Archive for Thanksgiving

Staged Evil, Shamed Werewolves, Flesh-Eating Spiders

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 6, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Exorcist

With the Catholic church constantly sweeping demonic possession under those “authentic” Shroud of Turin throw rugs they sell in church gift shops, it’s a rare treat to see a live person turned into swear jar cursing, green liquid spewing vessel for Satan. Outside of The Poggie Tavern, of course.

The ExorcistWith the stage adaptation of The Exorcist now playing in London at the Phoenix Theatre (lucky buggers), you get to see all of that and more for the mere pittance of anywhere from £15.00 to £75.00 plus £3.50 transaction fee. (In U.S. Benjamins: $11.47 – probably nosebleed seating to $57.37 – show-off). The transaction fee in U.S. is $2.68. Heck, you could buy a small statuette of the Devil stamped with “I’m Totally Evil” in the church gift shop for that amount. (FYI — they don’t float in the bathtub.)

The Exorcist

From the press release: “After spawning five films and a television series on FOX, William Peter Blatty’s The Exorcist is now a stage adaptation at the UK’s Phoenix Theatre, playing October 26, 2017 through March 10, 2018. Unleashed onto the West End stage for the very first time, the play is ‘a uniquely theatrical experience’ directed by award-winning film and theatre director, Sean Mathias.”

“A uniquely theatrical experience” means the first three rows are gonna get wet.

For those of us who have more pounds than £s, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth sitting in the first three rows for…

Blood Bound

BLOOD BOUND (2018)
“Bound to an ancient pact, a family of unlimited power descend upon a small rural town to sacrifice four human lives, one being a member of their own family.”

My first thought was vampires. But the same plot can be applied to any family Thanksgiving dinner.

A Hole In The Ground

A HOLE IN THE GROUND (2018)
“A young single mother is trapped between rationality and the unexplained as she becomes convinced her little boy has been transformed by something sinister from the depths of a mysterious sinkhole.”

Recalls Jug Face (2013). The storyline to that plot boiler is a jaw dropper: “Pregnant with her brother’s child, a teen tries to escape from her backwoods community after learning that she is to be sacrificed to a creature that lives in a deep pit.” There are so many things wrong with that sentence. For instance, “backwoods community”? That seems so condescending.

Slice

SLICE (2018)
“When a pizza delivery driver is murdered on the job, the city searches for someone to blame. Ghosts? Drug dealers? A disgraced werewolf?”

Kinda makes you wonder what disgraced the werewolf. Did he run past a fire hydrant without sniffing and/or peeing on it? Did he shave? Is he a vegetarian? If one or more, the death penalty would be too lenient.

Guardians of the Tomb

GUARDIANS OF THE TOMB (2018)
“A team of scientists, who while making the discovery of the century, lose a colleague in an ancient labyrinth. The group must battle their way through a swarm of deadly, man-eating funnel web spiders and discover the secret behind the arachnids’ power and intelligence — before it’s too late.”

There’s an alternate title for this one: Nest 3D. That would only work if it had words like “Giant Garbage”, “Giant Mutant Cow” or Giant Money” before the word “Nest.” Still, they reeled me in with “man-eating funnel web spiders.” That’s the kind of term you only hear in discount restaurant kitchens.

Home For The Holidays with Serial Killers and Robots

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 22, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Never Open The Door

Nothin’ like celebrating the impending holiday season with some slashers, serial killers and robots. Oops, I forgot — robots now prefer to be called “cyborgs.” Fine by me. A rose by any other name,

NEVER OPEN THE DOOR (December 6, 2016)
“Three happy couples retreat to a cozy secluded cabin in the woods to enjoy Thanksgiving. A badly wounded stranger appears at the door, and when they let him in, he throws up blood and collapses on the floor. As he dies, he points towards the lovers and croaks his final words: “Never open the door”. The dumbfounded group of friends start to panic as one of their own inexplicably disappears. Doubt rises by the minute and mistrust soaks through the cabin. As strange men surround the cabin, escape becomes paramount. Who will open the door?”

I don’t want to goon you out, but if a wounded stranger shows up on your doorstep at Thanksgiving and throws up on the floor, it’ll likely be me. I’ll leave without a fuss as long as your prepare a to-go box with turkey, mashed potatoes and 16 airline bottles of vodka. (I’ll find my own mixer in the dumpster behind 7-Eleven™ — good pickins!) And would it kill you to throw in a couple of slices of grandma’s pumpkin pie?

I Am Not A Serial Killer

I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER (December 9, 2016 / VOD)
John Wayne Cleaver is dangerous and he knows it. He is 16 and helps his mum and aunt at the family mortuary. John is obsessed with serial killers but really doesn’t want to become one. So for his own sake and the safety of those around him he lives by rigid rules to keep himself “good” and “normal.” When somebody starts murdering people in John’s small Mid-West town, he has to investigate and risk letting his own dark side out in order to stop the killer. But without his rules to keep him in check he might be more dangerous than the monster he is stalking. As the icy winter tightens its grip on the community a deadly supernatural game of cat and mouse ensues.”

John Wayne Cleaver. Now there’s a name you can hang your entrails on. As for living by “rigid rules” to stay “good” and “normal,” I bet ’ol JWC is one just Jagermeister smoothie away from drumming up business for the family business.

Detour

DETOUR (January 9, 2017 / VOD)
“Harper, a seemingly naive law student, obsesses over the idea that his shifty stepfather was involved in the devastating car crash that left his mother hospitalized and comatose. He drowns his suspicions in whiskey until he finds himself suddenly engrossed in conversation with volatile grifter Johnny and his stripper companion, Cherry. As daylight breaks and the haziness of promises made becomes clearer, how will Harper handle the repercussions (not to mention the violent duo — on his doorstep)? Employing a split-narrative structure to tell this tale of deception and murder, Detour takes the audience on a thrill ride full of hairpin turns, where it’s never quite clear what or who can be trusted.”

I’m sorry — I didn’t catch anything after “drowning in whiskey.”

Ghost in the Shell

GHOST IN THE SHELL (March, 2017)
“The Major (Scarlett Johansson), a special ops, one-of-a-kind human-cyborg hybrid, leads an elite task force known as Section 9. Devoted to stopping the most dangerous criminals and extremists, Section 9 is faced with an enemy whose singular goal is to wipe out Hanka Robotic’s advancements in cyber technology.”

The stunningly gorgeous Scarlett Johansson as a one-of-a-king human-cyborg hybrid. That explains a couple the things, the first of which is why she doesn’t return my e-mails. (I’m probably just spam to her.) Regardless, this live action sci-fi thriller is based on the enduringly popular Japanese seinen manga series by Masamune Shirow that got its start back in 1989. Scarlett Johansson got her start in 1984. I could probably make a connection there, but the cyborg part of my humanity is on the blink — again — so just go with it.