Monster Auction, Pharmaceutical Felines, Terrible Whales

Got a few hundred thousand spare bitcoin laying around? Then you might wanna head over to PropstoreAuction and get your fan freak on at all the cool movie memorabilia going up for grabs in Los Angeles, June 28 — 30, 2023. And you can preorder the auction catalog for a wallet-stopping $60 to see all the horror/sci-fi/fantasy movie props going up on the auction chopping block. (click here)

Want the evil clown doll from Poltergeist (1982)? It’s expected to bid out between $200,000 to $400,000. Carrie Fisher’s Princess Leia dress from the original Star Wars movies and the Batpod used by Christian Bale in The Dark Knight (2008)? Yeah, projected to fetch around $2,000,000 each. Need Harry Potter’s distressed costume with glasses from 2002’s Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets? Expensive, but you do need a new enchanted bathrobe, yes?

Other props include Jason Voorhees’ hockey mask from Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988), Thor’s cracked Mjolnir hammer used by both Natalie Portman and Chris Hemsworth in 2022’s Thor: Love and Thunder, one of Harrison Ford’s costumes from Blade Runner (1982), and that super scary spider head from John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982).

From PropstoreAuction’s website: “Propstore is holding a preview exhibition at its office facility in Valencia, CA by appointment from May 29 to June 20. The exhibition will feature over 80 lots, giving fans and hopeful bidders the chance to see props and costumes from the auction up close and ask questions to the specialists.” Click here for more info than I have time to include.

So while we all fantasize about driving the Batpod to the store while wearing Princess Lei’s dress and Jason’s hockey mask, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as super scary as a spider head…

COCAINE COUGAR / Out now (DVD/Blu-ray), Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A cougar high on cocaine escapes an animal testing facility and wrecks havoc on Los Angeles.”

Cougars in L.A. doing cocaine? When haven’t they? 

MOTHER, MAY I? / July 21, 2023 (VOD)

“Emmett wants to clean and flip his recently deceased mother’s house: get in, get out, and avoid any trauma still lingering from when she abandoned him as a young child. Anya, his fiancé, see’s this as an opportunity to finally force Emmett to deal with his trauma because she believes it is preventing him from being the partner she needs. So she convinces him to take mushrooms to get him to let go. But something strange happens while they’re tripping: she starts behaving like his mother. The next morning he wakes up sober, but she still won’t drop the act. Anya loves playing games — is this her taking it too far? Or did his mother’s spirit somehow possess her?”

This is what happens when you take drugs. Stick to beer and stay out of trouble. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

WHALE GOD / Release pending 2023 (VOD/DVD/Blu-ray™)

“Once a year, the quiet fishing village of Wadaura in Southern Japan is in a turmoil. The whalers have always concentrated their efforts to try and catch a Killer Whale which is easily twice as large as an ordinary leviathan, and passes by in the offing at the same time every year. Shaki, whose grandfather, father, and elder brother were all victims of the Killer Whale, is determined to kill it. As an inducement, the headman of the village promises to give his only daughter and all his possessions to anyone who succeeds in disposing of the terrible whale.”

This one came out in Japan in 1962 marketed under the generic title, Killer Whale. Now, six decades later, we’re finally gonna be able to see this lost Kaiju movie, with the title amphibian being a practical special effect and, get this, built to scale! Watch the trailer on YouTube™ to see how b*tchin’ cool this Orcinus orca is.

THE MOVERS / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A close-knit family who moves into a seemingly charming neighborhood, only to discover all is not what it appears. As they face persistent threats, the family begins to question their reality and the world around them. It’s a nightmarish universe of deceiving angels and compassionate demons, lost souls desperately seeking a way out.”

I live in a seemingly charming neighborhood as well, and it has a deceiving angel (me) and compassionate demons (Amazon™ delivery people). 

Paranormal Polygon, Tree Monsters, God Gun

According to theologians, the Bermuda Triangle, also known as the Devil’s Triangle, is a region in the western part of the North Atlantic Ocean where more than 50 ships and 20 airplanes are said to have mysteriously disappeared. Reasons range from Stargates to Aliens, giant sea monsters to religion gone wild. But now, according to Australian scientist Karl Kruszelnicki, we can all now stop making waves: The loss and disappearance of ships and planes is a mere fact of probabilities. And we should believe an Australian scientist. After all, they invented kangaroos.

