Archive for Uranus

Sci-Fi Pizza, Apocalypse Santa, Hungry Sinkholes

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Flying Saucer Pizza

If you’re fortunate enough to live in Redmond, WA, you can order your nutrients from Flying Saucer Pizza (“An Experience in Outer Taste”), a restaurant that features silverware-optional stomach-fillers that combine mozzarella with sci-fi. After eating one of their highly-rated pizzas, you’ll have to loosen your Van Allen radiation belt. Heh.

Flying Saucer Pizza

Founded in 2005, Flying Saucer Pizza in Washington State makes perfect (and clever) sense, since modern-age UFOs first originated here when aviator and businessman Kenneth Arnold became globally known for making what is generally considered the first widely reported unidentified flying object sighting in the UFA (United States of America — you’re welcome) back in 1947 — way ahead of my backward-pants wearing neighbor.

Flying Saucer Pizza

Flying Saucer Pizza features abduction-stimulating names for their meals, like the “Area 51” (Flying Saucer red sauce, whole milk mozzarella, red roma tomatoes, tender artichoke hearts fresh spinach), “Soylent Green” (FSP pesto sauce, whole milk mozzarella, artichoke hearts, sun-dried tomatoes, basil-garlic topped with pine nuts) and “Crop Circles” (Flying Saucer red sauce, whole milk mozzarella, mushrooms, red onion, green and red peppers, black olives, pepperoncini). In all, FSP features 17 sci-fi themed pizzas — and one Earthly, basic cheese pizza. Prices for a 10” pizza (served on a pan that looks suspiciously like a flying saucer) range from $9.00 to $11.50. Good luck getting those prices on Uranus. Bonus: 27 beers on tap. Beam me up today, if possible.

Flying Saucer Pizza

You can order online at flyingsaucerpizza.com, though if you’re outside of the Earth’s atmosphere, your SOL. (Get the sun joke reference? C’mon, that’s pure comedy gold.)

While you figure out how to have one of their pizzas delivered by UPS™, here are a few just-released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to snack on (napkins recommended)…

Swamp Terror

SWAMP TERROR (available now)
“Two sisters venture deep into the swamp looking for their long lost father.”

Not to be confused with The Swamp Terrorists, a Swiss electro-industrial “music” group from the ’80s, although you can see the disturbing similarities. As for the plot, yeah, the first place I’d look for my missing dad would be a swamp. (Those things are like inside-out unflushed toilets.) IMBd.com lists this one as having been released in 2014. I was combing my hair that year, so I may have missed it — if IMBd is not fake news. So what’s in a bayou swamp besides location-challenged patriarchal figureheads? Assorted floatables that can eat you, that’s what.

Basement: The Terror Below

BASEMENT: THE TERROR BELOW (available now)
“Shortly after Tim Ritter moves into his new apartment, he hears strange noises coming from the basement. The nightly disturbances and other unexplained events keep him awake almost every night. Sleep deprived and at his wit’s end, Tom buys several video cameras to record whomever or whatever is causing the strange phenomena.”

Dangitall — another found footage movie. Most found footage movies suck camcorder. The only difference here is this one comes from Germany, which means the nightly disturbances in the basement are likely party people binge-watching Der Tatortreiniger on the ’ol fernsehgerät while munching Currywurst flavored chips from an ornate schüssel.

I'm Dreaming Of A White Doomsday

I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE DOOMSDAY (2017)
Kelly and her son Riley, weathering the end times in a bomb shelter amidst the ruin that once was the world. With supplies and hope steadily declining, Kelly makes a horrifying decision that will cause her to discover just how far she would go for her child, and what lurks outside.”

This may or may not be available now. Couldn’t find it on any of the porn tips, uh, movie database sites I frequent. I think, though, that Kelly’s “horrifying” decision would be to go outside. According to the trailer, there are fat, gas-mask-wearing Santa Claus survivors roaming the waistlands with no one left to give gifts to. (Note to apocalypse St. Nicks — you better not use global destruction as an excuse to not come to my house.)

