Monster Auction, Pharmaceutical Felines, Terrible Whales

Got a few hundred thousand spare bitcoin laying around? Then you might wanna head over to PropstoreAuction and get your fan freak on at all the cool movie memorabilia going up for grabs in Los Angeles, June 28 — 30, 2023. And you can preorder the auction catalog for a wallet-stopping $60 to see all the horror/sci-fi/fantasy movie props going up on the auction chopping block. (click here)

Want the evil clown doll from Poltergeist (1982)? It’s expected to bid out between $200,000 to $400,000. Carrie Fisher’s Princess Leia dress from the original Star Wars movies and the Batpod used by Christian Bale in The Dark Knight (2008)? Yeah, projected to fetch around $2,000,000 each. Need Harry Potter’s distressed costume with glasses from 2002’s Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets? Expensive, but you do need a new enchanted bathrobe, yes?

Other props include Jason Voorhees’ hockey mask from Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988), Thor’s cracked Mjolnir hammer used by both Natalie Portman and Chris Hemsworth in 2022’s Thor: Love and Thunder, one of Harrison Ford’s costumes from Blade Runner (1982), and that super scary spider head from John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982).

From PropstoreAuction’s website: “Propstore is holding a preview exhibition at its office facility in Valencia, CA by appointment from May 29 to June 20. The exhibition will feature over 80 lots, giving fans and hopeful bidders the chance to see props and costumes from the auction up close and ask questions to the specialists.” Click here for more info than I have time to include.

So while we all fantasize about driving the Batpod to the store while wearing Princess Lei’s dress and Jason’s hockey mask, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as super scary as a spider head…

COCAINE COUGAR / Out now (DVD/Blu-ray), Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A cougar high on cocaine escapes an animal testing facility and wrecks havoc on Los Angeles.”

Cougars in L.A. doing cocaine? When haven’t they? 

MOTHER, MAY I? / July 21, 2023 (VOD)

“Emmett wants to clean and flip his recently deceased mother’s house: get in, get out, and avoid any trauma still lingering from when she abandoned him as a young child. Anya, his fiancé, see’s this as an opportunity to finally force Emmett to deal with his trauma because she believes it is preventing him from being the partner she needs. So she convinces him to take mushrooms to get him to let go. But something strange happens while they’re tripping: she starts behaving like his mother. The next morning he wakes up sober, but she still won’t drop the act. Anya loves playing games — is this her taking it too far? Or did his mother’s spirit somehow possess her?”

This is what happens when you take drugs. Stick to beer and stay out of trouble. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

WHALE GOD / Release pending 2023 (VOD/DVD/Blu-ray™)

“Once a year, the quiet fishing village of Wadaura in Southern Japan is in a turmoil. The whalers have always concentrated their efforts to try and catch a Killer Whale which is easily twice as large as an ordinary leviathan, and passes by in the offing at the same time every year. Shaki, whose grandfather, father, and elder brother were all victims of the Killer Whale, is determined to kill it. As an inducement, the headman of the village promises to give his only daughter and all his possessions to anyone who succeeds in disposing of the terrible whale.”

This one came out in Japan in 1962 marketed under the generic title, Killer Whale. Now, six decades later, we’re finally gonna be able to see this lost Kaiju movie, with the title amphibian being a practical special effect and, get this, built to scale! Watch the trailer on YouTube™ to see how b*tchin’ cool this Orcinus orca is.

THE MOVERS / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A close-knit family who moves into a seemingly charming neighborhood, only to discover all is not what it appears. As they face persistent threats, the family begins to question their reality and the world around them. It’s a nightmarish universe of deceiving angels and compassionate demons, lost souls desperately seeking a way out.”

I live in a seemingly charming neighborhood as well, and it has a deceiving angel (me) and compassionate demons (Amazon™ delivery people). 

More Megalodons, AI Sci-Fi, Cutlery Kids

As mystically foretold on my May 9, 2023 blogging, here are three more/new ad sheets for Meg 2: The Trench, these coming from the incredibly prolific Xin Yi Lian, whose done countless movie art, including Time Raiders, Journey to the West: Reincarnation of the Demon King, and the 2021 Chinese 3D animated fantasy action film, Xin Shen Bang: Ne Zha Chongsheng. I don’t know what that means.

The new art — like the movie’s trailer — promises more giant and super mean creatures from the bottom of the ocean, including a kaiju-esque Kraken (Seattle hockey franchise AND big squid) and THREE megs. Releasing on August 4, 2023, Meg 2: The Trench looks to chew up and sh*t out the summer box office competition.