In a myth-crushing article recently published on PopularMechanics.com, Kruszelnicki says, “the sheer volume of traffic — in a tricky area to navigate, no less — shows the number of ships and planes that go missing in the Bermuda Triangle is the same as anywhere in the world on a percentage basis.” He says that both Lloyd’s of London™ — the world’s leading insurance market — and the U.S. Coast Guard support that idea. (Note of interest: Lloyd’s of London™ has had this same theory since the 1970s.)

Fairly unremarkable given how many movies/documentaries were made about the paranormal polygon. Should you be predisposed to swim down this path, here are a few recommendations: Death Ship (1980), Triangle (2009), Bermuda Triangle Revealed: The Devil’s Graveyard (2014), and Drain The Bermuda Triangle (2014). 

While you’re deciding if you give a screaming theory or not about “science” and “facts”, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have kangaroos in ’em…

OUTPOST / May 19, 2023 (Theaters)

“After a violent attack, a woman searches for strength in the solitude of a lookout job the mountains of Northern Idaho, but is overwhelmed by something darker.”

Having a job as a lookout would be awesome. For one thing, you could prove beyond a shadow of a doubt if bears crap in the woods. Until now, it’s only been a topic of speculation.

POLLEN / June 6, 2023 (VOD)

“After a senior coworker assaults a bright-eyed young woman, her dream job becomes a living nightmare as she tries to keep her career together while being tormented at work, at home, and in her dreams by a mysterious tree monster.”

Tree monsters are the worst. Why can’t they more like the tree creatures (aka, Ents) in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)? It’d be fun to hang out with one of those guys. And if a Frisbee™ got stuck in its branches, he’d get it down for you. That is beyond cool. 

GOD IS A BULLET / June 23, 2023 (Theaters)

“Detective Bob Hightower finds his ex-wife murdered and his daughter kidnapped by an insidious cult. Bob takes matters into his own hands and infiltrates the secretive cult to try to save his daughter. With the help of the cult’s only female victim escapee, Case Hardin, Bob and Case go down the rabbit hole with The Ferryman to save his daughter and find closure for Case from the cult – and its maniacal leader — that took so much away from her.”

If God is the bullet, then is religion the gun?

DON’T GET IN THE CAR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In the dead of night in Los Angeles, a woman is forced to complete errands in a 1960s Lincoln Continental if she wants to survive the night and save the ones she loves.”

Remember when you were a kid and your mom always said to not get into a car driven by strangers? I have two words for that: Uber™ and Lyft™.

Teeth With Bite, Doctor Vampire, Sharp-Dressed Werewolf

One of the more unsettling features of Pennywise the Dancing Clown in the 2017 billion dollar hit horror movie IT —besides his remarkably groomed Sideshow Bob hair style, is his pre-eat-your-face-off teeth. Looking like he hasn’t sat in a dentist chair in decades, the wood-chipper choppers look like he could out bite a shark. And now you can have the same bladder-loosening bridgework with the It Pennywise Fang Teeth — for only $24.99. (Check to see if your dental insurance will cover it.)

Available on the OrientalTrading.com website, the monster molars are described like this: “Amazing IT Pennywise Fang Teeth come with upper and lower teeth and are made from soft flexible plastic. Includes: upper and lower teeth and are made from soft flexible plastic. Each set of teeth are meticulously painted to show all the horrible monstrous detail seen on the screen. Applying the teeth is easy, thanks to our Friendly Plastic Pellets that come with each set of teeth. Simply heat up the Friendly Plastic in hot water, position the Friendly Plastic into the teeth and fit them over your own teeth, making a custom fit. One size fits most adults.” There are so many disturbing things about that product description, I don’t know where to begin. Regardless, you can buy it here.

So while we buy a set and go around saying “cheese!” to everyone on the bus, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have any teeth. P.S. be true to your teeth — or they will be false to you…

MOTION DETECTED / May 19, 2023 (VOD)

“Eva narrowly escaped being murdered during a recent terrifying home invasion in Mexico City. She and her husband decide to relocate to Los Angeles where she can recuperate. But when her husband has to travel for business, she’s left alone in an unfamiliar place and suffering from paranoia. She’s consoled by the smart home security system, but the technology is difficult to master and she starts to wonder if it will actually keep her safe or take over her life.”

