Cash For Monsters, Paranormal TV, Legal Killers

Here’s a slick piece of marketing — Capcom™, maker of video games — has created a promotion around Monster Hunter: World, which has already sold over 5 million copies. Teaming with The Centre of Fortean Zoology founder Jonathan Downes, Capcom™ is offering £50,000 ($70,000 USD) “to anyone who can provide conclusive evidence of one of 10 real-life monsters”.

Fellas, get out your checkbook — of the 10 monsters, I have proof of 11. (I put Bigfoot on there twice, because he’s twice as cool as any other cryptid.) If you wanna get in on this paranormal payday action, here’s the list of Capcom’s™ Most Wanted…

• Bigfoot

• The Loch Ness Monster

• Mongolian Death Worm

• Mermaid

• Earth Hound

• The Yeti/Almasty

• Chupacabra

• The Flying Snake of Namibia

• Yowie

• Cornish Owlman

In their press release, Capcom™ says before they cough up the coin, you must provide proof of one of these monsters by June 20, 2018 in order to clock some dollaz. (After receiving the evidence, Downes and his team will analyze it, and any hunter who provides definite proof will be awarded the prize, with multiple winners splitting the pot.)

Just so you know, I’m not splitting my winnings with anyone. My bar tab ain’t gonna pay for itself. (Hint: In bars is where I found most of the monsters. But look in Taco Bell™ restroom toilets for Mongolian Death Worms.)

While you get an expedition together, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth hunting down…

RED EYE (February 9, 2018)
“Gage Barker, a young man who grew up on the tales of Red Eye as a kid, learns that there could be some truth behind these folk tales. This myth covers a violent, deranged masked murderer, who dwells in the backwoods of Black Creek, West Virginia. With a group of his friends and his camera equipment in tow, they hike into the woods to seek him out or to prove that he is nothing more than a myth.”

Violent deranged masked murderer. Four words that go together as seamlessly as “super fun happy slide.” As for the friends going into the woods to look for Red Eye (he has a conjunctivitis prone sister — Pink Eye), I call dibs on anything cool you might own.

UNSANE (March 23, 2018)
“A young woman is involuntarily committed to a mental institution. She is then confronted by her greatest fear…but is it real or is it a product of her delusion?”

Word around the produce aisle is that this movie was shot entirely on an iPhone™. Pfffft — anyone can do that because everybody in the freaking grocery store has an iPhone™. Want to really make an impression? Trying filming a horror movie using only two empty cans of Del Monte™ Creamed Corn™ tethered by a long piece of wax string. All bars in all places.

THE FIRST PURGE (July 4, 2018)
“Behind every tradition lies a revolution. Next Independence Day, witness the rise of our country’s 12 hours of annual lawlessness. Welcome to the movement that began as a simple experiment: The First Purge. To push the crime rate below one percent for the rest of the year, the New Founding Fathers of America (NFFA) test a sociological theory that vents aggression for one night in one isolated community. But when the violence of oppressors meets the rage of the marginalized, the contagion will explode from the trial-city borders and spread across the nation.”

Thanks to the current political climate, this prequel makes perfect sense. But they’re overlooking the irony; the New Founding Fathers of America (NFFA) are the ones creating the public’s aggressive behavior. Why else would the clearly Republican paperboy flip me off every day? (Okay, I may have started it. But he should be the bigger person here, the punk.)

OUR HOUSE (2018)
“A young genius accidentally invents a device that amplifies the paranormal activity within his family’s house, possibly bringing back the spirits of loved ones, and unleashing things far worse.”

Uh, no — the “young genius” didn’t invent a paranormal activating amplification device. It’s already been around for multiple decades — and it’s called a “TV”. While mine doesn’t bring back spirits of dead people, if you get the expanded programming package, you can unleash all kinds of things, far worse and beyond.

Independent Aliens

If you’re an older sci-fi fan, you no doubt watched the patriotic UFO invasion mega blockbuster, Independence Day (1996). If you’re younger and/or have not seen it, read as though your life depended on it. Or not.

An alien spacecraft 1/4 the size of the moon is headed our way. Hard to miss. The mothership spits out a few dozen “smaller” ships 15 miles across. The ships strategically position themselves over high value targets like Washington, D.C. and Hollywood, with the intent to dead kill us all with devastating beams of doom.

Before the military can respond in kind, the aliens have turned major cities all over the world into urban fire pits. Our weapons are as useless as non-alcoholic beer, with the aliens launching even smaller UFOs to further rub our faces in it.

A highly-believable plan is devised: fly the recovered UFO that double-parked in Roswell, NM in 1947 (kept in storage), into space, dock with the mothership, upload a computer virus that renders the alien’s deflecto shields inoperable, (all the while hoping an Apple™ computer can seamlessly interface with alien technology), deliver a nuclear device as a last “f*ck you,” then undock and fly home in 30 seconds without getting blown up. This all sounds like a booze dream I once had.

The alien’s arrival is stunning, as is the air combat scenes and the blowing up of entire cities. Where it slows down is with three love stories interwoven into the plot. But hey, if we didn’t have the love angle, all we’d be left with is exciting extraterrestrial action, flying saucers, bombs, and the blowing up of cities.

Still, Independence Day is one of the better alien invasion/love story movies out there.

Pilfering Horror & Sci-Fi

Led Zeppelin is getting sued for $40 million for “stealing” the opening riff that was used to create “Stairway to Heaven.” Asylum Studios – who have been outright stealing movie ideas/plots and slightly modifying the titles – get rewarded with a 15% percent profit margin on blatantly plagiarized horror/sci-fi knock-offs. Led Zeppelin should hire Asylum’s attorneys.

We’ve all seen Asylum’s robbery techniques: Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies (ripping off Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter), Transmorphers (ripping off Transformers), The Day The Earth Stopped (ripping off The Day The World Stood Still), Battle of Los Angeles (ripping off Battle: Los Angeles), and so many more, you almost can’t keep track.

Asylum continues the business model with Independents’ Day, which is set for release (June 7, 2016) in front of (!) Independence Day: Resurgence (June 24, 2016), the sequel to the 1996 blockbuster, Independence Day. And because Asylum makes these movies on the cheap (usually around $250,000.00 – and uses the SyFy Channel™ as a primary garbage delivery system – there’s no way they can’t make money.

So how much bling are we talkin’? According to Forbes Business™, averaging around $150k per film. For a studio that doesn’t have to invest any money in the creative department and cranks out between 25 and 30 “movies” a year, that adds up. As Forbes™ reports, $12 million a year in greasy gained wallet stuffers.

To be fair, not all of Asylum’s, movies are “mockumentaries.” But since the appetite for ultra low-grade cheese like Almighty Thor is insatiable, Asylum will continue to bold-face rip off intellectual properties and keeping climbing their own stairway to heaven – even though it was already built by somebody else.