Space Evil, Criminal Curse, Death Hotel

Movie sequels can be awesome (Aliens/1986) or awesomely bad (Wonder Woman 1984/2020). But Movies Go Fourth by author Mark Edlitz (paperback, released May 2023) puts the fourth installments in franchises on the plate, scrutinizing such debatable gems as Jaws: The Revenge (1987), Conquest for the Planet of the Apes (1972), Alien: Resurrection (1997) and Terminator: Salvation (2009). (What — no Fisting Firemen IV?)

Mind you, sequels are continuations of an over-milked story line, where as franchises act as an umbrella for everything in their multiverse. Examples: Marvel has 32 movies with overlapping superheroes stepping on each other’s capes. Batman has 17. Godzilla has 36. And Mickey Mouse has 130. That’s a lotta cheese.

From the book’s press release: “Movies Go Fourth is a celebration of the fourth movies in the most popular film franchises of all time. It offers behind-the-scenes stories of fourth films from such beloved series as Star Wars, Star Trek, and James Bond. It also explores infamous fourth films, including Jaws: The Revenge, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, and Batman & Robin. This riveting book reveals the inside scoop on some of the biggest films in horror (Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street), sci-fi (Highlander, Terminator, Planet of the Apes), action (James Bond, Die Hard, Rambo) and comedy (Police Academy, Home Alone). Author Mark Edlitz also examines notable unmade fourth films, such as Francis Ford Coppola’s The Godfather: Part IV and Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 4.”

While Movies Go Fourth (buy it here) is a tantalizing idea, there are no pictures in the $24.99 paperback. That’s like having a Salisbury steak TV dinner without a side of tongue-scorching potato-esque mush and artificial butter topping. So while you ponder the metaphor, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not taste as oddly delicious as potato mush…

SPACE NECRONOMICON / Out now (Blu-ray, DVD)

“A girl controlled by a mysterious woman and caged between visions, vampires and morbid rituals. What happened in space? Why is she the chosen one?”

As sorta cool as this sounds, it’s an art film. This means too much thinking and not enough drinking. P.S. They stole the kicker line from Alien (1979). Sci-fi never forgets, b*tches!

THE GATES / June 27, 2023 (VOD/DVD)

“A serial killer has been sentenced to death by electric chair in London in the 1890s, but in his final hours, he puts a curse on the prison he is in, and all of those in it.”

I liked this better when it was called Shocker (1989).

OBSCURA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A CIA special operations team out on demolition maneuvers collides with an outlaw biker gang. The groups are forced to fight for survival against a creature of unknown origins.”

Not sure how they’re gonna get outlaw bikers to fight. Heck, you can often hear them singing, “Born To Be Mild.”

STREAM / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When Roy and Elaine Keenan realize their family is drifting apart, they decide that something needs to be done. Roy forces his work to take a back seat and they seize the opportunity to recreate a vacation from their past. A peaceful stay in a quaint hotel is just what they need, however that is not what is in store for them. With four deranged murderers patrolling the seemingly mundane halls, the odds are definitely not in the Keenan family’s favor. Roy must fight for his life and those of his family as their simple weekend getaway truly turns into a vacation to die for.”

If deranged murderers are patrolling the halls, this means the hotel is…my apartment building. Somewhat clean, but the rent is killer.

Monster Auction, Pharmaceutical Felines, Terrible Whales

Got a few hundred thousand spare bitcoin laying around? Then you might wanna head over to PropstoreAuction and get your fan freak on at all the cool movie memorabilia going up for grabs in Los Angeles, June 28 — 30, 2023. And you can preorder the auction catalog for a wallet-stopping $60 to see all the horror/sci-fi/fantasy movie props going up on the auction chopping block. (click here)

Want the evil clown doll from Poltergeist (1982)? It’s expected to bid out between $200,000 to $400,000. Carrie Fisher’s Princess Leia dress from the original Star Wars movies and the Batpod used by Christian Bale in The Dark Knight (2008)? Yeah, projected to fetch around $2,000,000 each. Need Harry Potter’s distressed costume with glasses from 2002’s Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets? Expensive, but you do need a new enchanted bathrobe, yes?

