Gigantic Empire, Behind The Nightmare, Board With Sharks

After much speculation and ballyhoo (sorry — word of the day calendar), the OFFICIAL title for the next Godzilla/Kong movie is…Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire. Not sure what the “x” stands for, though given their newfound BFF status at the end of Godzilla vs. Kong (2021), they should title the movie, Godzilla xoxo Kong: The New Empire.

The 30 second teaser trailer shows a sinewy Kong sitting on his throne, throwing out his infamous “frowning of a lifetime glare,” while the scene pulls back over a sea of kaiju bones, culminating in two mega gigantic skulls formerly belonging to a previous Godzilla and Kong. Or maybe they are the bone-y remains of the current Godzilla and Kong and the Kong sitting on the throne is a new one. Or maybe I should just shut up and wait for the movie to find out, which is targeted to Imax™ and non-Imax™ screens on March 15, 2024.

Regardless, pant-tingling news for Godzilla and Kong fans, of which I am one. More tingles: there’s also a Skull Island anime series coming to Netflix™ and a live-action Godzilla and the Titans series coming to Apple TV+™ with Kurt Russell. I need to go do a load of laundry right now.

So while we IMPATIENTLY wait for March 15, 2024, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make your pants tingle…

HELLO HORROR / Out now (Screambox™, Bloody Disgusting TV)

“Hello Horror, featuring Vanessa Decker, Ryan Valdez, and Jones Bones, is a genre variety show that covers the spooky community – everything from red carpets, museums, cocktails, events, games, plus more. Vanessa and her crew take the audience on adventures, shining a light on the amazing community the genre has generated.”

I would like to drink a cocktail while standing on a red carpet in a museum. Just as long as there’s a bathroom close by because, hey, cocktails.

HOLLYWOOD, DREAMS & NIGHTMARES: THE ROBERT ENGLUND STORY / June 6, 2023 (Screambox™)

“Featuring interviews with Robert Englund and his wife Nancy, as well as fellow genre icons Lin Shaye, Eli Roth, Kane Hodder, Tony Todd, Adam Green, Bill Moseley, Heather Langenkamp and more, the documentary follows Englund’s career from his early days in Buster and Billie and Stay Hungry (starring with Arnold Schwarzenegger) to his big break in the 1980s as Freddy Krueger, to his directorial debut with the 1988 horror film 976-EVIL to his iconic acting status in current roles such as Netflix’s™ hit series, Stranger Things. With each new film in the series, Englund’s status as an icon grew until he became one of the most recognizable names in horror. Grossing over $450M at the box office, the Nightmare franchise has shown itself to be one of the most prolific in horror history. Spawning, merchandise, a television series and a 2010 remake, Englund’s influence continues to ripple across the genre.”

I saw each of the nine Freddy Krueger movie seven times each. So I’m responsible for at least $50 million of his box office take. (Note to Sir Englund: I need a receipt for my taxes — I’m writing it off as gambling losses. 

THE HORROR OF DELORES ROACH / July 7, 2023 (Amazon™ Original Series) 

“The Horror of Dolores Roach is based on the hit Gimlet podcast. The eight-episode, half-hour series is a contemporary Sweeney Todd-inspired tale, a macabre urban legend of love, betrayal, weed, gentrification, cannibalism, and survival of the fittest.”

Delores Roach. I hear she…bugs…a lot of people. Comedy gold, right there.

OUIJA SHARK 2 / July 25, 2023 (VOD), August 15, 2023 (DVD, Blu-ray)

“When the Ouija Shark emerges from Hell to cause havoc once more on earth, a sorcerer with a history of fighting the ghostly great white must follow it into a multiverse hellscape for one final battle. But this time he is bringing along some friends to help send the shark into oblivion.”

Maybe the sorcerer can conjure Quint from the dead to assist. He deserves punitive justice after Jaws ate him in half back in the Seventies. That was so mean of Jaws to do that.

