Rubber Slasher, Decade Zombies, Robo-Mom

If you’re gettin’ the itch for psychopathic rubber dolls that uses cuss wordings, The SyFy Channel™ has a Chucky TV series based on the Child’s Play franchise in the works. You can stop yawning any time now.

Here’s what Don Mancini, Chucky’s “dad,” has to say about taking the one punchline joke into our living rooms: “The show will be a fresh take on the franchise, allowing us to explore Chucky’s character with a depth that is uniquely afforded by the television series format, while staying true to the original vision that has terrorized audiences for over three decades now.”

When you quit yawning, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you use cuss like a rubber doll…

MATRIARCH (April 9, 2019)
“Rachel and her husband, Matt are stranded after wrecking their car on a remote Scottish road. Though hostile at first, a nearby farmer and his wife welcome them in after learning that Rachel is with child. Suddenly, Rachel realizes the family’s ‘daughter’ is a local girl who’d gone missing years before. But when she and Matt attempt to escape, they’re held at gunpoint — just as Rachel goes into labor. Will their child’s first day on earth be the couple’s last?”

There’s a good idea — go for a scenic drive in the country with a wife about ready to give birth. That kind of thing could really do a number on the car’s upholstery.

ZOMBIELAND: DOUBLE TAP (October 11, 2019)
Taking place 10 years after the original, the zombie slayers face off against the many new kinds of zombies that have evolved since the first movie, as well as some new human survivors. Most of all, they have to face the growing pains of their own snarky, makeshift family.”

So those four “zombie slayers” managed to live 10 years without being eaten into chewable chunks? That’s less believable than a zombie apocalypse.

I AM MOTHER (2019)
“A teenage girl is raised underground by a kindly robot ‘Mother’ — designed to repopulate the Earth following the extinction of humankind. But their unique bond is threatened when an inexplicable stranger arrives with alarming news.”

I’m no expert, but aren’t teenage girls supposed to be raised above ground?

SKYMAN (2019)
Is self-proclaimed alien ‘experiencer’ Carl Merryweather on the path to filming his own alien abduction, or is he just another crackpot looking for fame and fortune? Carl himself may not be completely sure, but he is determined to take us on a journey in search of the answer. And that journey ends at the very spot in the desert where it all began almost 30 years ago…a chance meeting with an alien he calls the Skyman.”

This one comes from one of the people behind The Blair Witch Project (1999), which means this has the high potential of sucking as much as that movie did. Probably gonna be filmed with a hand-held camera, too.

TV Superheroes, Wooden Evil, Bad Babies

Cracking up over the “cover story” of the Daily Planet (where Superman as Clark Kent works for minimum wage) about superheroes uniting to protect the Earth. Whoever mocked this up is a flippin’ genius and probably drinks a lot of smart water.

The article is “written” by Lois Lane. So awesome. But it’s the photo of Superman (George Reeves), Batman (Adam West), Robin (Burt Ward) Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter) and Aquaman (Lloyd Bridges) that’s even better because none of these heroes overlapped in the same time/universe. Conclusive proof: Adventures of Superman aired from 1952 — 1958. Batman aired from 1966 — 1968. Wonder Woman aired from 1975 — 1979. And Sea Hunt (here’s the genius part) aired from 1958 — 1961. Outside of a pilot episode that sunk faster than a heavy metal clam, there was no Aquaman TV series. There was, however, a cartoon series that ran from 1967 — 1970, so someone cast former United States Navy frogman Mike Nelson (Lloyd Bridges) as the scuba-doo underwater hero (Sea Hunt ran for 155 episodes). That he was depicted as Aquaman (in his original DC Comics suit) is full-on brilliant. P.S. Aquaman was punked by Man From Atlantis, which ran from 1977 — 1978, and featured a guy with “amphibious abilities.” That is so low tide.