Other props include Jason Voorhees’ hockey mask from Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988), Thor’s cracked Mjolnir hammer used by both Natalie Portman and Chris Hemsworth in 2022’s Thor: Love and Thunder, one of Harrison Ford’s costumes from Blade Runner (1982), and that super scary spider head from John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982).

From PropstoreAuction’s website: “Propstore is holding a preview exhibition at its office facility in Valencia, CA by appointment from May 29 to June 20. The exhibition will feature over 80 lots, giving fans and hopeful bidders the chance to see props and costumes from the auction up close and ask questions to the specialists.” Click here for more info than I have time to include.

So while we all fantasize about driving the Batpod to the store while wearing Princess Lei’s dress and Jason’s hockey mask, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as super scary as a spider head…

COCAINE COUGAR / Out now (DVD/Blu-ray), Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A cougar high on cocaine escapes an animal testing facility and wrecks havoc on Los Angeles.”

Cougars in L.A. doing cocaine? When haven’t they? 

MOTHER, MAY I? / July 21, 2023 (VOD)

“Emmett wants to clean and flip his recently deceased mother’s house: get in, get out, and avoid any trauma still lingering from when she abandoned him as a young child. Anya, his fiancé, see’s this as an opportunity to finally force Emmett to deal with his trauma because she believes it is preventing him from being the partner she needs. So she convinces him to take mushrooms to get him to let go. But something strange happens while they’re tripping: she starts behaving like his mother. The next morning he wakes up sober, but she still won’t drop the act. Anya loves playing games — is this her taking it too far? Or did his mother’s spirit somehow possess her?”

This is what happens when you take drugs. Stick to beer and stay out of trouble. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

WHALE GOD / Release pending 2023 (VOD/DVD/Blu-ray™)

“Once a year, the quiet fishing village of Wadaura in Southern Japan is in a turmoil. The whalers have always concentrated their efforts to try and catch a Killer Whale which is easily twice as large as an ordinary leviathan, and passes by in the offing at the same time every year. Shaki, whose grandfather, father, and elder brother were all victims of the Killer Whale, is determined to kill it. As an inducement, the headman of the village promises to give his only daughter and all his possessions to anyone who succeeds in disposing of the terrible whale.”

This one came out in Japan in 1962 marketed under the generic title, Killer Whale. Now, six decades later, we’re finally gonna be able to see this lost Kaiju movie, with the title amphibian being a practical special effect and, get this, built to scale! Watch the trailer on YouTube™ to see how b*tchin’ cool this Orcinus orca is.

THE MOVERS / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A close-knit family who moves into a seemingly charming neighborhood, only to discover all is not what it appears. As they face persistent threats, the family begins to question their reality and the world around them. It’s a nightmarish universe of deceiving angels and compassionate demons, lost souls desperately seeking a way out.”

I live in a seemingly charming neighborhood as well, and it has a deceiving angel (me) and compassionate demons (Amazon™ delivery people). 

Macabre Music, Voodoo Teenagers, Evil Boat Safety

Wednesday, the monster murder mystery spin-off of The Addams Family, became a global phenomenon with its premier on November 22, 2023, and is Netflix’s™ most popular comedy series to date. That’s an understatement. According to my exhaustive research (cut ’n pasting from Wikipedia™), Wednesday holds the record of most hours viewed in a week for an English-language Netflix™ series with a total 341.2 million hours watched in its first week of release, amounting to more than 50 million households, and passing prior record holder Stranger Things 4’s 335.01 million hours. Nielsen Media Research™ reported a combined watch time of 6 billion minutes within its first week of release, making it the second-biggest streaming week ever recorded by the firm.” 

Foaming at the mouth fans cite the series’ music as an ongoing highlight. And now you can get the soundtrack as limited edition colored vinyl to quench your Wednesday obsession. From the press release: “Wednesday’s first season soundtrack is available on vinyl for $35 via Lakeshore Records. Expected to ship in July/August 2023, the score is composed by Danny Elfman (Batman, Men in Black) and Chris Bacon (Bates Motel, Source Code). The album is pressed on 2xLP vinyl with three color variants: “Enid’s Pink Sweater” (Mondo™ exclusive, limited to 500), “Wednesday & Enid’s Room” (Walmart™ exclusive), and “Purple Goth with Smokey Shadow” (retail version). It’s housed in a gatefold jacket.”