Board With Friday the 13th, Marvelous Captains, Ginger Cannibal

In an homage to Friday the 13th (the iconic slasher horror movie that came out in 1980 and spawned 11 sequels, reboots, regurgitations), Antonio Ferrara and Sebastiano Fiorillo have created Last Friday, a board game that harkens back to F13’s enduring summer camp body count. And thanks to copyright obstacles, the game takes place at Camp Apache (standing in for Camp Crystal Lake), which is stalked by a mysterious killer referred to as the Maniac, suiting up for Jason Voorhees. Fortunately for the game developers, a hockey mask and machete can’t be copyrighted. 

Available through Ares Games™, Last Friday goes a little something like this: “Last Friday is a board game for 2-6 players wherein one player is the Maniac, hunting down (and sometimes fleeing from) the other players in a series of one-versus-all scenarios.”

Ooh, there’s more: “The game is divided into four chapters, each taking approximately 30 to 45 minutes to play. But players won’t just be retreading the same scenario four times. Each chapter presents a shift in the objective and even the roles of the hunter and the hunted, creating a cinematic trajectory appropriate to the game’s celluloid inspiration.” Glad they addressed that since Friday The 13th’s premise is classically repetitive beyond the point of parody (see “one billion F13 knockoffs.”) 

So while we get the game ($45.60 on Amazon™) and hope it isn’t a one-punch line premise, here are a few out now/upcoming horror sci-fi-fantasy adventure movies that may or may not have been edited with a non-copyright machete…

JANUARY / Out now (VOD)

“Who in their right minds goes into the woods in winter? Who knows what beasts roam in the snow? Two men and a bird, trapped in a snowstorm in the middle of nowhere, try to solve a mystery while it slowly devours them.”

This one’s in black and white and subtitled. I suck at multi-tasking, so it’s gotta be one or the other. (Because of that, I barely made it through the trailer.)

SHAZAM: FURY OF THE GODS / March 17, 2023 (Theaters)

“Billy Batson and his foster siblings, who transform into superheroes by saying ‘Shazam!’, are forced to get back into action and fight the Daughters of Atlas. They must stop them from using a weapon that could destroy the world.”

In 1941, The Adventures of Captain Marvel debuted as a 12-chapter movie serial. Billy Batson changed into Captain Marvel by invoking the timeless bar belch, “Shazam!”, the name of the ancient wizard that gave Billy the power to power up. In the 2019 movie Shazam!, they refer to him as Shazam and not Captain Marvel. Then, to mess with our minds, Captain Marvel — also released in 2019) came out, but this time the superhero is a gal who is constantly plugged in and doesn’t need to express a password to suit up. Yeah, not at all confusing.

THE MARVELS / November 10, 2023 (Theaters)

“Following the events of Ms. Marvel (2022), Carol Danvers and Monica Rambeau (Captain Marvel/2019) and Kamala Khan begin swapping places with each other every time they use their powers and must team-up to figure out why.”

So three female Captain Marvels. They should’ve called this movie, Shezam!

REDHEAD / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Cannibalism and depravity drive Autumn Blacksmith, now widowed, to engage in a relentless revenge binge. Will a possessing force drive her to kill every man around her?”

Wonder what took down her husband? Gonna go out on a limb here and say it was cannibalism with a dash of depravity.

Groovy Vampire, Goodwill Evil, Plush Shark

In 1972, the deliciously cheesy vampire classic Blacula was released to mixed reviews, but went on to become one of the top-grossing movies of that year, and was followed by Scream Blacula Scream in 1973. Mind you, top-grossing in those days meant it made enough to cover the film’s budget without ending up in gas station discount VHS bins. (That’s where I bought my copy.) In the genre-busting movie, African prince Mamuwalde was turned into a vampire in 1780 and locked in a coffin by that mean Count Dracula fellow. This is because Drac refused to help Mamuwalde help suppress the slave trade. Meet the old boss, same as the new boss.

