Mutant Made Music, Squirmy Religion, King Dong

As of this digital upchucking, the Australian post-apocalyptic action adventure film Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga just arrived in theaters on May 24, 2024. (I haven’t seen it yet as I usually wait for the crowds to get off my lawn.) But thanks to MadeByMutant.com™, I can get its soundtrack on color vinyl and photo-adorned album sleeves featuring the main characters: Thor (post-Avengers/Ragnarok), that skinny chick from The Witch (2015) and The Immortan Joe, the character of the guy who played Toe Cutter in the original Mad Max movie way back in future of 1979. He seems nice.

Scored by Tom Holkenborg, composer/long-time collaborator with Mad Max creator George Miller, MadeByMutant.com™ describes the soundtrack as “some of the most unique and powerful film music of the last decade. With Furiosa, Holkenborg takes the sonic landscape and shifts into higher gear with the loudest revving-engine of a score you’ve ever heard, absolutely pulsating with ferocity and white-knuckle tension.” I’ll say — with track titles like “You’re Scum”, “The Bullet Farm” and “The Darkest of Gods”, this ain’t no Taylor Swift party-mix.

Here’s what goes down in Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga (the fifth installment): “As the world fell, Furiosa is snatched from the Green Place of Many Mothers and falls into the hands of a great Biker Horde led by the Warlord Dementus. Sweeping through the Wasteland, they come across the Citadel presided over by The Immortan Joe. While the two Tyrants war for dominance, Furiosa must survive many trials as she puts together the means to find her way home.” In Mad Max, they fought over gasoline. Now they’re fighting over a girl. The future ain’t what it used to be.

So while we all grab this 140 gram exclusive color vinyl in slick tri-fold packaging for $45 (click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have soundtrack music as catchy as “You’re Scum”…

SQUIRM / Out now (VOD)

“A Catholic priest in a small town village is beginning to tire of receiving the local villagers tedious confessions when a sudden death shakes the seaside community, things spin out of control.”

Not to be confused with the 1976 horror movie of the same name. That one had worms in it. A LOT of worms. I hope this one has worms in it. Doesn’t need to be a lot. A handful or two would be nice.

ERECTING A MONSTER 3: THE RESERECTION / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Victor is living with the trauma of the past while trying to move forward. He decides to transition into a woman but cannot get the necessary surgery because she does not have the skin of the penis to be shaped into a vagina. Her friend reminds her that her schlong is buried nearby, and they can dig it up in order to do the surgery. They dig it up and accidentally resurrect it. Now the dong is going around eating people and growing. They must once again stop it before it grows to gigantic proportions.”

There is literally nothing I could add to this that would make it any better than it already is.

BITCHES GIVING STITCHES / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

Three unassuming ladies are heading to a party on Halloween night when they are suddenly apprehended by a mysterious cult and dragged into their lair. In the cult’s eerie underground chamber it’s revealed that one of their boyfriends has made a sinister deal with the Devil. Faced with imminent danger, the girls must summon all their courage to brave the cult’s dark threats. But in a chilling turn of events, the cult discovers that sometimes dangerous things come in the most unlikely of packages.”

Guess whose boyfriend is not getting laid tonight?

MARTIAN GIRL MASSACRE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Four 20-somethings travel to an Airbnb™ for a quick getaway. What they don’t expect is a strange creature to be roaming the backyard and turning one of them into a vicious killer.”

I’ve stayed in Airbnb™ places before and never once encountered a strange creature roaming the backyard. I want my money back. 

Pools of Dead, Extraterrestrial Giants, Cemetery Vampire

The highly-anticipated Deadpool & Wolverine anti-superhero movie premiers July 26, 2024 and promises to be more violent, more bloody and, if it’s even possible, more funny. After watching the movie’s trailers, looks like they easily have that in the bag. With that, here are a four Deadpool & Wolverine sales sheets to get you juiced up for what is sure to be a box office nut punch.

