Archive for gorilla

Restored Zombies, Giant Animals, Predictable Slashers

Posted in Bigfoot, Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night of the Living Dead

If you’re not doing anything on February 13, 2018, you can buy Criterion’s 4k digital restoration of Night of the Living Dead. Yeah, we’ve all seen the movie a billion times. But this one comes with new snazzy features, like the never-before-seen 16mm dailies reel, new programs about the editing, the score, and directing ghouls and an essay by film critic Stuart Klawans. There’s lots more, but this is already starting to feel like a to-do list.

While we impatiently wait to see YET ANOTHER repackage of the same movie we’ve seen a billion times, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies you that you may or may not watch a billion times…

American Bigfoot

AMERICAN BIGFOOT (aka, Kampout/available now)
“Enraged by the murder of it’s offspring, a Bigfoot rampages through the countryside of Southeast Ohio. Detective Benson, Ranger Thomas and Bigfoot researcher Hank scramble to locate the legendary creature before it attacks a group of teenagers on a camping trip in an isolated place called Kampout.”

Of course Bigfoot’s an American. So much so, I’m surprised his fur isn’t red, brown and blue. And whoever killed the Bigkid, deserves to taste the business end of an American boot.

The Strangers: Prey At Night

THE STRANGERS: PREY AT NIGHT (March, 2018)
“A family’s road trip takes a dangerous turn when they arrive at a secluded mobile home park to stay with some relatives and find it mysteriously deserted. Under the cover of darkness, three masked psychopaths pay them a visit to test the family’s every limit as they struggle to survive.”

Second verse, same as the first. Surprised as to why it’s taken 10 years to barf up a sequel. Not surprised that all they did was move the location and slap a limp biscuit of a title on it.

Rampage

RAMPAGE (April 20, 2018)
“The first privately owned space station is destroyed by a mysterious experiment done on board. Three canisters from the crash land on Earth. One lands in the gorilla enclosure at the San Diego Zoo, the other in the plains of Wyoming and the last one in the Florida Everglades. The Griffin Technologies Group, headed by two siblings, tries to destroy any evidence of wrongdoing before the government finds out. It’s too late because the canisters have infected a gorilla named George, a wolf in Wyoming and an alligator. They start evolving and growing exponentially. To cover their tracks, the Griffin idiots decide to unleash a beacon that will make all three large animals head toward one destination: their head office located in the Willis Tower in Chicago.”

A giant gorilla, wolf and alligator. King Kong and Crocosaurus should sue for face infringement. As for the giant forest dog, good luck finding a proportional fire hydrant.

Fantastic Beats: The Crimes of Grindelwald

FANTASTIC BEASTS: THE CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD (November 16, 2018)
Grindelwald had escaped from the Wizard Cops and is preparing to build up his evil army. Young Dumbledore will enlist his favorite student, Newt, to help fight said army. Tragic and powerful Credence has possibly been turned to the dark side, though he seemed pretty annoyed when Grindelwald betrayed him.”

Another money-printing Harry Potter prequel. Too bad the press release just spoiled it by telling us Grindelwald got away from the Wizard Cops. I wanted to be the one to do it.

King Kong, Godzilla, Dinosaur Floaties

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bonejangles

Been following the development of the remake of King Kong vs. Godzilla (the first ppv match-up — aka “The Gorilla in Manila” — went down in 1962.) No pun intended, but there’s a HUGE logistic the filmmakers need to deal with: King Kong was 100 feet tall in Kong: Skull Island (2017), the biggest he’s ever been. However, in 2016’s Shin Godzilla (aka, Godzilla: Resurgence), the king of monsters shook, rattled and rolled skyscrapers at 387 feet. You see where I’m going with this.

So by pitting Kong against Godzilla in 2020 (projected), they’re either going to have to make the monkey four times his current stature, or shrink Godzilla down 287 feet. As science tells us, you don’t/can’t/shouldn’t make Godzilla smaller. (In King Kong vs. Godzilla they were both about the same height: 164 feet tall, give or take a few chimneys.)

A few unsolicited options: #1: Make four Kongs and stack ’em. #2: Have Godzilla stuck halfway down some sort of quicksand pit or really deep hot tub. #3: Monkey foot-shaped platform shoes. I could keep this up all day.

Speaking of glaring discrepancies, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that’ll either make sense or they won’t…

BONEJANGLES (July 18, 2017)
“While transporting the legendary serial killer Bonejangles to an asylum, a group of police officers break down in a town cursed with demonic zombies. The only way they can survive the night and save the town is to release Bonejangles to help them fight the curse, with something much worse.”

Not to be confused with the Bonejangles from 2005’s Corpse Bride (He sang/sings at the Ball and Socket Pub.) Hard, though, to take a serial killer who names himself Bonejangles seriously. Come back to me with something like Knifey McCutter and we’ll talk.

Suspiria

SUSPIRIA (2017/2018)
Susie Bannion, a young American woman, travels to the prestigious Markos Tanz Company in Berlin in 1977, arriving just as one of its members, Patricia, has disappeared under mysterious circumstances. As Susie makes extraordinary progress under the guidance of Madame Blanc, the Company’s revolutionary artistic director, she befriends another dancer, Sara, who shares her suspicions that the Matrons, and the Company itself, may be harboring a dark and menacing secret.”

