Crime-Fighting Coup, Snowy Sorcerer, Blood Geyser

If you could own any car in the world, hands down it’d have to be the Batmobile, yes? Screw those poser Lamborghinis and Ferraris; Do they have ejection seats? A parachute braking system? Purple smoke coming out of the exhaust? I think not. But since the original Batmobile — which has all those essential features and more — sold for $4.6 million in 2013, you’re just gonna have to take your Aston Martin Vulcan or Bugatti Bolideto to The Elephant Car Wash™ and pay extra for the hot wax rinse.

Or will you? The Batmobile used in 1989’s Batman and 1992’s Batman Returns is now up for grabs for a crime-stopping $1.5 million car bucks through Classic Auto Mall™. (There’s an unrobbed 7-Eleven™ right next door.) According to the sales pitch, this isn’t just a replica — it’s the actual working prop car designed by illustrator Julian Caldow and built by John Evans’ SFX team at Pinewood Studios in England. Riddle me this — do you want to impress the citizens of your city and strike fear into the hearts of Honda Civic owners or not? You don’t need to have an annoying sidekick who just won’t shut up to answer that.

More selling points: “The car has a Daytona Prototype-like jet engine nose and tall batwings that sandwich its slide-away cockpit. The fighter jet-style cockpit (somehow) has room for three passengers as well as working gadgets, including a flamethrower.” And I ask, what car doesn’t need a flamethrower — beside that grouchy Mad Max neighbor of yours?  

So while we’re looking forward to “Robin” the cookie jar to buy this four-wheeled traffic-thwarter, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not need the flamethrower treatment after watching ’em…  

BED REST / December 7, 2022 (Tubi™)

After years of struggling to start a family, Julie Rivers is pregnant again and moving into a new home with her husband as they embrace a fresh start. Upon being ordered to mandatory bed rest, Julie begins to slowly unravel as she suffers through the monotony and anxiety of her new constraints. Soon, terrifying ghostly experiences in the home begin to close in on Julie, stirring up her past demons and causing others to question her mental stability. Trapped and forced to face her past and the supernatural, Julie fights to protect herself and her unborn baby.”

If you’re a chick spending years trying to get pregnant, of course bed rest is gonna be mandatory. So will cold compresses and walking on crutches for a week or so. For guys it’s usually eight bowls of Wheaties™, 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep, and it’s saddle up time again for the baloney pony.

THE WINTER WITCH / December 13, 2022 (DVD)

“At the behest of her boss, journalist Ingrid Hoffman returns to her ancestral home when several children are found slaughtered in nearby woodland. With the village suspecting the infamous Winter Witch is behind the killings, together with her daughter Eleanor and estranged grandmother Omi, Ingrid must uncover the truth and stop the curse of Frau Perchta once and for all.”

The Winter Witch is the hardest working wiccan in snow business.

KNOCK AT THE CABIN / February 3, 2023 (Theaters)

“While vacationing at a remote cabin, a young girl and her parents are taken hostage by four armed strangers who demand that the family make an unthinkable choice to avert the apocalypse. With limited access to the outside world, the family must decide what they believe before all is lost.”

What could an unthinkable choice to avert the apocalypse be in this worst case scenario? Let’s examine the obvious clue: a remote cabin. Clearly, the four armed strangers are demanding toilet paper, which is a treasured commodity when in an isolated area and the nearest Wal-Mart™ is as far away as the buzzards fly. Depending on how many wild blueberries and pine cone pot pies you eat, to be without toilet talismans can indeed be an apocalyptic event.

PROJECT WOLF HUNTING / May 15, 2023 (Screambox™)

“During transport from the Philippines to South Korea, a group of dangerous criminals unites to stage a coordinated escape attempt. As the jailbreak escalates into a bloody, all-out riot, the fugitives and their allies from the outside exact a brutal terror campaign against the special agents onboard the ship.”

The advance reviews are enough to make you fill your horror pants with joy AND happiness: “Unending geysers of blood that erupt from wounds, which seem to have tremendously high blood pressure…”, “You’re thrillingly never quite sure who will survive by the end of each escalating episode of bloody bedlam…”, “Frenzied firefights, gory martial arts, all erupting upon the screen with a rousing, volcanic velocity…” I’m a non-religious type of guy, but that sounds like Heaven to me.

Watered Down Sharks

The hard-to-chew Empire of the Sharks (2017) is the cousin to Planet of the Sharks (2016), and once again puts apocalypse survivors on floating shacks (docks with outhouses) on a world turned into a global fishbowl. Think of it as Mad Max (1979) meets Waterworld (1995), with a budget about the cost of bottled water.

