Archive for British

Icy Horror, Chilling Ghosts, Cold Demons

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Want a real life/real time horror story? A Yahoo!.com science article published on Thursday, July 13, 2017 stated that unchecked climate change will eventually lead to widespread devastation on Earth. To that I say, YEESH! intentionally in all caps.

The jolting article, written by Business Insider’s Kevin Loria, goes on to say, “Rising seas will inundate coastal cities like Miami, searing heat will increase human mortality, and acidic oceans will become inhospitable to fish and coral, leaving behind little but rubbery masses of jellyfish. These consequences of human activity could be the thing that prevents our civilization from advancing much further. In a particularly extreme scenario, it could even wind up wiping us from the face of the Earth.” (They had me at “rubbery masses of jellyfish.”)

This information is timely given that a trillion ton glacier chunk the size of Delaware recently broke off the Antarctica ice shelf (it’s like a cupboard for frozen water), an event horizon that portends mega doom for at least more than a few Emperor penguins and/or whale-eating polar bears. And all this time I presumed aliens would zap our sorry asses, suck up all the valuables (gas, alcohol, bit coins, frozen burritos) and head back to Mars for a kick ass party.

Geostorm

Earth-ending weather-gone-wild horror movies are nothing new (the most recent upcoming  being Geostorm/2017), but to have it all come to real life is a whole different box office.

Speaking of, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies we may or may not get to see once that huge iceberg smashes into our neighborhoods and precious 7-Elevens™. But hey, at the very least, beer will be the coldest it’s ever been!

Planetarium

PLANETARIUM (August 11, 2017/New York — August 18, 2017/Los Angeles)
“In 1930s France, two sisters who are thought to be able to communicate with ghosts meet a visionary producer while performing in Paris.”

Interesting fun fact: All French people can communicate with ghosts, or “des fantômes.” And yes, it has everything to do with drinking a quart of wine per meal.

Ghost House

GHOST HOUSE (August 25, 2017)
A young couple, Jim and Julie, are vacationing in Thailand where Julie falls in love with photographing small shrines called ‘Ghost Houses’ that are believed to give spirits shelter and comfort. A couple of British travelers take them into the countryside with the promise of showing Jim and Julie a ghost house graveyard where many of the shrines are discarded. After leaving the graveyard with a souvenir, Julie is increasingly plagued by visits from a malevolent spirit that threatens both her sanity and her life. After Julie is literally frozen in a state of terror, Jim must find a way to lift the curse before he loses Julie to the ghost world forever.”

Yeah, you don’t wanna shoplift in graveyards. First, said item(s) are always gonna be marinated in evil. Secondly, you don’t want stealing from the dead on your record. As for the Ghost Houses, rent is oddly steep for those things. I looked ‘em up on Zillow.com. You can see pics of inside these houses and it looks like someone lives there — but you never actually see people in the photos. Sounds like ghosts to me.

Exorcism of the Dead

EXORCISM OF THE DEAD (2017/2018)
“Candace, a deeply troubled young woman, is possessed by an ambitious demon. Her family has tried every conventional method to heal her, but both medicine and psychology have failed. As a last resort, they reach out for aid from the church, unaware the priest who arrives to deal with the situation has his own dark secrets.”

This premise has been done and overdone more times than I’ve been exorcised (47 and counting. Note to stupid preachers — not possessed, just drunk-ish.) But I take my collar off for the demon’s sticktoitiveness work ethic.

Steel Monsters, Dying As Art, Hell Boys & Girls

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hank Boyd Is Dead

I’ve come to the unassailable conclusion that laying on the couch (in any direction) should be recognized as a form of exercise. And like working out, are you not tired after seven hours of laying there watching monster movies? Same as exercise. I rest my case.