So while we wait for even more Meg 2 movie posters (there were 26 for the first movie), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as easily pronounceable as Xin Shen Bang: Ne Zha Chongsheng…

TRANSMUTATORS / Out now (VOD)

“Set in a time when mutants and behemoth alien warriors have come to a rule, a rebel group of survivors must embrace mega fighting machines to take on intergalactic invaders threatening humanity. 

This Filipino science fiction action film, or “movie”, was originally called Resiklo, which translates to Recycle. Given the photocopied plot plot, that sounds about right…

THE CREATOR / September 29, 2023 (Theaters)

“Amid a future war between the human race and the forces of Artificial Intelligence, Joshua, a hardened ex-special forces agent grieving the disappearance of his wife, is recruited to hunt down and kill the Creator, the elusive architect of advanced AI who has developed a mysterious weapon with the power to end the war — and mankind itself.”

The Terminator is listed as one of the screenwriters.

HORRORSCOPE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of college friends who, after getting their horoscopes read, begin dying in ways connected to their fortunes. Are their fates fatal or can they change what’s written in the stars?”

So college friends begin dying and it’s asked if their fates are fatal? Who wrote this — a college student? 

TIME OF MOULTING / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In a small town in 1970s West Germany, Stephanie is raised by two parents who have no business having children. The mother, never far from despair-induced collapse, suffers from an unspecified medical condition — one both mental and physical. The father makes it clear that he has no patience for his daughter Young Stephanie takes solace in exploring the mysteries hidden away in the increasingly untidy house, particularly the trunk full of her grandfather’s butcher’s equipment; older Stephanie takes far more sinister comfort in the tools found therein.”

Say what you will about kids playing with butcher tools — at least it keeps ’em away from drugs.

Kaiju Clothes, AI Vampires, Death To Earth

Got a spare $8,350.00 laying around and are need of some new church clothes? The MCS: Animatronic Attraction Maker in China has you covered. Makers of kaiju-sized animated dinosaurs (presumably to scare the fèihuà out of neighboring enemies), they now set their sights on creating a Godzilla suit that comes complete with G-sounds, spraying smoke and (my fav), nuclear pulse effect. To throw more bonus on the fire, MCS is shipping this 61lb. costume — for free.

Spiked head to clawed toe, the costume measures out at 7.87 feet tall, big enough to cram three frat boys into. The suit is made of silicone rubber, with a stainless steel frame, and colorized with high density foam-oil paint. From their product description: “We wanted to get a real nuclear pulse in the Godzilla suit-making process, so we added the LED light flashing effect to show Godzilla’s various emotions. The mouth can spray smoke and emit a light beam. For Godzilla fans, this is a real giant radioactive monster. It is time for you to wear this king of all costumed Kaiju at Godzilla cosplay events.”

So while we all go to the bank and fill out a loan application and put our car/house up for collateral and buy this suit immediately (only three left as of this e-barfing — click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make you spray smoke…

IMMORTAL OBSESSION: A HISTORY OF VAMPIRES / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“Written, illustrated, and performed entirely by AI, Immortal Obsession: A History of Vampires explores the classic monster’s captivating history, from their origins in ancient folklore to their enduring role in modern pop culture. Innovative filmmaker Brian Cunningham utilized ChatGPT to write a compelling script, a video generator to create a lifelike host, an art generator to provide striking illustrations, and a music engine to compose a dynamic score. Cunningham’s human touch was used to refine the script and edit together all of the AI-produced assets.”

AI-generated or not, vampires are not immortal. I have a Bible™ brand crucifix, a rib-eye stake and a six-pack of holy water (Budweiser™) to challenge any vampire’s deathlessness.

SECRET SPACE UFOS FASTWALKERS / Out now (VOD)

“An exhilarating adventure into the mysterious world of NASA-related UFO encounters in space. Starting in the late 1970s and continuing until now, expert researchers will reveal a history of anomalies recorded by military and space research missions. Beginning with Skylab 3’s UFO incident, expanding into the STS/ISS Mission Era, director Darcy Weir and the rest of the team uncover a deep recent history of UFO sightings in space. In the present day they uncover all of the developments in Congress regarding UAP research and disclosure to the public during 2023. A new interview conducted with a long lost space anomalies researcher Martyn Stubbs is included in this documentary.”