Yep, YET ANOTHER remake, the first one making its same name back in 1977. It was Italian, so if you plan on watching it, plan on reading it as well. Unless you’re Italian. If so, go nuts.

Mab

MAB (2017)
Rosie and her mother, Kris struggle to make ends meet. Their only source of income comes from the daily delivery Rosie makes to the mysterious Mab. But what are these deliveries and what impact will this have on their lives of those around them? A magical realism short that uncovers the sacrifices people make to take control of their lives and the evil that lurks in the darkness of desperation.”

A smattering of research reveals that Mab is one of the moons of Uranus and/or a fairy in Shakespeare’s play Romeo and Juliet. Or it could mean “multi-armed bandit.” (A reference to a criminal octopus, perhaps?) However you cast it, this one’s gonna be a rough sell to Mab Darogan, a figure of Welsh legend.

Jurassic World — Fallen Kingdom

JURASSIC WORLD – FALLEN KINGDOM (June 22, 2018)
“With all of the wonder, adventure and thrills synonymous with one of the most popular and successful franchises in cinema history, this all-new motion-picture event sees the return of favorite characters and dinosaurs along with new breeds more awe-inspiring and terrifying than ever before.”

The first official poster for the Flintstones of the Future. So yeah, more unleashed dinosaurs. Have to say, I did like the Mosasaurus, that badass swimming pool dinosaur in Jurassic World (2015). The pool rules were simple: you cannonball in and you don’t cannonball out.

King Kong’s Illegitimate Step-Brother

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

A.P.E.

There were/are a lot of titles for the 1976 South Korean King Kong rip-off, A.P.E. (I think that stands for “A Primate Enlarged.”) There’s Super Ape, King Kong Returns, King Kong eui daeyeokseup, The Great Counterattack of King-Kong, Attack of the Giant Horny Gorilla, and Hideous Mutant. I get horny gorilla, but hideous mutant? It’s a 36-foot monkey, not a result of in-breeding. Then again…

A.P.E.

Speaking of gone wrong, A.P.E. is right in the wheelhouse of campy z-grade, starting with the gorilla busting out of his Uber oil tanker, then, in the middle of the ocean (which appears to be only waist deep) battles a shark and rips it in two after much hammy splashing.

A.P.E.

The not-Kong makes it to shore and goes on a stomping spree. The military has a hard time believing the frantic calls about the brute busting a move as well as buildings. Meanwhile, Ape fights off a giant snake, kids in the park and someone out for a relaxing hang glide.

A.P.E.

Nearby a movie actress, whose boyfriend kisses her like a Grouper fish swallowing a smaller Grouper fish, is doing a forced-into-sex scene. Ape goes ape for the gal, hunts her down (grabbing her during a puppet show — don’t ask), and the rest of the movie is one long headfirst plunge down the silly slide.

A.P.E.

Not surprisingly the movie studio behind this a.r.t. was sued for big bananas due to its similarity to the also goofy King Kong remake, released in 1976 as well. But this one had Ape flipping off the military during a failed attack. Didn’t even see so much as an “up your nose with a rubber hose” in the Dino De Laurentiis version.

Bigfoot’s Girlfriend

Posted in Bigfoot, Fantasy, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tanya's Island

Tanya is a big city supermodel whose artist boyfriend has hair-trigger anger issues. He wants her to go away. She doesn’t want to go away. Instead, she fantasizes about the two of them on a deserted island, where clothes have no meaning and there are bananas everywhere, some even for eating.

Tanya's Island

While exploring the island, Tanya happens across a grotto that serves as a rent-free apartment for Blue, a lonely Bigfoot (or “island gorilla”) with more bananas than he could hope for. (Intermission: Tanya names him Blue because the ape’s eyes are that color. “Grotto” would be a better name for a gorilla. Just sayin’.)

Tanya's Island

Tanya develops a friendship with Blue, which taps into the jealous rage anger of Lobo, her mood swingin’ boyfriend. His temper is as bad as his name, which seems like it would be more suitable on a can of chewing tobacco. He sees the odd couple beauty and beastin’ it without him, so he traps Blue in a remarkably sturdy bamboo cage (i.e., island jail). What follows is a series of LOL moments punctuated by Tanya’s liberal nudity.

Tanya's Island

Lobo war paints his face, goes all Rambo crazy, and he and Blue get into a prolonged dust up, fighting for Tanya’s bounty. Blue manages to imprison Lobo in his own cell and makes off with Tanya, who by now is fed up with both her boyfriends’ behavior. She tells Lobo, “Go away, I don’t want to be with either of you,” like being in a relationship with a gorilla was an option. Blue responds by chasing her through the jungle. He must’ve tripped, because he fell right on top of her bare bottom and seemed to get stuck there. Gee, I hope he’s okay.

