Monster Master, G-Rated Zombies, Hotel Hell

According to Wikipedia™ (that name sounds so made up), filmmaker John Carpenter is generally recognized as one of the greatest masters of the horror genre. Of course he is. This is the guy who brought us classic horror/sci-fi movies like Halloween (1978), The Fog (1980), The Thing (1982), Christine (1983), Prince of Darkness (1987), Vampires (1998), and Ghost of Mars (2001). Insert mic drop sound here.

So it makes perfect sense Carpenter hosts Masters of Monsters, Godzilla!, a Godzilla Monster Marathon airing November 3rd through November 6th, 2022 on Shout! Factory TV, TokuShoutsu, Scream Factory TV and Shout! Cult. P.S. National Godzilla Day is November 3rd, which amazingly ties in with this show’s G-Fest. Nice timing!

From Shout Factory’s press release: “This November, Shout Factory is celebrating Godzilla day and doing it up big, with Masters of Monsters, Godzilla! Carpenter is sitting down and presenting his four favorite monster films directed by Ishiro Honda: Godzilla, The uncut Japanese original (Gojira), Rodan, Ghidorah, The Three-Headed Monster, and The War of the Gargantuas. Carpenter will be our Master of Monsters tour guide, making appearances throughout to discuss his love for the franchise.”

While you click on over to MastersofMonsters.com for more info (or “information”), here are a few out now and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may be worthy of a John Carpenter endorsement…

SAWED OFF / Out now (VOD)

“Two hunters, friends for years and vying for the affections of the same woman, find themselves on cursed land where they keep killing each other and coming back to life.”

The beginning of Sawed Off is worth the rental price. There’s naked nudity, outdoor sex, a loaded shotgun, exit wounds… You could stop the movie right here and know you got your money’s worth.

ZOMBIE TOWN / December, 2022 (Theaters)

“A fantastical film turns an entire town into zombies. It’s up to two teenagers to save them.”

This is based on the R.L Stine kid’s horror book of the same name. This means you won’t see zombies mouth-kissing fresh flesh as if it were free hamburgers on sale.

TALES FROM THE OCCULT / Release pending 2022 (VOD)

“An old school anthology consisting of three short films, Tales from the Occult is the first in a new omnibus series about the hidden horrors that lurk behind the urban landscape of Hong Kong.”

Wonder what the hidden horrors are lurking behind Hong Kong’s urban landscape? I’m thinkin’ a Ringu or two, undercooked chicken teriyaki bowls, tourists… 

HAZBIN HOTEL / Summer 2023 (VOD)

“Charlie, the princess of Hell, pursues her seemingly impossible goal of rehabilitating demons to peacefully reduce overpopulation in her kingdom. After a yearly extermination imposed by angels, she opens a hotel in the hopes that patients will be ‘checking out’ into Heaven. While most of Hell mocks her goal, her devoted partner Vaggie, and their first test subject, adult film-star Angel Dust, stick by her side. When a powerful entity known as the ‘Radio Demon’ reaches out to assist Charlie in her endeavors, her crazy dream is given a chance to become a reality.”

Adult animation. Cartoon boobies are almost as fun as those mythical real ones. They should make a movie about that.

That ’70s Zombie, Sleepy Zombies, Rural Werewolves

When it came out in 1979 (1978 in Italy), Dawn of the Dead, in eye-bursting color, featured unflinchingly graphic flesh-eating zombies, skyrocketing the genre into mainstream pop culture status. And it also butt-birthed generations of walking dead movies/TV shows, which continues to this day over 40 years later. Thanks to technology and all its science magic, you can now see Dawn of the Dead…in 3-D!

You read the words correctly — from October 28 through October 31, Regal Cinemas is showing the 3-D conversion of the groundbreaking splat masterpiece in 250 Regal venues. (Click HERE for tix) Warning: the first three rows will get wet.

In case it slipped your mind, here’s the original plot: “Following an ever-growing epidemic of zombies that have risen from the dead, two Philadelphia S.W.A.T. team members, a traffic reporter, and his television executive girlfriend seek refuge in a secluded shopping mall.” That won’t win any marketing awards, but just know that Dawn of the Dead explodes with glisten-y chewed flesh and previously-owned body parts.

While we look for some stain-proof pants to wear to the premier, here are few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as essential as previously-owned body parts…

DEAD BRIDE / Out now (iTunes™, Amazon Prime Video™, Google Play™, Xbox™, Vudu™)

“After her father’s death, Alyson, her partner Richard and their baby return to her childhood home. Following a few shocking supernatural events, Alyson discovers that she and her family have been living with a terrible curse, unleashed in the past by a bride killed by Alyson’s grandfather. Soon after Alyson’s child disappears and she has no choice but to embark on a frightening journey into the underworld to free herself from the bride’s curse and to look for her daughter.”

