Hellish Accommodations, Accidental UFOs, Ghost With Three Names

Hotel Hell is an AI-generated travelers lodging and, if it were real, could very well usurp Hilton’s Curio Collection™ as THE place to stay while visiting downtown Portland, OR or Purgatory (same thing). As iHorror.com™ perfectly sums it up, “With its spacious Satanic-themed lobby and Baphomet bedrooms, this hotel seems as if it were designed to accommodate the demons in all of us.” Wonder if the hotel offers free Necronomicon bibles (preferably first edition) in their nightstands?

Digitally designed by Ink Poisoning™ Apparel (who have a line of must-have evil clothing — follow ‘em on Instagram™), they describe it thusly: “We offer the worst accommodations imaginable, from cramped rooms, broken furniture, and an over heated pool. At Hotel Hell, the wicked are subjected to eternal suffering and torment. They are punished for their sins and denied any chance of redemption or escape. They are tortured and tormented in a variety of ways, from physical pain to psychological anguish. They are also denied any chance of rest or respite, as they are doomed to suffer for all eternity. So come and experience the ultimate in misery and despair at Hotel Hell!”

This place needs to be crowd-funded right now. So while we all drain the tens of dollars from our life savings to make it happen, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not be as nightmarish as Hilton’s Curio Collection™… 

ACCIDENTAL TRUTH — UFO REVELATIONS / Out now (VOD)

“The truth can no longer be contained by those duty-bound to hide it. Officials who interact with the public regarding the UFO question openly acknowledge that they know things that they can’t reveal. In Accidental Truth — UFO Revelations, the reality of an advanced intelligence engaging with humanity becomes undeniably clear.”

This always cracks me up —“advanced intelligence engaging with humanity.” This is like saying extraterrestrials think we’re a bunch of Netscape 3 level dumbasses. Okay they’re not wrong. But geez, there’s no need to rub it in our Netscaped faces.

INSIDIOUS: THE RED DOOR / July 7, 2023 (Theaters)

“A direct sequel to the first two movies, the story is set 10 years after the end of Insidious 2, where Josh Lambert heads east to drop off his son Dalton at an idyllic, ivy-covered university. However, Dalton’s college dream becomes a nightmare when the repressed demons of his past suddenly return to haunt them both.”

So this is the third title treatment given to an otherwise “meh” ghost’d franchise, the first two being Insidious: The Dark Realm and Insidious: Fear of the Dark, all of which suck in a sucky sort of way. P.S. I posted about this on December 2, 2022. The seas were rough that day and I had long since forgotten where I left my pants…

CRATER / May 12, 2023 (Disney+™)

“After the death of his father, a boy growing up on a lunar mining colony takes a trip to explore a legendary crater, along with his four best friends, prior to being permanently relocated to another planet.”

Ugh. Teen sci-fi. Still, it begs the question: why do meteors always seem to land in craters? I probably used that joke here before. Hey, if it ain’t broke…

NIGHT EXPLORERS: THE ASYLUM / Release pending 2023/2024

“When a group of urban explorers get the chance of a lifetime to explore one of the world’s most haunted asylums, they encounter something truly evil, that will not let them leave and will push them to the edge of sanity.”

I Goggle’d™ “world’s most haunted asylum” and it came up, “The Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum in Weston, WV is widely regarded as one of the world’s most haunted places. It was built in the 1800s during the Civil War and contains a lot of secrets from that time until its closing in 1994.” And here all this time I thought it was the Tug Tavern. Now I’m super confused. Again.

Panic in the Midwest, Strained Zombies, Hot Rod UFOs

If you’re a horror movie fan living in Kansas City, MO, then get ready for some squealing glee noises to spring from your mouth hole: the Panic Fest: Horror, Sci-Fi, Thrillers Film Festival takes place at Screenland Theater (1701 McGee Street) April 13 – 23, 2023 in both in-person and virtual formats. This means you can “attend” if you don’t live in Missouri Land.

