Archive for Great White

Shark Glasses, Dark Web, Horror Rock

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shark Week

If you wanna watch Discovery Channel’sShark Week’s 30th Anniversary in style, you’ll need the awesomely awesome Shark Week sunglasses, which at $35.00 will take a sizable bite out of your wallet.

Shark Week

Launching July 22, 2018, Shark Week (which began in 1988) is set to score mouthfuls of ratings. Even cooler is that $5 of the branded sunglasses profit goes to Oceana™, the “leading international conservation organization focused on protecting and restoring the world’s oceans.” Kinda makes you think: how does one protect the world’s oceans — with squirt guns?”

Shark Week

More Shark Week sunglasses info from the press release: “Built on Knockaround’s™ durable and high-quality Fort Knocks frame style, the 2018 Shark Week sunglasses feature a translucent breakwater blue frame with Great White jaw graphics, silver hardware, and polarized predator red lenses. Every pair comes with a shark tooth microfiber protective pouch and Shark Week 30th anniversary commemorative packaging.”

Shark Week

Red lenses? That sounds groovy, especially when using ‘em to watch sharks tear through bloody seal/surfer carcasses. Talk about smearing frosting all over the cake!

While I go stand on the corner and beg for bit coins in order to buy this must-have eye-wear, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may require red-lensed sunglasses to watch…

Triptychon of Fear

TRIPTYCHON OF FEAR (July 13, 2018/region-free)
Triptychon of Fear is a trio of gloomy and horrifying stories from Grindhouse Entertainment, the twisted minds behind the Ghouls Night Out trilogy, Isolation, and Snuff Tape anthology. The three episodes, running a combined 91 minutes, will be available for sale on July 13, 3028 at all German wholesalers and abroad.”

A trilogy, eh? Good things come in threes. So do bad things. But this is horror, so if bad ain’t happening to you, let’s put this in the goody column.

Unfriended: Dark Web

UNFRIENDED: DARK WEB (JULY 20, 2018)
“When a 20-something finds a cache of hidden files on his new laptop, he is thrust into the deep waters of the dark web.”

More teen social media horror, which is not my wheelhouse. That I’m even doing a public blog violates my personal standards and practices of making my privates public. Ironically, someone will have to Tweet a review that I’ll read as there are no plans in my e-less future to watch it.

Dead Envy

DEAD ENVY (2018)
“Aging rock artist David Tangier’s sense of identity is all but destroyed as he works cutting hair to provide a comfortable life for himself and his wife. His sound and age bind him to the Rock of the 2000’s, where his band Katatonic Spin once ruled the scene. David cannot tolerate that his entire existence has fallen prey to the persona of “the has been.”

It’s said that Dead Envy is a musical. Strike one. The plot also borrows heavily from The Hand (1981). Strike two. I’ll know if it’s a strike-out after watching it.

The Scarlet Vultures

THE SCARLET VULTURES (2018)
“A young woman discovers that she has a special ingredient that elicits a state of euphoria in its consumers, but not everyone is so special.”

There are so many jokes I could insensitively blurt out, but I don’t want a woman and/or women to beat me up.

Heavy Metal Waffles, Homicidal Wrestlers, Shark Parade

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

KISS: The Demon Waffle Maker

I’ve seen a lot of KISS™ merchandise over the years, but a Gene Simmons waffle iron is probably the coolest. (It also beats my KISShome pregnancy test kit all to hell.) Designed to make “Demon Waffles” (Gene’s character), it forms otherwise pointless waffle batter into a likeness of the bass player’s famous make-up design. (Wonder why McDonald’s™ never thought of that for the Hamburgler?)

KISS: The Demon Waffle Maker

KISS The Demon Waffle Maker™ can be obtained for $39.99 plus your soul and can even be used as a sandwich press, though Gene Simmons as a gooey peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn’t sound that rock. It measures 8.5” x 5” x 10” and is made of stainless steel, or “metal.” Heh.

While your demon-faced waffle finishes burning, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to stick your own face into…

Monochrome

MONOCHROME (June 6, 2018)
“A disillusioned young woman becomes a serial killer targeting wealthy land-owners, forcing a brilliant detective to use his unusual neurological condition to track her down.”

Pffft! — I have the same unusual neurological condition. It’s called a hangover.

