Archive for Spanish

Spanish Neck-Eater

Posted in Foreign Horror, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shiver

In the succinctly titled Shiver (2008), a Spanish teen just moved into the hood with his mother in a house so far out in the woods, even bugs won’t go there. He thinks he’s a vampire and even dreams of being caught in the daylight and his skin burning as if dipped in deep-fryer oil. There is no explanation as to why he’s sun-phobic, other than to set him up as a bully target at school. Can’t blame them — the kid has wimp written all over him.

Shiver

Soon, local animals, a shepherd, and even a schoolmate all turn up deader than the town’s nightlife, with throats torn into Shredded Wheat™, but with more stringy tendons than you get in a large box. Everybody (me included) thinks Santi (the emovampire” kid) is responsible. He’s not — but he might know who did.

Shiver

There’s a creature in the woods that zooms around ripping throats apart. Sasquatch? Nope. A bear with a taste for huckleberries and human flesh? Not quite. Extraterrestrials looking for new orifices to “examine”? Not this time. A vampire? Ha — you are SO wrong. A little girl who, after getting lost in the woods while in Africa, raises herself and eventually gets brought back to Spain. You’re getting warmer.

Shiver

Later the girl witnesses her parents being violently killed, which drove her mad. So she’s dumped into an orphanage, where she kills and maims the Sisters at the Nun School For The Ferally-Challenged. Back to the woods with you, ya mangy pup.

Shiver

In an effort to clear his name of the murders and solve the mystery, Santi, a school buddy and the police detective’s daughter (who is hot for Santi, probably because he has a Hot Topic™ vibe) enter the woods to find this eater of necks.

Shiver

While there, they trip over a village secret that threatens to tear the whole town into remorseful serving portions. The feral girl does her bit on the man who killed her parents. Santi discovers he’s not a vampire, but hates the sun all the same. His mom is visibly relieved and a little blood gets spilled. Scary? Nope. Suspenseful. Nope. Broadway-caliber acting. Yes. I mean, no. Worth renting? Only if you’re an emo wannabe vampire with crybaby tendencies when exposed to the sun.

The Curse of Curse Sequels

Posted in Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , on August 7, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 La Maldicion De La Llorona

Thanks to Internet linguistic courses, I translated La Maldicion De La Llorona, the title of this 2007 movie, to be The Maldicion De La Llorona. (I don’t know what a “de la” is, though. Hey, I’M WORKING ON IT.)

 La Maldicion De La Llorona

Regardless, this Curse of the Crying Woman remake sucks hard enough to be a vacuum cleaner. A naked young chick tries to kill herself and is found by a supermodel mail carrier who was dropping off valuable coupons and carpet cleaning offers. Instead of taking the girl to the hospital (slit wrists, deep gouges on her back, bad breath), her aunt, uncle and hot same-age/chest size cousin come over to take care of her.

 La Maldicion De La Llorona

But the girl has had a psychotic break, claiming there is a vengeful spirit hanging out in the closet of the abandoned house in the middle of an East L.A. Cul-de-sac. For no other reason than to introduce something “horror” into the plodding plot, a brain wrapped in newspaper is found in the garage. “Discard it,” says the aunt, noting its stink is making the odoriferous house even more so.

 La Maldicion De La Llorona

The suicidal gal has a few more “episodes” and wants her aunt to kill her baby (not yet born, but no doubt hiding from being included in this boneheaded piece of dumbness’ movie credits). The mail carrier shows up again to offer an ominous warning — and to drop off 2-for-1 tanning discount fliers. (Which brings up several insightful questions: If the house was abandoned, then why was she delivering mail to it? Secondly, since when does a mail carrier walk right into the house to drop off the mail? I’m sure there are other questions, but that’s all I could think of right now. I’ll get back to you.)

 La Maldicion De La Llorona

Shot entirely in daylight, the blood inflicted by Llorona looks pink when it dries within seconds. The vengeful spirit looks a lot like the suicidal gal, but sporting a long rubber tongue with bumps on it. All shot on stunning hand-held quality video, La Maldicion (or THE Maldicion) once again proves that friends shouldn’t let friends make movies.

P.S. There have been many La Maldicion De La Llorona movies through out he ages, as represented by the key art I “borrowed” from the “Internet.” Also, the latest version misspells the title altogether. Who can’t spell  La Maldicion De La Llorona correctly on the first dozen tries?

Midget Monsters, Nazi Zombies, Cleaning Toilets

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Creeps - Deformed Monsters

You ever see the 2007 Spanish horror hit [REC]? That one had a few humans trapped inside an apartment building loaded with slobbering, flesh-chowing zombies. I feel like I live in that same building as I can hear my highly annoying neighbors chew dinner with their loud mouths open. Wonder if they’re eating flesh? That’s what it smells like as anytime anyone cooks something, it stinks up the entire building. Think I’ll fight fire with fire and fry up some raw tuna and eggplant.