NASA is sitting on tons of UFO footage, but all the good stuff remains unseen by the “I want to believe” public. I bet all of it is stored in recyclable plastic grocery bags in the Pentagon’s hall closet.

SCAVENGER / Out now (VOD)

“Set in the wastelands of a future dystopia, Scavenger charts the transgressive journey of a female organ dealer as she seeks revenge on the remorseless crime cartel that murdered her family.”

I’d like to be an organ donor. If I ever get around to kicking the bucket, I hereby bequeath my Wurlitzer to anyone who can lift that f’n thing.

DOOMSDAY METEOR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A meteor bigger than the moon, and unseen by Earth until now, has less than a week until planetary impact. Scientists try to stop the giant mass with rockets armed with high-powered lasers. When that fails they land on the asteroid, mounting it with rockets in an attempt to push its orbit away from Earth. But as the team continues to run into problems they never imagined, the future of mankind becomes more and more bleak.”

For a similar but more hi-brow apocalyptic “rogue planet smashes into Earth” movie, watch Meloncholia (2011). You will actually cheer on the destruction of this stinkhole planet.

Gigantic Empire, Behind The Nightmare, Board With Sharks

After much speculation and ballyhoo (sorry — word of the day calendar), the OFFICIAL title for the next Godzilla/Kong movie is…Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire. Not sure what the “x” stands for, though given their newfound BFF status at the end of Godzilla vs. Kong (2021), they should title the movie, Godzilla xoxo Kong: The New Empire.

The 30 second teaser trailer shows a sinewy Kong sitting on his throne, throwing out his infamous “frowning of a lifetime glare,” while the scene pulls back over a sea of kaiju bones, culminating in two mega gigantic skulls formerly belonging to a previous Godzilla and Kong. Or maybe they are the bone-y remains of the current Godzilla and Kong and the Kong sitting on the throne is a new one. Or maybe I should just shut up and wait for the movie to find out, which is targeted to Imax™ and non-Imax™ screens on March 15, 2024.

Regardless, pant-tingling news for Godzilla and Kong fans, of which I am one. More tingles: there’s also a Skull Island anime series coming to Netflix™ and a live-action Godzilla and the Titans series coming to Apple TV+™ with Kurt Russell. I need to go do a load of laundry right now.

So while we IMPATIENTLY wait for March 15, 2024, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make your pants tingle…

HELLO HORROR / Out now (Screambox™, Bloody Disgusting TV)

“Hello Horror, featuring Vanessa Decker, Ryan Valdez, and Jones Bones, is a genre variety show that covers the spooky community – everything from red carpets, museums, cocktails, events, games, plus more. Vanessa and her crew take the audience on adventures, shining a light on the amazing community the genre has generated.”

I would like to drink a cocktail while standing on a red carpet in a museum. Just as long as there’s a bathroom close by because, hey, cocktails.

HOLLYWOOD, DREAMS & NIGHTMARES: THE ROBERT ENGLUND STORY / June 6, 2023 (Screambox™)

“Featuring interviews with Robert Englund and his wife Nancy, as well as fellow genre icons Lin Shaye, Eli Roth, Kane Hodder, Tony Todd, Adam Green, Bill Moseley, Heather Langenkamp and more, the documentary follows Englund’s career from his early days in Buster and Billie and Stay Hungry (starring with Arnold Schwarzenegger) to his big break in the 1980s as Freddy Krueger, to his directorial debut with the 1988 horror film 976-EVIL to his iconic acting status in current roles such as Netflix’s™ hit series, Stranger Things. With each new film in the series, Englund’s status as an icon grew until he became one of the most recognizable names in horror. Grossing over $450M at the box office, the Nightmare franchise has shown itself to be one of the most prolific in horror history. Spawning, merchandise, a television series and a 2010 remake, Englund’s influence continues to ripple across the genre.”

I saw each of the nine Freddy Krueger movie seven times each. So I’m responsible for at least $50 million of his box office take. (Note to Sir Englund: I need a receipt for my taxes — I’m writing it off as gambling losses. 

THE HORROR OF DELORES ROACH / July 7, 2023 (Amazon™ Original Series) 

“The Horror of Dolores Roach is based on the hit Gimlet podcast. The eight-episode, half-hour series is a contemporary Sweeney Todd-inspired tale, a macabre urban legend of love, betrayal, weed, gentrification, cannibalism, and survival of the fittest.”

Delores Roach. I hear she…bugs…a lot of people. Comedy gold, right there.