Sinkhole 2

SINKHOLE 2 (pending 2018)
Angry sinkholes attack a small, nondescript town, engulfing people and buildings one by one. These ravenous monsters appear without warning, sucking terrorized townsfolk into oblivion. Enter a seismological specialist with a secret past, hellbent on revenge. He joins forces with the local sheriff, who is on a personal mission to save his own daughter and town. Can this unlikely duo abort these monstrous cracks of death? Will our heroes survive overwhelming forces of nature with potentially explosive consequences? Can they combat a skeptical mayor with ulterior motives who will stop at nothing to serve his own selfish gains?

Sounds like Dirt Jaws. Sinkholes, by the way, also go by another name: “box office.”

All About Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 7, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Recovered Spacecraft

Was reading Listverse.com’s 10 Claims of Recovered Extraterrestrial Craft and was visibly shocked to see they didn’t include the UFO that was “parked” (half on the sidewalk, half in the fire lane) out behind The Poggie Tavern in my neighborhood. While it didn’t make headlines, the event nevertheless had more than a few witnesses. One claimed the unidentifiable craft was shiny and metallic, like a spaceship, but with windshield wipers.

Airstream Camper Car

Oh sure, they’ll give props to The Paradise Valley Incident Arizona, 1947 (#10) and The Kalahari Incident South Africa, 1989 (#8). But no love — or even an honorable mention — given for The Poggie Tavern Incident West Seattle, 2017.

Alien Parking

Thus, today’s theme for just released on VOD alien movies and documentaries, some of which may or may not make your Top 10…

Alien Implant: The Hunted Must Become The Hunted

ALIEN IMPLANT: THE HUNTED MUST BECOME THE HUNTER (available now)
“A brilliant female recluse sends a distress signal into outer space from a remote location, however it’s not a distress signal, it’s an ingenious trap designed to exact revenge on the extraterrestrials who abducted her as a child.”

Clunky title, but clever plot. Kinda implausible, though. Since all aliens look alike, how will this gal know she’s cappin’ the ass of the exact spacemen who forcibly babysat her? Maybe she should look around for aliens driving space vans offering candy to kids.

Alien Vs. Zombies

ALIEN VS. ZOMBIES (available now)
“An alien travels over galaxies to fulfill a lifelong dream of visiting Earth, only to discover that the planet has been overrun by a zombie plague, caused by a mysterious virus. Now he must team up with a small band of human survivors to save what is left of our world, while fighting off a bounty hunter from his home planet, who wants him to return home a crime he did not commit.”

The alien’s lifelong dream was to visit Earth? Given their propensity for probing, I’m surprised vacation alien didn’t want to go to Uranus.

The Alienators

THE ALIENATORS (available now)
“Two amateur ufologists investigate a woman’s claim that aliens are watching her. Two weeks later, she disappears under mysterious circumstances. During a missing persons investigation, confiscated footage leaks onto the Internet, receiving over 2,000,000 hits in just three hours before the authorities take it down. But many who saw the footage say it contained the most compelling and terrifying evidence of alien existence ever captured. This is that footage, compiled and released by The Civilian Department of Ufology, a privately owned UFO research and investigation organization.”

Love the kicker line for this: “The Most Documented Alien Abduction Case In F*cking History.” Gonna have to put this on my couch time watch list as the idea of two drunk UFO amateurs documenting proof of alien visitation is highly relatable to me for some reason. Ahem.

UFOs: The Best Evidence Ever Caught On Tape

UFOS: THE BEST EVIDENCE EVER CAUGHT ON TAPE — EXPANDED AND UPDATED DIRECTORS CUT (available now)
The Award Winning Fox Television Special, now including new shocking never before seen UFO footage. Shot by amateurs and professional alike, videos of extraordinary objects in the sky offer fantastic evidence of Alien activity now engaging the Planet Earth. This Expanded and Updated Director’s Cut includes the best UFO video ever caught on tape from the U.S. Government and Homeland Security.”

