Archive for Extraterrestrials

Copy Cat Storms, Super Jewelry, Alien Doctors

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Justice League

With little more than a month to go (from this e-barfing) before the glorious day Justice League comes out (November 17, 2017, to belabor the point), now comes YET ANOTHER series of character posters of Batman, Cyborg, Aquaman, The Flash, Wonder Woman and…Green Lantern? Wait — how can that be? He should never have been let into the Justice League in the first place if all his power comes from jewelry. (Wonder Woman’s earrings are tougher than he is.)

Justice League

But be still, dear readers. The fan-made poster, magnificently done, comes from BossLogic, who also did a Superman version (complete with a Batman moustache). So you could call it fake news, or just marvel that it completes the set nicely and therefore your mom’s basement where you live because you can’t find a job will have balanced feng shui.

Justice League

While we contemplate the spiritual ramifications of a Chinese philosophical system of harmonizing everyone with the surrounding environment (even though it is closely linked to Taoism), here are a few just-released horror and sci-fi movies to play on your television. Be sure to feng shui (angle) it properly to invite peace (tell everyone to shut up) and prosperity (someone bring over some beer) to your living room…

AfterImages

AFTERIMAGES (available now/VOD)
“A collection of horror films appear in the ashes after a group of friends burn paper effigy cameras as offerings to the dead.”

Cool premise — wonder if that works with burning paper effigies of been cans as offerings to the thirsty dead? If a case of beer appears in the ashes, best to put it in the fridge for a while as beer that burns your tongue should be illegal. (It’s still beer, so don’t throw it away, you craft cocktail swilling snobs.)

Patient Seventeen

PATIENT SEVENTEEN (available now/VOD)
“A surgeon claims to remove highly advance implants, nanotechnology microchips embedded by aliens, non-humans monitoring our Earth. Discover the world of abductions, Scalar wave transmissions, and a program to study or manipulate the human race. Armed with a patient, a scalpel, black lights and a stud finder; we seek to verify the authenticity of this alleged Off-World Implant Technology.”

Couple of things — first, why does a surgeon need a stud finder? That’s like a proctologist using a turkey baster. Secondly, what the heck are Scalar wave transmissions? Got me curious so I clicked it up — “Scalar waves are also called electromagnetic longitudinal waves, Maxwellian waves, or Teslawellen (Tesla waves). Variants of the theory claim that Scalar electromagnetics (also known as Scalar energy) is the background quantum mechanical fluctuations and associated zero-point energies.” Like I understood one nanosecond of that.

My Litter Sister

MY LITTLE SISTER (available now/VOD)
“A group of friends go against warnings not to camp in the local woods, where a legendary monster named Little Sister is rumored to exist. As they defy all advice, one by one they soon fall victim to a family of deformed killers.”

Set ‘em up, knock ‘em down. As monster names go, a little more thought should’ve went into “Little Sister.” All little sisters are monsters, so not seeing the point where that would be scary.

Geo_Disaster

GEO-DISASTER (available now/VOD)
“A family in Los Angeles finds themselves in the center of a super volcano, a mega earthquake and a twister. While the world prepares for this near apocalyptic event, our heroes must survive on their own skills and wit to find safe passage.”

All you have to do is look at the title of this one and you’ll already know whose behind this preceding rip-off of Geo-Storm (2017) — The Asylum, a film studio globally known for being blatant movie plagiarists. You better hope they don’t get wind of the film biopic of your life — they’ll just change the title (make it plural) and recast you as a loser with cheap, digital special effects going off right next to your altered-just-enough-to-be-legal face.

Escape Room

ESCAPE ROOM (October 17, 2017)
To celebrate his 30th birthday, Tyler’s girlfriend, Kristen, takes him and two other couples to play the latest craze: ESCAPE ROOM. In an escape room, you are locked in a room and given one hour to figure out cryptic clues in order to escape. The group is led into a locked room and the clock starts ticking. They quickly sense something is wrong, the puzzles become increasingly difficult and increasingly deadly. One by one the escape room claims a new victim and the surviving players realize they are no longer playing a game; they are playing for their lives.”