Here’s some upcoming horror movies that hopefully won’t stink…

THE CREEPS – DEFORMED MONSTERS (February 21, 2017/Blu-ray)
“Undersized, undead and angry. Dracula. Frankenstein. The Werewolf. The Mummy. In an experiment of the maddest kind of science, these four classic monsters of film and literature are brought back to life…but something goes wrong. Though they look and act exactly as they you’d think they’d look, the creepy quartet emerge as half their normal size. Now, they’re three feet tall…and not happy at all.”

Can’t blame ‘em for being unhappy. At three feet tall, that puts your face at everyone’s butt level. This would be especially demoralizing if they worked at a bean factory. The Creeps actually came out in 1997, but this is the first time on 2D HD 1080p. That’s just scientific jibber jabber, but some people with hi-tech minds will find that to be of significance. I’m gonna go back to braiding my hair and contemplating puffy clouds.

Besetment

BESETMENT (2017)
“A young woman takes a hotel position in a small town in Oregon. It’s a creepy, back country kind of town, but owners Mildred Colvin and her son seem nice. It’s not long before she discovers their real intentions and her struggle to make a living becomes a nightmarish fight for her life.”

A “nightmarish fight for her life.” Sounds like she has to clean toilets.

Trench 11

TRENCH 11 (2017/2018)
“In the final days of WWI a shell-shocked tunneler must lead an Allied team into a hidden German base 100 hundred feet below the trenches. The Germans have lost control of a highly contagious biological weapon that turns its victims into deranged killers. The Allies find themselves trapped underground with hordes of the infected, a rapidly spreading disease and a team of German Stormtroopers dispatched to clean up the mess. The only thing more terrifying than the Western Front is what lies beneath it…”

Two things come to mind: First, this sounds like a video game. Secondly, is this not a spin on Resident Evil (2002)? That one was based on a video game as well. I don’t play video games. It requires too much hand/eye coordination. I can barely put on my movie pants without falling over.

The Black Room

THE BLACK ROOM (May 9, 2017/VOD)
“A supernatural tale where evil takes on a sexy side. A married couple moving into their new home is faced with an entity that feeds off lust and desire, corrupting and/or killing everyone in its path as it plots a horrifying plan to destroy the world.”

Surprised that the entity is feeding off lust and desire from the married couple. Everyone knows that goes down the drain after the honeymoon fever wears off. I’m betting, however, this movie will depict boobies in all their paired gloriousness.

Psychosis, Delusions and Pregnancy

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead Story

Been trying to learn new languages by watching foreign horror movies without sub-titles so as to become fluent in Spanish, French, German and the massively challenging Chinese. (I don’t know how people can speak in Chinese without hurting their mouth.) Is it working? Shì hé fǒu.

Anyway, here’s some new simple language horror movies headed your way…

DEAD STORY (January 20, 2017/VOD)
“A young married couple, who after purchasing their first home, realize that either the house is selectively haunting only the wife, or she’s developing a delusional psychosis.”

Neither. It’s just a bad case of buyer’s remorse.

Arbor Demon

ARBOR DEMON (February 2, 2017)
“An adventurous married couple and an injured hunter are held captive inside a claustrophobic tent by a supernatural threat. For an unknown reason, the tent has become their only safe haven. Soon tensions rise and the truth about the attacker is revealed.”

The kicker line, “Don’t Breathe,” is just plain dumb. What, did somebody fart in the tent? If so, was it flatulence born of an expression of extreme fear or freshly consumed raw broccoli? Knowing this will help determine the fright quotient of said stinky emissions.

Prevenge

PREVENGE (February 10, 2017/UK)
“Ruth, a pregnant woman, is on a killing spree. It’s her misanthropic unborn baby dictating Ruth’s actions, holding society responsible for the absence of a father. The child speaks to Ruth from the womb, coaching her to lure and ultimately kill her unsuspecting victims.”

A pregnant woman on a killing spree. Proof that there are no more sacred cows left unslaughtered. And to all female readers, I did NOT just call a pregnant woman a cow, although that could apply around the third trimester. Please don’t killing spree me.

Atomica

ATOMICA (March 17, 2017/Limited; March 21, 2017/VOD)
“In the near future, when communications go offline at a remote nuclear power plant isolated in the desert, a young safety inspector, Abby Dixon, is forced to fly out to bring them back online. Once inside the facility, mysterious clues and strange behaviors cause Abby to have doubts about the sanity, and perhaps identities, of the two employees onsite.”

Yeesh, just unplug the communications, wait 10 seconds, and plug ‘em back in. Rebooting solves 95% of offline errors. As for people going crazy, who among us doesn’t go all psychotic when we can’t get on the Internet?

Sci-Fi – Made in Mexico

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 31, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ship of Monsters

The Spanish-made sci-fi Ship of Monsters (aka, La Nave de los Monstruos/1960) is so endearingly bad, you can’t help but love the super goofy monsters (including a bone bare reptile that talks), scantily-clad space girls who wear bathing suits while piloting around the galaxy, and the added-value dialogue: “This place of full of rebels without a cause…”, “I’ll slap you around with my shoe…” and the time-honored “Do you swing both ways?”

