Alien Disco Lights, Vampire Mom, Psycho Family Unit

The truth is finally here — we now have stunning photographic evidence of aliens party-crashing Earth. Submitted by Dar Tanner of TeamTanner: Aurora Weather Chasers, these stunning pictograms are proof we’re not alone.

Or are we? The colorful, otherworldly lights may not be of extraterrestrial origin, but possibly from this stupid planet’s stupid weather. “They’re light pillars,” according to the National Weather Service. “And they materialize when temperatures near single digits and the air is full of ice.”

The National Weather Service is full of something — but it’s not ice. Clearly, this light show is courtesy of an intelligent source that’s as intelligent as this blog. In your face, NWS.

So while we continue to keep watching the skies, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be kicked in the ice hole…

BLOOD / January 12, 2023 (VOD)

“Jess, a separated mother and nurse, moves with her daughter and young son Owen back into her old farmhouse. Shortly after settling in, Owen is bitten by the family dog, resulting in a mysterious infection from the bite. When Jess discovers a disturbing cure, she is tested on how far she’s willing to go to save her child.”

Her boy is now a vampire, thanks to a chomp from Dracula’s dog. Mom already knows what the “cure” is, which means they’re having stake for dinner. Heh.

DAUGHTER / February 10, 2023 (Limited theater/VOD)

“A young woman is inducted into a bizarre family as their new surrogate daughter. As she navigates through this twisted dynamic, awful secrets about the past are revealed, leading to even darker implications about the future.”

Sounds like I have a new sister. 

THE FLASH / June 23, 2023 (Theaters)

“The Flash travels back in time to prevent the murder of his mother, an act which significantly disrupts time.”

Sir Trots Alot already did that in the TV series The Flash (CW), and made all his super friends super mad at him. The fastest man alive wasn’t able to outrun that well-deserved frowning of a lifetime.

#NO_FILTER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As the #1 social influencer at her high school, Anna is still discovering the advantages and drawbacks of this new status. Home alone, she’s determined to gain as many followers as possible but when the line between real and virtual is getting blurry, the night becomes bloody.”

Social media horror is an oxymoron. And anyone striving to be an “influencer” is just a moron.

Monsters Au Naturel, Bigfoot Pursuit, Alien Party Crashers

Paul Garner is an artist living in Brighton, United Kingdom. That pretty dang far from where I’m lallygagging. But thanks to this thing called the “Internet” (you may have heard of it), now you can view his incredible horror movie icon illustrations…and buy ’em. (Full disclosure: I recently purchased some of Garner’s art and am currently gawking at it on the wall right next to where I’m lallygagging.)

Paul’s latest series is Nudie Monsters, recasting The Mummy, Wolf-Man, The Fly and Bride of Frankenstein in eye-poppingly colorful “pin-ups”. Don’t worry — they’re PG-rated, which means you don’t have to hide ‘em under your bed. These silk board prints sell in sets of three for 25£ ($31.40 US) and measure 11.75”x16.5”. Get ’em on his Etsy shop page here. Better yet, marvel at Paul’s extraordinary illustrating skills on his website: www.paulgarnerart.com

As confessed in a court of public opinion above, I purchased the Jaws poster and just sent in an order for The Shining print. If none of these examples are to your liking (critic), you can get caricatures of Creature of the Black Lagoon, Nosferatu, Night of the Living Dead and even Ozzy Osbourne, who’s kind of a monster himself.

While you take down your Vincent van Gogh and Pablo Picasso black light posters to make room for Paul’s peerless artings, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better by having nude monsters in ’em…

NIGHT OF THE AXE / Out now (VOD)

“A group of young adults enjoying a high school reunion party are terrorized by an escaped mental patient obsessed with satisfying his blood lust. One by one they are made victims of the sadistic killer. Who will survive the Night of the Axe?”

Not only does it SOUND like a slasher plot straight out of late ’70s/early’80s, it IS a slasher plot straight of late ’70s/early’80s. Time spent coming up with the script? 70 or 80 seconds.

ON THE TRAIL OF BIGFOOT: LAST FRONTIER / January 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Small Town Monsters heads to the frozen vistas of the 49th state with On the Trail of Bigfoot: Last Frontier. The first 2023 Small Town Monsters docudrama features in-depth interviews with locals and a heavy focus on the Indigenous people who first called the land home. Focusing on evidence and encounters with the legendary Sasquatch, On the Trail of Bigfoot: Last Frontier aims to give audiences the most cohesive look at Alaskan Sasquatch lore.”

