More Sharks, A Few Killers, A Bunch of Superheroes

Been watching a lot of trailers for the spring/summer movie season. The two I really spazz out over are the ones for Justice League and Wonder Woman. (By the way, you can buy Wonder Woman stamps at the post office. I often go there to see if my picture has yet to be added to the wall.)

The one that isn’t doing a thing for me is the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. It looks like a half-assed version of the first movie, which came out in 2014. Getting a chuckle, though from the new Thor: Ragnarok trailer. Big T faces down the Hulk in some sort of forced battle arena (i.e., Christians vs. The Lions pay-per-view, 80 A.D.)

Speaking of chuckling, here’s some upcoming horror movies that by definition should make you laugh, since there hasn’t been a really scary movie since The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966). And no, The Blair Witch Project (1999) wasn’t remotely scary. Don’t believe the hype.

47 METERS DOWN (June 6, 2017)
“On the rebound after a devastating break-up, Lisa is ready for adventure while on vacation in Mexico. Even still, she needs a little extra persuasion when her daring sister suggests they go shark diving with some locals. Once underwater in a protective cage, Lisa and Kate catch a once in a lifetime, face-to-face look at majestic Great Whites. But when their worst fears are realized and the cage breaks away from their boat, they find themselves plummeting to the bottom of the seabed, too deep to radio for help without making themselves vulnerable to the savage sharks, their oxygen supplies rapidly dwindling.”

Yes, you’re, like, double correct; I previewed this on June 30, 2016. I had just combed my hair in a stylish fashion. But that was when they title the movie In The Deep, which sucks clam juice. They changed it to that from 47 Meters Down. Now they changed it back. Geez, pick a lane, Lois. And they changed the key art AGAIN, but this time it’s better than the Art Institute™ version it was before. It’s also a year late in getting in front of my attentive eyeballs. Better get here soon; I’m getting the urge to comb my hair again.

POLAROID (August 25, 2017)
“High school loner Bird Fitcher has no idea what dark secrets are tied to the Polaroid™ vintage camera she stumbles upon, but it doesn’t take long to discover that those who have their picture taken meet a tragic end.”

This one echoes Stephen King’s 1990 novella “The Sun Dog” from his Four Past Midnight collection.  If you haven’t read it, you probably should. Haunted Polaroid™ in that one as well. And it’s okay to move your lips whilst reading it. I do it all the time, even when I’m typing. Feels like I’m having a friendly conversation with my self. As for the camera that kills, let’s give it to all those selfie-prone people. On that subject — stop taking pictures of yourself; you’re not as good looking as you think. And quit sucking in your cheeks and pursing your lips — you look like a Grouper fish about to take the bait.

DEEP IN THE WOODS (September 27, 2017)
“Tommi, a 4-year-old child, disappears during an annual Krampus festival. Five years later, a child was found nameless and without documents. DNA matches — he is Tommi. Manuel, the father, can finally embrace his son. The mother, Linda, however, cannot adapt to the new situation. As suspicion digs inside her: what if that child is not really her son?”

It’s probably Tommi, but he’s likely p.o.’d that they didn’t finish spelling his name before sending him out into the woods to gather Krampus snacks. Wonder if he’s possessed by the spirit of the Pine Cone King? Hey, if you believe in Krampus, you’d probably fall for anything.

DOWNHILL (October 10, 2016 / UK / 2017 U.S.)
“After his best friend dies in a racing accident, biking star Joe agrees to go back on the wheels for an exhibition in Chile. On a test run with his girlfriend Stephanie, they stumble upon a badly injured man dying from a mysterious virus. That’s the start of a very bad day for them as they become the target of relentless killers ready to do anything to keep their secret from going out of the mountains.”

This one came out in England in October 2016. Looked for it in non-British places, but have yet to find it. So yeah, biking horror. There’s something new-ish. I bet the dying guy was infected with boredom. Or a hickey from the (wait for it)…PINE CONE KING! Now there’s a horror movie worth pursuing.

Rampaging Dinosaurs – The New Republicans

Rise of the Dinosaurs (aka, Jurassic Attack/2013) finds modern day prehistoric (okay, that didn’t come out right) reptilian monsters tearing apart humans like Republicans on Democrats. But that’s what dinosaurs are paid to do – and they do it as if it were a political agenda.

That said, Rise of the Dinosaurs is an insult to cerapods everywhere. It starts with a dino attack on a commando squad sent to rescue a hostage held by terrorist/Republicans in a jungle valley not as yet pooped upon by people. Their rescue copter is compromised by hostile artillery and they crash right on to the kitchen table of a raptor just begging to strap the grocery bib on and send digital blood a’splattin’.

Ninety-nine percent of the movie is the military squad and the terrorists/Republicans shooting at each other with a seemingly endless supply of digital bullets. From the time you see the first dinosaur rise, you don’t get to see another one chewing the scenery for over a half hour. Not cool.

Before the opening scene rolls you already know what’s gonna happen. But that’s not the point. The digi-dinos are so painfully and poorly integrated into the “movie” and clumsily hopping around and attacking humans while casting Photoshop™ shadows designed by Art Institute™ grads, you’d swear you were playing a video game. (More than once I kept reaching for the game controller.)

Save yourself the dumbass digital destruction and just watch the evening news instead – it’s way more gory and not nearly as fake looking.

Terror Birds: Droppings From the Sky

Terror Birds, as the ad poster indicates in entry level Photoshoppery, is “hatching soon.” As you can see, there is a monster bird claw coming out of a giant egg. And hatching is what giant eggs do. So that makes it a clever turn of phrase, yes?

