Tattooed Superhero, Pentagon Aliens, Eating Planets

Going batty over the first released pic of Ruby Rose as the new Batgirl. Before she launches her own series, CW is gonna have her do pop-ups in The Flash, Supergirl and Arrow. (It’ll be called Elseworlds. Batman is gonna be so jealous.)

Ruby Rose, if you didn’t hear, is being touted as the first gay female superhero in the lead role. While CW already has several high-profile gay/lesbian characters in their superhero shows, this is further great news. And the stunningly attractive and badass Ruby — former Australian model, actress, and television presenter who is literally painted in tattoos — is an awesome casting choice. (You saw her in The Meg, yes? The shark wisely chose to swim in the opposite direction of her.)

While we wait impatiently for Ruby to turn criminals into prison fertilizer, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that may or may not be as cool as the new Batgirl…

ALIENS AT THE PENTAGON (available now)
“For years the US government denied investigating UFOs. But when an ultra-secret Pentagon program to study the Alien threat was exposed in late 2017, the world was stunned by this revelation. Nick Pope, aka ‘The Real Fox Mulder’, investigated UFOs and other unexplained phenomena for the British government. Now Nick exposes the secretive workings of the Pentagon’s real-life X-Files unit, using his knowledge and past experience to tell the incredible story as only a true government insider can.”

If you’re a fan of UFO documentaries like, um, me, then you’ll no doubt want to rent this one. But don’t buy it if you’re planning on being abducted by aliens in the near future. I’m still waiting.

HAUNTED (October 19, 2018/Netflix™)
“Netflix’s™ Haunted gives a chilling glimpse into the first-person accounts from people who have witnessed horrifying, peculiar, extraordinary supernatural events and other unexplained phenomena that continue to haunt them.”

The only horrifying event I’ve ever witnessed is the bar I’m in closing at 2AM. I’m getting the shakes just thinking about it. Then again, maybe it’s all that beer that’s giving me the trembles.

GODZILLA: THE PLANET EATER (November 9, 2018/Japan | Netflix™ 2019)
“Last year, Toho and Polygon kicked off an animated trilogy with Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters, which continued this year with Godzilla: City on the Edge of Battle (now on Netflix™). The trilogy ends with Godzilla: The Planet Eater.”

Awesome title. And it suits Godzilla Earth perfectly as he can be seen in the previous two animated features biting into mountains as if they were Hostess Cupcakes™. So if he eats a planet for dinner, what might be a good side dish — a jungle salad, perhaps?

PET SEMATARY (April 5, 2019)
“Based on the seminal horror novel by Stephen King, Pet Sematary follows Dr. Louis Creed, who, after relocating with his wife Rachel and their two young children from Boston to rural Maine, discovers a mysterious burial ground hidden deep in the woods near the family’s new home. When tragedy strikes, Louis turns to his unusual neighbor, Jud Crandall, setting off a perilous chain reaction that unleashes an unfathomable evil with horrific consequences.”

If you saw the original adaptation (1989), it was pretty dang excellent, even if it was a spin on the Monkey’s Paw back-from-the-dead gut-punch. I don’t care as the trailer for the new one looks to continue the thrills, chills and doctor bills.

Horror Kids, Old UFOs, Fighting The Devil

If you’re a fan of the Garbage Pail Kids cards, check out Horrorible Kids, a line of illustrated horror movie icon trading cards/stickers from Magic Marker Art. These things are so cool, you could give ‘em out as wedding gifts or just carry one or more in your wallet to replace that mug shot that is your driver’s license photo.

From the press release: “Now up for pre-order through Pingitore’s Magic Marker Art, you can grab single packs, 5-packs and 24-pack boxes, as well as a ‘Horrorible Kids’ retro collector album!”

At $4 for a single pack and $65 for an entire box, you pretty much have no excuse not to rummage through your mom’s purse to get the credit card coinage needed to purchase these must-have cards. Mom won’t mind, especially if you give her a pack or two for Mother’s Day and/or Christmas.

