Archive for gore

Confederate Cannibals

Posted in Classic Horror, Misc. Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams

2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams (2010) is a remake of the 1964 splatter classic, Two Thousand Maniacs! and sequel to 2001 Maniacs (2005), in which tourists/travelers are re-routed to the small town of Pleasant Valley, where they are tortured, sliced, diced and put on ice by the locals paying tribute 2001 Confederate rebel-rousers who were slaughtered 150 years ago during the aptly-named Civil War.

2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams

Business hasn’t been good for Pleasant Valley as of late, so they take their Guts ’n Glory Jamboree on the road. Just a lucky break to run into a bus load of ingratiating douche bags filming the reality series, Road Rascals. If there was anyone who deserved to pointy end of a meat cleaver, it’s these annoying a**wipes.

2001 Maniacs: Filed of Screams

The gore is disappointing at best, given its heritage; I’ve seen more blood at hockey matches. The cannibal scene leaves you wanting seconds and the kid who gets impaled on an iron pole, still manages to get up and walk around. Yeah, this is supposed to be a horror comedy, and while there are a few funny bits (sex with sheep — a knee slapper every time), the dialogue, more painful than the deaths themselves.

2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams

Lots of boobies and faux sex scenes, one of which is an old granny being ridden like a hobby horse. To that I say ick. Horror icon Bill Moseley as Pleasant Valley’s Mayor Buckman, is in fine hammy form, though his Southern accent sounds a bit too Northern. If you’re looking for blood, there’s a splatter here, a splatter there. If you’re looking for hard-core gore, you’ll have to go back to 1964 to find it.

Sex With Clones

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Species II

Eve (formerly Sil), sci-fi’s hottest chick this side of Barbarella (1968), is back in Species II (1998), a limp hot dog sequel of intergalactic humping and scientific horror.

Species II

A crew on a flight to Mars is infected after they pick up soil samples loaded with alien DNA love snot. The contagious spore makes the shuttlenauts hornier than the last call crowd at Chuck & Sally’s Tavern™. One of the space guys goes around mmmbopping every gal he can get his pod on.

Species II

After a relaxing smoke and a 90-second gestation period, an alien offspring springs out of the host with a splashy, gory exit/entrance. It doesn’t have to be said that this is neat. The flawlessly beautiful Natasha Henstridge, returning as Eve (grown as a clone of herself), feels the need to breed with the spewing space boy to create a super-sized alien.

Species II

The big problem here is that Eve doesn’t drop top until the very end of the movie. Even then we only get a glimpse of the genetic jackpot that is her. Heck, she ran around buck naked throughout the entire first flick (Species/1995). When will major movie studios learn that bare booty equals boffo box office?

Tasty Body Modifications

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Splatter: Naked Blood

In the super gory Splatter: Naked Blood (1995), three hot young Asian chicks offer their firmness up to science for an experiment that will be a boon to mankind — a drug that will make them not want to wear bras. OK, that’s not exactly it, but this Japanese movie is sub-titled and I can’t really read.

Splatter: Naked Blood

One chick is unable to sleep, another obsessed with food, the other addicted to clothes and beauty products. In other words, just average chicks. But the woman scientist’s 17-year-old son, a prodigy scientist, has secretly mixed his experimental drug in with his mom’s drug, and it’s unknowingly administered to the hotties. It’s a super endorphin that boosts the brain’s pain-killing chemical and makes everyone happy and not depressed. People, beer can do the same thing without needles or surgery gowns where your butt shows.

Splatter: Naked Blood

The drug’s effect happens almost innocently, with the food chick accidentally cutting her finger while preparing a succulent repast of tempura squid. Sucking the blood out of her wound, she starts to feel…aroused. Staring at a pot of boiling oil on her stove, she gets the idea to dip her hand into the tempura mixture and then deep-fry her hand. Tempura cooks quickly (about two to three minutes, or until golden brown) and she’s ready to take a bite.

Splatter: Naked Blood

Therein lies the movie’s genius plot: the endorphin chemical turns pain into sexual pleasure. (Now you know why we drink beer.) What began as a slow-moving flick about nothing suddenly turns down a dark road, with the food chick — fork and knife in hand and sitting on the dinner table half naked — starts cutting bite-sized morsels out of the area normally used for outgoing mail. Then she feasts upon said bite-sized morsels.

Splatter: Naked Blood

Seeing her reflection in the knife blade, she gets another idea: stab said eye with said fork and force it out with said knife. All of this, it should be noted, is done without the camera moving away and is brutally and realistically graphic. So much so, it’ll probably turn you off to eating your own eye.

Splatter: Naked Blood

And the scientist mom? Someone cut a portal so big in her gut as to allow her dead husband to crawl into. (Don’t ask — just watch.) The gore is magnificent and lives up to the movie’s title of splattering and being naked, so really, the plot is all but there to pass the time.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I got a hankerin’ for some elbow macaroni.