Um, is this not the premise of Cube (1997) and/or Saw (2004)? I bet they went to a carnival funhouse or a corn maze to research the idea.

All About Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Recovered Spacecraft

Was reading Listverse.com’s 10 Claims of Recovered Extraterrestrial Craft and was visibly shocked to see they didn’t include the UFO that was “parked” (half on the sidewalk, half in the fire lane) out behind The Poggie Tavern in my neighborhood. While it didn’t make headlines, the event nevertheless had more than a few witnesses. One claimed the unidentifiable craft was shiny and metallic, like a spaceship, but with windshield wipers.

Airstream Camper Car

Oh sure, they’ll give props to The Paradise Valley Incident Arizona, 1947 (#10) and The Kalahari Incident South Africa, 1989 (#8). But no love — or even an honorable mention — given for The Poggie Tavern Incident West Seattle, 2017.

Alien Parking

Thus, today’s theme for just released on VOD alien movies and documentaries, some of which may or may not make your Top 10…

Alien Implant: The Hunted Must Become The Hunted

ALIEN IMPLANT: THE HUNTED MUST BECOME THE HUNTER (available now)
“A brilliant female recluse sends a distress signal into outer space from a remote location, however it’s not a distress signal, it’s an ingenious trap designed to exact revenge on the extraterrestrials who abducted her as a child.”

Clunky title, but clever plot. Kinda implausible, though. Since all aliens look alike, how will this gal know she’s cappin’ the ass of the exact spacemen who forcibly babysat her? Maybe she should look around for aliens driving space vans offering candy to kids.

Alien Vs. Zombies

ALIEN VS. ZOMBIES (available now)
“An alien travels over galaxies to fulfill a lifelong dream of visiting Earth, only to discover that the planet has been overrun by a zombie plague, caused by a mysterious virus. Now he must team up with a small band of human survivors to save what is left of our world, while fighting off a bounty hunter from his home planet, who wants him to return home a crime he did not commit.”

The alien’s lifelong dream was to visit Earth? Given their propensity for probing, I’m surprised vacation alien didn’t want to go to Uranus.

The Alienators

THE ALIENATORS (available now)
“Two amateur ufologists investigate a woman’s claim that aliens are watching her. Two weeks later, she disappears under mysterious circumstances. During a missing persons investigation, confiscated footage leaks onto the Internet, receiving over 2,000,000 hits in just three hours before the authorities take it down. But many who saw the footage say it contained the most compelling and terrifying evidence of alien existence ever captured. This is that footage, compiled and released by The Civilian Department of Ufology, a privately owned UFO research and investigation organization.”

Love the kicker line for this: “The Most Documented Alien Abduction Case In F*cking History.” Gonna have to put this on my couch time watch list as the idea of two drunk UFO amateurs documenting proof of alien visitation is highly relatable to me for some reason. Ahem.

UFOs: The Best Evidence Ever Caught On Tape

UFOS: THE BEST EVIDENCE EVER CAUGHT ON TAPE — EXPANDED AND UPDATED DIRECTORS CUT (available now)
The Award Winning Fox Television Special, now including new shocking never before seen UFO footage. Shot by amateurs and professional alike, videos of extraordinary objects in the sky offer fantastic evidence of Alien activity now engaging the Planet Earth. This Expanded and Updated Director’s Cut includes the best UFO video ever caught on tape from the U.S. Government and Homeland Security.”

These kinds of documentaries crack me up as they always bring in someone from Star Trek to narrate, as if to give the topic more credibility. Star Trek: The Next Generation’s Jonathan Frakes (aka, Commander William T. Riker) lends his authoritative vocal cords to this one. Worf, the renounced citizenship Klingon on Next Generation, did one as well (Where Are All The UFOs?/1996). But the best comes from James Doohan (aka, Starship Engineer “Scotty”), who not only narrates all the UFO footage, they put him in UFOs: Above And Beyond (1997). And he really threw himself into the project by making intense facial expressions reinforced by his insistent tone. Aliens never had a better advocate.