It should be noted that the soundtrack does not contain the series’ other music, such as the nimble-fingered cello interpretation of the Rolling Stones’ “Paint It Black”, the acoustic instrumental (or would that be “instrumetal”?) rendition of Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters”, and The Cramps’ Goth punk pop, “Goo Goo Muck’, which sparked Wednesday’s dance craze and topped the charts over 40 years after its release in 1980. (P.S. “Goo Goo Muck” was written by Ronnie Cook and the Gaylads all the way back in 1962, the year non-dyed Goth punk pop was born.)

While we frantically preorder the soundtrack (take me there), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not feature a Goth punk pop song…

DEVILREAUX / June 9, 2023 (VOD), July 18, 2023 (DVD)

“A series of murders in 1800s will be avenged by forbidden voodoo, woken up accidentally by a group of teenagers.”

Seems like this plot is backward: “A group of forbidden teenagers is woken up by voodoo.” Then change voodoo to social media.

BEDRIDDEN / June 13, 2023 (DVD)

“On the evening of their anniversary, Ray is attacked and murdered by a masked assailant in a desolate motel room while his wife, Teri, is forced to watch. Teri now faces the reality of rebuilding her life as a single mom without her beloved husband. Desperate to communicate one last time with Ray, she uses a mysterious Ouija board to try to reach out to the other side. Doing so opens up a portal that puts her and her daughter’s lives in danger. When her worst fears seemingly come true, Teri finds herself bedridden and trapped in a cat-and-mouse game of life and death.”

So Teri uses a Ouija board to talk to her dead husband. She should be using Dead Speak Pro™, an app that connects you to the spirit world. It has lots of spooky features and is free on Google Play™.

MOTORBOAT / June 13, 2023 (DVD)

“A rural lakeside community is terrorized by a demonic black boat prowling its waters, killing locals and turning the waters blood red. A fallen Priest and a no nonsense Harbor Patrol Captain have to fight a decades long evil, resurrected by a death cult, the Brotherhood of Darkness, led by the unstoppable Messiah Ward. It’s faith vs. hate in this battle for one town’s soul.”

This makes a mockery of life preservers. Not cool.

THE ONLY ONES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A seemingly harmless weekend getaway turns into a chaotic nightmare as this group proves that when you’ve got friends, who needs enemies?”

With a plot like that, who needs this movie?

House of Bats, Weaponized Demons, Burlesque Vampires

The Flash has S.T.A.R. Labs. Superman has the Fortress of Solitude. Aquaman has an adult-sized clam shell with a seaweed lawn. But none of them can match the majesty of the caped crusader’s condo, the Batcave. Batman’s famous headquarters is where he has anti-crime computers, TVs, probably a fridge and even a private “bat room” when he needs to pinch some guano. And now you can own a Lego™ replica of the Batcave for a crime-busting $399.99. Called the Batcave™ – Shadow Box, this monolithic set comes with a Batmobile™ and even Alfred the Butler™.

From Lego’s™ website: “Adult enthusiasts can recreate the iconic Batcave™ from 1992’s Batman Returns movie with the LEGO® DC Batman™ Batcave – Shadow Box. This 3,981-piece tableau incorporates movable items, mini figures and a feature-rich Batmobile™ to produce a detailed and dynamic display piece that will captivate all who see it.” 

“Measuring over 20” wide, this Batcave tableau contains an assortment of authentic details, including movable items that can be controlled from the rear. Users can turn the chair, change the computer screen and open and close the tool store and illuminated Batsuit™ vault. For extra realism, a Batmobile with a variety of hands-on features is included along with 7 mini figures: Max Shreck, The Penguin™, Catwoman™, 2 versions of Batman, Alfred Pennyworth™ and Bruce Wayne™. For added convenience, a digital version of the set’s building instructions can be found on the LEGO Builder app.” Note to law-abiding citizens living in Gotham or not, the Batcave™ – Shadow Box officially goes on sale June 8, 2023. However, if you sign up to be a Lego™ VIP member, you can get early sale access on June 5, 2023. 