YET ANOTHER documentary cashing in on Bigfoot’s good name. B’foot really needs to put his big foot down on people not legally licensing his image and/or footwear.

KIDS VS. ALIENS / January 20, 2023 (Digital/VOD)

“All Gary wants is to make awesome home movies with his best buds. All his older sister Samantha wants is to hang with the cool kids. When their parents head out of town one Halloween weekend, an all-time rager of a teen house party turns to terror when aliens attack, forcing the siblings to band together to survive the night.”

A better solution: we should send ALL our teenagers to the alien’s planet to crash their ragers. 

YULETIDE HORROR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Directed by Ethan Evans and produced by Jess Bartlett and Kieran Nolan Jones, Yuletide Horror is a feature-length documentary exploring the terrifying history of Christmas horror folklore and cinema, from Black Christmas, Gremlins, Silent Night, Deadly Night and beyond.”

And the soundtrack could be (wait for it)…wrap music.

Halloween Hooch, Mexican Zombies, Blue Collar Aliens

When we were kids, trick-or-treating on Halloween was like winning the tooth-decay Lottery™. Now that we’re adults (ahem), Halloween for this “aging disgracefully” community is an opportunity for something even sweeter than free candy: refreshing AND invigorating alcohol.

To celebrate Halloween properly, here are new themed cocktails to scare the sobriety right outta you. On the Breckenridge Distillery™ website, they’ve come up with a menu of deadly delicious All Hallow’s Eve adult beverages that not only taste like Hell (in a good way), a few even have horror movie references that make ‘em worthy of a second/third/fourth round. (See the recipes HERE) 

A few drink examples: “You’ll Float, Too,” a Pennywise aperitif (yeesh, that’s a pretentious word) concocted with Breckenridge Chili Chile Vodka™, lemonade, red honey, lemon sherbet and soda. It’s an “I scream” float — heh. Then there’s the Harry Potter drink, “Deathly Hallows,” made with Breckenridge Bourbon™, vanilla bean syrup, apple cider, and cranberry juice. That’ll stiffen your wand. 

Other cool bevs include, “The Upside Down,” “Hallows & Horcruxes,” “Bedlam & Broomsticks,” and my favorite: “Don’t Fall Asleep,” a Nightmare on Elm Street cocktail. (Ironically, drinking five of these will probably make you fall asleep/pass out, at which point Freddy Krueger — or pink Freddy Kreugers — will come to f*ck up your sloshed slumber.)

While you beg your bartender to make you one of these seasonal drinkables, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need alcohol to enjoy…

MEXZOMBIES / Out now (ViX+)

Two misfit teenagers: Cronos, a lover of classic cinema, and Tavo, an aspiring parkour expert. Along with their friends from the exclusive Sierra Linda neighborhood, they must face the unexpected challenge of preventing a zombie apocalypse in Mexico City. As they test their friendship, they also search for their first love.”

Why did they go and ruin a perfectly good Mexican zombie movie by adding “friendship” and “first love”? An undead apocalypse is not the time OR place for BFFs and/or smooching. Mierda total. 

THE AREA 51 INCIDENT / November 1, 2022 (VOD)

“An outbreak occurs in the infamous Area 51, leading a group of survivors to an underground bunker — only to learn they are not alone.”

Of course they’re not alone. They’re in Area 51, which means the place is crawling with extraterrestrials. Heck, aliens even hold down day jobs at Area 51— and they don’t need humans bugging ‘em while they’re at work. You don’t see aliens harassing you at 7-Eleven™ where you work… 

MANDRAKE / November 10, 2022 (Shudder™)

“A probation officer, Cathy Madden is tasked with rehabilitating a notorious killer named ‘Bloody’ Mary Laidlaw back into society following a two-decade sentence.”

A Mandrake is a narcotic, short-stemmed European plant, Mandragora officinarum, of the nightshade family, having a fleshy, often forked root somewhat resembling a human form. What this has to do with a notorious killer beats the nightshade outta me. 