While I go to Metropolis to get a copy of the Daily Planet and frame it, here’s a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be worthy of a Lois Lane cover story…

BLOOD CHILD (available now)
“After suffering a devastating miscarriage in Singapore, Ashley turns to a witch doctor to help her with the occult practice of raising a ‘ghost child’ and finding the spirit of her lost child. After returning to the States, Ashley and her husband Bill find themselves pregnant again. However, their happiness is short lived as the pregnancy acts as a catalyst for a series of terrifying events that start to occur within their home. The family soon learns that Ashley has brought back a lot more than just memories from Asia. The spirit of their lost child is not about to play second fiddle to the impending new arrival, and unleashes an unspeakable evil upon the household.”

YET ANOTHER evil kid birth movie. Start with Rosemary’s Baby (1968) and go from there. So what do you feed the little home wrecker — Gerber’s™ Demon Peas? (Their strained Hell bananas, though, are to die for. No pun intended.)

ROOTWOOD (2018)
“Students Jessica and William are hosting The Spooky Hour, a podcast about paranormal phenomena and urban legends, when they’re hired by the Hollywood film producer Laura Benott to produce a horror documentary about the Curse of the Wooden Devil. They smell a chance to become famous. Together with their friend Erin they enter Rootwood Forest and investigate the area to find out the truth about the Wooden Devil and his victims.”

Sounds like YET ANOTHER Blair Witch Project (1999) knock-off/rip-off. What if they get there, only to find out the Wooden Devil is just handmade birdhouse? We can only hope satanic seagulls live in it.

THE WIND (2018)
“A supernatural thriller set in the Western frontier of the late 1800s, where a plains-woman is driven mad by the harshness and isolation of the untamed land.”

She’s not looking at the plus side of living way out in the middle of nowhere. No traffic, noisy neighbors and plenty of flesh-eating buffalo to play fetch with and occasionally rub their fuzzy bellies (they really like that). Sounds like a slice of Heaven to me.

ISABELLE (2019)
“An all-American couple dream of starting a family is shattered after they move into the perfect New England neighborhood. Once settled, they soon after descend into the depths of terror as they struggle to survive a genuine threat from a dark presence that appears to want to end their very lives.”

Though this one was originally titled, The Wanting, it should’ve been called The Republicans. It also describes me in a dive bar, or “unkempt tavern.”

Happy Horror-days, East Coast Aliens, Irish Witches

Finally someone jumped on the holiday horror genre and did a book on ’em. With Christmas horror movies coming out every other day, hard to froth up my holiday attitude. But Yuletide Terror: Christmas Horror on Film And Television (releasing December, 2017/ Spectacular Optical) has your/our/my back.

The press release is mega long, so I just included this section: “Yuletide Terror collects over 20 essays and interviews that will deck your halls with insightful looks at all your festive fright favorites, including the BBC’s A Ghost Story for Christmas anthology series and contentious 1980s Santa slashers like Silent Night, Deadly Night. Unwrapping the true meaning of films featuring everyone from the Krampus and Scrooge to killer snowmen and evil elves, Yuletide Terror is a comprehensive look at TV and cinematic holiday horror from around the world, and includes a compendium including nearly 200 Christmas horror film reviews.”

Now THAT sounds like a perfect addition to the porcelain library. Mind you, this is a crowdfunded project and is a word selfie. Don’t let that dissuade you from buying it. People need to know what a dick Santa Claus is. (In your red face red guy; I told you there were consequences in not getting me that Batman costume with candy-loaded utility belt when I was young-ish.)

While we start applying eye drops in anticipation of reading this book, here are a few just-released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movie and documentaries to strain your vision…

THE GRINN (available now/VOD)
“A man awakens in an empty house that he is unable to leave. Battling fatigue, injury and amnesia, and guided only by a cryptic voice on his phone, he begins piecing together fractured memories of the events that led him to be trapped. With a terrifying presence confining him inside the house, he ultimately discovers a truth more horrifying than he could have ever imagined.”

Somebody’s watch Saw (2004) too many times. Or not enough. Not sure there’s a difference. As for the truth of a terrifying presence, it’s probably a mirror, because that’s what The Grinn feels like.

