Archive for pay-per-view

Blubbering: The Horror of Whales

Posted in Classic Horror, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 5, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

In The Heart of the Sea

Even though it’s universally considered to be an American literature classic, the 1851 Herman Melville novel Moby Dick (or The Whale) was in fact the first “nature strikes back” horror story.

Moby Dick

You had the maniacal, revenge-seeking Captain Ahab, the original slasher (except he wielded a harpoon and not a hockey mask and a machete), relentlessly pursing Moby Dick (a name used by more than one male porn star), a gigantic whale that wrecked Ahab’s Sea-doo™ and bit the crazy captain’s leg clean off. (Reports are sketchy as to whether it was his right or left leg. Maybe it was both.)

Just like Victor Frankenstein psychotically tracking his creationist monster through the Black Sea and meeting up in the Arctic Circle for the ultimate pay-per-view, both stories did not conclude well for Ahab and Victor.

In The Heart of the Sea

So the timeless horror classic is headed for the Imax™ screen in the form of In The Heart of the Sea (releasing December 11, 2015), a movie telling the story that inspired Moby Dick and features Thor (Chris Hemsworth) himself, trading in his Mjölnir (or “hammer”) for a whaler’s harpoon. Not really a spoiler, we kinda already know how this is gonna end up – humans will be recycled as whale poo.

In The Heart of the Sea

Here’s the plot: “In 1820, crewmen aboard the New England vessel Essex face a harrowing battle for survival when a whale of mammoth size and strength attacks with force, crippling their ship and leaving them adrift in the ocean. Pushed to their limits and facing storms, starvation, panic and despair, the survivors must resort to the unthinkable to stay alive.”

In The Heart of the Sea

One can only imagine what the “resorting to the unthinkable” stuff is to stay alive. If it’s anything like Free Willy 3: Packed In Spring Water, I think we all know the gory conclusion.

Heavy Metal, Masked Wrestling and Horror Fun

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Deathgasm

Burned out on big money horror movies that almost kinda sorta maybe pay off? Not me, as I’m an easily entertained suckhead – whoooo!

But if you don’t fall into that category (my name’s at the top of the list), then you might wanna rev your engines for these new indies sliding down the horror tube: Deathgasm and El Gigante. Both have cool names, filmed on a budget that wouldn’t cover a Happy Meal™ and a lot of zing AND zest.

Here’s what you absolutely need to know right now…

Deathgasm: “Bruce and Denny are into ear shattering Death Metal, setting fire to things and avoiding personal hygiene products. Tired of getting rejected by girls and being bullied mercilessly, they set about trying to utilize black magic to reverse their fortunes. They stumble upon an ancient page of sheet music and attempt to play it in their garage band, they unwittingly summon an ancient evil entity known as The Blind One, who threatens to tear apart existence itself.”

Intriguing, especially the “avoiding personal hygiene products” part.

El Gigante

And from the brains that brought us The Evil Dead in 60 Seconds, comes El Giagante, a film short that combines Lucha Libre (Masked Mexican wrestling) with cannibalism. I smell a pay-per-view coming on: “After attempting to cross the US/Mexico border in search of a better life, Armando awakens in an unknown room, his body broken down and a Lucha Libre mask sewn into his neck. He attempts to escape, but is surrounded by a sadistic family, who watch him with hungry eyes. The only chance for Armando’s survival in this hellish nightmare is to survive a wrestling match against the most terrifying villain of all: GIGANTE!”

So there you go – two choices to get you out of your horror genre rut, a place I happily wallow in. Wallow is such a cool word.