Superhuman, Super Lame, Superman’s Grandpa

Keeping a watchful eyeball on X-Men: The New Mutants movie slated for 2018. Don’t know why I thought this was gonna be a TV series. Wishful thinking. (Maybe getting it mixing bowl’d with The Gifted, another Marvel/X-Men spin-off.) From the press release: “Styled in some places (although not officially) as X-Men: The New Mutants, the film will be based on the longstanding spin-off comic dealing with Professor X’s younger class of superhumans.”

No doubt it will star a bunch of “superheroes” with inhumanly perfect white teeth, perfect complexions and perfect chiseled abs that look like perfectly aligned pie dough rollers.

Speaking perfect, here’s some upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be pie-rollers…

ARMED RESPONSE (August 4, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“The compound, known professionally as a Temple, is an artificial intelligence powered facility designed for interrogating high level prisoners. Upon entering the Temple, the soldiers quickly find the earlier team horrifically slaughtered but no evidence as to who is responsible. Almost immediately, the crew (led by Wesley Snipes) begins to experience strange and horrific supernatural phenomena as they attempt to uncover who killed the previous team. Soon enough, they find a lone survivor, a dangerous terrorist who may hold the key to who killed the soldiers.”

Sounds almost exactly like The Predator (1987.)

Just when you thought Wesley Snipes’ movie titles could get any worse. (Looking in your direction The Marksman (2005), The Detonator (2006), The Contractor (2007). As in 99% of WS movies, you can expect a lot of guns, endless shooting/bullets and more importantly, gun posing. Mind you, Mr. Snipes is an exceptionally fine American talent (looking in your direction, The Fan/1996). But he’s far more talented than the movies he stars in (I’m looking in your direction, Gallow Walkers /2012.)

68 KILL (August 25, 2017)
“A hard-working man’s inability to say no to beautiful women gets him in trouble when he agrees to steal $68,000.

Bloody-Disgusting.com is calling 68 Kill, “bloody, hilarious Southern Gothic madness.” As for the “can’t say no to women” guy — dude, I get it. But stealing is a criminal act, whether said beautiful woman physically rewards such unlawful behavior or not. And no, butt hickeys are not rewards. Okay, sometimes they are. But a crime is a crime.

6.66PM (2017/2018)
“A team of television ghost hunters gets more than they bargained for. The house, they are pretending is haunted, turns out to be occupied by the evil spirit of an insane serial killer. Their scripted reality show goes hilariously haywire as the demon fights to take possession of their bodies. But can they make it out alive? Only time will tell in this silly case of spooky shenanigans where the body count keeps rising and so do the undead.”

Better title than 7:06PM. I tried setting my kitchen clock to 6:66PM, but every time I look at it, it says 7:06PM. I wonder if it’s possessed or if I’m that dumb? Possessed clock, no doubt. Still keeping it. The above sounds like a horror comedy, a genre that should not exist. Then again, without it, we would haven’t have gems as The Ghost And Mr. Chicken/1966 (a cinematic horror comedy landmark/benchmark) and Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)/2011, a movie so anti-good, how could it not be a comedy?)

KRYPTON (TV series/2018)
“Krypton will follow Superman’s grandfather — whose House of El was ostracized and shamed — as he fights to redeem his family’s honor and save his beloved world from chaos.”

Love how TV is embracing comic book history and actually doing a bit of re-imagining to make it palatable to people who don’t know the fundamental and cool difference between an actual comic book whose printed low-grade pages were more like recycled toilet paper than that of the digital “graphic novels” of today. There’s something intrinsically wrong about implementing a morning constitutional while swiping, which ironically, is something you should be doing afterward.

The humorous intent of this blog is dedicated to Andrea Nelson, a long time friend who left us far too soon, but nevertheless has kept a smile on my face over countless jokes over countless years. Miss you dearly, you adorable nut bag.

More Sharks, A Few Killers, A Bunch of Superheroes

Been watching a lot of trailers for the spring/summer movie season. The two I really spazz out over are the ones for Justice League and Wonder Woman. (By the way, you can buy Wonder Woman stamps at the post office. I often go there to see if my picture has yet to be added to the wall.)

The one that isn’t doing a thing for me is the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. It looks like a half-assed version of the first movie, which came out in 2014. Getting a chuckle, though from the new Thor: Ragnarok trailer. Big T faces down the Hulk in some sort of forced battle arena (i.e., Christians vs. The Lions pay-per-view, 80 A.D.)

Speaking of chuckling, here’s some upcoming horror movies that by definition should make you laugh, since there hasn’t been a really scary movie since The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966). And no, The Blair Witch Project (1999) wasn’t remotely scary. Don’t believe the hype.