Smart Home tech is gonna be the death of us all. My Roomba™ keeps sucking up my car keys — on purpose. He hates me, I just know it.

FANGS OUT / May 23 (VOD)

“A group of college students head to Mexico for some cheap plastic surgery. There they meet Doctor Pavor, a creepy surgeon who is actually a vampire, harvesting victims for his blood cartel. Aided by his bloodthirsty nurses he systematically carries out his evil plan. When a detective looking for his missing daughter arrives, all hell breaks loose in a bloody combustible conclusion.”

College idiots trying to score cheap plastic surgery? The vampires are the least of their problems.

BONE COLD / June 13, 2023 (VOD, Blu-ray)

“After bad intel from headquarters results in a tragic civilian death, an elite sniper duo attempts to flee the area but can’t seem to shake a mysterious, inhuman creature stalking them from the shadows.

Judging from the art, it looks like these snipers are out in the snow, which means the inhuman creature stalking them is a trendy hipster wearing an L.L. Bean Norseland Insulated Parka™ (on sale for under $200).

SCREAM OF THE WOLF / June 13, 2023 (VOD)

“Making a vampire movie in an old, abandoned house should have been easy, but with the full moon, the nightmare begins. The body count rises as the cast and crew encounter the mansion’s resident werewolf and by daylight only the lucky will survive.”

Scream of the Wolf is also the name of the 1974 made-for-TV “movie”, wherein the werewolf, in human form, wears a green corduroy jacket with a pleated white turtle neck sweater. Stylish in any decade. P.S. This was originally titled, Wolf Manor, which I previewed in November of 2022. At least I think I did — I can’t remember last year…or what I drank for breakfast, for that matter.

Exhibitionist Horror, Circus Superheroes, Polar Roid-Rage

If there was ever a reason to move to Los Angeles, Burbank’s Mystic Museum is premiering Y2Kills: A Horror Immersive Experience, a tribute to horror of the 2000s. Lots to celebrate here; this was the decade that gave us horror gems like Let The Right One In (2008), The Host (2006), Shaun of the Dead (2004), Paranormal Activity (2007), Dog Soldiers (2002), Cloverfield (2008), Dead Snow (2009), and more than I have space to laundry list here.

From Mystic Museum’s press release: “Y2Kills is a horror immersive experience that highlights the best horror has to offer through the lens of the first decade of the ‘00s. Featuring props, commissioned art pieces, photo opportunities, and everything from collectible art pieces to retro disposable cameras — Y2Kills will offer guests a horrific slice of Millennium nostalgia they won’t forget! The exhibit will also feature items from the private collections of Eli Roth (Hostels Part I & II), Michael Dougherty (Trick ‘r Treat, Krampus) — and an original soundtrack by composer Douglas Pipes (Trick ‘r Treat, Krampus).

Y2Kills opens April 15, 2023 at the Mystic Museum (3204 W Magnolia Blvd., Burbank, CA). Fangoria™ describes the Mystic Museum as “a must-see place for horror fans and freaks alike. Founded in 2013, the Museum has blessed horror fans with a whole range of immersive exhibits ranging from officially licensed (like the awesome The Evil Dead: An Immersive Experience, for one) to their own creations (the amazing Slashback Video, an homage to old-school video stores). $16 dollar admission tickets can be snapped up here. 

So while we all rent a LimeBike™ and head to Los Angeles where there is never any parking (you can leave the bike on any sidewalk for free), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be an immersive experience…

RIPPER’S REVENGE / April 11, 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“One year on from the notorious ‘Jack The Ripper’ murders, the killings have stopped, but the identity of the killer remains a mystery. Down-at-heel newspaper reporter Sebastian Stubb has moved on to reporting on other scandals, but when a new ‘Ripper’ letter appears on his desk and the killings start again, he unwittingly finds himself at the center of a new mystery. Has the ‘Ripper’ returned, or is it a copycat killer? Or something else entirely?”

Jack The Ripper shouldn’t be that hard to find. Just look for someone with expertly torn britches. It’s how he got his name. Maybe he should team up with Jack The Stitcher.