Note to Alyson: the entrance to the Underworld is the Tug Tavern’s bathroom, or “Portal Potty.” P.S. Wash your hands. 

SLEEP. WALK. KILL. / November 4, 2022 (VOD/Digital platforms)

“If you sleep, you become one of them. News reports tell of an Earth-shattering sound heard along the entire East Coast. Nobody knows where it came from. Nobody knows what it means. That night, people start walking in their sleep. And killing in their sleep. When the screaming stops and the blood dries, those left have to work together to stay alive. Heads will roll, eyeballs will fly, but for Edgar, Hell is still just other people. His ex-wife, his parents and all his neighbors are hiding out at his house. And they’re even worse than the flesh-eating sleepwalkers.”

Flesh-eating sleepwalkers. Does that mean the night-snackers are wearing pajamas? Do they snore? It’d be nice to get some clarification on this matter of high import. 

IN SEARCH OF DARKNESS: PART III / November, 2022 (Digital) / January, 2023 (DVD/Blu-ray)

“In Search of Darkness: Part III — the ultimate ’80s horror documentary series — is a five-plus-hour exploration of the undiscovered treasures of the VHS era. Featuring interviews with 70 horror luminaries, including such icons as John Carpenter, Robert Englund, Caroline Munro, and Cassandra Peterson, In Search of Darkness: Part III is presented in a compelling year-by-year format that examines horror in the context of the decade’s touchstone moments and movements such as the rise of indie horror during the home video boom, the backlash of the Satanic panic, the genre’s relationship with heavy metal music, horror’s marginalization by the mainstream, the influence of Mexican, European, Canadian and Asian horror, and more.”

I’ve seen In Search of Darkness: Part I (2019) and Part II (2020). And now, with the release of In Search of Darkness: Part III, that’s over 14 hours of more ’80s horror than you should be legally able to wrap your eyeballs around. Get all three in a massive-yet-tidy bundle HERE, and plan on spending the entire weekend on your couch. You can thank me on Monday…if you make it that far.

WOLF HOLLOW / Spring, 2023

“A group of young filmmakers venture out on a location scout in rural Pennsylvania. Deep into the back country, it quickly becomes apparent they’ve stumbled onto a family of werewolves and must now survive the night.”

Werewolves live in Pennsylvania? I would’ve thought…Gnashville. Heh.

Halloween Parties, Mutant Frogs, Ghost Cannibals

This is kinda neato cool — A Halloween soundtrack listening party in records stores across the U.S. (or “United States”), running from October 19, 2018 (the album’s release date) through October 21, 2018. And hey, a few of the stores will be handing out free goodie bags and vinyl giveaways. This is good, because I’d hate to come back later and egg their otherwise clean storefronts.

A select section from the press release: “John Carpenter composed the score with Cody Carpenter and Daniel Davies. The new soundtrack pays homage to the classic Halloween score that Carpenter composed and recorded in 1978.” Hope this one is embellished with stabby noises and babysitter screams.

After you click HERE to see if you’re anywhere near one of the select record stores. (Mine’s Sonic Boom, which is about a $25 Lyft™ ride to get to. Not sure how much to come back.) And when you’re done looking in the mirror to see how sad you are when you discover these parties aren’t anywhere near you, brighten your flushed day with these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you wanna jiggle the handle…

CHANNEL ZERO: THE DREAM DOOR (October 26, 2018/SyFy™ Channel)
“Newlyweds Jillian and Tom have brought their own secrets into their marriage. After a strange door is discovered in their basement, those secrets they kept from each other will threaten their relationship — and their lives.”

Hope this installment is better than the last two. But hey, any excuse to plank on the couch. It’s said this one is based on the creepypasta short story Hidden Door by Charlotte Bywater. I don’t eat pasta; too creepy.

STRANGE NATURE (2018)
“By moving in with her estranged hermit father in the backwoods of a small town, Kim and son Brody find themselves in the middle of a horrendous phenomenon where deadly offspring mutations spread from animals to humans.”

This one features mutant frogs. I’m hopping up and down with glee, though frogs kinda already look like mutants. I hate it when you get in a staring contest with one, and just when you think you’re gonna win, the darn thing makes its eyes bulge hard and goons you out. Man, I hate that.

I STILL SEE YOU (2018)
“Nine years after an apocalyptic event that killed millions, left the world is left inhabited by ghosts.”