Ship of Monsters

The planet Venus, occupied by horny chicks (a radiation scourge wiped out all the dudes), rocket around the galaxy, kidnapping male creatures of all sizes, shapes and complexions, to bring back for Uranus exploring dates. A malfunction forces the spaceship to land on Earth, specifically Chihuahua, Mexico, where the two supermodel space chicks encounter the tall-tale telling Lauriano, a horse-ridin’, singin’ caballero who asks the stars for a chick to “share his affections” with.

Ship of Monsters

The smooth talking Lauriano educates the space chicks in the ways of Earth love by smooching their lips and proposing marriage. Gamma, the space ship captain, calls dibs on Lauriano’s saddle horn, which makes Beta, the first officer, jealous and full of vengeance.

Ship of Monsters

Beta unfreezes the monsters and proposes that they take over Earth. Turns out she’s actually a vampire and the blood of our peeps is loaded with acrid richness. Pffft – trying sucking on a beer, lady; aside from a bit ‘o belching, no neck aftertaste.

Ship of Monsters

The male monsters have great space names: Uk (pronounced ‘ook’), Tawal, Zok (rhymes with ‘sock’) and Crassus, who emphatically proclaims, “I will devour your entrails by the light of Utare and its seven moons…” And he flippin’ means it, man!

Ship of Monsters

But in the end, Lauriano, who only wanted someone with which to share his affections, shows that love triumphs over monsters, vampires and the robot Torr, whom he calls “Tractor.” If that doesn’t warm your heart, you’re probably dead.

P.S. Amazing fun fact: All the monsters from across the galaxy speak Spanish. I know, right? How awesome is that?

The Pain In Spain Falls Mainly On My Face

Posted in Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Abre Los Ojos

A sub-titled Spanish psycho-drama, Abre Los Ojos (aka, Open Your Eyes/1997) involves a young, rich guy who is so handsome, he could be my doppelganger. More or less.

Open Your Eyes

A car accident leaves his photo framing-worthy mug horribly scarred and eventually warps his mind to the point where he’s having trouble sorting out reality from his fantasy world in which he had his face repaired and is compromising his best friend’s girlfriend.

Open Your Eyes

All things being equal, he ends up killing a chick while horizontally dating her, just to make sense of his nightmare, the poor guy. But that’s just the beginning.

Open Your Eyes

Where this incredible gem throws its knockout punch is near the end, which is a twist of biblical proportions. That the boobies are perfecto and are but a mere bonus; the story is quite riveting. Sci-fi, horror, suspense, naked stuff, Abre Los Ojos is mucho grande.

Vanilla Sky

P.S. Abre Los Ojos/Open Your Eyes was remade in as Vanilla Sky in 2001 and stars Tom Cruise, who is pretty much my doppelganger.

Latin Vampires

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 7, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Vamprios

Vampiros (2004) is a Latin version and street-flavored updating of The Lost Boys (1987). In this “Perdido Muchachos,” Jonathan has one-night stand with a hot blonde he just met in a festivo club. He was there with his buddy Miguel to see Circo, his favorite band in the whole mundo. With freshness-expired beats and incisive lyrics like “flying through the grass that sprouts from your lagoon,” I can see why.

Vampiros

Johnathan takes the blonde (Gloria) back to his apartment and they show each other their private parts (not shown), but don’t tell each other their last names. Doing so would reveal too much. Ahem. Gloria rewards Johnathan’s efforts with a vampire bite, which converts him into an undead sucker of sangre. This makes him so darn mad as he didn’t want to be a vampire.

Vampiros

Enlisting the reluctant help of his two buddies, they travel the night, looking for answers about his upgrade. What Johnathan finds is a swarm of vampires, each young, good-looking, and having a lot of facial posing skills. Seeking the help of a vampire, Johnathan discovers he can never go back to being human. That sucks. (Heh.) He also learns that Esteban, the charismatic vampire leader with muscles, stylish bling and styling product in his undead hair, is assembling his horde for a vampire uprising. Johnathan can be part of the solution or part of the problem. Guess which path he takes?

Vampiros

The padre vampire in the shadows finds this all very amusing. What a burro. Bogged down by a linear plot, zero special effects, fake evil eyes, and perfectly straight and white vampire fangs, Vampiros is a tedious way to enjoy the technology of your TV, even without the sub-titles.

Latin Vampires

One a side note, the bands that make up the soundtrack have their lyrics brought up on the screen. A heavy metal punk band backs up the tattoo parlor scene with filthy language unbecoming of a hit record. Still, pretty dang funny.

Vampiros displays no nudity, hopelessly corny dialogue, barely any blood, and one of the weakest fights between an experienced vampire leader and a newbie neck-biter. How do you say “refund” in Spanish?