From the festival’s press release: “Panic Fest was founded in 2013 by Screenland Theatre and Downright Creepy. The fest enters its 10th year as one of the top genre festivals in the world. This year we once again provide a virtually option to attendees all over the United States via the Eventive™ platform in addition to our in person festival, which features enhanced safety protocols.” (Enhanced safety protocols probably means a two-drink maximum.) 

Panic Fest is screening a metric ton of foreign and non-foreign horror, sci-fi and thrillers. I’d list them all here, but you can go to their website to see all the titles. Cool how that works. So the three-tiered ticket pricing starts at $15 for a single pass, $135 for an online virtual pass (lots of cool extras with this one), and tops out at a head-slapping $205 for in-person and virtual access. Don’t panic — you can get hooked up here.

So while we plan on attending Panic Fest in person (because Double Shift Brewing and Red Sash Brewing are a mere block from the Screenland Theatre), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need a two-drink maximum to get through…

STRAIN 100 / April 11, 2023 (VOD)

“After surviving a terrifying car crash, a young woman discovers aggressive flesh-eating zombies have overtaken the entire area. She must figure out what is happening and why in hopes of escaping her horrifying circumstances.”

A weak plot as far as zombie movies go. Maybe throw in a robot, a couple of werewolves and a cheerleader. That should pump up the jams.

I’LL BE WATCHING / May 2, 2023 (VOD)

“After Julie’s sister was murdered, she and her tech genius husband move to the country, and he installs a top-notch security system that he developed. When he leaves on a work trip, she gets trapped inside and is convinced that the killer is having fun playing a sick game of psychological torture, before killing her like her sister.”

Psychological torture can be brutal, like when the bartender cuts me off, then goes, “Kidding!” Man, that is just not cool.

THE ANTARES PARADOX (aka, La paradoja de Antares) / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

The fiction takes place in a single room, involving dedicated astrophysicist Alexandra Baeza, who interacts via phone and video with the rest of characters. Alexandra is working in a Spanish branch of the SETI project. Upon receiving a signal from the Antares system that could herald the confirmation of extraterrestrial intelligence (and which she is required to verify), she receives the news of her father being at death’s door. She faces a dilemma as to whether priority should be given to career or to family. 

Tough call, but I’m gonna go with doing a Zoom™ call with the aliens and see if they’ll come to Earth and let me get behind the wheel of one of their hot rodded UFOs. I’ve seen enough flying saucer movies to get the gist of operating one.

SKULLETON / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Moira Cole attempts to move on with her shattered life after the brutal murder of her friends and family at the hands of her deranged and obsessed cousin, Lee Morris. Living a quiet suburban life with her deeply affected two adult sons, Moira is constantly reminded of her past, which is strewn across the screen every October, having been optioned into an incredibly popular horror franchise.”

Skulleton would be a great name for a metal band whose merch is cooler than their music.

Monochrome Kaiju, Purging Priest, Aliens Hate Raves

It was a huge national debate after the movie Godzilla (aka, Gojira) premiered in 1954 — is the monster green or some sort of skid mark brown? No one could tell as Godzilla was a black and white movie. (Given Godzilla’s reptile lineage, green was the side of the street most people stood on.)

Now, with the release of Mezco Toys™ Kaiju Collective Godzilla (1954) Black and White Edition Figure, the argument can finally be settled — the famous monster is…DARK GREY. And Mezco Toys™ is replicating our favorite colorless monster with this figure straight out of 1954.

From EntertainmentEarth’s press release (that’s where you can buy one or more for $140.00): “The Kaiju Collective Godzilla (1954) features an all-new seamless body designed with an internal skeleton armature that is durable yet highly posable, a hinged jaw that opens and closes, and is approximately 8” tall and 12” from teeth to tail. The beastly behemoth comes with interchangeable hands that allow him to hold his included accessories like a jet plane and railway. The included dilapidated building replicas, military tanks, canons, and heat ray FX assist in recreating a multitude of unique display options.” EntertainmentEarth.com is taking preorders (click here) for a December 2023 fulfillment date — just in time for me to be Christmas-gifted with one ‘o these action figures.  