Here’s a few things about Deadpool & Wolverine that you might not be aware of (SPOILER ALERT): The creature Alioth, who you know from the MCU TV series Loki, makes an appearance, as does Sabretooth, Lady Deathstrike, Toad, Azreal, Cassandra Nova, Paradox — a Time Variance Authority (TVA) agent (see Loki), and Thor, via re-purposed archival footage from Avengers: Infinity War (2018). There’s more I shouldn’t say out loud so as not to further blow all the cameos. Coolest of all, we’ll get to meet Dogpool, a canine variant of the mutated Wade Wilson/Deadpool. 

A few fun facts: Deadpool & Wolverine was directed, co-written and co-produced by Shawn Levy, who, as you know, is primary producer of the massive hit Netflix™ series Stranger Things. Wolverine wears the famous yellow and blue costume from X-Men: The Animated Series (1992–1997) and comic books, specifically Astonishing X-Men Volume 3 (2004 — 2013). And leggy songstress/mega-star Taylor Swift was supposed to make a cameo appearance as Dazzler, but that did not come to fruition. Dodged that bullet.

So while we all re-watch Deadpool & Wolverine’s trailers and impatiently wait for more sales sheets, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have Taylor Swift — or a mutated dog — in ’em…

MONSTERS BATTLEFIELD / Out now (YouTube™)

Ye Qin, the fiancée of Qin Yang, a heroic soldier, died tragically after encountering an unknown giant beast. Gu Ping invited him to participate in Ye Qin’s scientific research during his lifetime. But Gu Ping secretly used Ye Qin’s research results to combine the genes of unknown giant beasts to create the ‘zero’ dragon-shaped creature. Between the intelligent dragon-shaped creatures and an extraterrestrial giant beast that evolved by devouring everything in their path, an urban war is about to break out.”

This one came out in China in 2021, but it’s just now available to the US — for FREE, no less. For completists, this was originally called, Alien Beast Battlefield. I’m on the fence as to which title I most prefer, though if it were up to me, I’d name it Dragon-Shaped Creature.

ROTTEN, WELCOME TO THE FREAK SHOW / Out now (VOD)

“A young boy with a skin disease is bullied by classmates before being attacked and left for dead. Rescued by a side show ringmaster the legend of Rotten is born. As the past surfaces, Rotten plots his revenge.”

Is this the kid of the Elephant Man? If so, wonder who the mom was and how many cocktail peanuts E-Man had to get her loaded on to make trunk happen?

THE HIGHGATE VAMPYRE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

Documentary filmmakers investigate reports of a bloodsucker at Highgate Cemetery in North London. While filming at the graveyard, they witness paranormal activity and encounter the legendary Vampyre of Highgate.”

They encounter the same guy the movie is named after? What are the odds?

FRENZY MOON / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Six college students and one mysterious stranger spend a terrifying night battling a pack of werewolves in an isolated cabin.”

This one’s being described as John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982) meets The Howling (1981). Still, I liked this better when it was called Dog Soldiers (2002).

Zombie Trilogy, Dying To Date, Horror Rubbish

Platinum-selling heavy metal ghoul Rob Zombie is a singer, songwriter, record producer, video director, filmmaker and actor. His latest flick (as of this power blogging) is 2022’s The Munsters, which was a big hit on Netflix™, the streaming movie service that now charges you to not have commercials f’ing up your TV binging life.

Of the eight movies Sir Zombie has done, it’s the Firefly horror trilogy that sticks in your through like half-swallowed, freshness-expired meat: Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses (2003), The Devil’s Rejects (2005), and 3 from Hell (2019). And now there’s a book about ’em called House of Rejects: The Making of Rob Zombie’s Firefly Trilogy is available now in hardcover, paperback, and e-book via Harker Press™. 

From the sales pitch: “The 342-page book is written by Dustin McNeill (Slash of the Titans: The Road to Freddy vs Jason, Taking Shape: Developing Halloween from Script to Scream). House of Rejects features exclusive cast and crew interviews, rare behind-the-scenes photos, extensive rundowns of early script drafts, insights on deleted scenes, and more.” FYI: You’ll need to to have prior reading skills to get the full experience. If so, click this obtain a copy.