Speaking of things that are lazy, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies (or “films”) that may or may not had  some sort of effort put into with the title or the plot…

HANK BOYD IS DEAD (June 27, 2017)
“Struggling actress/caterer Sarah Walsh is left alone to tend to the post-funeral gathering for Hank Boyd, a quiet loner who stood accused of a horrific crime. She knew Hank in high school and finds it hard to believe that he could do anything terrible. However, her opinion begins to change after she meets Hank’s brother David as the family’s secrets are exposed and the bodies pile up. If she hopes to survive and all because…Hank Boyd is dead.”

Sounds more like a CW™ mini series than a movie. Boring title, which indicates “meh” across the board. And before you start e-yelling at me for prejudging, I have watched “horror” movies almost exactly like this for years and decided to move on to more entertaining ventures, like street corner begging and dumpster diving.

The Wolf Man

UNIVERSAL CLASSIC MONSTERS (September 12, 2017/Best Buy)
“Seven classic Universalmonster movies are getting the steelbook treatment, each featuring stunning black & white art by Alex Ross. The following films will be part of the collection: The Wolf Man (1941), The Invisible Man (1933), Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954), The Mummy (1932), Dracula (1931), Bride of Frankenstein (1935) and Frankenstein (1931).

Gotta hand it to Universal for finding new ways to re-package the same seven monster movies they built their empire on nearly 90 years ago. This time they’re putting the classic horror movies in steel boxes, not unlike what you would put a peanut butter sandwich in to nosh on during recess.

This is not a new concept; World Market™, purveyors of over-priced wicker couches, has been selling Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein metal hors devours trays every Halloween for years. I have the whole set. Still don’t know what “hors devours” are (sounds like a cannibal hooker). But licensed and over-priced trays are handy to put snacks on. Not crackers, though; those dang things slide right off onto your shag carpet, where crumbs are nearly impossible to get out.

Flesh of the Void

FLESH OF THE VOID ( 2017/2018)
Flesh of the Void is an extreme experimental horror feature, visualizing what it could feel like if the act of dying was a truly horrible experience. Shot extensively on Super 8 and 16mm, it is intended as a disjointed, surreal trip through the deepest and most violent fears of the human condition, depicting its subject in a radical, grotesque and raw manner, refusing to shy away from societal taboos.”

Pfffft — I go through the act of dying every time the bartender yells, “Last call!” Do like the premise, though, as I pretty much assumed kicking the bucket was a black (or white) affair. Black is where you go if you have unresolved anti-Bible skeletons in your closet. Or some ratty farm with Black Phillip landlording the place. I have no reference to the white end game. Maybe a Seattle beach during one of the three days it actually sunshines up here and everybody comes out of their caves with nearly translucent and sickly skin.

Hellboy: Rose of the Blood Queen

HELLBOY: RISE OF THE BLOOD QUEEN (in production/2018)
“This franchise reboot is reportedly aiming for an R-rating and a horror movie style. In the Hellboy comics, the ‘Queen of Blood’ is a powerful British witch, also known as The Lady of the Lake.”

Lady of the Lake. Wasn’t that the name of a tepid M. Night Shyamalan movie back in 2006? And wasn’t in a condo swimming pool as opposed to a lake? I would’ve changed the movie’s title, too; Lady in the Swimming Pool just doesn’t have enough zing. But I digress — happy to see Hellboy being re-booted. Now if they could just do the same thing with Plastic Man

Leprosy Zombies, Ghosts Students, Fake Moon

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Magnificent Dead

Watching YET ANOTHER “the moon landing was faked” documentary. This is a British version. British people are too polite to lie. As for where I stand on this unending conspiracy, I do not believe our astronauts landed on the moon. I believe NASA built an artificial moon a few blocks from my apartment. That’s where they shot the footage and thereby faked the entire thing.

Only problem is, they didn’t get rid of the man-made moon and it’s just sitting there, all moldy and looking like an abandoned World’s Fair attraction. That, and it’s pull on our tides is screwing with my bath water. Stupid fake moon.