So while we all purge our lives of all things hippie day-glo color and immerse ourselves in black and white (if it’s good enough for Godzilla, it’s good enough for EVERYONE), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you turn green or some sort of skid mark brown…

BOSTON STRANGLER / March 17, 2023 (Hulu™)

“Loretta McLaughlin, a reporter for the Record-American newspaper, becomes the first journalist to connect the Boston Strangler murders. As the mysterious killer claims more and more victims, Loretta attempts to continue her investigation alongside colleague and confidante Jean Cole, yet the duo finds themselves stymied by the rampant sexism of the era. Nevertheless, McLaughlin and Cole bravely pursue the story at great personal risk, putting their own lives on the line in their quest to uncover the truth.”

That super mean Boston Strangler guy murdered 13 women back in the ‘60s in Boston of all places. He (you already know who BS is) died in 1973, ironically from choking on Ladies’ Fingers.

THE POPE’S EXORCIST / April 14, 2023 (Theaters)

“Portrayal of a real-life figure Father Gabriele Amorth, a priest who acted as chief exorcist of the Vatican and who performed more than 100,000 exorcisms in his lifetime. (He passed away in 2016 at the age of 91.) Amorth wrote two memoirs — An Exorcist Tells His Story and An Exorcist: More Stories — and detailed his experiences battling Satan and demons that had clutched people in their evil.”

Some hellish math goin’ on here. If Father Gabriele Amorth performed more than 100,000 stated exorcisms during his 60 year+ headlining appearance at the Vatican Soul Food Bar & Grill, this means he would have had to do 1,666.666 demon-shooing procedures a year. That comes out to 4.56 exorcisms every day for six decades. No Saturday or Sunday nights off, no holidays, company parties or booze cruises. Just an assembly line of evil begone. 

Statistically, the Vatican’s “quantity over quality” chi-scrubbing means there’s likely a LOT of still demon-infected people who could have a case for a refund…and maybe some of those surprisingly delicious communion crackers priests love to hand out like blessed parking tickets.

COLD BLOWS THE WIND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Dean and Tasha’s first mistake was driving drunk. Their second, hitting a jogger. Their third, driving out to a remote location to bury the body. Tensions build between them as they can’t agree about anything along the way. When a mysterious visitor arrives offering not to tell anyone about the body they buried in exchange for protection, their night goes from bad to worse. Will the two of them be able to work together to make it back home? Or will the rift between them lead to even more horrific mistakes?”

Reminds me of the old joke: “If you don’t like the way I drive, then stay off the sidewalk.” A day doesn’t go by where I don’t LOL over that one.

BLUE LIGHT / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“Seven childhood friends excitedly embark on a road trip in an old RV to the coolest underground music festival out there – Blue Light. It will turn into a nightmare journey for which there is no U-turn for survival. They will carry the scars of the experience for the rest of their lives — if they survive.”

A UFO movie. So the gang sees the UFO, thinks it’s festival rave lights, and get out of the RV and start dancing like they were idiot-streaming on TikTok™. Horrified, the aliens see this, then vaporize the party-goers with some sort of hi-tech vape-o-beam. I just spoiled the plot for you. Sorry, not sorry.

Alien Disco Lights, Vampire Mom, Psycho Family Unit

The truth is finally here — we now have stunning photographic evidence of aliens party-crashing Earth. Submitted by Dar Tanner of TeamTanner: Aurora Weather Chasers, these stunning pictograms are proof we’re not alone.

Or are we? The colorful, otherworldly lights may not be of extraterrestrial origin, but possibly from this stupid planet’s stupid weather. “They’re light pillars,” according to the National Weather Service. “And they materialize when temperatures near single digits and the air is full of ice.”

The National Weather Service is full of something — but it’s not ice. Clearly, this light show is courtesy of an intelligent source that’s as intelligent as this blog. In your face, NWS.

