UFOs Exposed, Town of Ghosts, Artistic Wolf Man

A recent headline on the LiveScience.com website: “Flying Saucers to Mind Control: 24 Declassified Military & CIA Secrets.” Talk about click bait — I haven’t been that hooked since I came across “Supermodels of the Serengeti Want To Meet You.” (Warning: they require a credit card number. Internet love doesn’t come cheap.)

Included in the dossier-busting article by Elizabeth Peterson and Denise Chow are previously-guarded government secrets, including Project 1794 (initiated in the 1950s, a team of engineers were tasked with building a flying saucer-type aircraft capable of traveling at supersonic speeds at high altitudes), Project MK-Ultra (a secret and illegal human research program examining the effects of hypnosis, biological agents and drugs, such as LSD and barbiturates, on human subjects), Project Grudge (a short-lived program launched in 1949 to study unidentified flying objects), and Acoustic Kitty (in 1967 the CIA spent millions of dollars in an attempt to train domesticated cats to spy on the Soviet Union.) Your tax dollars hard at work.

While there’s even more UFO and espionage stuff, my fav is The Kidnapping of the Lunik, where in the 1960s, there was CIA-led mission to “borrow” a Soviet lunar satellite for just one night. One evening, undercover CIA agents convinced the truck driver, who transported the satellite from city to city, to get some rest at a nearby hotel and leave the satellite in their care, the documents revealed. They then “borrowed” the Soviet orbiter — taking it apart and photographing its components — before putting it back on the truck. Gotta give the CIA serious props — that sounded like an epic beer-fueled college frat prank. 

So while you click on over to LiveScience.com to read about more UFOs and undercover house pets, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be as cool as the CIA basketball squad stealing the Soviet’s team mascot… 

THE MANDALORIAN SEASON 3 / March 1, 2023 (Disney+™)

“The journeys of the Mandalorian through the Star Wars galaxy continue. Once a lone bounty hunter, Din Djarin has reunited with Grogu. Meanwhile, the New Republic struggles to lead the galaxy away from its dark history. The Mandalorian will cross paths with old allies and make new enemies as he and Grogu continue their journey together.”

I’ve watched all the Star Wars series spin-offs and The Mandalorian is arguably the best, thanks to the jaw-dropping cinematic monster creatures (Mud Horn), awesome spaceships (Gozanti-class Assault Carrier) and glowing flashlights (sold under the brand name of “Light Sabers” at Kalevala Home Depot™). For my Imperial credits, Andor and The Book of Boba-Fett are also right up there in Star Wars’ exotic Universe, of which I would like to live or vacation every Mandalore’s full moon of Concordia. (No sunblock needed, but you will need Tookas repellent.)

GHOST TOWN / March 7, 2023 (VOD)

“The story is set in 1877 Arizona, where a drifter takes a job as a barman. After a series of bizarre and horrifying deaths, he finds himself the target of suspicion. Desperate to escape the noose, he is soon at the center of a supernatural mystery that plagues this town.”

No noose is good noose — heh. FYI: I applied for that job as a drifter/barman. My resume must gotten lost in the pony express as I never heard back. Too bad — I have vast experience being both.

STALKER / March 24, 2023 (VOD)

“Rose Hepburn, a young horror actress, returns to her empty hotel. Forced to use the old freight elevator, it jolts to a halt on the 12th floor, leaving her trapped with an unusual stranger. Left with no phone signal as a storm approaches, tensions escalate and suspicions rise when Rose discovers the identity of the mysterious man is Daniel Reed, a camera operator who is seemingly obsessed with her.”

This one stars professional wrestling icon, Bret “The Hitman” Hart. This automatically puts Stalker in the running for an Academy Award™.

BLACKOUT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A fine arts painter is convinced he’s a werewolf wreaking havoc on a small American town every full moon.”

Well, heck — when else is he gonna do it?