Swamp Monsters, Disposable Vampires and Boobs

Posted in Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Attacked On Set

Six months of non-stop rain and dreariness. Seattle weather could qualify as its own horror movie. So why do I continue to live here instead of, say, the Atacama Desert in South America, the driest desert in the world? For one thing, I would not want sand beetles as neighbors. Too noisy.

Anyway, here’s some stay-indoor upcoming horror movies to help take your mind off the stupid weather…

ATTACKED ON SET (March 21, 2017)
“When these girls lay down, things stand up. A perfect mixture of comedy, gore and campiness with lots of boobs and blood.”

Despite having one of the worst horror movie titles (and press releases) going, I do look forward to the boobular aspect of said dumbly named flick.

Vampire Cleanup Department

VAMPIRE CLEANUP DEPARTMENT (2017)
Vampires have been haunting Hong Kong for centuries. Because of this, hidden in this city is an official special action unit coping with them — the Vampire Cleanup Department (VCD). The street cleaners out at night are actually vampire hunters, their giant garbage bins containing the captured vampires. The ordinary garbage station is their secret headquarter.”

So to get rid of vampires all you have to do is throw ‘em in the garbage? Seems too easy; do you need to have garlic-flavored garbage bags lining said can? Should you throw your silverware in the trash along with said disposable vampires? That begs the question — are vampires recyclable? Hope so. Wouldn’t be cool to have landfills overflowing with discarded vampires.

Swamp Freak

SWAMP FREAK (2017)
“Six college students go into the wetlands to find their missing professor after he takes off in search of the mythical and deadly monster known as the Swamp Freak.”

Not to be confused with Field Freak (2016), which also features a mythical and deadly creature. Maybe they’re cousins.

Mayhem

MAYHEM (2017)
“A virus infects a corporate law office on the day attorney Derek Saunders is framed by a co-worker and wrongfully fired. The infection is capable of making people act out their wildest impulses. Trapped in the quarantined building, our hero is forced to savagely fight tooth and nail for not only his job but his life.”

Time to leave the corporate world and get a job with the less violent Vampire Cleanup Department.

Demonic Possession, Cults and Candy

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 16, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Snare

Five more impending horror movies to distract you from life’s real horrors, i.e. Republicans

THE SNARE (January 6, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“Three friends head to the seafront for a drunken weekend, only to be imprisoned on the top floor of their holiday apartment by a malevolent paranormal force.”

They had me at “drunken weekend.” And it looks like “malevolent paranormal force” is living up to its name; if everyone’s in lock-down there’s no way to go on a beer run. Paranormal forces can be so malevolent.

We Are The Flesh

WE ARE THE FLESH (Limited theatrical/January 13, 2017)
“After the end of the world, a young brother and sister roam an apocalyptic city looking for food and shelter. They take refuge in the dilapidated lair of a strange hermit who makes them a dangerous offer to survive. He puts them to work building a bizarre cavernous structure, where he acts out his insane and depraved fantasies. Trapped in a maddening womb-like world under his malign influence, they find themselves sinking into the realms of dark and forbidden behavior.”

Is this made-in-Mexico art house horror movie (aka, Tenemos la carne (translation: We Have The Meat) about zombies? Cannibals? Republicans? WATF is said to be loaded with explicit gore and horizontal boppin’. Variety.com has this to say about it: “Sex scenes are shot with frank delight…” Thinkin’ I’ll change my name to Frank Delight.

Killer Pinata

KILLER PINATA (January 17, 2017)
“A possessed piñata, seeking to avenge the savagery that humanity has inflicted on his kind, picks off a group of friends, one by one, in an unending night of terror.”

Not sure how they’re gonna make a piñata a figurehead of evil. How anything loaded with candy and small, easily swallowable novelty toys be bad is beyond me.

Dead West

DEAD WEST (February 7, 2017)
“A charismatic outlaw sets out on a murderous cross-country trip searching for true love. Each time he thinks he has found ‘the one,’ he ends up disappointed — and she ends up dead. Managing to elude capture by traveling from one town to the next, his luck runs out when Tony, the brother of one of his victims, tracks him down. Suddenly the hunter becomes the hunted as Tony seeks vengeance by enforcing his own brand of vigilante justice.”

Yeesh, what a picky guy. For the record, there are tons of eligible ladies at the bowling alley — and they’re all wearing nice shoes.

Jackals

JACKALS (2017)
“Set in the 1980s, an estranged family hires a cult deprogrammer to take back their teenage son from a murderous cult, but find themselves under siege when the cultists surround their cabin, demanding the boy back.”

He’s a teenager. Give him to the cultists. Your lives will be the better for it.

British Zombie Bikers

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Psychomania

The rules are simple: make a deal with the devil and you get immortality and candy. Break a deal with the devil and you get turned into a frog and eat house flies and grub worms for all eternity. (I’ve only eaten gummi worms, so probably gonna pass on any deal-breaking.)

Psychomania

That’s the premise of the British zombie biker horror oddity, Psychomania (aka, The Death Wheelers/1973). But the young, heck-raising youths wearing spook masks and mocking traffic laws who each commit suicide so that they can come back from the dead in “forever in blue jeans,” think being dead is fun. In fact, it suits them, as their motorcycle gang name is The Living Dead. Cute.