P.S. This one originally came out in 2000. Glad to see someone still wants to believe.

Super Cars, Rocket Scientists, Evil Elves

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 3, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Justice League

More key art designs for the upcoming Justice League movie (November 17, 2017), this time side profile mug shots of everybody except Superman. I guess they don’t want to give away the fact that Super Dude is coming back from the dead for this one. (He died at the end of 2016’s Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice after tripping on his cape and falling in front of a more powerful locomotive. Tragic.)

Justice LeagueAs expected, the first wave of cross merchandising in advance of the highly anticipated Justice League movie starring Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Flash and Cyborg rolls in with action figures and, quite neato, Hot Wheels™ character die-cast cars. (Crossing fingers for Justice League tissue holders.)

Justice League

While the first series of Justice League cars came out in 2012 for $20.00, the new JL Hot Wheels™ cars (releasing November 1, 2017) are the same price, but are cooler. For instance, the Batman car uses echo location instead of GPS. The Superman car is immune to fender benders. The Aquaman car runs on clam nectar. The Flash car comes with its own speeding tickets. The Cyborg car’s real name is KITT (If you’re old enough, you’ll get that joke.) And if you try and look under the hood of the Wonder Woman car, you get a slap on the face.

Justice League

While we wait for these affordable choking hazards, here are a few horror/sci-fi movies and documentaries that don’t even have their logos on lunch boxes…

Chasing Flying Saucers: The Stanton Friedman Story

CHASING FLYING SAUCERS — THE STANTON FRIEDMAN STORY (available now)
“Are flying saucers real? For the past 40 years, Stanton Friedman has been the world’s foremost investigator and lecturer on the UFO phenomenon. He is credited with breaking the famous Roswell UFO case and is a leading expert on the procurement of government UFO documents. This is his story.”

Stanton Friedman’s been my go-to UFO guy for years. For one thing, he’s a former rocket scientist (but makes more bling on the fringe speaking circuit). Secondly, the guy seriously does his research and comes to the table with a stacked deck of facts, the first being that UFOs are real and that we’ve been Air BnB’d by extraterrestrials. Friedman should know; he’s the guy who pulled the pants down on that whole Roswell conspiracy. This isn’t a movie, but anyone wanting to make a UFO flick should watch this. And those who already have made UFO movies, watch Chasing Flying Saucers and go back and re-do everything from scratch.

Beyond The Trek

BEYOND THE TREK (available now)
“A deep space mining vessel has been adrift for two years. It is suspected the crew brutally killed each other, but the reason for the bloodbath is unknown. A rescue crew is sent to find if there are any survivors, what happened and why, but what they discover might make them destroy themselves and the world.”

A Wal-Mart™ version of Star Trek Beyond (2016). So much so, they even patterned their characters after our favorite team of galaxy exploring/laser shooting pioneers — Space Bonanza.

Buckout Road

BUCKOUT ROAD (October 7, 2017/International Black Film Festival)
Buckout Road might be known as the most haunted road in New York State, but nobody really believed it…until now. A college class project on modern mythology turns deadly when a trio of students discovers a series of horrific urban legends surrounding Buckout Road may actually be true. The deeper they dig into the road’s dark, mysterious history, the more dangerous their quest becomes. From witches burning at the stake, to backwoods albino killers, to a modern, unstoppable stalker.”

Gotta be careful with saying this title at box socials, just like “Shiitake” mushrooms and “shih tzu” dogs. (I’m still trying to live down “coccyx”.) As for a “modern, unstoppable stalker, what does that mean — someone who relentlessly follows you around all the time? If that’s the case, then my mailman qualifies.