SHIN KAMEN RIDER / Release pending 2023 (VOD, DVD)

“College student and motorcycle enthusiast Takeshi Hongo is abducted by the evil organization S.H.O.C.K.E.R. and converted into a cyborg as part of their plans for world domination. Before they can brainwash him to do their bidding, he escapes and uses his new enhanced abilities as Kamen Rider to wage a one-man war against S.H.O.C.K.E.R.”

I thought Shin Kamen Rider was a sodium-heavy cup of noodles (just add hot water and the chemically-flavored spice packet. But turns out Shin Kamen Rider is a Japanese tokusatsu superhero fantasy film based on the character from the TV series/spin-offs. I hope this movie is as tasty as those sodium-heavy cups of noodles.

FREAKS VS. THE REICH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Looking to flee the Nazi menace for the shores of America are four super-powered circus performers: there’s beautiful, young, electrically-charged Matilde, Cencio, an albino with the ability to control insects, Mario, a dwarf graced with magnetic powers, and Fulvio, a strongman covered from head to toe with hair. On their heels is the psychotic Franz, an ether-addicted, six-fingered Nazi who runs the nearby circus and believes that the supernaturally gifted quartet will help him turn the tide of the war, delivering the ultimate victory for Hitler and the Reich. Will the ‘freaks’ be able to escape the grasp of the brutal Nazis or will their incredible powers be harnessed in a way that could change both their destinies and the entire course of history forever?”

Marvel™ should forget about trying to get the Fantastic Four to work (four box office flops and two tepid seasons as a TV series); these four super-powered circus performers — with magnets, electricity, bugs and hippie hair — are a clear choice to replace the Fantastic Fail.

PAWS / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Young scientist Nook is on board a research ship in the Arctic. Reformed oil billionaire Fox is funding the crews’ efforts to fight climate change. Just when Nook learns that Fox’s interest is not so much in saving the planet but exploring and claiming fresh oil fields, their ship crashes. The crew search an abandoned Russian ghost-ship looking for a radio, but uncover a horrific threat: Inside the rusty trawler a monstrous polar bear mother has been trapped with her cub. Not only will the animal defend her nest but has grown very hungry and will seize the opportunity to feed on the survivors.”

They had me at feed on the survivors.

Zombie Skin Care, Oceans of Terror, Hippie Horror

If your goal is to look like a zombie AND years younger, but don’t wanna go through the slight discomfort of being bitten by a zombie or those excruciatingly painful Botox™ injections, just click on over to Amazon.com™ and get yourself a Zombie Pack™ and start being the you that you wanna be.

The Zombie Pack from Skin 1004 one-step skin-tightening mask uses a aloe and egg albumen to tighten, brighten and moisturize your face. And it’s on sale for $17 — normally $90. That’s a face-chewing $73 savings! So where does the zombie part come in? From their sales pitch: “It comes in a powder and you mix it with a liquid that activates the mask. You then brush it onto your skin and let it do its work for fifteen minutes. It dries and cracks, but because it’s clear, you start to look like a zombie. Then just wash it off with warm water to reveal tight, glowing skin.” (Rush to buy it here).

I don’t know about you, but I could care less about having tight, glowing skin. I’d put it on and let it dry and party-up my face. Then I’d go to the store or attend a myriad of social opportunities. So while I’m doing that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you feeling dry and cracked…

LAST SENTINEL / March 24, 2023 (VOD)

Set in the near future, unchecked and rampant climate change has caused temperatures and sea levels to rise catastrophically. Only two large continents remain and billions died during the mass migration to these higher lands. Surrounded by an endless ocean and thousands of miles from home, a skeleton crew of soldiers stand as the last bastion, defending their homeland from an invasion by an enemy they have never seen, monitoring for signs of attack and prepared to sacrifice themselves for the cause. Their tour of duty ended three months ago with no relief in sight. Alone and uncertain as to what fate awaits them, the simmering tension amongst the crew escalates when a mysterious boat drifts into range – is it the help they have been waiting for, or something far more sinister?”

Wonder if that mysterious boat is the S.S. Minnow, carrying two old people, one smart guy, two hot chicks and two sailors who “bunk” together? If it is, and you’re looking to be rescued, put down the flare gun and look at other options.