The bubbles are ruled over by the self-proclaimed master of the ocean, Ian Fien. He’s able to command sharks to do his bidding by way of electronic poker chips affixed to the fish heads. A signal is routed through electric gloves, and when Fien waves his arms around like he’s conducting an invisible orchestra, the sharks — swimming in packs — come out of their metal shark head pen, shoot out of the ocean like dolphin missiles, and feast on human leftovers.

A bunch of young girls are taken hostage by Fien’s hammy henchmen and their friends hatch a flawed plot to get them back. They go to Criminal Island (a floating bar with no happy hour) to assemble a team of “specialists” to take down Fien and his pet sharks. Too bad they didn’t know Willow, one of the abducted young girls, is a shark whisperer. Guess what happens next?

The sharks look like something out of a 1980s video game. They growl when in attack mode and usually go for the head, or “crunchy malt balls.” There’s even a bomb-dressed kamikaze goblin shark sent in to make explosions happen.

Gallons of pixel blood pollutes the water and body parts are turned into buffet sides. The big showdown happens when Fien and Willow battle for control of the sharks by frowning hard at each other while waving their arms at the apparently easily-manipulated fish.

Tedious plot, boring shark attacks, minimal gore and over-acting clichéd characters. What did you expect from watered down sci-fi?

30 Years of Elvira, Synthetic Sex, Black Magic Punk Rock

Elvira (aka, Cassandra Peterson), the timeless and beautiful/bountiful horror movie hostess, is hosting a 30th Anniversary screening of her 1988 classic horror comedy movie, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, on Thursday, October 4th in Salem, Massachusetts. Tickets are a wallet-stretching $50 general admission and are on sale now. Elvira will be 67 by the time of the screening, and to look at her now (quick, what color are her eyes?), you’d think she is still mint-in-box.

Also times to the screening is Arrow Video’s Blu-ray releasing of the movie, which as horror movie fans know, will be the first time in its available in that format. Wish it was in 3D. Ahem.

In Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, the cult-movie TV hostess inherits an old New England house, a poodle and a black magic cookbook. But no one ever said, “Hey, let’s go see a movie with a poodle and a black magic cookbook!” One look at Elvira and you’ll see what she so effectively uses to pay the rent. This is one time you want the event to go bust. Heh.

Here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to watch while I go outside and get slapped in the head for my insensitive remarks…

HOW IT ENDS (July 13, 2018)
“As a mysterious apocalypse causes the spread of misinformation and violence, a man and his estranged father-in-law race across a chaotic and fractured country to save his pregnant wife.”

Standard post-apocalyptic scenario — go from one side of the country to the other, while navigating (pick one or more) zombies, gangs, criminals, stinky punk rock maniacs, Mad Max. I have enough trouble getting from one side of the grocery store to the other. (Why can’t they put the salted snack treats next to the beer cooler? Utter madness.)

ZOE (July 20, 2018/Amazon Prime Video)
“Two colleagues at a revolutionary research lab design technology to improve and perfect romantic relationships. As their work progresses, their discoveries become more profound than they could ever have imagined.”

What the press release doesn’t tell you, the trailer shows: a scientist designs a synthetic chick and falls in love with it and wants to insert his hard drive into her software. Wasn’t this the subtext of Ex-Machina (2014)? On that note, inflatable love dolls are far less expensive, easier to maintain and, more importantly, clean.

BOOGEYMAN POP (2018)
“A bat-wielding, masked killer in a rusted-out black Cadillac weaves in and out of three interlocking stories awash in sex, drugs, punk rock, black magic, and broken homes.”

You really can’t go wrong when you mix punk rock with black magic. The rusted-out Caddie is but mere artistic expression. I hope it comes with a full tank of sex and drugs. P.S. Don’t do drugs. I’d say don’t do sex, either, as it too is a gateway drug and… Crap, I did it again — now I’m way over my head. Bailing now while I can.

MONSTER (2018)
“Emily is tired of her life. In a dead-end job that she hates and an employer who takes advantage of her, she dreams of a life away from the daily grind. Her life will take an unexpected turn, however when she is snatched from work and bundled into a van. She awakes later in the isolated Remington home, a place of death and violence where depravity and horror are the norm. Led by the fearsome Richard, the undisputed head of the household, Emily discovers that the Remington’s are organizing a very special birthday party and she is the guest of honor. When the birthday boy — the Remington’s seven-foot-tall hulk of a son appears, Emily realizes she is more than just a guest and their intentions for her are much more sinister.”

Word at the bus stop is that the generically-titled Monster is a cross between The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) and Natural Born Killers (1994). So, like, is this Bonnie and Clyde with power tools?