Better ghosts than zombies. Ghosts won’t eat your face, whereas zombies would start chowing down without even stopping to remove the skin wrapper first. Still, with all those ghosts left hanging around, so much for getting in a little private time in the all-purpose bathroom. let’s just hope that ghosts are unable to post on Instagram™. Embarrassing doesn’t even begin to cover it.

THE DARK (October 22, 2018/UK)
“An undead young woman, Mina, stalks the ‘Devil’s Den’ woods where she was killed. If anyone enters the woods, she kills them and feasts on the body. But when she stumbles upon a young blind boy named Alex in the back of a car who shows signs of horrifying abuse, she can’t bring herself to kill him. As police and locals close in, searching for Alex, Mina’s growing relationship with him changes her in ways she never thought possible.”

So she’s an undead cannibal and wants to be a nanny? Wonder if she charges by the hour? Hope she doesn’t eat your neck off if you don’t tip her.

Soulless Hamburgers, Evil Churches, Infected Farmers

I usually don’t get gooned out by stuff I’ve seen in movies. But in real life, stand back — barf-o-rama. In this case, the spew-inducing instigator is the new black Halloween hamburgers from McDonald’s™ and Burger King™ in Japan. The Mickey D’s hockey pucks have squid ink dyed hamburger buns. Whereas the Burger King buns sport not only a charcoal-esque pallor but black cheese as well. I just felt my throat contract.

Japan’s squid ink burger will set you back 370 yen, which translates to $3.40 U.S. bit coins/paper route money. This does not include tar milkshakes or burnt shoestring fries.

The Burger King™ Black Ninja Burger actually has two spin-offs (or “sequels”): the Kuro Diamond and Kuro Pearl, which feature not just black buns, but slices of cheese and a tangy sauce that look dark enough to come from an H.P. Lovecraft novel.

Both hell-spawn sandwiches are available now if you live in Japan. For those of us not adventurous enough to stick one of those things in our collective black holes, will just have to settle for these just released and upcoming (and hopefully digestible) horror and sci-fi movies…

SCALER, DARK SPIRIT (available now/VOD)
“A paranormal researcher is given video footage that reveals clues to an ancient evil residing in catacombs beneath the old city church.”

Reminiscent of John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness (1987), wherein a college theoretic physics team and professor with one squint-y eye investigates a sentient, swirly green liquid in a large glass mayonnaise jar in the basement of an old Catholic church. It turns out to be wet Satan, but those with a degree at first deduce it to be a septic tank for the church’s unholy leavings. Close.

TRAUMA (2017)
“Four friends visit a rural locality of Chile, are brutally attacked by a man and his son. After not finding help in the town, they decide to confront these men with the help of a pair of policemen. But in this way, they will discover that their attackers have in their blood the direct legacy of the darkest period of Chilean history and will have to face the most brutal enemy.”

Try not to confuse this Trauma with about, oh, a dozen other movies with the same title, dating back to the ancient days of 1993. So you can watch this and have a bowl of Chile. Or not watch it and have a bowl of chili. Without beans.

3 HOURS TILL DEAD (available now/VOD)
“An AWOL soldier with PTSD goes into hiding along with his brother and a few friends. They retreat into a rural farm area unaware that the outside world has ceased to function. On their way back to civilization, his brother is attacked by an infected farmer. He quickly morphs into a rabid animal and lives for exactly three hours. Realizing they are in grave danger, they head back to the forest trying to outlive the legions of the infected.”

This may have come out in the year 2016 on some sort of physical media, but these are things I know not of which I speak. That spoken, the be attacked by an infected, rabid farmer is not new. With all the chicken/cow/pig/horse dropping farmers get on their hands and then rub their eyes (probably due to hay fever), it’s a wonder we’re all not infected from the farm food those guys handle without using convenient moist towelettes and anti-bacterial soap from a push button dispenser. Still, a zombie farmer — that’s kinda neat.

DEAD BODY (2018)
“Several friends decide to celebrate their high school graduation at a lake house in the woods. One of the classmates recommends that they play the old-fashioned game of Dead Body. In the game, one player is ‘the body,’ one player is ‘the killer’ and all of the other players try to figure out whodunit. Unfortunately, on this particular night, the game ends up featuring a real-life killer. The bodies begin piling up and, in an ‘Agatha Christie And Then There Were None’ style mystery, the survivors are forced to figure out who the killer is amongst them — before there is no one left standing.”

This one’s been banging around the film festival circuit since 2015. Still, sounds like the classic board game Clue (called Cluedo in the UK), which first came out in 1949. I don’t think that one had a real-life killer in it, though. Those guys cheat all the time.

Hell in the Cell

Described as “John Carpenter’s Assault on Precinct 13 but with a supernatural twist,” Last Shift is a feel-good horror movie pitting a chick cop against a demonic ghost. I know what you’re thinking – is the chick cop gonna drop top? We’ll have to wait and see when Last Shift is finally released on DVD sometime during the day on October 6, 2015.