DARK ENTITIES / April 14, 2023 (VOD)

“Following a tragic accident in 1977, the three Winters siblings move into the mysterious home they inherited. They soon discover the house holds dark secrets that seek to threaten everything they hold dear.”

Suspiciously, Motörhead’s debut album came out that very same year. Two words: cause and causality.

THE ANCESTRAL / Release pending 2023 (Screambox™)

“After suffering a family tragedy, a widower moves his two daughters to a centuries-old ancestral home. When both daughters fall prey to sleep paralysis and night terrors, their father seeks the help of a local psychologist. These chilling secrets and frightening visions eventually prove that not everything is what it seems in the old family house.”

The Ancestral had a theatrical release in Vietnam last year. I’ll have to do more intense research to find out what year that was. As for sleep paralysis and night terrors, is there a Tug Tavern in Vietnam?

TRIM SEASON /Release Pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of diverse twenty-somethings from Los Angeles as they head up the coast to make quick cash trimming marijuana on a secluded farm in Northern California. Cut off from the rest of the world, they soon realize that the estate is harboring darker secrets than any of them could imagine, as they race against time to escape the dense woods with their lives.”

We can only hope the dark secret is undercover DEA agents looking to put the law boot down hard on entry-level hippies.

Groovy Vampire, Goodwill Evil, Plush Shark

In 1972, the deliciously cheesy vampire classic Blacula was released to mixed reviews, but went on to become one of the top-grossing movies of that year, and was followed by Scream Blacula Scream in 1973. Mind you, top-grossing in those days meant it made enough to cover the film’s budget without ending up in gas station discount VHS bins. (That’s where I bought my copy.) In the genre-busting movie, African prince Mamuwalde was turned into a vampire in 1780 and locked in a coffin by that mean Count Dracula fellow. This is because Drac refused to help Mamuwalde help suppress the slave trade. Meet the old boss, same as the new boss.

But now, over 50 years later, Blacula is backula as the star of his own graphic novel: Blacula: Return of the King. Written by Rodney Barnes and illustrated by Jason Shawn Alexander, the $19.99/128 page book ( releasing January 31, 2023/Zombie Love Studios™) resurrects the soul-sucking vampire and to right a few wrongs. From the press release: “The book is an adaptation and expansion of the classic 1972 blaxploitation film that brings it to the modern day, pushing boundaries with its contemporary setting for the film’s characters.”

“Los Angeles – the City of Angels. Two souls, one is looking for vengeance and one is looking for the truth. They share one thing in common, they are both searching for the legendary vampire Blacula. Tina Thomas is a reporter for the blog Dark Knights, which chronicles all things unnatural, uneasy, and undead. She meets a young man named Kross whose family was forever changed by the vampire. Kross asks Tina to help him kill Blacula. Blacula, too, is on a mission — he’s searching for the one who forever changed his life centuries ago — Count Dracula.”

While you preorder Blacula: Return of the King (Amazon™/Barnes & Noble™) and scour eBay™, the equivalent of a gas station discount VHS bin, to get a copy of the original Blacula ($7.90 — $29.99) here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as stylishly groovy as a black vampire… 

SHE CAME FROM THE WOODS / February 10, 2023 (Limited/VOD)

“A group of counselors accidentally unleash an ancient evil spirit on the last night of a summer camp. As the situation turns bloody, the group is forced to confront what stories are worth telling and what secrets are worth keeping.”

Forget the woods…Always shop for ancient evil at Goodwill™ — great selection.

THE WELDER / February 24, 2023 (VOD)

“A Latina woman emotionally is scarred by her military service. Hoping to alleviate her stress, she embarks on a ranch vacation with her African American boyfriend. However, the couple’s relaxing weekend spirals into a nightmare of depravity and violence when they run afoul of a mad doctor bent on conducting macabre racial experiments.”

“Alleviating stress” and “mad doctor.” Sounds like a visit to my primary care physician. Which reminds me, I need to schedule an appointment. I haven’t been experimented on in a while.