Star Warfare, Multiverse Monsters, Funeral Fun

If you’re partial to UFOs, Frankenstein, Samurai and vaudeville phantoms, then you need to visit ThirteenthFloor.us and immerse yourselfie in the fantastical art of Billy Ludwig, an ingenious artist dealing in mixed media, which is the artistic version of mixed martial arts. Kinda. 

Ludwig’s take on flying saucers and pop culture icons is kitschy fun. But where his talent goes next level is by juxtaposing vintage images of WWII and Star Wars: At-At Walkers, X-Wings and TIE Fighters engaging with Spitfires, battleships, bazookas, ground troops and more. As if that wasn’t cool enough, these art pieces are in black and white (one, even, being vintage colorized), lending a tangible sense of realism to make you believe this is how the war REALLY went down. Did for me, anyway.

The art is printed on high quality 12 pt. gloss card stock and sell for an average of $15. You couldn’t buy a glass of refreshing Yatooni Boska at the Mos Eisley Cantina on Tatooine with twice those New Republic credits. There’s also books and shirts emblazoned with Ludwig’s innovative designs.

So whether you wave your flag for the US Armed Forces and the Rebel Alliance or side with the Republican-led Empire, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as a cup of the Cantina’s house special: Blue Milk, which, of course, comes from female banthas. Try not to think about it…

WAKING KARMA / Out now (VOD)

“When high school senior Karma’s estranged cult leader father traps her and her mother in a remote forest compound, she must survive a series of psychological trials meant to prepare her for a strange and deadly reincarnation ritual.”

And if she gets older, Karma will look back on her high school days as the best time of her life.

2025 ARMAGEDDON / December 23, 2022 (VOD)

“A militant alien race launches an attack on Earth using gigantic creatures and geological disasters all based on those found on The Asylum’s Movie Channel signal, which reached their planet.”

Finally — the film studio known for bold-face plagiarism of successful genre movies, have finally gone all in — they’re ripping off themselves. 

SCREAMS FROM THE SWAMP / December 27, 2022 (VOD)

“When Angela’s husband and son die in hospital after a car crash, she takes it upon herself to seek justice against the doctor who operated on the pair. Desperation and obsession lead Angela into a paranoid state, dissociating her from reality. She follows the doctor day after day: behind the anonymous facade, the man hides a parallel life of depravity and murders committed together with his colleagues. Discovering these new horrors, Angela turns to dark otherworldly forces to find the strength to eliminate the killers. This decision leads her into a spiral of violence and hallucinations, where pleasure and fear intermingle but ultimately there is a high price to pay.”

Desperation, paranoia, disassociation with reality, hallucinations… You just met a Tug Tavern regular.

PLAY DEAD / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“Criminology student Chloe fakes her own death to break into a morgue in order to retrieve a piece of evidence that ties her younger brother to a crime gone wrong. Once inside she quickly learns that the fearsome coroner uses the morgue as a front for a sick and twisted business. As a frightening game of cat and mouse ensues, Isabel discovers that the scariest thing about the morgue is not the dead, but the living.”

And just what sick and twisted business would the coroner use the morgue for? A cannibal pop-up? Embalming stand? Necrophiliac kissing booth? Regardless of these guaranteed money-making ideas, you gotta appreciate his entrepreneurial spirit. 

Nutritious Horror, Fine Young Cannibals, Master of Puppets

Funko™ is known for its Pops™, which makes everything from Star Wars to Edward Scissorhands into annoyingly cute and collectible action figures. Now they’re turning horror icons into breakfast foodage. I’d rather eat Funko Pops™ than collect ‘em. My morning hunger cares not for reselling on eBay™.

This is what Funko Pop™ founder Mike Becker had to say about his company’s line of cereal: “One of the fun things is we are about to release our own line of cereal, with a mini-Pop inside. We got all the cool licenses like He-Man, Wonder Woman, Elvira Mistress of the Dark, Freddy Krueger and our own Freddy Funko. We start shipping to stores in June and we have the distribution set up and the product is pre-sold.”