THE CASTLE / November 11, 2022 (VOD)

“On their wedding day, Michael and Catherine’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. They walk several miles when they discover an old castle. Against her better judgment, Catherine is convinced by Michael to spend the night. Once she enters the castle, she feels like something is watching her. What she discovers in the castle will change her life forever.”

Castles usually have only three things: bite spiders, stink rats and Dracula. Only one thing is more horrifying: newlyweds. 

Chews From These Shark Movies

You can make ‘em fly, put ‘em into space, turn ‘em into ghosts and robots, possess ‘em with the Devil and make ‘em swim on littered streets. But at the end of the day, sharks are gonna do what Jesus put ‘em here to do: chew and swallow people. That’s what we pay ‘em to do and that’s why there are one hundred billion shark movies with the same eating problems. You’d think that would get old, but it just doesn’t.

Sure, there are other things that eat people: zombies that don’t brush or floss, fine-dining cannibals, extra-extra-extra large snakes, murder bears… But there’s something about the remorseless, bottomless stomach shark that resonates on a level that supersedes even that of the all-you-can-eat Royal Fork Buffet™.

That said, there are a ton of shark horror movies that suck. We’ve seen all of them. Here, then, is a snack platter of shark movies that still suck, albeit slightly less…

HORROR SHARK (2020)

Horror Shark has as many different titles as he has teeth: Blood Bite, Blood Shark, Xus Sha… (it’s a Chinese movie, so be prepared to read it.) Genetically-altered sharks, conspiracies, scuba divers not paying attention. You know the drill.

ALIEN SHARK (2022)

A meteor carrying an extraterrestrial shark crashes to Earth and the beast heads to the beach for some out-of-this-world see food. It’s as believable as it sounds.

SKY SHARKS (2020)

Nazis, hiding in the Land of Ice and Snow (Antarctic), have been experimenting on sharks instead of penguins, modifying them to be able to fly. And the Nazis, trying YET AGAIN to conquer the world, ride ‘em like winged rodeo sharks and attack commercial airliners. It’s as believable as it sounds.

ATOMIC SHARK (2016)

Mutated by radiation leaking like a blown bladder out of a sunken Russian submarine, these atomic sharks (more than one) are jock itch red and covered in jock itch pus pustules. This compliments their char-broiled fins and irradiated blemishes. The rest of the plot does not matter.

NOAH’S SHARK (2021)

A televangelist (religious grifter) and a team of people holding cameras head out to find the mythical Noah’s Ark (i.e., barnyard barge). But biblical prophecies hit the fan when they discover the divine dinghy is guarded by a prehistoric shark and an ancient curse. Well played, God.

OUIJA SHARK (2020)

Teenage girls use a Ouija board to summon the spirit of a teen-eating shark. While most of us would’ve use the board to order Uber-Eats™, someone/something still gets to strap on the feedbag.

SHARK ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (2020)

The plan to use sharks to fulfill their invasion strategy, super mean aliens find out too late that sharks also have a taste for imported cuisine. 

SHARK EXORCIST (2015)

A nun, fed up with her prayers never being answered, switches political parties and goes full on demonic. She uses her newfound affiliation with the Devil to possess a great white shark. It doesn’t take long for the collection plate to turn into a dinner plate.

SHARK HUNTRESS (2021)

An environmentalist goes underwater to battle sea garbage and a garbage-eating shark. Guess what — everything is yummy garbage to a shark…including you.

SHARK SIDE OF THE MOON (2022)

Gotta hand it to the Russians — not only did they succeed in creating indestructible sharks, they sent ‘em to the moon to deal with those pesky flag-planting, rock-collecting American astronauts.

SHARKULA (2022)

Vampire sharks prey on a tourist community as though it were a tomato soup vending machine. There was a Sharkula movie that came out in 2013 with almost the exact same plot. That one didn’t go very far. Neither will this one. 

VIRUS SHARK (2021)

A shark-bite spreads the SHVID-1 virus. (It probably got it by having unprotected mating with a Sperm Whale.) Unbitten/unvaccinated scientists work feverishly around the test tube to find a cure. Do they succeed? Does it matter?

P.S. I went the whole blog post without once mentioning Jaws and… Crap — just did. Dang it.

Big Screen Kaijus, Mutant Snakes, Tavern Terrors

To get your mouth slobbered up for Godzilla Day (November 3, 2022), Fathom Events™ and Toho International™ are bringing Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla (2002) to over 450 nationwide theaters. That’s the good news. The reverse of that: this is a one-day screening only on the aforementioned November 3, 2022.