So while we all rush over to Lego.com and sign up (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not feature a plastic butler…

GHOST / July 9, 2023 (POV Horror™, Wicked Horror TV™)

“A deadly religious cult begins weaponizing demonic entities — and it’s up to a band of church-funded mercenaries to take them down before they unleash Hell on Earth. When word of a Fallen Angel reaches the team, the stakes are raised and the fate of humanity rests on the shoulders of one man: Ghost.”

Deadly religious cults don’t practice safe sect.

BLOODY BRIDGET / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A Haitian voodoo deity transforms a burlesque dancer into a “Valentine vampire.” Blood only whets her appetite – she must eat her victims’ beating hearts!”

The problem with burlesque vampires is you still have to tip ’em.

THE DEVIL COMES AT NIGHT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Ben, a washed-up boxer searching for his inheritance, must fight for his life when he is trapped in his deceased father’s farmhouse by a cannibal cult. With the help of Amy, the local librarian, he discovers the cult’s leader, Mason, has been hunting down his family for generations. And now his sights are set on Ben. Together, Ben and Amy come up with a plan to defeat the cult once and for all.

Cannibals form cults because they’re fed up with people. Heh.

THE BOOGEYMAN: THE ORIGIN OF THE MYTH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of teenagers discover that the terrifying legend of The Boogeyman is real after the mysterious disappearances of several children in a small town.”

This one’s also known as El Hombre Del Saco. Wish I could have a cool name like Del Saco.

May The Speed Force Be With You, People Plants, Cutting Out Social Media

The buzz is buzzing about The Flash upcoming movie (June 23, 2023), with the trailers revealing two Flashes, two Batmans, Supergirl, and General Zod, though he died in Man of Steel (2013). Hey, movies can do whatever they want with our minds. And with that comes more character posters, these three new ones being Flash, Supergirl and Batman. (My character poster was cut as I’m not in the film, apparently.)

So here’s the official plot, though it wasn’t that difficult to piece it together after watching the trailers: “Barry Allen uses his super speed to change the past, but his attempt to save his family creates a world without super heroes, forcing him to race for his life in order to save the future.” 

So while we debate whether or not having me in The Flash has any added marquee value, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/film shorts that may or may not give you the…runs. P.S. The Flash stole Metallica’s logo. Just sayin’.

YOUR HOUSEPLANTS ARE SCREAMING / Out now (VOD)

“Human houseplants are held captive by a giant plant creature. Confined to their pots, the houseplants struggle to comprehend the horror of being shelf ornaments in a grotesque hell house made of flesh, meat, muscle and bone.”

Human houseplants. I can only imagine what is being used as fertilizer.

KILLER KITES / May 26, 2023 (VOD)

“When Abby’s grandma dies, the only thing she inherits is a stupid kite. After giving it to her brother, he is mysteriously killed and the kite disappears. While searching for the truth, Abby is tangled in a strange supernatural plot, where this killer kite continues to kill. Now, Abby must string together a way to stop the kite before it blows us all away. Kites may not be the scariest monster ever, but they’re up there.”

I heard this was made on a kite string budget.

#CHADGETSTHEAXE / Fall 2023 (VOD)

“Four social media influencers live stream their trip to Devil’s Manor, former home to a satanic cult.”

The only thing worse than social media horror movies is watching ‘em.

THE MOUNT 2 / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A year after the incident at the Mount, the police are still investigating the murders of Philomena and Caroline. The Mount has been cordoned off by the police. However, on Halloween night, a group of teenagers break in. They plan on holding a wedding between friends, conducted by a rather odd character. Little did they know some unexpected guests would show up to crash the party.

Don’t look at me like that — I heard there’s an open bar.

Legendary Lagoon, Medical Mayhem, Deathless Drink

Sad to report the passing of Ricou Browning (February 16, 1930 – February 28, 2023), better known as the creature in Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954, filmed in 3D), one of the greatest monsters and monster movies of all time. So much so, the Gill-Man joined the Universal Monster Hall of Fame alongside Frankenstein, Dracula, The Wolf Man and The Mummy. (The Invisible Man wasn’t included because he was nowhere to be found.) Rico reprised his fishy role by returning for the sequels Revenge of the Creature (1955) and The Creature Walks Among Us (1956). 