So while we all purchase the book and read it without moving our lips, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi/fantasy movies/TV series that may or may not be better than freshness-expired meat…

LOKI (SEASON 2) / October 6, 2023 (Disney+™)

“The second season of the television series Loki, based on Marvel Comics™ featuring the character of the same name, sees Loki working with Mobius M. Mobius, Hunter B-15, and other members of the Time Variance Authority (TVA) to navigate the multiverse in order to find Sylvie, Ravonna Renslayer, and Miss Minutes.”

As cool as Loki is (more so than his surfer model brother, Thor), Miss Minutes is the breakout star. And she’s a cartoon!

SOUL MATES / October 20, 2023 (Limited Theaters)

“Jason and Allison — two unsuspecting strangers — find themselves participants in a twisted new dating service, led by the Matchmaker, who forces the two singles inside a nightmarish maze designed to help them find their soul mate — or die trying.

Date, mate, lacerate.

BLACK NOISE / November 3, 2023 (VOD)

“An elite team of security contractors are hired to rescue a VIP from an isolated island estate, only to arrive and find a mostly empty island, save for opposing masked gunmen and a mysterious siren sound that drives them all to the brink of insanity.”

And that mysterious siren sound is EDM. That annoying repetitive crap will drive anyone normal to the brink of insanity.

WHEN THE TRASH MAN KNOCKS / November 10, 2023 (VOD)

“The idyllic Thanksgiving celebration of a small Southern town takes a harrowing turn when the deranged killer known as the Trash Man resurfaces. He’s on a mission to craft his own macabre family by using the body parts of his unfortunate victims, forcing a mother and her son to confront their deepest and darkest fears.”

I hope Trash Man isn’t a…waste…of time Heh.

Superhero Happy Hour, Heavy Metal Aliens, Giant Hunters

Not many drinkers know this, but the origins of the word “cocktail” has long been debated/argued/disputed. According to Modern Drunkard magazine, “The first recorded use of cocktail not referring to a horse is found in The Morning Post and Gazetteer in London, England, March 20, 1798.” Conversely, The Oxford English Dictionary cites the word as originating in the U.S. The first recorded use of cocktail as a beverage (possibly non-alcoholic) in the United States appears in The Farmer’s Cabinet, April 28, 1803.” Regardless of who gets bragging rights, were a better. more civilized world because of cocktails.

There have been one trillion themed cocktails created since — and continues its humanity-enhancing sprawl. The latest trend is to make superhero-themed cocktails, with libations being created in tribute to Spider-Man, Iron Man, Black Widow, Thor, Thanos, Suicide Squad, Wonder Woman, Doctor Strange, The Hulk, The Avengers, and countless more. Spider-Man may have gotten his powers after being bitten by a radioactive spider, but for the rest of us, our super powers can be traced back to being bitten by tequila, whiskey, vodka, and empowering cases of beer. 

Recipes for these colorful concoctions are all over Pinterest™, but I tried the Thor “Stormbreaker” cocktail and a few of these will leave you feeling thor-oughly “hammered.” Heh. Here’s what it contains: Crown Royal, Cherry Spiced Rum, Amaretto, and Cranberry juice, with silver shimmer dust and gold cake sprinkles…for the glass rim, of course. While you click this to get the recipe, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not be made better with simple syrup and lightly crushed ice… 

ALIENS UNCOVERED: THE GOLDEN RECORD / July 4, 2023 (VOD)

“In the late 70s, the US government sent a message to our distant neighbors. Twenty years later, the response we received sparked the biggest UFO sighting in history. In present day, the Pentagon™ confirms Alien mothership could be sending probes to Earth. Could this be the same mothership that showed up during an event that was nine times stronger than the Carrington event? The answer to that question could be hidden deep in Arizona’s High Desert.”

The title is in reference to the Golden Records (that’s plural as there are two) that were shat into space aboard Voyager spacecraft in 1977. Here’s what a pre-recorded NASA™ answering machine message told me when I butt-dialed ‘em: “The records contain sounds and images selected to portray the diversity of life and culture on Earth, and are intended for any intelligent extraterrestrial life form who may find them.” B-o-r-i-n-g. Motörhead released their first album in 1977. Had we sent that record instead, aliens would be coming here in party shuttles by the droves. No sleep ‘til Uranus.