So while we continue to keep watching the skies, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be kicked in the ice hole…

BLOOD / January 12, 2023 (VOD)

“Jess, a separated mother and nurse, moves with her daughter and young son Owen back into her old farmhouse. Shortly after settling in, Owen is bitten by the family dog, resulting in a mysterious infection from the bite. When Jess discovers a disturbing cure, she is tested on how far she’s willing to go to save her child.”

Her boy is now a vampire, thanks to a chomp from Dracula’s dog. Mom already knows what the “cure” is, which means they’re having stake for dinner. Heh.

DAUGHTER / February 10, 2023 (Limited theater/VOD)

“A young woman is inducted into a bizarre family as their new surrogate daughter. As she navigates through this twisted dynamic, awful secrets about the past are revealed, leading to even darker implications about the future.”

Sounds like I have a new sister. 

THE FLASH / June 23, 2023 (Theaters)

“The Flash travels back in time to prevent the murder of his mother, an act which significantly disrupts time.”

Sir Trots Alot already did that in the TV series The Flash (CW), and made all his super friends super mad at him. The fastest man alive wasn’t able to outrun that well-deserved frowning of a lifetime.

#NO_FILTER / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As the #1 social influencer at her high school, Anna is still discovering the advantages and drawbacks of this new status. Home alone, she’s determined to gain as many followers as possible but when the line between real and virtual is getting blurry, the night becomes bloody.”

Social media horror is an oxymoron. And anyone striving to be an “influencer” is just a moron.

Monsters Au Naturel, Bigfoot Pursuit, Alien Party Crashers

Paul Garner is an artist living in Brighton, United Kingdom. That pretty dang far from where I’m lallygagging. But thanks to this thing called the “Internet” (you may have heard of it), now you can view his incredible horror movie icon illustrations…and buy ’em. (Full disclosure: I recently purchased some of Garner’s art and am currently gawking at it on the wall right next to where I’m lallygagging.)

Paul’s latest series is Nudie Monsters, recasting The Mummy, Wolf-Man, The Fly and Bride of Frankenstein in eye-poppingly colorful “pin-ups”. Don’t worry — they’re PG-rated, which means you don’t have to hide ‘em under your bed. These silk board prints sell in sets of three for 25£ ($31.40 US) and measure 11.75”x16.5”. Get ’em on his Etsy shop page here. Better yet, marvel at Paul’s extraordinary illustrating skills on his website: www.paulgarnerart.com

As confessed in a court of public opinion above, I purchased the Jaws poster and just sent in an order for The Shining print. If none of these examples are to your liking (critic), you can get caricatures of Creature of the Black Lagoon, Nosferatu, Night of the Living Dead and even Ozzy Osbourne, who’s kind of a monster himself.

While you take down your Vincent van Gogh and Pablo Picasso black light posters to make room for Paul’s peerless artings, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better by having nude monsters in ’em…

NIGHT OF THE AXE / Out now (VOD)

“A group of young adults enjoying a high school reunion party are terrorized by an escaped mental patient obsessed with satisfying his blood lust. One by one they are made victims of the sadistic killer. Who will survive the Night of the Axe?”

Not only does it SOUND like a slasher plot straight out of late ’70s/early’80s, it IS a slasher plot straight of late ’70s/early’80s. Time spent coming up with the script? 70 or 80 seconds.

ON THE TRAIL OF BIGFOOT: LAST FRONTIER / January 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Small Town Monsters heads to the frozen vistas of the 49th state with On the Trail of Bigfoot: Last Frontier. The first 2023 Small Town Monsters docudrama features in-depth interviews with locals and a heavy focus on the Indigenous people who first called the land home. Focusing on evidence and encounters with the legendary Sasquatch, On the Trail of Bigfoot: Last Frontier aims to give audiences the most cohesive look at Alaskan Sasquatch lore.”

YET ANOTHER documentary cashing in on Bigfoot’s good name. B’foot really needs to put his big foot down on people not legally licensing his image and/or footwear.

KIDS VS. ALIENS / January 20, 2023 (Digital/VOD)

“All Gary wants is to make awesome home movies with his best buds. All his older sister Samantha wants is to hang with the cool kids. When their parents head out of town one Halloween weekend, an all-time rager of a teen house party turns to terror when aliens attack, forcing the siblings to band together to survive the night.”