And here’s some upcoming horror and sci-fi that may or may not need to go in and/or out with the tide…

THE MAGNIFICENT DEAD (available now)
“In the 1870s in the small Texas town of Rosewood, local rancher Jared Hamilton and his men have declared war on the town, using fear and death to prevent a new railroad line from coming through. Guided by a priest, Father Julian the desperate town leaders decide to hire a group of six gunmen to help clean up the town. These gunmen are legendary, as they are afflicted with Leprosy and fight with reckless abandon and ruthlessness, for they have nothing to lose as they are already dead.”

Back in those days, lepers is what sick people were called instead of zombies/walking dead/undead/straddling the life/death fence’rs. The town leaders should’ve called on the Old West’s Jonah Hex because he’s a lot less “germ-y.” (Antibiotics weren’t invented until 1929 and then commercialized in the ’40s. I have no idea why I know that.)

Inheritance

INHERITANCE (June 2, 2017/Limited)
Ryan Bowman has just inherited a $2.5 million beach house on the central California coast from his biological father, a man he’s never known and thought long dead. Arriving in the charming town with his pregnant fiancé, Ryan’s curiosity about his father soon leads him into an introspective investigation. As a looming family presence tightens its grip on him, Ryan pushes away his adoptive family and expectant fiancé. When he finally discovers the horrifying truth about his birth parents, he might be too late to stop himself from repeating a similar pattern.”

Who cares? A $2.5 million dollar beach house?!? Geez, quit yer b*tchin’ and TAKE THE MONEY. Some people don’t know when to just shut up and make their way towards the cake.

The School

THE SCHOOL (2017/2018)
Amy, an attractive, successful surgeon, struggles to cope with her emergency room duties and those of a young mother looking after her hospitalized son who has fallen into a coma. After being reprimanded by her boss, Dr. Wang, for obsessively believing her son will wake up, she becomes trapped in a coma/purgatory of her own – The School – where children from her past emerge to taunt and test her to her core, putting in doubt whether Amy will be able to save her son and leave The School.”

Her boss is Dr. Wang? Wonder if he’s a urologist?

POSSUM (2017/2018)
“A disgraced children’s puppeteer returns to his childhood home and is forced to confront his wicked stepfather and the secrets that have tortured him his entire life.”

You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you end up as a disgraced puppeteer. That’s right in there with being self-employed and hating the guy you’re working for.

Inner Demons, Outer Ghosts, Rock Gods

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Demon Inside

Quite happy to see riveting TV series The Exorcist and Gotham getting renewed second and fourth seasons respectively. Still hoping the SyFy Channel™ continues with Channel Zero. That one was quite couch gluer. This comes amid news that TV stations are canceling shows left and right. Why don’t you just cut off my blood supply, you numbers-crunching douchebags?

While we wait to see who else makes the chopping block, here’s a few just-released and upcoming horror movies to take your mind off the cancellation of Emerald City after one season instead of YET ANOTHER season of the weak Fear of the Walking Dead, which has been a mixed laundry load mess from episode one..

THE DEMON INSIDE (available now/VOD)
“Years after his release from jail, Sam Parsons is trying to build his life with his wife Courtney and their young daughter Harper. He works hard to provide for his family and afford their beautiful home in their quiet suburban neighborhood. When supernatural occurrences start to happen in the house, Sam fears for the safety of his wife and daughter. When the occurrences turn into attacks, Sam hires Corbin Carlysle and his reality TV show ghost hunting team known as ‘The Ghost Killers’ to help him battle the dark entity that’s lurking in the shadows of his home. To win this fight Sam must battle his own inner demons and revert back to his violent past. In order to save the ones he loves, a Demon must face a Demon.”

Inner demon versus outer demon. That’s like trying to suppress a fart in church as opposed to someone sitting next to you in said holy structure just falling shy of crapping his/her pants. (Guess that’s why they call ‘em “pews.”) Probably a her, though. Lady flatulence may be perfume fragrant, but dang are they funny.