Psychomania

Tom, the gang’s uncombed leader, loves black magic. He was tainted by evil as a crib rat when his mom made an immortality pact with the devil. Now that he’s old enough to make his own satanic bargains, Tom kills himself and returns exactly as he was prior to the expire (no rotting faces or unbrushed teeth), and convinces the rest of the direction-less youth to do the same.

Psychomania

How the gang commits suicide is not very imaginative or graphic: Jumping out of a plane and not pulling the parachute cord, wrapping oneself in chains attached to a cement brick and taking swimming lessons, jumping out of a hi-rise window, driving face first into oncoming traffic… If you waver, you actually die and don’t get to rejoin your zombie biker brothers and their quest to be bothersome to the community.

Psychomania

They drive their motorbikes into the grocery store (punks – there’s tons of parking outside), crashing into carefully stacked canned goods (good marketing). Then they drive into a police station holding a few of their rapscallion pals in conjunction with murder (lots of bloodless associative deaths) and break them out. Then they meet at a fog-drenched place called “The Seven Witches” (a field filled with standing stones) and question one members’ lack of pact. It’s Tom’s girlfriend. She tried offing herself with pills, but goofed up with the goofers and didn’t die. Now Tom and the gang want to die her for good.

Psychomania

Meanwhile, Tom’s mom has had enough of her son’s troubleness and summons the devil (some old guy in a suit, with a sword and a jeweled magic ring) to renege on their arrangement. She’s warned about the whole “frog for eternity” thing, but she doesn’t care — just get it over with and stop that Tom.

Psychomania

With absolutely no blood, gore or even salty language, Pyschomania wraps up with The Living Dead turning into cocooned corpses and finally into stones, which the devil further augments his collection, which he keeps in “The Seven Witches” front lawn. And Tom’s girlfriend who was about to be killed? She’s now single, but lives to die another day.

The Horror of Pregnancy and Meatballs

Posted in Bigfoot, Evil, Fantasy, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shelly

All these new horror movies coming out, and yet I get the nagging feeling I’ve seen ’em all before. Maybe I did in a previous life. Hey, that might make a good idea for a horror movie!

SHELLY (out now VOD / December 13, 2016 / DVD)
“An unholy force takes root in an expectant mother’s womb in this eerie, dread-inducing shocker. Privileged, nouveau-eco-hippies Louise and Kasper live off the grid in a remote home in the woods. Unable to conceive, the couple arranges for their immigrant maid, Elena, to act as a surrogate mother in exchange for payment. But as Elena becomes mysteriously sicker with each passing day, fears mount about what may be growing inside her.”

Rosemary's Baby

Sounds a bit like Rosemary’s Baby (1968). Looks like Rosemary’s Baby, too. That one didn’t have nouveau-eco-hippies, though. Shelly should get Elena a midwife familiar with the birthing techniques of evil. And on the day she pops, it might be nice to have black towels handy lest any evil leakings get on the rug. (That stuff is hard to get out of shag carpeting.)

Claire In Motion

CLAIRE IN MOTION (January 13, 2017)
“Three weeks after Claire’s husband has mysteriously disappeared, the police have ended their investigation and her son is beginning to grieve. The only person who hasn’t given up is Claire. Soon she discovers his troubling secrets, including an alluring yet manipulative graduate student with whom he had formed a close bond. As she digs deeper, Claire begins to lose her grip on how well she truly knew her husband and questions her own identity in the process.”

Spoiler: The reason Claire’s husband bailed is because this movie sounds boring. (He’s probably just getting in quality mattress time with some graduate student chick.)

Pitchfork

PITCHFORK (January 13, 2017 / VOD)
“Having recently shared a life-changing secret with his family, Hunter recruits his friends to come with him from New York to the farm where he grew up as he faces his parents for the first time. As the college students enjoy the fresh air of Michigan farm country, an older, more dangerous secret slowly emerges. While Hunter navigates a new place within his conservative family, a vicious creature from their past descends on the farm, putting the unsuspecting city kids in mortal danger.”

So a guy comes out to his judgmental parents and they unleash a stab-y creature monster on him? As this is set on a farm, I’m speculatin’ out loud that the monster might actually be — are you ready for this — a cow. Makes total sense when you think about it.

Kodoku: Meatball Machine

KODOKU: MEATBALL MACHINE (2017)
“This blood-drenched, twisted story melds cyberpunk sci-fi, fantasy, extreme gore, and comedy.”

An unexpected bonus to 2017: Kodoku is the sequel in name only to Yūdai Yamaguchi and Jun’ichi Yamamoto’s 2005 splatter classic, Meatball Machine. All the adjectives above don’t come close to describing the visual explosions therein. Heck, I even profiled MM on August 27, 2014 and put some really cool movie pics of all the cyberpunk sci-fi, fantasy, extreme gore, and comedy.

Click HERE to scope it.