Playing the iconic Gill-Man was just one of Rico’s many water-enhanced talents. He created the 1963 TV series Flipper and directed 37 episodes, worked as a stunt man on 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954), played all the bad guys in Sea Hunt (1958 – 1961), directed the harpoon-filled fight in the James Bond movie Thunderball (1965) and the Jaws-inspired candy bar-in-the-pool sequence in Caddyshack (1980). He was even a stand-in for Johnny Weissmuller on Tarzan films. Pretty much the coolest resume ever.

In a 2013 interview, Sir Browning talked about his role in Creature From The Black Lagoon: “I filmed my scenes in wintertime and it was pretty cold. The crew felt sorry for me, so somebody said, ‘How would you like a shot of brandy?’ I said, ‘Sure!’ Pretty soon they were dealing with a drunk creature.” Browning also said his legendary costume was cumbersome at first. ‘When I first put it on, it seemed awkward and clumsy. But once I got into the movie, I forgot I had it on. I became the creature.’”

While we go back and re-watch all the Creature movies and marvel at how Ricou could easily hold his breath for four minutes at a time, here are some upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be as expertly directed as the candy-bar-in-the-pool scene in Caddyshack…

DEAD RINGERS / April 21, 2023 (Amazon Prime Video™)

“In this series, Rachel Weisz plays the dual roles of Elliot and Beverly Mantle, “twins who share everything: drugs, lovers, and an unapologetic desire to do whatever it takes — including pushing the boundaries of medical ethics — in an effort to challenge antiquated practices and bring women’s health care to the forefront.”

The original Dead Ringers came out in 1988, with the dual doc role being handled by Jeremy Irons, Batman’s butler in Justice League (2017/2021). Not sure why he gave up being a gynecologist with the best seat in the house to polish Batman’s batarang.

THE BURNED OVER DISTRICT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A grieving man discovers that the seemingly quiet town is hiding a very terrifying secret. Now he must find a way to overcome his grief and fight back against the darkness that has consumed the town and its people.”

Wonder what the man could be grieving about? Maybe because the town shared its terrifying secret with everybody but him. If my town did that to me, I’d be griefing all over the place

DIVINITY Release pending 2023 (Theaters)

“Set in an otherworldly human existence where the creation of a groundbreaking immortality serum named Divinity is wreaking havoc. Jaxxon Pierce, the creator’s son, now controls and manufactures his father’s once-benevolent dream, and society on the barren planet has been entirely perverted by the supremacy of the drug. However, when two mysterious brothers arrive with a plan to abduct the mogul with the help of a seductive woman named Nikita, everyone will be set on a path hurtling toward true immortality.”

Divinity is a dumb name for an immortality serum. You’d get far more marketing zing if they named it Sir Lives-a-Lot or No Time To Die or Deathus Interruptus or To Be Continued or…

POV / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A suburban couple attempt to survive a home invasion on the most dangerous night of the year.”

If your home is being invaded, doesn’t that qualify as the most dangerous night of the year? A possible exception might be if you lived at the foot of an annually erupting volcano filled with lava bees. Or Christmas.

Supersized Superheroes, Brain Suckers, Junkie Reptiles

There are superhero action figure fanatics and then there are mega superhero action figure fanatics. If you’re one of the latter, get ready to soil yourself: XM Studios™, makers of highly-coveted superhero models, have come out with a monolithic Justice League VS Darkseid diorama. Assembled, the stunningly detailed diorama will give your face an aghast expression. Kinda like shocked, but with more spit cup drool. 

From their website: “XM Studios™ is excited to present our 1:6 DC EPIC DIORAMA series, Justice League VS Darkseid! An epic battle scene diorama all DC fans should have in their collection, Justice League comprising of Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, The Flash, Aquaman, Green Lantern and Martian Manhunter engages in battle with one of Justice League’s main adversary and one of the most powerful being in the DC Multiverse, Darkseid.” 

A few specs: Limited to 338 pieces, the dimensions of this couch-sized diorama are 41.33” long x 30.70” wide x 33.46” tall and comes in three boxes, shipping from Singapore for $1,350.00. Not surprising given the combined weight of 116.85 lbs. Scary, but not as much as the price: $3,299.00. That’s the same for the color (or “colour”) and aged bronze versions (Limited to 100 pieces). Buy ’em here.