THE LOST CASE (available now/VOD)
The Lost Case is a found footage horror film based on a popular television show, Ghost Doctor TV. With a first-person perspective, the audience gets to see the story first-hand through the eyes of the show production crews, Itt and Por.”

Only a ghost hunting team would be made up of people with names like Itt” and “Por.” Can’t get real jobs with names like that, not even at Kinkos™, who will hire street kids with pink hair. They should’ve stuck with Ghost Doctor TV as the title, though. A proctology exam conducted by a medically-trained poltergeist would be a LOT less invasive.

Killswitch

KILLSWITCH (available now/VOD)
“A military experiment to harness unlimited energy goes horribly awry, leaving a pilot with no choice but to fight through an imploding world to save his family and the planet itself.”

Don’t let the bland press release fool you. This one looks to be a real earth-burner, what with the world exploding/imploding (same thing) and such. Glad I don’t live there,

Griffin's Ghost

GRIFFIN’S GHOST (2017)
Griffin Kidder is a career New Yorker with a strong yearning to be a mother. Ready to start a peaceful life outside the city, Griffin and her construction-savvy husband purchase a dilapidated house to renovate, only to discover the suburban home already has residents: a scarred family of apparitions.”

Hide And Seek

Serviceable if not stock ghost story. However, I do take issue with the key art, which looks a heckuva lot like 2005’s Hide And Seek. I swear, sometimes I have the associative recognizance of a beaver or community college educated lemur.

A Beginner's Guide To Snuff

A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO SNUFF (June 16, 2017)
“Two brothers kidnap an actress, torture her, and make her think she is going to die.”

The trailer is hilarious, which makes me think this is a family comedy with swear words. It also echoes 2008’s British horror comedy The Cottage, with the stunningly multi attractive Jennifer Ellison turning the tables on her dumbass captors. Say what you will about supermodels — when cornered, they can really kick some arse.

Chris Cornell

More Sharks, A Few Killers, A Bunch of Superheroes

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 28, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

47 Meters Down

Been watching a lot of trailers for the spring/summer movie season. The two I really spazz out over are the ones for Justice League and Wonder Woman. (By the way, you can buy Wonder Woman stamps at the post office. I often go there to see if my picture has yet to be added to the wall.)

The one that isn’t doing a thing for me is the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. It looks like a half-assed version of the first movie, which came out in 2014. Getting a chuckle, though from the new Thor: Ragnarok trailer. Big T faces down the Hulk in some sort of forced battle arena (i.e., Christians vs. The Lions pay-per-view, 80 A.D.)

Speaking of chuckling, here’s some upcoming horror movies that by definition should make you laugh, since there hasn’t been a really scary movie since The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966). And no, The Blair Witch Project (1999) wasn’t remotely scary. Don’t believe the hype.

47 METERS DOWN (June 6, 2017)
“On the rebound after a devastating break-up, Lisa is ready for adventure while on vacation in Mexico. Even still, she needs a little extra persuasion when her daring sister suggests they go shark diving with some locals. Once underwater in a protective cage, Lisa and Kate catch a once in a lifetime, face-to-face look at majestic Great Whites. But when their worst fears are realized and the cage breaks away from their boat, they find themselves plummeting to the bottom of the seabed, too deep to radio for help without making themselves vulnerable to the savage sharks, their oxygen supplies rapidly dwindling.”

Yes, you’re, like, double correct; I previewed this on June 30, 2016. I had just combed my hair in a stylish fashion. But that was when they title the movie In The Deep, which sucks clam juice. They changed it to that from 47 Meters Down. Now they changed it back. Geez, pick a lane, Lois. And they changed the key art AGAIN, but this time it’s better than the Art Institute™ version it was before. It’s also a year late in getting in front of my attentive eyeballs. Better get here soon; I’m getting the urge to comb my hair again.