A better solution: we should send ALL our teenagers to the alien’s planet to crash their ragers. 

YULETIDE HORROR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Directed by Ethan Evans and produced by Jess Bartlett and Kieran Nolan Jones, Yuletide Horror is a feature-length documentary exploring the terrifying history of Christmas horror folklore and cinema, from Black Christmas, Gremlins, Silent Night, Deadly Night and beyond.”

And the soundtrack could be (wait for it)…wrap music.

Halloween Hooch, Mexican Zombies, Blue Collar Aliens

When we were kids, trick-or-treating on Halloween was like winning the tooth-decay Lottery™. Now that we’re adults (ahem), Halloween for this “aging disgracefully” community is an opportunity for something even sweeter than free candy: refreshing AND invigorating alcohol.

To celebrate Halloween properly, here are new themed cocktails to scare the sobriety right outta you. On the Breckenridge Distillery™ website, they’ve come up with a menu of deadly delicious All Hallow’s Eve adult beverages that not only taste like Hell (in a good way), a few even have horror movie references that make ‘em worthy of a second/third/fourth round. (See the recipes HERE) 

A few drink examples: “You’ll Float, Too,” a Pennywise aperitif (yeesh, that’s a pretentious word) concocted with Breckenridge Chili Chile Vodka™, lemonade, red honey, lemon sherbet and soda. It’s an “I scream” float — heh. Then there’s the Harry Potter drink, “Deathly Hallows,” made with Breckenridge Bourbon™, vanilla bean syrup, apple cider, and cranberry juice. That’ll stiffen your wand. 

Other cool bevs include, “The Upside Down,” “Hallows & Horcruxes,” “Bedlam & Broomsticks,” and my favorite: “Don’t Fall Asleep,” a Nightmare on Elm Street cocktail. (Ironically, drinking five of these will probably make you fall asleep/pass out, at which point Freddy Krueger — or pink Freddy Kreugers — will come to f*ck up your sloshed slumber.)

While you beg your bartender to make you one of these seasonal drinkables, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need alcohol to enjoy…

MEXZOMBIES / Out now (ViX+)

Two misfit teenagers: Cronos, a lover of classic cinema, and Tavo, an aspiring parkour expert. Along with their friends from the exclusive Sierra Linda neighborhood, they must face the unexpected challenge of preventing a zombie apocalypse in Mexico City. As they test their friendship, they also search for their first love.”

Why did they go and ruin a perfectly good Mexican zombie movie by adding “friendship” and “first love”? An undead apocalypse is not the time OR place for BFFs and/or smooching. Mierda total. 

THE AREA 51 INCIDENT / November 1, 2022 (VOD)

“An outbreak occurs in the infamous Area 51, leading a group of survivors to an underground bunker — only to learn they are not alone.”

Of course they’re not alone. They’re in Area 51, which means the place is crawling with extraterrestrials. Heck, aliens even hold down day jobs at Area 51— and they don’t need humans bugging ‘em while they’re at work. You don’t see aliens harassing you at 7-Eleven™ where you work… 

MANDRAKE / November 10, 2022 (Shudder™)

“A probation officer, Cathy Madden is tasked with rehabilitating a notorious killer named ‘Bloody’ Mary Laidlaw back into society following a two-decade sentence.”

A Mandrake is a narcotic, short-stemmed European plant, Mandragora officinarum, of the nightshade family, having a fleshy, often forked root somewhat resembling a human form. What this has to do with a notorious killer beats the nightshade outta me. 

THE CASTLE / November 11, 2022 (VOD)

“On their wedding day, Michael and Catherine’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. They walk several miles when they discover an old castle. Against her better judgment, Catherine is convinced by Michael to spend the night. Once she enters the castle, she feels like something is watching her. What she discovers in the castle will change her life forever.”

Castles usually have only three things: bite spiders, stink rats and Dracula. Only one thing is more horrifying: newlyweds. 

