Archive for British

End of The World, Heritage Alligators, All Colors Matter

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Planet X

In a recent AOL.com article written by Lindsay Granger, it appears the YET AGAIN Christian prophesied end of the world is scheduled to happen on April 23, 2018. And how will this come to be? That stinky Planet X is scheduled to usher in the Nibiru cataclysm. Seems kinda mega-harsh. More so when you find learn that ominous space rock doesn’t even have one 7-Eleven™ on it. End of the world, indeed.

The Washington Post wrote that “Planet X’s imminent arrival has been predicted so many times before, in so many newspapers, and its existence has been debunked so thoroughly by NASA, that we are struggling to find anything interesting to say about the latest round of panic and hyperbole.”

Planet X

Hocking a biblical loogie in the face of that, David Meade — a Christian numerologist — insists that on April 23, the sun, moon and Jupiter will align in the constellation Virgo and bring forth the start of biblical rapture. The Daily Express, counters with a nicely placed dick-slap to that theory, saying scientists have dismissed these claims, noting that this alignment occurs once every 12 years. (On that proclamation, the Earth already collided with another planet in 2011’s Melancholia. It was neato.)

Melancholia

IF the end of the world happens on April 23, 2018, I’d better get my laundry done; One should always wear a clean pair of britches to the apocalypse. And while we wait for our impending/un-impending doom, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you rapturous…

Lake Placid: Legacy

LAKE PLACID: LEGACY (May 28, 2018)
“Taking place several years after the events of the original film, Legacy finds the team of young explorers out to reveal the secrets of an area removed from modern day maps and hidden behind electric fences. However, once they reach the center of the lake, they discover an island that harbors an abandoned facility with a horrific legacy: the island is home to a deadly predator eager to feast on those dumb enough to ignore the warnings.”

Even though Lake Placid (1999) became exponentially sillier with each sequel (I’m looking in your direction Lake Placid vs. Anaconda/2015) — you really can’t go wrong with a 30-foot alligator making Scooby snacks out of those who would dip their meaty limbs in his bathtub. So yeah, unbitten thumbs up for this one.

Bad Samaritan

BAD SAMARITAN (May 4, 2018)
“A valet develops a clever scam to burglarize the houses of rich customers. Things go smoothly until he robs the wrong customer, and discovers  a woman being held captive in the home. Afraid of going to prison, he leaves the woman there and makes a call to the police, who find nothing when they investigate. Now, the valet must endure the wrath of the kidnapper who seeks revenge on him, all while desperately trying to find and rescue the captive woman he left behind.”

A criminal with a moral conscious. Quit your day job, dude. Might be a cool twist, though, if he kidnapped the kidnapper. I wouldn’t begin to know what to call that.

Attack of the Adult Babies

ATTACK OF THE ADULT BABIES (June 11, 2018)
“The aftermath of a shocking home invasion forces three frightened family members to break into a remote country manor and steal top secret documents. Little do they know the stately pile is also the clandestine venue where a group of high-powered elderly men go to take refuge from the stresses and strains of daily life by dressing up in nappies and having a bevy of beautiful nurses indulging their every perverse nursery whim. Nor do they realize this grotesque assembly is compelled to refuel the world’s economy by very sinister, sick and monstrous means. As the bodily fluids hit the fan, the bloody carnage and freaky weirdness escalates.”

From early reviews: “Attack of the Adult Babies is disgusting, depraved, brave, bonkers, brilliant and quintessentially British in its humor and depravity.” Sounds like they have all the bases covered, although seeing elderly men in diapers might be a glimpse of my future.

Monochrome

MONOCHROME: THE CHROMISM (2018)
“Traded and sold like currency, the outcast people known as ‘Hues’, are hunted down after turning color in a black and white world.”

A black and white world that starts to turn into technicolor has been done before with 1998’s Pleasantville. That was a comedy. This one sounds more not comedy.

The Darkness of Corners

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 29, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dark Corners

Dark Corners (2006) is a graphic psychological horror movie that bends reality for a young and totally hot blonde wife whose experiencing horrific nightmares. Unfortunately, she does this without the solution-solving cure-all: going topless.

Dark Corners

Um, lemme try that again. A serial killer is all over the news, eviscerating his victims with surgical expertise. This provides the grim backdrop for the gal whose been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant, but having nightmares so real as to short-circuit her sense of reality.