Horrorible Kids cards are due to arrive July 2018, so plan on skipping rent in June. And while you’re clicking HERE to pre-order, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make good Mother’s Day/Christmas gifts…

ROSWELL 70 YEARS LATER (available now)
“70 years after the supposed UFO crash in Roswell, NM experts shed light on what may have happened that night in 1947.”

Not “may have happened,” it’s what DID happen. All the extraterrestrials I’ve hung out with insist one ‘em had a little too much moon juice at the Little A’Le’Inn, tried driving home drunk and crashed its saucer. The insurance company covered it up and the rest is folklore history.

BLEEDING STEEL (July 6, 2018)
“Lin is a police inspector in modern Hong Kong. While tracking down a deranged, mecha-enhanced villain, Lin discovers that a geneticist’s lost bio-chemical invention has been surgically implanted into his missing daughter. With the help of a young hacker, Lin connects the dots between the device that haunts his daughter, his enemy’s sinister army, and a strange cultural phenomenon called Bleeding Steel.”

Bleeding Steel sounds cool as a movie title, but better as a heavy metal band name. Metal bands are mecha-enhanced and drink blood, so it all fits together like some sort of album.

GAGS (2018)
“It’s been eight days since the clown first showed up in Green Bay, WI. Now, over the course of one night, four different groups of people cross paths with the clown everyone calls ‘Gags’ and his true intentions are finally revealed.”

Never understood the whole “silent scary clown on the roadside/neighborhood” craze that went on a few years ago. Seemed kinda dumb considering it was overkill — bars are still loaded with enough clowns as it is.

LUCIFERINA (2018)
“Nineteen-year-old nun-in-training Natalia reluctantly returns home to say goodbye to her dying father. However, when she meets up with her sister and her friends, they all decide to travel into the jungle in search of mystical plant. But what they find instead is a world of black masses, strange pregnancies, violent deaths, as well as a climactic, shocking clash with the Devil himself that will leave you speechless.”

I’ve met the Devil. She’s not such a bad guy.

Mystery Godzilla, Occult Virgins, Pet Dinosaurs

Funko, fast becoming my favorite pop icon toy company, just released a Godzilla “mystery” box. Also called “mystery minis”, you get to see two Godzilla toy figures — regular and flaming (as in “on fire”), and one that’s not visible. Kinda neat. It’s like opening a peanut shell and wondering if you’ll get one of those allergy-triggering legumes (a peanut is part of the bean family), or some sort of invasive larvae that’ll grow to the size of your arm and eat the peanut butter sandwich that’s hanging from the end of it.

We already know there’s a bunch of different Godzillas: MechaGodzilla, Space Godzilla, JesusZilla (actually, he’s just the son), and those river-dancing all over what’s left of humanity in Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017): Godzilla Filius and the 300 meter-embiggened, Godzilla Earth. I don’t think Godzilla Earth could fit in even God’s toy box, so I’m thinkin’’ the mystery ‘monster‘ is Ghost Godzilla. Don’t know if he even exists, just though it sounded cool.

While you click away from this blog to go check out Funko.com (yes, you WILL be blown away), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies may or may not seem as cool as…Ghost Godzilla…

THE NIGHT OF THE VIRGIN (June 12, 2018)
“Javier Badola is a lonely young man who attends a New Years Eve party with the intention of losing his virginity. After midnight he finds himself alone and rejected until a middle-aged woman invites him back to her apartment. What promises to be an epic sexual debut turns into his worst nightmare when he discovers that the woman has a perverse occult agenda.”

Seriously? What guy doesn’t go out with the intent of losing his virginity — or at least re-imagineering it? And just so we’re clear, it just. ..doesn’t…matter if the woman has a perverse occult agenda. It’s super fun happy times for your swimsuit area, man! And if there are any “virgins” out there reading this, I’ll give you some advice via an old joke: “Sex is a lot like air — it’s no big deal until you’re not getting any.”

CANARIES (2018)
“In the style of Shaun Of The Dead, The Lost Boys and Attack the Block, Canaries is a funny, dark and action packed sci-fi horror comedy that pits a group of drunken friends on New Years Eve in a Welsh valley against an invasion task force of creepy time-traveling aliens. A kick-ass M.O.D agent, an insecure radio DJ and a kung fu master who owns the local B&B learn their new years resolution this year is simple: STAY ALIVE.”