OUIJA SHARK 2 / July 25, 2023 (VOD), August 15, 2023 (DVD, Blu-ray)

“When the Ouija Shark emerges from Hell to cause havoc once more on earth, a sorcerer with a history of fighting the ghostly great white must follow it into a multiverse hellscape for one final battle. But this time he is bringing along some friends to help send the shark into oblivion.”

Maybe the sorcerer can conjure Quint from the dead to assist. He deserves punitive justice after Jaws ate him in half back in the Seventies. That was so mean of Jaws to do that.

International Horrors, Buzzkill Bees, Plug-in Kids

The success of a horror/sci-fi movie often depends heavily on eye-snagging poster art to economically market their cinematic bowel movements. Movie poster art is a culture unto its own, with numerous websites devoted to curating every movie poster ever designed. (Check out IMPAwards.com — it’s a treasure trove of both US and International hi-res movie posters.)

The illustrations on International horror and sci-fi movie posters, though, are crazy cool and often out-markets their US counterparts. You couldn’t tell, but the poster at the top is Pumpkinhead (1988) from Turkey. More examples — The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) – France, Alien (1979) – Poland, The Return of the Living Dead (1985) – Thailand, Jaws 2 (1978) – Poland — are great examples of art unrestrained from studio interference. (The movie ad sheet for 1969’s chiller Frosty the Snowman designed in Antarctica could have been so much more bloody had the studio not stepped in and ice-blocked it.)

Two of the crazier movie posters are Cujo (1983) from Ghana and The Omen (1976) from the Czech Republic. The Cujo poster looks like a pet greeting card while The Omen poster displays the movie’s evilness in devilishly hand-illustrated glory. So while we download these posters and frame ‘em, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be a cinematic bowel movement… 

SILO / May 5, 2023 (AppleTV+™)

The series tells of the last 10,000 people on Earth, their mile-deep home protecting them from the toxic and deadly world outside. However, no one knows when or why the silo was built, and any who try to find out face fatal consequences. An engineer seeks answers about a loved one’s murder and tumbles onto a mystery that goes far deeper than she could have ever imagined, leading her to discover that if the lies don’t kill you, the truth will.”

It’s not a silo — it’s a discarded kaiju milkshake straw Godzilla threw away after gorging at Fleeing Citizens Burgers Drive-In. (FYI: Their chili cheese fries are to die for.)

MARRY F*** KILL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Five estranged college friends reunite to attend their friend’s funeral after a shocking suicide. Scarred by a past betrayal that led to the ultimate demise of their friendship, an innocent game of Marry F**k Kill spawns into something far more sinister than they could have imagined.”

So this Marry F**k Kill game — I looked everywhere on Amazon.com™ and couldn’t find it. Maybe they have it at Hustler Superstore™.

BLOODTHIRSTY BEES (aka THE HIVE) / Release pending 2023 (VOD)
“The biological experiment of the Japanese army failed. A group of infected bloodthirsty bees attacked the experimenters and fled into the mountain forest. When Taoyuan Village in the middle of the mountain forest held a bonfire event, the mutant bees attacked the village, causing heavy casualties.”

It’d be really funny if Bloodthirsty Bees starred Sting.

ELECTRIC CHILD / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A computer scientist has a newborn son who suffers from a rare neurological disorder. The father then makes a deal with the artificial intelligence he is developing. If he manages to cure his son, he grants the life form in his supercomputer its freedom. This sets off a chain reaction that also has consequences for the outside world.”

Supercomputer gone wild movies have been around for awhile, prime examples being HAL (Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer) in 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) and Colossus in The Forbin Project (1970). And I’ll never forget that time my 1982 Commodore 64 supercomputer outsmarted me at Pong…and then digitally LOL’d right on the 640×400 resolution screen. Supercomputers are so rude.

Monster Brawl, Bedeviled Bluff, Sentient Body Parts

More teaser art for the upcoming six episode anime series Gamera: Rebirth on Netflix™ (sometime in 2023), with character posters depicting the kaiju ninja turtle swapping mutant DNA with long time nemesis Gyaos and that space oddity, Jiger. In total, the series states simply that Gam-Gam will get into a skirmish with five kaiju in all. Sounds like WWE’s™ Royal Rumble, but using buildings instead of folding metal chairs.