CABIN GIRL / Release pending July 2023 (Tubi™)

“Twenty-four-year-old online influencer Ava Robbins moves into an isolated cabin. But what seemed like a dream come true soon turns into a living nightmare when Ava’s interest in the supernatural triggers a series of weird events. She discovers the home has a dark history and becomes haunted by a troubled spirit.

Sounds like a boring social media version of The Evil Dead (1981).

WE HUNT GIANTS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In a world where cavemen and dinosaurs share the world, a tribe is plagued by a man-eating giant T-Rex that hunts them all. Rougu, the son of the village chief, has had his woman and the whole village captured by the witch doctor’s tribe in the same area. They believe that the only way to calm the beast is to sacrifice her beautiful flesh. Rougu and his father realize that the only way to save his woman and their village is to do what no man has ever done before…hunt the giant.”

Rougu should team up with that barely-teen chick in I Kill Giants (2017). She singlehandedly took down an ocean titan with a massive, glowing war hammer she pulled out of her Hello Kitty™ handbag. Badass.

THE DEVIL’S LEFT HAND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A demonic entity breaches a Medium at a young couple’s housewarming party, wreaking havoc and terrifying the attendees. After the party, the entity begins stalking the guests. They attempt to fight back, but don’t know who they can trust as the demon can shape-shift and appear to be anyone. The stakes grow higher when the demon begins killing them, one by one.”

If I was a shape-shifting demon at a house warming party, I’d shape myself to look like stylish pottery from Crate & Barrel™ and then demon-up when they’re about to chow down on some trendy party platters, and scare the potting soil right outta them. Heh.

Lunar Liquor, Undead Liberation, Mutated Gophers

For a mere pittance of $75,000.00 you can get a bottle of space whiskey, bourbon that’s been aged in space for a year. You’d think that concept was total science fiction, but it’s happening for real when Mystic Farm & Distillery™ in Durham, NC launches barrels of Galactic into outer space to ferment (or whatever bourbon does to turn into its magical self), and come back to Earth to make a splashdown in our cocktail glasses. Or sippy cups.

Notes of interest from the press release: “Galactic™ is made from a mash bill of 55 percent corn and 45 percent wheat (the grains are grown specifically for the distillery in Hillsborough, NC). The bourbon is currently aging in new charred oak 53-gallon barrels, which will be fortified with titanium hoops before being sent into space to ensure that they survive the journey. The whiskey will have to be dumped and then re-barreled into these same barrels before launch.” FYI: This Happy Hour for those flush with fun coupons is limited to 1,000 bottles. 

You also get your bottle deposit back if the bourbon doesn’t make it through re-entry, or if extraterrestrials hijack the bounty and throw one helluva out-of-this-world Spring Break party on the moon or…Uranus. (Sorry — can’t help myself.) So while we drink a more down-to-Earth priced hooch (Leaf.TV says mass-market bourbon should never cost more than $25 per bottle), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as fun as getting drunk in outer space…

THE GROVE / Out now (Wicked Horror TV™), Summer 2023 (Mainstream VOD)

“Larry investigates the infamous Grove Hotel to uncover the circumstances surrounding his girlfriend Sarah’s mysterious death.”

In place of my usual snarky/pithy comments, this one was made by Futures Explored Film and Media Studio, which is a film school for adults with developmental disabilities. Most of the proceeds from the film go toward supporting the school and its mission. Check ’em out here.

STAN LEE / June 16, 2023 (Disney+™)

“Stan Lee will delve into the story of the titular man and his time and legacy at Marvel. It features clips and snippets from interviews with Stan Lee from over the years, as well as interviews with people who were close to him. Stan Lee was known as one of the most well-known names in comics for his time as a writer, editor, publisher, and producer at Marvel Comics. Before he passed in 2018, Lee would frequently make cameo appearances in Marvel Cinematic Universe movies. Some of his most famed collaborators include Jack Kirby, Steve Ditko, and John Romita.”