Becker goes on to say that there are prizes in each $7.99 box of cereal and that when you add milk to the Freddy Krueger cereal, it looks blood red. “With the Beetlejuice cereal,” he adds, “when you add milk, it looks like slime.” I’ll assume the Elvira cereal makes its own milk. Ahem.

That said, I have GOT to have bloody and slimy milk for breakfast. Although, I’m wondering if anybody sees the irony in the fact that Freddy Krueger was a movie child molester/killer and is now being used to market enamel-eroding sugary cereal that would appeal to kids as well as adults?

While we ponder the moral ramifications of our breakfast choices, here are a few upcoming horror, sci-fi and fantasy movies to choke on…

THE HOUSE WITH A CLOCK IN ITS WALLS (September 21, 2018)
“10 year-old Lewis goes to live with his uncle in a creaky old house with a mysterious tick-tocking heart. But his new town’s sleepy facade jolts to life with a secret world of warlocks and witches when Lewis accidentally awakens the dead.”

I’d rather have warlocks and witches live in my walls than a noisy ticking clock. Those things can drive you bat-sh*t crazy with their non-stop drip-drip-drip and… Oops, sorry — I meant my leaky bathtub faucet. Clocks are okay. Hey, even the freshly woken dead need to know what time it is.

THE YOUNG CANNIBALS (2018)
“Seven friends summon a monster when they are tricked into eating burgers made of human flesh.”

Wait a second — I thought all hamburgers were made of human flesh. You mean to tell me I’ve been eating cow flesh all these years instead? I’m gonna throw up.

EL HABITANTE (2018)
When three sisters decide to break into a corrupt senator’s house to stuff their pockets. But prying it open isn’t as simple as they thought it would be. They have to drag the senator and his wife out of their bed and scare them into spilling the beans. But there are these strange noises coming from the cellar. When the girls go down to investigate, they discover not a squeaking boiler, but their victims’ paraplegic daughter. She’s tied up and looks to have been tortured. Their parents express no sign of guilt or remorse but only pure fear. They cry: ‘Whatever you do, don’t untie her!’.

Why does that sound like something my parents would say when I was growing up?

PUPPETMASTER: THE LITTLEST REICH (2018/2019)
“A recently divorced young man discovers a mint condition Blade doll in his deceased brother’s closet and plans to sell the toy at a convention in Oregon celebrating the 30th anniversary of the infamous Toulon Murders. All hell breaks loose at the Postville Lodge during the auction when a strange force animates all of the various puppets throughout the convention as they go on a bloody killing spree.”

This is one of those “are you serious?” movie franchises. Watching carved puppets go on bloody killing sprees lost its appeal right after Puppet Master II: His Unholy Creation (1990) — the first Puppet Master (1989) sequel — came out in 1990. And with the release of this 12th sequel (!), you only have yourselves to blame.

Alien Juice, Space Horses, Jedi Jamboree

An Alien Punch Fountain. Two thoughts: Why didn’t I think of that, and where can I get this thing right the heck now?

So the nutty geniuses over at Neatoco sculpted a Xenomorph (modeled after the one in Alien/1979) from the belly button up, ran a tube up places where tubes probably shouldn’t go if you’re a human, pumped Green Berry Rush™ (made by Hawaiian Punch™) through it, and presto — an Alien Punch Fountain! FYI — Green Berry Rush™ looks like a cross between real Alien acid blood spit and Prestone Antifreeze™. Wonder if it tastes like a cocktail of said handy fluids?

So can Neatoco get this thing licensed and put into production so I finally have something to spend my homemade bit coins on? I threw a few into a virtual wishing well in hopes they will.