Here’s what they’re telling us/me/you: “Officer Jessica Loren has been assigned to wait for a Hazmat team to pick up bio-hazardous waste from the station’s armory. But unbeknown to Jessica, cult Leader John Michael Paymon has haunted the department ever since he and two of this followers committed suicide a year ago to date. And now, Jessica is about to find out how dangerous they can be when she’s left alone on this…last shift.”

This one was originally titled Paymon: The King of Hell. I like that a hell of a lot more than The Last Shift, which left me with a “gum didn’t come out of the machine” look on my face. Why someone actually thought Last Shift is a better title is supreme bafflement of the highest order.

There have been other horror movies with a similar theme. The one that burps to the surface of my mind is 2011’s Inkubus, starring Freddy Krueger (or “Robert Englund”) as the title character.

Here’s what that one is all about: “Inkubus tells the story of a skeleton crew working the final shift at a soon to be demolished police station. The night takes a gruesome turn when the demon Inkubus calmly walks into the station holding the severed head of a murdered girl. Inkubus toys with the crew, allowing himself to be restrained, and begins to proudly confess to his litany of crimes, some dating back to the Middle Ages.”

No doubt Inkubus is gonna get a ticket for murder. But to toy with cops? He’s looking at a life sentence.

Damned To Heck

John Carpenter’s Village of the Damned (1995) is a pointless remake of 1960’s movie of the same name/plot/ending but with “John Carpenter” added. Maybe someone thought adding the legendary horror/sci-fi director’s name to the title would make it sell more. It did, but that strategy didn’t make the movie better.

One day everyone in Midwich, California passes out, right in the middle of what they were doing. Not good for some of the small town’s residents, one of whom happened to be grilling food and tested the charcoal temperature with his face. Later, everyone wakes up going, “WTF?”

A few months pass and all the child-bearing women in town are knocked up, giving birth in record time to super-intelligent, Aryan Nation-esque white-haired kids with glowing eyes. Again we ask, “WTF?”

 These psychic youngsters can use their minds to make you do stuff, like slice your skin open with a scalpel. Where this movie differs is with lots more blood and things that cause the letting of blood. (There was none of the above in the original and/or its sequel.)

The final solution to stopping these alien ankle-biters is the same the second time around (think brick wall—literally), but one protective mother found a way to get around it. Pity – I generally like to see kids go kaBOOM.

Must be The Season of the Witch

Despite being made by John Carpenter, the same guy who did Halloween (1978) and Halloween II (1981), Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) has nothing to do with its predecessors. That’s good because there’s only so many sexually-active teens you can poke with a knife before it gets boring.

A druid descendant, fronting as the silver head of Silver Shamrock Novelties™, makes full-head witch, pumpkin and skeleton Halloween masks. These popular items are embedded with a microchip made from pieces of Stonehenge™, and placed there by robots with nice hair. If you’re wearing the mask and watching TV at the specially-designated time, you’ll see the broadcast Halloween secret. And that secret is that it activates the microchip in your mask and your head implodes and turns into snakes and bugs. Oh, yeah – green stuff that used to be your brains also leaks out.

An alcoholic doctor uncovers the plan and, with hottie Stacy Nelkin, tries to convince TV stations to not run the commercial so that kids all over the world won’t get the living room carpet dirty with particulate matter. Good luck with that.

As cornball as it all is, Halloween III: Season of the Witch is a fair investment for your DVD rental coupons. Bonus: Once you hear Silver Shamrock’s “Happy, Happy Halloween” theme song used for the marketing of said kill masks, you won’t be able to get it out of your, uh, head.

Catholic Vampires

 

John Carpenter’s Vampires (1998) reveals what I’ve suspected all along – organized religion is responsible for creating the blood-hungry undead. During a totally botched exorcism back in the day when such practices were considered standard, a master vampire was thus born.

Six hundred years later the Catholic church is still trying to clean up their mess without compromising the power of the collection plate. Enter James Woods as a modern bad ass day job slayer, a mercenary hired by the Vatican to end all the neck-biting wrongness.

He and his dead-hunting associates shoot vampires with crossbows, then drag them out into the sunlight where the turn into overcooked marshmallows (but not nearly as delicious, though).

Explosions of creative gore, gnarly decapitations and the resultant gushing of the good red stuff. Too bad the dialogue bites harder than the vampires. Woods is an emotional roller coaster as Jack Crow (he probably got lessons from a 12 year-old girl), but the action and splat and the ridding of vampires make this flick worth most of his PMS-ing.