Stan co-created Spider-Man, the X-Men, Iron Man, Thor, the Hulk, Ant-Man, the Wasp, the Fantastic Four, Black Panther, Daredevil, Doctor Strange, the Scarlet Witch, and Black Widow. I demand this documentary win an Academy Award™.

POOR THINGS / September 8, 2023 (Theaters)

“Bella Baxter, a young woman, is brought back to life by scientist Dr. Godwin Baxter. Under Baxter’s protection, Bella is eager to learn. Wanting to see more of the world, Bella runs off with Duncan Wedderburn, a slick and debauched lawyer, and travels across continents. Free from the prejudices of her times, Bella demands equality and liberation.”

And that’s Ms. Frankenstein to you.

CADDY HACK / October 2023 (VOD)

“A struggling golf course suffers a string of caddy murders at the paws of pesticide-mutated gophers, while the greedy owner of the facility tries to cover up the carnage and an unhinged groundskeeper wages all-out war on the vicious vermin.”

A nice twist on Caddy Shack (1980), one of the greatest movies ever made in the history of ever, made even more so with Al Czervik’s (Rodney Dangerfield) famous retort, “He called me a baboon — he thinks I’m his wife.” Priceless.

Monster Auction, Pharmaceutical Felines, Terrible Whales

Got a few hundred thousand spare bitcoin laying around? Then you might wanna head over to PropstoreAuction and get your fan freak on at all the cool movie memorabilia going up for grabs in Los Angeles, June 28 — 30, 2023. And you can preorder the auction catalog for a wallet-stopping $60 to see all the horror/sci-fi/fantasy movie props going up on the auction chopping block. (click here)

Want the evil clown doll from Poltergeist (1982)? It’s expected to bid out between $200,000 to $400,000. Carrie Fisher’s Princess Leia dress from the original Star Wars movies and the Batpod used by Christian Bale in The Dark Knight (2008)? Yeah, projected to fetch around $2,000,000 each. Need Harry Potter’s distressed costume with glasses from 2002’s Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets? Expensive, but you do need a new enchanted bathrobe, yes?

Other props include Jason Voorhees’ hockey mask from Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988), Thor’s cracked Mjolnir hammer used by both Natalie Portman and Chris Hemsworth in 2022’s Thor: Love and Thunder, one of Harrison Ford’s costumes from Blade Runner (1982), and that super scary spider head from John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982).

From PropstoreAuction’s website: “Propstore is holding a preview exhibition at its office facility in Valencia, CA by appointment from May 29 to June 20. The exhibition will feature over 80 lots, giving fans and hopeful bidders the chance to see props and costumes from the auction up close and ask questions to the specialists.” Click here for more info than I have time to include.

So while we all fantasize about driving the Batpod to the store while wearing Princess Lei’s dress and Jason’s hockey mask, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as super scary as a spider head…

COCAINE COUGAR / Out now (DVD/Blu-ray), Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A cougar high on cocaine escapes an animal testing facility and wrecks havoc on Los Angeles.”

Cougars in L.A. doing cocaine? When haven’t they? 

MOTHER, MAY I? / July 21, 2023 (VOD)

“Emmett wants to clean and flip his recently deceased mother’s house: get in, get out, and avoid any trauma still lingering from when she abandoned him as a young child. Anya, his fiancé, see’s this as an opportunity to finally force Emmett to deal with his trauma because she believes it is preventing him from being the partner she needs. So she convinces him to take mushrooms to get him to let go. But something strange happens while they’re tripping: she starts behaving like his mother. The next morning he wakes up sober, but she still won’t drop the act. Anya loves playing games — is this her taking it too far? Or did his mother’s spirit somehow possess her?”

This is what happens when you take drugs. Stick to beer and stay out of trouble. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

WHALE GOD / Release pending 2023 (VOD/DVD/Blu-ray™)

“Once a year, the quiet fishing village of Wadaura in Southern Japan is in a turmoil. The whalers have always concentrated their efforts to try and catch a Killer Whale which is easily twice as large as an ordinary leviathan, and passes by in the offing at the same time every year. Shaki, whose grandfather, father, and elder brother were all victims of the Killer Whale, is determined to kill it. As an inducement, the headman of the village promises to give his only daughter and all his possessions to anyone who succeeds in disposing of the terrible whale.”