Polaroid

POLAROID (August 25, 2017)
“High school loner Bird Fitcher has no idea what dark secrets are tied to the Polaroid™ vintage camera she stumbles upon, but it doesn’t take long to discover that those who have their picture taken meet a tragic end.”

This one echoes Stephen King’s 1990 novella “The Sun Dog” from his Four Past Midnight collection.  If you haven’t read it, you probably should. Haunted Polaroid™ in that one as well. And it’s okay to move your lips whilst reading it. I do it all the time, even when I’m typing. Feels like I’m having a friendly conversation with my self. As for the camera that kills, let’s give it to all those selfie-prone people. On that subject — stop taking pictures of yourself; you’re not as good looking as you think. And quit sucking in your cheeks and pursing your lips — you look like a Grouper fish about to take the bait.

Deep In The Woods

DEEP IN THE WOODS (September 27, 2017)
“Tommi, a 4-year-old child, disappears during an annual Krampus festival. Five years later, a child was found nameless and without documents. DNA matches — he is Tommi. Manuel, the father, can finally embrace his son. The mother, Linda, however, cannot adapt to the new situation. As suspicion digs inside her: what if that child is not really her son?”

It’s probably Tommi, but he’s likely p.o.’d that they didn’t finish spelling his name before sending him out into the woods to gather Krampus snacks. Wonder if he’s possessed by the spirit of the Pine Cone King? Hey, if you believe in Krampus, you’d probably fall for anything.

Downhill

DOWNHILL (October 10, 2016 / UK / 2017 U.S.)
“After his best friend dies in a racing accident, biking star Joe agrees to go back on the wheels for an exhibition in Chile. On a test run with his girlfriend Stephanie, they stumble upon a badly injured man dying from a mysterious virus. That’s the start of a very bad day for them as they become the target of relentless killers ready to do anything to keep their secret from going out of the mountains.”

This one came out in England in October 2016. Looked for it in non-British places, but have yet to find it. So yeah, biking horror. There’s something new-ish. I bet the dying guy was infected with boredom. Or a hickey from the (wait for it)…PINE CONE KING! Now there’s a horror movie worth pursuing.

Teen Exorcisms, Tall Phantoms, Big Pigs

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

American Exorcism

Finished binge watching the third season of From Dusk Till Dawn: The Series (2014 – 2017) and the Gecko Brothers locked horns with the Queen of Hell. Gotta say, in human form, she’s quite the looker. But in demon shape she has black/blue lava textured skin, well-flossed snake fangs, Predator hair and a dress Morticia Addams would kill for. Not seeing how she differs from all the other gals at the bowling alley, though.

Speaking of things not that different, here’s a pile of upcoming horror that you’ve seen before, whether you bowl or not…

AMERICAN EXORCIST (May 2, 2017 / VOD — August 1, 2017/DVD)
Damon Richter thought he left the world of possessions, exorcisms and evil behind until an old friend arrives with frightening information about his estranged daughter knowing that only his otherworldly skills can save her.”

The possessed teen is probably just going through puberty, in which case, we’re ALL doomed. Dude, just sprinkle anything labeled Clinique around the house, buy her an iPhone™ and NEVER come into her room without knocking, lest ye be damned.

Even Lambs Have Teeth

EVEN LAMBS HAVE TEETH (May 2, 2017)
“Dreaming of a trip to NYC, the beautiful Sloane and Katie leave for the countryside to earn money working on an organic farm. But on the way they are kidnapped and abused by a sinister family of small-town psychopaths. When the girls finally escape, they decide to return to the scene of the crime and settle the score. It’s not pretty.”

So organic farm hippie chicks have a streak for revenge. How do they think they’re gonna do that — make their torturers eat canned vegetables loaded with GMOs? As for small town psychopaths, aren’t they pretty much in every small town? This is what happens to society when you have no 7-Eleven™ or Starbucks™ within impulsive spitting distance.