Until that happens, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not have you gushing up green stuff…

DON’T SLEEP (September 29, 2017/limited/VOD)
“Young lovers Shawn and Zach find the perfect home to rent, with friendly couple Mr. and Mrs. Marino as their landlords. Their future seems bright until Zach begins to experience nightmares of his hellish past. These memories, once erased by electroshock therapy, slowly return, causing Zach to question his sanity. As he struggles with his psychosis, strange things start happening at the house. The threats become increasingly deadly and Zach must face the reality that the problem is no longer in his psychology. Once the threat of psychotic behavior turns into the possibility of demonic possession, Zach is confronted with a horrific reality he never could before have imagined.”

I always wanted to try electroshock therapy. Not that I need it or anything. It just sounds kinda fun. Might beat sticking my fingers in a wall socket, anyway. That loses its appeal real quick.

THE SHAPE OF WATER (December 8, 2017)
“In 1963, a mute janitor and her colleague work in a government laboratory and eventually discover an amphibious man in a water tank. The janitor, out of loneliness, befriends the creature.”

This might be Guillermo Del Toro’s (the guy behind Hellboy/2004, Pan’s Labyrinth/2006, Pacific Rim/2013, and all those Hobbit movies), alternate take on Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954), which he was supposed to remake. I e-heard that one washed up on shore. Del Toro probably decided to make something similar since he had all that movie water laying around and figured he’d put it to good use.

STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI (December 15, 2017)
“Having taken her first steps into a larger world in Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015), Rey continues her epic journey with Finn, Poe and Luke Skywalker in the next chapter of the saga.”

YET ANOTHER Star Wars movie. I’ve only been an occasional fan for one simple reason — the “license to print money” sci-fi franchise is the same movie, over and over. It’s always The Imperial Forces trading laser punches with The Rebellion, the Wile E. Coyote vs. The Road Runner of the cosmos. Lots of resistance brawling, the blowing up of future stuff, templated characters with cartoon personalities (see last sentence), and space horses called “Tauntauns.” Before they went all metro and started mopping their bathroom floors after 30 years, you could get the same thing at The Poggie Tavern at last call. P.S. Star Wars: Episode IX, YET ANOTHER one, is scheduled for May 24, 2019.

PUPPET KILLER (2018)
“Years after the mysterious disappearance of his stepmother, Jamie and his friends return to his family’s cabin that holds a very dark secret for a Christmas getaway, but the holidays always have a way of letting these things out. Convinced that his childhood puppet is a magically animated killer, will Jamie be able to save his friends from a blood body count or is he the one who is actually crazy?”

This low budget comedy horror got stalled in the stall for some time over creative and legal obstacles. (I have that same problem with my garbage man, I mean, “Waste Management Administrator.”) Once it goes through one more wringer (indie filmfest circuit), you might actually get to see if the oddly titled Puppet Killer was worth the wait.

Dinosaurs From Space

After some intergalactic police aliens — who look like turd-shaped dinosaurs — zapped a criminal who fugitive’d his probe hole to Earth, they forgot to retrieve a proprietary energy necklace and laser blast cannon (one powers the other).

A direction-less teen named Billie, who always seems to have THE LAW breathing down his neck, finds the ray gun and figures out how to use it to get back at those who wronged him, like those local bullies and that !@#$% mailbox, whose just been asking for it.

Every time Billie uses the weapon, though, he changes into a green-faced ghoul with stoned eyes and short yellow fangs that could act as teeth should he desire some beef jerky or some other chewy treat. Speaking of, back in outer space, the aliens are being chewed out by their boss for leaving the gun behind. This is done in an upper atmosphere language I have yet to master.

Billie, having some fun, blasts stuff like it wasn’t against the law, even blowing up a billboard advertising the Star Wars (1977) movie. Priceless. But the fun can’t last forever; The aliens re-arrive, and in a moment of pure irony, blast Billie with a ray gun of their own. The light blue and pink beams may not look very harmful, but they ARE. May Billie rest in pieces.

Laserblast (1978) is classic cheeseball sci-fi that wants to be serious, but falls short by a few light years. A suggestion would be to try a more manly colored ray beam next time.

