Archive for Orca

What An Ice Hole

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 15, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Dark Below

Don’t know why, but movies set in the snow (The Abominable Snowman/1957; The Thing/1982, Dead Snow/2009, are always exciting. And hey, snow is fun! You can draw on it without using a metaphorically big pencil (don’t let the steam sting your eyes); You can make lovely patterns in it using only your butt (“snow lungs”); And you can slide on it like a freshly oiled floor and giggle like a little schoolgirl while doing it, especially if you’re drunk (every winter since I turned 21).

The Dark Below

So it’s with anticipation  I wait for the release of The Dark Below, a new horror thriller (pending 2015) making a big splash at Fantasia. As the press release says, “In this visually stunning, experimental thriller set on Michigan’s wintry frozen Great Lakes, a brutish serial killer imprisons his still-living latest victim in the watery depths. Thus begins a uniquely chilling story of survival and shocking revelation.”

Fangoria magazine goes further and declares, “You haven’t seen anything like it. This accomplished experiment in narrative storytelling tears every convention apart.”

I’m thinkin’ a snowball fight of epic proportions.

The Dark Below

Wishful thinking aside, The Dark Below, starring the legendary Veronica Cartwright, is a “terrifying tale about a divers struggle to stay alive beneath a frozen lake while a killer hunts them from above.”

I bet The Dark Below is a sort of distorted reality wherein the killer is some sort of reverse land Orca hunting humans to eat as they swim and frolic below in the icy water. Relentless pursuit has always been the hungry whale’s first line of culinary strategy.

Jaws In Your Bathtub

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jaws

“You’re going to need a bigger toy box…”

A re-casting of the famous line in Jaws (1975) in which Roy Scheider’s character Chief Martin Brody is chumming the sea with fish guts and Jaws pops out and causes Brody to pollute his pants.

Coming soon is a new Jaws ReAction toy figures by Funko™. Their website says it’ll be released in July doesn’t line up with Amazon.com’s available date of September 30. No worries – Korea will probably bootleg this thing and have it for sale by the end of today.

A Gremlins (1984) set is being released at the same time as well. But I never liked those little trouble-making toilet brushes, so put me in the “not even close to being interested” column. Nope, I want me some Jaws.

Gremlins

The coolest part is the air tank accessory, which fits as nicely in Jaws’ mouth as action figure/shark hunter Quint. (For realism they should’ve added a beer can accessory to go along with Quint’s harpoon.) Then you have marine biologist and all-around wise-guy Matt Hooper. Oddly, he looks built to the scale of Quint and Brody. In the movie Hooper is a little dude, a veritable Scooby snack for Jaws.

Each uneaten figure is sold separately for $19.99 and Jaws for $24.99 (on Amazon), or buy ’em altogether for $49.88 + $4.99 shipping. Seems reasonable given how much fun time you’ll get in the tub with these guys. OK, that didn’t come out right. Really wish they would’ve made Quint’s boat, Orca. Now I’m gonna have to use a cereal bowl carrying his next three meals for Jaws to attack/kill/eat.

Human Seafood

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 13, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Orca

Richard Harris (the first DumbledoreAlbus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, to be g*ddamn exact) plays Nolan, a barnacled sea captain who is offered many sand dollars if he can capture a great white shark for a big time aquarium. Don’t forget to pack the Band-Aids™ and tourniquets, pal.

Orca

Not knowing the difference between a shark and an orca, Nolan and his crew harpoon a female killer whale. As she’s being pulled out of the sea, she miscarriages all over the place. I was completely unaware she was pregnant, let alone married or living in sea sin.

Orca

Before the crew can haul her back to the aquarium, her mate comes to the rescue and pounds the living crap out of the fishing vessel. The decision is made to cut the female loose, which they wisely do. But the male orca is not done with them yet and eats one of the sailors. (He probably smelled enough like fish to be considered edible.)

Orca

Nolan is super unhappy about this and now it becomes a sea foam-y grudge match. Rather than stay onshore where the orca can’t ever get him, Nolan unwisely decides to go after the maddened whale. Ha – that’s all part of the orca’s plan as he leads them north to cold and icy water. (He got this idea from his good buddy, Frankenstein’s monster.)

Orca

A showdown on an iceberg clearly puts the ball in orcas’ court, wherein it gets a hold of Nolan and flings his harpoon-happy ass onto the ice. They don’t call him a killer whale for nothing. The scene where Nolan slowly slides into the water is classic – he looks like a frozen Otter Pop™ with facial hair.

Orca

If anything Orca (aka, Orca: The Killer Whale/1977) confirms my lifelong theory that you shouldn’t piss of anything with the word “killer” in its name.