These kinds of documentaries crack me up as they always bring in someone from Star Trek to narrate, as if to give the topic more credibility. Star Trek: The Next Generation’s Jonathan Frakes (aka, Commander William T. Riker) lends his authoritative vocal cords to this one. Worf, the renounced citizenship Klingon on Next Generation, did one as well (Where Are All The UFOs?/1996). But the best comes from James Doohan (aka, Starship Engineer “Scotty”), who not only narrates all the UFO footage, they put him in UFOs: Above And Beyond (1997). And he really threw himself into the project by making intense facial expressions reinforced by his insistent tone. Aliens never had a better advocate.

P.S. This one originally came out in 2000. Glad to see someone still wants to believe.

King Kong, Godzilla, Dinosaur Floaties

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bonejangles

Been following the development of the remake of King Kong vs. Godzilla (the first ppv match-up — aka “The Gorilla in Manila” — went down in 1962.) No pun intended, but there’s a HUGE logistic the filmmakers need to deal with: King Kong was 100 feet tall in Kong: Skull Island (2017), the biggest he’s ever been. However, in 2016’s Shin Godzilla (aka, Godzilla: Resurgence), the king of monsters shook, rattled and rolled skyscrapers at 387 feet. You see where I’m going with this.

So by pitting Kong against Godzilla in 2020 (projected), they’re either going to have to make the monkey four times his current stature, or shrink Godzilla down 287 feet. As science tells us, you don’t/can’t/shouldn’t make Godzilla smaller. (In King Kong vs. Godzilla they were both about the same height: 164 feet tall, give or take a few chimneys.)

A few unsolicited options: #1: Make four Kongs and stack ’em. #2: Have Godzilla stuck halfway down some sort of quicksand pit or really deep hot tub. #3: Monkey foot-shaped platform shoes. I could keep this up all day.

Speaking of glaring discrepancies, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that’ll either make sense or they won’t…

BONEJANGLES (July 18, 2017)
“While transporting the legendary serial killer Bonejangles to an asylum, a group of police officers break down in a town cursed with demonic zombies. The only way they can survive the night and save the town is to release Bonejangles to help them fight the curse, with something much worse.”

Not to be confused with the Bonejangles from 2005’s Corpse Bride (He sang/sings at the Ball and Socket Pub.) Hard, though, to take a serial killer who names himself Bonejangles seriously. Come back to me with something like Knifey McCutter and we’ll talk.

Suspiria

SUSPIRIA (2017/2018)
Susie Bannion, a young American woman, travels to the prestigious Markos Tanz Company in Berlin in 1977, arriving just as one of its members, Patricia, has disappeared under mysterious circumstances. As Susie makes extraordinary progress under the guidance of Madame Blanc, the Company’s revolutionary artistic director, she befriends another dancer, Sara, who shares her suspicions that the Matrons, and the Company itself, may be harboring a dark and menacing secret.”

Yep, YET ANOTHER remake, the first one making its same name back in 1977. It was Italian, so if you plan on watching it, plan on reading it as well. Unless you’re Italian. If so, go nuts.

Mab

MAB (2017)
Rosie and her mother, Kris struggle to make ends meet. Their only source of income comes from the daily delivery Rosie makes to the mysterious Mab. But what are these deliveries and what impact will this have on their lives of those around them? A magical realism short that uncovers the sacrifices people make to take control of their lives and the evil that lurks in the darkness of desperation.”

A smattering of research reveals that Mab is one of the moons of Uranus and/or a fairy in Shakespeare’s play Romeo and Juliet. Or it could mean “multi-armed bandit.” (A reference to a criminal octopus, perhaps?) However you cast it, this one’s gonna be a rough sell to Mab Darogan, a figure of Welsh legend.

Jurassic World — Fallen Kingdom

JURASSIC WORLD – FALLEN KINGDOM (June 22, 2018)
“With all of the wonder, adventure and thrills synonymous with one of the most popular and successful franchises in cinema history, this all-new motion-picture event sees the return of favorite characters and dinosaurs along with new breeds more awe-inspiring and terrifying than ever before.”

The first official poster for the Flintstones of the Future. So yeah, more unleashed dinosaurs. Have to say, I did like the Mosasaurus, that badass swimming pool dinosaur in Jurassic World (2015). The pool rules were simple: you cannonball in and you don’t cannonball out.