Bowling Trophy Worthy Sci-Fi & Horror

Even though The Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films was founded in 1972 to honor, recognize and promote genre films, NOT ONCE have they called me to accept a bowling trophy-esque shelf ornament during their annual Saturn Awards for Excellence in the Field of Horror/Sci-Fi Blogging. I feel this is a form of snob celebrity elitism. (The bag boys at the grocery store pull rank on me as well.)

Regardless of their humiliating oversight, the Saturn Awards, taking place June 22, 2016 in Burbank, CA, looks to acknowledge the horror/sci-fi/fantasy/misc. genres with metric tons of movie stars, directors, writers and complimentary shrimp platters with cocktail sauce for dipping. And since they have a million nominating categories, I’ve picked a few to see whose in line for winning a bowling trophy-esque award.

And the nominees (with my predicted winners) are…

BEST FILM SPECIAL/VISUAL EFFECTS
• Avengers: Age of Ultron – How in the heck do they make Iron Man fly? Surely he must weigh, like, a metric ton.

• Jurassic World – Dinosaurs dishing out dino sores. Awesome, though we’ve seen it three times before.

• Mad Max: Fury Road – Best road rage action since your morning commute.

• The Martian – Zillow™ is already pricing profiling Mars’ real estate.

• Star Wars: The Force Awakens – It had to be mind-blowing because they need to keep milking the money-printing franchise.

• Ex Machina – Winner

Best usually means who had the budget to afford all those pricey eyeball delights. While each one of these should win, I’m going with smaller budgeted Ex-Machina because it shows up close and personal full front/back/top/bare bottom female nudity. So what if it’s a naked chick robot encased in synthetic bubble wrap? If you were stranded on a desert island with one, it wouldn’t be an issue.

BEST HORROR FILM RELEASE
• Crimson Peak – Visually stylish ghost story, but the boos needed more booze.

• Insidious: Chapter 3 – No.

• It Follows – Yes.

• Krampus – Kinda.

• The Visit – Sorta.

• What We Do in the Shadows – Winner

Made by the Flight of the Concords comedy troupe, What We Do In the Shadows is the best vampire movie since Let The Right One In (2008) and 30 Days of Night/2007.(My opinion only, based on recommended daily doses of sweet and refreshing adult beverages.)

BEST INDEPENDENT FILM RELEASE
• 99 Homes – I didn’t see the first 98 homes, so…

• Cop Car – I see enough of them as it is.

• Experimenter – Didn’t have enough money to experiment with the movie ticket price, so…

• Room – Didn’t see it.

• Trumbo– Didn’t see it.

• Bone Tomahawk – Winner

Cannibals versus cowboys, hands down Bone Tomahawk starring Kurt Russell should win, if only for the movie’s last 15 minutes alone. Haven’t seen it? I double dog dare you to get through the last 15 minutes without your pants squirming up into your poo portal.

BEST INTERNATIONAL FILM RELEASE
• The 100 Year-Old-Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared – Dumb title. Didn’t want to see it.

• Goodnight Mommy – Potentially.

• Labyrinth of Lies – Didn’t see it.

• Legend – Didn’t see it.

• Turbo Kid – Seriously?

• The Wave – Winner

Based on an actual event that happened before you were born, The Wave is a Norwegian disaster film about a small community situated on a fjord about to be swallowed by a 250-foot mega tsunami, the result of a mega landslide. The wild wave itself is quite spectacular, but it’s the testicle-tightening lead up and post-wave t*tty-twisting that delivers the groceries.

BEST SCIENCE FICTION FILM RELEASE
• Ex Machina – Nudity is not science fiction.

• Jurassic World – Is DNA cloning science fiction? I think not.

• The Martian – This movie was based on science fact, which negates fiction.

• Star Wars: The Force Awakens – It’s not fiction in the minds of Star Wars nerds.

• Terminator: Genisys – No.

• Mad Max: Fury Road – Winner

Mad Max: Fury Road is insanity awesome. It instantly made me want to adorn my car with gasoline-powered sharp things and drive on sidewalks at 100 m.p.h.