Why do I have a sudden desire to move to a Welsh valley? I hear the residents are out of this world. P.S. I wanna be a kung fu master, but don’t wanna own a B&B. The things people do all over sheets — there’s the real horror story.

ZOMBIEPURA (2018)
“When a mysterious virus breaks out in an isolated army camp, a lazy reservist soldier and his tough commander must work together to survive, and learn what it means to be real soldiers.”

Wow, it’s like they don’t even try and come up with a new spin on zombies. Sounds like Gomer Pyle versus the Undead.

ADVENTURES OF A JURASSIC PET: CHAPTER 1 (2018)
“An adventurous teenager summons the courage to help a friendly dinosaur to escape from the clutches of a mad scientist that wants to use him for experimentations.”

I imagine the worst part about a pet dinosaur is cleaning the litter box.

Superhero Facial Hair, Alien Robots, Criminal Comets

My TV superhero watching guilty pleasures include Arrow, The Flash, Gotham, Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, Daredevil, The Punisher, Luke Cage, Iron Fist (just barely) and Jessica Jones. But it’s Supergirl on The CW that, while targeting young teen girls, is hilarious enough to keep me all giggly during its three seasons.

Favorite moments include Supergirl getting drunk (“I feel…float-y…but I’m not floating…”), excitedly meeting the President (original Wonder Woman star, Lynda Carter) for the first time: “Should I get a blow-out?”, Karaoke rapping (she’s actually not half bad, though rap music in general sucks red kryptonite) and eating glazed pastry after glazed pastry in a diner as her alter-ego, Kara Danvers. (Waitress: “How can you eat all this day after day and not gain a pound?” Kara/Supergirl: “I’m an alien.” Comedy gold, I tell you.

But in Season 3, several characters are getting costumes, specifically ex-Supergirl boyfriend Mon-El (he has a cape he uses as a wicked weapon) and apocalyptic nemesis/world killer Reign, whose costume looks like it’d be perfect for cosplay night at the Fetish Fortress in Chinatown, NY. Both are welcome upgrades, though not too crazy about Mon-El’s new hipster beard/mustache. Arrow being the exception to the rule, superheroes in general don’t look superhero-y with facial hair — just ask Superman and his universally-mocked, digitally-erased “Canadian scarf” in Justice League (2017).

While I go shopping for a new pair of britches I can use as a weapon, here are a few upcoming/just released horror/sci-fi and genre documentaries that may or may not give your fright level a smooth, close-shave…

KIN (August 31, 2018)
Kin, a pulse-pounding crime thriller with a sci-fi twist, is the story of an unexpected hero destined for greatness. Chased by a vengeful criminal, the feds and a gang of otherworldly soldiers, a recently released ex-con and his adopted younger brother are forced to go on the run with a weapon of mysterious origin as their only protection.

I bet the “weapon of mysterious origins” is a Super Soaker™ filled with pee pee. That should pretty much stop anybody, even otherworldly soldiers. In fact, I hear NASA is building up an arsenal of such weapons just in case Earth is invaded by extraterrestrials. I heard about that on the Internet, so it can’t possibly be wrong.

THE FLATWOODS MONSTER: A LEGACY OF FEAR (available now)
“This documentary that unlocks a decades-old mystery that included a government-ordered military examination of a purported alien crash-site, and multiple UFOs seen by countless residents of Braxton County, WV. In September of 1952 hundreds of people across the United States witnessed glowing objects streak across the skies over much of the Eastern Seaboard. One of the objects in question was seen to land on a hill near the small community of Flatwoods, West Virginia by a group of children. The children and two adults made a journey to the top of the hill to search for the object but instead found themselves face to face with a thirteen-foot tall mechanical monster.”

I’ve seen numerous TRUE documentaries about this “Beverly Spacebilly.” A moment-by-moment recounting of the story on Wikipedia™ tells that when the local sheriff showed up to investigate, he found “two elongated tracks” in the mud. We can only hope aliens, mechanical or otherwise, have enough sense to wipe their tentacles before tracking up a freshly-mopped UFO kitchen floor/deck.