DOLL SHARK / April 11, 2023 (DVD – SRS Cinema) 

“‘Sea Shark Swim’, the red hot online music video, is all the rage in children’s entertainment, setting records across social media and top streaming platforms. One of its biggest fans, a young boy named Kirby, receives a special gift from his dad, the famed shark hunter, Brock Banner – the doll from the show! However, Brock, thinking it would be a lucky charm, has hidden a tooth inside the toy from a shark he caught and killed. Soon the doll becomes possessed by the spirit of the evil sea beast! As the child spends a weekend with a nasty babysitter, the doll comes to life, feasting on bodies and wreaking havoc on the unsuspecting household.”

A stuffed shark stuffing itself with bodies. How could this possibly suck?

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: HONOR AMONG THIEVES / MARCH 31, 2023 (Theaters)

“A charming thief and a band of unlikely adventurers embark on an epic quest to retrieve a lost relic, but things go dangerously awry when they run afoul of the wrong people.”

A live action film of the popular board game first introduced in 1974. Never played it. I’m more of a 1975 kinda guy. 

Vampire Bridgework, Death Cloud, Zombie Block Party

“Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you,” goes the saying. And nowhere is that more true than with vampires and werewolves. Their trademark chompers are the tools of their trade, so it makes sense to keep them well-maintained. A bit easier to do for walruses, though — with their teeth outside their mouth, it makes brushing ’em way easier.

But if you’re not a vampire, werewolf or walrus, go to VampFangs.com and pick up a set of snap-on snappers that never need brushing or flossing. Unless you bite into a gristly neck/buttsteak. No tooth doctor needed as these things are easily attached and come in a wide range of carnassials to accommodate your particular death grin. VampFang offers everything from classic vampire to professional werewolf, as well as retractable, chrome metallic and glow in the dark versions. (Not recommended for the creature of the night trying to be stealthy.) And these monster molars are totally affordable, ranging in price from $17.99 to $39.99.

While we cancel our dentist appointment and get some of these deadly dentures, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not bite… 

CANNIBAL COMEDIAN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A psychopathic cannibal, fed up with his lack of ambition, tries his hand at stand-up comedy in an attempt to satisfy his appetite for normalcy.”

Fed up. Interesting choice of words. So where would a cannibal comedian perform? A logical guess would be a dinner club. Heh.

ALIEN STORM / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“Frank McConnelly is a loving father and husband, a brilliant business man, and a secret doomsday prepper. To celebrate taking his company public, Frank is putting on the party of the year in his Las Vegas mansion. During the party The President of the United States gives an address warning people to stay inside due to a strange weather pattern that is cutting off communications with major cities across the globe. Suddenly the power goes out as a massive fog bank moves in. In the ensuing chaos Frank escorts people down to safety of his bunker. Everyone is surprised to see the bunker is actually an underground house complete with a yard and a pool. But, In the thick fog something is stirring. Something that hungers. Will the bunker protect them or will they be the next meal?”

I have an underground pool, too. It’s called a leaky basement. FYI: No diving board OR lifeguard on duty. Also, the water is brown. Think of it as swimming in chocolate milk.

CORA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Cora is working for an organization trying to reverse the effects of the apocalypse after a deadly mist has covered Earth, effectively wiping out most of humanity.”

Back in my roommate days, we called this deadly mist a “sh*t fog,” wherein one rent-splitter goes in the bathroom after a Jalisco’s Mexican Fiesta Platter™ meal to do a bit of “recycling.” At that point said person turns on the shower to get the bathroom fog-thick steamy. Then said person opens the bathroom door and all the permeated steam spreads throughout the dwelling, sticking to the curtains, rug, bedding, clothing and nostrils. Goodbye humanity. And goodbye roommate.

STATE OF DESOLATION release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When a viral outbreak turns into a full-scale zombie pandemic, two mismatched survivors — Freddie, a war-weary retired special forces operative and Claire Davis, a young pampered suburbanite — begin a long trek to reach the perimeter of the hundred mile quarantine zone that used to be Los Angeles. Along the way the two very different people form a powerful bond, which will be put to the test as they try to survive marauding cannibals, doomsday cults, and hordes of the undead.”

Zombies…cannibals…doomsday cults. Sounds like a block party, or as we call it in my neighborhood, casual Friday.