But now, over 50 years later, Blacula is backula as the star of his own graphic novel: Blacula: Return of the King. Written by Rodney Barnes and illustrated by Jason Shawn Alexander, the $19.99/128 page book ( releasing January 31, 2023/Zombie Love Studios™) resurrects the soul-sucking vampire and to right a few wrongs. From the press release: “The book is an adaptation and expansion of the classic 1972 blaxploitation film that brings it to the modern day, pushing boundaries with its contemporary setting for the film’s characters.”

“Los Angeles – the City of Angels. Two souls, one is looking for vengeance and one is looking for the truth. They share one thing in common, they are both searching for the legendary vampire Blacula. Tina Thomas is a reporter for the blog Dark Knights, which chronicles all things unnatural, uneasy, and undead. She meets a young man named Kross whose family was forever changed by the vampire. Kross asks Tina to help him kill Blacula. Blacula, too, is on a mission — he’s searching for the one who forever changed his life centuries ago — Count Dracula.”

While you preorder Blacula: Return of the King (Amazon™/Barnes & Noble™) and scour eBay™, the equivalent of a gas station discount VHS bin, to get a copy of the original Blacula ($7.90 — $29.99) here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as stylishly groovy as a black vampire… 

SHE CAME FROM THE WOODS / February 10, 2023 (Limited/VOD)

“A group of counselors accidentally unleash an ancient evil spirit on the last night of a summer camp. As the situation turns bloody, the group is forced to confront what stories are worth telling and what secrets are worth keeping.”

Forget the woods…Always shop for ancient evil at Goodwill™ — great selection.

THE WELDER / February 24, 2023 (VOD)

“A Latina woman emotionally is scarred by her military service. Hoping to alleviate her stress, she embarks on a ranch vacation with her African American boyfriend. However, the couple’s relaxing weekend spirals into a nightmare of depravity and violence when they run afoul of a mad doctor bent on conducting macabre racial experiments.”

“Alleviating stress” and “mad doctor.” Sounds like a visit to my primary care physician. Which reminds me, I need to schedule an appointment. I haven’t been experimented on in a while.

DOLL SHARK / April 11, 2023 (DVD – SRS Cinema) 

“‘Sea Shark Swim’, the red hot online music video, is all the rage in children’s entertainment, setting records across social media and top streaming platforms. One of its biggest fans, a young boy named Kirby, receives a special gift from his dad, the famed shark hunter, Brock Banner – the doll from the show! However, Brock, thinking it would be a lucky charm, has hidden a tooth inside the toy from a shark he caught and killed. Soon the doll becomes possessed by the spirit of the evil sea beast! As the child spends a weekend with a nasty babysitter, the doll comes to life, feasting on bodies and wreaking havoc on the unsuspecting household.”

A stuffed shark stuffing itself with bodies. How could this possibly suck?

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: HONOR AMONG THIEVES / MARCH 31, 2023 (Theaters)

“A charming thief and a band of unlikely adventurers embark on an epic quest to retrieve a lost relic, but things go dangerously awry when they run afoul of the wrong people.”

A live action film of the popular board game first introduced in 1974. Never played it. I’m more of a 1975 kinda guy. 

Frightful Voices, Shark Cravings, Shiny Giants

One of the better and hammy fun vampire movies of the ‘80s is Fright Night (1985), wherein a stylish, manscaped vampire moves next door to Charley Brewster, a teen a horror movie fan, who discovers his new neighbor’s penchant for sucking down neck Slurpees™. Charley enlists the help of local TV horror movie host/vampire hunter Peter Vincent (played by Planet of the Apes’ Cornelius), to expose his neighbor’s vampiric activities. The wild stuff that happens from there (sorry, no spoilers) cemented Fright Night’s cult status among horror fans, and was even remade in 2011.