47 METERS DOWN (June 6, 2017)
“On the rebound after a devastating break-up, Lisa is ready for adventure while on vacation in Mexico. Even still, she needs a little extra persuasion when her daring sister suggests they go shark diving with some locals. Once underwater in a protective cage, Lisa and Kate catch a once in a lifetime, face-to-face look at majestic Great Whites. But when their worst fears are realized and the cage breaks away from their boat, they find themselves plummeting to the bottom of the seabed, too deep to radio for help without making themselves vulnerable to the savage sharks, their oxygen supplies rapidly dwindling.”

Yes, you’re, like, double correct; I previewed this on June 30, 2016. I had just combed my hair in a stylish fashion. But that was when they title the movie In The Deep, which sucks clam juice. They changed it to that from 47 Meters Down. Now they changed it back. Geez, pick a lane, Lois. And they changed the key art AGAIN, but this time it’s better than the Art Institute™ version it was before. It’s also a year late in getting in front of my attentive eyeballs. Better get here soon; I’m getting the urge to comb my hair again.

POLAROID (August 25, 2017)
“High school loner Bird Fitcher has no idea what dark secrets are tied to the Polaroid™ vintage camera she stumbles upon, but it doesn’t take long to discover that those who have their picture taken meet a tragic end.”

This one echoes Stephen King’s 1990 novella “The Sun Dog” from his Four Past Midnight collection.  If you haven’t read it, you probably should. Haunted Polaroid™ in that one as well. And it’s okay to move your lips whilst reading it. I do it all the time, even when I’m typing. Feels like I’m having a friendly conversation with my self. As for the camera that kills, let’s give it to all those selfie-prone people. On that subject — stop taking pictures of yourself; you’re not as good looking as you think. And quit sucking in your cheeks and pursing your lips — you look like a Grouper fish about to take the bait.

DEEP IN THE WOODS (September 27, 2017)
“Tommi, a 4-year-old child, disappears during an annual Krampus festival. Five years later, a child was found nameless and without documents. DNA matches — he is Tommi. Manuel, the father, can finally embrace his son. The mother, Linda, however, cannot adapt to the new situation. As suspicion digs inside her: what if that child is not really her son?”

It’s probably Tommi, but he’s likely p.o.’d that they didn’t finish spelling his name before sending him out into the woods to gather Krampus snacks. Wonder if he’s possessed by the spirit of the Pine Cone King? Hey, if you believe in Krampus, you’d probably fall for anything.

DOWNHILL (October 10, 2016 / UK / 2017 U.S.)
“After his best friend dies in a racing accident, biking star Joe agrees to go back on the wheels for an exhibition in Chile. On a test run with his girlfriend Stephanie, they stumble upon a badly injured man dying from a mysterious virus. That’s the start of a very bad day for them as they become the target of relentless killers ready to do anything to keep their secret from going out of the mountains.”

This one came out in England in October 2016. Looked for it in non-British places, but have yet to find it. So yeah, biking horror. There’s something new-ish. I bet the dying guy was infected with boredom. Or a hickey from the (wait for it)…PINE CONE KING! Now there’s a horror movie worth pursuing.

Aussie Ghosts, Home Invading Aliens and Vegas Zombies

As a change of pace, been watching some classic horror comedies (I totally heart you The Ghost and Mr. Chicken/1966). But the best horror comedy you’ll ever see is coming from the White House. That thing should be a g’damn film studio.

Here’s some upcoming horror films that won’t make you laugh…

CAUGHT (2017)
“While on an afternoon walk with their children, two small town reporters notice the military camped on a hilltop. Debating the possible significance of this activity, they answer their door when two unusual strangers come knocking and find themselves held hostage in their own home.”

Don’t let the bland and uninspired press release put you off; this is an alien home invasion movie. So what could extraterrestrials possibly want from our shelves, cupboards and nightstand drawers? Given their galaxy-known probing procedures, they’re probably look for lube. The director is describing this movie as “alien art house.” Sounds cool, but I have no idea what that means.

LEMON TREE PASSAGE (Available now Australia/Russia/2017 U.S.)
“A group of young backpackers in Australia discover that a legendary local ghost tale turns out to be true.”

The trailer looks pretty cool, introducing a bunch of young people to a much shorter lifespan in creative ways. The legend goes that if a car load of disposables travel down Lemon Tree Passage (in the States we call that a “road”) a light follows them. My advice to annoying young people — you can find Lemon Tree Passage on Google Maps™. Go there. Today, if possible. Unfortunately, this movie will be re-titled to the supremely generic/boring Death Passage for its US release.

IT STAINS THE SANDS RED (2017)
“Following a zombie apocalypse, Molly finds herself lost in the Las Vegas desert with one of the rabid living dead hot on her trail. Although at first she finds it hard to give him the slip, the situation gets even more complicated when the girl realizes that, unlike her pursuer has no physical need to stop and rest.”

