Archive for The Evil Dead

My Name Is Evil

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

My Name Is Bruce

The legendary Bruce Campbell stars as himself in My Name Is Bruce (2007), or rather the version of himself as the star of The Evil Dead (1981).

My Name Is Bruce

Kidnapped by a horror fan teenager and brought to the small mining town of Gold Lick, Oregon to do battle with Guan-di, a Chinese demon god of war, Bruce thinks it’s all a gag being played on him as a birthday present from his manager.

My Name Is Bruce

Guan-di is protecting the souls of 100 dead Chinese immigrants who died in a mining disaster one million years ago, and he does this by slicing off the heads of anyone within the zip code of his scythe. Bruce, all the while, thinks it’s all a joke and wise-cracks his way through the party, referring to the town as a “fart hole” and offering a hot chick a chance to play with his “boom stick.”

My Name Is Bruce

Non-stop of laugh-out-loud moments, with p*ssed off townsfolk yelling things like, “You were the worst thing about Moontrap!” as Bruce finds out the demon is real and turns tail. Sir Campbell is in his element, tossing off sharp one-liners and hamming it up as a self-obsessed Hollywood movie star. I thought about writing ’em all down, but figured it’s way better to hear Bruce deliver the goods.

My Name Is Bruce

And speaking of goods, the hot single mom of the kid who kidnapped (so THAT’S where that term came from) Bruce is one well-rounded actress, if you get the inference. Which means there’s two more reasons to watch this movie right the heck now.

The Eeval Ded

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bach ke Zaraa

Evil just doesn’t exist in the United States – it’s everywhere, man. Why, you can’t even go to the North Pole and not encounter pure evil. (They have satanic penguins up there that’ll kill you and drink your blood. The produce guy at the grocery store told me that. I believe him. Why the heck would he lie?)

Bach ke Zaraa

So it comes as zippo surprise to find our brand of evil is being copied by other countries in need of an evil upgrade. Take for instance Bhayanak Mahal B (1988) and Bach ke Zaraa (2008, two horror movies made in the Republic of India. Both copy The Evil Dead (1981) to embarrassing extremes.

Back ke Zaraa

Bach ke Zara – unofficially referred to as Bollywood Evil Dead. In this one you have a note-for-note rendition, except they throw in skimpily attired ladies, body smooching, and a choreographed dance number featuring a mud smeared (I hope it was mud) chick and muscle-y men. (Note to India – why on Earth do you always have to put in a choreographed dance sequence in every flippin’ horror movie? What is wrong with you?)

Bhayaanak Mahal

The pronunciation-challenging Bhayanak Mahal B (you gotta say it with your throat packed with half-swallowed dry cereal), translates to Awesome Castle B. I never saw Awesome Castle A.

Bhayaanak Mahal

This one also templates The Evil Dead schtick with melty-faced demons (or it could be a vampire), suitable gore (could’ve used some more curry in the fury) and a chick in a red string bikini. (Apparently, stylish swimwear is how you combat evil in India.)

Curious to see these logic-defying foreign horror gems? They’re on YouTube™. Some versions are in bowling alley English and even sub-titled (some with their own language). But hey – free! Now there’s something worth choreographed dancing to.

Khooni Panja

P.S. If you wanna see a really goofy but still f’d up Bollywood horror movie, try Khooni Panja (1991). It’s about a an extra-marital affair gone sour, volleyball, severed limbs and demonic possession. Too bad they didn’t add, I don’t know, some sort of dance sequence. That would’ve made this thing rock.

Return of the Evil Dead

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 27, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Return of the Evil Dead

The second in four installments of the Spanish Blind Dead series, Return of the Evil Dead (aka, Return of the Blind Dead, Attack of the Blind Dead, El Ataque de los Muertos Sin Ojos/1973) begins with villagers way angry that the Templar Knights (yeah, those guys again) have been sacrificing the locals and drinking their Bloodweiser™.

Return of the Evil Dead

Rounded up to be burned alive, the head heretic vows revenge from the grave. (Wouldn’t you? I thought as much.) The villagers use their torches to burn out the knight’s eyes so they can’t find their way back to the village to revenge them in the future. Then they bury the bodies in cement crypts — in the local graveyard. Nice going, asshats; you’ve f’d your descendants in the b-hole.

Return of the Evil Dead

Five hundred years later it’s the Roasting of the Heathens Centennial BBQ & Box Social, with the whole hamlet turning out to drink, dance and rhythmic hand clap as symbolic Templar dummies are ceremoniously torched. But wasn’t this the very same day the Knights were prophesied to return from the dead for retribution purposes? Somebody forgot to check their iCalendar™.

Return of the Evil Dead

The celebration is a bust when the Knights show up to stab everyone in the eyes. Escape attempts are pitiful, which is suspect; The Knights move about as fast as Templar Slugs going uphill, and yet no one seems to outrun them. But wait, the church has a holy blow torch and a bottle of sacrament gasoline next to the storage room full of unused bibles. All praise makeshift weaponry.

Return of the Evil Dead

A few bare boobies, some blood, a sliced head and arm. If anyone had read the Templar Knight instructions, all they had to do was wait until the sun came up, then those shrouded bad boys would go happily back to their graves for another 500 years. But people would rather swing torches around than use common sense when dealing with the vengeful undead.

P.S. This use of the extended noun phrase “the evil dead” predated The Evil Dead (1981) by EIGHT WHOLE YEARS! And you didn’t think you were gonna learn anything new this day.

The Swimming Dead

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , on August 21, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead In The Water

In the predictably lifeless Dead in the Water (2006), two teen sisters take their boyfriends up to their parents’ cabin by the lake for some bra-unclasping action and zombie encounters. One of those activities is a real mood killer.

