Archive for The Evil Dead

Bloody Hell, Sci-Fi Teens, Reverse Werewolves

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 1, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bloody Muscle Body Builder In Hell

Here’s a neat trick — when celery stalks go limp, soak ’em in water and a short time later, stiff as if you doped ‘em up with Viagra™ and just as store-bought crunchy. Better still, soak ‘em in vodka. Get drunk and healthy at the same time. Works on carrots, too! I have no doubt that’s an original idea, I’m I’m gonna patent it. So please don’t viral my pension plan.

Speaking soaking yourself in healthy alcohol, you might need some of the good stuff to get through these just released and/or upcoming horror/sci-fi movies…

BLOODY MUSCLE BODY BUILDER IN HELL (available now/UK)
“After a surprise phone call interrupts his daily workout, beefy body builder Naoto agrees to meet his photojournalist ex-girlfriend to help with her research on haunted houses. Accompanied by a professional psychic, they visit an abandoned house once owned by Naoto’s father. But inside the house a dark secret lingers and they find themselves trapped and tormented by a relentless ghost with a 30 year grudge. Bloody Muscle Body Builder invites fans of bizarro, lo-fi cinema on a far out journey…into Hell.”

While I do like the title (I’d buy the shirt), this is also aka’d as The Japanese Evil Dead. Gotta say, I dig that, too, if not as well. This came out in 2014 (in Japan) and was described as a “cross between the 1977 Japanese horror classic Hausu (House) and The Evil Dead (1981).” Kore ijō iwanai — I’m in.

So can you see it in your own hausu? Yep — just order it from AmazonUK™ [click HERE]. It’ll set you back £7.99 (free delivery in London Land if you have Amazon Prime™). This converts into $10.35 U.S. fun coupons. To have it shipped here, though, is a bit pricey as there are import fees, triple stamps with Monarch faces on ’em, probably weird packaging and extra sticky tape, etc. So figure about $400 total just to be on the safe side.

Resident Evil: Vendetta

RESIDENT EVIL: VENDETTA (June 19, 2017)
“BSAA Chris Redfield enlists the help of government agent Leon S. Kennedy and Professor Rebecca Chambers from Alexander Institute of Biotechnology to stop a death merchant with a vengeance from spreading a deadly virus in New York.”

What the stink is going on here? Did we not just have Resident Evil: The Final Chapter in 2016? (There are six RE movies in all, dating back to 2002.) As it turns out, Resident Evil: Vendetta is an animated movie, or “CG,” which obviously stands for “cartoon gunk.” Apparently, this is the third such RE animated movie. I care not for this medium. For one thing the blood looks too “illustrated.” And don’t get me started on computer-designed entrails. If you want me to watch a movie length cartoon, make It’s The Great Pumpkinhead, Charlie Brown.

Number 13

NUMBER 13 (2017)
Northern Canada, the dead of winter, and some scientists studying a wolf pack dynamics try to anesthetize and tag a wolf. The wolf awakes prematurely and attacks, but the trapped scientist bites first. This bitten wolf is infected with a disease called ‘humanity’. As the moonlight rises, this wolf is changing. When wolves chase a naked and bloody man into their camp, the scientists are shocked. This stranger can’t talk, is lost and is freezing, but from where? The first taste of danger enters the camp when the pack of wolves reappears, now fearless. Before this full moon sets, the humans will learn both the true nature of the stranger and of their own “pack dynamics”. More importantly, they will learn the true difference between wolves and humanity — the ability to lie.”

Lousy name for a reverse werewolf movie. There were Number 13’s in 2006, 2008, 2013 (looks like a sci-fi video game with “real people”), and an Alfred Hitchcock movie that was shot way the heck back before time in 1922 and never released. None of those featured reverse werewolves. (Maybe as stage hands, but certainly not actors.) So man bites dog. In the newspaper game, that’s called a lead story. Definitely an interesting premise whether you read newspapers or not. I do for the horoscopes and the funny pages. Not necessarily in that order.

Maze Runner: The Death Cure

MAZE RUNNER: THE DEATH CURE (2018)
“In the conclusion to the Maze Runner trilogy, Thomas and the surviving Gladers prepare to face off against WCKD one last time as they fight to find a cure for the deadly disease known as The Flare that has wiped out most of the world. Friendships and loyalties will be tested and the fight against WCKD will also determine who will survive in the end.”

This one’s already done and in the grocery line waiting to be checked out. Got postponed several times over reasons I don’t give an exasperated hoot about. Saw the first Maze Runner (2014), a sci-fi teen movie based on a book of all things. Did not see the sequel Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials (2015) as it had more teenagers in it. Might have to see MR: Death Cure as The Flare disease turns people, I mean teens, into sci-fi zombies. Bye-bye future teens.