The Elf

THE ELF (November 7, 2017 (VOD)/December 5, 2017 (DVD)
“Nick is haunted by night terrors stemming from a tragic murder he saw when he was young. After inheriting an old toy shop, Nick discovers a cursed elf doll sealed inside an ancient chest with a naughty list of his family’s names written on it. He soon discovers that the elf was an evil conduit meant to unleash a supernatural killing spree during the Christmas holidays by whoever set it free.”

Christmas horror certainly isn’t in short supply this season, what with Better Watch Out and Red Christmas leading the charge. Last year was pretty good, too, as Krampus (the anti-Santa) was unwrapping skin left and right. And in A Christmas Horror Story (2015), the elves were zombies. I deem that cool. Thought this might be the year of rabid reindeer, but I’ll just have to put that one on my Christmas list for next year.

Extended Superheroes, Enlarged Chests, Shortened Life Spans

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Superman: The Movie

If you were alive back in February of 1982, you got to see Superman: The Movie (1978) play out on ABC over two nights — with an extra 40 minutes (!), previously edited out, completely restored.

If you weren’t alive back in 1982, you’ll get a chance to see all that additional footage — which includes longer looks at Krypton before its destruction, more time in Smallville, even more of John Williams’ iconic soundtrack, and more of Christopher Reeves in action as the Man of Steel — when it gets released on Blu-Ray. When, you ask? Dunno. Sources indicate before the end of 2017, but it could very well be 2018, the year that follows this one,

So 188 minutes of Superman. That’s pretty dang neato. And you can bet your red kryptonite the Blu-Ray will include lots of extras, like commentaries and cape cleaning tips. Until it arrives, you can while away your time on these upcoming/just released horror and sci-fi movies…

Space Boobs In Space

SPACE BOOBS IN SPACE: MILKING THE GALAXY (available now)
Exmin the Valkyrie returns from a deadly mission to find her bounty contains a bizarre program of glittery aliens, a fashion forward swamp monster, a vampire girl gang, and cheesy special effects from the most ridiculous corners of the galaxy.”

There is not one part of Space Boobs In Space’s press release I didn’t like. And I’m dying to find out what a “fashion forward swamp monster” is. Sounds like one of those last call gals at West Seattle Bowl.

Liferaft

LIFERAFT (available now)
“After their boat mysteriously sinks, a group of friends, with no supplies and strange happenings, try to trust each other long enough to survive.”

This one might’ve come out in 2016, but I just found it now, so no party foul on my part. As for the plight of the screaming floatables, this certainly borrows from The Reef (2010). In that one a boat reverse floats and everybody in the water becomes a fresh sheet item on a circling great white shark’s dinner menu. Don’t know if there’s a shark in Liferaft, though. Be cool if there was as the plot seems watered down. Ahem. P.S. I thought Liferaft was two words.

This Book Is Cursed

THIS BOOK IS CURSED (available now)
“After the occurrence at the Old Haney Logging Camp Road the survivor of the incident, Haus is convinced by his girlfriend Lynn to face his fears and return to the place his friends were brutal murdered. Haus has blacked out the event, and Lynn hopes that his memories will return if he confronts his fears. This is a horrible mistake indeed.”

And this is exactly why I never hang out on Old Haney Logging Camp Road. I hear tell of brutal murders and countless wood slivers, to say nothing of finger-shortening saw mishaps and hatchet nicks to the ankles. Better to hang out on Old Bandaged Wound Trail. Not far from what I hear.

Let Her Out

LET HER OUT (October 20, 2017)
“Helen, a bike courier, suffers a traumatic accident. As she recovers, she begins to experience strange episodic-black outs, hallucinations, and night terrors that lead her to discover that she has a tumor, a benign growth that is the remnants of a ‘vanishing twin’ absorbed in utero. Over time, the tumor manifests itself as the dark and demented version of a stranger. As Helen’s emotional and psychological state begins to deteriorate further and further, she begins to act out in psychotic episodes — influenced by her evil twin — making her a danger to herself and her best friend, Molly. It’s only a matter of time before this evil side of Helen will take her over completely.”

