Archive for paranormal

Alien Walkie-Talkie, Alaskan Ghosts, Chick Werewolf

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

UFO Journals

“If these are intelligent beings from outer space, they couldn’t be too intelligent if they’re visiting the planet Earth.”

Truer words were never spoken. This statement comes from the 1978 documentary, UFO Journals, which is (and this is gonna sound oxymoronic), one of the more weird and wackified treatments of the flying saucer phenomenon.

It starts with some narrator yappin’ bible verses, then goes into a bunch of stock footage of NASA rockets, then — and these are my two favorite parts — a guy with impeccably blow-dried and styled hair going into an eye-rolling trance and channeling communications from an alien in a different solar system. And he does it with a cartoon-y robotic voice. Then there’s a New Age spiritual guide who whips out a harmonica and a shot glass and entertains us with his skills while we contemplate WTF it is we’re watching. This is on Amazon Prime™ in case you need more wackified fulfillment about UFOs in your robotic, restricted-to-Earth life.

And speaking of things to enlighten you, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies/TV shows to channel on your channel…

Three Tears on Bloodstained Flesh

THREE TEARS ON BLOODSTAINED FLESH (August 8, 2017/DVD)
“A man with a dark past returns to bury his niece Lexie. Dragging his troubled daughter Kendall, he simultaneously reunites with his estranged sister, Stella and reignites a past rivalry with the corrupt town sheriff. Dominic begins digging around the town, and uncovers the town’s dark secrets, which include a mysterious cult, a supernatural curse, a masked killer, and a very high body count.”

Reunite and reignite. Maybe the masked killer is a pyromaniac. Wondering what the supernatural curse could be? Maybe it’s because the guy buried his niece before she quit breathing the town’s dark secret air.

Red Christmas

RED CHRISTMAS (October 17, 2017/Limited/VOD)
“The stressed-out mother of a squabbling family are gathered together in a remote Outback estate on Christmas Eve. When a mysterious, deformed young man named Cletus appears at their door, things soon change from petty insults to bloody, imaginatively orchestrated violence as she attempts to protect her family from the vengeful intruder. The film deliriously infuses comedy, dark family secrets with outlandish gore and adds the always controversial subject of abortion in its blood-stained mix.”

Wow, they actually named someone Cletus. I guess when you live in the remote Outback, you do whatever honks your didgeridoo. I like the outlandish gore part, though. It better not involve kangaroos (the locals call them “‘roos”). Those things can eat your face right off your face.

Ghost Wars

GHOST WARS (SyFy Channel/2017)
“Set in a remote Alaskan town that has been overrun by paranormal forces, the series focuses on local outcast Roman Mercer who must overcome the town’s prejudices and his own personal demons if he’s to harness his repressed psychic powers and save everyone from the mass haunting that’s threatening to destroy them all.”

While I do like the title of this series, the trailer looks very paranormal stock and doesn’t really sell one on the subject. Maybe if they added a kangaroo…

Betsy

BETSY (2018)
“After surviving a vicious assault in the city, Betsy moves to the country in hopes of starting over, but as she begins to recover, something begins clawing its way into the moonlight.”

They give it away with “clawing” and “moonlight”; Betsy is a raccoon! Man, I feel sorry for anyone who tries to pet her. Those things will eat your hand right off your hand.

Satan Whisperer, Serial Killer Swimming Lessons, Crime Ducks

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 9, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Devil's Whisper

Really sucks that YouTube™ makes you pay to remove commercials before and during important and TRUE video footage of UFOs (or “flying saucers.”) And to make matters worse, they cram in as many commercials as they can. So now you have to pay to NOT watch commercials. This is the kind of jerk future that was not foretold in Dune (1984). That future, with giant sand worms, looks cool. This future just outright sucks a**.