We all know Gyaos is an anvil-headed winged asshat who’ve been testing Gamera’s resolve since 1967. Gyaos is not only its birth name, but the name of an entire species of winged asshats. Jiger, in case it slipped your mind, is a mega-dinosaur kept out of commission by the Devil’s Whistle, a statue of unknown origins on Wester Island in the Pacific Ocean. Jiger’s powers — other than he’s a she — include jet propulsion (jets in the back of her hairdo), magnetium beam (can shoot curved beams out of the corner of her head so it doesn’t smear her lipstick), and shooting quills, not unlike a punk rock porcupine. 

Other old school kaiju from Gamera’s hit list could be Barugon (giant lizard with a unicorn horn, rainbow death ray that shoots out of it, extendo tongue), Viras (land squid with a spear head, able to swim and fly), Guiron (fat gator reptile, head shaped like a steak knife, can shoot shurikens stored in two indents on the side of his head, teeth 60 times sharper than a Mecha Piranha), and Zigra (alien space parrot, has a snack-pak variety of emitting beams — Cell Activity Suspension Beam, Fourth Dimensional Beam, Earthquake-Inducing Beam, Tri-Color Ray Blast — and can launch a nuclear weapon out of its mouth). All solid ingredients to make turtle soup.

So while we re-watch all the Gamera movies (there are 12), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you emit multi-colored beams out of your orifices…

THE BURIAL / Out now (VOD)
“When Molly’s boyfriend gets a phone call from his estranged brother, she thinks nothing of joining him on an impromptu family reunion at a remote cabin. However, she soon finds herself taking charge of a deadly situation when the trip’s true purpose is revealed and good intentions lead to a conflict with pure evil.”

Impromptu family reunions should take place at Red Robin™ or T.G.I. Fridays™. At either of those places you can get mozzarella sticks. At remote cabins in the woods, all you can get is sticks.

THE CURSE OF WOLF MOUNTAIN / May 2023 (VOD)

“AJ begins having vivid dreams of his parents’ death. He decides to go back to the spot where they were killed, 20 years ago, accompanied by his brother and his brother’s family. But legend has it there is something mysterious roaming these woods.”

The movie’s ad sheet says this one’s called Wolf Mountain. Serviceable, but boring. So they changed it after the fact to The Curse of Wolf Mountain. Just adding the word “curse” to anything makes it ominously cool. Example: The Curse of Ketchup…My Girlfriend’s Monthly Curse…Cursed Toilet Paper… Hey, this is fun!

APPENDAGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A young fashion designer seems fine on the surface but secretly struggles with debilitating self-doubt. Soon these buried feelings begin to make Hannah physically sick and sprout into a ferocious growth on her body: The Appendage. As Hannah’s health declines, The Appendage grows more powerful and begins to fuel her anxieties, her perceived lack of talent at work, her deteriorating relationships with her boyfriend and best friend and her parents’ lack of love and understanding. At her breaking point, Hannah makes a shocking discovery: there are others out there like her.”

I remember watching an adult movie called The Appendage. It didn’t have a plot.

THE WAIT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Eladio, hunting estate keeper, takes a bribe from a veteran hunter. Weeks later, his whole life falls apart. What looked like the opportunity of a lifetime, turns into a macabre descent to hell when he finds out that his misfortune might not be entirely by chance.”

They should’ve called this, Here Comes The Bribe.

15th Century Kaiju, Mechanical Monkey, Hand-y Horror

What if Godzilla was stomping around in the 1500s, deliberately stepping on minstrels, catchin’ a few PPV jousting matches and kickin’ it old school with Leonardo da Vinci? That’s the premise — Godzilla in the 1500s, not the other cool stuff I mentioned — of IDW™’s new comic miniseries, Godzilla: Here There Be Dragons.

From IDW™’s press release: “In the 1500s, before humanity had successfully traveled the entire globe, it was believed that monsters ruled the oceans just beyond the horizon. ‘Here there be dragons…’ was written on maps to denote the areas people dared not go. That is, until Sir Francis Drake circumnavigated the seas, visiting foreign lands and collecting treasure. Or…at least that’s what history tells us. The truth is, tremendous beasts did lurk yonder, dwelling on an island that doesn’t appear on any map, even to this day. And among those monsters was the king of them all…Godzilla!”