Dark Corners

She dreams of being a Goth chick with black hair who works for a ghoulish mortician whose twin brother slept-walked out a seven story window the day before their twelfth birthdays. (“It wasn’t so bad…I got all of his presents.”) This alternate chick is being stalked by the Night Stalker (hence, the clever name) and rides the bus with messed up creeps and whose bathroom looks like the rest room in Saw (2004). Not even Scrubbing Bubbles™ could get that thing “guests coming over” clean.

Dark Corners

But hold the phone — the Goth chick is dreaming she’s the blonde chick living in the corporate world whose co-worker, an older gal, says stuff like, “After three kids, my vagina has all the elasticity of an over-washed tube sock.” Thanks for the visual, aging lady. But the nightmares for both women get worse, with the Night Stalker doing really nasty stuff, like having non-consensual sex with the Goth girl after he punches her unconscious while she’s asleep. Eventually he knocks her up after he knocks her out.

Dark CornersThe blonde chick dreams this. The doctor says its all a by-product of the doctor-assisted fertilization process. (Since they can’t get pregnant the time-honored way, then needles and spatulas it is.) She’s also been going to a hypno-therapist to get to the root of her disturbed sleep time. He’s hiding something, and it’s not just his delightful British accent.

Dark CornersSeveral scenes might have you saying stuff like, “Eeewwww,” and, “That’s soooo icky,” and “He DID NOT just lick that aborted fetus.” At no point can you tell which way this thing is going. As the two realities converge, the mental pu pu platter hits the fan.

Dark Corners

I suppose I could tell you about the displaying of stomach parts, the demon kid that chews holes in flesh and the talking corpse with a boner (“Just break it — like a carrot.”) Really, it’s best to see if for yourself.

Cloverfield in Space, The Search for Bigfoot, Mutant Fish ‘n Chips

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 5, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Cloverfield Paradox

The big horror/sci-fi news came on the cleated heels of Superbowl LIIThe Cloverfield Paradox (2018), a highly anticipated installment in the Cloverfield franchise — showed up on Netflix™ the second the world’s most overpaid football game ended. This caused my blood pressure to go off the charts as the movie was first titled God Particle. Then it had a movie theater release date, but scrapped that a the last minute and put it up on Netflix™. I did what anyone would do in this situation — drink a refreshing adult beverage to regain self control, and then watched it.

Here’s the premise…

“An American space station that, after an accident with a particle accelerator, suddenly finds that Earth has vanished altogether. Things get stranger when they then pick up traces of another space station nearby.”

The Cloverfield Paradox

Rather bland considering it was meant to tie up loose ends left loose by Cloverfield (2008) and 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016). But critics were not impressed and had this to say about the admittedly confusing movie: “A trainwreck of a sci-fi flick bent on extending a franchise that should have died a peaceful death almost exactly one decade ago…”Hollywood Reporter; “While there are a handful of nifty sequences and good performances overall, this feels like a blown-out pilot for one of those SyFy™ series you always mean to get around to but never do…”Thrillist; and more succinctly, The Cloverfield Paradox is an unholy mess…”The Guardian. Ouch.

The Cloverfield Paradox

Whether or not you watch it and decide to go all mob mentality on The Cloverfield Paradox, here are a few more just released and upcoming horror and sci-fi documentaries/movies that may or may not turn out to be an unholy mess…

Expedition SasquatchEXPEDITION SASQUATCH (available now)
“A new documentary about the Sasquatch of Nordegg, Alberta. This area has become increasingly popular among Bigfoot researchers and enthusiasts due to the baffling tree structures that can be found in the area.”

Checked on Expedia.com and I can fly from Seattle, to Nordegg, Alberta — round-trip — for $296 smackos. Once in Nordegg (that name sounds so mad up), I’ll be able to Air BnB it with my ‘ol pal, Bigfoot. It’d be cool if he had some Unibroue La Fin Du Monde on ice waitin’ for me. That stuff is 9% alcohol and a few bottles of that will have you seeing mythical monsters all over the place.

Asylum of Fear

ASYLUM OF FEAR (available now)
“When a team of paranormal investigators is hired to inspect a soon-to-be demolished mental institution, they discover horrifying clues that reveal the cause of a violent massacre by an insane doctor in the 1960s.”

