Archive for Free Willy

Land Shark Has A Dirt-y Mouth

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , on October 17, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

2020’s Land Shark is identically the same as first released Land Shark (2017). In order to avoid a death-by-bankruptcy lawsuit, Land Shark might consider changing its title to Soil Sushi or Ground Gobbler or Tooth Acres. Worth looking into.

Land Shark gives new meaning to the phrase, “eat my dirt” in that this ‘roid-raging, GMO-modified molar mouth really chews up the scenery — and every two-legged entrees standing on it. He can swim through the aforementioned dirt, gravel, cement, asphalt, and probably football field AstroTurf™ as easily as backstroking in a community swimming pool garnished with dangling limbs. Also, L-Shark can leap out of the water (when he’s in it), way higher than that Free Willy fat ass. 

Infused with the DNA of an earthworm (weakly explaining LS’s earthiness), the pissed off shark goes on a rampage against those who messed him up in an underwater lab, all the while taking bold liberties with Deep Blue Sea (1999) and Bait 3D (2012). It’s theorized the shark is rabidly aggressive because it wants to eat and breed. Well, heck — who doesn’t?

But the borrowing/burrowing excitement doesn’t stop underwater, with Land-o hilariously pursuing the science team through a jungle, “swimming” across the ground as if it were a Slip ’n Slide™. But in the movie’s very first scene, the shark is 99 feet long (guessing), whereas he’s merely the size of an affordable two-seater Jet-Ski here. As the movie is in unreadable/unlearnable Mandarin (I thought Mandarin was a dinky orange), it’s possible the smaller shark was a different experiment and the bigger shark was its Au pair.

The head of the company that put a lotta fins toward developing the shark wants to capture it alive. The people it ate would probably respectfully disagree. Too late — Land Shark makes to the city where he somehow gets bigger again, and loads up on some screaming take-out. I could tell you how L’Shark meets his end, but you could probably guess. (If not, he ate an explosive.)

As for the shark itself, full-on metal. Specifically, if Motörhead was a shark instead of the WORLD’S GREATEST BAND, they’d look like Land Shark.

P.S. You can watch this free on Tubi™.

P.P.S. Sand Sharks (2012) should sue both of them.

P.P.P.S. Be sure and watch Free Willy 5 — Packed in Springwater.

Four-Story Horror

Posted in Asian Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rampo Noir

They should have put a sticker on Rampo Noir’s (2005) DVD box cover that said, “Warning: Art Inside.” Four short, artsy fartsy Japanese horror stories, one of which is only seven minutes long, with no dialogue or sound, and a naked guy wandering around. Titled, Mars’ Canal, I interpreted it as being a commentary on the escalating price of rump roast.

Rampo Noir

Mirror Hell concerns a guy who thinks he’s cuter than chicks (he isn’t), and makes ornate hand mirrors out of a rare chemical found in dirt. When a woman he’s jealous of looks in the mirror, her faces melts off. They do not show the face-melting, which I felt was a noticeable discrepancy.

Rampo Noir

Caterpillar involves the wife of an army lieutenant coming back from the war as just a torso and head. Oh, he’s still alive, but unable to talk. He can gurgle and make spit bubbles, though.

Rampo Noir

The last one, Crawling Bugs, is about a guy who kills a woman and, in order to preserve her beauty, tries embalming her. That’s a lot harder to do than the instructions indicate. She starts to rot, so he takes acrylic paint and covers her browning skin in lovely hues of red, blue, yellow — all the corpse complimentary colors.

Rampo Noir

But internal gases are building up and she’s looking like a beached Free Willy. When the cops find him, he’s in his underwear, between her legs, with his head buried in a slit he made in her stomach. Best line of the movie occurs when they pull him out, and he turns to look at them: “What?” Couldn’t have summed up this movie better.

Blubbering: The Horror of Whales

Posted in Classic Horror, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 5, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

In The Heart of the Sea

Even though it’s universally considered to be an American literature classic, the 1851 Herman Melville novel Moby Dick (or The Whale) was in fact the first “nature strikes back” horror story.