INSIDE BEN (available now/VOD)
When a man faces his fears, he realizes agoraphobia isn’t his biggest problem. The surprise ending will leave you in awe!

Big statement – hope they can back that up. Then again, Inside Ben did win a 2017 award as an official selection at the International Hotel Horror Fest. I care not for that. I want my foldable pocket money to actually be usable for something other than sparkly toothpaste (it sparkles!) and Sasquatch plaster foot cast ashtrays. (P.S. I don’t smoke. Those things just look cool and make me happy for some reason.)

INVASION ON CHESTNUT RIDGE (available now/VOD/DVD)
“Aliens. Hair-covered beasts. Mysterious lights in the forest. Giant birds. What do they all have in common? This new documentary film makes the case that a mountain range in Southwestern Pennsylvania is their home. The terrifying ‘invasion’ comes in the form of various phenomena that have been seen by ordinary people living in the area since the 1800s.”

The claim all these monsters and phenomena originate from a mountain range in Southwestern Pennsylvania seems like a way to stretch 20 minutes into an hour and a half (kinda like watching golf matches on TV). Pennsylvania might be hard to spell, but they’re cool. I’d like to point out that the Pacific Northwest is home to lots of paranormal things, like Bigfoot, UFOs, giant octopuses, me and…gasp!…volcanoes. We’re surrounded by those spooky things. Let’s hope they’re duds — don’t tempt fate by climbing one and throwing a cigarette butt in the crater. (I’d do it, but like I said a few sentences ago, I don’t smoke.)

CRONE WOOD (2017/2018)
“After only meeting the night before, a young couple enter the woods of Ireland and discover that not all of the country has left its Pagan roots behind.”

They’re not pagans, they’re enthusiastic drinkers. Big difference, though both consort with witches. Heh. The kicker line says it’s a terrifying blend of Blair Witch and The Wickerman, ironically two of the not-even-being-close-to-terryifing horror movies.

More Sharks, A Few Killers, A Bunch of Superheroes

Been watching a lot of trailers for the spring/summer movie season. The two I really spazz out over are the ones for Justice League and Wonder Woman. (By the way, you can buy Wonder Woman stamps at the post office. I often go there to see if my picture has yet to be added to the wall.)

The one that isn’t doing a thing for me is the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. It looks like a half-assed version of the first movie, which came out in 2014. Getting a chuckle, though from the new Thor: Ragnarok trailer. Big T faces down the Hulk in some sort of forced battle arena (i.e., Christians vs. The Lions pay-per-view, 80 A.D.)

Speaking of chuckling, here’s some upcoming horror movies that by definition should make you laugh, since there hasn’t been a really scary movie since The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966). And no, The Blair Witch Project (1999) wasn’t remotely scary. Don’t believe the hype.

47 METERS DOWN (June 6, 2017)
“On the rebound after a devastating break-up, Lisa is ready for adventure while on vacation in Mexico. Even still, she needs a little extra persuasion when her daring sister suggests they go shark diving with some locals. Once underwater in a protective cage, Lisa and Kate catch a once in a lifetime, face-to-face look at majestic Great Whites. But when their worst fears are realized and the cage breaks away from their boat, they find themselves plummeting to the bottom of the seabed, too deep to radio for help without making themselves vulnerable to the savage sharks, their oxygen supplies rapidly dwindling.”

Yes, you’re, like, double correct; I previewed this on June 30, 2016. I had just combed my hair in a stylish fashion. But that was when they title the movie In The Deep, which sucks clam juice. They changed it to that from 47 Meters Down. Now they changed it back. Geez, pick a lane, Lois. And they changed the key art AGAIN, but this time it’s better than the Art Institute™ version it was before. It’s also a year late in getting in front of my attentive eyeballs. Better get here soon; I’m getting the urge to comb my hair again.

POLAROID (August 25, 2017)
“High school loner Bird Fitcher has no idea what dark secrets are tied to the Polaroid™ vintage camera she stumbles upon, but it doesn’t take long to discover that those who have their picture taken meet a tragic end.”