And while you’re trying to decide whether or not your car needs all that space in the garage that could be used to showcase this epic diorama, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may not have had a film budget of the Justice League diorama price tag…

SUCCUBA / Out now (Tubi™)

“An evil presence attaches to a lonely widower who intends to guard it for as long as he can.”

This happens all the time to the pension drunks who live at the Tug Tavern.

MIND LEECH / Out now (VOD)

“A very persuasive Leech is wreaking havoc in rural Provinstate, 1998. On a mission to expand its horizons, our influential invertebrate enlists the help of the local townsfolk. The police are soon on the tail of our pesky parasite.”

According to some flora ‘n fauna website I happened across, leeches are chiefly aquatic carnivorous or bloodsucking annelid worms. The leeches in my life don’t look like annelid worms (okay, some do), but they certainly are bloodsucking. And money-sucking. And energy-sucking. And suck-sucking.

CARNAL MONSTERS / February 28, 2023 (DVD,VOD)

“A group of friends go out for a day to cheer themselves up and come across the unconscious bodies of two girls outside of a nuclear facility. But the two girls turn out to be mad killers and they turn the pleasant day out into a nightmare. And did we mention the poison gas that was created by a mad scientist?”

Going out for the day to cheer themselves up with unconscious bodies outside a nuclear facility. Apparently, I’ve been doing this relaxing thing all wrong. 

ATTACK OF THE METH GATOR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“ A tweaker gator snorts up its stash and goes on a unacceptable social behavior rampage while looking to score. Things get even worse when Cocaine Bear shows up to do a few rails with the agitated alligator and all holy hell ensues. Spoiler alert: Detox Donkey makes a small, but essential cameo.”

The plot is fake, but the movie is real. Once again, Asylum Studios™ ripping off — and probably igniting — a flood of horror movies about drugged up animals. What’s next — OxyContin Owl? Ritalin Raccoon? Percoset Penguin?

Ghost Clowns, Republican Reptiles, Marauding Mermaids

There have been numerous versions of Catwoman, the fetching felonious feline who gives Batman a stiff Batarang. If you count TV, film, animated movies, comics, graphic novels and video games, there have been 30 Catwomen thus far. That’s a lot of kitty in that litter. But one of the sexiest standouts was Michelle Pfieffer’s skintight latex clad dominatrix portrayal of Catwoman in 1992’s Batman Returns. (Note to Julie Newmar, Batman’s 1966 Catwoman — can’t thank you enough for the carpal tunnel.)

Now you can purchase a replica of Pfieffer’s stylish Catwoman headpiece for a wallet-whomping $699.00. Riddle me this: Why does it cost so much? For one thing, it’s limited to 150 reproductions. Other reasons from PureArts website: “Matching the Batman 1:1 Scale Cowl Replica, this 1:1 Catwoman Mask Replica sits atop a miniature Gotham City mayoral house statue base. Featuring a removable Catwoman whip coiled around the base, PureArts captures the feminine, dangerous and clever essence of Catwoman. The mask replica is created out of PureArts’ poly-based casting material developed specifically for their Batman line, designed to look and feel like real high gloss latex, but never deteriorate.”

There are two versions: standard and one that comes complete with a removable leather whip and miniature version of the “cat clock” found in Shreck’s Department Store in the movie. To complete your cosplay hankerings, you can buy a Catwoman costume on any discount Halloween store, or make one yourself [instructions here].

While you rewatch Michelle’s tingle-inducing performance in Batman Returns and “review” it in the privacy of your own bathroom, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a litter box…

GHOSTS OF AMITYVILLE /Out now (VOD)

“Following the tragic death of her mother, eight-year-old Olivia soon discovers the demon of Amityville is manifesting itself as a clown.”

For some of us “demons,” morphing into a clown is redundant. However, If I was a demon (ahem), I’d manifest myself as a bartender, because hey — TIPS!