Speaking of sucking a**, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not do that particular thing and will hopefully not have commercials…

DEVIL’S WHISPER (June 10, 2017)
“Inspired by true events, a 15 year-old aspires to be a Catholic priest. When he discovers a mysterious box passed down from his grandparents, he unwittingly unleashes a demonic spirit bent on possessing him — and must find a way to defeat the demon, which has been tormenting children since the dawn of man, before it destroys him and everyone he loves.”

Sounds like Pennywise and/or Freddy Krueger, but with more Hell stuff. It’s not my bag, but anyone who aspires to be a Catholic priest obviously wants to do good in this world. But by becoming one, the occupational hazard is that demons are gonna be your worst clients.

Death Pool

DEATH POOL (June 20, 2017)
“After nearly drowning at the hands of his babysitter, a troubled young man grows up to become a serial killer with a compulsion to drown young beautiful women. Based on true events, this conniving killer becomes a cultural phenomenon, known throughout the streets of Los Angeles.”

A reverse lifeguard giving hot chicks lessons on how not to swim. Could be worse — the killer could be a duck.

The Quacky Slasher

THE QUACKY SLASHER (2017)
“The Quacky Slasher is Michael Quackers, a man traumatized by events from his childhood, takes on the persona of a vigilante duck, to strike fear into the criminal underbelly of his home town”

A vigilante duck? And just when you think you’ve seen everything. Of course, if you’ve seen Howard The Duck (1986), this one won’t be all it’s quacked up to be.

The Nightmare Gallery

THE NIGHTMARE GALLERY (pending crowd-funding)
Dr. Samantha Rand is an anthropology professor whose life is turned upside-down by the sudden, suspicious disappearance of her star pupil. But when a package of paranormal artifacts arrives on Rand’s doorstep three years later, she embarks on a nightmarish journey into mystery that will shake her and her wife to their cores. Through a terrifying, Lynchian lens, the film follows Professor Rand’s horrifying loss of self in pursuit of an extra-dimensional truth that could doom the world.”

I thought the world was already doomed. And what of this “paranormal package”? Was it delivered by Amazon™? If so, that means it was left upside down on your doorstep, your signature forged and the contents therein packaged like carton-less eggs?

Fear of Zombies, Ghosts, Haunted Houses and Refrigerators

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 29, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fear of the Walking Dead

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I think I saw the Babadook again in the bathroom at the Maha (a local bar I hang out in). Given that the men’s room is basically a portal to Hell, I’m pretty sure if it wasn’t the Babadook, it’s probably some sort of Pee Demon from the Seven Layers of Urine Splattered Purgatory.

While I complain to the management, here are some upcoming horror and/or sci-fi to help loosen your bladder…

FEAR OF THE WALKING DEAD SEASON 3 (June 3, 2017)
“The families will be brought together in the vibrant and violent ecotone of the U.S.-Mexico border. International lines done away with following the world’s end, the characters must attempt to rebuild not only society, but family as well.”

Abandoned this one right after season one. Was unable to get into the extremely obnoxious characters and situations. That sounds like an oxymoron given the bars I frequent. That, and bar zombies are far more scarier than the ones in FWD. So, will I pick it up again and give it another chance, or will I keep making pithy, low brow comments on it? I think we all know the answer here.

Blood Drive

BLOOD DRIVE (June 14, 2017)
Los Angeles in the near future: where water is as scarce as oil and climate change keeps the temperature at a cool 115 degrees in the shade. It’s a place where crime is so rampant that only the worst violence is punished and where Arthur Bailey — the city’s last good cop — runs afoul of the dirtiest and meanest underground car rally in the world, Blood Drive. The master of ceremonies is a vaudevillian nightmare, the drivers are homicidal deviants, and the cars run on human blood.”

Cars that run on blood has been done before with 2007’s Blood Car. The rest of this plot snacks liberally on 1975’s Death Race 2000 and GTA. So why should anyone watch Blood Drive? I’m thinkin’ for driving tips.