This one echoes Stephen King’s 1990 novella “The Sun Dog” from his Four Past Midnight collection.  If you haven’t read it, you probably should. Haunted Polaroid™ in that one as well. And it’s okay to move your lips whilst reading it. I do it all the time, even when I’m typing. Feels like I’m having a friendly conversation with my self. As for the camera that kills, let’s give it to all those selfie-prone people. On that subject — stop taking pictures of yourself; you’re not as good looking as you think. And quit sucking in your cheeks and pursing your lips — you look like a Grouper fish about to take the bait.

DEEP IN THE WOODS (September 27, 2017)
“Tommi, a 4-year-old child, disappears during an annual Krampus festival. Five years later, a child was found nameless and without documents. DNA matches — he is Tommi. Manuel, the father, can finally embrace his son. The mother, Linda, however, cannot adapt to the new situation. As suspicion digs inside her: what if that child is not really her son?”

It’s probably Tommi, but he’s likely p.o.’d that they didn’t finish spelling his name before sending him out into the woods to gather Krampus snacks. Wonder if he’s possessed by the spirit of the Pine Cone King? Hey, if you believe in Krampus, you’d probably fall for anything.

DOWNHILL (October 10, 2016 / UK / 2017 U.S.)
“After his best friend dies in a racing accident, biking star Joe agrees to go back on the wheels for an exhibition in Chile. On a test run with his girlfriend Stephanie, they stumble upon a badly injured man dying from a mysterious virus. That’s the start of a very bad day for them as they become the target of relentless killers ready to do anything to keep their secret from going out of the mountains.”

This one came out in England in October 2016. Looked for it in non-British places, but have yet to find it. So yeah, biking horror. There’s something new-ish. I bet the dying guy was infected with boredom. Or a hickey from the (wait for it)…PINE CONE KING! Now there’s a horror movie worth pursuing.

The Horror of New Horror

Four new ones to fill your 2016 fall horror movie e-calendar: Rings (milking to the point of chafing the tired Japanese franchise), The House on Pine Street (yet another haunted house movie jumping on the bandwagon), The Blair Witch (a re-boot to a rip-off of a horror movie that never should have been made in the first place), and The Neighbour (yet another generically titled slasher flick).

Do you think me wicked for snarking on these movies before they’re even released? You should. But having seen more horror movies than the average viewer since birth, I’ve watched how lazy filmmakers have become (new faces, same plots) and how greedy they remain (re-boots = cash money bling dollaz).

So yeah – here are each movie’s plops, uh, plots. Take a read and feel free to tell me I’m wrong…

RINGS (releasing October 28, 2016)
“A new chapter in the beloved Ring horror franchise. A young woman becomes worried about her boyfriend when he explores a dark subculture surrounding a mysterious videotape said to kill the watcher seven days after he has viewed it. She sacrifices herself to save her boyfriend and in doing so makes a horrifying discovery: there is a “movie within the movie” that no one has ever seen before.”
Note: We’ve seen this before. About three times.

THE HOUSE ON PINE STREET (releasing September 20, 2016)
Jennifer is seven months pregnant and reluctantly returning to her hometown in Kansas, after an unexpected mental breakdown. Coping with her fears of motherhood, a strained relationship with her husband and the overbearing presence of her own mother, Jennifer struggles to regain control of her life. But when strange things start happening in their new rental home, Jennifer begins to fear that it may be haunted. Alone in her convictions, Jennifer is forced to question her sanity as she attempts to find out what, if anything, is plaguing the house.”
Note: This scenario has been done so many times, why don’t they put a spin on it and make the husband pregnant? If not scary, at least funny.

BLAIR WITCH (releasing September 16, 2016)
“A group of college students venture into the Black Hills Forest in Maryland to uncover the mysteries surrounding the disappearance of James’ sister who many believe is connected to the legend of the Blair Witch. At first the group is hopeful, especially when a pair of locals offer to act as guides through the dark and winding woods, but as the endless night wears on, the group is visited by a menacing presence. Slowly, they begin to realize the legend is all too real and more sinister than they could have imagined.”
Note: If you saw The Blair Witch Project back in 1999, prepare to pay to see it again. Don’t believe me? Watch the trailer – same movie.)