Tall Men

TALL MEN (May 9, 2017)
“Terrence Mackleby claims bankruptcy after being over $80,000 in debt. His private world is turned upside down when Terrence is visited by strange demons and tall phantoms in business suits after he applies for a mysterious black credit card, in this nightmarish Holbrookian vision.”

This one used to be called Customer 152. I like Tall Men slightly better, though said height gifted men look like Slenderman’s neighbors. So demons and phantoms wear business suits to work. I guess casual Fridays don’t apply in other dimensions.

Boar

BOAR (2017)
Boar showcases the harsh and beautiful Australian landscape. Lurking within this picturesque setting is a dark and terrifying threat — a beast of staggering size with an uncontrollable desire for blood and destruction. Driven by its insatiable appetite for carnage, it defends its territory with brutal force and savagely takes on any who get in its way.”

With a press release this generic, all you have to do is swap out the title to Razorback (1984), Pighunt (2008), Chaw (aka, Chawz, 2009), Hogzilla (2014). But you’d already know that if you read my preview of this one back in November 4, 2015 (And it still doesn’t have a specific release date, but sometime in 2017.) I’ll re-state it: they should change the movie’s name to Bore.

Rearview

REARVIEW (2017/2018)
“Nicky is a young woman traveling alone to meet her band mates — through the back roads of the British countryside — who escapes the clutches of a dangerous stranger. Her road trip soon turns from bad to worse as she finds herself running for her life as she attempts to escape a serial killer and the hordes of predatory locals in the area known as ‘The Highway of Tears’.”

This one smells like 1986’s The Hitcher. Hope she’s the singer of the band. Can you imagine if she was the drummer? Hauling a drumset around the British countryside, let alone from the band van to the backstage door, is a royal pain in the tom tom.

Wet Ghosts

Posted in Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Reeds

The problem with boating through dense reeds (like a marsh, only with pointier stuff growing) isn’t the loss of your sense of direction or the ghost kids who live in there. It’s that boats have a tendency to involuntarily leak when it runs into, say, an iron cage with a skeleton in it.

The Reeds

Six British friends out for a weekend float, get lost in the reeds looking for a pub. It’s starting to rain, it’s getting dark, and the radio won’t work. An attempt to navigate the shallow waters results in an iron spike being driven into the boat’s hull — and into the stomach hull of one of the passengers. His fiancé is freaking out because the ring isn’t paid for yet.

The Reeds

Seeing a blazing fire in the middle of the wetlands, one of the guys swims towards it, only to find a bunch of teenagers who don’t talk, but are roasting wild dogs and water rats for dinner. I’m not familiar with English dining practices, but what does one season a wild dog with — flea salt?

The Reeds

What follows is a super gnarly chain of events, resulting in massive blood loss, boat loss, and skin loss. Freakier still is another boat quietly floating by. That in itself isn’t unusual. But that it’s the same exact boat with the same name, is. Through the rain and the dark and the gooning out, one of the passengers sees himself on the other vessel, looking back at him. That’d be enough for me to pollute the water.

The Reeds

The marina operator shows up in a dinghy and takes one guy back with the promise of getting help. He’s a rat-eating liar. All he really wants to do is chase down the kids and shoot ’em in the head, face and chest. He’s a good shot, too; Nary a wasted bullet. If the movie ended right there it’d be pretty cool. But leaping into supernatural territory, the past overlays the present, and the reason for the bodies in the underwater cages and the face-blasted kids who don’t really seem to die is a blind-sided punch.

The Reeds The boat shop owner is shown committing suicide, over and over. At first if you don’t succeed. And the kids are shotgunned, over and over. Something’s gotta give. As fate would have it, one of the girls on the boat is related to the mystery — and it’s a doozy. (Is that how you spell doozy? I couldn’t find it on dictionary.com.)

The Reeds

The Reeds (2010) doesn’t exactly make it clear on how the boat guy ties into the kids, but it’s a firm thrill all the same. Still can’t imagine why anyone would want to go boating in the reeds, which have the scenic appeal of unmown lawns. Must be a British thing.