Chris Sarandon, who played Jerry Dandrige, Fright Night’s the lethally smooth vampire, also starred as police detective Mike Norris in 1988’s Child’s Play (he was the guy who shot the criminal guy who, before he could die, voodoo’d himself into a plastic doll and became Chucky), and was the voice of Jack Skellington in 1993’s animated “horror” classic, The Nightmare Before Christmas. His work in horror includes 1977’s The Sentinel, 1991’s The Resurrected, Bordello of Blood in 1996, and a cameo in the 2011 Fright Night remake. (P.S. Fright Night 2: New Blood came out 2013, but he wasn’t in it. Neither was I.) And Sir Sarandon recently returned to the FN universe by voicing A. Jack Ulkrich novel Fright Night: Origins in audiobook format. This is fantastic news for people who don’t know how to read. (Hey, I was wet nursed on TV. Quit judging me.)

Here are the particulars: “You think you know the whole story, don’t you? High school isn’t going well for teenage horror fan Charley Brewster, still dealing with the loss of his father, he finds himself in his first serious relationship with the vibrant and beautiful Amy Peterson. If new love wasn’t complicated enough Charley is also failing Trigonometry. Late one night while cramming for a test Charley spies something suspicious in the yard next door, two men carrying what appears.to be a coffin. What’s going on in the old Victorian House and who are Charley’s new neighbors?”

Fright Night: Origins comes in four Amazon Audible™ options: Kindle™ ($1.99), Audiobook ($0.00), hardcover ($32.99) and paperback ($16.99). Pick your poison here. And while you’re reliving the undead, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved by having ’em read to you…

UNDYING / Out now (VOD)

“A tragic car accident puts a woman in a two year coma. She wakes up to find her fiancee is dead and her friends have abandoned her. So she calls on an evil spirit to raise her fiancee from the dead and exact revenge. But revenge always comes with a price.”

Your friends bailed because you were basically a leftover meatloaf for two years. It’s not like they ran out, leaving you to pay the bar tab. And that’s punishable by death by an evil spirit? Geez, some coma patients are so cranky if they don’t get enough — or too much —sleep.

VENUS / Out now (VOD)

“After being caught stealing from her employers, club dancer Lucía seeks shelter with her estranged sister and niece in the Venus, a decrepit apartment complex on the outskirts of Madrid. Soon, Lucía discovers the apartment complex harbors a dark secret threatening to reveal itself after an unexpected solar eclipse.”

I thought all eclipses were solar. They could’ve just said eclipse.

NO SHARK / Out now (Tubi™)

“In this darkly comedic and uniquely angsty journey, twelve vignettes chronicle a young woman’s inner monologue as she visits various NYC beaches in hopes of fulfilling her dream of being eaten by a shark.”

Why is it every gal I meet wants to be eaten by a shark? It’s giving me a complex.

SHIN ULTRAMAN / January 12, 2023 (Fathom™)

“As the threat of giant unidentified lifeforms known as S-Class Species worsens in Japan, a silver giant appears from beyond Earth’s atmosphere.”

As if it needs to be said, the world could use more silver giants wearing shiny tight pants.

Fuzzy Leviathan, Werewolf Party Crasher, Chilly Creatures

Cthulhu, horror author H.P. Lovecraft’s quintessential fish face fish monster, first appeared in Weird Tales in 1928. Titled, “The Call of Cthulhu”, the short story was so terrifyingly awesome, the “Great Old One” has since become a pop culture staple for nearly 100 years. Besides Cthulhu books, posters, Athletiwear™, and bathtub toys, you can now get a Cthulhu Chia Pet, available on Amazon™ for $22.73. That’s cheaper than a haircut, which is ironic given that this thing grows “hair” like a weed. Additionally ironic — the hair IS a weed.

From the product description: “Joseph Enterprises™ Inc., the makers of the Chia Pet® and the Clapper®, is expanding its horror collection with a brand new addition to their horror holiday lineup. They say no human can gaze at Cthulhu without going mad. The only form suitable to avoid insanity is by planting and growing your very own Cthulhu Chia Pet!”

“The handmade pottery planter comes with a packet of Chia® seeds good for three plantings, convenient plastic drip tray and planting and care instructions. In just 1-2 weeks your Cthulhu Chia Pet will achieve maximum growth as it takes over your puny existence. Chia Planters can be washed and replanted indefinitely.”