This one came out in Japan in 1962 marketed under the generic title, Killer Whale. Now, six decades later, we’re finally gonna be able to see this lost Kaiju movie, with the title amphibian being a practical special effect and, get this, built to scale! Watch the trailer on YouTube™ to see how b*tchin’ cool this Orcinus orca is.

THE MOVERS / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A close-knit family who moves into a seemingly charming neighborhood, only to discover all is not what it appears. As they face persistent threats, the family begins to question their reality and the world around them. It’s a nightmarish universe of deceiving angels and compassionate demons, lost souls desperately seeking a way out.”

I live in a seemingly charming neighborhood as well, and it has a deceiving angel (me) and compassionate demons (Amazon™ delivery people). 

More Sharks, A Few Killers, A Bunch of Superheroes

Been watching a lot of trailers for the spring/summer movie season. The two I really spazz out over are the ones for Justice League and Wonder Woman. (By the way, you can buy Wonder Woman stamps at the post office. I often go there to see if my picture has yet to be added to the wall.)

The one that isn’t doing a thing for me is the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. It looks like a half-assed version of the first movie, which came out in 2014. Getting a chuckle, though from the new Thor: Ragnarok trailer. Big T faces down the Hulk in some sort of forced battle arena (i.e., Christians vs. The Lions pay-per-view, 80 A.D.)

Speaking of chuckling, here’s some upcoming horror movies that by definition should make you laugh, since there hasn’t been a really scary movie since The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966). And no, The Blair Witch Project (1999) wasn’t remotely scary. Don’t believe the hype.

47 METERS DOWN (June 6, 2017)
“On the rebound after a devastating break-up, Lisa is ready for adventure while on vacation in Mexico. Even still, she needs a little extra persuasion when her daring sister suggests they go shark diving with some locals. Once underwater in a protective cage, Lisa and Kate catch a once in a lifetime, face-to-face look at majestic Great Whites. But when their worst fears are realized and the cage breaks away from their boat, they find themselves plummeting to the bottom of the seabed, too deep to radio for help without making themselves vulnerable to the savage sharks, their oxygen supplies rapidly dwindling.”

Yes, you’re, like, double correct; I previewed this on June 30, 2016. I had just combed my hair in a stylish fashion. But that was when they title the movie In The Deep, which sucks clam juice. They changed it to that from 47 Meters Down. Now they changed it back. Geez, pick a lane, Lois. And they changed the key art AGAIN, but this time it’s better than the Art Institute™ version it was before. It’s also a year late in getting in front of my attentive eyeballs. Better get here soon; I’m getting the urge to comb my hair again.

POLAROID (August 25, 2017)
“High school loner Bird Fitcher has no idea what dark secrets are tied to the Polaroid™ vintage camera she stumbles upon, but it doesn’t take long to discover that those who have their picture taken meet a tragic end.”

This one echoes Stephen King’s 1990 novella “The Sun Dog” from his Four Past Midnight collection.  If you haven’t read it, you probably should. Haunted Polaroid™ in that one as well. And it’s okay to move your lips whilst reading it. I do it all the time, even when I’m typing. Feels like I’m having a friendly conversation with my self. As for the camera that kills, let’s give it to all those selfie-prone people. On that subject — stop taking pictures of yourself; you’re not as good looking as you think. And quit sucking in your cheeks and pursing your lips — you look like a Grouper fish about to take the bait.

DEEP IN THE WOODS (September 27, 2017)
“Tommi, a 4-year-old child, disappears during an annual Krampus festival. Five years later, a child was found nameless and without documents. DNA matches — he is Tommi. Manuel, the father, can finally embrace his son. The mother, Linda, however, cannot adapt to the new situation. As suspicion digs inside her: what if that child is not really her son?”

It’s probably Tommi, but he’s likely p.o.’d that they didn’t finish spelling his name before sending him out into the woods to gather Krampus snacks. Wonder if he’s possessed by the spirit of the Pine Cone King? Hey, if you believe in Krampus, you’d probably fall for anything.