Sorry about the art — was unable to find official stuff after 30 seconds of frantic clicking around the web. Interesting premise — a zombie pursing a chick in the desert like he was Jaws: The Revenge (1987), wherein the shark follows Chief Brody’s widow halfway around the world, just to have a nosh with her.

THE SOUND (2017)
“Kelly is a writer and a skeptic of the supernatural. As a specialist in acoustic physics she uses low frequency tactile sound-waves to debunk reported paranormal activities for her online blog. When presented a new case of a supposedly haunted subway station Kelly sets off to uncover the truth behind the hoax that involves a 40-year-old unexplained suicide. Her investigation takes her deep into the abandoned station where her skepticism is tested. As Kelly ascends into the depths of the metro’s darkness she is confronted by an unforeseen evil. In the vastness, she must face her own haunted memories to find the truth and surface back into the light.”

How can you be a skeptic of the supernatural with all those ghosts goonin’ out everyone who dares venture into a haunted subway station/7-Eleven™? And while we’re on the subject, why is it ghosts are always of the “unforeseen evil” variety? Are there no more nice ghosts left? (I don’t count Casper the Friendly Ghost as he’s more emo than friendly. Nothin’ worse than a whiny poltergeist.)

THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT (2018)
“Over a span of 12 years, the highly intelligent Jack introduces the murders that define his development as a serial killer. We experience the story from Jack’s point of view, while he postulates each murder is an artwork in itself. As the inevitable police intervention is drawing nearer, he is taking greater and greater risks in his attempt to create the ultimate artwork.”

Gotta love an artist who commits to his craft. Wonder what he uses as his medium? Acrylics? Water colors? Pottery clay? Needle point? The “As Seen On TV” Aero Knife™, the one where nothing sticks to it? (At $19.95, that’s a kick ass bargain. Gotta get me one and see if it makes peanut butter fall to the wayside.)

Curse of the Unseen Ultimate Evil Ghost

How come Hollywood isn’t paying me to post all this e-barfing about their horror movies? It’s at least worth minimum wage. And would it kill them to throw in a few paid personal days off? Don’t tell me they can’t afford it; I’ve seen movie stars wearing clean clothes all the time, so somebody’s making big cake.

Anyway, five new ones THAT I’M NOT GETTING PAID TO ADVERTISE. Pffft.

THE WAILING (November 25, 2016)
“Out of his depth, local police officer Jong-goo investigates a spate of killings, as well as an outbreak of madness seemingly connected to the recent arrival of a mysterious Japanese man who resides in the outskirts of the village. What’s more, he’s horrified to discover his young daughter may have fallen under the stranger’s curse and must confront the ultimate evil.”

The ultimate evil. Pffft. That line is used in almost every lazily-written horror movie press release. You don’t know what the ultimate evil is until you’ve been in the men’s bathroom at the Maharajah in West Seattle. To say it’s a portal to Hell is being complimentary. The sink faucets should be dispensing holy water.

BEACON POINT 92017)
“Zoe joins a small group of inexperienced hikers for an adventure of a lifetime, exploring the Appalachian Trail. After a gruesome discovery they become lost deep in the mountains. The adventure spins out of control when they’re terrorized at their campsite by an unseen force.”

My gut tells me the “unseen force” is either an invisible bear or that stupid Blair Witch. Pffft – she’s about as scary as a stylishly-camouflaged Bigfoot.

POLTERGEIST ENCOUNTERS (2017)
“A questionable group of paranormal investigators with their own web series receive the offer of a lifetime: stay one night in a potentially haunted house for a large sum of money. What could possibly go wrong?”

Pffft – That scenario’s been used since 1959’s House on Haunted Hill. For an excellent “spend the night in a haunted house” movie (in addition to HoHH), give The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966) some earnest couch time. A modern grindhouse classic.

THE TERRIBLE TWO (2017)
“Albert and Rose Poe approach the first anniversary of the death of their daughters, Addi and Jade. As the day comes and goes, Rose continues to struggle to come to grips with the loss of her only children. She begins hearing the girls’ voices throughout the house. Soon Albert and Rose find themselves prisoners of their precious little girls in the safety of their own home.”

Did they just give away the plot? Thanks for nothing, lazy press release writer. Pffft – it’s probably the ultimate evil masquerading as the little girls.

A CURE FOR WELLNESS (February 17, 2017)
“An ambitious young executive is sent to retrieve his company’s CEO from a mysterious ‘wellness center’ at a remote location in the Swiss Alps. He soon suspects that the spa’s miraculous treatments are not what they seem. When he begins to unravel its terrifying secrets he finds himself diagnosed with the same curious illness that keeps all the guests here longing for the cure.”

Pffft – what secret? Clearly, the miraculous treatment is booze.

P.S. Pffft.