No. It’s Art Institute™ grade advertising at best. But I digress. The real reason for griping is that Terror Birds, an obvious cash-in to Jurassic World’s (2015) rampaging box office success using once-thought extinct dino birds as the movie’s antagonists, has already been done. Several times, in fact.

One example: Pterodactyl, starring “terror birds,” was released in 2005 and had rap star Coolio shooting machine guns at the prehistoric monsters. (Not a fan of rap music, but Coolio is pretty dang cool.) Terror Birds stars a bunch of generic, scrubbed and polished white kids straight outta Scooby-Doo™ and/or Disney™. There’s your target audience right there.

On top of this, Terror Birds even steals concept art from Pterodactyl to the point of plagiarism. But that’s the least of anyone’s worries, as you can see by the plot:

“When Maddy Stern discovers her father has gone missing during a routine birdwatching excursion, she and her college pals trek out into the wilderness to find him, only to end up in a wealthy scientist’s desolate ranch aviary, where they encounter a pair of giant, hungry terror birds believed to be extinct for centuries.”

Now compare that to the plot of Pterodactyl: “A dormant volcano deep with the Turkish forest holds within it a deadly secret. Perfectly preserved, a nest of pterodactyl eggs are ready to hatch…”

Couple that with Coolio, steaming piles of pterodactyl droppings, machine guns, a volcano, and you have quality sci-fi entertainment. (Note to anyone who gives a dropping: stick it out to the end; there’s a final scene that’s pretty coolio.)

P.S. For all you hard-core pterodactyl fans, seek out The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec (aka, Les Adventures Extraordinaires d’Adèle Blanc-Sec/2010): “A popular (and supermodel hot) novelist flies around 1912 Paris on the back of a pterodactyl, dealing with her would-be suitors, the cops, and monsters.” Fun movie, but unfortunately no machine guns. Or Coolio, who wouldn’t be born for another 51 years. Pitié.

Meat – It’s Good For Every Body

 

You gotta be careful who you meat, uh, meet online. Noelle and Adam connect in an online chat room called In The Garden of Eatin’ (OK, I made that part up) that’s full of delicious new people. They agree to meet in person, hold hands, smooch and rub each other’s tender loins.

 As it turns out Noelle has a taboo-esque fetish involving the consuming of human flesh. As it also happens, Adam has a unique personality tick as well – to have his flesh dined upon. What are the odds of meeting your dinner mate on the web?

Through artsy flashbacks, sparse dialogue (“Why won’t you cut out my spleen and grill it for dinner? Don’t you love me?” OK, I made that part up) and romantic music, both get their wish. The problem is, the extracting of grillables (only internal organs, not the flavor-laden buttsteak or femur soup bones) and shocking lack of blood and gore totally ruin this meal, to say nothing of the Art Institute™ level of acting.

I never thought I’d ever have to say a cannibal movie was boring, but Diary of a Cannibal (2006) left a bad taste in my mouth – and not in a good way.

This Crow Is In The Myna Leagues

Yet ANOTHER grunge emo guy gets killed and has to come back to revenge haunt (i.e., make dead) his killers. Same plot as The Crow (1994). Yawn twice, then fart.

The Crow: City of Angels (1996) stars a couple of “where are they now?” ’80s New Wave “rock stars.” (Ian Dury is one of ’em. Iggy Pop is another. I don’t know the other ones because I listen to METAL.) They get killed twice – just because.

Lots of acting in this one, with the Crow making his Art Institute™ education pay off. He does more crying than killing, the big emotional wussy wuss. Maybe because the first Crow had a bigger beak and cooler pants.

Sharks, UFOs, Butchers, Ghosts

Presented for your consideration are four new horror/sci-fi movie posters indicating the imminent arrival of four new horror/sci-fi movies. I like it when sentences come together like that.

These posters are important. The cooler the graphics, the likelier it is I’ll go see the movie. And by I’ll, I mean me.

Here we go: The first teaser poster for Raiders of the Lost Shark was so inept, it looked like an Art Institute™ final. Somebody got a clue and came up with something more VOD rental-inducing. Click here to see the super horrible icky crap first poster.

Up next is Hangar 10, a new sci-fi offering that nicely nails the subject of UFOs and the threat of five-finger probing. Available November 7th, 2014, Hangar 10 goes like this: “33 years after the infamous Rendlesham Forest UFO incident, three metal detector enthusiasts hunting for Saxon gold in the same region capture incredible footage of UFOs whilst filming their expedition. As night falls the trio finds themselves facing a terrifying encounter with an unforgiving alien presence.” And by unforgiving, they probably mean five-finger probing.

Sendero (aka, Path) is a Chilean horror movie with a meaty poster – literally. Looks like someone probed a meat-grinder. Here’s why: “Ana goes with some friends to a cabin located in a rural area of ​​Chile. After helping a badly injured woman on the road the group is kidnapped by a family who follows the orders of a power group in the region. To survive and escape they will have to resort to betrayal among themselves in an atmosphere of violence, abuse, and sadism.” Like I said, meaty.

Available October 21st, 2014, Hollows Grove looks to follow in the cookie cutter footsteps of the spate of recent paranomal/found footage film flicks. Behold: “A young filmmaker, Harold Maxwell, a young filmmaker, is shooting a behind-the-scenes documentary about his friends – the Spirit and Paranormal Investigation Team, (S.P.I.T) and their ghost hunting reality show. They set out to film Hollows Grove, an old, abandoned and supposedly haunted orphanage. Soon after arriving at the orphanage the team begins to realize that what they thought would be a routine investigation is turning in to a nightmare from which they can’t escape.”

Hollows Grove is making me crave cookies for some reason.