LIZARD PEOPLE: THE TRUTH ABOUT REPTILIANS / Out now (VOD)

“They established rule over ancient man, a race of giants known as the Nephilim. Today, their descendants live among us, veiled in any form they choose: Demon…Alien…even Reptilian! Two hardcore researchers, Carl Crew and Bryan Sadler, delve deep into the mythology that shrouds the theory of the Reptilians to uncover their true nature and their global power that some say continues to control the world. Through their deceit and deception, will the Reptilians ultimately destroy humankind?”

The horror sci-fi movie The Alligator People came out in 1959. So yeah, Reptilians have been among us over 60 years. Fun fact: “Republican” is a derision of “Reptilian,” which explains their continuing true nature to achieve global power and destroy humankind.

INVASION OF THE MERMAIDS / Out now (VOD)

“A fishing village encounters a mysterious water monster. A young man tries to protect the residents and in the process, they unexpectedly discover an invasion of mermaids.”

I’d rather be invaded by mermaids than some of those other oceanic threats, like murder clams or sushi chef’s knife-grade swordfish. And let us not rule out the Thrill Krill Cult.

PARANORMAL WORLD: ALIENS, UFOs, CRYPTIDS AND GHOSTLY ENCOUNTERS / Out now (VOD)

“Sightings of strange, unworldly creatures occur daily around the world. Now we are learning that bizarre creatures like Bigfoot, Dogmen, El Chupacabras, Lake Monsters, Thunderbirds, even Aliens and UFOs may all be connected on our paranormal planet.”

It’s insensitive to refer to these creatures as “bizarre.” Better to say “folklore-capable.”

Swimming With Monsters, Jurassic Priest, Spooky Bathtub

It’s not just sharks you have to put at harpoon’s length when swimming in the middle of the ocean with no on-duty lifeguard in sight. There’s gangsta otters, serial killer dolphins, kale seaweed… But in the board game of Float: From the Deep, you also have to swim faster than the other players (i.e., bait) to avoid being fatally nibbled on by sea monsters, watery creatures and the pirate zombies that live, work and party in the deadly deep depths.

Created by Mixtape Massacre™, “Float: From the Deep is a fast-paced tabletop game where players find themselves lost at sea, battling ferocious creatures from below and attempting to outsmart and outlast their fellow players. With only seven days to make it to the island in the foggy distance, its sink, swim, or be devoured by the next monster from the deep.”

The standard version of the game will set you back $39.99 clams. You could buy expansion pack options individually, ranging from $3.00 to $14.99. But do yourself a favor and get Float: The Deep Bundle for $70.96, with a savings of five sand dollars.

While you rummage through your Davy Jones locker (i.e., fishbowl coin jar) to dredge up the required bounty, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not leave you with a sinking feeling…

CONJURING THE GENIE II / Out now (YouTube™)

“An aspiring novelist discovers the deadly reality of the legendary Wishmaker.”

Let the genie out of the 12 oz. bottle and make your all your wishes come true.

A HAUNTED TURKISH BATHHOUSE / January 10, 2023 (Blu-ray)

“An abused wife is sold to a brothel to cover her husband’s debts. The deceitful husband is actually behind it all and in cahoots with the brothel Madame, who is his lover. Tani discovers the truth and gets tortured to death. However, the dead woman’s soul seeks vengeance from a most unusual quarter.”

This movie library essential came out in 1975 and is FINALLY getting the Blu-ray makeover it deserves. I’ve long since worn out the VHS copy I found in a semi-haunted YMCA locker room.

INFINITY POOL / January 27, 2023 (Theaters)

“While enjoying an idyllic, luxury vacation, James encounters the seductive Gabi who promises to show him the hidden side of the island resort. Once beyond the gates, she exposes him to a shocking underworld of violence and sex that pushes his boundaries, with terrifying consequences.”

Shocking violence and sex — the peanut butter and jelly of quality movie plots. Really hoping they push the boundaries to new heights by showing what lies beyond bathing suit areas.

VELOCIPASTOR 2 / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“The crime-fighting clergyman who transforms into a dinosaur is set to travel to Europe in a story that involves murders at an Italian fertility festival, Soviet spies and Interpol.”

A crime-fighting priest who turns into a dinosaur. No regrets, Batman, but you’ve just been replaced.