Vampires and Octopuses

Posted in Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 12, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

12 Deadly Days

A smattering of new horror movies to fulfill your innermost dreams and desires. Note: Smattering means “a small amount of something.” Use this knowledge wisely.

12 DEADLY DAYS (December 12, 2016)
YouTube™ and Blumhouse Television™ are partnering on a new half hour horror-comedy series called 12 Deadly Days, which is set in the cursed town of Saturn during the twelve days leading up to Christmas.”

Save your bitcoins — this one’s free to view on YouTube™, the world’s video landfill. And if you’re wondering where the town of Saturn is, it’s just down the road from Uranus. Man, that joke never gets old.

City of Dead Men

CITY OF DEAD MEN (December 16, 2016)
“An American tourist arrives in Colombia, where he discovers he’s run completely out of money. Desperate for a quick fix to the problem, he meets a young girl, who introduces him to a group of misfits and their mysterious leader, who live in an abandoned psychiatric hospital. At first accepting their friendship and shelter, it soon becomes clear something terrible happened in the hospital. The group living there now only feel immortal, pulling Michael into a dangerous dynamic that might kill him.”

Guess if I ran out of money I’d shack up in and abandoned psychiatric hospital, too. There’s worse things in the world — like people using abandoned psychiatric hospital toilets that don’t flush.

The Bye Bye Man

THE BYE BYE MAN (January 13, 2017)
“Set in 1990s Wisconsin, three college students move into an old, off-campus house where they find themselves preyed on by a malevolent supernatural entity called The Bye Bye Man. They must find a way to save themselves while keeping the whole thing secret to protect anyone else from becoming the entity’s next victim.”

Geez, all they have to do is move out of the house. College students are so dumb.

The Creature Below

THE CREATURE BELOW (February 28, 2017)
“During a traumatic accident on a deep-sea dive, Olive, a gifted, young marine biologist discovers an unearthly creature. Plagued by gruesome nightmares, her fractured memories of what happened during the accident in the depths of the ocean begin to unravel, revealing her symbiotic bond with an eldritch horror far older and more malevolent than she could possibly imagine, one which drives her to carry out its sinister will, with deadly results for those around her.”

Eldritch horror. Sounds like the monster is a Kraken. Wikipedia™ says Kraken is the German word for octopus. Google Translate™ says it’s Tintenfisch. I don’t know which digital overlord to believe, so I’ll just go with human-eating multi-legged creature. A bit wordy, but it gets to the point.

The Night Watchmen

THE NIGHT WATCHMEN (2017)
“Three inept night watchmen, aided by a young rookie and a fearless tabloid journalist, fight an epic battle to save their lives. A mistaken warehouse delivery unleashes a horde of hungry vampires, and these unlikely heroes must not only save themselves but also stop the scourge that threatens to take over the city of Baltimore.”

Vampires in Baltimore. Fine. Just keep ‘em out of my town. Don’t need anymore of those pesky things moving in to the neighborhood. Werewolves are okay, though. Just as long as they keep a Pooper Scooper™ handy.

Earth Must be Stopped

Posted in Aliens, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 11, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Day the Earth Stopped

Remember The Day The Earth Stood Still (1951/2008)? Well, this time it stopped altogether. No loitering for this planet, just a complete and utter dead halt.

I could end my overview of The Day The Earth Stopped (2008) right here, but there may be one or two of you who never listen when I tell them movies that are quick knock-offs of other — and better — flicks, suck the big [insert your choice of disparaging proper noun here].

The Day The Earth Stopped

A battalion of spaceships pull up to Earth and park their giant destructo robots in areas all over the world. Six hundred and sixty-six of ’em to be exact, though you only get to see one.

Two aliens — a naked young man with zits on his face, and a nude 30-something woman with heavy eye shadow and thick lip gloss (from the “Hot Uranus Nights” weekend collection) — are captured by the Army and interrogated.

The Day The Earth Stopped

Turns out Earth has been pissing off all the other planets, and it’s time to kiss our arrogant fannies goodbye. That is, unless we can show them a reason for sparing our lives…by sundown. Unfortunately, the giant robots start blasting, wrecking an innocent Ferris wheel and shooting the top off the Eiffel Tower. France probably deserved it.