The press release from Toho: “By partnering with Fathom™, we are able to treat our U.S.-based fans to a sensational Godzilla film they have never been able to see before. And with Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla hitting hundreds of theaters, there will be plenty of opportunities for fans to see it on the big screen. It’s the perfect way to celebrate Godzilla Day,” said Lora Cohn, managing director of international licensing, Toho International™.

As the movie is 20 years old, you may not have heard about or seen it. A refresher: “In Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla, a new Godzilla causes the JSDF to construct a cyborg countermeasure from the original monster’s remains. The beast’s restless soul is discovered to inhabit the machine.”

While you click like mad to get tickets, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make slobber within your mouth… 

DEEP SEA MUTANT SNAKE / Out now (YouTube™)

“Qin Yu’s fiancée died while investigating the sinister Cass group. In order to successfully testify against this group in court, Qin Yu followed Jason, who had evidence of the group’s crimes, on a cruise. By mistake, they visit the island where the Cass Corporation conducts illegal experiments. The strange ecological environment of the island and the re-emergence of giant snakes put Qin Yu and others in a desperate and deadly situation.”

Qin Yu and the others should think twice about putting on rodent-scented sunblock during their stay at Mutant Snake Island. P.S. This was titled Deep Sea Snake Disaster in China where it was released in August 2022. I’m betting you missed it.

BRIDGE OF THE DOOMED / November 4, 2022 (Blu-ray, DVD, VOD)

“A group of soldiers are ordered to hold a bridge during a zombie outbreak. However, what lives underneath the bridge, proves to be even more deadly.”

What could possibly be more deadly than zombies living under a bridge? It’s gotta be a troll. Or two trolls. One troll is pretty freakin’ deadly. But two trolls? Forget about it…

NIGHT OF THE TOMMYKNOCKERS / November 18, 2022 (Digital)

“1856: When blasting for gold a group of miners accidentally release ancient creatures known as Tommyknockers. The town of Deer Creek, Nevada is soon under siege with only a handful of survivors held up in the local saloon.”

Seeking refuge in a saloon recalls Grabbers (2012), wherein a small island off the coast of Ireland is invaded by bloodsucking aliens. The surviving townsfolk hole up in a tavern and proceed to get stinking drunk. Not just for fun and happiness, but because the aliens can’t suck on them due to all the alcohol in their systems. Note to extraterrestrials who may be reading this: you know where to find me. 

THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER / Pending release, 2023 (Netflix™)

“Roderick Usher and his twin sister Madeline live in a mansion that Roderick believes is alive and exercises some degree of control over its inhabitants. Madeline suffers from strange, deathlike trances and Roderick is experiencing worsening mental illness and hysteria. The story charts a family falling into madness and isolation in an epic tale of greed, horror and tragedy.”

This is based on the Edgar Allan Poe short story published in 1839. I did not know time went back that far. If you’re familiar with the classic supernatural tale, Roderick has more problems than a “special” first name. Start with the glowing lake outside and that big crack running though the house. And you don’t wanna know what’s making all that racket in the bathroom plumbing.

The Kings of Kaiju

Three new key art posters for Godzilla: King of the Monsters, coming in May 2019. These are pretty dang cool as each of Godzilla’s BFFs (Big F’n Foes) get their own moment in the spotlight.

First, we get to see in sweet detail what Rodan looks like. The gigantic, trouble-making bird had his own movie back in 1956. It was Toho’s (film studio) first color movie and actually featured two Rodans. Wonder if their mom knew the pesky Pteranodons snacked on humans and intentionally knocked over buildings?

Next up is the three-headed Ghidorah, who was also called Monster Zero back in 1970. In his big screen debut, aliens in shiny suits from Planet X (on the same block as Jupiter), come to Earth asking to borrow Godzilla and Rodan to help smack Ghidorah, who has been flying around and zapping the planet with electric bolts, forcing the English-speaking extraterrestrials to live underground with no windows. Not surprisingly, beans were outlawed.

