Archive for demonic entity

Mallzilla, Double Scarecrows, Future Toilets

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 3, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Not talking about beer (although I guess I just did), I’m referring to the famous Godzilla statue in Tokyo’s Hibiya Chanter (ranked No.70 on TripAdvisor among 352 attractions in Chiyoda). So popular is this magnificent sculpture, the entire shopping mall is being renamed as Godzilla Square later in March, 2018. I should like to live there. In the mall. Next to the Godzilla statue.

Shin Godzilla

But hold the boat — now they’re kicking Godzilla to the curb, where he’s stood vigilantly since 1995. And in his place, they’re gonna put…Godzilla. (Go wash your face — there’s a big question mark on it.) The replacement will be none other than Shin Godzilla, which continues to be massively popular in Japan. (There’s even a Shin Godzilla statue inside the mall, next to the L.L. Bean store, which regularly has 50% off sales — neat!)

Shin Godzilla

So the Heisi Godzilla statue won’t become a street person and will be relocated inside of Toho Cinemas Hibiya on March 29, 2018, while Shin Godzilla becomes the new ambassador for unbridled consumerism outside. And all of this happens on March 23, 2018. (That’s a Friday — time to call in sick at work and head to Japan for a few hours to get a few Shin selfies.)

If you’re unable to get the time off to join me, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not qualify for an L.L. Bean 50% discount…

Headgame

HEADGAME (available now)
“A group of young people awake, locked inside a warehouse with cameras screwed into their heads. It becomes apparent that they are unwilling competitors in a deadly game, and they will need to murder each other if they hope to survive.”

Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth

A camera screwed to your head? Sounds delightfully painful. But it’s been done before in Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth (1992).

Scarecrows

SCARECROWS (2018)
“While on a hike to find a secret lagoon, a group of teenagers have no choice but to pass through an ominous cornfield. Unbeknown to them, the farm owner despises trespassers and has vowed to kill anyone who crosses his land by turning them into living scarecrows, leaving them to rot in his fields. Once one goes up…it never comes down.”

I think the farmer is over-reacting. I mean, it’s just corn, for crying out loud. It’s not like he’s growing eggplant. (There is not enough chocolate butter frosting in the world to make eggplant taste anything other than like eating skunk pie.)

Rise of the Scarecrows: Hell On Earth

RISE OF THE SCARECROWS: HELL ON EARTH (2018)
“A quiet town finds that a deadly secret from their past has come back with a vengeance to take over its inhabitants.”

According to Horrorpedia.com, this is a “belated sequel to Rise of the Scarecrows (2003).” It’d be cool if Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz (1939) had a cameo. Sure, he’d be almost 80 years old, but scarecrows aren’t supposed to look fresh off the vine. Also, it would be nice to see him rip human flesh apart as if caught in a baler-gone-wild instead of vaudeville dancing and singing, while slightly entertaining, accomplishes nothing.

Nova Star

NOVA STAR (pending crowd-funding)
“Set in an ’80s retro future world, Mack and her robot co-worker Spanners, clean toilets aboard a majestic spaceship, the Nova Queen. When an ancient star fragment is embedded in Mack’s skull by a dying space princess the space-sh*t hits the space-fan. Mack and Spanners are chased across the galaxy by Kill-Bots, Space Pirates, Bounty Hunters and an evil Space Queen who will use the Star to flush the entire cosmos out of reality through a black hole. Using everything she knows from a life working in sanitation it’s up to Mack to save the star, and save the galaxy!”

Seems to have all the right ingredients. I’m mean, who wouldn’t want to clean future toilets? If I were to call on all my life’s sanitation skills, I can sum it up in three T-shirt worthy words: jiggle the handle.

Man Skunk, Twin Ghosts, Hobo Maniacs

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 29, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I Was A Teenage Wereskunk

Yeesh, 2016 was a craptastic year. Good year for horror, though. Here’s some upcoming and uplifting new horror flicks to cleanse the palette for 2017…

I WAS A TEENAGE WERESKUNK (available now)
“Wholesome teenager Curtis Albright’s world is thrown into chaos when he’s sprayed in the face by an enchanted skunk. Now whenever Curtis feels sexually aroused — which is damn near constant for a teenage boy — he turns into a MURDEROUS WERESKUNK!”

An enchanted skunk. Just when you think you’ve seen everything. Still, this one sounds pretty funny. Hope it doesn’t stink. Heh.

Sadako vs. Kayako

SADAKO VS KAYAKO (available now in Japan / January 26, 2017 on Shudder)
“After watching a cursed videotape, Natsumi has only two days before she will be killed by demonic entity Sadako. Her only hope is to pit Sadako against Kayako, a menacing spirit that inhabits a haunted house.”