A Monster’s Monster Truck

Two guys head cross country to attend a wedding. One is a wussy, the other a beer-gutted loudmouth. Along the way a truck straight out of Mad Max (1979) attacks and almost kills them in half. They get back at the truck by peeing in the driver’s seat at a gas station. (This is a long set-up and I simply do not have the time to go into detail about it right now.)

Later, they pick up a scorchingly hot chick in fishnets and loose top whose hitchhiking to nowhere. The loudmouth makes his play, but she’s into the nerd and later de-virginizes him. Four times. But the monster truck is back on their trail and smashes their red station wagon into a Texas pancake.

The loudmouth looks like he got killed by the driver whose mutant face appears to be taped together by industrial staples. The hot chick and nerd find a run-down house and in it a corpse who doesn’t have a stomach cavity, yet can still talk.

The nerd discovers it was all an elaborate trap to get him inside the house as the chick is the mutant monster man and talking corpse’s sister. She’s also a witch, whose spells has kept the corpse alive and yappin’ until she could find another body for her brother.

Monster Man (2003) is freakin’ funnier than all heckaroo. The loudmouth has a ton of great lines (“Dude, I’m a corpse burrito!”) and the chick (who shows one of her boobs — she has a spare) is dripping with hotness. There’s tons of squishy gore, a couple of pencil jabs to the eyes, a town full of amputees (that plays into the story line and are not there for gratuitous reasons) and talking roadkill. And even though it has pee stains, I totally want to drive Monster Man’s truck. You would, too, if only you’d watch this movie.

Leather Werewolves

The good werewolves don’t wanna be werewolves anymore. The bad werewolves want to hunt humans and ride motorcycles. I like where their heads are at.

A child prophesied to end the reign of the bad werewolves is about to turn 13 at midnight during the fours days of the red moon. When he does, his blood –a mix of human and lycanthrope ingredients – can “cure” anyone wanting to be fixed. This means the bad werewolves need to keep that kid from getting pubes.

Humans help the good werewolves by putting them into lock down: strapped and bound when the full moon rises and everyone needs a shave. These friends of skinwalkers will do anything to protect the good werewolves, and take them and the kid to a safe place in a big van that looks like the Mad Max (1979) version of the Partridge Family bus.

The bad werewolves show up in leather and tattoos and guns and shoot up the town, because that’s what they do. When they corner the kid and his mom in an abandoned refinery (with unattended fires burning all over the place), everyone goes into wolf up mode and start biting everything.

Skinwalkers (2006) has zero backstory with which to invest yourself emotionally into this surprisingly lackluster tale/tail. That the bad werewolves look like they just stepped out of a motorcycle shop doesn’t help. And the plot twist is so second-rate as to be copied out of a Werewolves For Dummies book. My suggestion: give everyone squirt guns filled with Nair™ and have at it.

Keep On Death Truckin’

Road Train (2010, aka, Road Kill, which has a little more zing to it) opens with an extended naked sex scene. I can’t remember the rest of the movie and…um…

Oh, yeah, it’s about a massive Road Train cargo truck barrelling through Australian’s desolate Outback, causing a SUV filled with two young (and hot) gals and their boyfriends to crash-go-boom-flip. With that kind of relationship configuration, there’s always gonna be emo-drama, but it figures in to the rest of the movie. I think.

One guy has a compound fracture to his body, the other passengers get out of the wreck nearly fracture-free. No winning Lotto™ ticket for that guy. The youths are hundreds of miles in the middle of nowhere and are now in deep didgeridoo. But hey, the death truck is stopped down the road. Stomping over there to give that vehicle a piece of their mind not damaged in the crash, they discover the darn thing is empty and the keys still in the ignition. The young emo-ites steal the rig and off they go.

Several hours later they discover they went way off the main road and are now royally f’d, as the truck won’t start. It’s not out of gas (never had any), but out of human bodies/blood, which is its fuel. (50 miles per human gallon.)

Everyone gets in arguments, things were said, feeling were hurt. Then the truck owner shows up outta nowhere with a gun and makes pow pow in their direction. All the while, each is becoming possessed by the demonic influence of the Road Train, which has a kick ass Cerebus (three-headed demon dog) hood ornament.

Good moments: the opening sex scene, one guy getting his head squashed under one of 30 truck tires, a wood chipper type machine in the back designed for processing bodies into fuel. Not good moments: long stretches of none of the above happening.

Still, a possessed truck. You’d have to go all the way back to 1971 for Duel, and its tanker truck-pursues-driver action for more of the same. That, or Mad Max (1979). That, or any commuter day on the freeway.