While you skip the barbershop and sacrifice your cash in tribute to Cthulhu, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not drive you mad while gazing at them… 

VIKING WOLF / November 18, 2022 (VOD)

“Seventeen-year-old Thale has just moved with her parents to a small town after her mother has a new job with the local police. After a student is killed brutally at a party Thale attends, she becomes a key witness. Was the killer an animal? A wolf?

Um, they give it away with the movie’s ad sheet. Like we couldn’t have figured it out on our own without any help from the police…or a poster.

A WOUNDED FAWN / December 1, 2022 (Shudder™)

“Meredith Tanning is a local museum curator who is dipping her toe back into the dating pool, only to be targeted by a charming serial killer. When a fateful romantic getaway between the two becomes a tense game of cat and mouse, both must confront the madness within him.”

No one should “dip” their toe in the dating pool. There’s is only one way to do it: CANNONBALL!

THE LEECH / December 6, 2022 (VOD)

“A devout priest welcomes a struggling couple into his house at Christmas time. What begins as a simple act of kindness quickly becomes the ultimate test of faith once the sanctity of his home is jeopardized.”

Uh, oh — sounds like someone didn’t use Glade™ after using the priest’s “porcelain pulpit.”

FREEZE / December 13, 2022 (VOD)

On a rescue mission to the North Pole to retrieve an old friend and his lost expedition crew, Captain Mortimer gets more than he bargained for when his ship is frozen into the ice sheet and set upon by bloodthirsty fish-creatures. Mortimer and his surviving crew flee the ship, beginning a treacherous journey in a frozen desolate wilderness. Suffering from starvation, frostbite and slow madness, they find shelter inside a snowy mountain. Are they safe or have they entered the creatures’ lair?”

All Captain Mortimer has to do is wait for those walking fish sticks to thaw. Then shoot ‘em in the gills with a gun loaded with tartar sauce bullets.

Godzilla Day, Trolling For Trolls, Werewolf Games

To celebrate Godzilla Day (today, right now, let’s party), you might consider buying me (and get one for yourself while you’re at it) the Godzilla: The Ultimate Illustrated Guide (Welbeck Publishing), releasing November 8, 2022 on Amazon™. Really, it’s the right thing to do.

Besides the subject matter, the $29.95 book, authored by Graham Skipper, measures out as 9.25 x 0.75 x 11.25 inches, has 256 pages, and weighs 3.08 lbs (or “pounds”). Best part — TONS of cool photos (or “pictures”). A Spanish review called it, “La mejor guía hasta la fecha de las películas de nuestro kaiju favorito!” Took the words right out of my mouth.

So while you’re cutting back on your Slim Jim™ budget enough to purchase Godzilla: The Ultimate Illustrated Guide, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not taste as good as commercial meat snacks…

TROLL / December 1, 2022 (Netflix™)

“Deep inside the mountain of Dovre, something gigantic awakens after being trapped for a thousand years. Destroying everything in its path, the creature is fast approaching the capital of Norway. But how do you stop something you thought only existed in Norwegian folklore?”

Norway’s version of Godzilla. The movie’s trailer is thrillable on a level that’s quite thrilling. (Redundant — is that a problem?) As stated above, a giant Troll comes out of his mountain retreat and trample stamps its way through buildings, public transportation, landscaped lawns, 7-Eleven™… Watch Trollhunter (2010) prior to get your folklore juices flowing.

BLOODTHIRST / Pending release 2022 (VOD)

“In a post apocalyptic world run by vampires, only the strong survive. John Shepard, Vampire Hunter, is one of them. John has to track down and eliminate the master vampire before he himself gets turned.”

While vampires are cool, I’m with being a vampire hunter. If the world was owned and operated by vampires, it wouldn’t take long to bankrupt their human food supply. And vampires sucking on cows, raccoons and/or hamsters (i.e., fuzzy juice boxes) is just biblically wrong.

