Archive for Tarzan

Enlarged Crocogator

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Great Alligator

There’s several things should know about 1979’s Italian-made The Great Alligator. First is that the alligator, while not quite great, is actually a crocodile. Secondly, the movie has been released by many nom de plumes, like Il fiume del grande caimano, Alligators, Caiman, Big Alligator River and The Big Caimano River. And third, the great CROCODILE has more body count credits to its resume than just about any other oversized marauding reptile this side of Godzilla. 

The Great Alligator

So stop me if you’ve heard this before: a rich entrepreneur is opening a tourist resort on a river-fed African lagoon. The subsequent tourists p*ss off the neighboring low-tech Kuma tribe that dresses up in leaves and backward, bamboo alligator head masks, and worships the island’s big boy croc that makes them consistently stain their leaves. A nighttime booze cruise with the tourists on Tarzan’s Raft (not making that up) and a relentless attack by “The Great God Kruna,” aka the title character. This “all you can eat buffet” has a quickly escalating scorecard: Croc: 46, tourists: zero.

The Great Alligator

A photo journalist and a supermodel (later kidnapped and tied to a bamboo barge as a sacrifice to Kruna) try to warn everyone, etc. No one listens until they become Cheese-Nips™ for the crocodile. (When he bites you underwater, you can hear the crunching sounds. That’s oddly satisfying.)

The Great Alligator

A missionary, who years earlier came to the island to force his religious beliefs on those godless natives, lives in a cave, fearful of leaving should he end up meeting their god instead. Beyond that, the ensuing  tourist slaughter rodeo is impressive if the plot is not: the tribe attacks the surviving tourists jumping off the flaming Tarzan Raft booze cruise and as yet not taken out of the win column by the crocodile. Bodies are shot with flaming arrows and spears, hung, stabbed, and pretty much made unable to get a vacation refund.

The Great Alligator

A bridge collapses. A van turns into a submarine. More regional burning arrows. Some dynamite, a wide open croc yap and a big ka-BOOM later, and it’s gator burgers for tonight’s luau. In all, despite the cheesy effects, The Great Alligator is a laughable, dubbed waste of time.

Turkish Dracula

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 27, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Drakula İstanbul’da

1953’s Drakula İstanbul’da — painstakingly translated to Dracula in Istanbul, paints the Prince of Darkness in humorless hues. (Actually, the movie is in black and white, but Dracula was/is a pretty colorful guy.) This Turkish Dracula is balding, has crayon tip fangs pointing opposite directions, and is only interested in real estate deals and juicing your neck.

Drakula İstanbul’da

Drakula İstanbul’da is a re-vamping (heh) of the 1928 novel Kazıklı Voyvoda (Impaler Voivode). And that book was a near photocopied translation of Bram Stoker’s novel that brought Dracula into the mainstream. Only difference is the Mina character is a stripper (um, I mean “showgirl”) and Dracula boot lick Renfield is nowhere to be found. (He’s probably in some basement eating the life force of bugs.)

Drakula İstanbul’da

Drakula is hungry and his feeding techniques look more like he’s leaning in to tell you a bawdy joke rather than a perforation. His target is two young ladies, one of whom has a mysterious secret: sleepwalking. Scary, but assured it’ll go away once she’s married. (Heard that doesn’t work with uncontrollable flatulence.)

Drakula İstanbul’da

Drakula is hunted down in a long and boring process (the only chills would be if you watched this in the Antarctica with the windows open), and dispatched with a medium rare stake through the heart as applied with a rock. Time to take down the anti-Drakula decorations — all garlic must go. “But I use it to cook with,” says Mina, who protests she won’t be able to make her eggplant recipe without it. (No person in their right mind would eat that crap anyway, so better to just move on to mac ’n cheese and give up this eggplant madness and schemes.)

Turkish Batman

Dracula isn’t the only intellectual property grave Istanbul has robbed. Superman, Flash Gordon, Zorro, Captain America, Batman, Tarzan, Satan and Spider-Man (as a green-suited criminal) have all been given a Turkish bath, and look like they were dressed in clothes their moms made them. Final note: You haven’t any idea of what Istanbul is all about until you’ve seen Turkish Batman cavort with ladies of burlesque.

Turkish Captain America

P.S. For some prime hardcore Turkish horror action, check out Baskin (2015), wherein four cops enter the foyer of Hell when they happen upon a Black Mass in an abandoned building. Hope you have a strong stomach. Otherwise it’s recycled eggplant time.

Baskin

Balding Sasquatch

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , on August 30, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Clawed: The legend of Sasquatch

The problem with movies about Bigfoot is that the monster always looks really dumb. The Sasquatch in the Jack Links Beef Jerky™ TV commercials looks way cooler than those used in low-rent films such as Clawed: The legend of Sasquatch (2005). Why not borrow the Jack Links™ Bigfoot and use him to rip people apart like beef jerky?

Clawed: The legend of Sasquatch

A bunch (four) of drunk, redneck poachers are attacked in the woods by Sasquatch, three of which get their guts ripped out. The surviving redneck (played by Miles O’Keeffe, that poser Tarzan in 1981), is p*ssed his friends are no longer around to drink beers with and to go four-wheelin’ and a’shootin’. So he rounds up three more redneck replacements to hunt down the “bear” that performed open-heart surgery on his bestest buddies.

Clawed: The legend of Sasquatch

Four high school students go camping in the very same woods on a homework assignment. The local sheriff has his hands full trying to keep people out of the woods and take care of the “bear” problem in time for tourist season. An Indian deputy (played by that Indian guy in Ginger Snaps III) knows the problem isn’t a bear, but Taku He (pronounced “talk-oooh-hey”), the mythical creature foretold in his culture’s instruction manual.

The racist rednecks don’t like the Indian and plan on shooting him and making it look like a hunting accident – right after that next case of beer. That they pass the time lighting their farts around a campfire means they’re just waiting for the right moment.

Clawed: The legend of Sasquatch

The students, though, are unknowingly caught in the middle, with Sasquatch throwing rocks (or “mountain stones”) at their tents to get them to leave so he can mangle the redneck’s red necks. When Sasquatch does appear, he looks like Trog’s uncle and is sporting a receding hairline. This is unusual as male pattern baldness is rare among missing links.

Clawed: The legend of Sasquatch

Building to a tedious climax, Sasquatch spares the kids, the deputy survives being shot, the rednecks all die, and the local news station airs the footage of Sasquatch taken by one of the students. Everyone thinks it’s a hoax. But WE know the truth – it was a bear dressed up as Sasquatch. Really, it’s the only logical explanation.