Chews From These Shark Movies

You can make ‘em fly, put ‘em into space, turn ‘em into ghosts and robots, possess ‘em with the Devil and make ‘em swim on littered streets. But at the end of the day, sharks are gonna do what Jesus put ‘em here to do: chew and swallow people. That’s what we pay ‘em to do and that’s why there are one hundred billion shark movies with the same eating problems. You’d think that would get old, but it just doesn’t.

Sure, there are other things that eat people: zombies that don’t brush or floss, fine-dining cannibals, extra-extra-extra large snakes, murder bears… But there’s something about the remorseless, bottomless stomach shark that resonates on a level that supersedes even that of the all-you-can-eat Royal Fork Buffet™.

That said, there are a ton of shark horror movies that suck. We’ve seen all of them. Here, then, is a snack platter of shark movies that still suck, albeit slightly less…

HORROR SHARK (2020)

Horror Shark has as many different titles as he has teeth: Blood Bite, Blood Shark, Xus Sha… (it’s a Chinese movie, so be prepared to read it.) Genetically-altered sharks, conspiracies, scuba divers not paying attention. You know the drill.

ALIEN SHARK (2022)

A meteor carrying an extraterrestrial shark crashes to Earth and the beast heads to the beach for some out-of-this-world see food. It’s as believable as it sounds.

SKY SHARKS (2020)

Nazis, hiding in the Land of Ice and Snow (Antarctic), have been experimenting on sharks instead of penguins, modifying them to be able to fly. And the Nazis, trying YET AGAIN to conquer the world, ride ‘em like winged rodeo sharks and attack commercial airliners. It’s as believable as it sounds.

ATOMIC SHARK (2016)

Mutated by radiation leaking like a blown bladder out of a sunken Russian submarine, these atomic sharks (more than one) are jock itch red and covered in jock itch pus pustules. This compliments their char-broiled fins and irradiated blemishes. The rest of the plot does not matter.

NOAH’S SHARK (2021)

A televangelist (religious grifter) and a team of people holding cameras head out to find the mythical Noah’s Ark (i.e., barnyard barge). But biblical prophecies hit the fan when they discover the divine dinghy is guarded by a prehistoric shark and an ancient curse. Well played, God.

OUIJA SHARK (2020)

Teenage girls use a Ouija board to summon the spirit of a teen-eating shark. While most of us would’ve use the board to order Uber-Eats™, someone/something still gets to strap on the feedbag.

SHARK ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (2020)

The plan to use sharks to fulfill their invasion strategy, super mean aliens find out too late that sharks also have a taste for imported cuisine. 

SHARK EXORCIST (2015)

A nun, fed up with her prayers never being answered, switches political parties and goes full on demonic. She uses her newfound affiliation with the Devil to possess a great white shark. It doesn’t take long for the collection plate to turn into a dinner plate.

SHARK HUNTRESS (2021)

An environmentalist goes underwater to battle sea garbage and a garbage-eating shark. Guess what — everything is yummy garbage to a shark…including you.

SHARK SIDE OF THE MOON (2022)

Gotta hand it to the Russians — not only did they succeed in creating indestructible sharks, they sent ‘em to the moon to deal with those pesky flag-planting, rock-collecting American astronauts.

SHARKULA (2022)

Vampire sharks prey on a tourist community as though it were a tomato soup vending machine. There was a Sharkula movie that came out in 2013 with almost the exact same plot. That one didn’t go very far. Neither will this one. 

VIRUS SHARK (2021)

A shark-bite spreads the SHVID-1 virus. (It probably got it by having unprotected mating with a Sperm Whale.) Unbitten/unvaccinated scientists work feverishly around the test tube to find a cure. Do they succeed? Does it matter?

P.S. I went the whole blog post without once mentioning Jaws and… Crap — just did. Dang it.