WEREWOLF GAME / January 13, 2023 (Theaters)

“Twelve kidnapped strangers must play a game where they vote on who amongst them to murder. At night, the ‘werewolves’ hidden among them come out to brutally kill one of the 12 ‘villagers’ in return.”

This movie is adapted from the famous 1986 “who did it” adult party game, Mafia, which is also known as Werewolves. The other popular game from that year was Orgy, in which players try to gain enough wealth to become a Roman consul. The game’s name was TOTALLY misleading.

COCAINE BEAR / February 2023 (Theaters)

“A drug runner plane crashes with a load of cocaine that’s found by a black bear, who eats it. Inspired by true events that took place in Kentucky in 1985, during which a bear ingested 88 pounds of pure cocaine and went on a rampage.”

I read a news headline on that story: “Cocaine Bear — The Ultimate Party Animal.” That’s freakin’ funny. P.S. Cocaine smells good. (Old joke. Still freakin’ funny.)

Hellish Sex, Christmas Death Kiss, Gourd Goo

You always want to look your best for Halloween, despite your skin’s tendency to freshness-expire. And you can do that with Andalou Naturals™ Pumpkin Honey Glycolic Brightening Mask, originally $16.00, now for $13.00 on Amazon™ a discount of three wallet-stuffing dollars. Rejuvinated face AND savings? Where do I add to the shopping cart and checkout?

From the product’s description: “Andalou Naturals™ Pumpkin Honey Glycolic Brightening Mask combines this powerhouse ingredient with powerful glycolic acid to slough off dull skin cells and leave your skin looking smooth and fresh. It also contains nourishing manuka honey to keep your skin feeling soft. You can feel especially good about slathering this on your face, as the ingredients are all hypoallergenic, organic, vegetarian, and cruelty-free.”

And it works! Check out my pic after using the Pumpkin Honey Glycolic Brightening Mask™ according to directions…

While you’re exfoliating all over your shirt, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your face as smooth (and carveable) as a glycolic acid-coated pumpkin…

MISTLETOE MASSACRE / December 23, 2022 (VOD)

“Marion Callevero has her guest list checked twice to host the company Christmas event, but gifts quickly turn to gore. This struggling staff has been invited to the party but no one will be returning home for the holidays.”

I don’t know what’s worse — the movie’s ad copy or the plot.

THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE BARN / Pending release 2023 (VOD)

“A typical American family inherits a farm in the Norwegian mountains and crosses paths with a tricky creature from Nordic folklore, the Barn Elf. The family must avoid incurring the wrath of this gnome-like Santa by eschewing all bright lights and loud noises and making sure to leave a bowl of porridge on Christmas Eve.”

Barn Elf. That’s…different. A well-placed pitchfork, though, could put a stop to all that porridge-sacrificing.

ON THE EDGE / Pending release 2022/2023

“Family man Peter gets more than he paid for when he books a 36-hour session with the sadistic Mistress Satana, who seems more intent on making him suffer for his sins. Is it blackmail? Is it torture? Or is it the Devil come for his soul? Will Peter’s faith save him from his own personal Hell or is he already damned? A brilliant depiction of how Kink Culture can heal past trauma and be a source for shocking redemption.”

A 36-hour session with an S&M Dominatrix? Do you get lunch and/or crying breaks in-between bouts of BDSM, enema play (ick) or “Kinbaku”? (Look it up.) Will the “Contrapolar Stimulation” leave hickey marks on your abused bared bottom? Does the “Apple of Pain” go in your fruit bowl? This movie needs to do a lot more explaining. 

OBSTACLE CORPSE / Pending release, 2022

“A teen out to prove herself to her dad stumbles into the world’s most terrifying obstacle course.”

Sounds like the TV show Wipeout™, but with (hopefully) gasoline-powered sharp things, bear trap-filled bouncy tents and thumbtack covered alligators in the water below where your lifeless body will eventually end up. That could be a ratings juggernaut.