My Name Is Evil

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

My Name Is Bruce

The legendary Bruce Campbell stars as himself in My Name Is Bruce (2007), or rather the version of himself as the star of The Evil Dead (1981).

My Name Is Bruce

Kidnapped by a horror fan teenager and brought to the small mining town of Gold Lick, Oregon to do battle with Guan-di, a Chinese demon god of war, Bruce thinks it’s all a gag being played on him as a birthday present from his manager.

My Name Is Bruce

Guan-di is protecting the souls of 100 dead Chinese immigrants who died in a mining disaster one million years ago, and he does this by slicing off the heads of anyone within the zip code of his scythe. Bruce, all the while, thinks it’s all a joke and wise-cracks his way through the party, referring to the town as a “fart hole” and offering a hot chick a chance to play with his “boom stick.”

My Name Is Bruce

Non-stop of laugh-out-loud moments, with p*ssed off townsfolk yelling things like, “You were the worst thing about Moontrap!” as Bruce finds out the demon is real and turns tail. Sir Campbell is in his element, tossing off sharp one-liners and hamming it up as a self-obsessed Hollywood movie star. I thought about writing ’em all down, but figured it’s way better to hear Bruce deliver the goods.

My Name Is Bruce

And speaking of goods, the hot single mom of the kid who kidnapped (so THAT’S where that term came from) Bruce is one well-rounded actress, if you get the inference. Which means there’s two more reasons to watch this movie right the heck now.

The Eeval Ded

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bach ke Zaraa

Evil just doesn’t exist in the United States – it’s everywhere, man. Why, you can’t even go to the North Pole and not encounter pure evil. (They have satanic penguins up there that’ll kill you and drink your blood. The produce guy at the grocery store told me that. I believe him. Why the heck would he lie?)

Bach ke Zaraa

So it comes as zippo surprise to find our brand of evil is being copied by other countries in need of an evil upgrade. Take for instance Bhayanak Mahal B (1988) and Bach ke Zaraa (2008, two horror movies made in the Republic of India. Both copy The Evil Dead (1981) to embarrassing extremes.

Back ke Zaraa

Bach ke Zara – unofficially referred to as Bollywood Evil Dead. In this one you have a note-for-note rendition, except they throw in skimpily attired ladies, body smooching, and a choreographed dance number featuring a mud smeared (I hope it was mud) chick and muscle-y men. (Note to India – why on Earth do you always have to put in a choreographed dance sequence in every flippin’ horror movie? What is wrong with you?)

Bhayaanak Mahal

The pronunciation-challenging Bhayanak Mahal B (you gotta say it with your throat packed with half-swallowed dry cereal), translates to Awesome Castle B. I never saw Awesome Castle A.

Bhayaanak Mahal

This one also templates The Evil Dead schtick with melty-faced demons (or it could be a vampire), suitable gore (could’ve used some more curry in the fury) and a chick in a red string bikini. (Apparently, stylish swimwear is how you combat evil in India.)

Curious to see these logic-defying foreign horror gems? They’re on YouTube™. Some versions are in bowling alley English and even sub-titled (some with their own language). But hey – free! Now there’s something worth choreographed dancing to.

Khooni Panja

P.S. If you wanna see a really goofy but still f’d up Bollywood horror movie, try Khooni Panja (1991). It’s about a an extra-marital affair gone sour, volleyball, severed limbs and demonic possession. Too bad they didn’t add, I don’t know, some sort of dance sequence. That would’ve made this thing rock.

Return of the Evil Dead

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 27, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Return of the Evil Dead

The second in four installments of the Spanish Blind Dead series, Return of the Evil Dead (aka, Return of the Blind Dead, Attack of the Blind Dead, El Ataque de los Muertos Sin Ojos/1973) begins with villagers way angry that the Templar Knights (yeah, those guys again) have been sacrificing the locals and drinking their Bloodweiser™.

Return of the Evil Dead

Rounded up to be burned alive, the head heretic vows revenge from the grave. (Wouldn’t you? I thought as much.) The villagers use their torches to burn out the knight’s eyes so they can’t find their way back to the village to revenge them in the future. Then they bury the bodies in cement crypts — in the local graveyard. Nice going, asshats; you’ve f’d your descendants in the b-hole.

Return of the Evil Dead

Five hundred years later it’s the Roasting of the Heathens Centennial BBQ & Box Social, with the whole hamlet turning out to drink, dance and rhythmic hand clap as symbolic Templar dummies are ceremoniously torched. But wasn’t this the very same day the Knights were prophesied to return from the dead for retribution purposes? Somebody forgot to check their iCalendar™.