The lesson learned? Don’t watch cheap knock-off “sci-fi” movies like this anymore. But like touching a hot stove burner, I’ll probably do it again.

Sci-Fi – Made in Mexico

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 31, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ship of Monsters

The Spanish-made sci-fi Ship of Monsters (aka, La Nave de los Monstruos/1960) is so endearingly bad, you can’t help but love the super goofy monsters (including a bone bare reptile that talks), scantily-clad space girls who wear bathing suits while piloting around the galaxy, and the added-value dialogue: “This place of full of rebels without a cause…”, “I’ll slap you around with my shoe…” and the time-honored “Do you swing both ways?”

Ship of Monsters

The planet Venus, occupied by horny chicks (a radiation scourge wiped out all the dudes), rocket around the galaxy, kidnapping male creatures of all sizes, shapes and complexions, to bring back for Uranus exploring dates. A malfunction forces the spaceship to land on Earth, specifically Chihuahua, Mexico, where the two supermodel space chicks encounter the tall-tale telling Lauriano, a horse-ridin’, singin’ caballero who asks the stars for a chick to “share his affections” with.

Ship of Monsters

The smooth talking Lauriano educates the space chicks in the ways of Earth love by smooching their lips and proposing marriage. Gamma, the space ship captain, calls dibs on Lauriano’s saddle horn, which makes Beta, the first officer, jealous and full of vengeance.

Ship of Monsters

Beta unfreezes the monsters and proposes that they take over Earth. Turns out she’s actually a vampire and the blood of our peeps is loaded with acrid richness. Pffft – trying sucking on a beer, lady; aside from a bit ‘o belching, no neck aftertaste.

Ship of Monsters

The male monsters have great space names: Uk (pronounced ‘ook’), Tawal, Zok (rhymes with ‘sock’) and Crassus, who emphatically proclaims, “I will devour your entrails by the light of Utare and its seven moons…” And he flippin’ means it, man!

Ship of Monsters

But in the end, Lauriano, who only wanted someone with which to share his affections, shows that love triumphs over monsters, vampires and the robot Torr, whom he calls “Tractor.” If that doesn’t warm your heart, you’re probably dead.

P.S. Amazing fun fact: All the monsters from across the galaxy speak Spanish. I know, right? How awesome is that?

Neighborhood Werewolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Never Cry Werewolf

In a plot lifted directly from 1985’s Fright Night, a handsome addition to the neighborhood moves into the creepy house next door to a single mom, her young son and hot teen daughter. Intrigued over potential bulges, the teen chick spies at him through a telescope meant for looking at Uranus. It’s there she sees him bring a hottie home for feeling up purposes in a scene that mimics Fright Night (1985) frame for frame. She immediately suspects him to be a werewolf (FN’s neighbor was a vampire).

Never Cry Werewolf

An intersection of blatantly rubber-stamped events leads up to the werewolf shedding its skin, growing huge metal fangs and looking like an inside-out doggy. Suddenly turning into Rambo, the chick (she looks like Christina Ricci, but not as top-heavy) grabs a nearby gun, some silver bullets that also just happens to be nearby, and blasts the pup into pulp. Everybody thinks TV celebrity ass Redd Tucker did it, but he’s a big phony. (Kevin Sorbo in a cookie-cutter role templated by Roddy McDowall’s TV vampire hunter, Peter Vincent. It’s cool how I know all this stuff.)

Never Cry Werewolf

During the confrontation the gal gets marked by the werewolf and her soul belongs to him for all eternity, blah, blah, blah. The punk rock pizza delivery boy gets turned into the new familiar (complete with nose ring and fuchsia streaks in his fur). The werewolf looks sorta cool, but has a plastic face. The chick is mostly wolf whistle worthy.

Never Cry Werewolf

But the rest of Never Cry Werewolf (2008) is too “been there, chewed on that” to be of much interest. I’m jaded. So what. You try reviewing 1,887 horror/sci-fi movies and see how objective YOU are.