 

STONE SEEKER (available now)
“Three soldiers descend into the caves beneath their city to find a fabled stone with powers.”

And there they find members of the Rolling Stones. (Stones with powers — get it? Why I’m not on Comedy Central™ continues to baffle me.)

GARLIC AND GUNPOWDER (available now)
“A comet is on track to destroy the planet — or not, depending on who you talk to. The world’s top 1% aren’t taking any chances and are planning on stashing their gold and valuables in vaults hidden deep in the mountains. A 300-pound female Mob Boss, a Chinese Mafia leader and a couple of Federal agents all have competing plans to pull off what could be the final heist of existence.”

They’re right — the guy selling tainted Romaine lettuce in the grocery store insists a comet will wipe our butts clean. Then there’s the bus stop lady who never gets on the bus who claims the end-of-the-world produce guy is full of E.coli. Either way, the criminals — and I can’t believe I’m saying this — are smart to invest their ill-gotten gains in mountain vaults. Just to be safe, they should tell me where its hidden, so I can help them re-find it if and when the comet comes to cash us out.

Consensual Alien Abduction, Ghost Houses, Super Brains

Came across an irresistible click-bait headline on AmericanUpbeat.com: “How To Get Abducted By Aliens.” Well, dang times 10 — who wouldn’t want a guide to making new space friends?

In the article, written by Erin — someone with only a first name (apparently her last name fell victim to probing) — it states in order to get adducted, you need to have certain  “preferred” qualities that appeal to “picky” extraterrestrials. 

From the article: “There are ways to make yourself more marketable to aliens. They prefer certain traits. Aliens prefer humans with certain cultural value, such as poets, video gamers, or smokers. There are also some occupations that they prefer as well, but it varies a lot.”

Crud. I’m not a poet (though I never pass up a chance to rhyme “art” with “fart”), I don’t play video games, nor do I smoke — healthy cigarettes or gateway pot. (Disclaimer — I just now found out cigarettes are NOT healthy. Could’ve fooled me — they look a lot like candy cigarettes, which are yummy, though really hard to keep lit.

So while we’re all waiting for the next Intergalactic Probe Party (Crisco™ optional), here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi and genre documentaries that may or may not make you clench…

UFO CHRONICLES: THE ALIENS ARRIVE (available now)
“Dr. Michael E. Salla explores the socio political ramifications of extraterrestrial life on planet Earth. Learn about the diversity of alien species currently visiting us, the role of the ‘greys’, the agenda of the industrial military complex, ET technology dissemination and more.”

Juts like an academic to over-think things. Yes, aliens have been visiting us for decades. No, it hasn’t altered any socio politics, other than selling enough T-shirts to fill Uranus. (Man, I never get tired of that joke. It seems so….socio political.)

PRODIGY (available now)
“A secret branch of the military calls upon psychologist James Fonda to take the case of a dangerous patient, nine-year-old Ellie. As their session begins, the young girl dissects Dr. Fonda’s unconventional methods, revealing her genius-level intellect. Only by challenging her to a battle of wits does Fonda begin to unravel the supernatural mystery surrounding Ellie — a deadly secret that threatens to destroy them both.”

I liked it better when it was called Morgan (2016). In that one, Morgan, the genius-level young gal being experimented on, stabs one of the doctors in the eye with a fork meant for, say, mac and cheese or a nice dinner salad with balsamic dressing. But no croûtons. Those things belong in salads like marbles belong in gumball machines.

GHOSTLAND (April 2018)
“A mother of two inherits a home from her Aunt. On the first night in the new home she is confronted with murderous intruders and fights for her daughters’ lives. When the girls suffer this terrible childhood trauma, their disparate personalities diverge even further. One becomes a famous horror author, with a perfect family and life in Los Angeles, while the other can’t cope, and loses her mind. The movie takes place 16 years later when the daughters reunite at the house, and that’s when things get strange…”

Children are so fragile these days. Why, back in my youth, whenever murderous intruders broke into my house, I’d stab ‘em in the eyes with my oatmeal spoon. My folks brought me up right. This, by the way, became the framework for the hit home invasion movie, Home Alone (1990). True story. And I didn’t get a cent of royalties. But hey, I didn’t let it wreck my adulthood — I’m pretty good at doing that on my own — with or without my trusty oatmeal spoon.