Don’t they know mental institutions are supposed to be abandoned and subsequently haunted and not knocked down to make room for YET ANOTHER Starbucks™? Still, the generic Asylum of Fear makes sense that the place was f’d up by an insane doctor. At least he was in the right place. You don’t bring a knife to a gunfight.

The Barge People

THE BARGE PEOPLE (2018)
“Set on the canals amid the glorious British countryside, two sisters and their boyfriends head off for a relaxing weekend away on a barge, unaware of the flesh-eating fish mutants lurking in the water, ready and waiting to feed.”

Flesh-eating fish mutants lining up to dine on barge food? Do fries go with that? Regardless, I’d like to reserve a table, close to the docks, if possible.

November

NOVEMBER (2018)
“The story is set in a pagan Estonian village where werewolves, the plague, and spirits roam. The villagers’ main problem is how to survive the cold, dark winter. And, to that aim, nothing is taboo. People steal from each other, from their German manor lords, and from spirits, the devil, and Christ. To guard their souls, they’ll give them away to thieving creatures made of wood and metal called Kratts, who help their masters by stealing more.”

The trailer for this is very art house-y. But gotta say, the wood and metal Kratt creatures are pretty cool and candidates for McDonald’s Happy Meal™ toys. (Last Happy Meal™ I got had a toy napkin in the box. Sure, those things are fun to play with, but I wanted a Cloverfield action figure, dang it.

A Vampire Who Takes Handsome lessons

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , on December 8, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Immortality

Finally, a vampire movie that re-invents the genre to the point you’ll no longer think of the blood-sucking undead as glaring, cape-wearing suckwads with glowing eyeballs. (Not like the ones I see in the grocery store all the time.)

Immortality

A young British man (straight teeth — no fangs or poor genetics) is double handsome and triple charming. He uses these enhanced techniques to entice women to his flat (deflated apartment), where he seduces (politely feels them up) them in really cool ways, too — wine, polite conversation, demonic shadow-casting

Immortality

Sufficiently dazzled, he gets ’em in the sack, then in the throat, where he needs the enhanced emotions that provide nutrients, which keep him alive.

Immortality

Along the way, Immortality (aka, The Wisdom of Crocodiles/1998) takes several amazing turns. The cops are on to him, yet he cleverly plays into their hands. He encounters street thugs in a very intense stand-off, uses only his wicked charms to talk the ruffians down. Then he gets a girlfriend who he doesn’t want to kill, yet…he…must.

Immortality

Extremely intelligent, superbly acted, with dialogue that doesn’t make you wanna punch the director in the lens.

40 Year-Old Horror, Literary Madman, Male Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Halloween

Every since it was announced Jamie Lee Curtis was returning to reprise her role as Laurie Strode in Halloween (first released in 1978), fans have been clamoring in their pants. So much so, fan art for the as yet untitled Halloween sequel (scheduled for October 18, 2018), has been popping up like seasonal measles all over the Internet, the one featured here being one of the better examples. (Don’t know who to credit as they didn’t put their secret identity on it.)

Halloween

Until the REAL title is announced, we’ll just have to be happy with the official plot: “Laurie Strode comes to her final confrontation with Michael Myers, the masked figure who has haunted her since she narrowly escaped his killing spree on Halloween night four decades ago.”

Meanwhile, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that hopefully won’t make you wait 40 years for the sequel…

Edgar Allen Poe: Buried Alive

EDGAR ALLEN POE: BURIED ALIVE (October 30, 2017/PBS)
Edgar Allan Poe: Buried Alive draws on the rich palette of Poe’s evocative imagery and sharply drawn plots to tell the real story of the notorious author. Narrated by Oscar — and Tony — nominated, two-time Golden Globe-winner Kathleen Turner, American MastersEdgar Allan Poe: Buried Alive explores the misrepresentations of Poe as a drug-addled madman akin to the narrators of his horror stories.”

Looking forward to this one as it stars the brilliantly versatile Denis O’Hare from the American Horror Story series. That guy comfortably wears so many acting hats, I’m surprised his next movie isn’t about a haberdashery, which I believe is a British hat store. Hat is way easier to spell than haberdashery.