Hush

HUSH (2017/2018)
“Siblings Jackson and Angela run a profitable ghost-busting racket, swindling the bereaved with fake detection equipment and Angela’s paranormal ‘visions’. Hired by Mrs. Green to investigate a haunted old foster home, the team uncover its terrifying past: young girls brutally slaughtered, mouths stitched shut, silenced by a sadistic killer. And Angela’s on the edge — sleepless, strung out and losing her mind, no longer certain what’s actually real and convinced she hears the girls crying out to her from the darkness. But supernatural terrors are the least of their problems when they discover the very real evil lurking in the isolated house.”

Paranormal ghostbusters are fake? All of a sudden I’m feeling very stupid for the $1,000 I paid out to a ghost specialist to exorcise my refrigerator that keeps making noises in the night. Sure, it could be a failing cooling unit, but why take chances? Now that I think about it, I could have easily bought a new fridge and had enough change left over to buy some frozen hot dogs (or “ballpark franks”) for future eating purposes.

The Prey

THE PREY (2017/2018)
“A platoon of U.S. Soldiers in the middle east become trapped in a cave and as they desperately try to find a way out they are hunted down by a deadly creature.”

Ooh, I hope the creature isn’t one of those nasty sand beavers. I hear those things are nasty.

The Haunting on Long Island: The Amityville Murders

THE HAUNTING ON LONG ISLAND: THE AMITYVILLE MURDERS (2018)
“On the night of November 13, 1974, Ronald DeFeo, Jr. took a high-powered rifle and murdered his entire family as they slept. At his trial, DeFeo claimed that “voices” in the house commanded him to kill. Thirteen months later, the Lutz family bought the house and stayed only 28 days before fleeing in terror. Their nightmarish ordeal shocked the world in The Amityville Horror. The Lutzes may have escaped from Amityville with their lives…but the DeFeo’s weren’t so lucky. This is their story.”

Unreal. YET ANOTHER Amityville movie. That makes seven in the last year alone and 20 altogether. Don’t believe me? Click HERE. People, It’s just a tragic real story milked to the bone by Hollywood. I, on the other hand, have a better haunted plot ready to go, written with plenty of angles for sequels. It begins with a possessed refrigerator…

Ghost Boy

Posted in Asian Horror, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Silk

A paranormal research team discovers the ghost of a little boy in a run down (i.e., unmopped floors) apartment building. They set up shop and keep tabs on the little dead fellow, who appears every night at the same time, sits in the corner on the floor and says something. No one can hear him because hey, ghost words, people.

Silk

So they bring in a police sniper with extremely sharp vision and the ability to read lips. He translates the ghost boy’s verbiage and follows the Casper-esque tyke on a journey across town. Problem is, you’re not supposed to look in his opaque eyes or you’ll be converted into being dead. Okay, that just gooned me out.

Silk

At the journey’s end the lip-reader starts to piece together the clues surrounding the boy’s death. This involved the kid having MTS (multiple tumor syndrome and probably itchy butt), which leaves him with boils constantly boiling up on his face. The kids at school won’t be friends with little Yao (pronounced “Yeow!”), so he does a full gainer off the school roof. And hey, wasn’t that his mother outside urging him on?

Silk

While this is hitting the fan, the scientists, funded by a for-profit-only company, invent the Menger Sponge, which gives them the control over gravity. This all factors in, so be friggin’ patient. The head scientist is a cripple with an artificial leg and the other one rotting away like something that rots. He’s obsessed with the dead kid and the sponge as it holds the key to his own death wish, probably due to that leg thing.

Silk

As they get closer to the truth and actually locate the kid’s buried body, things get even more weird — i.e., a barely visible strand of a shiny substance that provides a trail to where the dead kid goes. This is where the Silk’s (2006) title comes from, the band of energy between the living and the dead. I would’a called it Hell Rope or Spooky Putty, but no one in the movies EVER listens to me.