DOWNHILL (October 10, 2016 / UK / 2017 U.S.)
“After his best friend dies in a racing accident, biking star Joe agrees to go back on the wheels for an exhibition in Chile. On a test run with his girlfriend Stephanie, they stumble upon a badly injured man dying from a mysterious virus. That’s the start of a very bad day for them as they become the target of relentless killers ready to do anything to keep their secret from going out of the mountains.”

This one came out in England in October 2016. Looked for it in non-British places, but have yet to find it. So yeah, biking horror. There’s something new-ish. I bet the dying guy was infected with boredom. Or a hickey from the (wait for it)…PINE CONE KING! Now there’s a horror movie worth pursuing.

Pilfering Horror & Sci-Fi

Led Zeppelin is getting sued for $40 million for “stealing” the opening riff that was used to create “Stairway to Heaven.” Asylum Studios – who have been outright stealing movie ideas/plots and slightly modifying the titles – get rewarded with a 15% percent profit margin on blatantly plagiarized horror/sci-fi knock-offs. Led Zeppelin should hire Asylum’s attorneys.

We’ve all seen Asylum’s robbery techniques: Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies (ripping off Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter), Transmorphers (ripping off Transformers), The Day The Earth Stopped (ripping off The Day The World Stood Still), Battle of Los Angeles (ripping off Battle: Los Angeles), and so many more, you almost can’t keep track.

Asylum continues the business model with Independents’ Day, which is set for release (June 7, 2016) in front of (!) Independence Day: Resurgence (June 24, 2016), the sequel to the 1996 blockbuster, Independence Day. And because Asylum makes these movies on the cheap (usually around $250,000.00 – and uses the SyFy Channel™ as a primary garbage delivery system – there’s no way they can’t make money.

So how much bling are we talkin’? According to Forbes Business™, averaging around $150k per film. For a studio that doesn’t have to invest any money in the creative department and cranks out between 25 and 30 “movies” a year, that adds up. As Forbes™ reports, $12 million a year in greasy gained wallet stuffers.

To be fair, not all of Asylum’s, movies are “mockumentaries.” But since the appetite for ultra low-grade cheese like Almighty Thor is insatiable, Asylum will continue to bold-face rip off intellectual properties and keeping climbing their own stairway to heaven – even though it was already built by somebody else.

Blubbering: The Horror of Whales

Even though it’s universally considered to be an American literature classic, the 1851 Herman Melville novel Moby Dick (or The Whale) was in fact the first “nature strikes back” horror story.

You had the maniacal, revenge-seeking Captain Ahab, the original slasher (except he wielded a harpoon and not a hockey mask and a machete), relentlessly pursing Moby Dick (a name used by more than one male porn star), a gigantic whale that wrecked Ahab’s Sea-doo™ and bit the crazy captain’s leg clean off. (Reports are sketchy as to whether it was his right or left leg. Maybe it was both.)

Just like Victor Frankenstein psychotically tracking his creationist monster through the Black Sea and meeting up in the Arctic Circle for the ultimate pay-per-view, both stories did not conclude well for Ahab and Victor.

So the timeless horror classic is headed for the Imax™ screen in the form of In The Heart of the Sea (releasing December 11, 2015), a movie telling the story that inspired Moby Dick and features Thor (Chris Hemsworth) himself, trading in his Mjölnir (or “hammer”) for a whaler’s harpoon. Not really a spoiler, we kinda already know how this is gonna end up – humans will be recycled as whale poo.

Here’s the plot: “In 1820, crewmen aboard the New England vessel Essex face a harrowing battle for survival when a whale of mammoth size and strength attacks with force, crippling their ship and leaving them adrift in the ocean. Pushed to their limits and facing storms, starvation, panic and despair, the survivors must resort to the unthinkable to stay alive.”

One can only imagine what the “resorting to the unthinkable” stuff is to stay alive. If it’s anything like Free Willy 3: Packed In Spring Water, I think we all know the gory conclusion.