Death Whistles, Cursed Videos, Goth Vegans

The four best words you’ll hear all year: Screaming Aztec Death Whistle. Not a movie, but it could/should be, this is an actual handmade charcoal and ceramic wheeze pipe that emulates a woman screaming, though you don’t need a whistle for that.

Called “De Itzcoehua,” this mouth flute sells on Amazon™ for $34.95 and, when blown properly, reaches 125+ decibels. That’s akin to grooving to some soothing sandblasting, a Metallica concert or standing next to a pneumatic riveter, which also sounds like a Metallica concert.

From the sales pitch: “Terrifying instruments of religion and war were used by Ancient Aztecs to summon spirits and create horror and fear wherever they went. These whistles emit a scream that sounds like a woman being tortured in horrible agony.”

Suitable not just for Halloween, but whenever you’re in a traffic jam, Starbucks™ or a maternity ward, the Screaming Aztec Death Whistle is the must-own knick-knack for any season.

While you put your lips together and blow, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you scream like you were being tortured…

SADAKO DX / October 28, 2022 (VOD)

“People who watch a cursed video suddenly die. These deaths take place all over Japan. Ayaka Ichijo is an extremely smart graduate student with an IQ of 200. Her younger sister happens to watch the cursed video for fun. Ayaka tries to reveal the mystery of the video.”

Um, isn’t this the same plot as Ringu (1998), Spiral (1998) and Ringu 2 (1999)? Maybe it’s the same film, but the actors are wearing different clothes.

EATING MISS CAMPBELL / October 31, 2022 (VOD)

“A vegan-goth high school student falls in love with her new English teacher and develops a problematic taste for human flesh.”

Whatever it takes to get a passing grade, although being both vegan AND goth is a better horror movie idea.

SUPER Z / October 31, 2022 (VOD)

“The adventures of a family of genetically modified super-zombies.”

They all eat dinner together. And hey — no dishes to wash afterward!

THE CONCLAVE OF SHADOWS / October 31, 2022 (VOD)

” The end of the world begins today and here.”

That doesn’t go very far in telling us what this is about. Bad business model if the end of world begins today, right when you’re putting the movie out. This is also being called, El Cónclave de Las Sombras. I have no idea what that translates to.

Horror Trivia, Dead Dump, Ghost Boat

As first reported by Reddit and not the fake news, USAopoly™ has released Trivial Pursuit: Horror Movie Edition™, just in time for the upcoming alt-Christian holiday All Hallow’s Eve, which is like Christmas for Planet Halloween™.

The details are as cool as the $19.99 price: 600 questions that cover 100 years of the horror genre, with topics like epic monster movies, the paranormal, slasher and goriest movies. I just soiled myself.

You can get this delivered right to your face mailbox through Amazon™ or GameStop™. Before you get to clickin’, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not fall into one or more of Trivial Pursuit’s Horror Movie™ categories…

I’LL TAKE YOUR DEAD (2018/2019)
“William has a simple job: he makes dead bodies disappear. Through circumstances out of his control, his little farm house in the country has become a dumping ground for the casualties of the gang related murders in the nearby city. His daughter Gloria has become used to the rough looking men dropping off corpses and is even convinced that some of them haunt their house. After a woman’s body is dumped at the house, William begins his meticulous process when he realizes that she’s not actually dead. As the gang activity increases, William patches up the woman and holds her against her will until he can figure out what to do with her. As they begin to develop an unusual respect for each other, the woman’s murderers get word that she’s still alive and make a plan to finish what they started.”

Dumping bodies on a farm? That’s why they’re called criminals; bodies can be recycled instead of becoming rodent/bug-attracting illegal landfill. If they can figure it out in Soylent Green (1973), so can we do it today.

ALIVE (2018)
“A male patient, badly injured from an unknown event, is trying to piece together his checkered past.”

This is normally referred to as a Defcon 1 hangover. It’s a moment when you come out of your alcoholic coma to find your body looking like raw hamburger. As painful as it is, you know there’s a really great — and highly likely — funny story behind it all.