Then we come to Mothra, who was introduced in 1964. (In Japan, the movie was called Mothra vs. Godzilla, but in the States it was titled Godzilla vs. The Thing.) A huge storm (in Japan they called it a typhoon) unearths an egg the size of a shopping mall. In it are twin larvae and Mothra is their mom (or would that be “Momthra”?). Godzilla fancies an omelet and tries to crack the egg, until Mothra flies in as if to say, “Oh, hell no.”

As of this writing Godzilla: King of The Monsters is still about six months away. These new posters help ease my anxiousness to see this monster match-up. Until then, I’ll keep going to my support group meetings.

Bookended By Godzilla, Zombie Blood, Alien Park Job

Looking for a Christmas present to buy for me this year? I already took care of your shopping — go to Etsy.com and click over to Mokushop’s, um, shop, and you’ll find awesome, under $70 custom wooden hand-chiseled bookends.

With TV around, I don’t do books, so you’ll have to buy me some to go with ‘em as well. But for a chance to own either the Godzilla and/or Kraken (giant octopus) bookends, it might be worth my time to learn how to read.

These things are “extremely limited”, so you’ll have to hurry, Don’t worry about wrapping ‘em as I’ll already know what they are. Thanks for the thought, though. Very Christmas-y of you.

While I wait for you to ship the bookends to me, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth as much as chiseled wood…

CHRISTMAS BLOOD (December 4, 2018)
“Christmas is a time of peace, love and family. But not for Norway as a psychopath dressed in a Santa Claus suit has been terrorizing them for the past 13 years. For as soon as the caroling starts, this demented Kris Kringle dispenses bloody ax blows regardless of whether you’ve been bad or good. As the holiday approaches on one snow-covered town filled with revelers, a pair of detectives work against time to find and arrest this bearded serial killer. Will they manage to stop this demented St. Nick before he kills again?”

As of this holiday season, there are 100,000 horror movies about serial killer/psychopath Santa Claus killers. Know what I want for Christmas for a change? No more of these same-plot movies.

ATTRACTION (December 4, 2018)
“Moscow finds itself on the brink of destruction after a mysterious spaceship crash-lands in the center of the city. While the government seeks to find out what the ship’s passengers want and how to protect the local population, the rest of the city residents break into conflicting factions. Some view the aliens as a threat that should be extinguished, while others hope that the visitors are peaceful and offer an opportunity to learn more about the world beyond. When a young woman finds herself torn between her seemingly normal life and the alluring promise offered by one of the all-too-human extraterrestrials, the fate of the entire world is left hanging in the balance.”

A social commentary on immigrants or a poorly-named sci-fi movie about aliens parking downtown wherever they want? You already know the answer.

JOHNNY Z (2019)
“A half human, half zombie named Johnny, holds the cure to the zombie epidemic. After escaping Nordac, an experimental medical prison, Johnny comes under the guidance of a martial arts Grandmaster named Jonray who agrees under a dying wish to protect and embarks on a journey to find a missing doctor while battling personal demons.”

Sounds like Johnny Z is just another name for Murphy, the half human/half zombie in Z Nation zombie apocalypse TV series on the SyFy™ Channel whose inner gunk holds the cure for un-zombie-ing. Wonder if they’re blood brothers?

THE VANISHING (2019)
“On an uninhabited island 20 miles from the rugged Scottish coast, three lighthouse keepers arrive for their six week shift. As Thomas, James and Donald settle into their usual, solitary routines, something unexpected and potentially life-changing occurs — they stumble upon something that isn’t theirs to keep. Where did it come from? Who does it belong to? A boat appears in the distance that might hold the answer to these questions. What follows is a tense battle for survival as personal greed replaces loyalty — and fed by isolation and paranoia, three honest men are led down a path to destruction.”

They don’t say what it is they discovered. But after a minimum amount of thought, it can only be one thing for a the isolated men on that remote island; a supermodel.

Tattooed Superhero, Pentagon Aliens, Eating Planets

Going batty over the first released pic of Ruby Rose as the new Batgirl. Before she launches her own series, CW is gonna have her do pop-ups in The Flash, Supergirl and Arrow. (It’ll be called Elseworlds. Batman is gonna be so jealous.)

Ruby Rose, if you didn’t hear, is being touted as the first gay female superhero in the lead role. While CW already has several high-profile gay/lesbian characters in their superhero shows, this is further great news. And the stunningly attractive and badass Ruby — former Australian model, actress, and television presenter who is literally painted in tattoos — is an awesome casting choice. (You saw her in The Meg, yes? The shark wisely chose to swim in the opposite direction of her.)