Big Screen Kaijus, Mutant Snakes, Tavern Terrors

To get your mouth slobbered up for Godzilla Day (November 3, 2022), Fathom Events™ and Toho International™ are bringing Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla (2002) to over 450 nationwide theaters. That’s the good news. The reverse of that: this is a one-day screening only on the aforementioned November 3, 2022.

The press release from Toho: “By partnering with Fathom™, we are able to treat our U.S.-based fans to a sensational Godzilla film they have never been able to see before. And with Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla hitting hundreds of theaters, there will be plenty of opportunities for fans to see it on the big screen. It’s the perfect way to celebrate Godzilla Day,” said Lora Cohn, managing director of international licensing, Toho International™.

As the movie is 20 years old, you may not have heard about or seen it. A refresher: “In Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla, a new Godzilla causes the JSDF to construct a cyborg countermeasure from the original monster’s remains. The beast’s restless soul is discovered to inhabit the machine.”

While you click like mad to get tickets, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make slobber within your mouth… 

DEEP SEA MUTANT SNAKE / Out now (YouTube™)

“Qin Yu’s fiancée died while investigating the sinister Cass group. In order to successfully testify against this group in court, Qin Yu followed Jason, who had evidence of the group’s crimes, on a cruise. By mistake, they visit the island where the Cass Corporation conducts illegal experiments. The strange ecological environment of the island and the re-emergence of giant snakes put Qin Yu and others in a desperate and deadly situation.”

Qin Yu and the others should think twice about putting on rodent-scented sunblock during their stay at Mutant Snake Island. P.S. This was titled Deep Sea Snake Disaster in China where it was released in August 2022. I’m betting you missed it.

BRIDGE OF THE DOOMED / November 4, 2022 (Blu-ray, DVD, VOD)

“A group of soldiers are ordered to hold a bridge during a zombie outbreak. However, what lives underneath the bridge, proves to be even more deadly.”

What could possibly be more deadly than zombies living under a bridge? It’s gotta be a troll. Or two trolls. One troll is pretty freakin’ deadly. But two trolls? Forget about it…

NIGHT OF THE TOMMYKNOCKERS / November 18, 2022 (Digital)

“1856: When blasting for gold a group of miners accidentally release ancient creatures known as Tommyknockers. The town of Deer Creek, Nevada is soon under siege with only a handful of survivors held up in the local saloon.”

Seeking refuge in a saloon recalls Grabbers (2012), wherein a small island off the coast of Ireland is invaded by bloodsucking aliens. The surviving townsfolk hole up in a tavern and proceed to get stinking drunk. Not just for fun and happiness, but because the aliens can’t suck on them due to all the alcohol in their systems. Note to extraterrestrials who may be reading this: you know where to find me. 

THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER / Pending release, 2023 (Netflix™)

“Roderick Usher and his twin sister Madeline live in a mansion that Roderick believes is alive and exercises some degree of control over its inhabitants. Madeline suffers from strange, deathlike trances and Roderick is experiencing worsening mental illness and hysteria. The story charts a family falling into madness and isolation in an epic tale of greed, horror and tragedy.”

This is based on the Edgar Allan Poe short story published in 1839. I did not know time went back that far. If you’re familiar with the classic supernatural tale, Roderick has more problems than a “special” first name. Start with the glowing lake outside and that big crack running though the house. And you don’t wanna know what’s making all that racket in the bathroom plumbing.

The Kings of Kaiju

Three new key art posters for Godzilla: King of the Monsters, coming in May 2019. These are pretty dang cool as each of Godzilla’s BFFs (Big F’n Foes) get their own moment in the spotlight.

First, we get to see in sweet detail what Rodan looks like. The gigantic, trouble-making bird had his own movie back in 1956. It was Toho’s (film studio) first color movie and actually featured two Rodans. Wonder if their mom knew the pesky Pteranodons snacked on humans and intentionally knocked over buildings?

Next up is the three-headed Ghidorah, who was also called Monster Zero back in 1970. In his big screen debut, aliens in shiny suits from Planet X (on the same block as Jupiter), come to Earth asking to borrow Godzilla and Rodan to help smack Ghidorah, who has been flying around and zapping the planet with electric bolts, forcing the English-speaking extraterrestrials to live underground with no windows. Not surprisingly, beans were outlawed.