Wrestlemassacre

WERESTLEMASSACRE (July, 2018)
“Randy is an awkward groundskeeper who is obsessed with professional wrestling. Longing for a sense of belonging with grandiose dreams of becoming a wrestling superstar, Randy is only met with abject humiliation and alienation. A brutal shaming at a local wrestling school pushes Randy over the edge and lights the spark for his blood lust. Donned in wrestling gear and armed with homicidal rage, Randy sets out on a blood soaked rampage to punish those who wronged him. The only hope of putting an end to his reign of carnage lies with Becky, an understanding client who is one of the only few to ever show him kindness.”

As a fan of pro wrestling — the only TRUE sport — I look forward to this one. If you’re of like mind, check out Wrestlemaniac (2006), Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies (2013), Santo vs. las Mujeres Vampiro (1962) and my guilty fav, Monster Brawl (2011). I usually apply choke slams on beers while watching it.

Great White

GREAT WHITE (2018)
“A blissful tourist trip quickly turns into a nightmare when five passengers on a seaplane become stranded miles from shore. In a desperate bid for survival the group try to make it to land before they either run out of supplies or are taken by the man-eating sharks lurking just beneath the surface.”

Not to be confused with the other Great White movie, an Italian-made Jaws rip-off, back in 1981. But along with this one and Discovery Channel’s™ deliciously popular Shark Week (30th anniversary) launching on July 22, 2018, this looks to be the year of the shark, all topped off by The Meg (2018) chomping its way through people floating on inner tubes as if wet donuts.

Hellboy: Rise of the Blood Queen

HELLBOY (January 11, 2019)
“The new story sees the hero squaring off against a medieval sorceress who seeks to destroy humankind.”

One of no doubt many new sales art representations of the Hellboy: Rise of the Blood Queen movie. I first tagged this one on June 27, 2017. That key art was illustrated so as to keep kinetic with the graphic novels. But I like this one better as Hellboy himself looks pretty Hell-y.

Shark World

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Planet of the Sharks

The bad news is global warming melted the ice caps and bottoms and flooded the entire Earth as if some sort of sci-fi take on Noah’s Ark, which, ironically, is also sci-fi. The good news is sharks have proliferated (made photocopies of each other) and have taken over the new real estate en masse.

Planet of the Sharks

Such is the premise for Planet of the Sharks (2016), whose plot on paper looks interesting the way an uneaten sandwich made with day old bread looks tasty. But the lower-grade special effects, painfully bad characters (some look like the B-team from Road Warrior/1981), and a LOL windsurfing scene renders the entire thing a wet messy mess.

Planet of the Sharks

Like Waterworld (1995), people now live on floating “cities”, which look more like discount boat docks. One appropriately named city called Junk is under attack from hundreds of hungry sharks, led by an alpha Great White that commands his army with mutated thinking abilities. Oh yeah, his snout freckles glow, too, which logically communicates with his mates. Think of it as a face walkie-talkie. Prior to the attack, which had sharks torpedoing out of the water to swallow anyone wearing Dockers™ (heh), Junk City had 72 citizens. Final head count: one.

Planet of the Sharks

With scientists on a nearby flotilla working to launch a rocket into the upper atmosphere to reset the weather, dry up the water, and go back to swimming at the YMCA. With all the shark attacks, this plan is falling apart faster than their docks. After the population is being reduced by the minute, it’s decided to drop a trigger over an undersea volcano that will explode right when the sharks swim over it. Yep, totally plausible.

Planet of the Sharks

The problem is, a shark ate the personal mini-copter carrying the Whiffle Ball™ device. So a female scientist with self-contained shirt pontoons, windsurfs out into the ocean to snag the device, jumping over sharks as she zooms around the waves. Barely avoiding becoming seafood, she deploys said Whiffle Ball™, which triggers the volcano, which kills a pile of shark and causes a tsunami the size of a tidal wave.

Planet of the Sharks

Alfie the alpha shark ain’t having none of this and makes trouble bubbles. It’s determined that this particular mutated shark emits a powerful electrical charge, not unlike a cordless shaver. The remaining scientists figure out how to stick cattle prods into its freckled face, thereby jump-starting the rocket, which is (barely) launched. Once the payload goes off, the sun comes out, the seas begin to dry up, and cities, which have been underwater for years, emerge all sparkly and clean as if just having gone through a car wash. (Why they couldn’t have a giant starfish stuck to the Empire State Building left me visibly shocked.)

Planet of the Sharks

No nudity, digital blood, some stock swearing in wincing fake accents, a far-reaching premise and sharks so dumbly designed, they’ll make your freckles start glowing. So yeah, something to not do for 83 minutes.