While we wait impatiently for Ruby to turn criminals into prison fertilizer, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that may or may not be as cool as the new Batgirl…

ALIENS AT THE PENTAGON (available now)
“For years the US government denied investigating UFOs. But when an ultra-secret Pentagon program to study the Alien threat was exposed in late 2017, the world was stunned by this revelation. Nick Pope, aka ‘The Real Fox Mulder’, investigated UFOs and other unexplained phenomena for the British government. Now Nick exposes the secretive workings of the Pentagon’s real-life X-Files unit, using his knowledge and past experience to tell the incredible story as only a true government insider can.”

If you’re a fan of UFO documentaries like, um, me, then you’ll no doubt want to rent this one. But don’t buy it if you’re planning on being abducted by aliens in the near future. I’m still waiting.

HAUNTED (October 19, 2018/Netflix™)
“Netflix’s™ Haunted gives a chilling glimpse into the first-person accounts from people who have witnessed horrifying, peculiar, extraordinary supernatural events and other unexplained phenomena that continue to haunt them.”

The only horrifying event I’ve ever witnessed is the bar I’m in closing at 2AM. I’m getting the shakes just thinking about it. Then again, maybe it’s all that beer that’s giving me the trembles.

GODZILLA: THE PLANET EATER (November 9, 2018/Japan | Netflix™ 2019)
“Last year, Toho and Polygon kicked off an animated trilogy with Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters, which continued this year with Godzilla: City on the Edge of Battle (now on Netflix™). The trilogy ends with Godzilla: The Planet Eater.”

Awesome title. And it suits Godzilla Earth perfectly as he can be seen in the previous two animated features biting into mountains as if they were Hostess Cupcakes™. So if he eats a planet for dinner, what might be a good side dish — a jungle salad, perhaps?

PET SEMATARY (April 5, 2019)
“Based on the seminal horror novel by Stephen King, Pet Sematary follows Dr. Louis Creed, who, after relocating with his wife Rachel and their two young children from Boston to rural Maine, discovers a mysterious burial ground hidden deep in the woods near the family’s new home. When tragedy strikes, Louis turns to his unusual neighbor, Jud Crandall, setting off a perilous chain reaction that unleashes an unfathomable evil with horrific consequences.”

If you saw the original adaptation (1989), it was pretty dang excellent, even if it was a spin on the Monkey’s Paw back-from-the-dead gut-punch. I don’t care as the trailer for the new one looks to continue the thrills, chills and doctor bills.

Horror Kids, Old UFOs, Fighting The Devil

If you’re a fan of the Garbage Pail Kids cards, check out Horrorible Kids, a line of illustrated horror movie icon trading cards/stickers from Magic Marker Art. These things are so cool, you could give ‘em out as wedding gifts or just carry one or more in your wallet to replace that mug shot that is your driver’s license photo.

From the press release: “Now up for pre-order through Pingitore’s Magic Marker Art, you can grab single packs, 5-packs and 24-pack boxes, as well as a ‘Horrorible Kids’ retro collector album!”

At $4 for a single pack and $65 for an entire box, you pretty much have no excuse not to rummage through your mom’s purse to get the credit card coinage needed to purchase these must-have cards. Mom won’t mind, especially if you give her a pack or two for Mother’s Day and/or Christmas.

Horrorible Kids cards are due to arrive July 2018, so plan on skipping rent in June. And while you’re clicking HERE to pre-order, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make good Mother’s Day/Christmas gifts…

ROSWELL 70 YEARS LATER (available now)
“70 years after the supposed UFO crash in Roswell, NM experts shed light on what may have happened that night in 1947.”

Not “may have happened,” it’s what DID happen. All the extraterrestrials I’ve hung out with insist one ‘em had a little too much moon juice at the Little A’Le’Inn, tried driving home drunk and crashed its saucer. The insurance company covered it up and the rest is folklore history.

BLEEDING STEEL (July 6, 2018)
“Lin is a police inspector in modern Hong Kong. While tracking down a deranged, mecha-enhanced villain, Lin discovers that a geneticist’s lost bio-chemical invention has been surgically implanted into his missing daughter. With the help of a young hacker, Lin connects the dots between the device that haunts his daughter, his enemy’s sinister army, and a strange cultural phenomenon called Bleeding Steel.”