Great movie poster. The plot is familiar (I’m looking in your direction The Unborn/2009), but hey, I support possessed bike couriers. They do important work, despite often being absorbed by an in utero evil vanishing twin.

Horror Legends, Crapping Aliens, Cowboy Grave Risers

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Harry Dean Stanton

Sad to report the passing of another another horror/sci-fi movie icon, Harry Dean Stanton (July 14, 1926 – September 15, 2017), whom I first saw as the affable Brett in Alien (1979). He was the first to make the Xenomorph’s to-do in list. In all, Harry starred in nearly 200 movies/TV shows, notably Escape From New York (1981), Christine (1983), Repo Man (1984), and even a small part in The Avengers (2012). (He saw The Hulk naked.)

Tobe Hooper

And on this note, I was remiss in reporting the earlier passing of horror icon movie maker, Tobe Hooper (January 25, 1943 – August 26, 2017), the man behind Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974), Eaten Alive (1976), Salem’s Lot (1979), Poltergeist (1982), Invaders From Mars (1986), The Mangler (1995) and was a big part of the Masters of Horror series (2005) and many more. (Tobe even did the Billy Idol video, “Dancing With Myself.”)

I’ve watched all these movies, sometimes over and over (I’m looking in your direction Alien and your endless repackaging.) To say these men had an impact on my neverending love for horror and sci-fi is an understatement. Thank you, gentlemen — your work gave me a very rewarding life.

Here are a few just-released horror/sci-fi that may not exist without the talents and influence of Harry Dean Stanton and Tobe Hooper

5th Kind

5TH KIND (available now)
“Three best friends try to get ‘internet famous’ by filming their own survival show out in the woods. A weekend trip to accomplish this project turns deadly when a mysterious and very foreign visitor ends up in their neck of the woods.”

This movie — which is not a sequel to The Fourth Kind (2009) — answers the question, do aliens crap in the woods. The key art gives it away, minus the doo doo part. I don’t wanna see that on any poster. Except Rise of Toilet Man. I hear it’s overflowing with horror. Ahem.

KM 31-2

KM 31-2 (available now)
Martin Ugalde is the detective who led the investigation into a series of mysterious deaths on a benighted stretch of road surrounded by woodland. Having been disgraced and even incarcerated for failing to solve the original case, he is now back on the case. Meanwhile, young Ágata, who awoke from a coma at the end of the original, is now possessed by an evil spirit.”

This one came out in Mexico on October 31, 2016, or so they say. I was not able to get into Mexico to verify. I kept being deported. The title is in reference to a road with the KM part being either kilometer or “kill-o-meter.” Kinda wondering how they work in the “possessed by and evil spirit” angle. It could be a simple, solveable case of eating a bad burrito.

Capps CrossingCAPPS CROSSING (available now)
“10 years ago David left his girlfriend Tracy all alone in the forest after she broke up with him. Tracy never made it back to camp alive. Every year David returns to pay his respects at Capps Crossing, the site of her death. After years of built up pain, anger and guilt he loses his mind and takes it out on a group of campers that chose Capps Crossing for their weekend getaway. There’s just one rule at Capps Crossing…never be alone.”

This one might get weak plot of the year award. And by the way, Tracy’s not dead — she’s breaking up with some other dude at Dumpsville, just down the road apiece.

Dead Again In Tombstone

DEAD AGAIN IN TOMBSTONE (available now)
Guerrero (Danny Trejo) returns from the dead to protect a stolen relic from falling into the hands of a gang of soldiers, which will ultimately cause Hell upon earth.”

The great Danny Trejo doing his best Jonah Hex in this country western horror cheapie. And Jonah Hex (2010) was just a cowboy version of The Crow (1994). But instead of a crow bringing you back across the veil of death, it was a donkey, or “sand kangaroo.”

