Monsters Undressed, Moon UFOs, House Ghost

As promised in a previous bloggedy-blog, here’s more of Canadian designer Phil Postma’s creative art, this time turning the Bride of Frankenstein into a gas station pin-up calendar cutie.

Phil monster-mashed The Bride with Wolf-Man, Dracula, Creature From The Black Lagoon and even her primary care provider, Victor Frankenstein, achieving pant-tingling results. Makes you wish he’d make these billboard-sized or at least a print that could be held up with one hand.

In The Bride of Frankenstein (1935), the reanimated gal throws a hissy-fit when her prearranged pairing with Frankenstein’s monster didn’t go as planned. This scenario gave birth to not only girl Goth, but speed-dating as well.

While we beg Phil to do 100 more monster pin-ups, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a gas station… 

REBROKEN / March 7, 2023 (VOD)

“Will is a devastated father who spends his time between court-ordered grief counseling drinking himself into oblivion. He repeats the cycle of despair every day with no plans to stop, until he meets a mysterious stranger who gives him some old vinyl recordings. After Will listens to the records, he suddenly starts receiving messages from his recently deceased daughter. As the communications from his daughter grow more and more frequent, Will becomes convinced that these recordings hold the answer to bring his daughter back from the dead.”

If the deceased daughter tours in support of her album, I would like front row tickets.

SECRET SPACE UFOs: APOLLO 1-11 / April, 2023 (VOD)

“The UFO phenomenon has been recorded far beyond the boundaries of Earth with hundreds of sightings during the Apollo missions 1-11. James Fox, Darcy Weir, Mike Bara and Richard Dolan discuss this hidden history of UFOs in space and structures on the Moon. A history of NASA’s early Apollo missions as astronauts endeavor to set foot on the Moon and go further in space than any man has before.”

Of course aliens live on the Moon, as evidenced by the “Stay Off The Lawn” signs intended for trespassing astronauts.

DIVINITY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Set in an otherworldly human existence, scientist Sterling Pierce dedicated his life to the quest for immortality, slowly creating the building blocks of a groundbreaking serum named Divinity. Jaxxon Pierce, his son, now controls and manufactures his father’s once-benevolent dream. Society on this barren planet has been entirely perverted by the supremacy of the drug, whose true origins are shrouded in mystery. Two mysterious brothers arrive with a plan to abduct the mogul, and with the help of a seductive woman named Nikita, they will be set on a path hurtling toward true immortality.”

Never understood the appeal of immortality. Paying never-ending taxes would suck big time.

THE UNDERBUG / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As India is ravaged by sectarian violence on the eve of its Independence Day, two rioters take refuge in an abandoned house. An eerie presence in the house, however, haunts the men to the edge of sanity.”

Eerie presence is just a fancy term for supernatural squatter. They can all share the house as long as everybody labels their food in the fridge and shares in doing the dishes and taking out the recycling.

Edible Monsters, Rubberized Evil, Reanimated Relatives

Did you watch Ghostbusters (1984) and ever want to take a bite out of Slimer, that hot dog-guzzling poltergeist that looks like a big green, lumpy marshmallow with a mouth? Of course you did. And now you can with Jell-O™ Monster Slime, edible, um, goop (or something that rhymes with it), that pays loose homage to that iconic sticky ghost.

Available for pre-order on Amazon.com (14.8 ounces), this 100% digestible lime gunk will sell for $10 (give or take) and will be available at select stores (probably in the bathroom plumbing department of The Home Depot™) on December 10, 2018. Watch how fast I don’t go there.

In case Monster Slime™ isn’t your taste (heh), they also have Unicorn Slime™, which is pink and strawberry-flavored. There’s a joke in there somewhere. While I try and come up with a non-offensive punchline, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not gum up your internal plumbing…

ELIZABETH HARVEST (December 4, 2018)
“Newlywed Elizabeth arrives with her brilliant scientist husband Henry to his magnificent estate, where he wows her with lavish dinners and a dazzling tour of the property. The house staff Claire and Oliver treat her deferentially but she can’t shake the feeling something is off. Henry explains that everything in his world now belongs to her, all is for her to play in — all except for a locked-off room he forbids her from entering. When he goes away for business, Elizabeth decides to investigate.”

This plot echoed around the gas chamber that is the inside of my head, so I decided to investigate (click madly the mouse): Turns out, Elizabeth Harvest is a science fiction re-imagining of the French folktale of Bluebeard (1697), in which a violent nobleman in the habit of murdering his wives is confronted by a new wife trying to avoid the fate of her predecessors. Sounds like an extreme case of buyer’s remorse.