Bleeding Steel sounds cool as a movie title, but better as a heavy metal band name. Metal bands are mecha-enhanced and drink blood, so it all fits together like some sort of album.

GAGS (2018)
“It’s been eight days since the clown first showed up in Green Bay, WI. Now, over the course of one night, four different groups of people cross paths with the clown everyone calls ‘Gags’ and his true intentions are finally revealed.”

Never understood the whole “silent scary clown on the roadside/neighborhood” craze that went on a few years ago. Seemed kinda dumb considering it was overkill — bars are still loaded with enough clowns as it is.

LUCIFERINA (2018)
“Nineteen-year-old nun-in-training Natalia reluctantly returns home to say goodbye to her dying father. However, when she meets up with her sister and her friends, they all decide to travel into the jungle in search of mystical plant. But what they find instead is a world of black masses, strange pregnancies, violent deaths, as well as a climactic, shocking clash with the Devil himself that will leave you speechless.”

I’ve met the Devil. She’s not such a bad guy.

Mystery Godzilla, Occult Virgins, Pet Dinosaurs

Funko, fast becoming my favorite pop icon toy company, just released a Godzilla “mystery” box. Also called “mystery minis”, you get to see two Godzilla toy figures — regular and flaming (as in “on fire”), and one that’s not visible. Kinda neat. It’s like opening a peanut shell and wondering if you’ll get one of those allergy-triggering legumes (a peanut is part of the bean family), or some sort of invasive larvae that’ll grow to the size of your arm and eat the peanut butter sandwich that’s hanging from the end of it.

We already know there’s a bunch of different Godzillas: MechaGodzilla, Space Godzilla, JesusZilla (actually, he’s just the son), and those river-dancing all over what’s left of humanity in Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017): Godzilla Filius and the 300 meter-embiggened, Godzilla Earth. I don’t think Godzilla Earth could fit in even God’s toy box, so I’m thinkin’’ the mystery ‘monster‘ is Ghost Godzilla. Don’t know if he even exists, just though it sounded cool.

While you click away from this blog to go check out Funko.com (yes, you WILL be blown away), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies may or may not seem as cool as…Ghost Godzilla…

THE NIGHT OF THE VIRGIN (June 12, 2018)
“Javier Badola is a lonely young man who attends a New Years Eve party with the intention of losing his virginity. After midnight he finds himself alone and rejected until a middle-aged woman invites him back to her apartment. What promises to be an epic sexual debut turns into his worst nightmare when he discovers that the woman has a perverse occult agenda.”

Seriously? What guy doesn’t go out with the intent of losing his virginity — or at least re-imagineering it? And just so we’re clear, it just. ..doesn’t…matter if the woman has a perverse occult agenda. It’s super fun happy times for your swimsuit area, man! And if there are any “virgins” out there reading this, I’ll give you some advice via an old joke: “Sex is a lot like air — it’s no big deal until you’re not getting any.”

CANARIES (2018)
“In the style of Shaun Of The Dead, The Lost Boys and Attack the Block, Canaries is a funny, dark and action packed sci-fi horror comedy that pits a group of drunken friends on New Years Eve in a Welsh valley against an invasion task force of creepy time-traveling aliens. A kick-ass M.O.D agent, an insecure radio DJ and a kung fu master who owns the local B&B learn their new years resolution this year is simple: STAY ALIVE.”

Why do I have a sudden desire to move to a Welsh valley? I hear the residents are out of this world. P.S. I wanna be a kung fu master, but don’t wanna own a B&B. The things people do all over sheets — there’s the real horror story.

ZOMBIEPURA (2018)
“When a mysterious virus breaks out in an isolated army camp, a lazy reservist soldier and his tough commander must work together to survive, and learn what it means to be real soldiers.”

Wow, it’s like they don’t even try and come up with a new spin on zombies. Sounds like Gomer Pyle versus the Undead.

ADVENTURES OF A JURASSIC PET: CHAPTER 1 (2018)
“An adventurous teenager summons the courage to help a friendly dinosaur to escape from the clutches of a mad scientist that wants to use him for experimentations.”

I imagine the worst part about a pet dinosaur is cleaning the litter box.