Attack of the Killer Donuts

ATTACK OF THE KILLER DONUTS (November 17, 2017)
“A chemical accident turns ordinary donuts into blood thirsty killers. Now it’s up to Johnny, Michelle and Howard to save their sleepy town from…Killer Donuts.”

Yeah, but what kind of donuts? Bear Claws seem to make obvious sense. Not so much for maple bars — unless they’re thrown at your head as if a yummy, sticky brick. Still, we’ve already had Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978); what’s next — Attack of the Killer Hot Dogs? That actually might be cool, now that I think about it.

Scream Queen! My Nightmare on Elm Street

SCREAM QUEEN! MY NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (2017/2018)
“A documentary film focusing on the gay experience in Hollywood horror, Scream, Queen! My Nightmare On Elm Street explores how that experience has changed in the three decades since Mark Patton’s controversial portrayal of Jesse Walsh, the object of Freddy Krueger’s latent desire in Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985).”

Scream, Queen! examines the infamous homo-erotic subtext and the special place the film holds in the Nightmare franchise as well as the gay film canon. Partly in thanks to evolving social mores, Nightmare on Elm Street 2 — which was considered controversial at the time of its release — is now being looked back upon with a new appreciation and fondness by horror aficionados and fans of the series. While Freddy’s Revenge, dubbed “the gayest horror movie ever made,” cemented Freddy as a pop culture icon, Patton was never heard from again. After 30 years of living in near obscurity, Patton is back to talk about how his American dream became a nightmare during the homophobic AIDS crisis in Hollywood and why he had to give it all up.”

Just because they showed a male bare bottom being invisibly horsewhipped in Nightmare on Elm Street 2 doesn’t mean it’s a gay horror movie. It’s the scene where Jesse would rather crawl through a bedroom window to “crash” with his bare-chested buddy than have willing, carte blanche relations with his hot red-headed girlfriend.

Restraint

RESTRAINT (2018)
“A disturbed young woman who plunges into a darkness after becoming unexpectedly pregnant, becoming a threat to her family and herself.”

So much for a second date. Then again, plunging into darkness just might re-heat the leftovers.

Werewolves, Vampires, Electric Sheep

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Halloween Horrorthon

Insanely cool ad art to promote the upcoming 2017 Halloween Horrorthon on Saturday, October 21 at the Cinema Arts Centre in Huntington, NY. Presented by the groovy folk at Retro Picture Show, the all night horror movie marathon is scheduled to include 35mm screenings of Halloween 3: Season of the Witch (1982), House of 1000 Corpses (2003), Scream Blacula Scream (1973), Psycho III (1986), Tourist Trap (1979) and Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell (1974). All that’s missing are Horrorthon-branded pajamas and a mix ‘n match blankie.

Halloween Horrorthon

If you want the event poster, which designed by artist Marc Schoenbach and inspired by Halloween 3, its available as a 24” x 36” print, as well as a several versions of T-shirts. (What — no ’jammies?) And it won’t slash your wallet — most everything Horrorthon for sale is $20. Buy tickets to the marathon and e-purchase the goodie-goods HERE.

For those of us not within Uber™ spitting distance of Huntington, NY, here are a few just released/upcoming horror and sci-fi flicks that may or may not make you stain your jams…

Predatory Moon

PREDATORY MOON (available now)
Kyle Reading investigates an alleged bear attack where the survivor is showing unusual symptoms. Unfortunately for him, there is someone who sees an advantage to having a stranger in town who cries ‘werewolf’.”

Bears get all the credit every time someone sees something big and hairy in the woods. (Which is why I don’t venture into the underbrush to enjoy a private moment every now and again.) Even Bigfoot himself has been described as fake news and that he’s nothing more than a bear standing on two legs, all the while swinging his knuckle-dragging arms around as if on So You Think You Can Dance. Maybe its a were-bear. Common mistake.

Monsters Among Men

MONSTERS AMONG MEN (available now)
“An egocentric businessman awakens deep in the woods to find he has been abducted by a subversive group of vampires disguised and living among us. He must not only escape their clutches, but save his beloved girlfriend before time, the truth, and his kidnappers catch up with him.”

Geez, vampires desperate enough to kidnap egocentric businessmen? They must be really hungry to dine on corporate b-holes. Maybe we should open a blood bank and give all the vampires ATM cards. It’s the Christian thing to do.