REPLICAS (January 11, 2019)
“A scientist becomes obsessed with bringing back his family members who died in a traffic accident.”

Keanu Reeves — on a hot roll following the John Wick movies (extremely cool badass) — looks to be playing a modern day Victor Frankenstein here. I wish him well with all his science-y skills to achieve the desired results. Ironically, though, all he really needs is a shovel and some sort of…pet sematary.

CHILD’S PLAY (June 21, 2019)
“A mother gives her son a toy doll for his birthday, unaware of its more sinister nature.”

This plot also sounds suspiciously familiar. Could’a sworn I saw something very similar back in…1988. Something about a doll possessed by evil or a facsimile thereof.

BONEJANGLES 2: BRIDE OF BOJANGLES (2019)
Picking up after the events of Bonejangles, supernatural serial killer, Edgar Friendly Junior, a.k.a. Mr. Bonejangles, is inadvertently resurrected by a mysterious and sinister cult of followers of the succubus witch, Rowena. Mr. Bonejangles wastes no time picking up where he left off and sets his sights on hapless police officer Doug Partridge, the one who got away from him. But Rowena’s followers have plans of their own on Bonejangles…plans that may spell doom for the very world itself.”

Didn’t see the first Bonejangles movie (2017), so I have no idea what the heckaroo they’re talking about. And as for the plans that spell doom for the world, a lot of movies make the same claim. My question: When are any of you gonna make good with that promise? Getting tired of waiting around.

Evil Girlfriends, Crosswalk Bigfoot, Horny Ghost

Gotta hand it to Monsters In Motion for coming up with The Evil Dead action figures of the possessed girlfriends. And like real girlfriends, they’re not cheap; both Shelly and Linda, in super cool retro styled packaging, costs $89.99…EACH. Even if your own girlfriend wasn’t possessed and dressed in a retro fashion style, that’d still be a hefty chunk of bit coin to spend on her, a romantic McDonald’s™ hamburger dinner notwithstanding.

Better hurry if you have the fun bucks to spare as they’re limited to 75 each. If they sell out, that’s $6,750.00 for a pile of painted plastic. And while you’re scrounging for the dough, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/Fantasy movies that may or may not be as affordable as your girlfriend and/or a McDonald’s hamburger…

THE BACK 80: A MODERN DAY BIGFOOT ENCOUNTER (available now)
“During the summer of 2013, a woman’s world is turned upside down after seeing a Bigfoot cross the road in front of her one afternoon. She soon realizes that she is not alone on her own property and struggles to separate the truth from her own obsession. She finds others in town who have similar stories to tell and her quest for answers takes her to the abandoned, gated woods of the back eighty.”

Pffft — not seeing why everyone gets so gooned out from seeing a Bigfoot. I could, though, see causing an internal stink if the alleged cryptid jaywalker was wearing a funny hat.

GOOD MANNERS (available now)
“A mysterious and wealthy woman hires a lonely nurse named Clara to be the nanny of her soon-to-be born child. When a full moon brings about the birth of a werewolf, Clara makes it her mission to care for the monstrosity and protect it from others.”

A nanny to a werewolf. Clara isn’t thinking too clearly about this new job of hers. For one thing, it’d look really suspect on your resume when applying for future workings. Unless you wanna go to work for Victor Frankenstein. In which case, he’d probably hire you on the spot.

MUSE ( August 21, 2018)
“Inside a gritty, DTLA loft is a lonely, struggling painter who longs for artistic inspiration and to become a successful artist. But, when Adam’s muse takes form in a glimmering, mystical and deadly spirit creature from Celtic lore, the Leannán Sí, who is based upon the Gaelic legend of a mythical Celtic, she chooses Adam as her human lover to protect and seduce.”

Is there a downside to this? I’m thinkin’ win-win here.

DEAD LOVE (August 21, 2018)
“Brandon is a young train engineer whose world is upended when his mother suddenly takes her own life. At the funeral home, he meets Fiona, a beautiful and mysterious mortician who takes a strong interest in him. Soon they discover they share a passion for music. And when Fiona serenades him with an ancient folk song, their lives become entwined for eternity.”

They share a passion for music? How about a little “bedspring symphony”? Heh.