THE NEIGHBOUR (releasing September 6, 2016)
“In the small town of Cutter, Mississippi, army veteran John and his wife Rosie live on a run-down ranch, dreaming of one day escaping to Mexico. On the day they plan to finally leave, Rosie disappears. John thinks his mysterious neighbour Troy, might have something to do with it, and breaks into his house that night and discovers a secret far more sinister than he could ever imagine.”
Note: Why pay to see this when you can get it for free on the news every other night? I bet they took the plot from the news. The news should sue them.

Religious Hammer vs. Religious Machete

Using the same hand-held camera filming technique as The Blair Witch Project (1999), June 9 (2008) finds a van full of spank-worthy teens filming themselves smoking pot, smashing mailboxes with baseball bats and trespassing on land loaded with marijuana plants, owned by religious zealots.

Of course they get captured, with each pulled out of the van by townsfolk wearing colorful shirts, which may or may not be Hawaiian in nature (but certainly style). The men are sporting sport hats.

The teens are smacked on the head with a hammer, which calms them down real quick. Then we see an edited scene of an arm being cut off by a machete. A little boy finds the still-running camera and keeps it rolling. He’s not a very good cameraman, as we can hear the bodies being chopped up and put in a wheelbarrow, but we don’t get to see it.

 June 9 is mind-numbingly boring and incredibly slow to get to the point. By the time it does get there, you want the religious people to hurry up and dismember everyone so you can go back to watching quality TV.

Mothman Comes Out Of Mothballs

Been a while since we’ve heard from Mothman. Maybe he’s been busy planning to knock down more loaded bridges or scaring the selfies outta teenagers. Regardless, everyone will be able to look MM right in the glowing red eyes when he makes an appearance in his latest found footage star vehicle Moth, due sometime in 2016.

Here’s what’s on the bridge: “An enthusiastic lecturer and her student who travel to Europe to go after the mythology of the Mothman, but they soon have to fight for survival.”

Okay, penalty flag time. First, Mothman is not from Europe. He’s from Point Pleasant, West Virginia. I know Mothman can fly, but Europe is 4,310 miles away. His wings would get, like, super tired ’n stuff.

Secondly, Mothman is NOT mythology; He’s as real as a UFO.

Thirdly, as this is a found footage flick, the plot (and trailer) looks like it was modeled after The Blair Witch Project (1999), the worst horror movie of all time.

Given that, hopefully Moth won’t suck. Until then, watch The Mothman Prophecies (2002) or any myriad of YouTube™ documentaries/real found footage for some sweet Moth-y action.

Aliens vs. Rednecks

Fifteen years ago some young boys were out hunting and ran into some aliens wanting to play “probe the redneck.” Thankfully, they don’t show this. Now potty-mouthed adults with mullets and guns, they manage to track and trap one o’ them gol’durn aliens and make him pay for killing one of their friends and messing up the mind of another.

They wrap it in tarp, bind it in chains and put a welder’s mask on it so that its thought beams can’t shoot out and get you. They bring the alien to the house of the sole abductee survivor for a little R&R (revenge and retribution). It’s here this entertaining film turns up the fun volume.

If the alien bites you, you’re cooked. Literally. Like a Komodo dragon, the infected wound eats you up from the inside until you’re begging for someone to put a bullet in your rotting face. The best scene comes when one of the aliens plays tug-of-war with human intestines still attached.

Loosely based on the TRUE Travis Walton UFO incident in 1975 where Travis was actually sucked into a UFO (OK, that didn’t sound right), Altered (2006) is as taut as a stretched intestine. Though it was directed by one of the people behind The Blair Witch Project (1999), one of the worst horror movies of all time and space, Altered, with an alien that seems to like Earth bathrooms, is a probing good time.