The Virus

THE VIRUS (available now)
“A group of film students find a top secret test facility hidden in the wilderness. Unknown to them, the hospital was ground zero for a large-scale test of a truth serum based ten years earlier; a test that went disastrously wrong. Now infected with the deadly virus, the students fight against time, guards, each other and an inability to lie to find the truth.”

Cracks me up that scientists have been trying to develop a truth serum when alcohol has been doing a fine job of making people unbury their secrets since the dawn of time. In fact, I plan on having a six-pack of truth serum tonight.

Phillip K. Dick's Electric Dreams

PHILLIP K. DICK’S ELECTRIC DREAMS (2017/2018/Amazon Prime™)
“From the mind of the prolific sci-fi author, comes the new anthology series Philip K. Dick’s Electric Dreams. With 10 standalone episodes and a sweeping all-star cast, each epic story will explore fantasy, humanity, and a future we’ve only begun to imagine.”

Looking forward to this having been a fan of Phil back when I used to read. My first introduction was a high school book report on Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (1968). I thought I was gonna be reading about a sci-fi barnyard robot goat. Instead I got global thermonuclear war. Dang it. Cooler, though, are the sci-fi movies based on Dicky’s work: Blade Runner (1982), Total Recall (1990/2012), Minority Report (2002), A Scanner Darkly (2006), and The Adjustment Bureau (2011). P.S. This TV series, though, has already started airing in the UK. It’s on Channel 4 in case you live in the vicinity of a British television.

Witches, Werewolves, Cross Dressing Halloween

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Giant Freddy Glove

Mark Phillips, who runs prop-making company Nightmares Unlimited, made a four-foot tall/long version of Freddy Krueger’s famous blade-fingered glove, which will be featured at the upcoming ScareFest as part of a special photo-op with Robert Englund (aka, Freddy), running September 29th through October 1st in Lexington, KY. Fewer things in life are as cool.

I’ll tell you what’s not cool, though — proctology exams that feel like the doctor is wearing a four-foot tall/long version of Freddy Krueger’s famous blade-fingered glove.

And speaking of ridiculously uncomfortable experiences, here are a few upcoming horror and movies that may or may not make you feel like you’re being double-parked by a really mean sock puppet…

Witch Hunt

WITCH HUNT (available now)
“A Catholic priest questions his faith after a botched exorcism. An unknown association hires a brother/sister team of Bosnian witch hunters/inquisitors to exterminate the ‘problems’ the town has been experiencing.”

Catholic priests should really look into outsourcing as they don’t have too good a track record for demonic purging. Heck, I’ll do it for slightly less than the going rate. E-mail me for a obligation-free price quote.

The Houses October Built 2

THE HOUSES OCTOBER BUILT 2 (September 22, 2017)
“The new pic picks up the five haunted-house enthusiast friends still trying to recover from the trauma of being kidnapped last Halloween by the Blue Skeleton — a group who takes ‘extreme haunt’ to another level. They decide to face their fears in order to move on and go back out on the road to find more haunted houses, but signs of the Blue Skeleton start appearing again.”

Got bored with the first one (it came out in 2014) and only watched 20 minutes of it. So with the release of the sequel, I’ll get advice from my life coach as to whether or not to go back and watch the remaining 71.

Boo! Two

BOO! TWO — A MADEA HALLOWEEN (October 20, 2017)
Madea, Bam, and Hattie venture to a haunted campground and the group must literally run for their lives when monsters, goblins, and the boogeyman are unleashed.”

Is it just me or does Madea look like a dude dressed up as a woman? While I let that roll around in the gumball machine that is my head, full disclosure: I never saw Boo! (2016), either. Unless it’s Bruce Campbell, I’m not a fan of slapstick horror. (I’m looking in your direction, Fear of the Walking Dead.)

Fang

FANG (in production)
“After participating in a robbery-turned-murder, Chloe and Joe decided to hide out at a distant relative’s house only to find themselves stalked and hunted by creatures and forces unknown.”

The creatures are not unknown as they put ‘em right on the key art — they’re WEREWOLVES! About time, as we’ve been overdue for a good werewolf romp. Until this one gets here, try Howl (2015). In that one a rural bound British commuter train is beset (sorry — word of the day calendar) upon by fuzzy monsters that turn the stalled train’s passengers into buttsteak and kidney pies.