THE BOAT (2018)
“A lone fisherman on his daily run finds himself lost in a thick fog, which proves impossible to navigate. The worst is yet to come when his encounter with a seemingly abandoned sailboat becomes a fight for survival against an enemy unknown.”

Cool — ghost boat! Guess the life preservers didn’t work after all. Wonder if this event happened on a…May day. Heh.

BROTHERS’ NEST (2018)
“Two brothers are intent on murdering their stepfather before their dying mother changes her will in his favor.”

That’s one way to do it. Another way would be to dress up as the mom, go to the bank, and make a hefty withdrawal. I’ve heard that works 17% of the time. I’ll take those odds.

Monster Guide, Halloween on Halloween, Evil Stuff

For those of us who still know how printed books work (no swiping left or right required), you might wanna swipe, uh, I mean, purchase the just released The Frightfest Guide to Monster Movies (Dark Heart of Cinema), written by longtime horror movie critic and Fangoria writer/editor, Michael Gingold. The price? A mere $24.93 with free shipping from Amazon Prime™. (If you live in England Town and order from Fabpress.com, it’ll set you back 20£ or “quid”. (Translation: $26.38 U.S.)

From the book’s press release: “Celebrated writer, editor, and critic Michael Gingold traces the history of the genre from the silent movies all the way through to the present day. From Universal Studios legends such as Frankenstein’s Monster and the Wolf Man, to the big bugs, atomic mutants and space invaders that terrorized the ’50s, to the kaiju of Japan and the ecological nightmares of the ’70s and ’80s, to the CG creatures and updated favorites of recent years — they’re all here.”

Guess I’ll have to raid the quid swear jar and get a copy. There might not be enough shillings in there, so time to start cussing like an Irish longshoreman at last call. While I practice yelling “shite” at the top of my lungs, here are a few recently released and upcoming horror I swear you may or may not watch…

THE INVOKING 3: PARANORMAL DIMENSIONS (available now)
“Hundreds of disturbing paranormal events occur every year. Most of these terrifying encounters go unreported – until now. Enter the disturbing world of The Invoking 3: Paranormal Dimensions, where the undead come to wreak havoc upon the living. Grim Reapers, evil poltergeists, satanic forces and conjured spirits will feed off your fear and drag you into the abyss of waking nightmares.”

How this movie isn’t about alcohol abuse is beyond me. I see this stuff ALL THE TIME whilst excessively imbibing.

10/31 (October 31, 2017)
“A new horror anthology in the vein of V/H/S (2012) and Creepshow (1982) brings an ensemble cast together to spin twisted tales of the macabre. The poster is by Travis Smith who’s designed artwork for Metallica, Slayer, Avenged Sevenfold, Opeth and others.”

Cool poster. Hope the movie is as good. I like anthologies as my attention span is dwindling by the…

LIVE EVIL (October 31, 2017/Amazon/VOD)
“When a small college town police station is besieged by ‘Evil’ on a sleepy Halloween night, Pete, the sheriff, and Hancock, his loyal deputy, are thrown into the middle of holy chess game that could destroy the town, and possibly the world.”

Shouldn’t that be UNholy chess game? Why would Evil play a holy game? That’s like playing golf with bowling balls.

I REMEMBER YOU (November 10, 2017/DVD/VOD)
“After a woman hangs herself in a church, a new psychiatrist discovers she was obsessed with the disappearance of his eight-year-old son, who vanished three years earlier. Meanwhile, three city dwellers are restoring a house when they realize it is haunted, and a mysterious child named Bernodus, who disappeared 60 years earlier, is discovered as the link between the two groups.”

[Disclaimer: Already brought this to your attention a few months ago. This is the updated U.S. key art and a whole new pithy commentary.] Who names their kid “Bernodus”? Is he Greek? Are the names Jacob Marley or Casper not spooky enough? And why would a woman hang herself in a church? What, tying a rope around your neck and stepping off a wobbly stool not sufficiently religiously offensive?