Silk

Once the dead kid’s mother is found comatose in a hospital, the secret is unraveled. But something just happened — coma mom is now dead mom…and goes after anyone associated with her kid. This is where the sponge comes in. While it’s not to be used to clean off stuff (dishes, counter tops, blood gushing out of necks), it does allow the user to walk on the ceiling. (Upside down, without your keys falling out of your pocket because of that whole “manipulating gravity” thing.) It can also be used to “trap” the ghost kid. Now mom’s REALLY p*ssed.

Silk

This situation builds to a low-boil climax. But even though you might’ve been hoping for ghost mayhem and the eating of faces, it works more on your mind. The deleted scenes and alternate ending should’ve been left in as they’re pretty cool and a bit more bloody. Bloody’s good. Silk is eerie, not scary, like, I don’t know…a sponge, for instance. If you think about it long enough, those things can goon you out.

Punk Ghosts, Bear Traps and Real Werewolves

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, UFOs, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 8, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Teenage Ghost Punk

Been making a few videos to post on my new YouTube™ Channel. Three are promo clips for this here blog thingie and one is about UFOs, which are REAL by the way. Click HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE to be dazzled by the visuals.

While I’m on the subject, here are some brand new and upcoming horror visuals to rub your eyes on…

TEENAGE GHOST PUNK (available now)
Life changes for a cheerleader named Amanda when her family moves to an old Victorian house outside Chicago. Weird things happen in the new house: knocking sounds, strange guitar riffs in the rain and unexplained messes. A quirky medium and a bumbling paranormal investigation team search for answers but are scared away an unseen force.”

Sounds like my apartment, except I’m not a ghost (yet). When I play my guitar, the neighbors like it so much, they pound on the wall to keep time with my music. I’d like my neighbors if I didn’t hate them so much.

Dark Signal

DARK SIGNAL (June 2, 2017)
Deep in the heart of the isolated Welsh valleys, an eerie hush spreads throughout the deserted wilds. On lookout for her boyfriend and left trembling in the middle of a secluded forest, she quickly realizes she is not alone. With her is the vengeful spirit of a murdered girl.

And this is why I don’t go wandering around Welsh valleys. I hear those things are loaded with vengeful spirits. (A ghost, not a bottle of mean booze, though that would make being lost less of a priority.)

Countrycide

COUNTRYCIDE (2017)
“A woman is lost, alone in the woods with a bear trap on her leg. It is a matter of survival as she must combat the elements, her pain and predators of both the two and four legged variety.”

Is this the same woman from the above paragraph? With a bear trap clamped on her leg, we probably won’t be seeing her any time soon on Dancing With The Stars.

Bonehill Road

BONEHILL ROAD (2017)
Bonehill Road is an homage to classic monster films like The Howling and An American Werewolf In London. In some ways, it is a throwback to the films we grew up with…the real horror movies that we all love so much, and in another way it is a modern horror flick that uses old school techniques, including Practical Monster Effects. NO CGI at all here. Our goal is to make an exciting, scary monster movie with some really cool werewolves.”

This is being crowd-funded as we speak. A few thoughts: Great title. Secondly, about flippin’ time we got a new werewolf movie. (The last good one I saw was Howl back in 2015.) And bonus points for making the werewolf real and not a sucky digital version. A computer-generated wolf-man is right up there with EDM on the suck scale.

Mastering Exorcism

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 22, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Exorcist Master

In Exorcist Master (aka, Qu mo dao zhang/1993) a priest was killed outside a local church when a holy power stepped in, knocked the “God Eats Here” cross steeple off the building, where it falls like a sword straight into the back of the now “thinkin’ about becoming an atheist” collection plate manager, who is somehow turned into a vampire. Maybe he was one before and was merely working undercover for competing religions. The sub-titles weren’t clear on this point.

Exorcist Master

This now makes the Roman Catholic church “dirty” and it’s closed for business until that commerce-minded Priest Wu decides to reopen 20 years later with new paint, a few knick-knack bibles, restoration money supplied by the town’s smoking club (opium den) and brothel (pay-per-play) upstanding business men. This p*sses off Uncle Nine and he vehemently protests, using that unibrow to commanding effect. (If you’ve ever been stared down over a plate of fried duck and dumplings by a person with one eyebrow, it’s rather intimidating, which is why I don’t go back to Benihanas™.)