Heavy Metal Horror, Bigfoot Booby Trap, Satanic Diapers

What happens when you mix (or “combine”) comic books with horror and heavy metal? A reason to read, that’s what. This is what we’re getting with Black Tape, a new original horror mystery comic series from AWA Studios, telling the “fictional story of miscreant and rock idol, Jack King.” Um, fictional? I thought all rock stars were miscreants. In fact, there is/was a metal band called Miscreant. (Their 1996 album Inside The Beyond could easily be turned into a comic type book.)

From AWA Studios’ press release: “When Jack King dies suddenly at the height of his musical reign and his cause of death comes with neither rhyme or reason, subsequent events paint a picture of a singing superstar caught in a web of lies, addiction, and even the unholy powers of the occult.”

Art imitates life. Written by award-winning comic creator Dan Panosian (Iron Man, Wolverine) and illustrated by renowned international artist Dalibor Talajiæ (Deadpool, Logan), the four-issue Black Tape is situated in 1960s Los Angeles. (I thought ‘60s bands were either jingle writers for hot dog commercials or beatniks. Or both.) 

While we contemplate turning off the TV and reading a comic book (tough choice), here are few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you bang your head to the hummable, rhythmic nature of heavy metal, or against a concrete retaining wall (same results)…

THE BIGFOOT TRAP / September 1, 2023 (VOD)

“A journalist’s life is changed forever when he’s locked inside a Bigfoot trap by an insane Sasquatch hunter.”

Bigfoot laughs derisively at the irony.

LEAVE / October 28, 2022 (Norway), Release pending 2023/2024 (US)

“A young woman tries to find her origins after having been abandoned as an infant at a cemetery wrapped in a cloth with satanic symbols. But as she gets closer to answers, a malevolent spirit is telling her to leave.”

Looked everywhere but couldn’t find said Pampers™ with pentagrams on ‘em. I did, though, come across a knock-off brand sporting upside down cross skid marks on both the inside AND outside. A malevolent spirit warned me not to buy ‘em, but I was unable to resist temptation. Evil — thy name is clearance sale.

OX-HEAD VILLAGE / Release pending 2022/2023 (VOD)

“After broadcasting a prank about a haunted building on their social media, three girls disappear. Rumors surface that they were victims of The Ox-Head Village Curse, triggering an investigation by two of their friends, desperate to find the truth about what happened.”

Three down, several hundred million to go.

MASTEMAH / June 29, 2022 (France) TBD 2022/2023 (US)

“After a traumatic accident during a hypnosis seance, Louise, a young psychiatric, opens a new office in the middle of nowhere. When she starts analyzing Theo, a dark and mysterious man, people around her start to die. Could she be confronted by the Devil himself?”

Had to look up this one: “Mastema, a personification of the Hebrew word mastemah, is an angel who appears in the Book of Jubilees, and is the father of all evil. He carries out punishments for God, as well as tempting humans and testing their faith.”

In the Book of JuJubes, however, Mastema tempts humans with colorful, gummy candy drops, testing not only their faith, but the sweet tooth as well. As if it needs to be said, those things are wickedly irresistible — and I wouldst like to live deliciously.

Game Sharks, Evil Warehouses, Dreadful Angels

If you’re looking to do some pre-Christmas shopping done, there is no better gift to get me than the new Jaws board game by Ravensburger. And here’s the supremely cool part — one player gets to be the shark!

Coming late June 2019, the Jaws board game will bite into your wallet for $30. Heck, I’d pay at least $35 for such a cool game. Here’s why…

“Like Steven Spielberg’s classic film, Jaws the board game plays out in two major acts. The first part has the player controlling the shark terrorizing Amity Island by attacking swimmers, while up to three other opponents — playing as Quint, Brody, and Hooper — try to cooperatively figure out exactly where the shark is hiding in the surrounding murky depths. Once the shark is located, the game switches to a second act.”

While you fight over who gets to buy me the game, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be as ridiculously cool as a cardboard shark…

1st SUMMONING (February 22, 2019)
“As four student filmmakers unearth a bizarre history of occult practice tied to an abandoned warehouse, it becomes clear the horror they set out to document may have been lurking among them all along.”

Of course abandoned warehouses are where evil lives — the rent is cheap.