Multi Evil Balloons, Multi-Headed Sharks, Multi Levels of Hell

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 6, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

It

Lovin’ the prankster “marketing” of Stephen King’s It re-boot (releasing September 8, 2017). One comes from Pennsylvania, specifically Lititz Borough, located about 40 miles southeast of Harrisburg. Someone tied the “kid bait” iconic red balloon to sewer grates. For those who know, this is where the demonic clown Pennywise lives, lures you in, and makes you load your britches in fear. Coincidence all of this takes place in a sewer?

red balloons

The other one comes from Stephen King himself, tying a red balloon in the window of his famous Bangor, Maine house for visiting trespassing gawkers to see/photograph. I don’t know why, but I find this to be quite funny.

The film is getting a huge pre-buzz and looks to scare the clown paint off your face. While wade through sewer holes to see it, here are few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to honk your clown car horn…

5-Headed Shark Attack

5-HEADED SHARK ATTACK (available now)
“Shaped like a terrifying starfish, a shark that has five heads terrorizes the open ocean and invades the beaches of Puerto Rico.”

Don’t know how this one got by me. I must’ve been manscaping. Or kazoo busking (I’m getting quite good at it — I’m now a double income lower class earner.) This shark week franchise got it’s start back in 2012 with 2-Headed Shark Attack. Then came 3-Headed Shark Attack in 2015. Waited anxiously for 4-Headed Shark Attack, but I think they just skipped the line and went for the brass life ring with 5-Headed Shark Attack. These types of movies don’t really need a plot — just get some screaming bait in micro bikinis and ring the dinner bell. As goofy as the premise is, you couldn’t pay me NOT to watch it.

Cold Moon

COLD MOON (October 6, 2017)
“In a sleepy southern town, the Larkin family suffers a terrible tragedy. Now the Larkin’s are about to endure another: traffic lights blink an eerie warning, a ghostly visage prowls in the streets, and graves erupt from the local cemetery in an implacable march of terror. And beneath the murky surface of the river, a shifting, almost human shape slowly takes form to seek a terrible vengeance.”

It’s probably Pennywise. If so, props to his agent for him scoring another showcase role.

Death House

DEATH HOUSE (January 26, 2018)
“Two federal agents fight their way through nine levels of Hell inside a secret prison known as the Death House. A facility-wide prison break turns their flight into a tour of horrors as they push toward the ultimate evil housed in the lowest depths of the earth.”

Almost the same plot premise as Baskin, a Turkish horror movie released in 2015 that’ll make you give up eating rancid ground hamburger floating in an otherwise delicious ketchup-based sauce. As for the nine levels of Hell, you can enter three of ‘em on your way to the men’s room at The Tug Tavern.

Let The Corpses Tan

LET THE CORPSES TAN (aka Laissez bronzer les cadavres!/2018)
“A Mediterranean summer: blue sea, blazing sun…and 250 kg of gold stolen by Rhino and his gang. They had found the perfect hideout: an abandoned and remote hamlet now taken over by a woman artist in search for inspiration. Unfortunately, surprise guests and two cops compromise their plan: the heavenly place where wild happenings and orgies used to take place turns into a gruesome battlefield.”

This one might need to be nominated for movie title of the year award. Gotta love the colorful press release: “wild happenings and orgies” and “gruesome battlefield.” Sounds like a heavy metal box social.

S.U.M.1

S.U.M.1 (2018)
“An aggressive race of aliens took over Earth and humanity’s at its end, living in giant bunkers below ground. Young military rookie S.U.M.1 is sent to the surface to save a group of unprotected survivors.”

Recalls Battle Los Angeles (2011) and about another hundred sci-fi movies featuring aliens. Still don’t know why extraterrestrials are so hell bent on conquering we Earthers; maybe it’s on their to-do list.

