual later, Jennifer shows up – bloody and barfing black spike-y gunk – and male high school students soon turn up half-eaten. And Jennifer seems to be more “boy hungry” than before.

Jennifer's Body

A sort of psychic link (implied, not established) exists between Jennifer and Needy, and in a nice twist on a tandem teen sex scene, fills in the blanks/blankets as to how Jennifer is not really Jennifer anymore, but an intestine-gargling succubus. Once Jennifer sets her sights on Needy’s boyfriend, all BFFs are off.

Jennifer's Body

The killer (sorry) dialogue and a graphic-yet funny eye towards gore (a deer doing something to a corpse is a bright moment) take Jennifer’s Body (2009) to entertaining levels. And the final sequence is worth the DVD rental price. Hint: Stay through the credits.

Non-Horror Horror

Posted in Misc. Horror, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , on February 28, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Feeding Grounds

In the bus change-budgeted indie horror Feeding Grounds (2006), pot-smoking slackers hook up with some chicks and go driving in several cars out into the desert on their way to party in a cabin. Along the way they open mouth smooch and talk dirty. Only thing missing is breath mints/toothpaste.

Feeding Grounds

Each of these stoners have serious anger/social and substance abuse issues, all of which are complicated by something stalking them, making them even more violently unsociable, and turning their bodies into death chunks, or “chunks of death.”

Feeding Grounds

Their cars don’t work. Their cell phones don’t work. Their ability to get along under stress doesn’t work. This movie doesn’t work. Whatever is stalking them is never shown. Nor are the killings.

Feeding Grounds

What’s left? A lot of emo whining, emo swearing and emo dying. And how dare they show two hot desert lesbians (in the confusing intro) and no women sandwich making? I’m visibly outraged.

This Crow Is In The Myna Leagues

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Crow: City of Angels

Yet ANOTHER grunge emo guy gets killed and has to come back to revenge haunt (i.e., make dead) his killers. Same plot as The Crow (1994). Yawn twice, then fart.

The Crow: City of Angels

The Crow: City of Angels (1996) stars a couple of “where are they now?” ’80s New Wave “rock stars.” (Ian Dury is one of ’em. Iggy Pop is another. I don’t know the other ones because I listen to METAL.) They get killed twice – just because.

The Crow: City of Angels

Lots of acting in this one, with the Crow making his Art Institute™ education pay off. He does more crying than killing, the big emotional wussy wuss. Maybe because the first Crow had a bigger beak and cooler pants.