Godzilla might like the 1500s as there was a lot of dung hitting the fans back then. The first printed bible in English was published in 1526 and rose to the top of the fiction carts. In his 1543 book, On the Revolutions of the Celestial Spheres, Polish astronomer Nicolaus Copernicus caused another revolution, by stating that science, not religion, best explains how the universe works. (I totally copied every word of that off this thing called the “Internet.”) The first National Lottery was created in 1567. And people jumped in their carts and flash mobbed the local 7-Eleventh™ for scratchers. And in 1595, The Widdows Treasures by John Partridge was published and claimed to contain a cure for drunkeness. Laughter around the local pubs when passages were read out loud.

So while you look forward to Godzilla’s adventures in the past (the first comic comes out in June, 2023/$3.99), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not encourage rampant drunkeness…

APE VS. MECHA APE / Out now (VOD)

“Recognizing the destructive power of its captive giant ape, the military makes its own battle-ready A.I. — Mecha Ape. But its first practical test goes horribly wrong, leaving the military no choice but to release the imprisoned giant ape to stop the colossal robot before it destroys downtown Chicago.”

YEST ANOTHER rip-off movie from Asylum Studios™, who never had an original movie in their photocopy brains. This one “pays homage” to King Kong Escapes (1967), in which the massive monkey meets his mechanical doppelgänger. It’s free to watch on YouTube™, in case you’re so motivated.

TRINKET BOX / March 31, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

A newlywed couple move to a new home set on starting new beginnings, but an historical evil, locked away for years, is about to break free and wreak havoc on their relationship and their lives.

Three words come to mind: mother-in-law.

ANTHROPOPHAGUS II / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of female students and their lecturer, Nora, camp inside a bomb bunker to do research on the theses they are writing. After being escorted by a sinister-looking janitor, the girls prepare to spend 24 hours locked in the bunker. In the middle of the night, two of them disappear without a trace. Nora coordinates the search, but soon the survivors find themselves trapped in a maelstrom of violence at the hands of an anthropophagus.”

The only thing scarier than an anthropophagus is trying to pronounce its name.

THE NEW HANDS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When Bram Victor is dumped by his girlfriend he is convinced it’s because of his ugly hands. Mangled, unattractive, he becomes convinced that a pair of new hands will bring her back. What to do? Since he is a serial killer, he comes to realize that a new set of hands from beautiful victims is the only way to win back the girl of his dreams.”

A serial killer who will go to extremes for love? You gotta…hand…it to him. Heh.

Glazed Gorilla, Bearly Evil, Ghost Criminals

In King Kong vs. Godzilla, the 1962 kaiju classic dust up, there was the hilariously memorable and infamous scene where Kong gets drunk as a mecha-skunk and passes out, his bar tab covered by jungle natives. This is so he can be taken passively to Japan for promotional purposes and ends up in a smackdown with Godzilla, who is a total teetotaler. (The outcome depended on whether you live in the US or Japan.) Now you can get a Drunk Kong action (or would that be non-action) figure and get your jungle boogie on.

From TemptingToysandCollectibles.com website: “Rotokaiju drunk King Kong 1962 30cm Vinyl figure fully built and painted (made in 2020). This limited version was completely built and painted by the manufacturer and has the ‘drunk’ Kong face and three Suma Juice jars.” Drunk Kong stands 12” inches tall — or 12” long when he’s laying in the gutter, stinking of Suma Juice highballs. That’s the fun news. The opposite of that is Drunk Kong costs $1,999.00. (Conversely, a six-pack of Suma Juice is only $1.00._ Spend your money here.

The way they transport Drunk Kong off Faro Island was genius, strapping him to hot air balloons and gently escorting the drunky monkey off the premises. FYI: If you plan on chugging down a few jars of Suma Juice (called Soma Juice on the box and Farolacton Juice on Kong’s island), be sure and have a designated balloon handler to get you home — don’t drink and float.

So while we head to the Faro Island’s corner liquor store to stock up on Farolacton Juice and become a party animal, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your head swell up like a balloon…

ADALYNN / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“A mother is fighting postpartum depression and slipping over the edge. It becomes hard to distinguish where depression ends and her nightmares turn real as she and her newborn are haunted by a stalker unlike any other.”

Probably a demonic nanny/babysitter. I had one. She let me get away with murder.

NIGHT OF THE KILLER BEARS / April 18, 2023 (VOD)

“After not seeing each other for a long time, five teenage friends living in Bangkok go on a vacation together, staying at a quiet resort isolated from the city. Things take a dark turn when it’s revealed each of them have hidden secrets, and unbeknown to the group, there is someone observing them. When one of them ends up brutally murdered, paranoia and distrust surrounds the group, motivating each remaining member to accuse each other of being the murderer or considering the possibility that the real murderer is the unseen presence observing them, and that they all are in danger.”