Blinding Eclipse, Virtual Ghosts, Garbage Children

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Eclipse Map

With the once-in-a-lifetime full-on eclipse just a few days away as of this lunar calendar day, Flipboard.com, a site dedicated to the subjects of the unexplained, the supernatural, paranormal conspiracies, mythical beasts (and where to find them), posted a map as where to best view the eclipse and UFOs that will be tracking the event as well. (I added the UFO pics to the map as I WANT TO BELIEVE their article.)

I’d be remiss in my duties as a highly untrained faux journalist if I didn’t make this socially responsible warning: do NOT watch the eclipse without special glasses (Amazon.com is selling ‘em by the metric ton). You could seriously damage your vision/eyeballs meant for online porn, cat videos and this blog. (Not necessarily in that order — the video where the lazy cat is riding on top of a dog still makes me LOL.)

Speaking of things that should or should not be viewed with eyes wide shut, here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies while you’re waiting for the vanilla sky… (You got both references, right?)

Stasis

STASIS (August 29, 2017/VOD)
“After a night out partying and being left behind by friends, Ava sneaks back home to find that she’s already safe in bed. But that’s not Ava — it’s someone who looks like her. A time-traveling fugitive has stolen Ava’s body, which makes Ava a virtual ghost, who is silent and invisible to the world. But Ava is not alone. There are other body snatchers secretly living among us, plotting to alter the future. Ava realizes she can stop these body snatchers and put the timeline back on course.”

If I came home and saw myself in bed, I’d put rubber snakes, unpaid parking tickets and peeled hard boiled eggs under the covers, then stand back and watch the ensuing hilarity. I sure hope my bed self doesn’t loose control of his/my bladder because of it; I gotta sleep in that thing. (It’s my turn tomorrow.)

30 Years of Garbage: The Garbage Pail Kids Story

30 YEARS OF GARBAGE: THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS STORY
(out now/select theaters/September 20, 2017/VOD/DVD)
“This documentary revisits the artists who made these collectibles famous, showing a rare glimpse into the corporate culture of Topps™ as they launched Garbage Pail Kids through the height of the cards fame, the downfall from the legal battle with the Cabbage Patch kids and their untimely demise. The film is jam packed with interviews of over a half dozen artists. Each artist penned these counter-culture trading cards and each artist shares the inside stories.”

Used to collect those things. My friends, too, as they were convinced I was one of the characters. (I would’ve been the electrocuted rock guitar star, Jolted Joel.) If you do a little homework you can track down The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, which came out in 1987. Not many saw it — the movie only made $1.5 million at the box office. Ironically, people spent more money collecting the horror/sci-fi/pop culture themed cards than on the flick itself.

Mexico BarbaroMEXICO BÁRBARO II (2017/film festival circuit)
“Nine Mexican directors come together to narrate traditions and more brutal, ruthless and bizarre legends of our country. Mexico Bárbaro II shows the world stories that are part of our popular culture, from sweet stories told by our grandmothers, the tooth fairy, witchcraft, the story behind the weeping woman, sexy servers of the Devil, a pagan hero, the burnt woman, up to ancestral culinary bloody rites. Traditions and legends that today continue to cause terror among Mexican people.”

If you saw the first Mexico Bárbaro (2014), then you know you’re in for a sweet, sick ride with II. This little jewel came out of nowhere (okay, Mexico) and the eight shorts that comprise the indie made film were highly gruesome, graphic and gory, which means you should watch it. (FYI: Bárbaro translates to “Barbarian.” After watching the movie, that’s sugar coating it.)

Land of Smiles

LAND OF SMILES (out now UK; 2017/2018/US)
“A young backpacker is lured through the Third World paradise of Thailand, searching for her kidnapped best friend and unknowingly she becomes the object of a sociopath’s obsession.”

Not sure how this differs from, say, a trip to the grocery store and/or cult retreat. Never been to Thailand. I wear T-shirts, not ties. My motto: thrashin’, not fashion. So sayeth Jolted Joel.