Less Than Hero

There’s a reason they waited 15 years to do another Gamera movie after 1980’s Gamera: Super Monster. It took that long for the worst Gamera movie ever made to be purged from our memory banks. But the thing is, I DON’T FORGET. At least when it comes to giant monster movies. So nice try, Japan. It’ll be a cold day in Kitakyushu before you can put one over on me.

Gamera: Super Monster isn’t really a stand alone movie, but rather a “greatest hits” muddled mess that relied on stock battle footage from all the other Gamera films to try and put one over on me. Zanon, an evil alien (aren’t they all?) arrives in our atmospheric zip code in a spaceship that looks suspiciously like the Imperial I-class Destroyer from Star Wars (1977). You hear his boom-y voice as he commands a Japanese (?) chick alien enlistee to enslave all of humanity. I think not; first they gotta get by Gamera, the giant turtle with reverse walrus tusks and fire that shoots out of every orifice.

Where this thing rolls over on its back and can’t get up is when the three Superwomen, also from space (but working in disguise at pet shops and driving around in a Scooby Doo™ type mystery van), do some choreographed kung-fu cheerleader moves and suddenly appear in costume to put a screeching halt to this enslavement hoo-haw.

One of the Superwomen befriends a small boy with really f’d up teeth (think Timmy from South Park) who has a psychic connection to Gamera, whom the overdubbed voices think is pronounced “guh-MARE-uh” instead of something that sounds like “camera.” She gives him an enslaved turtle from the pet store, not knowing little bugger is you-know-who.

Too much plot. Time to cram in stock footage of Gamera smack-smacking all his other foes: Gyaos (vampire pterodactyl with an anvil shaped head – an ongoing pain in Gamera’s protective shell), Jiger (fat ass dinosaur), Guiron (space reptile with a head shaped like a chef’s knife), Viras (giant space squid, who, when cooked properly, could be served with rice balls and any variety of noodles), Zigra (a flying shark with razor sharp dorsal fins designed to cut the gut of enemies and then feast on their guts), and Barugon, the lizard with the longest tongue ever. And he can fart rainbows. Not kidding, he really does.)

The Spacewomen don’t do much more than change their clothes every five minutes and hang around while the evil space woman tries to get the other monsters to make turtle soup out of Gamera so Zanon can assume the position. Then there’s the painfully prolonged scene where she and the f’d up tooth boy transport to the beach to watch the monsters piledrive each other (cut to the stock footage), with no one else in the city even noticing the kaiju are even there.

The previous seven Gamera movies – known as the Shōwa series – are camp classics, mostly made for kids, but highly entertaining to adults when augmented by some Sapporo tall boys. Note: There was supposed to be Gamera vs. Garasharp in 1972, but the movie studio went bankrupt and they sold everything to Tokuma Shoten, who promptly lifted his kimono and squeezed out the mega-turd Gamera: Super Monster. Okay, uncalled for stereotyping; He probably wore Dockers™.)

Now that I think about it, they missed the boat here; a sure fire hit would’ve been to make a movie called Gamera vs. Mega-Turd. Then, as a sequel, they could’ve followed up with Gamera vs. Mecha-Turd. I have a script ready if Japan is interested in reclaiming their pop film culture heritage.

Final note: If Gamera: Super Monster didn’t make you give up on giant turtles altogether, I beseech you to check out the three in the Heisei series: Gamera: Guardian of the Universe (1995), Gamera 2: Advent of Legion (1996 – arguably one of the best giant monster movies ever made) and Gamera 3: Awakening of Irys (1999). What followed is a prequel of sorts for the Millennium series called Gamera the Brave (2006). Extraordinarily dumb, at least Gamera, as a teenager, fights Zedus, a fairly gnarly kaiju who beats the sea water out of Gamera to the point you want the ref to stop the match. I’m big into Gamera (love you, mean it), but I got a lot of satisfaction watching the beatdown. I’m a sick dude.