Tanya's Island

All this fun, and yet the best moment is was watching Tanya in waist deep water trying to catch fish with a bow and arrow. Tanya, btw, is Vanity, who later became Prince’s girlfriend. Too bad the monkey didn’t learn how to play guitar.

Tanya's Island

P.S. You can find the horror-esque fantasy Tanya’s Island (uncensored) on YouTube™.  I’m not promising I won’t tell your mom of your perverse viewing habits.

California Kong

Posted in Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 9, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mighty Joe Young

Mighty Joe Young (1998) is a somewhat believable-sized version of King Kong (1933). King Kong is a great name. Who the heck names their pet gorilla “Joe”? Why not Lord Awesome or Kool Mo’Key? You animal lovers need to get a clue.

Mighty Joe Young

Joe Young, who I hear is mighty, is a 15-foot gorilla in love with hottie Charlize Theron. She thinks Joe’s her best friend. He keeps wondering in thought monkey-speak if she’ll split like a hot pineapple should they decide to “consummate” their best friendness.

Mighty Joe Young

Poachers want to kill Joe for his abundant value. An Eco-concerned animal lover wants Joe to be moved from his crib in Africa to a licensed animal sanctuary in Los Angeles (I thought L.A. was an animal sanctuary). Joe goes because hey, he’s in love. But not before a big chase scene with guns aimed at this “how can you miss?” target.

Mighty Joe Young

While in California, an amusement park Ferris Wheel catches on fire and there’s a screaming kid stuck at the top. Time to burn fur. Joe rescues the brat and is the hero, hooray, throw a parade.

Mighty Joe Young

This is a re-telling of 1949’s Mighty Joe Young, but not sure what the fuss is. A big dumb ape being led around by the nose by a hot blonde? Walk into any bar and you’ll see at least 10 of ’em.

Bang A Kong

Posted in Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 7, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

King of Kong Island

Word of warning before you run low on brain juice and think watching King of Kong Island (1968) is a good idea: The “king” part is in reference to a overloaded-on-brain-juice mad scientist who operates on gorillas and implants radio transmitters in their heads, presumably to create a legion of monkey butlers. Secondly…THERE IS NO ISLAND!

King of Kong Island

So yeah, misleading as all get out. What this Italian made “horror” movie is turns out to be a slow-moving mess of people spontaneously shooting each other so many times, there’s hardly anyone left by the time it ends.

Kong: Skull Island

What King of Kong Island has (that they barely used) is a 97% naked ape woman (feral kid raised by gorillas), wearing only a loin cloth and long black hair that annoyingly sticks to her boobular area. And she has a Pepsodent™ smile so white, her teeth glow in the direct Nairobi (where this film really was) sunlight. Maybe bananas are natural tooth whiteners. Better go buy some. Bananas come from Nairobi, yes?

Kong: Skull Island

A wasteful way to while away the time until Kong: Skull Island comes out in March, 2017. That one has a real island and a real Kong, that mythic monkey monster in a big-budget/big screen reboot. Just the trailer alone is so awesome, the movie studio should be charging us to watch it.

Haunted Country Music

Posted in Classic Horror, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hillbillys in a Haunted HouseHillbillys in a Haunted House (1967). Sounds like a reality TV show. It certainly has all the ingredients: country singers, a haunted house, a gorilla, a supermodel, international spies and Merle Haggard. (Not making that up.) Heck, this thing would pair nicely with The Real Housewives of Melbourne and Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood.

Hillbillys in a Haunted House

Three country singers – one of which is the camera-ready Joi Lansing – are on the way to Nashville, home of white shoe wearing music legends and good ’ol boy alcoholics. (State law – you have to be drunk all the time in Nashville.)

Hillbillys in a Haunted House

Car trouble forces the trio to spend the night in an abandoned house with no amenities, except for a TV and nourishment (electricity) to power it. These troubadour squatters don’t know it, but in the basement is a ring of spies trying to get their lips around a top-secret formula for rocket fuel (geez, guys – it’s right on the label of a bottle of Jagermeister™), all of which is made even more entertaining with an unruly gorilla hanging around.

Hillbillys in a Haunted House

However, this “horror” music comedy is distinguished by music interludes done by Joi and Ferlin Husky (great name – the red-headed country/rockabilly/pop legend behind the classic Champagne Ladies And Blue Ribbon Babies/1974), and footage on the tube of a clean Merle Haggard before he met Jack Daniels™ and made and endless stream of immortal duets.

Hillbillys in a Haunted House

Numerous knuckle-headed comedy segments with horror legends John Carradine, Lon Chaney Jr. and Basil Rathbone. But it’s the last 15 minutes that rocks the haunted house with music performances by Merle (iconic icon), Sonny James (20 Number One country hits) and Country Music Hall of Fame’r Ferlin, sportin’ red hair, white shoes and a tight Chicago Boxcar Boston Back hairdoo. (You can get ahead with a style like that.)

Hillbillys in Las Vegas

P.S. Hillbillys in a Haunted House is the sequel to Las Vegas Hillbillys (1966). Didn’t see that one as I was informed it didn’t have gorillas playing slot machines while Frank, Dean and Sammy drank rocket fuel and embarked on madcap adventures.