Crime-Fighting Coup, Snowy Sorcerer, Blood Geyser

If you could own any car in the world, hands down it’d have to be the Batmobile, yes? Screw those poser Lamborghinis and Ferraris; Do they have ejection seats? A parachute braking system? Purple smoke coming out of the exhaust? I think not. But since the original Batmobile — which has all those essential features and more — sold for $4.6 million in 2013, you’re just gonna have to take your Aston Martin Vulcan or Bugatti Bolideto to The Elephant Car Wash™ and pay extra for the hot wax rinse.

Or will you? The Batmobile used in 1989’s Batman and 1992’s Batman Returns is now up for grabs for a crime-stopping $1.5 million car bucks through Classic Auto Mall™. (There’s an unrobbed 7-Eleven™ right next door.) According to the sales pitch, this isn’t just a replica — it’s the actual working prop car designed by illustrator Julian Caldow and built by John Evans’ SFX team at Pinewood Studios in England. Riddle me this — do you want to impress the citizens of your city and strike fear into the hearts of Honda Civic owners or not? You don’t need to have an annoying sidekick who just won’t shut up to answer that.

More selling points: “The car has a Daytona Prototype-like jet engine nose and tall batwings that sandwich its slide-away cockpit. The fighter jet-style cockpit (somehow) has room for three passengers as well as working gadgets, including a flamethrower.” And I ask, what car doesn’t need a flamethrower — beside that grouchy Mad Max neighbor of yours?  

So while we’re looking forward to “Robin” the cookie jar to buy this four-wheeled traffic-thwarter, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not need the flamethrower treatment after watching ’em…  

BED REST / December 7, 2022 (Tubi™)

After years of struggling to start a family, Julie Rivers is pregnant again and moving into a new home with her husband as they embrace a fresh start. Upon being ordered to mandatory bed rest, Julie begins to slowly unravel as she suffers through the monotony and anxiety of her new constraints. Soon, terrifying ghostly experiences in the home begin to close in on Julie, stirring up her past demons and causing others to question her mental stability. Trapped and forced to face her past and the supernatural, Julie fights to protect herself and her unborn baby.”

If you’re a chick spending years trying to get pregnant, of course bed rest is gonna be mandatory. So will cold compresses and walking on crutches for a week or so. For guys it’s usually eight bowls of Wheaties™, 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep, and it’s saddle up time again for the baloney pony.

THE WINTER WITCH / December 13, 2022 (DVD)

“At the behest of her boss, journalist Ingrid Hoffman returns to her ancestral home when several children are found slaughtered in nearby woodland. With the village suspecting the infamous Winter Witch is behind the killings, together with her daughter Eleanor and estranged grandmother Omi, Ingrid must uncover the truth and stop the curse of Frau Perchta once and for all.”

The Winter Witch is the hardest working wiccan in snow business.

KNOCK AT THE CABIN / February 3, 2023 (Theaters)

“While vacationing at a remote cabin, a young girl and her parents are taken hostage by four armed strangers who demand that the family make an unthinkable choice to avert the apocalypse. With limited access to the outside world, the family must decide what they believe before all is lost.”

What could an unthinkable choice to avert the apocalypse be in this worst case scenario? Let’s examine the obvious clue: a remote cabin. Clearly, the four armed strangers are demanding toilet paper, which is a treasured commodity when in an isolated area and the nearest Wal-Mart™ is as far away as the buzzards fly. Depending on how many wild blueberries and pine cone pot pies you eat, to be without toilet talismans can indeed be an apocalyptic event.

PROJECT WOLF HUNTING / May 15, 2023 (Screambox™)

“During transport from the Philippines to South Korea, a group of dangerous criminals unites to stage a coordinated escape attempt. As the jailbreak escalates into a bloody, all-out riot, the fugitives and their allies from the outside exact a brutal terror campaign against the special agents onboard the ship.”

The advance reviews are enough to make you fill your horror pants with joy AND happiness: “Unending geysers of blood that erupt from wounds, which seem to have tremendously high blood pressure…”, “You’re thrillingly never quite sure who will survive by the end of each escalating episode of bloody bedlam…”, “Frenzied firefights, gory martial arts, all erupting upon the screen with a rousing, volcanic velocity…” I’m a non-religious type of guy, but that sounds like Heaven to me.