Then we come to Mothra, who was introduced in 1964. (In Japan, the movie was called Mothra vs. Godzilla, but in the States it was titled Godzilla vs. The Thing.) A huge storm (in Japan they called it a typhoon) unearths an egg the size of a shopping mall. In it are twin larvae and Mothra is their mom (or would that be “Momthra”?). Godzilla fancies an omelet and tries to crack the egg, until Mothra flies in as if to say, “Oh, hell no.”

As of this writing Godzilla: King of The Monsters is still about six months away. These new posters help ease my anxiousness to see this monster match-up. Until then, I’ll keep going to my support group meetings.

Bookended By Godzilla, Zombie Blood, Alien Park Job

Looking for a Christmas present to buy for me this year? I already took care of your shopping — go to Etsy.com and click over to Mokushop’s, um, shop, and you’ll find awesome, under $70 custom wooden hand-chiseled bookends.

With TV around, I don’t do books, so you’ll have to buy me some to go with ‘em as well. But for a chance to own either the Godzilla and/or Kraken (giant octopus) bookends, it might be worth my time to learn how to read.

These things are “extremely limited”, so you’ll have to hurry, Don’t worry about wrapping ‘em as I’ll already know what they are. Thanks for the thought, though. Very Christmas-y of you.

While I wait for you to ship the bookends to me, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth as much as chiseled wood…

CHRISTMAS BLOOD (December 4, 2018)
“Christmas is a time of peace, love and family. But not for Norway as a psychopath dressed in a Santa Claus suit has been terrorizing them for the past 13 years. For as soon as the caroling starts, this demented Kris Kringle dispenses bloody ax blows regardless of whether you’ve been bad or good. As the holiday approaches on one snow-covered town filled with revelers, a pair of detectives work against time to find and arrest this bearded serial killer. Will they manage to stop this demented St. Nick before he kills again?”

As of this holiday season, there are 100,000 horror movies about serial killer/psychopath Santa Claus killers. Know what I want for Christmas for a change? No more of these same-plot movies.

ATTRACTION (December 4, 2018)
“Moscow finds itself on the brink of destruction after a mysterious spaceship crash-lands in the center of the city. While the government seeks to find out what the ship’s passengers want and how to protect the local population, the rest of the city residents break into conflicting factions. Some view the aliens as a threat that should be extinguished, while others hope that the visitors are peaceful and offer an opportunity to learn more about the world beyond. When a young woman finds herself torn between her seemingly normal life and the alluring promise offered by one of the all-too-human extraterrestrials, the fate of the entire world is left hanging in the balance.”

A social commentary on immigrants or a poorly-named sci-fi movie about aliens parking downtown wherever they want? You already know the answer.

JOHNNY Z (2019)
“A half human, half zombie named Johnny, holds the cure to the zombie epidemic. After escaping Nordac, an experimental medical prison, Johnny comes under the guidance of a martial arts Grandmaster named Jonray who agrees under a dying wish to protect and embarks on a journey to find a missing doctor while battling personal demons.”

Sounds like Johnny Z is just another name for Murphy, the half human/half zombie in Z Nation zombie apocalypse TV series on the SyFy™ Channel whose inner gunk holds the cure for un-zombie-ing. Wonder if they’re blood brothers?

THE VANISHING (2019)
“On an uninhabited island 20 miles from the rugged Scottish coast, three lighthouse keepers arrive for their six week shift. As Thomas, James and Donald settle into their usual, solitary routines, something unexpected and potentially life-changing occurs — they stumble upon something that isn’t theirs to keep. Where did it come from? Who does it belong to? A boat appears in the distance that might hold the answer to these questions. What follows is a tense battle for survival as personal greed replaces loyalty — and fed by isolation and paranoia, three honest men are led down a path to destruction.”

They don’t say what it is they discovered. But after a minimum amount of thought, it can only be one thing for a the isolated men on that remote island; a supermodel.