Moby Dick

You had the maniacal, revenge-seeking Captain Ahab, the original slasher (except he wielded a harpoon and not a hockey mask and a machete), relentlessly pursing Moby Dick (a name used by more than one male porn star), a gigantic whale that wrecked Ahab’s Sea-doo™ and bit the crazy captain’s leg clean off. (Reports are sketchy as to whether it was his right or left leg. Maybe it was both.)

Just like Victor Frankenstein psychotically tracking his creationist monster through the Black Sea and meeting up in the Arctic Circle for the ultimate pay-per-view, both stories did not conclude well for Ahab and Victor.

In The Heart of the Sea

So the timeless horror classic is headed for the Imax™ screen in the form of In The Heart of the Sea (releasing December 11, 2015), a movie telling the story that inspired Moby Dick and features Thor (Chris Hemsworth) himself, trading in his Mjölnir (or “hammer”) for a whaler’s harpoon. Not really a spoiler, we kinda already know how this is gonna end up – humans will be recycled as whale poo.

In The Heart of the Sea

Here’s the plot: “In 1820, crewmen aboard the New England vessel Essex face a harrowing battle for survival when a whale of mammoth size and strength attacks with force, crippling their ship and leaving them adrift in the ocean. Pushed to their limits and facing storms, starvation, panic and despair, the survivors must resort to the unthinkable to stay alive.”

In The Heart of the Sea

One can only imagine what the “resorting to the unthinkable” stuff is to stay alive. If it’s anything like Free Willy 3: Packed In Spring Water, I think we all know the gory conclusion.

Nature Eats You – And Likes It

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 2, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Crocodile

A recipe for fun: a handful of obnoxious teens on Spring Break, alcohol, and a houseboat on a lake that harbors a PMS-ing, super-sized crocodile. Seems the croc’s eggs have been made into omelets by some local hicks, thereby fanning the flames of her discontent.

Crocodile

One of the teens finds an unbroken egg and sticks it up the backpack of a hot chick who won’t take her clothes off. Everywhere she goes, so goeth the croc (whose name is Flat Dog, according to local legend). The beast itself is computer generated and isn’t altogether menacing. Its breath, however, is another story. It also pulls a Free Willy and jumps (!) over a boat. Then it turns around and eats half the pleasure craft, along with the motor, occupants, and life-saving devices. Yum.

Crocodile

Predictably, several teens get chomped upon (graphically enough to warrant a quick rewind); but no one gets naked, no one has sex, and everybody runs around b*tching and screaming like they were in the Blair Witch Project (1999).

Crocodile

The best scene has the croc gulping down a teen whole, then throwing him up later – intact and unscathed, save for a bunch of crocodile stomach goop all over his face and skateboarder street wear.

Crocodile’s (2000) tally: passable gore, toothless special effects, painful acting. Final score: gator 8 (or “ate” – heh), viewer 0.

Turtle vs. Tentacle

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 20, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Gamera III: Revenge of Iris

Gam Gam’s new foe in this one is Iris, a morphing gasoline-powered sharp thing with extra-long tentacles and a battle cry that sounds like Free Willy with menstrual cramps.

Gamera III: Revenge of Iris

Making a boisterous comeback cameo are those pesky, carnivorous fruit flies Gyaos, with Gamera blasting ’em out of the sky with fireballs of righteousness. What’s cool is now he doesn’t give a crap about real estate or whiny Earth wieners, which he barbecues without shedding a single turtle tear.

Gamera III: Revenge of Iris

While this is happening, some chick with a vendetta (Gamera inadvertently collateral damaged her parents in Attack of Legion/1996) discovers the monster baby Iris in a cave and establishes a mental link to execute her PMS revenge.

Gamera III: Revenge of Iris

Iris grows to the size of the space shuttle and proceeds to raise shell with Gamera. The realistic destructo effects are dang awesome and thereby superific (my word, not Webster’s). You WILL believe full-scale office buildings are being knocked over as if they were mere balsa wood models. Don’t worry about following the plot as the movie is in some sort of weirdo language. (German, it is theorized.)

Gamera III: Revenge of Iris

In the end, Gamera saves the chick that was gunning for him. (Geez, what’s he gonna do next – send her Christmas cards?) Still, Gamera III: Revenge of Iris (1999) is great fun for those of us who regard giant turtle movies as such. And I do.