Enchanting Garb, Fruit Cult, Alien Parents

A fairy/faerie in literature, art, European folklore culture and slasher grindhouse horror movies is defined as being a type of mythical being or legendary creature and a form of spirit, often described as being metaphysical, supernatural, or preternatural — with or without a butcher knife and/or chainsaw.

Not surprisingly, many women want to be fairies, a fantasy that started with Disney’s™ Tinker Bell and the Nutcracker’s Sugar Plumb Fairy (who sounds like a drug dealer). This fantasia annually fuels the sale of countless fairy costumes every Halloween. But while most of us are content to augment our wardrobe from Spirit Halloween™, one should look to Pinterest™ for fairy fashion options. 

These exotic and otherworldly gowns (or “dresses”) — suitable for cosplay or fantasy horror movies — can fetch thousands for an ensemble that probably shouldn’t be cleaned in a coin-fed washing machine. Also, you’d have to sell a lot of teeth to the Tooth Fairy to afford one.

So while we drink absinthe (fun fact: “The Green Fairy” is the nickname for absinthe) and fantasize about wearing one of these dresses to a bachelorette party and/or doing some light grocery shopping, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not tinker your bell…

WAKING KARMA / January 26, 2023 (VOD)

“Karma and her mother have spent their lives evading Paul, her cult leader father. With Paul closing in as Karma reaches adulthood, she and her mother flee to a friend’s remote compound. Paul tracks them there and traps them within its walls, putting Karma through a series of escalating tests designed to break her spirit and awaken an unholy inheritance that lives within her.”

So if she misbehaves, do we call her…“Bad Karma”? Heh.

SEEDS / January 31, 2023 (VOD)

Grieving mother Macha must track down her husband Andrew, a university professor who has been invited to a remote area of New England to take part in mysterious cult’s ritual in order to receive an inheritance from his uncle. The cult that worships the mystical and ancient power of the apple has also been infiltrated by the Catholic Church under the command of the very ambitious Cardinal Sinibaldi.”

An apple a day keeps organized religion away.

ONYX THE FORTUITOUS AND THE TALISMAN OF SOULS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Amateur occultist Marcus J. Trillbury — aka Onyx the Fortuitous — is struggling. He’s misunderstood at home and work, but his dreams for a new life seem to be answered when he lands a coveted invitation to the mansion of his idol Bartok the Great for a ritual to raise the spirit of an ancient demon. He excitedly joins Bartok and his fellow eclectic group of devotees as they prepare for the ceremony, but pretty quickly it becomes apparent everything is not as it seems. As Onyx and his new friends fight to keep their souls, he must decide what he’s willing to truly sacrifice in order to meet his destiny.”

Marcus should worry more about getting beat up for having a dumb name than conjuring ancient demons.

ALIENS ABDUCTED MY PARENTS AND NOW I FEEL KINDA LEFT OUT / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“Itsy is new in town and her life seems over until she meets her space-obsessed neighbor Calvin, who believes his parents were abducted by aliens. An aspiring journalist, Itsy decides to write an exposé on Calvin but ends up discovering much more.”

Hey kid — your folks weren’t abducted. They abandoned you. Bet you’re feeling really left out now.

Future Fashion, Skin It To Win It, Cartoon Cryptid

Here’s one for the WTF Files — Sideshow Collectibles is selling an exact replica of the countdown watch Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell) wore in the sci-fi classic, Escape From New York (1981). The Lifeclock One Snake Edition Smartwatch Prop Replica made by Ridgewood Watch Co. certainly paid attention to the details. But presumably the watch isn’t loaded with micro-explosives that will rupture your carotid arteries if you fail some sort of mission.

From the press release: “The Lifeclock one features a countdown, 22:59’:59” (Hartford Summit configuration only), standard and military time options, the ability to program up to 8 world clocks, display the date in 1 of 5 formats, stopwatch, 18 display animations and 8 character animations. With the app you can access the smartphone camera shutter release, push notifications of incoming and missed calls, voicemails, SMS & iMessage, app notifications (Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Pinterest, LinkedIn, and more to come). The activity monitor tracks steps independent of your smartphone. A customizable daily alarm is also included.”

That’s a wrist-full. But here’s the real mind-blower — the oversized time piece, which doesn’t go with anything except combat spandex, is $399.00. If you’re so inclined to burn money, order yours by clicking HERE. If not, then here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not rupture your carotid arteries and/or combat spandex…

THE OUTER WILD (available now)
“In this post-apocalyptic frontier western, mankind has given way to a new breed of beast, mutated from man. The survivor Laura may be the cure to these mutations but she flees to save herself. Aided by a hunter sent to catch her, she braves the dangerous unnatural wilderness in order to find a fabled refuge of freedom — and only there will she discover the fate of humanity at the end of the world.”

Apparently, this came out in September of the lost year of 2018. I must’ve been doing my laundry and the darn thing went right over my boxed detergent. As for the fabled refuge of freedom, that may be what they call it in the Apocalypse. But in the here and now we call it “7-Eleven™”.

PERFECT SKIN (August 25, 2018/UK | 2019 U.S.)
“This independent British feature film explores tattooing and body modification, and follows Katia, a young Polish woman, and her relationship with a mysterious tattoo artist — taking a dark turn as her fascination with him grows.”

I find the only way to get perfect skin is to use Scrubbing Bubbles™ followed by a moisturizing coat of floor wax. Most brands do the trick. P.S. Don’t do that — you might bump into me and get it all over my KISS t-shirt.

THE INTRUDER (2018/2019)
“A young married couple buy a beautiful Napa Valley home only to find that the man they bought it from refuses to let go of the property…and he slowly terrorizes them.”

The trailer for this one is nut house and goes straight to crazy town. And if you look closely enough, you’ll see nods to The Shining (1980) and Psycho (1960). I proclaim that to be quite cool.

MISSING LINK (April 12, 2019)
Meet Mr. Link: 8 feet tall, 630 lbs, and covered in fur, but don’t let his appearance fool you…he is funny, sweet, and adorably literal, making him the world’s most lovable legend. Tired of living a solitary life in the Pacific Northwest, Mr. Link recruits fearless explorer Sir Lionel Frost to guide him on a journey to find his long-lost relatives in the fabled valley of Shangri-La. Along with adventurer Adelina Fortnight, our fearless trio of explorers encounter more than their fair share of peril as they travel to the far reaches of the world to help their new friend.”

Normally, I wouldn’t beer fever dream of putting up an animated family film for preview, but this one’s about Bigfoot, though they don’t call him that. (Mr. Link? Yeesh.) They also give away his weight. Good thing he’s a dude; if this was a female cryptid, cartoon or not, you’d likely get your face smashed in. A safer way to skirt (sorry) the weight issue is to just say, “Why, no — all that fur doesn’t make you look at all fat.”