Bears are the new sharks in horror movies recently, what with the moderate successes of Cocaine Bear (2023), Winnie-The-Pooh: Blood and Honey (2023). But for really scare bears, that chemical pollution-mutated one in The Prophecy (1979) and the alien-mutated one in Annihilation (2018) are both pretty…grizzly.

LEGEND OF THE WHITE DRAGON / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Erik Reed, The White Dragon, has returned home to Virtuo City three years later after being defeated in a colossal battle against the ancient overlord, Ashtagor. The crystal he used to become the White Dragon was broken in two as a result of the epic battle, both pieces were subsequently lost. Being blamed for the destruction and collateral lives lost, his identity was outed after the battle thus making him a fugitive from the law. We now follow Erik on his journey as he teams up with treasure hunters from the past who help him reclaim his power as the White Dragon. Once reunited with his powers, he and his team are now ready to battle a new threat, Dragon Prime, who seeks revenge against the White Dragon and try and defeat Dragon Prime in order to get one step closer to clearing his name and being able to protect his family from an ancient evil that still lurks in the darkness — Ashtagor.”

A lot going on here. Then again, the trailer explodes with spaceships, punching violence, future bikinis, ancient overlords with dumb names, revenge glares and costumes that look more at home in a 1980s video game. So yeah, I’ll watch the movie.

DEADLAND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A U.S. Border Patrol Agent tries to apprehend the ghost of his father, a grave decision that will haunt him forever.”

Related or not, ghost criminals are the worst because it’s near to impossible to keep ’em in jail, what with being able to walk through walls ’n stuff.

Frolicking Kaiju, Clay Sharks, Teenage Death Trap

Going back to the medieval days of 1997, there were three-minute campy film shorts under the title of Godzilla Island (250 in all), but you had to temporarily visit and/or live in Japan to see ’em. But wait — you can watch ’em on YouTube™ in the US for free right now. And yes, they’re subtitled. Whew — now I can understand the screaming of fleeing Japanese citizens in a language I’m somewhat familiar with.

Behold — the details: “Travel to Godzilla Island and enjoy the antics of your favorite kaiju such as Mothra, Rodan, Ghidorah, and of course, Godzilla in the 1997 short-form series. The year is 2097. Monsters live and frolic on Godzilla Island under the watchful eye of G Guard, a human peacekeeping force. But with a massive, belligerent UFO heading straight for the island, how long can that peace last? Episodes of Godzilla Island will be released every Tuesday and Thursday (click here).”

While we contemplate what a belligerent UFO is exactly, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be better suited in a three-minute format… 

THE RESURRECTION OF CHARLES MANSON / March 16, 2023 (VOD)

“A couple goes to the desert for a romantic weekend and shoots an audition for a role in an upcoming film. Their holiday quickly turns deadly as they are the target of a cult that carries on the evil beliefs and murderous practices of the Manson Family. This cult believes they can resurrect the ultimate object of their obsession — Charles Manson himself — through a shocking ritual of human sacrifice.”

All quality cults live in the desert. And the woods. And that scummy apartment building right next to mine.

JURASSIC SHARK 3: SEAVENGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A reporter, cameraman, and some petty thieves are stranded in a boat out on the ocean. The only thing that stands between them and their lives is a 50-foot prehistoric megalodon shark. They must all pull together to survive.”

According to my investigative research (Wikipedia™), the estimated maximum length of a megalodon is 67 feet. This means this movie’s megalodon, at 50 feet long, is a bit on the short side. In other words, this shark is a…shrimp.

COCAINE SHARK / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A mafia drug lord has unleashed a new, highly addictive stimulant on the streets called HT25, derived from sharks held captive in a secret lab, and which causes monstrous side effects. After an explosion and leak at the lab, an army of mutated, bloodthirsty sharks and other creatures are set loose on the world as a small band of people try to stop the carnage.”

I watched the trailer — the mutated bloodthirsty sharks are made of clay. Highly addictive clay.

THE WRATH OF BECKY / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Two years after she escaped a violent attack on her family, Becky attempts to rebuild her life in the care of an older woman — a kindred spirit named Elena. But when a group known as the ‘Noble Men’ break into their home, attack them, and take her beloved dog, Diego, Becky must return to her old ways to protect herself and her loved ones.”

Kinda like Home Alone (1990), but with more slaughtering.