STRAY (March 1, 2019)
“An orphaned teenager teams up with the detective investigating her mother’s murder. They soon discover a supernatural force threatening the city and realize the teen possesses hidden powers of her own which might be the key to stopping it.”

Potential spoiler: The supernatural force threatening everyone is…REPUBLICANS. Time for Democrats to tap into their hidden powers and veto them back to Hell.

DARLIN’ (2019)
“Darlin’ picks up 10 years after the events of The Woman, when the titular character escaped with the then-young Darlin’ in tow. Now Darlin’ in is a Catholic home for girls while the Woman resides in an all-female homeless encampment.”

Didn’t see The Woman (2011), so I have no idea what they’re talking about. I looked it up and it was a sequel to Offspring (2009). Didn’t see that one, either. The internet says it was about cannibals. Sounds yummy.

PENNY DREADFUL: CITY OF ANGELS (2020)
“City of Angels will be set in 1938 Los Angeles, a time and place deeply infused with Mexican-American folklore and social tension. Rooted in the conflict between characters connected to the deity Santa Muerte and others allied with the Devil, Penny Dreadful: City of Angels will explore an exciting mix of the supernatural and the combustible reality of that period, creating new occult myths and moral dilemmas within a genuine historical backdrop.”

If this is even half as good as the Penny Dreadful TV series (2014 – 2016), which starred Count Dracula, Dr. Frankenstein and his science project, Dr. Jekyll, Dorian Gray, the Wolf-Man and a bunch of witches thrown in for flavor, then I plan on spending all my waking time binge watching it.

Black Horror, Sequel Monsters, Future Religion

Shudder™, the go-to horror/sci-fi streaming channel, just announced something pretty dang cool. They’re exclusively premiering Horror Noire: A History of Black Horror, an original documentary on Thursday, February 7, 2019. It’s based on the same-named and highly-regarded book by Dr. Robin R. Means Coleman, which means now that it’ll be on TV, I don’t have learn how to read. Sweet!

They’re gonna start with the silent film era and hit the gas from there, Expect tons of interviews with directors, writers and actors, and more.

Horror Noire is doing special screening events in New York and Los Angeles before it makes it to the small screen. Until then, here are a few now available and upcoming horror/sci-fi that may or may not be silent…

MONSTERLAND 2 (available now)
“As monsters continue to destroy the world, we travel around the globe where stories of strange beasts and epic creatures are all too common. Beware a young girl with a brace on her face, she may just eat you alive if you aren’t looking. Watch out for werewolves, vampire hunters, and monsters that eat you from the inside out. No one is safe when the monsters are hiding amongst us and within.”

The best way out of this is to become a monster yourself. I proudly achieved that career goal a long time ago.

THE HARVESTING (available now)
“To escape their marital problems, a young family travels from the city to spend the summer in Amish Country where a malevolent presence grips them. They soon discover that they were brought there for a reason and they must break free before the demonic hold consumes them.”

Malevolent presence and a vacation in an Amish-controlled country? Not sure which would be worse.

LOOPHOLE (available now)
“The future of humanity hangs in the balance, as both sides race against time to find the bloodline of Judas Iscariot (one of the original Twelve Disciples of Jesus Christ). When Lexi, a simple college student, finds herself in the middle of an all-out spiritual war, she is forced to trust a complete stranger. Kidnapped, rescued, then in hiding, she knows she has to act, but will she have enough time to save humanity?”

Heaven battling Hell has been an ongoing theme in horror/sci-fi movies for so long, it sounds like a WWE pay-per-view. They could call it Heaven vs. Hell In A Cell. Heh.

COMA (aka, Koma/January 25, 2019/Russia)
“After a colossal and mysterious accident a young talented architect comes back to his senses in a very odd world that only resembles the reality. This world is based on the memories of the ones who live in it — people who are currently finding themselves in a deep coma. Human memory is spotty, chaotic and unstable. The same is the Coma — odd collection of memories and recollections — cities, glaciers and rivers can all be found in one room. All the laws of physics can be broken. The architect must find out the exact laws and regulations of Coma as he fights for his life, meets the love of his life and keeps on looking for the exit to the real world which he will have to get acquainted with all over again after the experience of Coma.”

This one sounds crazy cool. Though cities, glaciers and rivers all in the same room? Sounds like the bathroom at The Tug Tavern.