Exorcist Master

Lam Ching-ying, replays the unibrow’d Taoist priest in those mid-Eighties Mr. Vampire movies as Uncle Nine, a pretty darn serious guy when it comes to ridding the land of ghosts and vampires. (I’ve seen promo pics of him with TWO eyebrows. What is up with that? It somehow made him look less intelligent.)

Exorcist Master

An opening scene botched brother and sister exorcist duo has them failing to rid a cellar of a demon chick ghost. Uncle Nine shows up in time to save the day with some serious anti-paranormal skills. But you’re gonna have to wade through another 90-minutes of non-demon/ghost/vampire plot plodding to get to the final show-down in the church after the cross stake was removed from the punctured priest’s back (they kept him in dry storage) and he flies around thejoint, looking for neck-flavored snacks. (Having a hard time with a vampire priest; don’t crosses and churches make vampires hurl? It does to me — and I’m still waiting for my turn to become a vampire. I put in the application months ago. Gotta be any day now.)

Exorcist Master

Exorcist Master’s slapstick action and dialogue will make you COL (chortle out loud): “Why have you removed my pants? You are so erotic…” And hey, they even sampled one-hit wonder rapper Tone Lōc’s 1989 “Wild Thing” as a backdrop to an exorcist prepping ceremony.

Exorcist Master

But not even Tone Lōc or the high-flying kung fu skills of Uncle Nine can save this tedious horror comedy that spends less time on bloodletting and more time on goofy sequences. (The brother doesn’t know what a bra is and put’s it over his face like a blindfold. “Too big…” he says. I can vouch for that.) Note of interest: There’s a bell-ringing vampire shepherd leading a formation parade of subdued, hopping vampires to the church. With “Wild Thing” playing, I wonder if they were hip-hop vampires. I don’t wanna be one of those as rap sucks like fried duck. (Hey, that rhymes — I think I just wrote a rap song.)

Skeptical About Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Skeptic

Bryan Beckett is an attorney whose aunt just died and left him a four-story Victorian house loaded with lots of eBay™-able furnishings. The house also comes with a ghost. Therein lies the problem — Beckett is pragmatic to a fault, refusing to believe in the Loch Ness monster, the Roswell Incident, or spooks and/or spirits. He doesn’t even go to church because he thinks all that God stuff is just plain silly. Ironic how he keeps yelling out “Jesus Christ!” whenever the ghost comes around.

The Skeptic

Beckett moves into the house and hears audible whispers and door scratchings (probably a giant talking rat). He even sees reflections of a ghost woman in mirrors and crumpled up at the bottom of the stairs. These are goon out moments. He later learns the house was willed to a scientific institute that specializes in investigation of the paranormal.

The Skeptic

Having his inheritance yanked from underneath his disbeliefs, Beckett goes to the institute and discovers his aunt was a customer after hearing voices and scratchings herself. But the lab director deals in science fact, not fiction, and easily dismisses the experiences in what Beckett now believes to be a haunted house. And hey, factor in all the medication he’s been taking for chronic insomnia (and delicious wine left in the cellar), and you have a plausible explanation for the spookings. If only drugs and booze were that simple.

The Skeptic

As the paranormal events escalate, Beckett slowly discovers he’s been blocking something so horrifying, he’d pee his pants right now if it wouldn’t be embarrassing in front of the supernaturally pre-disposed chick from the institute. She moves in for a night to see if the place is actually haunted, or if Beckett’s dipstick isn’t quite touching the oil.  Strong dialogue propels the mystery even further, with the vomit-inducing truth coming to his mind’s surface.

The Skeptic

An above average ghost story, The Skeptic (2009), even with its lackluster ending (it needed less Casper/1995, and more Poltergeist/1982), has great reaction shots and enough scare moments to make that which was prone to puckering even more so.