Return of the Evil Dead

The celebration is a bust when the Knights show up to stab everyone in the eyes. Escape attempts are pitiful, which is suspect; The Knights move about as fast as Templar Slugs going uphill, and yet no one seems to outrun them. But wait, the church has a holy blow torch and a bottle of sacrament gasoline next to the storage room full of unused bibles. All praise makeshift weaponry.

Return of the Evil Dead

A few bare boobies, some blood, a sliced head and arm. If anyone had read the Templar Knight instructions, all they had to do was wait until the sun came up, then those shrouded bad boys would go happily back to their graves for another 500 years. But people would rather swing torches around than use common sense when dealing with the vengeful undead.

P.S. This use of the extended noun phrase “the evil dead” predated The Evil Dead (1981) by EIGHT WHOLE YEARS! And you didn’t think you were gonna learn anything new this day.

The Swimming Dead

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , on August 21, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead In The Water

In the predictably lifeless Dead in the Water (2006), two teen sisters take their boyfriends up to their parents’ cabin by the lake for some bra-unclasping action and zombie encounters. One of those activities is a real mood killer.

Dead In The Water

As night falls, the living dead come out of the lake and track mud all over the place. Everything is filmed so dark you can’t tell whether the zombies are wearing swim suits or not. The kills are weak, as is the storyline (something about a zombies coming back from the dead).

Dead In The Water

One of the girls finds a severed arm in the water. The zombies come back to get it. I think. Scratching herself with the dead hand, the girl becomes infected and… You know the rest.

If all of this sounds like a rehash of the The Evil Dead (1981), you get a cookie.

Alien Ghost Zombie

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 30, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Consumption

Three more upcoming horror/sci-fi treats for your viewing device. Warning: the makers of these films fully intend to charge you to watch ’em. You’d think they had rent to pay or something.

Arriving July 2016, the horror indie Consumption – already critically lauded on the film festival circuit – has been described as having a “gruesome goulash of ghosts, cults, and good ’ol demons.”

I haven’t had goulash in a long time.

Anyway, Consumption goes like this: “A group of friends travel to the snowy Utah mountains for a weekend retreat. One brings with him a dark secret that could destroy their lives forever. As they prepare to face an ancient secret buried in the woods outside their winter resort, an unstoppable evil begins to grow, consuming them one by one.”

Man, that sounds a lot like The Evil Dead (1981).

Zombinatrix

Next up is Zombinatrix (release pending 2016), starring Patty Mullen of Frankenhooker (1990) fame. It’s about a dominatrix who comes back from the dead to take revenge – as if you need a plot. Not much else in known about this one, other than it’s YET ANOTHER flippin’ zombie movie. Sigh.

The Gracefield Incident

If found footage – the karaoke of film making – is your preferred point of view, then you’ll want to check out The Gracefield Incident (release pending 2016). I watched the trailer and it looks to have some sort extraterrestrial causing usual heck for Earthers. Here’s how…

“Matt, a video game developer, embeds an iPhone™ camera into his prosthetic eye to secretly record and document a weekend with friends in a luxurious mountaintop cabin. Things take a terrifying turn when a meteorite crashes the party, forcing everyone to face the darkest, screaming nightmare while somehow connecting life, love, and loss in a twist of fear.”

Life, love, loss. Sounds like a recipe for a chick flick.

Hell Is Full Of Green Gunk

Posted in Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Drag Me To Hell

In order to advance her stimulating career as a bank loan officer, Christine Brown denies an old gypsy woman an extension on a mortgage, thereby invoking a curse, that when applied properly, will drag your soul to Hell. In other words, account closed.

Drag Me To Hell

The gypsy, who dies and comes back to enable said curse by way of a button (don’t ask), looks like one of the moms of The Evil Dead (1981). The rules are clear, though – give the cursed coat button to someone else, then their soul will burn in Hell for, like, a million years. The plan is to give the button back to the dead gypsy woman. I know what you’re thinking, but according to gypsy law, the soul never dies, hence…

Drag Me To Hell

If you can’t predict the ending at this point, go to Hell. The gypsy woman, who spends a lot of time throwing up stuff (maggots, green gunk, undigested breath mints) in Christine’s mouth, is nicely yucky. But the story and effects are as lackluster as my skills with curses.

Drag Me To Hell

Try and see if you can get through Drag Me To Hell’s (2009) seance scene without laughing or throwing up green gunk. Can’t be done.