Dead In The Water

As night falls, the living dead come out of the lake and track mud all over the place. Everything is filmed so dark you can’t tell whether the zombies are wearing swim suits or not. The kills are weak, as is the storyline (something about a zombies coming back from the dead).

Dead In The Water

One of the girls finds a severed arm in the water. The zombies come back to get it. I think. Scratching herself with the dead hand, the girl becomes infected and… You know the rest.

If all of this sounds like a rehash of the The Evil Dead (1981), you get a cookie.

Alien Ghost Zombie

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 30, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Consumption

Three more upcoming horror/sci-fi treats for your viewing device. Warning: the makers of these films fully intend to charge you to watch ’em. You’d think they had rent to pay or something.

Arriving July 2016, the horror indie Consumption – already critically lauded on the film festival circuit – has been described as having a “gruesome goulash of ghosts, cults, and good ’ol demons.”

I haven’t had goulash in a long time.

Anyway, Consumption goes like this: “A group of friends travel to the snowy Utah mountains for a weekend retreat. One brings with him a dark secret that could destroy their lives forever. As they prepare to face an ancient secret buried in the woods outside their winter resort, an unstoppable evil begins to grow, consuming them one by one.”

Man, that sounds a lot like The Evil Dead (1981).

Zombinatrix

Next up is Zombinatrix (release pending 2016), starring Patty Mullen of Frankenhooker (1990) fame. It’s about a dominatrix who comes back from the dead to take revenge – as if you need a plot. Not much else in known about this one, other than it’s YET ANOTHER flippin’ zombie movie. Sigh.

The Gracefield Incident

If found footage – the karaoke of film making – is your preferred point of view, then you’ll want to check out The Gracefield Incident (release pending 2016). I watched the trailer and it looks to have some sort extraterrestrial causing usual heck for Earthers. Here’s how…

“Matt, a video game developer, embeds an iPhone™ camera into his prosthetic eye to secretly record and document a weekend with friends in a luxurious mountaintop cabin. Things take a terrifying turn when a meteorite crashes the party, forcing everyone to face the darkest, screaming nightmare while somehow connecting life, love, and loss in a twist of fear.”

Life, love, loss. Sounds like a recipe for a chick flick.

Hell Is Full Of Green Gunk

Posted in Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Drag Me To Hell

In order to advance her stimulating career as a bank loan officer, Christine Brown denies an old gypsy woman an extension on a mortgage, thereby invoking a curse, that when applied properly, will drag your soul to Hell. In other words, account closed.

Drag Me To Hell

The gypsy, who dies and comes back to enable said curse by way of a button (don’t ask), looks like one of the moms of The Evil Dead (1981). The rules are clear, though – give the cursed coat button to someone else, then their soul will burn in Hell for, like, a million years. The plan is to give the button back to the dead gypsy woman. I know what you’re thinking, but according to gypsy law, the soul never dies, hence…

Drag Me To Hell

If you can’t predict the ending at this point, go to Hell. The gypsy woman, who spends a lot of time throwing up stuff (maggots, green gunk, undigested breath mints) in Christine’s mouth, is nicely yucky. But the story and effects are as lackluster as my skills with curses.

Drag Me To Hell

Try and see if you can get through Drag Me To Hell’s (2009) seance scene without laughing or throwing up green gunk. Can’t be done.

Facing A Faceless Face

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fiend Without A Face

The faceless fiends in Fiend Without a Face (1958) remind me of that old Richard Pryor joke where men spend the first nine months of their lives trying to get out of the womb, and the rest of their lives trying to get back in. That’s pretty funny.

Fiend Without A Face

The previously invisible creatures eventually materialize into extra large brains with a spinal cord tails. And while they aren’t exactly trying to get back into heads, they do suck your brain and spinal cord out through two “bite marks” in the back of your neck to make more mind mates.

Fiend Without A Face

These creatures were once manifested thought brought to solid life by lightning quality electricity, the byproduct of an old fart professor scientist who had been experimenting with using his mind without his hands for decades. Big deal – I’ve been manifesting solid farts since birth.

Fiend Without A Face

For the first two-thirds of the movie you only hear this faceless creature (loud heart beats that sound like clopping footsteps), rustling leaves, torn screen doors, etc. Then you see their victims clutch the back of their necks as if being hammer-locked by an entertainment grade pro wrestler, and then immediately dying with eyes wide open and mouth agape as their brains and spinal columns are slurped out.

Fiend Without A Face

Major Jeff Cummings of the U.S. Airforce stationed in Winthrop, Manitoba, Canada for atomic energy testing next to Canadian cows, Canadian farms and Canadian Canadians called the attacks on the locals as being the work of mental vampires. (I know a lot of those.) To buy time before the brains become visible enough to fight, he spends his time mackin’ on the professor scientist’s hot assistant. (She resists at first, but then later gives up the sugar.)

Fiend Without A Face

The best part of this clunky sci-fi classic is when the brains corner a few military brass, the professor, who just moments ago confessed to creating the monsters in a concise and believable back story, a panicky local old fart, and the hot assistant.

Fiend Without A Face

Boarding up the one window and blocking the door, the brains – flying like mental Frisbees™ – get in through the fireplace chimney and punched holes in the windows. When shot by the military guys, these brains got big time splat and stop-motion dissolve into red-stained oatmeal. This is the same method used on those ick demons in The Evil Dead (1981).

So if you wanna see flying brains, guns and oatmeal splat, you don’t have to go much further than Winthrop, Manitoba, Canada.