More Sharks, A Few Killers, A Bunch of Superheroes

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 28, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

47 Meters Down

Been watching a lot of trailers for the spring/summer movie season. The two I really spazz out over are the ones for Justice League and Wonder Woman. (By the way, you can buy Wonder Woman stamps at the post office. I often go there to see if my picture has yet to be added to the wall.)

The one that isn’t doing a thing for me is the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. It looks like a half-assed version of the first movie, which came out in 2014. Getting a chuckle, though from the new Thor: Ragnarok trailer. Big T faces down the Hulk in some sort of forced battle arena (i.e., Christians vs. The Lions pay-per-view, 80 A.D.)

Speaking of chuckling, here’s some upcoming horror movies that by definition should make you laugh, since there hasn’t been a really scary movie since The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966). And no, The Blair Witch Project (1999) wasn’t remotely scary. Don’t believe the hype.

47 METERS DOWN (June 6, 2017)
“On the rebound after a devastating break-up, Lisa is ready for adventure while on vacation in Mexico. Even still, she needs a little extra persuasion when her daring sister suggests they go shark diving with some locals. Once underwater in a protective cage, Lisa and Kate catch a once in a lifetime, face-to-face look at majestic Great Whites. But when their worst fears are realized and the cage breaks away from their boat, they find themselves plummeting to the bottom of the seabed, too deep to radio for help without making themselves vulnerable to the savage sharks, their oxygen supplies rapidly dwindling.”

Yes, you’re, like, double correct; I previewed this on June 30, 2016. I had just combed my hair in a stylish fashion. But that was when they title the movie In The Deep, which sucks clam juice. They changed it to that from 47 Meters Down. Now they changed it back. Geez, pick a lane, Lois. And they changed the key art AGAIN, but this time it’s better than the Art Institute™ version it was before. It’s also a year late in getting in front of my attentive eyeballs. Better get here soon; I’m getting the urge to comb my hair again.

Polaroid

POLAROID (August 25, 2017)
“High school loner Bird Fitcher has no idea what dark secrets are tied to the Polaroid™ vintage camera she stumbles upon, but it doesn’t take long to discover that those who have their picture taken meet a tragic end.”

This one echoes Stephen King’s 1990 novella “The Sun Dog” from his Four Past Midnight collection.  If you haven’t read it, you probably should. Haunted Polaroid™ in that one as well. And it’s okay to move your lips whilst reading it. I do it all the time, even when I’m typing. Feels like I’m having a friendly conversation with my self. As for the camera that kills, let’s give it to all those selfie-prone people. On that subject — stop taking pictures of yourself; you’re not as good looking as you think. And quit sucking in your cheeks and pursing your lips — you look like a Grouper fish about to take the bait.

Deep In The Woods

DEEP IN THE WOODS (September 27, 2017)
“Tommi, a 4-year-old child, disappears during an annual Krampus festival. Five years later, a child was found nameless and without documents. DNA matches — he is Tommi. Manuel, the father, can finally embrace his son. The mother, Linda, however, cannot adapt to the new situation. As suspicion digs inside her: what if that child is not really her son?”

It’s probably Tommi, but he’s likely p.o.’d that they didn’t finish spelling his name before sending him out into the woods to gather Krampus snacks. Wonder if he’s possessed by the spirit of the Pine Cone King? Hey, if you believe in Krampus, you’d probably fall for anything.

Downhill

DOWNHILL (October 10, 2016 / UK / 2017 U.S.)
“After his best friend dies in a racing accident, biking star Joe agrees to go back on the wheels for an exhibition in Chile. On a test run with his girlfriend Stephanie, they stumble upon a badly injured man dying from a mysterious virus. That’s the start of a very bad day for them as they become the target of relentless killers ready to do anything to keep their secret from going out of the mountains.”

This one came out in England in October 2016. Looked for it in non-British places, but have yet to find it. So yeah, biking horror. There’s something new-ish. I bet the dying guy was infected with boredom. Or a hickey from the (wait for it)…PINE CONE KING! Now there’s a horror movie worth pursuing.

Sharks Can Be So Cruel

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cruel Jaws

Just because you have the proper noun Jaws in your movie title doesn’t make it part of the Jaws (1975) family. Nor does reusing dialogue, plot and swiping footage from the Jaws series (as well as Great White/1981 and Deep Blood/1989) qualify as an actual movie. More like cut ‘n paste plagiarism. The only thing cool about Cruel Jaws (1995/aka, Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws and The Beast), which is guilty by a jury of its peers of the above crimes against humanity, is its title. Everything else is just regurgitated bait.