Monochrome Kaiju, Purging Priest, Aliens Hate Raves

It was a huge national debate after the movie Godzilla (aka, Gojira) premiered in 1954 — is the monster green or some sort of skid mark brown? No one could tell as Godzilla was a black and white movie. (Given Godzilla’s reptile lineage, green was the side of the street most people stood on.)

Now, with the release of Mezco Toys™ Kaiju Collective Godzilla (1954) Black and White Edition Figure, the argument can finally be settled — the famous monster is…DARK GREY. And Mezco Toys™ is replicating our favorite colorless monster with this figure straight out of 1954.

From EntertainmentEarth’s press release (that’s where you can buy one or more for $140.00): “The Kaiju Collective Godzilla (1954) features an all-new seamless body designed with an internal skeleton armature that is durable yet highly posable, a hinged jaw that opens and closes, and is approximately 8” tall and 12” from teeth to tail. The beastly behemoth comes with interchangeable hands that allow him to hold his included accessories like a jet plane and railway. The included dilapidated building replicas, military tanks, canons, and heat ray FX assist in recreating a multitude of unique display options.” EntertainmentEarth.com is taking preorders (click here) for a December 2023 fulfillment date — just in time for me to be Christmas-gifted with one ‘o these action figures.  

So while we all purge our lives of all things hippie day-glo color and immerse ourselves in black and white (if it’s good enough for Godzilla, it’s good enough for EVERYONE), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you turn green or some sort of skid mark brown…

BOSTON STRANGLER / March 17, 2023 (Hulu™)

“Loretta McLaughlin, a reporter for the Record-American newspaper, becomes the first journalist to connect the Boston Strangler murders. As the mysterious killer claims more and more victims, Loretta attempts to continue her investigation alongside colleague and confidante Jean Cole, yet the duo finds themselves stymied by the rampant sexism of the era. Nevertheless, McLaughlin and Cole bravely pursue the story at great personal risk, putting their own lives on the line in their quest to uncover the truth.”

That super mean Boston Strangler guy murdered 13 women back in the ‘60s in Boston of all places. He (you already know who BS is) died in 1973, ironically from choking on Ladies’ Fingers.

THE POPE’S EXORCIST / April 14, 2023 (Theaters)

“Portrayal of a real-life figure Father Gabriele Amorth, a priest who acted as chief exorcist of the Vatican and who performed more than 100,000 exorcisms in his lifetime. (He passed away in 2016 at the age of 91.) Amorth wrote two memoirs — An Exorcist Tells His Story and An Exorcist: More Stories — and detailed his experiences battling Satan and demons that had clutched people in their evil.”

Some hellish math goin’ on here. If Father Gabriele Amorth performed more than 100,000 stated exorcisms during his 60 year+ headlining appearance at the Vatican Soul Food Bar & Grill, this means he would have had to do 1,666.666 demon-shooing procedures a year. That comes out to 4.56 exorcisms every day for six decades. No Saturday or Sunday nights off, no holidays, company parties or booze cruises. Just an assembly line of evil begone. 

Statistically, the Vatican’s “quantity over quality” chi-scrubbing means there’s likely a LOT of still demon-infected people who could have a case for a refund…and maybe some of those surprisingly delicious communion crackers priests love to hand out like blessed parking tickets.

COLD BLOWS THE WIND / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Dean and Tasha’s first mistake was driving drunk. Their second, hitting a jogger. Their third, driving out to a remote location to bury the body. Tensions build between them as they can’t agree about anything along the way. When a mysterious visitor arrives offering not to tell anyone about the body they buried in exchange for protection, their night goes from bad to worse. Will the two of them be able to work together to make it back home? Or will the rift between them lead to even more horrific mistakes?”

Reminds me of the old joke: “If you don’t like the way I drive, then stay off the sidewalk.” A day doesn’t go by where I don’t LOL over that one.

BLUE LIGHT / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“Seven childhood friends excitedly embark on a road trip in an old RV to the coolest underground music festival out there – Blue Light. It will turn into a nightmare journey for which there is no U-turn for survival. They will carry the scars of the experience for the rest of their lives — if they survive.”

A UFO movie. So the gang sees the UFO, thinks it’s festival rave lights, and get out of the RV and start dancing like they were idiot-streaming on TikTok™. Horrified, the aliens see this, then vaporize the party-goers with some sort of hi-tech vape-o-beam. I just spoiled the plot for you. Sorry, not sorry.