One Billion Frankensteins

Like the monster itself, Frankenstein branded movies just won’t die. Hence, Frankenstein: Day of the Beast, which “coincidentally” arrives weeks within Victor Frankenstein (2015), the big-budget re-imagine of the seriously overplayed story of science’s first zombie. Here’s how the one billionth version of Frankenstein goes…

“In a foggy winter morning, a raft brings a priest to an isolated island. He is getting paid to perform a wedding ritual under very mysterious conditions. The groom is Victor Frankenstein, and the young and beautiful bride is his cousin Elizabeth. Seven armed and dangerous mercenary soldiers have been hired to protect her against something huge that hides in the woods, awaiting for that wedding night to be consummated. Victor is the only one who knows the truth about their enemy. His secret will be paid with the life of his private army, whose men will die one by one, as the creature gets closer to his target: the bride.”

He’s marrying his cousin? Now there’s a way to make more deformities in the lab.

IMDB.com shows Frankenstein: Day of the Beast as having a November 2011 release. Like Victor’s famous monster, the movie must’ve arrived D.O.A. as I don’t recall hearing anything about it since. (Apparently, it was only released in Germany and Japan. I can see Germany, but Japan? They already have enough knock-offs.)

But hey, thanks to the science of licensing and distribution, you can now see Frankenstein: Day of the Beast on Blu-ray™ in the States and Canada via a sweet hook-up with SGL Entertainment.

To be fair, even though the mere thought of YET ANOTHER interpretation of the 1818 Mary Shelley novel (Frankenstein or The Modern Prometheus) gives me science gas, the trailer for FDotB looks to have high production values/makeup/effects. That’s puts them ahead of at least a half-billion versions.

Blubbering: The Horror of Whales

Even though it’s universally considered to be an American literature classic, the 1851 Herman Melville novel Moby Dick (or The Whale) was in fact the first “nature strikes back” horror story.

You had the maniacal, revenge-seeking Captain Ahab, the original slasher (except he wielded a harpoon and not a hockey mask and a machete), relentlessly pursing Moby Dick (a name used by more than one male porn star), a gigantic whale that wrecked Ahab’s Sea-doo™ and bit the crazy captain’s leg clean off. (Reports are sketchy as to whether it was his right or left leg. Maybe it was both.)

Just like Victor Frankenstein psychotically tracking his creationist monster through the Black Sea and meeting up in the Arctic Circle for the ultimate pay-per-view, both stories did not conclude well for Ahab and Victor.

So the timeless horror classic is headed for the Imax™ screen in the form of In The Heart of the Sea (releasing December 11, 2015), a movie telling the story that inspired Moby Dick and features Thor (Chris Hemsworth) himself, trading in his Mjölnir (or “hammer”) for a whaler’s harpoon. Not really a spoiler, we kinda already know how this is gonna end up – humans will be recycled as whale poo.

Here’s the plot: “In 1820, crewmen aboard the New England vessel Essex face a harrowing battle for survival when a whale of mammoth size and strength attacks with force, crippling their ship and leaving them adrift in the ocean. Pushed to their limits and facing storms, starvation, panic and despair, the survivors must resort to the unthinkable to stay alive.”

One can only imagine what the “resorting to the unthinkable” stuff is to stay alive. If it’s anything like Free Willy 3: Packed In Spring Water, I think we all know the gory conclusion.

Frankenstein: Putting The Pieces Back Together

In case you didn’t get it the first 2,000 times, now comes Victor Frankenstein, YET ANOTHER in an endless assembly line of Frankenstein movies, that seeks to do pretty much the same thing we’ve been seeing over and over since 1931. Behold the premise…

“Radical scientist Victor Frankenstein (and his equally brilliant protégé Igor Strausman share a noble vision of aiding humanity through their groundbreaking research into immortality. But Victor’s experiments go too far, and his obsession has horrifying consequences. Only Igor can bring his friend back from the brink of madness and save him from his monstrous creation.”

While the plot is over 80 years old, it does star Harry Potter and that guy from The X-Men, who also played a half-man/half-goat guy in The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005). Hey, I have nieces; I had to watch it. How dare you judge me? Anyway, look for Victor Frankenstein in theatres November 25, 2015.

In case you can’t wait that long, there’s YET ANOTHER Frankenstein movie called, cleverly enough, Frankenstein. This one played some film festivals back in April 2015, but has a date with electrically charged devices on September 21, 2015.

If you think the title is sparse, get a load of the plot: “A married couple of scientists create a modern-day monster.”

Way to sell it. The married couple probably “created a modern-day monster” by having a kid. All kids inevitably turn into monsters.