REVENGE (May 11, 2018)
“Jen is enjoying a romantic getaway with her wealthy boyfriend which is suddenly disrupted when his sleazy friends arrive for an unannounced hunting trip. Tension mounts in the house until the situation abruptly –– and viciously –– intensifies, culminating in a shocking act that leaves Jen left for dead. Unfortunately for her assailants, Jen survives and reemerges with a relentless, wrathful intent: revenge.”

This one obviously takes its lead from 1978’s I Spit On Your Grave (not to be confused with the restaurant horror movie, I Spit On Your Gravy.) In ISOYG, a young gal is gang raped, but later comes back to get revenge on all those peckers. The bathtub scene will mess you up to the point where you’ll probably never bathe again. Which is why to stay antiseptic fresh, I order moist towelettes by the case from Amazon.com™. Free shipping if you have an Amazon Prime™ account.

Geez, my brain is all over the map today.

The UFO That Wasn’t There

Color me clueless, but shouldn’t a movie about UFOs actually have a UFO in it? In the saucer-less UFO: Target Earth (1974), an electronics expert has been receiving signals from what he believes to be a UFO in a nearby lake. It’s a UFO, all right — Unidentified Floating Object. Heh.

Consulting with a University professor who tells him UFOs are as valid as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny (what a holiday blocker), the electro-dude nevertheless pursues the alien spacecraft. He didn’t find it because THERE WASN’T ONE in the whole movie.

I don’t know who feels more stupid, him or me.

An Even Bigger Godzilla, Evil Ghosts, Sex With Aliens

Bloody-Disgusting.com recently posted the above Godzilla size comparison chart, and it shows just how much bigger G-Man is in Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017), the hit Japanese anime movie released in November.

In the movie, Godzilla is just shy of 1,000 feet tall. The original 1954 Godzilla is 164 feet tall, about the size of the 2017 Godzilla’s leavings. I’d wager no matter what matter passes through his intestinal tract, everything comes out shaped like him. That seems painful. But hey, after decades of being blasted with heavy artillery, Godzilla can take it.

And speaking of recycled extreme burritos, here are a few now-available-for-streaming horror and sci-fi that may or may not have you leaving a Godzilla-sized offering in the ‘ol porcelain charity collection bowl…

ZOMBIES HAVE FALLEN (available now)
“A young woman who possesses the supernatural powers and visions of an upcoming apocalypse is aided by a retired bounty hunter who must protect her from those who wish to use her abilities for evil.”

You don’t need supernatural powers to have visions of all the upcoming apocalypses — that’s what beer and politicians are for.

LOVE & SAUCERS (available now)
“David Huggins lost his virginity to an alien woman — among 100 other E.T. encounters — and chronicled it all in surreal paintings, few of which have ever been seen. This documentary is his story.”

The now-72-years-old Mr. Huggins goes on public record to let everyone know he gave his flower to an alien gal with big boobs when he was 17. Now, 55 years later, he paints pictures (suitable for framing) of this game-changing incident, as well as lots of other “experiences” with extraterrestrials. Let’s hope this movie isn’t rated G.

WAKE THE DEAD (available now)
“After a near death incident leaves Kristin scarred with a terrifying connection to the spirit world, her family attempts to break her free of an evil spirit’s hold.”

Seems kinda stock — evil spirits are so yesterday. Thinking out loud here, but wouldn’t the term “spirit world” be a cool name for a liquor store?

THE GARDEN (available now)
“Horror, euphoria, and madness ensue when Mask encounters a blind stranger with a television fixed to his arm. Dark, esoteric and unforgiving, The Garden subverts traditional narrative and challenges the viewer with intense audiovisual stimulation. Warning, this video may potentially trigger seizures for people with photosensitive epilepsy. Viewer discretion is advised.”

If I had a television hooked up to my arm, I’d never leave the house. As for the movie possibly triggering an epileptic event, that’s one heckuva disclaimer. Let’s hope it doesn’t give anyone a taste for seizure salads.