Sadako from The Ring series and Kayako from The Grudge series are practically the same vengeful, long black hair ghost thingamajig and collectively have appeared in two dozen prequels, sequels, reboots and remakes. Makes sense to get ‘em in a box office lock-up, ala Freddy vs. Jason (2003). Heck, they can even share clothes and hair tips.

Pool Party Massacre

POOL PARTY MASSACRE (2017)
“When Blair, a high maintenance young socialite invites some friends over to her parents house for an intimate pool party, they are unaware that a serial killer is hiding inside the house. What started out as a relaxing summer day by the pool quickly turns into a nightmare as the unknown killer begins to stalk and murdering the young girls one by one.”

Not a lot of plot. But hey, watching over-privileged snots get Cuisinart’d isn’t a bad way to waste time.

Parasites

PARASITES (JANUARY 24, 2017/VOD)
“The industrial barbarianism of downtown Los Angeles is equal parts player and punisher in this survive-at-all-costs tale of a group of friends who get lost in the seedy streets where they encounter a crazed gang of homeless derelicts that captures and maims them one-by-one. One lucky man escapes on foot, naked and unarmed, with a pack of depraved transients in pursuit, staying only seconds ahead. Clinging to sanity and reduced to helpless prey, with only instinct to guide him, can he survive this coliseum of horror?”

Industrial barbarianism. Sounds like a metal sub-genre. The songs practically write themselves. Time to start a band.

Sucking Succubus

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 27, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Succubus: Hell Bent

A couple of spoiled rich dudes go to Cabo (though they later tell police it was Cancun), where they score chick after chick with some of the worst pick-up lines ever uttered.

Succubus: Hell Bent

One such chick is so hot as to be a Succubus, a demonic entity that has humpty hump with you and then kills your. sex drive – permanently. The guys bail the next day without even saying, “Well it was certainly nice to have unsafe intercourse with you, Ms. Succubus – hope you don’t have to wait long for that succu-bus to take you home.”

Succubus: Hell Bent

This makes Succ-y mad. So she follows them back to L.A. and becomes an mega psycho bitch and kills those whom the “dine-n-dash” lover is close to. Interesting premise, but any guy with a psycho-ex is quite familiar with that kind of horror.

Succubus: Hell BentProblem #2: Succubus: Hell Bent (2007)  was written and directed by a chick, which means nudity is extremely limited.

Problem #3: They really shouldn’t let the actors write their own dialogue.

Problem #4: Way too long at an hour and a half. Then again, it’d be way too long at six minutes.

Problem #5: The director put her favorite band in the club scene and gave them way too much screen time. They suck more than the Succubus.

Problems #6 through #43: The special effects. (Succ Succ’s wings are so obviously wax paper, they have to blur them out so you don’t notice) are horribly outdated (think Netscape 3).

Lorenzo Lamas, David Keith and Gary Busey (as a heavy metal demon fighter) have bit parts, but watching them is as painful as watching this movie. They should’ve made Busey the monster because he’s scarier than anything to come from the depths of Hell. And that’s a compliment.

Gary Busey

Yelling About Hell

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jeruzalem

Full of themselves and/or self-righteousness, bible believers tell (i.e., violently scream from street corners) that there are three gates to Hell, alternate entrances in case the line to get in is too long. One is in the desert (lots of free parking), one is in the ocean (charter a boat and get in a little fishing while you’re at it) and one is in Jerusalem, famous religious tourist trap and home of all things worship-y.

JeruZalem, a new found footage horror movie releasing January 22, 2016, takes us there for a little “end of days” judgment, with violent screaming from street corners, divine bloodletting and zombie angels, hence the “Z”, a not-so-subtle cash-in on that other religion.

Jeruzalem

Here’s your penance: “Two American girls on vacation follow a mysterious anthropology student on a trip to Jerusalem. The party is cut short when the trio is caught in the middle of a biblical apocalypse. Trapped between the ancient walls of the holy city, they must find a way out as the fury of Hell is unleashed upon them.”

Couple of thoughts: Jerusalem/JeruZalem, or “Jesus Spring Break,” with all its biblical background, doesn’t seem like a go-to party place. (A dancing foot does not belong on a praying knee.)

Jeruzalem

Secondly, as this is a found footage flick (and after watching the trailer), there’s always one person who keeps the camera rolling no matter what demonic entity is eating your friend’s face. That alone makes you wanna thump their bible.

On that note, I’m a non-believer in camera batteries that never run out of juice. That film keeps rolling after hours and hours when my cell phone conks out after only one hour on 1-800-Boobie-Chat seems so blasphemous. Maybe the movie batteries are made by…DuraHell™. (C’mon, that was comedy gold…)