Cruel Jaws

A territorial 35-foot great white shark, thought to be the by-product of military fussing, is attacking and eating the flavorful folks in Hampton Bay, an affordable (at the time) small Florida coastal town. There’s an upcoming Regatta (a sporting event consisting of a series of boat or yacht races) party, and the marauding shark could chomp into their profits. The local sheriff and a teen shark expert (“Sharks swim, eat and make baby sharks…”, a line directly lifted from Jaws) go on the hunt for the “readily available on a moment’s notice” monster. The plan is to kill it. There’s the cruel part.

Cruel Jaws

To bring an emotional element into the mix, they feature a little girl in a wheel chair. “Daddy — give that shark a punch in the nose for me…” That is SO cute. Then there’s a rich kid on a yacht with his friends, armed with guns and gasoline. May the yacht rest in peace. Elsewhere, one of the main characters looks exactly like pro wrestling legend Hulk Hogan, so a fair guess would be he’d use a folding metal chair to take down the mouthy monster in a no-holds barred shark cage match. You could have a zebra fish as the referee. Heh.

Cruel Jaws

All that and the best scene comes when the shark, taking the bait (raw rump roast) dangling from a helicopter, ends up eating the civil aircraft and its occupants — as dessert. Sharks need roughage in their diet.

Cruel Jaws

Cruel J seems to mark his territory around a sunken military ship, presumably where he was born and set free upon the boat’s demise. So this is where the squeaky clean teens and Hulk Hogan go to plant dynamite. (Sure hope the ref isn’t watching.) The ship, though, is loaded with valuables that local criminals try to retrieve. CJ cares not for thieves.

Cruel Jaws

As painfully bad as Cruel Jaws is, you should probably watch it (on YouTube™ for free) and turn it into a drinking game. Do a shot every time you see a stolen scene/dialogue from Jaws; You’ll be passed out cold long before the part where a barking seal interrupts a crooked local amusement park owner’s hot-air balloon speech and knocks him into the dolphin tank. (They don’t show it, but the dolphins likely tore the guy in half and feasted on his land guts. I’m pretty sure of it.)

Eight-Legged Shark

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 11, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sharkantula

A man/woman/misc. eating shark with eight legs? Why not? Why do all those smug spiders and octopi get to flaunt their figures? (And don’t get me started on centipedes, human or not.)

So where can we find this eight-legged shark and watch it over and over? You can’t. It’s a book, not a movie. While I normally don’t include books in this here bloggedty-blog, Sharkantula (by Essel Pratt) is in all likelihood going to end up being a $1,000 budgeted movie on the SyFy Channel™, because after four films with the same premise, everybody’s bored out of their cartilage with Sharknado.

Here’s how Sharkantula — a cross between a shark and a tarantula — swims up yer alimentary canal…

“When a genetically modified tarantula finds itself loose in the Great White shark exhibit at Shark World, the feisty arachnid sinks its fangs into the main attraction. Without warning, the Great White mutates into Sharkantula and the opening day show turns deadly.  The mutated shark/tarantula hybrid is hungry and ready to feast upon the flesh of those that don’t run away fast enough to escape its webbing.”

“Desperate to stop the carnage, a group of Shark World employees join forces with the tarantula’s keeper in an effort to stop the devastation before Sharkantula can escape the confines of the aquatic theme park and spread its terror.”

Okay, so not a whole lot of thought went into this. And yet, I need Sharkantula to be a movie. Today, if possible. Until that moment arrives (I have my eyes on the clock), you can get the book — for free in Kindle™ form if you’re as impatient as me — by clicking HERE and purchasing (for $3.99) on Amazon.com.

P.S. The character concept of Sharkantula was first imagineered by Kdogprime back in February of 2015 as a role playing card monster. Time to get an attorney, Kdog.

Ravenous Sharkantula

Planet of the Sharks

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on July 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Planet of the Sharks

Planet of the Sharks. Guess it was only a matter of time. A world where sharks swim and humans can’t? A watered down Discovery Channel™ documentary with commercials every two minutes? Another Asylum Studios turd in a punch bowl? As much as I want to say all of the above, here’s the plot for this TV movie releasing July 25, 2016…

“In the near future, glacial melting has covered 98% of earth’s landmass. Sharks have flourished and now dominate the planet, operating as one massive school led by a mutated alpha shark.”

Fearsome Floatie

No doubt Planet of the Sharks will feature a lot of Selachimorpha (science sharks), but since this is being released under the Asylum banner, you can bet not one of ’em will be real. This is a slap on the fin to all those real shark actors out of work.